Area 41 Nebraska State Reunion in Grand Island, NE

Hi, my name is Bonnie Allen, and I am a grateful member of Al Anon. And it's just great to be in Nebraska. I just have so many friends here, old friends, and I'm sure some new friends. It's just great to see everybody. There comes a friend coming down the aisle now.

It's great to be here. I just, first of all, I wanna thank, Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it's I'm really so grateful that you include Al Anon. And to have an Al Anon speaker on Friday and to have 2 Al Anon speakers, that's really terrific. So I you know, another great Al Anon pal of mine who's passed away, Blanche.

She always said, you were which I totally agree. You graciously shared the disease with us. Thank you so much for sharing the recovery with us. So thanks for letting us be here. And we're all on the same team, really.

I think sometimes there's these 2 camps, AA and Al Anon. But, you know, Al Anon are just we're just people who love alcoholics. You know? And, I can't think of a place I'd rather be. So thank you so much.

We drove we flew in last night and then we drove. And, you know, the neat thing, I think, after a number of years in the program oh, I wanted to say I always I've had 28 continuous years of serenity since April 30, 1974. But thank you. I always get to say that. It hasn't been continuous.

If you believe that, then you better keep coming back. But we drove in, and, you know, some things get better and some things just don't change. I hate to tell you that after a certain amount of years in the program because we were driving along, and and we really didn't have the directions how to get here, or I didn't think we have the directions. Right? And so I said to Sean, maybe we should stop at a gas station and find out what exit we're supposed to go off.

And he said, no, no, it's Grand Island. How big can it be? There's only so we went past one exit, 318. I said we should have gotten off there. And he said, no because I got this brochure.

Well, I was at the hotel last night, and I got a brochure at Grand Island because I didn't trust him about where we were going. So it said get off 3:12. So I knew we were okay. So we got to 312. So we have you know, I said, well, maybe we should stop.

I don't know where the hotel is. We don't know where Ramada Street is. Did you ask anybody, Sean? No. But it's gotta be here somewhere.

You know? So I thought, you know, this is what it used to be like. You know? Should we stop at the restroom? No.

And, you know, then I realized see, and this is where I've changed. I was driving. We could have stopped at the you know, we could have stopped at any gas station. Anyway, but you see, I would have never known I had that choice. And then just when I realized that I was driving the car that we saw the sign for the Riverside Inn.

So some things get better and some things remain the same. You know? So, you know, the other, I think, wonderful thing is she's just having a sense of humor about each other. It took us a long time. And I think it took me a long time to have a sense of humor about myself, you know, because when I came into Al Anon, I was perfect.

You know, I was absolutely perfect. And and the reason being that if I wasn't perfect, I was worthless is really what it would be. And, and now I can have a sense of humor about my defects of character, and I know that's a lot of it's just who I am too. You know? And it's perfectly alright.

And a lot of it is who Sean is, who the alcoholic is. And some of that is never gonna change. Right? And I've learned to accept that too and have a sense of humor about each other. So, yeah, I've grown because, you know, I I take yoga class regularly.

And at the end of my yoga class, there's a rest period where it's quiet as can be and you can hear a pin drop and it just sort of relax and go into meditation. And I coughed and I coughed so loud. But what happened is now that I'm over 50, when I cough I don't know if anybody else have this problem. But when I cough, I fart, you know. And, I don't know if anyway, it was like the fart that was heard around the world.

You know? And I started laughing so hard that I had to leave I had to leave the room and sort of compose myself. Anyway, when I got home that night because there's another Al Anon buddy of mine who takes yoga and I said, did you hear somebody cough and fart? And and she said, yes. Wasn't that unbelievable?

She said, I didn't know where that came from. And I said, well, that was me. And so any, you know, I would never let anybody know that before. You know? So, anyway, I'm glad to be here.

I was raised in a typical alcoholic home, very normal alcoholic home in Cleveland, Ohio where the first AA meeting actually was. And I was raised in a very old world Polish Catholic home, and my father liked to drink. My father owned a bar. And, and I adored my father and couldn't stand my mother. And that's really the way it was.

I always sort of understood my dad, but what was her problem? You know? It's really easy to, I think, explain the alcoholic, but how do you explain the alanine? You know? They just get drunk.

You sort of know what they do, but what is the problem? And, so that's really the way it was. I adored my father. I sort of knew he got drunk, smashed up cars, did all those things. And, but I didn't know what her problem was.

And she taught me a lot of things that I did. I learned. I was a good alanon in training is what I was. You know, when my mom stood out the window waiting for my dad to come home in the middle of the night, you know, worried in her chenille little robe. I was there next to her in my little chenille robe looking out the window waiting for my father to get home.

