The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Hi. I'm Terrell, the post reader. Hi, Terrell. I'm passing around a picture because a lot of times people just don't believe that I used to be fat. My, top weight is somewhere over £300, and, I have 23 years of abstinence.

So that's, now it's, like, one of the things, like, that I could just it's a small group. You can just sit down and go, okay. Just ask questions away because, you know, that's just the it's nothing itself. But I can tell you a little bit what it used to be like so you know that I know what it means to you to dig. I come from an alcoholic family, so I learned at an early age that I I had to get my family at a very early age.

I just had to get away from me. And, and I'm my parents had alcohol. My sister had heroin. Other people you know, I discovered food at a very early age, and it got me out. And so by the time I was 8 years old, I was about £20 overweight.

And by the time I was, in high school in high school, I was probably, what, about a 120 to £150 overweight. Just a progressive disease. It just progressively got worse and worse. I never I never really tried diets. They because I I was taught the, best diet I could do is push my support from the table, that there is, you know, that I mean, I kinda had all this from the very beginning that that I was taught in school, buys the furnace, calories in, calories out.

You don't burn up calories or if you you know, then you're gonna store those calories. I mean, I had all those concepts down. But we were talking about foods. So what there's a total disconnect between my eating and this calories in, burning calories, and and what to do my body to do extra calories. It wasn't about food and nourishment.

It was about my comfort, my solace, my friend, my love. It was everything that was telling me this total disconnect between what they were talking about over here and what I was talking about over here. So they said, okay. You're going to lose weight. I know how to eat less food.

What brought me what brought me to the program was I was miserable. I mean, you you can't be looking like this in high school being, you know and having a fabulous life. I was not one of those happy go lucky fat kids. I was a miserable fat person. I I hated myself.

I never bathed because I didn't want to it's just the concept of touching my body was horrible. Just it was just just self self hatred that went rampant. And so I I wound up coming to the program when I was 17, in, like, 1973. And, I was, because my stepfather berated me so much. He just he was berating me constantly about I was fat and I didn't even have friends and all I did is come home and walk from school and watch TV.

I wanna get out of the house and do something with my life. And just I mean, all of a sudden I told myself, what my stepfather was also telling me, and not in a kind, loving way. He was telling me the same way I was telling myself, which is very hateful, very vindictive, very evil. I've never, I mean, left to my own devices in my brain about to tell me the most god awful things about myself and possibly my brain. Anyway, what happened was I went to my first meeting, and at my first meeting, this man said he had lost a £100.

And I went, oh my god. They can be done. I I I have in my mind, there was, like, these no. The comic books back in the comic book, there was guy before and this guy after. And it really looked like the guy was sticking out something like a before, and after he was stuck in it really in, and those were the before and after pictures.

So I'm thinking, like, okay, so he you know, it it doesn't make any difference whether it's before or after. So, you know, what's 13, £20? It's nothing in your weight, you know, when you're a 100 pounder. But when this man said he lost a 100 pounds, I thought, oh my god. It can be done.

Because it gave me hope. Because I believed him. And I believed that if he could do it, I could do it. And before this, I I had this concept in my head that there was 2 types of people in this time. There were fins and there was fat.

And, occasionally, a a a thin became a fat, but a fat never became a thin. So here I am here in a pounder. I'm never gonna be thin. It was a hopeless, useless why am I even bothered trying? Why?

It's it's hopeless. But when I got in my first meeting, I got hope. And that's when I said, do you get nothing outside of my talk? Hear the fact that I have lost over a £100 and I've kept it off for over 23 years. So, I mean, that should say something about what this program does and that I that you can do it too.

Firm is very clear. It's about we. It's not that's something I did special. The the problem though about my that about over synonymous back then, well, besides the fact that there weren't very there weren't very few men and there weren't a lot of kids, a lot of, you know, young people. But there you you you talked about steps, and I didn't need steps.

I asked for my sick alcoholic parents. All I needed was lose a little weight and a few few friends, my life became wonderful. And that's all I needed was lose a little weight, get a few friends, my life be wonderful. And that character defect that said, I will be wonderful if I can just lose a little or again, lose a few more pounds and maybe get a get a little bit more popular, then I'll then my life will be fine. And that that character flaw, even to this day, sometimes bugs me or it can sometimes bite me in the What and then you also talked about god, and I was raised baptist, very very religious baptist.

