Steps 6, 7, 8 and 9 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

Hi, everyone. My name is Joanne, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm really grateful to be here and I'm really grateful to be sober. I brought the chocolate cake tonight because I just want to read an excerpt from the book. It's on page 134.

It begins at the top of the page. Should constantly have chocolate available. For its quick energy value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally in the night, a vague craving arose which could only be satisfied by candy. Many of us have noticed the tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.

You'll make amends to the OA's later. Says alcohol synonymous. My sober date is May 11, 94. I just like spaced it there for a second. And for that I am extremely grateful.

And I know that I was, separated from alcohol for the last time, that day. As long as I continue to practice the principles in this program and do as I'm told, the promises and for me it's been fulfilled to this stage, much to my complete drink again. I talked briefly in the previous weeks about, my how I know I'm an alcoholic. And it kind of boils down to 2 simple things. At the beginning of the chapter, We Agnostics, it asks 2 simple questions.

And one of them is if when drinking you find you have little control over the amount you take. And for me that was pretty true. And looking back over my drinking career as I like to call it, there were many times when I thought I had control but I didn't, and for me that was the crux of the matter. I thought I just drank because I liked it. I thought I drank because, I got that really great get up and go, gotta go out there, gotta love the world, got the world by the tail kind of feeling from booze.

And I thought everybody got that. It was when people started saying to me, things like, You really ought to slow down. What are you doing, what's going on with you, maybe you should, you know, knock it off for a while. But I start started realizing that other people in this world weren't having the same experience with booze that I was. I love booze.

And that's why I thought I drank so much. The other thing was, in diagnostics it asks another question, and it says, you know, if, when you want to stop you find you can't stay stopped essentially is the question. And for me I found that was pretty true, too. Even though I would swear off when I had a really bad hangover, it usually wouldn't last more than a week at a time. Even though there was a period of time when I was working full time and I was going to school full time and I was changing careers, that I didn't drink for a period of about 6 months.

Immediately, on picking up the bottle one one more time and having a drink. Of course, I bought myself a, quart of vodka, you know. I didn't like go and buy a bottle of wine or something. I knew from my, my own personal history what it would take to get to where I want to go that night. And even though I hadn't had a drink in 6 months, I knew I deserved it, you know, because I had, you know, completed this course.

I had secured a job in my new career and, I was actively working in that career and I knew that I deserved that drink. So I went out and bought myself a bottle of vodka and proceeded to drink the whole thing. I got real worried when I came out of the brownout that I had gone into midway through the bottle and realized there was only about an inch or 2 left in the bottom because I didn't really know what time it was when I came out of that, blackout and I wasn't sure if the liquor stores were still open because I knew I was going to need some more because I had come out of the blackout. Basically the only 2 things that ever were successfully, could, you know, separate me from alcohol were, unconsciousness or threat of arrest, you know, or actual arrest. You know, I knew enough when I was out at a bar.

Generally, I knew enough to stop in, you know, so that I was relatively okay to drive home. You know, there were times that the police thought differently when they pulled me over. You know, these kinds of things lead us into the rooms. Lucky for us. It's when you know we get those kind of rude awakenings that we realize that yeah you know there really might be something going on here.

You know I don't really think the problem is alcohol, but you know I'm really not happy so maybe I ought to start talking to somebody about something. And that's what happened for me. So even though I was able to stop for brief periods of time, I always went back and when I did go back I was drank out of control. Well, not always drank out of control. The other another question that I often ask, people because I when I start to work with them because I found it very, enlightening for myself was, I could control it or I could enjoy it.

You know, I couldn't do both, you know. So those are really basically the questions for me that brought me to the fact that I am an alcoholic. Now what was I going to do about that? In step 2, I was given essentially the answer. You know, our book talks about there is a solution and the solution really for us as alcoholics is a spiritual one.

We heal spiritually from the inside and then on to the outside, you know, and then mentally and then physically. I didn't quite get that, because you know I was in a rehab and I had been separated from alcohol, for a brief period of time. Now, I was severely addicted to alcohol when I came into the rooms, or when I went to that rehab. I shook for a period of several months afterwards to the point where I wouldn't get a cup of coffee and a meeting because my pride wouldn't let me let you see me shake and possibly spill it. So, for me I thought that I needed to heal physically, but what happened was the program Alcoholics Anonymous started to work on me on the inside.

