Step 1-3, Kerry C. speaking on steps 4 to 9 and Kathy L. speaking on steps 10, 11 and 12 all from Carry This Message Group in West Orange, NJ at The Firecracker Roundup in Philadelphia, PA

Hi, everyone. My name is Mike. I am an alcoholic. Our home group is the, Carry This Message group of West Orange, New Jersey, and it's a honor and privilege to be here and participate in sharing this panel. I wanna, first of all, thank Bobby for inviting us to do this.

And, second of all, I wanna wish each and every one of you a happy Independence Day. I think it's pretty ironic that, we get to be at this roundup and speak on this particular day because if you're an alcoholic sitting in this room this afternoon, I believe each and every one of us has had our own Independence Day. And, for us that happens to be our sobriety date when, the power and love and grace of God gave us our true freedom and independence from, King Alcohol. And, my particular Independence Day date is September the 27th 1993. And for that, I'm very, very, very, very, very grateful.

And, there are a lot of people that know me today and a lot of people that knew me while I was drinking that are also grateful that I am sober today. What we've been, charged to do is to, share our experience with going through this big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, which is, AA's basic textbook, a vehicle for learning and transmitting and sharing an experience, if you will. For my first five, five and a half months in Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't as Scott r is fond of saying, I wouldn't have known a step if it bit me on the face. I was enjoying all the benefits of step none, But I knew all about the fellowship because I had a sponsor who, who was very let's put it this way. He made sure that I got involved and busy right away in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I was about 5, 5 and a half months sober, I knew how to make a really good pot of coffee. Matter of fact, you you tell me to do anything once. And if it works for me, of course, I gotta do it 10 times. So, not only did I have one coffee commitment at that time, but I had 3. It's funny somehow that when it comes to working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, my actions and behaviors haven't always been that way, which leads me to this picture, this card up here, which I think is really cute because for me, it symbolizes my best efforts at taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I think at heart, I am always the child as you see here. And even when I'm going up these 12 beautiful golden steps, I still have a tendency to, to stagger and stumble and and hit my head on an occasion. And, I'm a human being today, and I definitely don't do these things perfectly. A thought occurred to me a couple months ago that I have long stopped trying to transcend my own humanness. I'm not a spiritual giant in Alcoholics Anonymous.

What I am is a child of God trying to do the very best I can one day at a time. So when I came in AIA at at five and a half months, because I was getting all those benefits a a step none, I was ready to make the supreme sacrifice as, as noted in our doctor's opinion. And I was ready to, I didn't have enough intestinal fortitude to shoot myself to put a gun in my mouth. But the way an alcoholic like like me takes himself out is to go get a big old bottle of vodka and as many pills as he can possibly find and go rent a hotel room for the weekend and, to just do myself in. And luckily, before I took those actions, I shared that in the meeting that that's where I was at.

You know, it's like you you ask a newcomer, how you doing? Well, I'm actually gonna be honest and open enough to tell you. So I wasn't doing too well at about 6 months sober. And I had seen these 12 steps up on the wall. I didn't know we're actually supposed to do something about them.

I just thought maybe they're a decoration or something. I was given a big book at my very first meeting. And, by the time I got willing to open the thing up, it it was so old. Bats came flying out of it. But eventually, I did open that big book and and I and I had a sponsor who literally, in my early days of sponsorship, he literally just stayed one step ahead of me.

And I'm here to tell you, if you are 2 days sober and you think you don't have a message to carry, you think you don't have something to share with someone one day sober, what I would suggest to you is that you tell that that person went one day sober how you got 2. And that's literally what this man did for me. And, we he literally stayed one step in front of me. So I was introduced to the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever I do something like this or speak on the big book or do weekend studies, the thing I like to talk about first is our AA logo or symbol, if you will, which is really not AA's logo or AA's symbol and never was.

We we just borrowed it from, from other spiritual entities. And that's the circle and triangle, which represents the 3 legacies of Alcoholics Anonymous. At the base of that triangle is recovery. On one side of the triangle is unity and on the other side of the triangle is service. And that triangle is inside a circle which keeps all 3 of those legacies connected.

