Alicia N. from Hunt, TX sharing her Al-Anon story at the CPH12v3 conference in Copenhagen, Denmark

Hello, everyone. My name is Alicia. Hi, Alicia. Alice as well. A lot of people do call me that because apparently, it's it's Spanish.

Alicia is Spanish for Alice, so I'm used to it all. I've been called a lot of things. It's an absolute honor and a pleasure to be here this morning. When, I was asked to do something for the Al Anon Group, it was it was an honor and a privilege to do that, because there's quite a few alcoholics in my life and, quite a few areas that I've been definitely affected by alcoholism. And the amazing thing is today is that through the steps of Al Anon and through the help of of my higher power, which I call god, there's a peace and serenity that I have, regardless of what's happening on the outside.

And for me, my first Al Anon meeting when they said, that they could promise peace and serenity whether the alcoholic was drinking or not. And when they told me that, I signed up because because I could understand being peaceful when he was sober, but they were saying that even when he's not sober, if that happens, that, that I was gonna feel the power, from a god of my understanding and and be okay no matter what happens outside. And so that's what I'm here to share this morning. I think after this talk, we'll, take a break and then do a little workshop on the steps in Eleanor. And this morning, though, it'll be more, just my story as far as the things I've been through with crazy alcoholics in my life.

I spoke at a woman's conference in February of last year, and it was a AA and Al Anon conference together, and they had me be the speaker for both. And so it was the first time that I'd ever told both stories simultaneously, and it was it worked, I guess. In fact, that's the CD that, heard and asked me to come down here and speak. So I guess he liked the part too. It, it's so funny because back in Texas where I'm from, all of my friends are alcoholics.

My husband's an alcoholic. My mother's an alcoholic. And I'm the only one who goes to Al Anon. It's it's almost like they poke fun of me that you gotta go to your meeting, you know. And here, every single one of them has alcoholics in their life, either friends or or boyfriends or girlfriends, parents, sponsors, whatever it might be, and they just don't see it that way.

They, they think they don't need to go to Al Anon and just I do because I'm really sick. But, and they're partially right. So to be able to come do this this morning, we'll we'll see what God does. Really pray today to just kinda have him talk because I I could probably really mess this up if I don't let him talk. So, I'm from San Antonio, Texas.

Here's the big city. And, the first alcoholic in my life was my mother. And we had a fairly normal, if it could be called normal, a fairly normal childhood for me growing up. I was raised in a, a Christian family. I went to private school.

I my father was a pastor. So I kind of had it all kind of had it all forced down my throat. And so, we we see it's normal on the outside, yet, behind closed doors, there was a lot of chaos and drama that went on in our house. And every Sunday morning, we would go to church all dressed up and do the happy family thing where we look like we've got it all together. And then we'd come home after church, take our nice clothes off and, you know, just start being crazy again.

So dysfunction in my house started, very young. And by the time I was, I think I was 15, I had already begun my journey into alcoholism and, I had started drinking about 14. But there was still there was no drinking in our household. There, we were very strong Christians. So Christians shouldn't do that.

And and they they upheld those rules somehow. But I am. I'm I'm sneaking out. I'm doing all the stuff that a young alcoholic does and about 15, my parents got divorced. And around that same time, my grandfather, my mother's dad, passed away.

And so these two things together sent my mother into just this downward spiral. And and she began drinking very heavily and and I almost didn't know what to do with it because she had switched from keeping the show up that she was good and the family was good. She had done so well for so many years to hold up that outside picture that now she's she's losing it. And and going downhill and it it was a hard thing to watch, because she was a strong woman with 5 children, had worked her whole life and yet alcohol very quickly began to, tear her down. And at this time, in my life, she was kind of my drinking buddy.

As healthy as that is, it was cool. Mom mom would buy the alcohol for for my friends and I, or she would be at work until late, and my friends and I would be having a party. And oh, she was just the funnest mother of them all, you know? Because that kind of mom is cool when you're an alcoholic. But but what began to happen is the the coping techniques and the survival skills that we pick up early on as far as, numbing up, not feeling, covering up, begging her to to stop, and and all these things that it at 31 years old that sounds a lot older than 15.

I'm very old now, I feel. But these these were the early stages of of me being affected by someone's alcoholism. My co dependency began at that age. And, my father was still mister Christian, mister pastor and missionary. And so, I never hung out with him because he was very boring.