And as it started to work on me on my insides, I started to realize that, as I start to heal on the inside the stuff on the outside wasn't so bad after all. Amazing, Amazing, you know? It's just amazing, you know? After doing, step 2, what happened for me with step 2 was I had to really get over my prejudices against my concept of God. Our book, our program uses the word God for higher power.

For me I call God God because that's what he is. I was, you know, I was raised with that name, you know, much like I would call, you know, Sarah Sarah and Mike Mike. I mean, they're their given names and for me God's name is God, so that's that. And, but today what I believe about God, I can't describe it to you. If I tried to describe it to you, it would just limit it.

But I can tell you that it's not the concept I had when I was 4, and it's definitely not the concept I had when I was 12. It's definitely not the concept I had when I was 20. It's definitely not the concept I had when I was 30 7a half before I got here because you know at that point I really thought that God was doing all this just to spite me, you know, because, you know, John spoke eloquently earlier about, you know, doing our resentments list and and talking about our grudges. And I had this like tremendous grudge against God because I thought you know he was punishing me with this this this, sickness that I had. You know and I knew I was sick.

I knew when I got here I really just felt like I had lost my soul, and that's exactly where I was. And that was my realization, you know, that the beginning of this and the promise for me that this was an inside job, that it was going to that was going to heal on the inside out. That's where it really really was important to me, that promise, you know, that I could heal on the inside because I couldn't figure out what happened. Where did I go? Where was I?

I couldn't find me anymore, you know? I knew all these things I was trying to be and that I was trying to look like and I was trying to act like and I was trying to perform up to, you know, in the business world, but I just didn't know where I was anymore. And that's one of the wonderful benefits of this program is that's what I'm starting to find. You know and I'll say I'm starting to find because one of the great things about this is that it gets better all the time. You know, I keep finding out more and more and I keep coming.

You know, it's a great reason to keep coming, you know, because there's still more for me here. I keep finding that out even when I get into little parts where I know a lot of people talk about this. We go through leaps and bounds in our recovery especially you know like the 5th step is like a giant huge shot. It's like for me that was like the hugest god shot, you know, of a wall. And I just wanted to read, because these are really important promises for me.

And on page 75 it talks about the Step 5 benefits. One of these reasons that I like to point these out when I work with women is because, one of the things one of the statements that really struck me in the beginning was somebody said, you know, you can't scare an alcoholic with hell because we've already been there and we're we're back, you know. So, you know, to put that a little bit more mildly, you know, as I work through the steps personally, one of the things that I have to remember is that I can't keep my eye on what's going to happen me if I don't because that stuff doesn't really scare me. But you know what I like to keep my eye on? I like to keep my eye on what will happen if I do.

You know why? Because it's true. You know, the stuff that they say is gonna happen for you, there are sweet dollars. You know, and I was like shocked when it started to happen because I didn't even know like half the time I didn't even know that that was part of what everybody else happened for everybody else because they didn't necessarily tell you, you know, all the stuff that happened. So, these things that happened after I did my 5th step, were just so important for me.

And it says once we have taken this step with holding nothing, we are delighted. That was so true for me. We can look the world in the eye. Now that was the first time I could do that in a really long time. You know, we can be alone at perfect peace and ease.

And I talked quite a bit about this last week because this one for me was the first one that I could really physically feel. Being able to sit alone in my apartment without the radio on, without the stereo on, without the computer on, without the TV on, not talking on the telephone, you know, not having that feeling like I got to rush out and run and find something to do with myself, you know, because there's always something better where I'm not. You know, I'm not all I'm never and to be alone at perfect peace and ease and just to be okay in me oh man, that was big. You know, our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator.

We may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. Like, it's like happening for me now, you know. I heard all you talking about it but now it was happening for me, to me, in me. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.

