Bob D. from Las Vegas, NV saturday night speaker at the Red Stick Roundup #10 in Baton Rouge, LA

My name is Bob Darryl, and I am alcoholic. Hello. Through god's grace that I've accessed and maintained in my life through the principles of the 12 steps process that I found in the big book, good sponsorship, a lot of commitments, and bushels of newcomers. I haven't had a drink or any mind or emotion altering substances since Halloween 1978. That's incredible.

I I wanna thank Ray and the members of the committee for the privilege of coming down here, participating in Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the this is the fluff, the icing on the cake. If you were to really, find out what I do, where the meat and potatoes are in Alcoholics Anonymous for me, come to Las Vegas. Mondays at noon, I'll take you with me into a into a rescue mission. Monday night, I'll take you to a step workshop.

Tuesday at noon, I'll take you into a skin row detox. Tuesday night, I'll take you to another step workshop. Wednesday at noon, I'll take you in back into the rescue mission. Wednesday night, if I could get you cleared, I'll take you into the county jail. Thursday at noon, I'll take you into back into the detox.

And then Thursday night, I'll take you to my home group. The main meeting of the it's the all these other meetings are satellite. So and that's really the meat and potatoes for me. It's it's going to his hospital institution meetings and sitting with guys and helping him go through the steps and going through that book and listening to the 5th steps and the privilege of encouraging scared people to make amends that are frightening and watching guys get their kids back and watch the lights go on as they start to sponsor people. And that's really the meat and potatoes.

This is the icing on the cake here. This is great. That's what keeps me alive. I wouldn't stay sober. I don't think we have a right to do this unless we're doing that other stuff, really.

Alright. I have a sponsor. I sponsor guys. I step up to the plate. It's my I live in I live in a city.

We joke and we call it the hitting bottom capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada. But I'll tell you something. On the square, if you get it that your primary purpose, that your whole life has brought you to this point so you can be useful to guys who are sick like you're sick. Las Vegas is a gold mine. I'm telling you, it's a gold mine.

I love living there for that purpose. There's an endless supply of 12 step work to do. It keeps even the most self centered people like me out of myself on a regular basis. I wanna thank Glenn for, picking me up at the airport. He would we had a nice talk on the way over here.

And, I I know that he's, a really tremendous member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he's helped an awful lot of people here. And AA really is the backbone of Alcoholics Anonymous here and the people in AA really don't appreciate it. I may not get I may need to ride to the airport now. It's out there. It's got me covered good.

This has been a great week. I tell you, I love Gary's talk last night. I'm a big book act fundamentalist. I'm an activist. I I didn't mean to be when I got here, and I didn't wanna be.

It's a process of elimination. Everything else hurts too much. Everything else doesn't work. I am I've become the guy that I used to judge so harshly when I was in and out of the rooms. I've become that guy.

And I didn't mean to. It's just nothing else works. I, some I I know there's a lot of new people here. I I really wanna welcome you. I'm really glad you're here.

I want you to know that I came to Alcoholics Anonymous for I've been coming to meetings since I was a young kid in 1970. Through an institution, I didn't get sober until 1978. If you're sitting here and you've been a relapser for a number of years, I'm your guy. There's only 2 guys here that I really care about that I'm I have anything to say to. And it's the guy who can't get a foothold in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You suspect that something's wrong with you that's not wrong with the rest of the people. Because when you stop drinking, you're not like them. I'm talking to you because you are me. And I'm also talking to another guy, the guy that's leaving Alcoholics Anonymous. And he doesn't even know he's leaving.

And he's doing it one judgment at a time. And I'm talking to you because I am you also. And I've been in danger of that in my sobriety. I came to meetings and I've come to meetings. Most of I've gone to 1,000 and thousands of meetings out by all the time.