And I knew about god, and god was all powerful and omnipotent. And I knew that that, since since god was in control of everything, I I knew that since I was a 30 pound fat kid, I knew that was god's will. And I know the reason why god wanted me fat was it was his punishment for me for all those deep, dark secrets that I that I carried, for all those horrible things I had done the first 17 years of my life. I'm a 17 year old kid, and I know that my punishment on this planet is to be £300 and have alcohol parents because that's what god was that was the punishment made out to me because of who I was. Which, you know, when you look back on a 17 year old kid thinking that he deserved that much, punishment from a god.

And I always say that if you have a hard time with the 3rd step by turning your way in life for the care of god, then fire that asshole, the god you got. You need to get a different god that's not gonna be so punishing. So I and he also talked about the 4 steps, which means I had to I had to be help with my deep my deep dark secrets, share with you who I was. And one of the reasons that I was eating, and I know one's I I should say, well, I didn't know back then. But I believe that we us compulsory readers, every every compulsory I've ever met, eats over their sexuality.

And my sexuality at that time, I knew that I was that I liked boys, that I wasn't attracted to girls. And I knew from a very early age that I was attracted to boys. And I know that that that god looked at me being baptized and everything. I know that god was saying, so you're a homosexual? Well, you're gonna be really fat.

We're gonna give you alcohol to parents because of all those sinful, horrible thoughts you've had. And so that was my punishment, was I had to be £300. I now know that I ate over my sexuality because I couldn't cope with my sexuality because I didn't know how to deal with my sexuality. The reason why I think we've had completely dealt with sexuality because it wraps up intimacy, wraps up relationships, wraps up body images, all into one little bundle called sexuality. And I don't care what sexuality you are.

I believe we just eat over it. I don't care if you're the most straightest person in the world, you're probably gonna wind up eating over your sexuality. You're the most gay person in the world, but if you're into bestiality, if you're not into bestiality, everyone knows what you're into. Well, you just kinda eat over it because it combines everything into 1 that one those 3 issues kinda wrapped up in 1. So since I couldn't do it 4 step, I really didn't come bother with the program.

But I did wanna lose a £100. I wanted what that man had. So I took the suggested food plan, which is on a gray sheet of paper, and I followed that food plan and I lost about a £125 in about, oh, 6 months, 5 months. Yeah. This is a great weight loss program.

If you wanna lose weight I I mean, I've seen weight loss that's just unheard of and kept up unbelievably unheard of. So so don't tell me, like, oh, this isn't a weight loss program. Bullshit. This is a weight loss program. If I told you if I we put out, you know, in advertisements to people as to get newcomers in the door, we're gonna make you serene and happy.

We're just like, you don't know. I I don't understand. I'm like, £50 overweight. I won't lose the £50. We I mean, that's our hook.

That's our hook that gets people in the door. Come on in. This £60. Keep your £50 off. They catch you that.

We didn't give you that. And then we start talking about the steps and other stuff like that. So but the fact of the matter is I I wanted to lose weight. So I took that ratio and I lost my weight. And I got down to £175.

But I didn't deal with those things that caused me to overeat in the first place. I never wrote an inventory. I never dealt with those causes and the effect was overeating. So I never dealt with those causes. Since I didn't deal with those causes, I had no choice but I had to go out and eat again.

And I had and I put back on about, £75. And then this little thing happened to me and, you know, where it's tickets are secrets. And that little secret about my sexuality, I was no longer a secret, but I came out of the closet. And I started doing my sexuality, and I started being honest about who I was, and I started being true to who I to myself. And I started saying, screw you.

This is who I am. And not caring whether you did like it or not like it. This is who I am. And by stating who I am and saying this is who I am, then I can it's it's kinda like a 4th step and a, you know, 5th step. I actually went to the world and then I just gotta remove this character defect.

It was just, like, okay. This is who I am. And by admitting to who I am, I didn't need to eat over my sexuality. So I got rid of one of those huge things that I was eating over. I came out of the club.

Also, before I was when I was in the club, you say if you lose the weight, you'll get the girls. And I was like, okay. You know? But after I came came out of the class I said, if you lose the weight you'll get the boys. I thought, okay.

Okay. Let's start losing weight. Let's lose weight. So I I mean, vanity is a great I mean, lord knows. I'm sure every one of us has lost weight here for vanity's sake.