And I also felt like I was finally really truly a part of this thing, this Alcoholics Anonymous thing, you know. Like I was finally starting to, you know, get in the sling, you know, once I had done my sit step. So that's kind of a brief review. As far as, 6, 7, 8, 9, one of the things that I, find really, really important in step 4 because step 4 really kinda lays the groundwork. It for me, it lays the groundwork and it kinda prepares me for everything else, because that's the beginning of me actually, you know, writing stuff down, looking at it truthfully with God at my side.

You know, and this is my newfound concept of God. And the only thing I can say is, you know, and you you can think of it however you want to, but if you could just think of what it would be like, what the best friend you could ever have would be like. You know? Like, if you can use that. If you're looking for what you need to think of as God.

That worked for me in the beginning and it still works for me. You know, because as I grow and as I learn and as I become more open to people that concept for me continues to grow also. So, you know with this Friends with a capital F at my side, I found that, there's a couple of things that happened between, the 3rd column and the 4th column. Because in our instruction book, this little blue book called Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about, after you've done the 3rd column and you've looked at, you know, what who these people are, institutions, principles, what they did, and how it affected me. Now we begin to look at the other side of the coin.

And in preparation for that, one of the things we do is we pray for those people mostly, and we try try to forgive them. Now sometimes, this is a long process. You know, and one of the things that I have found when I'm doing inventory is that I really don't see the truth in the next column as far as what my part is in it until I can forgive. Okay? One of my favorite speakers is Marianne Williamson, of Course in Miracles.

And one of the things she says is, you know, we hang up we gotta forgive them, but that doesn't mean we have to do lunch. Okay? So you can keep that in mind, you know. Just because you forgive them doesn't mean that you have to get to a point where, you know, you want to be best friends again necessarily, okay? But that's where we're at at this point in the inventory.

And so for me, that's a really important part of this process is actually doing that work, which has to be done between the bright ink here. There's a lot of work that has to be done and it may take a long time for, me to come to terms with the fact that, you know, I have to forgive that person for all this stuff they did to me and how dare they. And so that I can clearly see what my part was. And then of course, in the 4th column we do finally see our part. What I had done, done, what was the true nature.

And usually for me, a lot of it has to do with what I either did or what I expected or what I wanted to happen or and how I try to get that to happen. And those are like kind of the things that I have to look at in that 4th column because, generally I will do anything I can to try to manipulate any situation to achieve what my goal is in that situation. You know, I'm pretty goal oriented person and, there's, you know, generally, I kind of know how I think things ought to what to turn out. You know, what would be best? So, those are the kind of things that I actually do write down.

So what happens is, the praying and the forgiving really between the 3rd column. After after you do the 3rd column, that prayer that happens, and the instructions are for it are in like the 2 or 3 pages that follow that little grid in the book. There's a couple paragraphs that talk about, you know, all the things that we need to think about and the prayers we can use to achieve that. That really is our preparation for steps 89 becoming willing to make the amend because we're never going to be willing to make an amend to a person until we forgive them. And that forgiveness actually happens after we write that 3rd column, or else we're not going to see the 4th column clearly.

And then what we need to look at and what we want to change for 6 and 7 comes from what we write in the call the 4th column. That's what I find happens for me. When I do inventory, I find that, after completing the 5th step and talking it over with my sponsor, it's really important for me, to immediately come to terms. You know, there's there's, it suggests in the book that we take 1 hour, and that's like the only time in the instructions that it actually tells you to take any space of rest, I think, at all. Otherwise, it usually says immediately, now, without delay, you know, things like that.

I don't think it ever says anything like wait another year. Give yourself some time to justify it all again. You know, which is which is what what my mind will do with it, you know. So it's important for me, after that hour, you know, to then go and, to immediately become willing to have these causes, conditions, these wrongs, these, the nature of my wrongs, all of my character defects removed. And, our program suggests that you know, being filled with all these character defects we obviously can't rid ourselves of them.

We don't have the power to do it. So, it suggests that we merely say a prayer and ask God to do it. If we do this with a truly open heart, we can be immediately white as snow. Okay? And that'll last for about a minute.