If he'd get home safe, if he smashed up a car. And, you know, and then, of course, as soon as we saw him, we'd run to our respective beds and pretend we were asleep. And relieved he was home and really angry that he was drunk again. And, I learned all those things. I learned not to, I think I really learned not to believe what I saw, what was in front of me.

My perception. Not to my perception is totally warped. It really is. And it carried me. You know, it's like my father would come home in a police car or smash up a car, and nothing was said the next day.

And you'd start thinking, did it really happen? You know? I remember when Sean was drinking and we the 2 of us up in our house in the Hollywood Hills. And he would have a bottle of wine. And I would say to Sean, you drank that whole bottle of wine.

And he would say, I did not. And I would think, well, I wonder who did. I mean, I know I didn't drink it, but, you know, you start losing it. I mean, I started looking at this plant, and then I was sitting here and realized there's a fish in there. And I thought, is there really a fish in there?

Anyway, my perception is still I still need to run the past in Al Anon because I still don't trust what I always see. So anyway, so there I was in Cleveland, Ohio. I was raised I'm a recovering Catholic, and that's just my perception. I'm really working through my I I really you know, I still have a tinge. I must say all this Catholic, controversy sort of feels a little good, but I try and let go of it, because it feeds my resentment.

And, but anyway, it wasn't it was just my interpretation. And, so I have these nuns. I have this father who drank. I have this mother who I couldn't stand. And, and my mother sent me to ballet class, and thank goodness that's where I got my relief.

And I just sort of everything was fine at the ballet. And I didn't have to worry about the arguments going on and, and my crazy family and, and the secrets. You know, everything was a secret in my house, and I was a stutterer for years. Even stuttered in school. And that I'm up here speaking is is really a miracle, the program, because everything is a secret in our house, and everything was a secret, and everything still is a secret.

When I go to visit my mom, who is 91, she'll say, now call your aunt Sophie and tell her you came in on Tuesday. Don't tell her you came in on Sunday. And, don't tell her we ate at Denny's. Tell her we ate at Wendy's. And everything is a secret.

And, so no matter what I said, I was terrified because it was always the wrong thing, you know, always, because everything was a secret. And it's still I talked to my mom today. I talked to her just about every day. And, you know, she's the secrets continue. And that's just part of alcoholism.

She can't let anybody know about anything. Anyway, I knew I had to get out of that house. And, the only way I always say a Polish Catholic girl leaves Cleveland in those days, over 30 some years ago is I had a plan to move to New York to follow my career. And in my heart, I was I knew I was leaving forever. Even though I told my mother I was going for 3 months just to give my dancing career a try.

And so I packed my bags and they gave me $50, and I thought I'm leaving all my problems behind me. And, I'm leaving my mother, my father, the drinking, the craziness. And, and little did I know is that when I packed that bag, I packed all my problems and took them with me. And I moved to New York City, and and I always say I was always this scared little catholic girl from Cleveland, and there I was in New York. I didn't know anybody who wasn't Polish till I moved to New York, really.

So it was quite quite an eye opening. And I and every time I really got afraid and scared, I call my mother and she would give me this update on what's happening, and I just knew. I knew I couldn't go back. I knew I couldn't go back to that. My mother just talked at a pitch and she screamed all the time.

And I knew I had to, I had to tough it out. And I got some jobs doing some shows, and it was beyond my wildest dreams. There I was in New York, doing shows, dancing. My real passion that I absolutely loved. And at one of these shows, in walked this, tall, charming Irishman, And he was just adorable.

Now I tell you before it was really critical. Before I moved away from Cleveland, I knew I had to get away. And my parents had one of those particularly awful fights that I remember everything about. I remember where I was standing in my mother's dining room, what I was wearing. I remember everything about the moment and my father came home drunk and was getting really physically violent with my mother.

And I knew that I had to get out of there and I promised myself that I would never go out with or marry anybody who drank. So there I was in New York, and there was this tall, charming Irishman who was the life of the party who drank. And I don't know what happened to that promise, but I just knew that life with me with me would be so wonderful, that I would love him so much that the drinking would go away. And I very much drank myself. I was very much a 10 martini, what the hell girl, which my daughter seems to be now too.

But, anyway, so the drinking was not a problem. It was just I had this great looking guy on my arm. We were in New York. It was exciting. It was glamorous.

I was doing something I absolutely adored. And, and so he drank a little. You know? I just knew with me, once we got married, everything would be fine. And so we traveled.

