Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

At this time, I'd, like to introduce our guest speaker who has been with us for the past 3 weeks. Joanne has been gracious enough to come out to our group here from Coopersburg, Pennsylvania. Over the past 3 weeks, she has told us her story and has given us her personal experience, strength, and hope with the first 9 steps. This evening, she'll wrap up her 4 week talk with her experience on steps 101112. Joanne Pfeith.

Everyone. My name is Joanne, and I am an alcoholic. I just wanna thank Patty for speaking earlier. I really liked what you said. I got a lot out of it.

Oh, my. I'm really grateful to be sober today. And I'm really grateful to be here. I wanna thank Mike and Kathy, for asking me to do this commitment. Because, one of the things I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that, my, I usually will grow a lot when I'm asked to do things.

And, in reflection this week, you know, some people call it meditation. It, you know, I realize how much I have gotten out of doing this. And how much I personally grew over the last couple of weeks because what it forced me to do. And, of course, this is because I wanna look good in AA, which some people would call a character defect. But one of the things I was forced to do was to really brush up.

Like how can I concisely put, the essential details of my story and steps 1 and 2 into an hour? How can I do that? Because it's really easy for me when I sit down with somebody. When when I'm at a meeting and, you know, I share for 3 or 4 minutes or whatever the limit is, you know, to just say a few words. It's real easy when I sit down with, a new protege and start to read the book or somebody I've been working with for a couple of months and we've got a rapport and, you know, I've got the book in front of me and I can read the book and then I can stop wherever I want to and I can say, now this is what happened with me or this is what this means to me.

Or maybe, you know, one of the things I've started doing, with someone I'm working with right now is I have a new copy of the book and it doesn't have my 7 years of notes of all the wonderful things that I've heard other people say, at great weekends like in New York or in Vermont or here in New Jersey or in Pennsylvania. Great weekends that I've attended, where people sit down with the book and share with a large group. And how can I convey that just talking, you know, and and talking to another person? How how would I be able to do that? And it really forced me to concentrate on on what it all does really mean to me and what really happened for me and to go back and think about it.

And, you know, I need to remember what my bottom was because if I start forgetting, you know, what my bottom was then it starts getting easier for me to let other things slip in my program because I don't see how necessary they are anymore. Because it doesn't it's not life and death anymore, you know, the way it was in the beginning. I mean, in the beginning, it was like anything that I was asked to do was absolutely a must in my mind because it was if I didn't do it, if you guys kicked me out, I was dead, you know, and that was the bottom line. And you know what? It still is, you know.

And I can't forget that, you know. And I know you're not gonna kick me out, but it's a more personal thing for me today, you know. I need to continue, you know, as it says in the 10th step. It says in this one paragraph, it uses the word continue like a zillion times. That's an exaggeration, but I'm an alcoholic.

You know, but it says, you know, we have to continue to watch. We need to continue all of these practices that we've done in steps 4 through 9 on a daily basis. And that doesn't mean once a day, it means all day long. And that means me, you know, I need to watch myself. I need to watch what I'm doing.

I need to watch what I'm saying. I need to watch how I treat other people. I need to be careful that, when I get scared I don't take it out on you, you know, when, you know, by being dishonest or being manipulating or trying to get the situation to fit what I want to happen, you know, when I when I get self centered or self seeking, when I want a certain outcome that I don't start to, disregard you completely and be inconsiderate. And I actually, you know, I need to always remember that I'm not the only person in this world and you're a child of God too. And that's what the continue means.

I know when I first started this process of knowing that I was going to have to do this. I just want to go back to talking about being driven by my ego a little bit because a lot of times people talk about things as, you know, their character defects or their natural instincts as being bad. You know, like they're that they're all bad but they're only bad to the extent that we as alcoholics misuse them. And that was the point I wanted to make because it's a lot of these, I mean, you know, like the sex drive is here for a constructive purpose. It's to keep the human race on this planet, you know.

If we didn't have a sex drive, we wouldn't continue to have more humans. You know? We would be the end of it. And and, you know, but, you know, when I use mine I use your sex drive to get what I want, we have a problem. Okay?