Because, you know, then my sponsor will be like, well, I gotta go because, you know, I've I gotta walk the dog, you know, and my husband's been waiting for me and I'm like, you know. But there was still some stuff I wanted to talk about, you know. Like, I didn't get to talk about myself for 2 days already. So anyway, so what I need to do at this point is, and I forgot to bring something with me. I don't think I have one in.

Do you have one of those little cards with you, Michael? Oh, Mike and Bill had made up these little cards. And basically on one side were all the character defects that are listed in, yeah, in in the big book and 12 and 12. Here it is. It's in my big book, my big big book, the big print big book.

And I use this little card. Mike has about 5,000 of them. See him later. Bill. Bill has about 5,000 of them.

Mike can get hold of them. But, and basically it it was suggested at one of the big book studies these guys did that, you know, in our daily meditation the big the big book from, I think it's page, 84 where it says this brings us to step 10. And I read that through page 88 as a morning meditation in prayer form. You know, like where it says, you know, like, we want the vision of God's will into all our activities. I'll say, Dear God, please give me the vision of your will in all of my activities.

Like I'll say all of it as a prayer and I'll like where it says ask, I'll say, Please God. And it's also suggested that you know, where there are certain places where it says, you know, we try not to be self seeking or dishonest. You know, it goes through those kind of characteristics. I use this card and I say, Dear God, please help me to be and I read what's written on this card which are the opposite of the character defects. And the character defects, are all of the character defects that are specifically noted in the big book for the 12 and 12.

I'm pretty sure. And, I'll just say, Dear God, please help me to be, more interested in others. Help me to be more honest. Help me to have courage and faith. And I pray for all of these good things because, I've been taught that that nature, of course, is a vacuum.

And anytime that, I ask for something to be removed, something will come in its place. Now, that's why I pray for these good things. I pray and it also helps to remind me, that these are the things that I want to be during the day. You know, as it says, in our fear inventory it talks about we pray for God to show us what he'd like us to be. So I pray for God to show me to be these things and it helps me to if I start my day with these.

And then sometimes every day like I have one of these, you know, in my car and I'll just, you know, just read it, you know, like when I'm like really having a bad like if I just had like an interchange with somebody that I just feel a little bit ick about, you know. I talk to you guys about the ick, you know. And sometimes, you know, you just feel a little icky inside after you have an interchange with somebody and I don't really know if it was them or it was me or it's just the way I'm to it or whatever. And I'll read the cards and I try to try to pray, you know, that I'll have compassion towards other people, that I can be loving and tolerant, you know, even if I don't agree with them. One of the things that, I think there was a whole lecture on this when I was rehab, and it was about, you know, the other fella's right to be wrong.

You know? Like, I don't have to make him right, like, because I'm right. You know? I don't have to make him agree with me. You know?

He's got a right to be wrong. You know? Let him be wrong. So that's one of the things that, you know, I have to remember, you know, and it's really hard for me to remember these things, you know, because it's really easy for me to slip back into my old behaviors and I don't want to. Because I really didn't, you know, like, I love doing amends.

I loved the effect afterwards, but I hate the before part. So I can if I can avoid that, you know, on any given day, that's a good day. You know? So, that's pretty much how, I deal with 6 and 7. It's pretty simple and it's pretty straightforward and, I really like that John talked about the absolutes.

One of the things that I've been taught, and I'll talk about this next week also, is in prayer and meditation and looking at my thoughts and what my plans are for the day and testing it against the 4 absolutes to see how, they stack up against absolute honesty, absolute purity, absolute love, absolute unselfishness, absolute faith. You know, because if there's something that I don't want to do it's it's usually, you know, and and I feel like I should do it. It's generally because I'm fearful, because I'm I have lack of faith, or because I'm just thinking about myself. And I think I know better, you know. And that's usually what it means when, there's something that really is the right thing to do, but for some reason I just don't want to do it.

So I have to look at that too. In 89, naturally, you know, we have to become willing to go and make these amends. And, how do you know when you're willing? You know? I've heard it said that you know you're willing when you find yourself knocking on the door, you know, to actually go to the appointment you made after you made the phone call.