We were on tour, and the last stop was Los Angeles. And, and we decided to get married there. And, I was gonna get married in Cleveland, but my mother hunted me down, god forbid, in those days. She found out because we have played Cleveland with the show and the next stop was Chicago. My mother hunted me down in Chicago.

She called every hotel and found out, God forbid, that we were living together. That was not terribly 30 some years ago for a little Polish Catholic girl. So my father threatened to come and shoot Sean, and, you know, they disowned me and it was just very messy. And I thought, I don't need that. I can handle it by myself.

Thank you very much. And I had to eliminate them. My mother called the producer of the show, Freddie Berson, Rosalind Russell's husband. She she tracked him down and asked him to fire me. But, just a nothing like an Al Anon with a mission.

Right? We can just anyway, so that's how it began. And so we stayed in California. And and, you know, I look back now and the decisions we make, I don't know, you know, when when the alcoholic just becomes our obsession. You know, they always talk about when the drinker when his social drinking crosses the line and becomes obsessive and alcoholic, you know, when they when the cucumber becomes the pickle.

Who knows while it's being pickled? You never know when it crosses that line. Right? But once a pickle, always a pickle. Right?

But, I've I don't know when the Al Anon becomes obsessed, but I by that time, I was obsessed. It was whatever Sean wanted. And I look back now, and the incredible thing was I never really danced again. And I didn't give it a moment's thought. I didn't think about it.

If I would like to do this, if this is good for me, if this was good for my career, I would be giving some up something that I have loved my whole life. And I gave it up in a New York minute without even thinking. That's what we do. That's what obsession does for all of us, doesn't it? And I never danced again.

Never danced again. Never grieved about it. Never allowed myself even to think about it. Even into many years in this program, I really didn't. And so we started our life in California, and we got married and settled down.

And what happened is truly I settled down, but he didn't. And that's when I thought he would you know, we were wild and crazy, and I drank a lot then. And then I thought it's time to grow up now. You know? And so I just stopped drinking, and that's when I noticed his drinking.

And then the insanity began, and it was just I always say my story is not is not very dramatic. Sean didn't go to jail. He didn't get arrested. He didn't go to hospitals. Our life was just the quiet insanity of day to day living with alcoholism, of not knowing what the problem is and trying to fix it.

And I believed everything he would tell me. You know? Anything to help him, he couldn't seem to get work, Couldn't seem to get a job. I had 3 jobs on the other hand. I don't know what the problem was.

Right? But he used to say, gee, if he only owned some property, he'd be fine. So we bought this awful house up in the Hollywood Hills. It had no foundation. It had no heat.

It was on the trail. It was really hidden. If, you know, Sean always said he never hid his drinking, just hid the house in which he drank in, and that's what it was. And it was just the 2 of us. Our world gets very small.

Family got eliminated out of our lives, and it was just the 2 of us. And, you know, California has mountains and oceans and beaches, and I never saw any of that. I just went to my house up in the hill where I could keep an eye on him, and I went to these various jobs that I had, and I was always calling him to check on him, what he was doing, if he was drinking, how much was he drinking, if he was drinking a lot, what kind of trouble was he getting into. I mean, it's just on and on and on my obsession with the alcoholic. And if only he would shape up, I would be okay.

Right? I mean, that's really what it was. And so I tried helping him. You know? If he only had a job, and he said if he only owned a Mercedes, he wouldn't have to drink.

I I don't know why I believe that in Sanjay. So he had a Mercedes, and he all he always talked about his classic Mercedes, but it wasn't a classic Mercedes. It was just an old Mercedes. And every time it broke down, which was often, it was always 100 of dollars. I mean, we didn't have money for food, but we had money for that flipping car and money for alcohol.

And and that's what our life was like. It was just the 2 of us getting crazier and crazier. I didn't know I had choices, and all I did was become angrier and angrier. And I remember that was really the only emotion that I felt really felt. You know, I used to have a little Shih Tzu dog who I got in New York long before I I met Sean, and my little dog, Friday, was my pal.

And I would be so angry sometimes. I and I took it out. Thank god I didn't have children because I really took it out on that dog. I would pick up that dog and fling him against the wall, pick him up and fling him against the wall and that anger. I just never knew where it would erupt.

And, and it it erupted at, a lot of people in retail, which I ended up doing a lot of retail. But God forbid you were the clerk at at Ralph's because you got my Ralph. You know? Those are the people that I could really be nasty to. And, anyway, that's what our life was like.

It just got smaller and crazier all the time. And one night, we had a really particularly vicious fight that that Sean just went to sleep, and I never understood how he we could have these arguments. He could just fall asleep. You know? I didn't really understand about passing out or blackouts at all.