You know, and and that's where it's the misuse, it's the destructive use of these natural instincts. So this like this ego thing that I had about I needed to do the best I could here, you know, was for me really a motivating force. And I think that anything that motivates us to do, something productive, as this has been really productive for me. I think that that's a good thing. You know, I think it's when we misuse these, characters, characteristics, these instincts, that we get into trouble.

So, again, thank you for asking me to do this. Let's see. I was trying to think if there was anything I had forgotten to cover over the last couple. Oh, yes. Something else happened in a meeting this this week, and I wanted to bring it up.

And I don't know if I had made it clear, last week when we're talking about amends because I got into kind of this long dissertation of different amends I had done. One of the things that I wanted to, to mention because I really try to impress this on the women I work with, and that is, there seems to sometimes there's a misconception or maybe it's just another form of balking, is that, you know, that I have to get completely done with step 8 before I can start step 9. And it's been my experience that if I were complete if I had to wait till I got completely done with step 8, in other words, I was willing to make every amend that I knew that I possibly had to make before I started to make any of them, I wouldn't have started yet, okay? Because there's still a couple that, now I just haven't gotten there yet, you know, and I'm here to say that I'm not, you know, the perfect little AA, but oh well. It's a spiritual path, you know.

I haven't gotten to the top of the mountain yet, so I'll still keep going up the mountain. So I just wanted to make that point clear because I think sometimes people get the impression somehow that you have to be willing to make them all before you can start to make any of them. And I think that, sometimes there's different scenarios that can happen and, you know, I may not even be willing to make an amend and the situation will present itself and I'll get I'll be in the amend and that's when I know I was filing willing. That's happened. And also, there are other amends that, you I'm completely willing to make and I haven't found the person yet.

So you know, there's all different time schemes there. And once again, I just have to remind myself that I'm not in control of the universe, and these involve other people and they have lives too. And God's doing his work with them, whatever it may be. So, maybe the time isn't right. When the time is right, God will put me there.

And the point is that I need to be ready and I need to be willing and I need to be doing the footwork to do everything I can to find somebody. I mean, you know, looking on the Internet, looking in phone books, contacting old mutual friends, that kind of thing. And if all of those fail, then I just have to wait for God to do what he needs to do. So I guess that kinda I think that's the only thing I forgot to say about amends. Okay.

Step 10. When, continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Doesn't say if. It says when. That's an important word for me, because I know that, it was put there for a reason because their experience character defects, God removed them, something popped up again.

Character defects, God removed them. Oops. Something popped up again. And it happened for them. So if it happens for me, guess what?

This is the place where I'm the same as you. So it's okay, you know. And obviously, you live through it. You're giving me a way to live through it. You're giving me a way not to die from it.

And this is the kind of thing that could kill me. You know, there's there's quite oftentimes in my, in my daily life when resentments pop up, when fears crop up, when I do things to hurt somebody else. I'd like to think that it's usually unintentional. However, if I look back over my day, sometimes I know that I did something just to be spiteful And I need to make amends as soon as possible with that person. And I need to do it regardless of whether or not I think they are they owe me an amend, you know.

And that's another thing about amends too is, you know, I was talking a little bit last week about that ratio of how much of an amend they owe me and I owe them. And, you know, going to somebody who you think owes you an amend is so healing Because you know what? You can be, like, done with it then, you know. You don't have to sit there and wait on them anymore because I took the action. And oftentimes things will happen in my daily life where, you know, I don't particularly, for example, this is a pretty common thing for me is, you know, where I'll say something and I feel very strongly about the fact that what I said was right and that I don't think there's any reason for me to take back what I said, but how I said it was really not right.

It was mean. It was condescending. It was, irritating. It was meant to intentionally inflame the situation, you know, because I wanted to show that other person how wrong they really were, you know. And if I can push their buttons then, you know, it'll probably, you know, show me, show them and show everybody else how wrong that person is.

And, that's one of the things that I have to guard against. I noticed when I first got sober when I first did my, first 5th 7, 6, and 7, one of the tools of the 10th step which I consider to be, part of practicing 67, but it's really, I guess, 10 or whatever it is. Sometimes I get a little crazy with, you know, people who get a little in too much into the doctrine of, well, this is this step and this is this step. And it's like really just practicing the principles and so maybe that makes it 12. So, and that was, I don't know.