So I'd much rather hang out with my alcoholic mother. And and so my relationship with my father just split off. I didn't I had no contact with him. And what began to happen in our household is that I became the mother and she became the child. Some of you can probably relate to that as as the dynamics of the family is supposed to be, alcoholism can tear that apart.

And and I began to take care of her. And some very, very upsetting and and traumatic scenes that happened in our household, because because of her anger and her fear and her disease. She was just she was a miserable woman. And that would come out sideways at at her children. And I I know she loved us very much and she did the best that she could do at that time, But she this this disease, alcoholism, basically stole stole her life, and so it therefore affected all 5 of us.

And each of us had a different, a different degree or or a degree of alcoholism from mother that we had to deal with. I've got 2 older sisters who, about 6 or 7 years older than I am. And before my mother and father married, apparently, they were crazy wild hippies and used to drink and do all this. So I'm sure there's no crazy wild hippies in here. But, that's that's the mother that that my older sisters got to see.

And then they got to see her be sober, and then they were out of the home. So then there was me who never saw that woman. Always saw the early stages of alcoholism woman. And then I moved on. Then there was a younger brother and a younger sister and they got the brunt of it.

And, police to be called, ambulance. I mean, it was just an insane home. And and my younger brother, his coping technique that he picked up was to hide behind Christianity. He was gonna be just like my dad and and always talk about God and and the word and the Lord. And I mean everything out of his mouth was not that that's bad stuff.

Sorry. I just mean that it was almost like he didn't have his own feelings. He was just putting on the mask of of mister of mister Christian and yet deep inside he was dying and his rage and his anger at my mother was was horrible. So he was affected in that way. My littlest sister, she's 20 now, she's the one that got the majority of it because she was there at the beginning stage and at the end, and, she became my mother's caretaker.

She would stand up for my mother no matter what anyone else would say about her or or, complaining about her. She would always stand up for my mother and say, no. No. No. She's a good woman.

You know? And and so at 20 years old today, my younger sister is still battling that. She has not gotten help yet. And so she's kind of still in that deal with my mother as far as the caretaker role. So my mother was the first alcoholic in in my life and at 17, I'll be talking about this more in the other room this evening.

But at 17, I I hit a telephone pole in a in a blackout. I was, very intoxicated and and almost died from that. And that night, I'm told I don't remember. I'm told that I came home from this party and was screaming and yelling at my mother that I just wanted to die. There was I I to want to commit suicide at 17 years old, I mean, there was there was a lot of darkness in there at such a young age.

And, my mother was was intoxicated that night. Well, I can't tell you that's true or not. I don't know. But the point is we got in a big fight, and I said, I'm leaving. I wanna die.

And I drove down the street, and not even half a mile down our our street, I hit this telephone pole going about 45 miles an hour. And so my mother is sitting outside and she hears the ambulance and she knows it's me. And, talk about some pain. My mother carried that up until just recently, actually, the guilt of the the I should've. I could've.

You know, I should've stopped her. And so that almost brought a twist in our relationship because now she felt guilty for my car accident. So now she was over loving, I guess. Wanted to compensate by buying me things, you know. Would constantly tell me how beautiful I was because my face had been fairly badly mangled.

And, in the back of my head, I think I I, maybe unconsciously, but but enjoyed this. You know? At least she was being nice now. And so the sickness in our relationship just began to grow. After moving out of the house, and I went to college, and dropped out of college, then moved back to San Antonio.

And at this time, my my now ex husband enters my life and go figure he, alcoholic and a drug addict. I'm gonna I'm gonna pick the people I'm comfortable with. But he was even better than that. He, had just gotten out of prison for 5 years straight, alcohol and drug charges. Yeah.

I knew he beat women because I grew up across the street from him. He had no job, no car, no money, didn't take care of the 2 children he already had, and he was all mine. And I laugh because some of you women would have fought me for him. You know? We are so sick that it's, I want that one.

You know? And I have I've heard it said that, you can only attract as healthy as you are. So if that was my mirror image in male form, that's where I was at that time in my life. The, the no self esteem, can't speak my mind, never can say no. I mean, all these things, it was just my life and I felt that it was normal to me.