I'm saying, I tell you the truth. Most of the time, I don't really I don't get it why I'm here. I came for years because I I had to get things signed for the courts. I came for a period of time because I was in places that made me go to meetings. I came, I came for ins in this period of this last 26 a little over 26 years, I've come at times to see my friends.

I've come at other times to meet newcomers. I've come at other times because my sponsor told me to. I've come at other times because I had a commitment. I didn't wanna miss it and look bad. I've come at other times because I've been afraid.

I've had resentments or financial problems or relationship problems. And I've been wrong every time. And sometimes I don't really get it why I'm here until I'm in the middle of the meeting and I realize that I'm here for alcoholism. That I have a bad case and it's never gone away. And sometimes it looks like God brings me here and brings me to this place for all these other reasons, but the really reason I'm here is I have alcoholism.

And this is the only place I've ever come in my whole life that works for me. And it's not just the meetings. It's it's the in it's the reminder in here of this way of life that I have to live in order to be okay with me. So if you're sitting here and you're and you're new, and you're maybe you're not so new, and you're here for a lot of other reasons, maybe you're like maybe you're like this guy who goes up to Alaska. And he goes up there to hunt bear.

And he's searching around hunting in the woods and he finally spots this little brown bear and he gets a bead on this bear and he shoots it dead. Goes over to skinning, tap on his shoulder, he turns around and there's this huge black bear. The black bear said, you killed my cousin by right side. I'd kill you. But I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna have my way with you.

And man, he does. And it's bad too. This guy is in is in a hospital for a week. Can't walk. It's really bad.

He gets a resentment. He says, I'm gonna get that black bear. He goes back up to Alaska and he searches, takes him a week and a half, finds that black bear, gets a bead on him, shoots him dead. By ready to skin him, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, there's a huge, huge grizzly bear.

The grizzly bear says, you killed my cousin by right side. I'll kill you, but I'm not, but I'm gonna have your my way with you and it's gonna be real bad. And, oh, man. It was bad. This guy was in the hospital 3 weeks, couldn't walk for almost a month, raised his voice an octave.

It was bad. I'm telling you. He gets out of the hospital. He's got a resentment. He said, I'm gonna get that I'm gonna get that grizzly bear.

He goes back to Alaska. Takes him 3 weeks, stalks that bear, gets a beat on him, shoots him dead, ready to skin him, there's a tap on his shoulder, turns around, is the hugest polar bear he's ever seen. Polar bear says, you're not here for the hunt, nor are you? Maybe you're not here the way you think you're here. And maybe sometime in this weekend, you will hear something that will connect you here with a purpose you never knew you had.

And we sometimes I think I think I I treat my alcoholism as I claim my primary purpose. Bill Wilson said something in his story. Bill was a tremendous visionary. He said that unless the alcoholic will enlarge his spiritual life by self sacrifice and continual work with other alcoholics, he will never survive the certain, meaning they're coming, certain trials and low spots ahead. And I was given a purpose and my purpose is it's not is to serve an ethic higher than myself.

I'm the guy who served myself and my needs, my wants, my gratification, all my life. And I came here broken, and you gave me an ethic and a service and a thing to serve that was greater than me. I 1977, I was in a halfway house. And I've been a chronic relapser by this time for since, 1970, actually. And this was the 1st few years I was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was kinda AA was like a foxhole for me. And I would just I didn't real I don't think I really wanted to get sober. I wanted to get the heat off. And I was in trouble in my life. I'm the guy that I go on a run and I can't shut it down when you're supposed to.

And I always burn my life to the ground. Always. Always burn it to the ground. And I come back into Alcohol exiles to recoup. But the last couple of years wasn't like that.

The last couple of years, man, I I I'm just at the end of my rope. And I, I'm trying not to drink and I because I just I just destroy myself. And I've rung all the fun out of it. And it's brutal now. And I'm in this halfway house tonight.