But if I could just pause and keep my mouth shut for 2 seconds. You know? And, you know, let my, like, let myself hear what I was thinking. Let my heart hear what I was thinking before it came out of my mouth. And that was so important for me to like start to overcome because you know, I still feel like, you know, my tongue is, as you could tell by what I was sharing before, I still feel that the things that I say are often the things that get me into trouble.

And it could be, and it's it's usually in front of somebody, you know, where they start to, you know, say stuff that I disagree with, and I need to just, you know, take that that mental step backwards and kinda that mental step backwards and just kinda like even like you know like like pretend like I'm like watching myself like a cartoon or or something, you know, and just say, if I can just hear my like watch myself think or hear myself think before it comes out of my mouth and I do more harm, I mean, that for me is one of the most important parts of this 10 step. You know, it's just like that continue to watch, you know, continue to watch like I have to continue to watch me. I have to continue to watch myself, watch how I'm acting, watch how I'm feeling, watch how I'm reacting. And that, of course is always the crux of the problem for me is if I'm reacting instead of acting. That's where I get into trouble because, if I'm praying and I'm asking for the faith and I have the faith and I'm acting and I'm asking God what would you want me to be?

How should I act? Then instead of somebody saying something to me that kicks off that fear in me, that, that selfishness, that, you know, I'm not gonna get what I want, or you're trying to take something I have even if it's just my self esteem and what I believe to be the truth, if that makes any sense, then then I'm reacting. And and it is it usually isn't gonna be a good thing thing that's gonna come out of my mouth because, you know, I have to understand that, you know, the other guy has the right to his own opinion. And if he's wrong, he's wrong. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

And I don't mean to say that I wanna be open minded to the point where, you know, in the morning I believe that the sky is blue and, you know, at night I believe that the sky is, you know, green or something. I just want it just to allow the possibility and to not constantly have so much of my self esteem locked up in that, you know, me appearing to be everything that I think I need to appear to be. And if I can just step back from that for a little bit and that's for me a lot of that continue to watch continue to watch for that selfishness and the dishonesty. I don't consider myself to be a dishonest person, but, you know, I'm not, like, cash registered dishonest. I don't steal, you know, from other people.

I never did. But, I've been you know, I will bend. I will, inflect. I will, color to put myself in the best light, you know. And, you know, there's a fellow, Don Miguel Ruiz, that, has some popular books out right now.

And one of the things he talks about is, you know, in any given situation if there's 2 people involved, there's 3 things that are actually going on. 1 is person A's description of what's going on, person B's description of what's going on, and what's really going on. So, you know, apparently, this isn't just an alcoholic malady. You know, it's just part of the human condition. But that's one of the things that I need to watch for is, you know, am I, you know, in telling this person, you know, a story about something?

Do I do things because I want because I want to look good, you know. And for me, that's a lot of what it is. You know, me needing to look good, you know. I need to look good. I need to to, have everybody, see me as acceptable, to see me as likable, to, you know, and all that stuff.

So that's, a lot of what I continue to watch is about for me. So that's during the day and that's me. And that's, you know, pausing and asking for God's help during the day. Step 11 suggests, prayer and meditation. In the step 11 area of the big book, it gives us 2 separate, basic routines to follow.

1 is in the evening and it begins with the evening review because I guess it assumes that you're up when you're reading. So morning has probably passed. So it starts with the evening review. And the evening review gives us basically 12 questions that we can answer and it's of like a mini 4th step. And, you know, where was I selfish?

Where was I dishonest? And, I think that that it's a little different than the 10th step because at at the evening, I can kind of, look back at the day with a little bit of distance from it, not being in the middle of the situations. And also I think, if I could sit down and I can get quiet and do a little prayer, I can connect. I connect better at that point when I'm quiet and I'm not in the middle of the milieu of the day with my higher power and ask him to help me to see any situations that might need to be righted. Any situations, where not necessarily where I owe an amend, but where I think maybe I coulda handled it better or, maybe an answer to something that was unresolved.