So as he enters my life and this is not I don't know if y'all will find this funny or not, but when I tell my story about him, I usually call him I call him Satan. See, I didn't think it was very funny. In Texas, it's very funny. I don't know why. But it was a very dark period in my life and physical abuse began at 6 months being together.

And I stayed for 5 years. And so many people asking me why? Why do you stay? It makes no sense, and I couldn't give them an answer. I don't have a clue why I stay.

I'm at, the end of our stairs with my bags packed, and I'm I have bruises, and I'm bleeding, and wasted all at the same time, and I can't walk out the door. I could not leave. I had to stay with him. He needed me, you know. I was going to change him.

I was going to fix him. And if I left, what would happen to satan? You know? So, Yeah. So 5 years I stay.

And, you know, the the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about, that that we we can make decisions based on self then later place us in a position to be hurt. And so what happened there was, I made some decisions when I got with him based on self. First of all, I'm terrified of being alone. So there we go. I'll latch onto this loser.

I I wanted drugs and he was a drug dealer so that worked out well. But the biggest one was that I was going to change him. And his family would look at what my Wayward Souls program did and they would be so proud of of nun Alicia, sister Alicia for how she changed this man. And that that was my big motivating factor when I really look at it. That's that's why I signed up.

I wanted to, protect him. I wanted to change him. I wanted him to love me. I I mean, all these things that I can look back and see that I did with my mother as well. So basically, I married my mother.

Oh, that's scary to think about. So at the end of the 5 years, I have a knife to my wrist because I can't seem to leave the monster I'm married to. And and the insanity that comes with this disease and the effects of the disease. The things I was trying to do, you know, the staring out the window crying, and then when he would get home and he'd be mad, okay. Okay.

And I would back down and it was just it was a very dark time. And, I don't know how I ever got away. Just one night made the decision that this is it. And and when he was gone, and I was very intoxicated, so I had the courage to do it. And I just grabbed my stuff, and I finally got away.

And, I ended up in treatment for alcoholism in 1998, And I really didn't go to treatment to get sober. I went to get away from him because you see, he was the problem. If I hadn't married Satan, I would be much better today. I married him by the way, while he was in Bexar County Jail, which is San Antonio's jail. He had gotten, busted by his probation officer.

So you think this is very funny. So, we've been together about a year and a half and and when he gets taken to jail, I decided it would be a wonderful idea if I married him while he was in jail, you know. It's very romantic. So I I posed as a missionary intern and I went up to the 3rd floor of this jail and there he was in his orange suit, that's green County Jail on the back of it, and I was there in my little sun dress, And we had about a 2 minute ceremony, and did a little, you know, kiss which was very romantic, because we'd been talking through the glass, you know, for 6 months and now we could actually kiss. So I marry him.

And I think this is gonna do it. This is what is gonna change our relationship. If I am missus Satan, that will make a difference. So for some reason when I left the jail, I I took my marriage certificate to my parents. They weren't very excited for me.

And it really hurt, you know. Here I've married the man of my dreams, and, they weren't proud of me. So, obviously the marriage didn't it didn't change him, and it didn't change me. It just meant that I was legally bound to him now. So, at the end of 5 years when I left, I, I had no intention of getting sober at the time.

I just knew I needed to get away from him because he was the problem. Have any of you ever done that? You know, if I leave this alcoholic, I'm sure this alcoholic will be better. You know? And, so I even move.

I move, 60 miles away from San Antonio into this little retirement community called Kerrville, Texas. It's where I'm from. And, you're basically either in recovery in that town or you are retired. That is it. You know, there's there's nothing else to do.

So here, I have secluded my self. This is gonna do it. So I I I probably had a 5050 shot. I was either gonna move to Kerrville and pick another alcoholic, or I would move to Kerrville and pick a retired man. So, I didn't go with option b.

Ended up, Kirsten, that's his real name. Kirsten went back to prison at this time and so it was, there was nothing to contest as far as the separation, you know. We had no property. I'd lost it all to drugs. So that was easy to split that divorce, but I sent him papers while he was in prison.

He signed it and voila. I'm done. And not even 2 weeks. That would be long for me to be alone. So let's say a week and a half.

I meet my I meet my now husband, and at the time, I I wasn't going to any meetings as far as for my own recovery. Well, that's not true. I I went to the men's halfway house meetings because they had men there and I have found I have found that I will use alcohol, drugs, men, sex, food, shopping, I will use anything to treat this void inside. And so at this point in my life, I had no alcohol and drugs because I was sober, and so I went to my next favorite, to men. And, I was going to pick a different one this time, you know.