I just thought, how can he just go to sleep on me like that? You know? And, anyway, I was up all night really upset, and he got up the next morning. And and he was fine. And that's when I really got scared because I realized he didn't remember anything.

He didn't remember a thing of what had happened. I got scared. Didn't really do anything about it. And, really, the only thing I knew about Alcoholics Anonymous, And I really, you know, I really talk about the denial of the alcoholic, but the denial of of the spouse or the family members because I had one friend left, and the 2 of us went to this tarot card reader. And I remember this till years ago.

Yeah. Anything looking for an answer. Right? Anything. And, anyway, I remember this woman.

She laid out the cards, and she looked at me. And she said, you know, somebody very close to you has a severe problem with alcohol. And I thought, talk about perception. Who could that be? I knew my father had a severe problem, but she said someone close to you.

I was not close to our father. I mean, is that I mean, I look back at that, that, and it was not long after that that Sean got arrested. And I happened to be out of town, and god's grace was with us because he really removed me because I'm missus missus Fixit, I'll tell you. If I always would make it somehow okay and everybody else's fault for whatever problem that was going on for Sean. I never put the problems together with the alcohol, nor did he, nor did he.

But this time, I happened to be out of town, and, and he got arrested. And I didn't know this until a week later. And he called me and said he had joined AA. And now I was not too impressed. As I said, the only thing I really knew about Alcoholics Anonymous was that my mother would threaten my dad with Alcoholics Anonymous.

And she would say back in Cleveland, when he would come home on one of his benders, she said, I'm gonna call the double amen on you. And that's what she called them, the double a man. And when she said double a man, she did not say it with great charm or endearment. It was, like, really to stoop to the bottom. You know?

And so she never called the double a men on him. So now here we were with the double a men. And so I came back, and he had a week of sobriety. And he was talking about these people in AA. And I thought, what is he getting me into now?

Because when I got to Al Anon, I don't know about you, but we were joined at the hip. Whatever happened to him happened to me. If he was in a good mood and he came home, we were in a good mood. If he was in a bad mood, we were in a bad mood. If he got arrested, we got arrested.

I don't know where I ended and he became began. And we were just so enmeshed. You know, we always say we're really like 2 crippled children trying to make one adult, and that's where you know, where his strengths were and my weaknesses. So the 2 of us fit together and could sort of function, sort of. And that's exactly what we were like.

So so we had a weakness of sobriety, and he was definitely different. And I had never known my husband sober. And he talked about AA, and people have this look in their eye. And I thought, oh, god. Look.

He got me into now. And then he said that there was a place for me to go, and he was very happy to give me that information. And, anyway, I didn't have a chance to call anybody, but a woman called me and said the exact words that I needed to hear. And the words were that I couldn't keep him sober, but I could help make sobriety a little easier. Now, that's not written anywhere in our literature, but it was exactly what the words that I needed to hear because I was still misshelpit.

And so I went to my first Al Anon meeting, and I loved it. I absolutely felt at home when I walked in. And I guess I had been walking around with this knot in my stomach and this anger and nobody understood. Nobody ever seemed to understand. And suddenly, there were a room full of people who were saying exactly how I felt.

And, I felt safe for the very first time. Fear has always ruled my life. I was always walking. And my anger underneath my anger, I always came across angry, and people used to think I was very snobbish because I always sort of held my hell head up high and just would march through things. But what it was was stark raving terror.

I was just always terrified and would never let myself feel the terror but just would be angry all the time. And, and so there I was. So I went to Al Anon, and Sean went to AA. And I'd like to tell you everything was wonderful ever since. And, and it has been and it hasn't been.

We've been truly blessed with the program. But as you know, I just I don't know where I thought that recovery meant the absence of absence of problems. I don't know. When you're new, you sort of wanna hear that maybe. You wanna hear that.

But it was a great blessing. I'm really today, I'm truly grateful that I married an alcoholic, and I'm grateful I came from an alcoholic home because of the life I have today and all of these people. And we're really blessed. We're really blessed. But I didn't feel too blessed then.

I'll tell you. I was a little pissed off. I was a little pissed off. And so we started on this journey. I started going to these meetings.

I was told not to make any emotional decisions in the first 6 months of Al Anon because I'll tell you, I really wanted to leave. I thought, you know, he's got AA. I've got Al Anon. There's way too much damage here. It's beyond repair.

We should just go our separate directions. But I was told not to make that decision for 6 months, and he was told not to make that decision for a year. And, and we stuck to that because I was really grateful. I mean, I didn't know what I felt at that time. I loved him.