And to look at, you know, different things that I may want to accomplish tomorrow in retrospect of the day. So that's, the big book routine for, doing that evening review. I don't always do that. Usually in the evening I'm really pretty tired from the day. I get home pretty late and, I'm usually pretty tired.

I do say some prayers. I do some meditation and, I usually fall right out. However, in the morning I'll do a review of the day before. And that's when I like to do it because, I find, that that works better for me. I'll think about the day before and the things that happened the day before, and then I'll think about the day ahead.

And I'll ask God's guidance in the day ahead. And I kind of combine that all together. I read a couple of meditation books. One I've had since, I was in rehab the last the last time which was in May of 94. My sister who is about as conventional American as you can get, not an alcoholic, not, but she's kinda pretty spiritual and it's really cool.

Gave me this book and it's called Each Day A New Beginning. It's a women's meditation book, and I still read that book just about every day. I recently picked up a book while we were up at the Wilson House, and that's Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest. And that's really pretty Jesus y. If you're not into Jesus, I don't recommend it.

Some people like Buddhist meditation, you know, that one's but I get a lot out of that one. One of the things I really like to do, when we were up at the Wilson House we, all got together bright and early at like what is it, like quarter to 7 on Saturday? Yeah. And, it was fun. I went in my pajamas because I happen to be staying in the house.

We were up there in March. And, and I came down in my pajamas, you know, a little book with me, you know, and, we just all sat around and, read the morning meditation. And apparently according to our history books this is what, Anne Smith and Doctor. Bob and, Bill Wilson and the early Oxford groupers would do was they would all get together and at somebody's house in the morning for coffee and they would read their meditation and they would pray pray together and then they would share what they got in their meditation. And, I thought that was really really neat and, recently I started, because my schedule is a little wacky right now, so I started going to this 9 AM meeting on Tuesday morning in the last couple of weeks.

And it's an open discussion meeting, and I don't usually go to open discussion meetings. I usually go to literature based meetings because I find, in general, they stay more to the topic of the solution in Alcoholics Anonymous than other meetings. But this open discussion meeting is is pretty cool because, they read the daily reflection, which is one of the AA approved, meditation books AA published meditation books. And, and the last couple of weeks, they've been discussing it. So I just think that's really cool.

So I've been enjoying that meeting a lot because, I get a lot out of, the couple of times that I've been in an AA meeting where we actually did a guided meditation and then people shared their, their, guidance, that they got while they were listening, which is what meditation is. It's listening to the guidance of your higher power. And, I've always really enjoyed listening to, other people share their guidance. And, it's, you know, it's it's a consideration for me because sometimes I think the things that I hear are a little bit wacky and then I have to wonder if it's me. And, sometimes the things that I hear are a little bit wacky, and I find out that the me part of it is the me not wanting to do it, So I have to look out for that too.

So, I really like to hear what other people get in guidance also. You know, I don't you know, some some people say, you know, in meditation this morning, I heard, you know, I got blah blah blah blah blah, you know. And, to me it's not really that formal of a thing, you know, because, it kind of it kind of occur like things just like occur to me, like, in the shower, you know. And to me, I look at that as guidance today, you know. Because, like, things occur to me that I had no idea where they came from, you know.

And, so now I've made a practice of making sure that the first thing I do while, you know, I well, first thing I do is I put the coffee pot on, but and, you know, while I'm waiting for that to drip, I sit down at the kitchen table and my little meditation books are right there in my big book. And I'll sit down and I'll start my morning routine and have a cup of coffee. And I find that if I get connected that way right away, first thing in the morning, then you know I'm pretty sure that the things that occur to me in the shower or when I'm doing my yoga, you know, first thing in the morning, you know, my little morning routine, I'm pretty sure that the things that occurred to me came from the right direction, you know, from my higher power and not just from you know what Joanne wants and what Joanne has to get everybody else to do today so Joanne can get what she wants. And, you know, that's one of my favorite things. Always was, you know.

Okay, if I get this one to do this and, you know, I gotta get that one over there, but, I try not to do that too much anymore either. But one of the things that I thought was, the four surefire way to, figure out is is, if the guidance came from me or for my higher power is just a test against the 4 absolutes as John was talking about last week. You know, if, if the thought is honest, if it's, loving, and if it's pure, meaning it can, you know, it feels like it came from God, then I can be pretty sure it came from God. You know, if there's something for me to gain, me only, to gain, if someone's going to be hurt or someone might be hurt, if there's any taint of, you know, manipulation or fear, meaning that I'm not being faithful, not pure, then it probably came from me. So that's the test.