And and here I was pretty much in relapse because I I had no sponsor in AA. No steps. No nothing. And I remember crawling out of my skin when I had nothing to treat this void. And looking at myself in the mirror and going, okay.

We can drink. Just don't do drugs. You know, and I made a pact with myself that that's what I was gonna do. Apparently, I lied to myself because I I ended up drinking and doing drugs that exact same night. And, and so I'm in relapse now.

Living in this retirement community. And they've hired me at the treatment center that I went through because I was such a model patient. And I'm so good at acting and making you think that everything is fine. I did so well in treatment. Took notes in the doctor's meetings, organized things for them.

They needed me there. And, a little bit of controlling every now and then, to make things happen the way I thought they should. But I did such a good job that a month out of treatment, they hired me there to do the, the doctor's medical billing. Because that is the profession I had in in San Antonio. And I was fairly good at it.

They didn't have anyone to to do this particular doctor so it was my gig. No one could tell me what to do and I was in heaven because I was my own boss, so to speak. So if you can get the picture, I'm I'm faking my way through work. I mean, I would show up just so miserable and and irritable, restless discontent. The same things that that the alcoholic deals with.

I'm crawling out of my skin inside and and nothing is making me happy. And so when I relapsed, I thought that was at least gonna take that part away. But absolutely not. And so now I'm working at a treatment center while drinking and drugging, and because I was so healthy, I attracted alcoholic number 2. Also my mother.

He he was living at the men's halfway house. So see, it it paid off to go to those meetings. He was in relapse. I was in relapse. He did drugs.

I did drugs. You know, so it was love again. And, I began my journey of of changing alcoholic number 2. And is this making sense? Do you all relate to this kind of stuff?

I'm a little concerned. Okay. Am I speaking slow enough? Mhmm. You see, I'm a cocaine addict and I like to talk really fast.

So I'm really trying to slow down so you can understand. Okay. So we end up in in this, you know, of course, we move in together immediately, like, one date and and we're living together because that's, you know, at least I would have him there with me, and I could help him as much as he needed me to. And so so we move in together, and and this began a 4 month relapse, I guess you could say, where, I'm working at this treatment center, hanging out with alcoholic number 2, crawling out of my skin to put the front up that I'm okay. And I have it all together.

And I am, I am an incredible actress. We were just kinda joking about that. I mean, I can make you believe anything. And it's so deep that the self delusion is so deep that I don't even know anymore how I feel. And I don't know what's true and what's not.

And I've been telling this lie for so long about who I am and how I am that I don't even know. So at the end of that 4 months, relapse with him, I, January 11, 1999, I I walked into my first 12 step meeting. And, I've been sober ever since, and that's more of the story I'll share up there. But what happened is is my husband now, his name is Shane, and I lost my train of thought. His name is Shane.

That's the end of that story. No. Okay. Got it. What happened is is that January 11th for both of us, we walked into our first AA meeting and we both picked up desired chips and began this drawing.

And apparently, I was under the delusion that that this was it. You know, we were gonna sponsor couples. We were gonna go to couples workshops. We were gonna have, oh, it's gonna be so good now because sobriety was involved and God would be the center of our relationship. And and God, no big expectations there or nothing.

I mean, I kind of set them a little high. And at about 2 months sober, I remember coming home one night and I opened the door and we had this big stereo and the stereo's gone. Now, being a drug addict myself, I know what that means. You know, someone needed some money, so they they took an appliance. It's just what crack addict to do, I guess.

So I start to realize that that my little dream, and this plan, and how I had written the story, it was not gonna work, and was absolutely devastated. I remember crying so hard that night because I'm I'm not really through the steps in AA yet, so I'm not really connected to God. And so I've been using shame to fill this void, and now he's gone. And so it was just this this suffocating, I didn't know what to do. And I remember crying so hard that night that I just fell on the floor just exhausted from crying.

Weak in the knees from so much pain, and all I could do because I knew if I walked out the door I was gonna get loaded because that's that's what I do treat this, you know. And I knew I didn't have that option anymore if I wanted to stay sober. So all I could do is crawl into bed, say help, and and go to sleep. And I woke up the next morning, and he still wasn't there. And, that's where my my current Al Anon experience comes in as far as, my time with him.