You know? Lord knows I've kept my absence a couple of times for vanity's sake. I'm not 23 years of absence is not all spiritual faith driven. I assure you. There's some white nothing in here, there's some, I can't go back in those rooms after 12 years of absence since I have broken my absence, I'm not gonna strike my absence for that reason.

I'm not gonna go back in those rooms after, you know, or, Oh my god, if I lose, I break my abstinence, I'm gonna get fat, I won't get any boys. I mean, we have a thousand and one reasons why we're not gonna why I don't break my absence. So, but the long haul is all such spirituality driven, it's all based upon spirituality. But right here, right this, at this very moment, can I say, oh, I'm totally gutsy and totally peaceful and screaming, and that's why I'm not using the excess food? No.

I wanna lose weight for this dance coming up next week, so maybe I'll just cut back my carbohydrates. I mean, let's let's be honest here. So, anyway, so I I lost the weight, that's I got back down about a £160, and I and I did that I always mention this because I I really believe that a head full of program and a belly floater full of food gets you nowhere. And one of the things I learned in this program when when the first time I came around, was that, because the first time I came around, I I always had commissions, but I I always come to about a meeting a week whether I really need it or not, just for most encouragement to say, okay. Yes.

You're going back to weight loss. Okay. Weight loss up. Yes. Weight loss.

Weight loss. Weight loss. I kept coming back because I wanted the weight loss. I also felt like I was at home here, but I wasn't willing to do what the steps, I wasn't willing to do that. I needed it, but I didn't wanna do it.

I wasn't willing to just the need to do it. So I was visiting you folks and I really say I was visiting. I was a tourist. I'd drop by, I'd visit, say hello, then I'd go about my merry way and so forth. And and so I picked up a few of those little little cliches.

And one of the cliches that I picked up was, it's not the 100th bite I just laid on, it's the first. So after I came out of the closet, I found that if I didn't take that first bite all day long, I was safe from that devil food that I have to deal with. Do I stop with the don't send? Do I not stop with the don't send? Do I eat this or not eat that?

Do I eat this? You know, that mental masturbation that goes on about this and about that, not that. You know, just constant. So I said, stop. I'm not gonna eat.

I'm just not gonna eat. I said, I didn't eat. I didn't take that first bite. I had to deal with the with the compulsion. They talk about the our religion talks about there's 2 things to this disease.

There's the obsession of the mind and the compulsion of the body. I get obsessed about food all day long, but but I I don't obsession is all mental. I'm upset about food all day long. It doesn't count an ounce on me. It's just me thinking about food all day long.

But when I take that first bite, then my addiction kicks in and the compulsion is there and I have to eat to feed my physical addiction to my food. So I found that if I didn't take feed that addiction, if I didn't take that first bite, I didn't have to deal with my addiction. Oh, yes. I was obsessed with food, but I didn't. So I I got down to about a £160.

I maintained my weight that way for a couple years. And the weight and and I call this my donut diet stage because basically, I would not eat anything all day long. And then on the way home from the disco tack at 2 o'clock in the morning, I would stop and get 9 or 10 donuts. Because it was, like, one of those things where where, and I always it was always up to the disco tech, and I always say it was deal with rejection. With deal with everyone like, standing in crowded crowded disco tech with 2,000 guys or a 1000 people, extending the corn and being afraid to move my little finger.

Because then if I move my little finger, the entire disc protect would turn around and look at me and say, look how you moved your finger. That boy, what are you doing here? You're too ugly. You're too fat. The hell out of here.

You don't belong here. So there I am and I mean, I'm not self centered. I mean, mind you, I wasn't self centered. I wasn't self upset. I was just afraid to move my little finger because I never wanted a disconnect was watching my little finger.

So, anyway, so I mean, I so I was constantly being rejected in my mind by everyone's a discotheque. No one was really rejecting me because I was just a wallflower in the corner with no one paying attention to me. You have to be out there to be rejected. You know, if you're not out there I wasn't rejected. So, anyway, dealing with all that rejection, I was stopping getting 900 donuts.

And I always say it was never a dozen donuts because if you eat a dozen donuts, you're a compulsive overeater. But if you eat 9 or 10 donuts, you're not a compulsive overeater. Now, that was my rules and I'm sure everyone in this room has their rules that said, well, if I didn't do that, I'm not a compulsive eater. Or if I don't do that, I'm not your compulsive eater. Well, I never ate Aldi's garbage or I have never ate Twinkle's and Bits for a snack.