I'm sober about 10, maybe 11 months, which with untreated alcoholism of for an alcoholic of my type, that is a tremendously long time. Because when I stop drinking, I get a feeling like I'm doing time. And I stop drinking and I become progressively more restless. This inability to be settled anywhere where I just I just I don't know where I'm supposed to be, but it's not here. And I I'm irritable.

And because life and people especially just rub me the wrong way. I'm the guy when I quit drinking, I just become acutely aware of what's wrong with everybody. You know what I mean? And and I get this sense of urgency to tell them. And if you're like that, it's sobriety is a lonely business for a guy like that.

And I'm chronically malcontent. I I go I there's something wrong with me that I just the shine of things wears off so quickly for me. And nothing really rings my bell very long. I'm the guy that could see something. Oh, this is it.

That ain't it. Oh, this is it. Oh, that ain't it either. And I just go through life like that. Just excitement and disillusionment.

Excitement and disillusionment. And so I drink. And I drink because the these emotions and my relationship to the rest of the world and the loneliness and the feelings of anxious apartness that I get as a result of being the judgmental guy that that walls himself off from everybody else eventually backs me into a corner. And I'm in this halfway house and I'm sober, I don't know, 10 or 10 months, maybe or maybe 11. A long time for me being restless, irritable, and discontent.

A long time with these low level depressions. A long time with a feeling of uselessness. A long time with a feeling like abstinence is about it feels like I'm doing time. And I toughed it out. I'm a I'm a short fuse alcoholic.

I think I think every one of us every one of us without exception, the minute we put down the last drink with untreated alcoholism, it's like light diffuse. And some, I went for I have a guy that I sponsored. He went he went dry with untreated alcoholism for 23 years before I took him through the steps. And to say he was a little brisk was a was a beyond I mean, that's an overstate. This guy, he didn't even he didn't even not only didn't he have any friends left, he didn't even have any acquaintances.

I mean, he was oh. But he has a long fuse. He's an he's an ex navy chief. He's a tough guy. I'm a short fuse kind of guy.

And I some people can are are situated with finances and stuff that they can throw a lot of lot of stuff at the vacancy. And I used to I used to imagine that if I was properly financed, maybe I could still stay serviced long term if I could arrange my life with a non stop series of self gratification events. You know what I mean? Like a a new $80,000 car every 3rd day. A new Harley every 5th day, a new girlfriend every 7th day, a new house in there, a new trip, you know.

Okay. Could I just keep that stuff there? Maybe I wouldn't have to get to that point where there's no wrong or anything I could put between me and me. But I always get to that point, and I get to it quickly where I can't put anything between me and me and it's just me. And I've never liked that much.

And my big secret is I ain't real happy about me, and I ain't really happy about sober. And I I'm a chronic malcontent. So I'm in this place and I'm sober 10, maybe 11 months. And I can't I can't take it anymore. And I I I didn't wanna burn my life to the ground.

I don't wanna get in trouble. I don't wanna lose my place to live. But I gotta do something here. I got to. And so I called up a guy I've been in the detox with and he was back to drinking and I suspected he was.

He lives a couple towns over. He lives in this little trailer and he's telling me, says, man, you ought to come down here. He says, I found this rock and roll bar with great bands. He says, I got some Thai stick and there's some good looking girls there. You know, I've been sober a long time now.

10 or 11 months. I've had about as much fun and sobriety as I can stand. And I'm I'm ready. I'm over ready. So he's telling me about this.

I'm drooling on the phone. Oh, man. This is gonna be great. And I got a weekend pass out of there and I got a plan. I got a plan because I'm still a victim of of an I'm a victim of an illusion.

The illusion that I under the right set of circumstances, if I really get behind it, I'll be able to control and enjoy my drinking. And what that means is that I'll be able to jump start the the party and get back to the good old days, you know, when it was magic. And I'll be able to control it enough to keep the damage down to something I can live with. That's the illusion. I think I have that much control.