The disease of alcoholism in my husband, my husband's disease has almost killed me. I have allowed it to cause so much pain and so much anxiety and so much fear. So many sleepless nights, so many days staring out the window wondering if if he's dead or alive. This was not my plan, you know, my story. We were gonna be a sober couple, you know?

Damn it. Oh, I'm sorry. And we would be happy and and why is he he's he messed the whole thing up. So I began with my sponsor in AA, her telling me, leave him alone. Just let him go.

Leave him alone, and and I would do well for maybe 2 weeks, and and my husband is an excellent starter. He gets to the meeting, gets the desire chip, starts the steps, and then stops. So my hope would get rebuilt. Each time a new desire chip, and and this time he's serious and and I would get my expectations up again that now we would be this over couple. Any dream lives, you know?

And and so my sponsor began this. We've finished the steps in AA now and and she made me go back through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and everywhere it said alcohol, I had to cross it out and write Shane. Because it's the same deal. I I am powerless over Shane, and my life is very unmanageable, You know? Obsessed on Shane and where he is.

You know? Shane, the inside, I'm irritable. Rest is discontent. It was the exact same. But but I couldn't do it.

I would work through the steps with her. I would, listen to her guidance. At first, it started to be guidance and then it turned into you better, you know, and then it turned into I'm not gonna sponsor you if you'll keep doing this. Because I like I said, 2 weeks, a month would go by and I would let him back in. And it's been a process of slowly killing him.

Because why would he ever cry out for God if he could always cry out for me? You know? Why would he have to rely on God to take care of his money and his job and his living situation when he could always count on me. And in my in my gut, I know that my heart was in the right place. I know my motive behind doing these things was not to kill him.

Well, sometimes it might have been, but usually, it was pretty, I I loved him, as as best as I knew how to love, you know. I I come to find out today that I don't even know if I really know what that word even means, you know, because the love I've had in my life has been so sick and so tainted and and and with motive, you know. There's just been so much that, I loved him the way I could at that time. And almost every year, he goes away to treatment. And and what do I do?

I I pick up the pieces. I make sure his bills get paid. I, tell the right story to the right person so they don't know everything about where he is and what he did. And and and this whole town, I mean, like I said, it's either recovery or retirement. And so I was hanging out with the recovery guys, and and they would just watch me.

And and by this time, I am miss Kerrville AA. You know, I've got it all together now. So how dare they think that I am not doing the right thing, you know. And, and I would tell them the story of our love, you know. And this is what God's will is and it was sickening.

And if this is god's will, I should get a different god because the insanity is just getting bigger and bigger, and the pain is getting greater and greater the longer that I stay with him and the longer that I do this. And, the big book talks about not being able to differentiate the true from the false, and and that was my experience. I saw only what I wanted to see. I saw the good times when we did laugh and have have fun. I saw the the weeks that he was sober and he brought money home and, you know, he did great.

I would not take off the blinders and look at the big picture because that was terrifying. And and I know so well how to only deal with what I wanna deal with and and throw the rest out. And so the I'm getting sicker and sicker. And my anxiety, physical pain. I've I've migraine headaches, ulcers, and I I bite my cuticles.

There's physical things coming out because of my internal condition, because of the pain that I'm in. It's coming out now physically. And when I had about, oh, is it a year and a half? Almost 2 years sober, we were back together again and I find out I'm pregnant. So now, I think, see, it's God's will.

We are supposed to be together. Now, we have a baby on the way. And so, I marry alcoholic number 2 because that, we know that works. And so, we I'm convinced that if we get married, you know, that'll give him a sense of purpose, and now our child will be brought into this world, and a sober parents, and that one didn't work either. I was 8 months pregnant, in our wedding pictures, and that all I could find was a maternity dress that was, gray.

I couldn't even get white or cream. So that was like a foreshadowing of you know, your first marriage and then the colors kind of change from there. And so the next one is more of a cream. The next one so here I am in gray. Maternity.

You get the picture. God was trying to say something and I didn't listen. So in my own recovery program, I am £50 pregnant and then miserable. I can't even waddle anymore. Can't fit my large rear end to the seats in AA, so I quit going to meetings.