No. I mean, I'm sure so, you know, that doesn't make me a true compulsion eater. Okay. So I know I never ordered a 1,000 donuts and ate it in one setting. So I'm not a true compulsive reader.

Right. Not a true compulsive reader. You know? Look at the picture. I'm a true compulsive reader.

So I maintained my weight that way for a while and and it for a couple years. And, I mean, god bless the newcomer because it's new I was talking about my donut diet, and this newcomer came up to me after the meeting one day, And she said, Carol, if the donut diet worked, why don't you stop? You know? Okay. So let's make it really clear why I stopped the donut diet because I was crazier than cat shit.

Okay? I was just crazier than cat shit. I I you can't live on maybe a green salad, maybe a little cinnamon, whatever, and 9 or 10 donuts. You just can't live. You don't have your I'm starving my body.

Anyway, what I'm gonna do is I put on £30 in 6 weeks. Well, I mean, okay. Does that qualify? Am I a computer now? True?

Okay. And what what happened before I put on these £30 in 6 weeks is I was told by a doctor, I it was an eye doctor, and, he had a hard time getting my my prescription. Every time I go there, my prescription has changed. I go again, prescription is different. Go again, prescription is different.

It's all over the book of my prescription. And he asked me, he said, he asked me if there was a history of diabetes or hypoglycemia in my family. I said, yes. My grandmother died. I I I don't know.

They they start taking they took body parts. You know? They took the big toe, then they took the left toe, and then they took the foot, and they took the leg. You know? And then when they took the second leg, that's when she died.

So I don't know if it was what what was caused her death. I don't know what her vestigial certificate said. I remember her in the bed, talking about eating her hard candy as they're taking her body parts. I'm not I'm not gonna diagnose my grandmother as a impulsive overeater, but lord knows that they're taking her body parts because you're eating, you know, because of diabetes. You have no business eating sugar.

So anyway then, that's when I was handling. So the doctor said, are you I said, yes. There is a history. And he said, well, he asked me a simple little question, which, you know, it's a very innocent little question. He asked me, am I eating sugar?

Well, I'm a compostable reader. What do you say? You lied. I mean, excuse me. I mean, maybe once we get in the pruner, we get a little bit more honest with our food, but even to this day, it's very difficult to be completely honest with what we eat what we put in our mouth.

So as a true compost burrito, I'd lighten that side of meat a little. Well, 9 or 10 donuts is not a lot of sugar. I can eat a 3 pound box of cheese candy. So 9 or 10 donuts is not a lot of sugar. Well, the doctor told me, he said, Carol, if I don't if you don't stop eating sugar, you'll be blind within a year.

I then went to Europe for a vacation and that's when I put on those £30 in 6 weeks. And I wish I could say it was on Belgian and on, you know, a French pepper and beans, but it was not. It was on Bavarian pastries, Swiss chocolates, you name it. I was bingeing on nothing but sugar. I was traveling.

I had no restraint. I had no work restraint. I had no restraint. I had money in my pocket, and so I dinged my way through Europe. And I can remember I can remember this very vividly sitting in a train, putting my face full of chocolates, having the book Sugar Blues in my in my my knapsack, it wasn't gonna pick that up because I did I read it and take responsibility for the knowledge.

So, no, we're not gonna read that now. With binging my brain on chocolate thinking, I can still see, I can still see. And when things start to go gray, that's when I'll stop. So where will my disease take me? I am willing to risk my eyesight for one more bite of chocolate bar.

I am willing to risk my life for for biting food. So can I understand my grandmother sitting in that hospital bed, then taking body parts and eating hard candy? You betcha. Bring it on. Bring on that hard candy because you know what I said.

I left for hard candy. You know, what the fuck is? Why are you off the lake? Why mother by far they're gonna take from me? So so anyway, after gaining £30 and reaching a bottom that I didn't think I'd ever reach.

I mean, a bottom that was just I was so demoralized. I came back from Europe. I couldn't see my friends because I had to show up 6 weeks later, and then when I asked about your European vacation, I go, oh, well, I guess you would enjoy the French food. You know, I was too I was just totally demoralized. And I and I called, my sister who was an OA at the time, and I said, I need to dry out.

I need to come here. We didn't have any disorder anymore. I need to dry I tried taking sugar in Europe and I couldn't do it. I got sick. I physically got ill, and I and I know that God allowed me to continue eating for a few more weeks to get me back to nicely.

Because if I were done on my own, I'd quit. I would've. And I might not come back to Portland. But god said no. And when you get back, I'll take care of you.