And if I apply each one of those legacies into my own personal life, that promises me that I can become whole as one, united and free. See, what I learned about that symbol is that it's not a symbol that that's unique into Alcoholics Anonymous. It's an ancient spiritual symbol which means mind, body, and spirit. And what that circle represents is that when you apply these 3 legacies into your life, which is the 3 legacies of the 12 steps, 12 traditions, and the 12 concepts of Alcoholics Anonymous, If I apply all 36 of those spiritual principles in my life, I can become whole as 1 in body, mind, and spirit. Something that I never had my entire life.

And what that symbol also tells me is that a offers a 3 part solution for a 3 part problem. And what my sponsor and the other teachers I I've had in Alcoholics Anonymous have shared with me is that Alcoholics Anonymous offers a 3 part solution to a 3 part problem that I get to find in my first step. And when I was newly sober, I thought that the first step only consisted of 2 different parts. And I thought that I had a a disease of the body and the mind, and I didn't really know much about the spirit. And later on in my sobriety, I found out on page 64, it talks about once the spiritual malady is overcome, then we straighten out mentally and physically.

So not only do I have a disease of the body and the mind, but I also have one of the spirit. And what I found out is that there are sections of this book that I can apply to all three parts of my first step. And the way I've been shown to do that is I personally like to break the first step into 3 parts, and I like to look at those sections 1 at a time. And the first section I look at is the body. How am I an alcoholic physically?

Why can't I drink like normal people, whatever normal is? By the way, I heard recently that there are no normal people in this universe, only those that who have not shared with you yet, and I can definitely identify with that. So why is it that once I put any alcohol on my body whatsoever, the same thing each and every time I drank happened? Every time I drink, the same thing happened. I wanted another drink.

So why is that? Once I have drink 1 drink, I have to have 2. Once I have 2, my body wants 3 and 4 and on and on. And before you know it, I'm closing up the bar at 2 AM. And I really don't know why because I didn't really I just didn't intend to do that.

That wasn't my game plan for the evening. I just wanted to go have a couple to take the edge off. Can anybody relate? Any take the edge off. Can anybody relate?

Any alcoholics in this room? Okay. So I found out in the doctor's opinion that if I'm an alcoholic, I have what back in the 19 thirties, Silke called the phenomena of craving. He didn't even quite know what it was. He couldn't even fully explain it, but he knew that the actions of alcohol upon these allergic types, if you will, sets off a craving and all that craving means is I can't just have 1.

I gotta go have more. So I use all the information in a doctor's opinion to page 23, which is in chapter 2, there's a solution to look at the first part of my first step, which has to do with my body, the physical are telling me I was mental long before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and you guys proved it true. The parts of the big book that I use to look at my mind are pages 23 to 43. And not only do I see that I don't have a body like a normal person, but my mind isn't like those normal average social drinkers either. And my mind tells me neat stuff like, well, you can just have one and it won't burn you this time even though you just got popped for a DWI or, you know, you you had a case and you ended up taking on the the, Monmouth County, the police department, you know, neat stuff like that.

My mind does real neat things according to the big book, like go into strange mental blank spots. Has anybody in this room ever had what I call a sober blackout? Where you haven't been drinking, whether it be for a number of years or just a couple days? And couple days, and before you know it, you wake up or come to with a drink in your hand and you have no idea. Yeah, we got alcoholics in this room.

So I can have strange mental blank spots, I can have suddenlies. You know, I can drink on a horrible day. I can drink on a great day. My mind tells me to drink when it's raining outside, and it tells me to drink when the sun is shining. My mind tells me to drink when the team loses or when the team wins.

My mind tells me to drink when she leaves or when she stays. So that's the mental aspect of my disease. And then I found out I suffer from something called the spiritual malady, which the best description of the spiritual malady that that I have ever found in the big book is found on page 52. And all that spiritual malady is is my separation from a power greater than myself that'll keep me sober. I call that power God today.

And I'm 52. It asked me to to take a look at certain certain parts of my life, certain areas of my life to see how I'm blocked off from that power. And they asked me neat questions like, Mike, are you having trouble with personal relationships? No. Never.

I get along with everyone. Mike, can you control your emotional your emotional natures? Anybody ever ask you guys, or or make the statement? You get angry over the most smallest things. The most minute things upset you.