You know, it's like, you know, the hallway. It's like it's so easy for us to bawk. Once again, I have to go back to what I said earlier. The reason why that came up for me this week in meditation was because I was thinking about what was I going to say about amends. And I really have to look at what the benefits are and I can't look at, you know, what might happen to me if I don't.

You know, I've heard of like sponsors that'll come and slam a bottle of bourbon in front of you and say, you know, either make this amend or drink this, you know, and that kind of stuff. And you know what? I'm not gonna drink it and I'm not gonna make any amend either. So bear, Nobody could really make me do anything. Certainly not a sponsor.

And I'm very fortunate because I think my sponsor knew that. So, she's always been a carrot person rather than a stick person. You know, she'll lure me with the benefits rather than scaring me with the punishment, you know, because, you know, the punishment is just, you know, it's there, done that, you know. I survived. You can't hurt me.

You know, it's just like, you know, that's not going to break down my walls because you know what these walls are strong, they're tough, they've been here for a long time, and I paid a lot of money for them at that liquor store. So, you know, it's just not gonna scare me, you know. Punishment doesn't scare me, but you know, what does work though is seeing the benefits. And for me, you know, I can tell you some stories about some of my amends. There were a couple.

Well, let's see. I could start with, when I first got out of, rehab, I did my 1st 4th and 5th step for a quick review when I was in rehab the last time. I did 67, and I came out, doing my meds. I was 22, 23 days sober at that point. I wasn't really good at it, You know, but hey, you know practice makes perfect, right?

I've had a little practice since then. You know, I don't know if it gets all that much easier, but you know, you know now I've got like this whole message, like I write up this card and I write my name at the top and I write the phone number and I have to write a plus or a minus. Am I willing or not? I mean, you know, there's all these instructions, you know, it depends on what you want to do. But the fact of the matter is you just got to do it, you know.

However you do it, you just got to do it. And the things you got to remember is are you there because you genuinely in your heart want to set the situation right? Because really, let me see here. What's it saying? I don't have this book here.

It says, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, not whenever, except to do when to do so would injure them or others. Now it doesn't say if it's going to injure me, that I shouldn't do it. You know, I've heard that quite often. You know, but, I'll start with let's see. Well, there was this guy.

Okay. We'll start with my ex employer. His name was Bob. This man spent the better part of, 2 years of his life chasing me around, following me around, writing down everything I did because I was working for a major health insurance company in New Jersey. And they had a very corporate, very unionized shop where everything had to be documented before you get rid of anybody.

Okay. Now I was in the habit of going out to lunch. And I had a group of people, that I would go out with. You know, it was like one of those deals where, you know, I would walk in the door and, you know, like at 12:05 and my drink was on the bar before I was at the bar. So, anyway, so this poor man who is very talented, who was on his way up in the corporate structure, had to spend 2 years of his life documenting my antics.

You know? What a waste. You know what I mean? What a waste of good talent, you know. And, you know, after I got out of rehab, I was probably, I don't know, a week or two sober, and, I gave him a call and, I had gotten fired from this job by the way.

By the way. Because when I went back into rehab for the second time, what had happened while I was gone was that there had been an outsourcing to another major company, a major information systems company. And, they had outsourced my whole whole department and, they ended up letting 1 third of the staff go. Now, there's I know why they let me go. You know, a lot of people do get the shift and I feel bad for them, but I do feel that in my case they were quite justified.

And, this man retained his job and he, was concerned about me. He cared about me, you know, he really did, you know. And, he wished the best for me. And when I went to make amends with him I went over his house and, you know, because I called him on the phone and I said I'd like to speak with you and I called him and I got his home phone number. I called him at home and I made an appointment to go and see him.

And, we went out and we, you know, got some lunch and went back to his home and he had a beautiful home and we sat and we talked. And he was really very kind and very gentle and, you know, I just expressed with him, you know how much I regretted the fact that you know he had to do all this stuff because he certainly didn't want to do it, he certainly didn't need to do it, and he certainly didn't deserve to have to do all this stuff that he had to do. And it was all because of what I was doing. And, you know, the way the corporations are structured, that's what had to be done, you know, because they knew they had to figure out the way to best document the case so I didn't come back and sue them, them. So, I did the best I could to, you know, to talk with him that day and he basically, you know, said, well, there's nothing that you need to do, you know, to set the situation right.