So I I came back to United States and I I I went to my first meeting. Now I I really couldn't do away. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's what I tell my first I I really can't do it. I can't do my creation anymore.

I don't think I know why I can, You know, I'm, like, I'm not in a a a middle aged housewife. Why am I gonna be a little? You know? But you know what? I it was the last house in my block.

I knew this is the last house in the block. I knew I had no place else to go. I knew that I mean, I I knew I can't go back to my building. So I I came over to anonymous, and, I just found out that there was a a a meeting next week. They met me from Houston.

I met I found a place where I sit in, and I was going to 6 meetings a week, and I was going to fellowship after the meeting. And then now my life insisted that I go to work, get, go to the meeting, go to fellowship, maybe go to therapy, go home, go to bed, wake up, go to meet go to work, go to meetings, and fellowship. That was my life. I I got a sponsor. I started working the steps.

I started sponsoring people, and then right, friend. Okay. And so then, look. I had this virtual experience, and the spiritual experience was I was walking out of Roxbury Park on a on a Friday night, and we were doing the step study and we were doing the 12 step. And I'm, like, thinking 12 step?

I'm, like, 3 months absent or 2 months abstinent. You know, I came back and I got absent. I mean, there was there was, like, I was absent before I hit my first meeting because I was so deaf and I knew what abstinence was. I knew what it was about because that great sheet of paper saved my life the first time. Then I knew it was like no sugar, no flour, and you don't eat carbohydrates, just, you know, food.

And so it was I was, like, thinking, I don't need I don't need business in these steps that we're gonna trust you. But, anyway, I say for me, as I was walking back to that car and I had to cross the car, This calmness and stillness can help me, and I whisper a voice from my friend that says to her, nothing. You're gonna be alright. And you have the right to be here as the statue, and it was the first in my life I didn't believe, but it's just my life, I believe I wasn't following your heart, that you just tolerated, that I really did have a right to eat, and I never ever felt that until that moment, and that was my spiritual experience. There's no heaven's heart and there's no anger thing, but I knew that that was a spiritual experience.

I knew that there was my God talking to me and comforting souls to me. And I wish to god I could say that was my that was, you know, that that last time I got absent was the last time I got absent, but no. Not me. I had one more time to go out there. You know?

Yeah. I was talking to great program. I sponsored people. I was doing great. I was looking people look at me.

I mean, I was I was 20 some 21, 22 years old, kind of cute, you know, lost the that lost that £30, and I started buying my press releases. They'll tell me how wonderful I was after 3 months, you know. And I was getting lot I was getting hit on by the guys at the at the center. I was like, woah. I followed to my sponsor and said, you know, I'm sick and tired of going to these room full of badass people talking about their problems.

I'm sick and tired of being told what I can and cannot eat. I want to go live my life. I wanna be out dancing boys in Palm Springs on a Friday night. I do not want to be set in a. But and but but, basically, if I could have, I would turn back my bed book and say, here you go.

I'm done with you. But and and my sponsor said some magic words to me. He said, Terrell, remember, you're leaving us. We're not leaving you. And if you ever wanna come back, we'll be here.

Of course, my attitude was thank you for sharing. Yeah. This really worked this is before we even had abandonment issues. We didn't know what abandonment was. We were just he was just saying he just knew me as a composer that said that would say, listen, babble.

You're checking out. Not us. You are. You took your seat away from you. So you won't bring your seat back in the meeting, you just bring your seat back in the meeting, but we didn't take it away from you.

So I was like, okay. Fine. So I remember driving home from my sponsor's house, ex sponsor at that time, because I had just fired him and now he's, I'm no longer in program. And I remember thinking, okay, God. You and me because I'm being very spiritual at this point in time.

Very spiritual. And we're gonna go have some fun, God. Enough with that crazy OA shit. Let's go have some good times. Let's go dance with the boys.

Let's have some fun. I'm gonna eat what I want, when I want. You know? We're just gonna have a good time. And, and, on the January 5th 1979, I, binged.

I broke that absence. And, my binge was 2 pieces of toast. That's it. That's my last band. I know you might have had that for breakfast this morning, but my I am a hopelessly addicted to vodka.

I'm hopelessly addicted to sugar. My absence has never ever included sugar or flour. So if I eat 2 pieces of toast, it is a clear cut egg and abdomen. And when I ate those 2 pieces of toast, the abs the obsession and the compulsion came pouring back over me with food. Where all of a sudden, I all I was thinking about was, like, food, eating more food.