People used to tell me that all the time because I couldn't control my emotional nature. I'm afraid of misery and depression, and I couldn't make a living. And for me, that doesn't just mean my career and my job. I could not make a happy and successful life for myself. I couldn't do that in my own power.

I had a feeling of uselessness, and I was full of fear, and I was unhappy. And as much as I tried my entire life, I could not seem to be of real help to other people. And for me, those things don't apply just when I'm drinking, but they can apply when I'm stone cold sober in Alcoholics Anonymous if I let up on the spiritual program of action. So what I would ask, if you will, what I would ask you guys to do is consider where you're at in each one of those areas today to maybe take a brand new fresh look at your first step. And then I came to the 2nd step.

And for me, in the beginning, when I was new, because I like to look at the steps today in 2 different ways. How did these steps apply to me when I was brand new and how did the steps apply to me today? Because it changes. You know, this thing isn't rigorous, and I guess this is a good place to say this. The way we talk about the steps and the way we talk about this book up here today is not the only way.

There is not one way in Alcoholics Anonymous. There is not one way in spiritual living. But I think what the big book does for us, it or AA in general, it just it offers the best solution for the most amount of people, you know. And what we're here to do today is to just share our our own personal experience, strength, and hope. So when I was new, you know, I I I really can't I guess I'm kinda unique because I came in Alcoholics Anonymous where virtually no concept of God whatsoever.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I came in here with no concept of god because I wasn't really brought up with 1. I wasn't brought up with a religion or anything like that. And over the years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I kinda got these concepts, you know. I I I kinda went from the group to higher power to to Christ, to Buddha, to Krishna, and and and just kinda came full circle.

And now today, I'm back at no concept. Because the most beautiful statement that I think this book makes for me that deep down inside every man, woman, and child is a fundamental idea of God and it is in that place that only God can be found. So deep down inside eve, each and every one of us is that fundamental idea of God. Which is really strange for alcoholics because for all all our lives, we always went without and never within. And what I tell the guys that I sponsored today is that if you continue to go in, you never have to go out again.

If you continue to look within yourself, you never have to go without yourself again. And the way I took the second step when I was new was, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could help me too. I was willing to believe. The question in the book asked me, at this point, do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater in myself which will solve my problem? And I said, yeah.

And I moved on. And then I got to look at the 3rd step when I was new. And you know what? I've complicated the 3rd step way too much in my few short years of sobriety. And I think the best way I've ever looked at the 3rd step is when I was about 6 months sober, and the thought just occurred to me.

You know what? This 3rd step, this making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God? Because I didn't know what my will and my life were. And what I found out later on that my will is my thinking, and my life is my thinking and my life is my actions. So the way I look at that step is today is that I make a decision to turn my thinking and my actions But when I was new, the decision I made was I'm gonna go on with the rest of the steps.

I made a decision to do 4 through 9, and that's the simplest way I I could look at it. Because 4 through 9 literally is how we turn our will, which is our thinking and our lives, which is our actions over to the care of God. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, before I turn it over to our second panelist, I'd like to read a little parable that that I like a lot. And I think it really tells what the 12 step refers to as a spiritual awakening or a spiritual experience. What is this spiritual awakening?

How do we awaken spiritually? So this parable says, a beggar had been sitting by the side of the road for over 30 years. One day, a stranger walked by. Spare some change? Mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap.

I have nothing to give you, said the stranger. Then he asked, what's that you're sitting on? Nothing, replied the beggar, just an old box. I've been sitting on it for as long as I can remember. The stranger said ever looked inside?

No, said the beggar. What's the point? There's nothing in there. Stranger said, have a look inside. The beggar managed to pry open the lid and with astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.

I think alcoholics anonymous has nothing to give you, but rather is telling you to look inside, not inside any boxes in this parable, but somewhere even closer inside yourself. So now I'd like to, introduce our second panelist who is gonna describe to us the steps that get us to look inside ourself, and that's Carrie c. Thanks, Mike. Hi. I'm Carrie, an alcoholic.