I really just wish you well. You know, and for me that was really quite a blessing. You know, The fact that, I was able to to see that, you know, what he had done for me really was the hand of God, you know, and I need to see that in in all my affairs is how the hand of God works for me and to be grateful for it regardless of how I might feel about it at the moment or how I might think the situation should be. You know it really was the hand of God because that's when I got sober. And another person that I, immediately, began to make amends to was my ex husband.

Well he was he was my husband then. I was still married to him. This man was really hard for me to say. He and I were the best drinking partners I had ever. He was the best drinking partner I ever had.

We drank really well together. The one thing we did really well together. The fact of the matter is, however, that he was very abusive verbally and physically. And although he had started to get sober, at least 2 years prior to this day in May, when I went back into rehab. He never could quite get it.

He went in and out and in and out and in and out of rehab after rehab after rehab because I had really good insurance. He wasn't working. And so, you know, I one of the things I had to begin to, forgive him for what he had done to me, but at the same time realize that, the situation wasn't going to get any better the way it was. One of the first things that I did for him was to get a restraining order. He was in, when I went into rehab he went into rehab and, he was supposed to be in there.

It's a long term rehab where you're supposed to stay there at least like you sign this paper that you're supposed to stay for at least 90 days. And his counselor talked to my counselor, and they found out that as soon as I had left my rehab, he was like planning his escape. So one of the first things that I did for him even though I didn't speak to him and this was the beginning of amendment to him was to finally get a restraining order so that he knew that he couldn't come back to my house and continue what he had been doing. He needed to stay where he was so he could begin to get better. To my knowledge today he is sober.

After he got out of rehab, even though it was breaking the restraining order, I did meet with him and, at that point he was having a little difficulty staying sober for long periods of time. But during his slivers of sobriety, I did make, a formal verbal amends to him and then I took care of, what I consider to be my financial amend, with him and that was to basically take care of paperwork for his corporate bankruptcy as well as personal bankruptcy because he had run his business into the ground well, below the ground by about a quarter of $1,000,000. And, because of the way he had structured the corporation, I was involved in that too. So, that had to be straightened out. And I took care of all that.

I paid for all lawyers. I paid for everything because I knew that, he wasn't capable of doing that at that point. He couldn't either, he couldn't face it was what he said. He just, you know, he just couldn't admit to himself or to anybody else that he had been that much of a failure. And I think that was one of the reasons why just couldn't stay sober.

Well, that was one of his reasons. You know, how we have our reasons. And, I continue to take care of that. I actually made another formal amend to him the morning that I picked him up from the VA. He was in another rehab, and I just sat down and I made, my final verbal formal amends with him, the morning that I took him with me to bankruptcy court.

But, I understand since then he has gone sober and for that I'm very grateful and I pray that he does stay sober. However, to my knowledge he does not know where I live now. And the restraining order went into the divorce decree too. So, now let's see. Those to me were like really tough amends to make because that was the beginning for me.

And they were really big ones, too. And they were really involved and there was a lot to them because it's always really hard I think, when, you know, as my sponsor likes to say, Back in the beginning, my sponsor tells this story, and I really like it, because it kind of illustrates for me what my thinking was even though it wasn't exactly how I was thinking. But it does illustrate for me the essence of it. And the essence of it is this: you know, even though I might forgive the person for what they did, you know, and then I might see my part in it. You know, sometimes you all have this kind of like thinking about, you know, well, you know, if I kind of look at the whole situation and kind of break it up into fractions, you know, maybe like, you know, 2 thirds of the stuff they did wrong and only like a third of the stuff I did wrong.

So do I really have to go to them and talk to them? Because after all, don't they owe me and amend too? So the problem is, though, that I really don't know what they're thinking. I don't know what they have to live with. But you know what?

I have to live with what I have to live with. And I have to live with that 3rd. And it's my 3rd. And that's the essence of that, you know, ick that's still there when we take the alcohol away, you know. And if I don't get rid of the things that cause me to feel regret, to feel guilt, to feel remorse, even to feel, you know, complete depression over.