I fired all the women I was sponsoring, that I was helping because I was focused on this, and to get this out. And so now I'm not helping others. I'm so full of resentment and rage and hatred at this time for my husband. I mean, some of the things that would come out of my mouth, you've you have The Exorcist, the movie around here where the head spins around and vomit. That was me.

I mean, I was miserable And yet when people would call and ask how I was doing, you ready for the baby? Bless God, everything's great. Can't wait for the bundle of joy. Oh, Shane's good. Yeah.

Thanks for asking. No. We don't need money. He's doing great. Oh, my God.

This is my best performance ever, you know. It was it was literally a double life that was killing me on my own by myself. I wanna die. And it's not because of my own disease. It's because of the insanity around his.

So, the thought actually crossed my mind at that point, how come he gets to do drugs and I don't? And that terrified me because now my child is here. My heart's desire laying in the crib next to me. That's all I've ever wanted to be as a mother. And I've got it now.

But I am so lost in this disease that that I I can't even enjoy this child. He, he almost missed the birth by about an hour. He was using. He went home to go take a shower after, I had been induced for 12 hours and nothing was happening. And the doctor found that that he had flipped around, so he was breached.

And it was gonna be an emergency c section because he was huge. He was, well, £8, 8 ounces. He was a big baby. And so I'm calling home 20 miles away and he's not answering. I'm like, we're wait.

Uh-uh. We're about to have this child. My picture, my happy family, you must be here for the birth. And he's nowhere to be found. And I think the 5th or 6th bawling, crying message that I left, he finally answered the phone.

And he was using drugs there at our house, and and drinking. And now he wasn't drinking that night, but he made it to the hospital. I didn't know he was using. I thought he had just missed the calls and that's that's the denial. I knew in my gut when he left that something wasn't right, but I'm gonna act like I don't know that.

You know, it's gonna be okay. So he makes it to the birth and and a couple of days later, I had to have a friend come pick me up from the hospital because he was missing again, and that was my welcome home with my newborn child. My husband sitting on the couch, blasting out of his mind, and I can't even enjoy this gift that God gave me because I'm so focused and obsessed on him and what he is doing. And and that just began the the journey. Every year, he goes to treatment and every time I pick up the mess and I stay, you know.

And when I got that miserable, I find this is when I This is the hope part. I I They've been trying to get me an Al Anon since I got sober because at 2 months sober, I was crazy around him but I never listened until this till this time. And, I remember the first Al Anon meeting I sat in where they read the welcome, and and it says, peace and serenity whether the alcoholic is sober or not. And that was the the the sentence that kept me there. That was the promise that they offered that I had to feel because I could not do this.

It had gotten to the point that whether he was sober or not, I wasn't happy. And that's actually the statement that got me into Al Anon. He said, Alicia, you're not happy if I'm drunk. You're not happy if I'm sober. And I was, how dare you say that?

Do you know? Because I am so spiritual and so connected compared to him. And and my ego, I mean, it's insane but it is so true. That's when I really knew that this had nothing to do with shame. It had everything to do with me.

And I would never be able to control or change him, but I had the power to do something to change me. And just as as with alcoholism, there's a bottom or a a ending spot, this was it for me. I was not going to allow his disease to do this to me any longer. Or or I wasn't going to allow myself to react to his disease that way. Let me put it that way.

So, my journey began in Al Anon. And as my eyes began to open to this truth about myself and and that I control I try to control anything that's around me. I don't care if it's if it's my son, if it's friends. I mean, I've got it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. Just give it to me, you know. And and I can I'm Wonder Woman. I can do it all. But as as my eyes begin to open to my truth around this, that's when the freedom came.

The more I push through the steps in Al Anon, the more I realized that this was about me and not about him. The further along through this blocked channel, I've I've had this channel and god was on this side and I was on this side and I believed in him but I couldn't feel him. And so the steps are what cleans out that channel. And the further down in the steps I get, the more freedom I have. And I began to we have a new comers meeting, and well there's a lot of meetings, but a new comers meeting that I I became my regular meeting.

And and so it's a, it was a constant plethora of new families coming in and going out. I I work at a treatment center in Hunt, Texas, which is a little bit further away 10 miles away from Kerrville, and they have a family program at this hospital. And all the families their families come, every week. It's new groups. The families that come through, and they go to my Tuesday night Al Anon meeting after they've spent all day in program.