4 through 9. I mean, like, 4 through 9 in 20 minutes, that's just like a just a way you know, to wet your appetite. I like Mike I love Mike's description of the first step. I think that you know, everybody says the first step is the step that you have to get right every day. And on some level, I agree with that, but for me, it's the second step that I need to get right every day because I have to believe that I am not my solution, that god is.

And that when I know that god is my solution and not me, then I can go through the rest of the steps, because, really, that's what we're making the agreement is, that I'm my problem. God in AA is my solution. So why don't I go about doing that and not doing you know, drinking? Doing what I normally do. This isn't people.

Okay. Never mind. So 439. Well, you know, what I the big book, you know, it took in the 3rd step, it goes through this whole long thing about the actor. And and it approaches this this, you know, 3 pages about how alcoholics are self seeking, dishonest, and frightened, and basically how we make decisions based on self that put us in a position to be hurt, and about how, I as an alcoholic want you to behave in a certain way so my life will be much more comfortable, and how we go about doing these things, either being nice or being mean or both, whichever will get my way.

You know? And Bill, you know, Bill goes through this before we go to the go to the 4th step because he wants us to understand general way what the nature of the alcoholic is. And then we come to the 4th step. You know? And it has 4 separate inventories to look at exactly how I do that in a more detailed fashion.

You know? And I've seen many templates. I've seen so many different kinds of forms and 4 columns, 8 columns, long forms. You know? But every good four step has several questions.

Who? What did they do? What did it affect? And the 7 areas of self, you know, was it my self esteem, my pride, my pocketbook, my personal relations, my sex relations lost it. What?

You always step on step. I always step on yeah. That's that's always my favorite one because I didn't have my I try to do this without the big book because I feel that sometimes I can get really stuck behind talking about the book and quoting the book and not really talking about my experience with the steps. And since I only have 20 minutes, I really don't have time to go through the book and all I have is my experience. So let's get it again.

Self sex relations, self esteem, purse security, personal relationships, pride, and security. There we go. Got it. And so does it affect those 7 areas? And where was I selfish, self seeking, dishonest, and frightened?

And with me, you know, a lot of times I didn't in almost all my relationships, you know, I was the victim because, you know, everybody does something to me, and nobody behaves the way I want them to. And I wasn't really able to see where I made the decisions that put put me in the place to be hurt. I didn't have clarity. You know? My life was about what people did to me and about my pain and preventing more pain.

And really, all I did was cause more, because I spent my whole life thinking about my comfort, about basically keeping myself safe. And, you know, an alcoholic trying to keep themselves safe is really a huge mess because I'm babysitting me. I'm taking care of me. And there's no God in there. You know, and that's why, you know, in the 3rd step, we make this agreement saying that, okay.

I'm not going to play God anymore. God's gonna do his job and I'm gonna do mine. And my job is to look at where I'm trying to be God. And that's really what the 4 step for me is all about, to give me clarity. You know, that's something that I lacked my entire life, and it's something that that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me, and specifically doing inventory.

And it's not something it's something that I did, you know obviously, I did a first step of 4 step the first time, you know, and I went through it. It was a very broad thing, and I had, like, a hundred resentments. And, my 4th column was a little sketchy. You know, my sponsor pulled some teeth there. You know?

And as I've gotten sober and as I've stayed sober, I've been able to I've been able to go a lot deeper. And I've been able to, to really take a look at what what exactly it was that that's causing these things. What belief systems do I have that keep me in these situations, that put me in this place, what belief systems do I have that make me want to control you in order to make me happy? And Mike said it best when he ended when he said that, that that I went without. I went to everyone else but me and God my entire life.

And I made everybody I ever came in contact with my higher power because I expected everybody in my life to give me those 7 areas of stuff that I remember never remember all 7 of them. Them. I expected God to fulfill all those things. I wanted God to give me self esteem. I want God to fulfill my pride people to fulfill my pride, people to fulfill my self esteem, to let my you know, to to give me my ambitions, which was usually to be like, to have prestige, to have money, to have have people adore me.

You know, those usually my ambitions are what my ambitions. You know, I expected people to give me those things. And when they failed to do so, I got resentful. And so when I'm looking at my 4th column of my resentment inventory, what I'm really looking at is what expectations did I have on you? What belief systems brought me here?