That's what I've been taught. So if I write down this guidance, and that's something, that I've been doing lately too is, doing written meditation because I find it really helpful. Just as they told us to write down our 4th step, you know, I can I can still tend to get to a place where things roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and roll around and I and I am one of those people who hates to forget something? So if there's something I really think that I really need to remember it, it'll just keep rolling. And it'll roll back again, it'll roll back and it comes on regular making lists of tasks was helpful.

So I have found that transferring that to my, personal life and my I just do, it's a written meditation in the morning where, you know, I'll just sit and I'll read my meditations and, I'll read my books and read the big book, and I'll then I'll sit there and I'll just listen and start to write whatever comes. And I don't edit what comes. I just write it, and sometimes I'll end up writing up in the margins around things that seem to, you know, I need to get them like in the same general area because this had to do with that, you know, that kind of stuff. I found myself doing that today, you know, and, because there was like one important point. It didn't belong down down here in this scenario.

It belonged back up in scenario a instead of scenario d because, you know, all of a sudden the solution came to me for scenario a, you know, so I had to write it back up there. So, that's one of the things that I have found really helpful. I think that it's important also, to note to point out that I didn't start doing step 11 after I got into my amends, because I probably would've died if I waited that long. I had to get connected, as connected as I could possibly be, as soon as I had that, realization of step 2, that there was a higher power that could probably help me with this. And I think that's when I started to pray.

I started to pray even before I made that 3rd step decision. I know a lot of people say that, you know, once you do step 3, then you gotta start. But I think it started for me before that because for me, just to go back to my story a little bit, you know, I had a lot of trouble with, God could and would if he were sought, which is, you know, supposition c on page 50 something. But for me, that's really a summation of the second step. And I didn't believe that God would for me because I was too bad.

Because I really believe that I had sunk so low that I was unforgivable. And I had to start to pray for that forgiveness before I could ever make that 3rd step decision. So for me, that's been my experience and I'm not, you know, saying that any other way is wrong or right. I'm just saying that that was my experience and that's what worked for me. So I've been doing Step 11 on a daily basis since then.

And, when I say on a daily basis, again, I don't mean once a day because these kinds of things I need to remember to be doing all day long. You know, I need to get connected first thing in the morning. Before I even open my eyes the first thing that I pray is for God to help me be of service today. And I just leave it at that because I don't know what that's gonna mean today. And I can't say to, you know, give me a new.

I can't say to give me, a new commitment because, you know, right now I may not have an AA commitment. I can't I can't say what that service is gonna be, and I can't even say whether it's gonna be an AA in my family, in my work life, in my driving to work, you know. It could be, you know, that, you know, a hawk breaks its wing and lands on my yard. I mean, these kinds of things happen where I live and, you know, I mean, I don't know what it's gonna be and I can't limit it because God is unlimited. I can't possibly limit the possibilities.

If I had come into Alcoholics Anonymous and if all I ever got was the little bit that I wanted the day I walked in here, I would have sold myself so short from what I have right now. And I'm nowhere near partway up this path, I believe. I think I've got a long, long way to go on this path yet, and there's so much more. And there's no way that I could possibly limit what possibilities are out there for me today. And I just have to stay open to them.

And I think that that's, for me, the best way that I can start my day, just with that one little prayer. You know? And, I'm also I'll also pray generally when, I'm not in pain because I've been experiencing a lot of pain from a couple of car accidents, and that comes and goes. So I usually say thank you if I happen to wake up and I'm not in pain. So that's always a good thing too.

I'm grateful for that if I'm, pain free that morning. But, you know, the fact of the matter is I can still get up and move around. So, you know, you do the best you can with what you got. Now, as far as step 12 goes, to me, there's 3 parts to step 12. A lot of the the, it begins with having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.