And I saw the donuts, and I know where exactly where I was gonna. I never been that donuts stand before, but it was they had warm lights inside, and I was gonna go to the donuts. And then I thought, oh my god. I'm gonna lose weight gain weight. And I'm mainly, oh my god.

Am I gaining pain and going to work? And I think, oh my god. I I that means I have to get a scale because the scale's not right. I I and that obsession came and I had 3 months of freedom from that obsession. I had 3 months of freedom from the disease.

And with 2 pieces of toast, they came pouring back in. And I got really scared and I and I said I I went to bed and I put the person in hand and said, god, please help me. Please help me. I because you folks told me the door will always swing out, but you will never know if the door will swing back in. And I know the door had just swung out, and I didn't know if by that third time of getting it, I'd I'd been graced twice.

I'd have been a third time. I was really scared. I said, god, please. I cannot binge one more time. And when I was like, it wasn't about food.

I mean, it wasn't about weighing £300 because I knew that I could I knew that I could eat my weight off of a donor diet, but it was the obsession, it was the craziness that would scare me. That the moral degradation that I took myself, that's what scared me. And so the next morning, I got up and called my sponsor, and I said, I'm back. I've been back ever since. And now I wish to God I could say, oh, and then I live happily ever after.

But the fact of the matter is I am a firm believer that the 1st year, I believe that after you get absent, your life is gonna go to hell in a handbasket. I just really believe that. Everyone here, your life, when you get absent, that just goes to hell. Because the fact that I kinda look at this, you know, it's kinda like I think of, like, this this this whole, like, mob running after after me. It's caused my character defects.

They're chasing me chasing me. Now I'm running around the whole all over everything with this mob with my character defects running behind me and trying to catch up with me. And I'm running over here, digging away from them, running over there with me. And, also, when I got absent, I stopped. And what happened is I feel like this entire mob of character defects came running at them, just smacked right into me.

You know? Just kept piling up on top of me, and that's what happened to me. My character oh, god. And I finally came out of the fog in my 1st year, got my 2nd year, which I got in my out of this relationship, and god bless you in a relationship after, you know, if you're a newcomer, like, after the first whole month of a relationship. Bless you.

I mean, I understand your that desire. I I love high drama too. I understand high drama. Oh, you love that. It doesn't love me.

Oh my gosh. She's like, Oh my god. I love you know, that was drama. I mean, I understand you had that drama in your 1st year of your late 1st year of absence. You know?

But so I I waited my 2nd year, then I got in the drama. Oh my god. Oh my god. You know? Don't worry if I cut my hand ticking the knife away from him and he's gonna go slash our furniture because he was upset with me?

So what if I wind up in the pee fetal position on the bathroom floor hurting so bad I can hardly stand myself? It was fun. No. If you asked me, then it wasn't fun. But, obviously, I got a fix off of it because I wouldn't be there in that position if I didn't get some emotional fix off of it.

So I now look at that and go, of course, I enjoyed that. And, of course, what got me what really clicked for me, I was about 9 months in this relationship when I was talking to my sponsor, And she said something like that, and it said and the words came to my mouth. Can I be that much a martyr? And I had answered, this. I'd rather be a martyr than be happy in a relationship.

So it's like, okay. So then I started the process of getting out of that relationship. And now I can tell you all the stuff I've been through apps. And I mean, I moved to Texas. I got fired from a job, moved to Texas, Moved back to from Texas, got hepatitis, had no money, was living on handouts in these programs.

People show people show my doorstep with bags of groceries saying, because I wasn't able to work because of hepatitis. Somebody bought some groceries here. They asked me for anything. Just took care of me. God, I moved back to Los Angeles.

I was just one of I was a sole caretaker with my nephew. I mean, just ad infinitum. I found out I was HIV positive. Didn't think I was gonna live another I mean, I mean, I think one of the greatest gifts of my life is the fact that I'm HIV positive, which to me tells me that I can take anything that my life gives me and if I give it to god, I can turn around it for a greater joy. Just like my my Wayne Turner pounds, I turned turned that around to be a great gift of joy in my life.

Maybe an HIV positive. When I found I was HIV positive, I didn't know how long I was gonna live. There's a week time frame when I didn't know what my numbers were, I had not all I knew was I was positive. And I was trying to decide between 2 vacations. I found out, like, in February March, I was gonna either go to Costa Rica in, in May or Provincetown in July.