And most of all, where was I playing god? Because had I been accepting, had I been being the print, you know, being the agent, allowing God to be the principal, allowing God to be the father, and I'm the child, I wouldn't have these resentments. That's the bottom line. You know? And that's why, you know, when when Mike was talking about the 3rd step being, you know, a commitment to go through the steps, it's exactly, you know, what we're talking about in the 4th step, is looking at exactly where I failed to align my will with god's.

So when I look at when I look at my resentment inventory, that's what I'm looking at. And when I look at my fear inventory, for me, my fear was always in direct connection with my resentment, and I can find I don't think there was ever a resentment that I didn't have at least several fears associated with. And the bottom line is that most of the time, everything I did in my life up until I got a little bit of God in my life was motivated by fear, but I didn't know that. I thought that, you I was taking care of myself, and I thought that, that was playing by the rules. And I thought that, I thought I was God.

That's the bottom line. And and I love it. I love that the book says that beer is, beer. The beer, beer is the corrosive thread in our life. You know, and I look at my life as being a tapestry, you know.

And my life is this big tapestry. And if you think about a corrosive thread, you I mean, think about this. Would you ever, like, you know, go up into the attic and see, like, you know, really old pieces of of, fabric and they have all kinds of holes in them, they're musty, and they're, you know, and they're just falling to pieces, and they, like, break off in your hands. That's what my life was like before I had gotten into the steps. There was no continuity.

There was no strength. There was nothing but holes, you know. And and for me, you know, fear was the thing that was eating at the seams of my life. You know, I thought it was alcohol, but it wasn't. You know, it was my spiritual sickness.

And for me, spiritual sickness and my fears are kinda like they're interchangeable, you know? My spirit malady is usually motivated by what I'm by my fears and my my belief systems that are attached to those fears. So when we do a fear inventory, I mean, I've seen a lot of different types and they're all really interesting. But they really they, you know, they come down to several different questions that are in the book. You know?

It's like, what am I afraid of? Why am I afraid? You know? And what what's a different way? And one of one of the good questions that I like to add in here, you know, which is really from, resentment inventory, but, you know, what decisions did I make based on self, you know, because of this fear?

So, basically this fear? So basically, what I'm asking is how is my fear related to my resentments? You know? And when I can see that when I can see that that my fear is often directly related to my resentments, I can see that that there was a lot more than what that person did to me that created that situation. And for me, it helps me it helps solidify, you know, my part in things.

It's one thing to look at my part and say, okay. Okay. Alright. I shouldn't have yelled at the person. Darn, you know.

I got that temper and I curse a lot and probably shouldn't have throwed the remote control. You know, that's real easy to say, okay, that's my part. But when I look at my fears and I say, you know what? I spend my entire life looking for other people to give me a sense of self. You know?

And who you think I am is who I am. And if you think I'm no good, then I'm nothing. That I have no opinion of myself outside of what other people people outside of me see and no sense of self and no god worth within. When I see that most of my resentments are based on me trying to control how you perceive me and they're directly related to these fears, I can honestly see where my part is, that maybe I didn't do anything, but my belief system that says that you need to like me for me to be okay, which is directly to my fear of being rejected, not liked, not loved, not good enough, worthless, and therefore no good. All of those fears are often directly related to that belief system.

And that belief system got me in trouble more times sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and drinking. You know, so when I look at these things and I do that inventory and you know, the first time I did the inventory, it was just, what am I afraid of and why? And later on, it was, okay. What am I afraid of? Why?

And, you know, why do I con continue to perpetuate this? Why do I still believe it today? You know? And why is it so important to me? And a lot of times, the bottom line is that there's not enough god.

You know, in the big book, it says lack of power is our dilemma. You know, the bottom line is I fail to gain access to a power greater than myself when I'm stuck in self. And that if lack of power is my dilemma, and the only power through which I can stay sober for me is the power of God and the grace of God working in my life, then fear and resentment, all the manifestations of self that block me off from god. I need to find them, and I need to find them now. Because for me, that's the only thing between me and a drink, is God.

So then we talk about sex. And of course, sex is sex inventories are nice and fun. Oh, man. I've done hours on on talking about the sex inventory. Talking about it, I said.