So, I I that became my regular meeting and God now used this side of my life. This this side of freedom that he'd given me, God now used that to help other wives and and other parents. And and and I watch my in laws. They're they're very strict, very religious, church of Christ. I'm not sure if that's if that's here, but in the United States, it's a, you know, no instruments.

Very quiet. Very I'm raised the opposite. More of the hallelujah. That kind of stuff. It's called non denominational in in our in the States.

But that was more me and he was raised this way. And my in laws have been doing this with him since he was 18 years old. And he's 33 now. And they send him to treatment every year. His mother has health problems that that are life threatening, that can come from stress and worry and pain.

And they believed that if Shane would just go to church every Sunday, if he would just go to church and take communion, he doesn't even have to stay for the service. What a deal, you know. They believed that if he would do that, he'd be sober. And and there was nothing I could say to make them understand. That's what they wanted to believe.

That was their story. They were telling each other. And and they still battle it, you know, with him today. So I was able to help, family members, mothers and fathers, because of what I had seen my in laws go through. I got to see for the first time what I put my family through in my disease.

Because now I have a little boy, and I can't even imagine sitting up and wondering if Ethan was dead or alive. I mean, that's that's all. His name is Ethan. That's a whole different kind of love. You know, a mother's love is it's a different relationship, obviously.

I'm a wife. I can leave if I want to. The mother's love goes on and on. And so, I began to see the effects of this disease just all over our whole family. And, my mother ended up getting sober when I had 2 years of sobriety and she now has three and a half years.

And, she's sober, but not working the steps really. So we she's kind of what we call dry, You know? She's still selfish. She's still manipulates. She's still very controlling.

She's still dishonest, but she's not drinking. You know? So that's a different I I we don't get to see each other as much as as perhaps I would like. Kind of the the end of the story is every about every year he would go to treatment and every year I would pick up the pieces and clean up after him and and would just cry. This is why I'm in Al Anon.

I mean, I really have this gut feeling that that I'm supposed to stay. One sponsor would tell me, Alicia, this is unconditional love. Another sponsor would say, Are you sick? What's wrong with you? You know, and so the opinions about what I was supposed to do with my husband just would be flying, all around.

And the last last year, his relapses last year, he was having to live in Phoenix, Arizona, very far away, and he lived for 6 months and he relapsed while he was in treatment. So here Phoenix is the only place we haven't tried yet. He's been to all the other treatment centers from the most money to the state funded. And now he relapses in Phoenix. And I'm just hopeless.

Just forget. And and I detached with anger. Apparently you're supposed to do it with love but I ripped my ring off and cuss words and the green stuff and, and I was done. Until he came back to Texas, you know. And the first time I saw him it was, oh.

So, he had 9 and a half months sober in February, this February. That's the longest he's ever had since he was 18 years old, And we have an incredible son. He's he's amazing, and and he's Shane's an excellent father when he's there. And I was speaking with Chris in Fort Worth, Texas, and 2 hours before I spoke, I got the call that Shane had relapsed. And, you know, I thought I was doing okay until that happened, you know.

I thought I I mean, and I was. I wouldn't have been alive at that time had I not gotten the connection with God through Al Anon. The tools that I used, the boundaries, the things that I learned, I I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for for Al Anon. Al Anon saved my sobriety. I'm very clear on that.

Anyway, so just the shock. I mean, these other ones you could you knew I could I knew his pattern. I could watch. I knew when he was about to relapse. This one, we'd never been here before.

This was it. This was nine and a half months. You know? It was over. My dream finally is coming true.

And, he hasn't been able to stay sober ever since. And it went to, 3 months and then he relapsed, and then 2 months he would get sober, and then 1 month, and then it began to be every couple of weeks, and I'm sinking further and further down. The progress that I've made through these steps, I'm continually working with my sponsor in Al Anon and and calling her daily and, still helping other women, trying to be there, but I'm dying inside. And, many times crying out to God just going, what? If you want me to leave, I will leave.

If this is the the sign that I'm supposed to get out of here, I am more than happy to now because this wasn't fun anymore, you know. And the money problems, the I mean, the chaos that alcoholism causes, you know? And and I even I prayed once. I said, god, if Shane is not the man you have for me, then get him out of the way because I don't wanna do this anymore. And, not until a couple of months ago did I finally feel the peace about leaving, and and I don't know if that was just hanging on and and hoping that something was gonna change in my little picture of the happy family.