I never was so deluded to think that I I wouldn't pay some kind of price. I just think I have enough control to keep it down. And I, go to I meet that guy and I'll tell you the best part of that run, as it was the last 3 years I drank probably, was a couple hours before it started. You know, the anticipation is gonna be great. And I meet with that guy and we shoot down to this bar he'd been telling me about.

And I'm drinking double shots, a 100 proof Southern Comfort beer back because when when you only got a weekend, you gotta get downtown now. You need that 100 proof. Right? So I wanna get downtown now. And so I'm throwing those shots back waiting for waiting for the kid waiting for the magic to happen.

Waiting for it like it was when I was 20 years old. You know what it when it's when you're when it's working, it's just marvelous. Remember the good old days when, man, you get that glow on a guy. I could walk into a dance or a party or somewhere, and I don't fit anywhere. And then 3 or 4 or 5 drinks.

I could come out and play. I could talk to people. About 7 drinks, I loved everybody. I love you, man. You remember that?

I remember moments with the gang of guys I hung around with who I just feel so connected to them. Almost bring tears to my eyes. I could I could be funny and I could I could shoot pool better. I could shoot pool play the guitar. Sing better than I play the guitar.

I could dance and I can't dance. I could be deep. Remember at 3 o'clock in the morning and deep, cracking the secrets of the universe. Right? I just say things that would just blow my mind.

You know? And then I sober up and I'm always back to being me again. And I'll tell you, a couple years years after I lost the ability to recapture that, I chased it under an illusion I'm gonna recapture it again. Some of us die because we believe the we you know what delusion is? It's psychotic, wishful thinking.

It's all the evidences the party's over. But I don't want it to be over. And I don't want it to be over so bad that I start to imagine it's not gonna be over this time till the point where I believe it. And I I went on that last drunk. And I I'm trying to throw down those double shots.

Trying to jump start that deal because I wanna have some fun. I wanna I'm just dying of loneliness and abstinence. I don't fit very good. I'm depressed. I'm half depressed all the time.

And I ain't do I don't do too good. And I can't jump start. And yet the phenomenon of craving always has waited for me when start to take a drink. And because the phenomenon of craving is on me as a result of the the effect of alcohol, that's all that's left in the bottle for me now is this phenomenon of craving. And so I'm hammering down those drinks trying to frantically get some relief.

And I and I oh, I get anymore. And all I got was the last 3 years was oblivion. There's no more party. And as I'm sinking, I remember sitting I remember sitting in that bar, and I'm I'm depressed. And I'm I'm I'm almost, like, so depressed.

I I I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I'm looking at the people in the bar that are laughing and dancing with the girls depression and self pity because I could remember when I was all of that. And I ain't that no more. And I can't get that back. And I knew something within me that I did not wanna know.

I knew that the deal was up. I can drink myself to death. I can drink myself into oblivion, but I will never recapture that again. And I knew that because I've been trying for 3 years. And I, I got some amphetamines because I was starting to sink into oblivion.

And if you only got a weekend, you don't wanna miss nothing. And I, got some amphetamine. I drank all that night, all the next day, late late Saturday night. And, the last thing I remember is we went back to this guy's trailer and, he goes and passes out. I'm supposed to crash on his couch, but I'm still awake.

And I'm the kind of alcoholic, if I'm awake, I ain't done drinking. You know what I mean? I don't I just I'm not. And I but I'm out of money. And he left his wallet on the kitchen counter and his car keys.

So I I'm not a thief, but I do know when a loan's appropriate. I took a little money out of his wallet and I got his car keys and I'm going out to to finish the deal. My here's what I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go down to this bar. It's just about ready to close.

I'm gonna go down there. I'm gonna load up with a couple, like, series of double shots real quick. I'm gonna buy a 6 pack of beer, maybe malt liquor, 16 ounce, to bring back to the trailer so I can put myself to sleep. Because I gotta put myself to sleep because I I I don't do it any other way. I can't just sleep.