You're like, oh my god how could I have done that kind of stuff and look at what a horrible person I am. If I can't go to that person you know I have got to go to that person because you eventually, someday it's gonna come back to bite me. And you know oftentimes, you know, I know alcoholics you know, say in the room sometimes, you know, like it's not the big things that get us, it's the little things. But, you know, sometimes it's just because we don't give the big things enough credit, you know. And those are the big things, you know.

Those things that we have on our inventory that we look at and we see. You know, you know that relationship may never be right. I may never do lunch with that person again. But the fact of the matter is that they deserve for me to come to them and to talk to them and say, I regret that I acted this way. Okay?

Regardless of whether or not they remember it and they also deserve to have their day in court whatever that may be, you know, so to speak, you know, for me to say. Is there something that I don't remember? Is there something that I haven't mentioned? Would you like to tell me how you feel about it? Is there anything I can do to set it right?

You know? And barring, things like my husband saying, well, you know, let's move back in together. I have to do what I, you know, the best I can to set the situation now, I made amends to, each of my sisters. My sister Gail is the first one I made amends with. And when I went to make amends with her, there were a lot of things What she had done to me when I was a kid, you know.

And sometimes the men's go that way, you know, where, you know, I would say, you know, I said, you know, this is what I did. I lied to you about this. I conned you about this. I used you for this and, you know, I need to set the situation right. And, there were specific actions that I had to do to set the situation right.

And then I said, Is there anything you'd like to say? Anything you want to tell me? And she started to say, Well, you know Joanne when we were little children because both my sisters were older I started resent you even before you were born. You know? That's where it started.

She needed to tell me these things. Now, the fact of the matter is that in a close relationship like that I mean this is somebody that I'm gonna have lunch with a lot. I'm gonna have Easter supper with her. I'm gonna have Christmas morning with her. I'm gonna have Christmas Eve church with her.

You know, this is somebody that I'm gonna see on a regular basis for the rest of my life. And, it's funny because you know I look back at it now and I can remember the first couple years that I was sober and every time the topic would come up about amends in a meeting, you know, I would always think about her because she was the one person who just wouldn't let it die. She just, you know, all of a sudden, she just remember something else that I did. And that's her little tone of voice right there too. And you know Joanne, do you remember?

And then she would go on and I have to listen to it. And I need to look at her and I need to, you know, I've learned in Buddhism to practice Tonglen, which is a breathing exercise. I use it a lot around my family. But, you know, you know, our book tells us that, you know, we need to practice love and tolerance in all our affairs. You know, we need to look, you know, love and tolerance is our code, it says.

You know, that's what we have to do all day long every day and especially with our family. You know, because somehow they just know how to get you, you know. And, my sister Gail just, and she's such an untreated codependent. You know? Not that we judge.

Forget Miguel when you hear this tape. So, one of the things that I really have to I mean, it's it's it's amazing to me that as I go through inventory that there's certain people who pop up over and over and over again. And being an orphan, I don't know if anybody remembers last week, being an orphan, for me it's my older sisters, especially my sister Gail, because she was closer to me in age and we had a closer relationship. And, you know, for me, every time I do inventory it just amazes me how, she continuously, fall short of my expectations. Now who's that on?

Me. Me. So, you know, it's that's what I that's the kind of stuff that I have to look at. And the beauty of this is that I can do that, you know, on a more moment to moment basis. You know, that kind of stuff doesn't really build up that much anymore.

And you know the fact of the matter is I don't mean that to her expectations all the time either. And you know what? She really lets me have it. You know? There was one Christmas where, she put a lot of thought and effort into my Christmas gifts and I just wasn't excited enough when I opened them.

So about 10 days after Christmas, I got the phone call where, you know, she just kinda, you know, let me have it. And it went on for about a half an hour and, you know, my boyfriend was at my house at the time. And, one of the things that I need to do is just let her rant today because she doesn't have this program, you know. And you know what? It amazes me how much better she's gotten the more I've done inventory.