But what my sex inventory is often like they're they're a lot like my resentment inventory. And they're a lot like the fear that I was just talking about. Basically, you know, I need people to stay in my life. I wanna control you. And I want you to see me in a certain way so that you'll stay.

You know? And and we and I like the way the book puts it puts it. You know, it says, you know, who did we hurt? That's the first question. Not who do we have the relationship with.

Who did we hurt? Because he's assuming that, you know, some of the people on our sex inventory are gonna end up on our amends list, you you know. So the big question is, who do we hurt? Where do we arouse jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness, and that, I do remember. And, you know, where was I at fault?

You know, and again, where is my part? And I love it. What could I do different? You know? And through this, through asking myself what I can do different with my fears, and asking myself what I could do def different with my, my sex inventory, I have a good idea of what I should be doing, and what a spiritual life looks like today.

And that's something I didn't have. I didn't have a vision of what doing God's will looked like. And for me, you know, it's real simple. You know, love, tolerance, patience, you know, tolerance, patience, you know, all those wonderful things that I I I like to say I live by, but sometimes fail to do miserably. But, you know, that's why we have these inventories.

You know? And then, of course, the harms inventory, which is exactly like the sex inventory, but people that you didn't have sex with are people that you didn't resent. Just in case some got through the cracks. You know? And then I take all these inventories and I do a fist up.

And I think the best thing I can say about the 5th step is simply that my brain can't fix my brain. My broken spirit cannot fix my broken spirit. And that god's light shines through 2 windows better than 1. And that when I sit down with another alcoholic and I share my brokenness with them, and I'm vulnerable, and I'm honest, and sometimes, for me, you know, my fist step my first fist step was the first time in my life that I was ever vulnerable and I honest. You know?

And, when I sit down and I do that, that that fabric that I was telling you about, that moth eaten fabric of my life that was riddled with fear, begins to be knitted back together. Because again, I gain clarity. You know, and I and the great thing about the 5th step is that it's something that you practice. It's not something that, for me, that I did once, but something I've done over and over again. I've done a lot of fist steps because I'm a ad I'm an inventory junkie, and so I write lots of fist steps, or 4 steps, so then I have to do a lot of fist steps.

And, as a result of that, you know, I've had that experience when I've been able to share myself with another human being and be honest about who I am. And I've been able I've been graced to listen to a lot of fist steps, and so, therefore, I've been able to to allow God to work through me and, you know, sit with another woman and do that for her. And for me, that's been some of the most healing experiences in my life, You know? And having shared that, you know, once having looked at all the parts all the areas in my life that I'm unmanageable, all the areas in my life where I'm playing God and not being the child, I'm not, you know, following direction, you know. And I share that with another human being, and I share that with God, you know.

Then I ask God to take all these things, and simply because lack of power is my dilemma, because I can't fix me. And then I need to allow God to come into my life and to heal me, because I've been trying to fix me my entire life. I did it with alcohol. I did it with men. I did it with money.

I did it with food. I did it with anything and everything I can get my hands on but God. You know, in the last analysis, I had to go to God to ask God to fix me, and I can tell you that it works. You know, once having been mended and it's not something like, I took you know, I did the 7th step after 5th step, you know. I usually do it with the person who heard my 5th step after I take a quiet hour, you know, which is I sit and I think about what I just talked about and ask myself if I lied not if I missed anything.

And then I take the 6th I take the 6th step and I ask myself, you know, am I willing to have God remove all this? And usually after having done that 5th step, yeah. Pain, now take it, please. And then I say the 7th step prayer. And I say the 7 step prayer usually with the person that I do in the 5th step with, and, and then I, right then and there, make up a list.

Because what better to allow God to work in my life, but take more action? Because faith without works is dead. So I make up this list of people that I have harmed, and I've become willing to make amends to those people. And then usually, I'm willing to make amends to those people because I had just finished a 4 step and a 5th step, so it really hurts. And it was really hard and I don't wanna do that again.

And I wanna fix it because, wow, that was a big mess. You know, so for me, waiting a long time between doing my 4th and my 8th step gives me time to rationalize and justify why I don't need to make those amends. So I make up the list and I sit with my sponsor and we figure out how I'm going to go out and make those amends. And the bottom line is this, is that, you know, I put a lot of harm out into the world through the things that I did that I wrote about in my 4 steps. And I need to go out and I need to fix those things because I need to allow God to rebuild my life.