Not when the phenomena cravings on me. I can't. I have to pass out. And the next time I must have went to that bar and started those double shots and that's the last thing I remember. I vaguely going in there.

And the next thing I know, I'm coming to a county jail. Not an unusual thing for me. I've come to a lot of times in county jails and not remember being arrested. And I'm in there and I find out I'm in there for a hit and run DUI in a stolen car I'm facing a couple years in a state penitentiary. I kinda missed the mark of keeping it down to reasonable damage in my life here.

And, they gave me my phone call. And I'll I'll never forget this. It was a horrible, depressing, awful, awful feeling. There's not a person on the face of the earth to call. There's nobody left.

And I I had parents that were nonalcohol I had parents that adored me, that loved me. And what I did to my parents is I gave them such an emotional battering over the years that they were forced to cut me out of their life. And they didn't it didn't sit well with them because I loved me so much. It was so bad that my mother, who's a non alcoholic, was on tranquilizers and seeing a therapist. And my father slept 15, 16 hours a day because he couldn't live with the with what was happening to their son that they had to push out of their life that they loved so much.

And I often tried to tell other people how I didn't hurt anybody except me. There was no women to call. I mean, it's not that I wouldn't have liked a relationship. TV room in the halfway house and watch a movie? I mean, you know, there's not there's not a lot of the TV room in the halfway house and watch a movie?

I mean, you know, there's not there's not a lot of kenosh in that. I didn't have any more run-in partners anymore because I got to the point where as the disease progressed and I'm losing my ability to get the effect, to the ease and comfort, I drank more frantically. And so I'm the guy, if we get a a jug of, Thunderbird or Richard's Wild Irish Rose and I'm sharing it with you a couple of guys, I drink so I'm so driven in my drinking. You're not gonna get your share. And I don't even like people like that.

And I'm that guy. I'm the guy that's that's selfish when it comes to drinking because I'm trying to keep the madness at bay. So there's no one to call so I call so I call them bail bondsman. But, you know, they want you to have like a job and an address and stuff. I don't have any of that stuff.

So I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in that in that county jail and I I didn't go for recovery. I tell you, I'd given up on Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd been up to this time, I'd probably been in a maybe 200, 300 meetings, I guess. And I didn't even wanna go anymore. But I went to this meeting for two reasons.

I went there because all I didn't have anything any cigarettes. All I had was a little pouch of bull Durham and some bugler papers that the the county had given me. And I hate that stuff. And also, I went in there because I knew from being around AA that people in alcoholics so there's some people in AA that have a lot of money. There are people in AA that have influence and I'm always trying to run an angle.

Maybe I'll find somebody. Maybe I'll find somebody that'll go to a judge or put my bail up or something. I don't know. So I'm sitting in this meeting in this place, in this kinda classroom kinda deal waiting for the do gooders from AA to come in. You know, they're always coming in places.

It's not that I'm I and I'm not like them. And I'm not like them because I have I have experiential evidence that I'm not like them. And it primarily comes down to this. They quit drinking and look at them. They're everything I'm not.

They quit drinking and they're happy about everything. They're grateful. They have great success stories. They're they're just they're they're happy and sober. I know happy.

I know sober. I don't know happy and sober. And I, I'm just I don't think I have alcoholism. I don't know what I have. But whatever I have, it's not the same thing that's wrong with these people in AA.

Because I quit drinking and I I go to your meetings, and I'm not anything like you in here. So I'm sitting in there and here comes the dude girders from AA. Leading the pack is a guy named Woody. And I I knew Woody. I didn't wanna see Woody.

Woody Woody used to bring the meetings into the detox I was in. Woody used to bring meetings into the halfway house I was in. Woody was one of those guys in AA that I just I tell you, I couldn't stand him. Woody's the kind of guy that would sit in the back of the room and judge really harshly. What he's that kind of guy that that talks about the steps and God.