One of the things that, was one of the results of the 5th step that I talked about last week. For me, what that beginning, you know, promises us that we will begin to have a spiritual awakening as a result of doing step 5. And then in step 12, it actually says it in the step. It says having had spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. Now for me, a spiritual awakening for me was a return to having the joy of living back in my life.

For me, that was the most palpable, most calculable result of doing the steps was that I began to have a joy in being alive again. Up until that point, I had been dying. I thought I was getting by pretty good, you know, when I was believed in the lie. I thought I was getting pride pretty well. I was getting on I was getting along okay.

I was doing the best I could with what I had. And what I wanted when I stopped drinking was just to be happy again. That's all I want. I I just want to be happy again. Because I could remember days when I had been happy when I was a child.

I remembered being happy. I remembered being happy, but I hadn't experienced it in such a long time. And because I hadn't experienced being happy and I had experienced so much pain, and I had sealed myself off with booze from feeling anything at all because I was in so much pain. But the only thing I knew how to do was just to seal off everything. I had sealed off the joy too, and nothing could get past that wall that I had built up with boobs.

And, once I worked these steps, I began I had broken down those walls. I had been able finally to start to reconnect with my higher power, and I started to reconnect with who I thought I was and found out quite a bit about myself in process. Some of it was bad, some of it was good, but you know what? I found out that it could be fixed. It could be changed.

I could be changed. I'm not saying I could change me, but I could be changed. And I just had to ask my higher power for the help every day to continue to chip chip away at this, which is what, you know, the 10 step really is is, you know, we continue to chip away and polish, you know, all of these things, you know, like we have these huge growth spurts like in the 5th step and the 9th step. And then the 10th step and the 11th step allow us to continue to like chip away and polish up ourselves and clean it up, you know, and get rid of some more smudges, you know, so that we can clearly reflect that light, you know, because we have to become like, almost like this this vessel or this, it's almost like, I guess, you know, if you think about, you know, one of those old oil lamps and have that glass on the outside. If it's dirty and you light the lamp, it's not like not that much light gets to shine through.

But as we continue to, like, polish that glass, you know, a little more light gets to shine out all the time, you know. And we've always got access to that light. It's just a matter of how much we turn it up, you know, and how much we let come through. And, that's what these steps continue to do for me. So having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.

Now I had a very slow spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. I mean, I read about Bill Wilson's white light light experience. That for me was not my experience. I didn't have, this giant, you know, like, you know, like feeling like somebody knocked me out of my bed, you know, knock down, drag out, you know, here's, you know, here's the answer, you know, and and, you know, go out and save the world kind of thing. That didn't happen for me.

I had more of this, like, kind of gradual slow spiritual awakening as I continued to work the steps. Now, we continue to practice these principles in all our affairs. There's 3 chapters in the big book that contain they talk about how we're gonna do that. And if we follow the instructions in there, there's a lot of instructions about how we need to practice these principles in the workplace with our families and with our spouses, especially, or significant other. Other.

And, the other, and there's a lot a lot of instructions. A lot of it has to do with being loving and tolerant of others, realizing that they are spiritually sick also, being forgiving, continuing to do on a daily basis, you know, 10:11, I have to say, because, if I didn't continue, I mean, there's a lot of people who showed up my inventory and, you know, it's like I have to, you know, it seems like, you know, sometimes I see them and everything's fine. I mean, I'm talking about, you know, close family members. And sometimes I see them and everything's fine. And then the next thing you know, you know, they're just not quite right one day.

And I noticed I'm gritting my teeth. You know, like I had one of these conversations the other day with somebody on the phone and she just kept saying the same thing, you know, I had misunderstood. She had something something she had said and she corrected me once and I said okay. And then she corrected me again and I said okay. And then she said it again and I said okay.

And then she repeated it again repeated it again a different way and I said okay and then she said it again and I said okay and then she repeated it one more time and I said okay. And then she finally said, so now you know what I was talking about. And I said, uh-huh. Yeah. Okay.

And then she dropped it. So, then I was finally able to, you know yeah. I was on my way over to a sponsor's house to go to a picnic over at some some home group members and, house. And I walked into her house and I went, you won't believe what I just went through on the phone. So I think my sponsors learned a lot from my character defects.