And the way that I do that is by taking action. And God has come through me and allowed me to make amends in my life and fix relationships that I thought could never be fixed. You know? And that things that I thought were broken that would never, never be fixed. And healing.

You know, the healing that we that I talked about in the 7th step happened for me in the 9th step. It wasn't something that I felt when I took the 7th step. It was something that happened in the middle of my 9th step. And what I wanna what I wanna talk about here and what what I wanna close with is, Mike talked about, you know, on page 52, the, the 8 points of an unmanageable life. Right?

And I just wanna bring you back to it because I wanna compare it to something for a second. So I'm gonna be a little repetitive for the tape, but that's okay. And it says, you know, we're having trouble with our personal relationships. We can't control our emotional natures. We're afraid of misery and depression.

We can't make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We're full of fear. We're unhappy. We can't seem to be of real help to other people.

That's where I was before I embarked on these steps. That's where I was before I started writing my 4th step. And by the time I got, not even halfway through my 9th step the first time, you know, amazing things happened to me and I'm gonna tell you what happened. It says that if we're painstaking about this phase of our del development, we will be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We'll comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We'll lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us, and we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We'll suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. I'm not is not that not the exact opposite of page 50 2?

I can't believe the day that I was you know, that missed you know, if you wanna hide something from an alcoholic, you put it in the big book. And I was going through the 9 step with a sponsor, you know, and I was reading this and normally, like, I'm like, oh, we hear promises all the times at meetings. Let's skip that. You know, let's get into the meat and potatoes. You know, because I'm that kind of a rabid big book thumper.

And, I read that, and it just struck me. I'm like, oh my god. Those those promises are the exact opposite of the 8 points of of an unmanageable life. And what Bill promises us, he brings us from page 52 to page 84. And he says somewhere between these pages, you will find this.

You will go from this to this. And that's been my experience. And that's why, you know, we're up here talking about this. And it's not because, you know, like, you know, it was nice to cut you know, not have to pay the $20 to get in here, you know, and wear a pretty dress and talk in front of a bunch of people. But the reason why we're talking about this is because because this is this is my experience.

That if you do this, you'll go, or I will go, from a wreck promise. And, with that, I'll call Kent. Okay. And let me hit hi, everybody. My name is Kathy, and I am an alcoholic.

Yes. And, my sobriety date is January 1, 1991. I did not make a New Year's resolution. It was made for me, when I came in, feet first. I don't know.

Mike and Carrie are tough acts to follow some ways. I'm here to speak about 10, 11, and 12. Sometimes I think those are the easiest steps to do, and then I turn around and some days they are the hardest steps to do. At, the end of the 11th step I may mix around a little bit. At the end of 11th step, it says we are an undisciplined alcoholics are undisciplined, which is why we let god discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.

And that's what Mike and Carrie have been talking about. Steps, you know, 1 through 9. It it's it's a plan for living. However, somebody was very smart when they gave us a step 10, which said continue to take personal inventory and continue to make right you know, set right any wrongs, make amends promptly. Because as much as I would like to believe that I could become perfect while I still walk on this earth.

I'm still human. Mike said he has given up the idea that he can transcend his humanness. And, yeah, I I also I mean, I am human. I am going to make mistakes. And for that, I'm very grateful that I have the rest of the steps.

Step 10 tells us we have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I have had my spiritual awakening by this point, having gone through all the stuff that I went through to get to get to the 10th step. I surely don't want to throw it out the door by resting on my laurels. I don't wanna sit there and and and watch all of the work I have done up to this point go away because now I can kick back, enjoy life.

You know, I can enjoy life throughout the whole thing. So, like, if I cleaned my house and I did a superb job from attic to basement and I got rid of all of this stuff and I've cleaned it and everything is spit and polished and and perfect. If I don't keep it up, my house is gonna be just as much of a wreck as it was when I started. I don't want this house to become a wreck again. So I continue to take personal inventory, which is nothing more than going through steps 4 through 9 on a regular basis, on a daily basis, you know, quickly.