He's grateful for everything. And he just everything's funny to him. And there's nothing funny about nothing, you know. And here he comes. And on a good day, when things aren't really that bad in my life.

I can kinda handle a guy being around a guy like Woody, but this is not a good day. And here he comes and it so I grew up and I shake his hands. I said, you know, I went into some little spiel. I don't know what I said to him, you know, something along the lines of, you know, I'm sorry I let you and the guys in AA down. Or like I imagined everybody in AA went into mourning because I drank or something.

You know, I remember apologizing to him, and I I started telling him these plans and I started telling him about the plans, about getting out of there. And I asked him if he'd help me. Do you know anybody that can help me get out on bail? I'm gonna beat this, and I'm gonna get into a good halfway house. And I started telling him not like that one I was in.

I started telling him what was wrong with the one I was in, And I was gonna get some, go they used to have money for alcoholism then for voc rehab money that would pay for you to go go to school from the government. I was telling about my plan to do that. I'll be a maybe I'll be a doctor or a lawyer or something, you know. And what he's he's just shaking his head looking at me. And what he says to me, he says, kid, who are you kidding?

He said, you're not gonna stay sober. He said, who are you trying to fool here? You haven't hit a bottom. You haven't surrendered. Kids, you're not gonna make it.

And I didn't say anything to him because I don't do confrontation well sober. He'd give me a pint of whiskey, I'd have been all over him. But sober, I'm just I'm this guy. I'm the guy who withdraws, and I'll think at you. And I sat in that meeting and I thought at him.

I thought at him deeply. And I went back to my cell that night and I I ran those scenarios through my head about, you know, what an idiot that guy is. What is he saying that to me for? You know, I don't need this negativity. I need positive reinforcement here.

I don't need this negative stuff. You know what I'm thinking? You know, what's he hit a bottom? What's he talking about? He doesn't know anything anything about me.

He doesn't know I've lost everything. What does he mean hit a bottom? Him with his Cadillac and his big home and his good job and his wife and kids. He don't know nothing about me. Surrender.

Surrender what? There's nothing left of me. Couple years ago, I had some stuff. But that's all gone now. I don't know what he's talking about surrender.

I know exactly what he's talking about today. What he saw looked at me the way I've looked at over a 1000 guys in institutions that I've been involved in nonstop for a little over 26 years. I've never gone to less than 2 HNI meetings a week. And I see myself in those guys every single week. And what Woody saw is he saw a guy that was dying of alcoholism that had that had repeatedly and continually burnt his life to the ground and yet was insisting on being at the helm of his own ship in spite of what was happening to him.

And I've said, well, I couldn't see that. And I didn't know when Woody said surrender. I I surrender what? Surrender what? There's only one thing I have to give up.

And I believe this with everything in me. One thing. It's the hardest thing a guy like me will ever surrender and give up. And it's not the job. It's not the relationships.

It's not the family. I I've seen guys surrender, give the thing up, and they're still making 6 figures a year and have big homes and never went to jail or nothing. And they can surrender that one thing. And then there are other guys that can't. And they'll go all the way down past where I went, and they'll be the guys that I know I've known over the years that drank themselves into oblivion in some cheap hotel somewhere and then they threw up while they were passed out.

They drowned in their own vomit. Or the guys that hang themselves or overdose on drugs or get shot in robberies that get out of control. Nice guys that would never hurt anybody, You know, and they go in there and they pull a gun at the wrong time and shoot somebody and then they get shot. And it just gets away from them because they can't give up the one thing. They didn't know what that one thing was until I heard a guy named Chuck Chuck Chamberlain talk in early sobriety.

When I heard him talk, I realized that this one thing had it had been surrendered within me coming off my last drunk, and I didn't do it. It was really surrender. I was surrendered by the body. And what that thing was was my judgment. In step 3, when it says we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, I didn't know I I didn't know what they were talking about.