And I remember thinking, let's get emotional, I I better go to Costa Rica in May because I might not be alive in July. And my it occurred me at that moment, in the shower, I faced my little child, and I started sobbing like I had never sobbed before. My family was around me. They were nervous. I really were scared because it was a gut wrench inside.

Where my people died, I died that day. And the greatest gift is, I'm a borrowed time. You are too. You just don't know. But I am a barber timer.

I'm a 300 pound fat kid who's HIV positive who came out in San Francisco in 1976. I should be dead. I got a long list of friends who are dead. I should be dead. I'm not.

So I get to look at life every day, like, oh my god. I'm breathing. Look. I'm breathing. Not a gift.

You don't get that unless you face your mortality with, oh my god. Oh my god. Now you can get that by looking at the seriousness of the disease, impulsive overeating, and go, I can die from this disease. This disease will kill me. And if you know this disease will kill you every day you're abstinent, you can wake up breathing going, oh my god.

It's another day. I get to live. And you might not think to to binge is to die, But all I got news for you, you take that first binge bite, you just killed your spirit. You just killed your soul. Sure.

The body's moving, but the soul is not living. Your soul is not dancing. What it's like today, and I'll finish up quickly. This is fabulous. 6 years ago, I started my own business.

In 2001 or 2000, I wound up in about 20 different dance parties around the country where there's thousands of gay men. They're called the circus parties. Thousands of gay men dance with their shirts up. And I'm there to get my shirts up. 20 years abstinent.

Now I guess I had to get abstinent and work a 12 step program to go out dancing with the boys. Not what I thought. Not like, okay. I'm fuck the program. I'm gonna go out dancing.

No. I'm gonna work this program. I'm gonna sit in a damn meeting. And the first 6, 7, 8 years, 9 years of of absence, I did nothing but sit in meetings. I hardly have a social life.

Oh, well. I have a fabulous social life now. So if you're sometimes complaining about being in no way all the time and you're sending me, oh my god. Wait till you stop eating a new comer. Like, after you get 5 years of absence, then you can start talking about him in social life.

You're so damaged. I mean, we're all so fucking damaged when we come in the doors. We need to set 5 years of respite just so we can get healed, so we can go out and act like a normal person, so we can then function like a normal person. So, anyway, I'm not dancing with boys. But 5 years 6 years ago, I started my own business.

Very successful business. Very successful. A year ago, I gave up that business because I got scared. I started I went for the 401 k and stock options and stuff, but I really and I went to go work for the software company because it was my future and, you know, I went for the future. I I bank I banked my future on this company, these 401 k stock options, not upon god.

The 401 k and stock options became my god. Not my the way I got started my own business, I said, god, I'm spending more money than I'm making. This job that I have is not making enough money. Either you gotta help me to stop spending because I I can't stop my spending. Or you gotta get me another job or you I'm willing to wait tables at night.

And I'll stop going to the gym if I have to. I'll wait tables. Within a month, a coworker of mine came to me and said, Terrell, my my fiance's sister has the same program. Can you help with her books once a week? And that led to me having my own business, getting a partner, have some employees.

That way, I get my business a year ago. What a mistake. I guess I just wasn't really listening to god. I wasn't based upon, you know I I was traveling so much. I was in LA maybe one day out of the month.

I wasn't making my meetings. I got out to god Center, and I wasn't listening to God. I was listening to my ego self. So I went for fear, and I went to go work for this company. What a mistake.

I moved to Denver. What a mistake. And I went why not managing people, which I didn't the reason I left the job left I when I when I stopped being an employee, I said, well, I don't have to deal with office politics again. Then I got involved with this corporate world. But, anyway, I came back to Los Angeles for 3 months.

I went to the CEO of this corporation and said, right. Great job. I'm the wrong man. I'm going back to Los Angeles. And either you can keep me as an employee, and I'm gonna do exactly what I was doing in Los Angeles with what I was doing before.

You just collect the money and you pay me a salary, or I'm gonna be your your competition. Well, she was no dummy. She she kept me on. I did that for 6 months, finally, and I got I got well enough. My sister died last year, about this in January, which was the most important woman in my most important person in my life, and I was devastated after that.

Devastated after that. Last January, I had I LASIK eye surgery, which I had complications so I could hardly see for 4 months. All that was last since last year. It's 2001. It was a hell of a year 2001.