But the fact of the matter is that the 10th step, I suppose it was, kept me from actually causing more harm than good in the middle of the conversation because I was able to realize that this is just the way she can. She just has to make her point no matter how many times she has to say it. And I didn't blow up at her at the time. You know, but, you know, what I probably if I if I was probably could have could have done was to go and write a little inventory right then and there. But instead I just did this like verbal little inventory and and, you know, went right through.

And this is one of the gals that, that I'm working with real closely and she's been through the process, so she understands it. So at that point, once once I, you know, one of my gals, gets to that point, I consider them, available to sponsor even if they're they happen to be sponsoring me at the moment. So, I'm perfectly willing to accept their considerations on it was resolved quite nicely that way. But, you know, fact of the matter is that I need to continue to practice these principles in all my affairs. And one of those is to practice love and tolerance and, and that, you know, hopefully, one day I'll be able to do that in such a way that not only won't I act out on the person at the spot, but that it also won't affect me in such a way inside that I then have to bring it to somebody else in inventory.

I think that would be a really good goal, and I guess that's what I'm working towards, you know, is to be able to to get to that point where I really do inside myself, in my that reactionary mode, not have to, have all of that turmoil inside even if I don't act out on the outside, but to also be able to not have that turmoil happen inside too. So, home death. So, you know, check with me in a couple more years. We'll see how we're going on that one. One.

Now, then, of course, there's the whole, thrust of this meeting is to carry this message and that's the, the other part of the 12 step. How do I carry this message? One of the things there's lots of different ways in AA to carry this message. There's a poem that I wanna read right now, and I know a lot of you have probably heard it. It's called I Stand by the Door.

And, the reason I wanna read it, it really, really touched my soul the first time I heard it because to me it was a call for what, I need to be and what I need to do in, Alcoholics Anonymous and as far as carrying this message and how I'm to carry this message. When I first heard it, I immediately thought of a man named Tony. And a lot of the people in this room know Tony. Tony's from this area, Tony w. And, I first met him in Summit and he was standing at the foot of the steps shaking everybody's hands when they walked in the door.

And he always did that. And that particular meeting didn't have, a service commitment called greater. It was just that Tony always as they came in, he assigned himself that duty that night. And he was one of the first men that I can remember hearing talk about, you know, because this this particular meeting is a a 5:30 meeting on in Summit and I used to go to it every night at 5:30 because that's where I went instead of going to the bar my first couple my first 2 years sober. It was a smoking meeting if you remember them.

And, one night of the week was a big book meeting, and that was the only night that I would ever see Tony at this meeting. And he came with his friend, Walt, who subsequently sold me a car, a great car. I'm still driving it. I found out that was his brother-in-law, but, when, I asked my current sponsor to sponsor me, we found out that we had something in common. And that was that, the very first night that she walked into her very first AA meeting, Tony was the greeter at the door.

And he and, his wife is my grand sponsor. Tony passed away recently. So I'm gonna read the poem now because to me it's the essence of 12 Step Work. It's written by a man whose name is Sam Shoemaker. Sam Shoemaker was one of the great clerical benefactors of Alcoholics Anonymous, because when Bill Wilson came back to New York and started attending Oxford Group meetings once again, it was in the basement or one of the buildings of Sam Shoemaker's church that the Oxford Group met.

And I was so touched by this poem when I first heard it that I went out to Amazon and ordered one of these copies of the book that his wife wrote about his life and it's in it's not in print anymore, so they went searching the used book for me. So I'll read it. I Stand by the Door by Samuel Moore Shoemaker. I stand by the door. I neither go too far in nor stay too far out.

The door is the most important door in the world. It is the door through which men walk when they find God. There's no use my way my going way inside and staying there when so many are still outside and they, as much as I, crave to know where the door is and all that so many ever find is only the wall where a door ought to be. They creep along the wall like blind men with outstretched groping hands, feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door, yet they never find it. So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world is for men to find that door, the door to God. The most important thing any man can do is to take hold of one of those blind groping hands and put it on the latch, the latch that only clicks and opens to the man's own touch. Men die outside that door as starving beggars die on cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter, die for want of what is within their grasp. They live on the other side of it, live because they have not found it. Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it and open it and walk in and find him.