I know what it is. I try and I'm the guy who tries to turn my life over to God, And I think my will is with it, but I don't know what my will is. So I'm retaining my will. And it wasn't until I heard an attorney say this. He said, you're you know, he's talking about wills.

And he said, you know what your will, your last will is, don't you? It's your last judgment. You judge these people to be idiots. They don't get nothing. These people you judge to be good.

They get some. And what I'm doing is I'm I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and I I tried some of the stuff you suggest. I'm trying to turn my life over to God, but I'm retaining my will. And if you do that, it's like God hears my life, and there's a list coming of how it better go. Because I still am the great I am.

I'm the guy who knows. Right? And I I needed to stay sober in that after I got out of that county jail. A kind a kind judge sentenced me to 2 years in a state penitentiary and then stayed the commitment. He said that if you get good PO reports, good UAs, make the restitution, do everything you're supposed to do, you come back in front of me in a year.

And if you've done all that, we'll reduce this down to a misdemeanor and you'll be alright. And if not, you're gonna go to the 2 years. And I'm in this place called the ARC House, which is it's not even a treatment center really. It's a homeless shelter for run by a member of Alcoholics Anonymous on the north side of Pittsburgh, a guy named Chuck Chuck Kaye. And I'm in this place and, I'm hanging on and I'm hanging on and I'm hanging on.

I'm not drinking day in and day out and week in and week out and month in and month out. And I'm just getting it up to here. See, I'm the guy that when I stop drinking for all practical purposes, that is when I begin to suffer from alcoholism. But it's such a subtle suffering that it it doesn't make any sense. And I spent I spent a lot of time in therapy with some great psychiatrists, but it never touched my alcoholism.

I take I took all the medications that were available at the day. And it never did anything except eventually gave me just enough relief to hunger for more. And eventually set off the phenomenon of craving. Or at least the obsession for more of an effect. I tried all that stuff and I I don't know what's wrong with me.

But when I stopped drinking, this restless, irritable, and discontent thing that Silkworth talks about, the problem with that for me is it's not big restless, big irritable, big discontent. It's subtle. It goes right below the horizon. And it's just a slow emptiness in here that just gnaws away at my resolve not to drink. And now you know what it's like?

It's it's I I saw this movie one time about this guy who was an American spy and he got captured by I think it was the Chinese. And they're trying to torture secrets, some kind of information out of this guy. And they beat this guy with rubber hoses and and you know, for for days. And this is a tough guy. He won't tell him nothing.

And then finally, this little doctor, this little Chinese doctor comes into the room and he says he says, oh, he says, I'll give you a Chinese water torture. You tell me everything. And this big macho spy says, Water torture. What are you gonna do, doc? I ain't telling you nothing.

He says, I drop a drop of water on your forehead every few seconds, and you tell me everything. The guy says, doc, doc, you hit me with rubber hoses for a week now. Didn't get you to take a drop of water. Hit me with hit me with a fire hose. Hit me with buckets of water.

Go do it. Do your best. He says, no. No. One drop.

And he hit he hits him with that first drop as he's strapped in that chair. He laughs and, oh, he can't hit me with a no. Nothing there. After a week, he'll tell him anything. And that's the way my alcoholism is.

It doesn't make any sense to me. This malady of my spirit, that this thing that comes over me when I stop drinking, no matter how tremendous my resolve is to not drink anymore, no matter how much I get it, that it is a bad idea that I will burn my life to the ground because I know I have the phenomenon of craving. I know I have the allergy. But the knowledge of having the allergy and the phenomenon of craving never has helped me. I have drank knowing all about that because I got a malady of my spirit that always drives me back to drinking.

The book says there comes a time when I have no effective mental defense against the first drink. The memory of the suffering and humiliation of of that last run have no effect on me at all. It just goes into some kind of blind spot where I can't see it anymore. And all I can see is the illusion. The illusion of maybe there'll be some ease and comfort in it again like there was when 20 when I was 20 years old.

And so I I'm in this place and I'm not drinking for as long as I can take it. I went on my last run. And my I I went on the last run because I didn't know what else to do. I thought I'm gonna I'm dying here. And I feel like that sitting in the middle of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Going to meetings and I'm dying here. I used to get this sick, sick, lonely feeling in AA, like it was all of you and then there's me. And all I can do is pretend here. And I know I'm the phony guy. I try to talk about being happy and being everything that you are, and I know I'm the phony guy here.

Because nothing has really changed within me. And I can't take it anymore. And I go on my last run. And I'm now I'm facing 2 years at a state penitentiary. And I have no place to live.

And I'm living in this park. And I don't wanna do this anymore. I got to a place that it talks about a vision for you where you can't imagine life with it anymore because I can't jump start the party. And yet, I can't imagine life without it either because abstinence is just it's it's such a depressing, lonely place for me. And I feel like I'm stuck.

And so I went to a bridge with a bottle of Richard's Wild Irish Rose to take my life. And I'm not a suicidal guy, but if drinking sucks and not drinking sucks, suicide can start to look like a good idea to me because it doesn't look like there's door number 3. And I've been and I don't get that AA is door number 3. I don't get that because I've been to AA meetings. And I don't think that I don't think that you have an answer for me.

I remember one time in a halfway house saying that I was just so depressed and bored. And I just feel awful. Saying to this old timer, what do you do for fun here? He says, oh we go to a lot of meetings. What?

I said, is there anything else? He says, well, about twice a year we have an AA dance. You ever been to an AA dance with untreated alcoholism? I remember doing that one time. They took me in a van from a halfway house into an AA dance.

And I'm standing plastered against the wall with that remembering why I used to drink. A pint of whiskey, this would have been a good dance. This is not a good dance. This is a low this is torture. I can't imagine life without alcohol.

And I can't imagine life without any you know, if AA to me had good news and bad news, the good news is that maybe if I went to 1,000 in these stupid meetings, I'll stay sober the rest of the life my life. And the bad news, I'm gonna live a long time. So I went to this bridge, and I'm just I'm just done. I don't I just want this to stop. I just want it to stop.

No more. But I'm a coward, and I've always been a coward. I can talk a good game, and I can act tough in in the jail cell in the cell blocks, and on the streets. And I've always been a coward, really. And I'm I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I'll it'll hurt or something. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I just the very last moment, I I can't jump and I slam my broke break my hand on this piece of metal on that bridge and I started sobbing uncontrollably, cursing myself for being a coward. Little did I know that that was my last run. Would it never occurred to me little did I know that, as it talks about as Bill talked about, I was about to be rocketed into the 4th dimension of existence.

How do you know what that was? You know, I I sponsored this bright guy who's, professor, taught astronomy and, biochemistry and and physics science teacher. And I said to Rob, I said, Rob, what's this 4th dimension? That sounds kinda science fiction y. What's that about?

And he said to me, well, a lot of physicists recently this this centuries, started coming up with a theory that there was 4 dimensions. He said, actually now we think there's even more than that. But Einstein and some of those guys said there were 4 dimensions. He said, in the beginning, I used to think that there was 3 dimensions. The dimension of width, the dimension of height, and the dimension of depth.

And he said, Einstein said the 4th dimension was time. So being a self centered alcoholic, I thought well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's that have to do with me?

Really. And Rob said, well, maybe you've spent your whole life worrying about the past or anguishing over the future. Maybe if you were to enter the 4th dimension, you'd hear this loud pop as your head came out of your butt and you just show up in your life all of a sudden. And and that's why the old timers, when I was new in sobriety, in this in this struggling to put the steps in place in my life, which is is a very painful process for a guy like me. And it's a very painful process to stay sober before you turn the corner.

It's a hard deal. And the new guy voted my first sponsor. And I'd be crazy. I'd be nuts. And I'd just be spewing out all these things I'm afraid of.