I hated him, Wanted to be with him. Didn't wanna be with him. Terrified to be on my own, all sorts of things. And I started finding out about started finding out about me and started putting the focus on myself and started working the steps. And, god, it was the 1st year of sobriety for me was just as bad, if not worse than the last year of drinking.

It was just he was awful. He was impossible. He was so grouchy. He was so irritable. My you know, all those little games that we played were not working anymore.

You know? And I remember feeling, god, I wish sometimes he was so obnoxious. I wish he would just take a drink. And I remember feeling so guilty for having that feeling. And thank god for people in meetings, who could share who have the courage to share what you're what you're thinking but don't have the courage to share it, but somebody else will do it.

And I remember somebody else saying that at my meeting, and it was just and they said, that's okay. That's a normal feeling. It is. Because, you know, I knew the rules when he was drinking. The rules now were not applying.

They didn't work anymore. He was starting to change, and change was very scary. I didn't know if we'd stay together. I didn't know if I liked him sober, to tell you the truth. You know?

When he was drinking, I mean, he was he was always sort of pretty charming, I thought, you know, entertain everybody, and I could just sort of hide behind him. Now we were going to AA parties, and he was just going into the corner of the room and eating all their food. So then I could watch his eating. It's very easy to squish obsessions. I can still watch his eating.

I have to tell you. In that area, some things don't change because my husband loves fruitcake. You know, that awful Christmas fruitcake? Well, he eats fruitcake like he drank. He doesn't have just a slice.

He eats the whole cake. Now I never hid his drinking, but I, you know, I have to tell you with all these years in the program, I hide the fruitcake. You know, I love when people come over the house. You like to give them a cup of coffee and a little something to eat. Usually, a little piece of fruitcake.

You know, we get it from Texas. These friends of ours send it every year from Texas, and I just I like a little bit of it. Okay? But if I get home and he gets in the mail, he'll sit and demolish the whole thing. So so I hide the fruitcake.

And and this is again where we can have a sense of humor about each other because I got the fruitcake, and and I hide it. And then I'll bring it I'll tell Sean at Christmas time. After dinner one night, I'll say, Sean, would you like a piece of fruitcake? And he goes, oh, it must have arrived. Right?

And, so I have him close his eyes, and I hid all the cupboards in the kitchen because I don't want him to know where it is. And I take it out, and I give him a nice little slice of fruitcake. And, and I'll even offer him 2 slices occasionally. And then he has to close his eyes, and then I hide it. And it's a little game we have.

You know? And I shared this you know, we can laugh about it today. But, you know, the thing is he shared it at we have this Christmas meeting with AAs and Al Anon. And, you know, some of those Al Anon's who were not well enough yet brought him fruitcake. They felt sorry for him.

Can you believe that? Oh, I had to take them aside and tell them a thing or two. I'll tell you. Anyway, still gets the sympathy going for those. So anyway yeah.

So he would go in the corner and eat everybody's food. And this was not I was not too impressed. This was not the guy I wanted as a husband, I'll tell you. But we started making some changes. We started doing things a little differently.

I started taking my eyes off of him and I got a great black belt group of alanons, of which some of them are right here transplanted. And it's just so great. You know, god is just too cool to have some some people that you met in the program years ago in California. And here we are all together in Grand Island of all places. It's so great.

And they knew me before I was so together now. But it's great to have people know you from, you know, from what you used to be like because I was you know, had you looked at the 2 of us as a couple, you would have said Bonnie is the one with the problem. Sean arrived to his 1st AA meeting in his in his old Mercedes, but well dressed. He had a sports jacket and tie, and they all knew he was drunk. But now I, on the other hand, arrived in my beat up Volkswagen that looked like a drunk's car, and I used to wear these, long muumus in those days, early seventies.

I had babushkas on my head. They didn't know I had hair for the 1st 6 months in Al Anon because I never got my hair done. I mean, we never had money. I mean, he could have a sports jacket, but I could never get my hair done. And my nails were bitten to the quick, and you didn't know I had, dimples or lips, I tell you, because I was mean.

And, and and my spouse used to call me the brat, and she even gave me a T shirt that said brat. And they called me the mouth because I was just I was nasty and angry for a long time in Al Anon. And, anyway, so I started this journey about looking at myself Looking at myself. And it's so hard not to blame them. You know?

You know, we lived in that awful house up in the Hollywood Hills that had no heating foundation, and I blamed Sean for years about that house. Foundation, and I blamed Sean for years about that house. Finally, my sponsor said, didn't you have to sign your name on that deed? You know, I forgot about that. I forgot about that.

I had to start looking at how I had participated in the insanity. It was really easy for me to blame him for everything. But you know I was there and I was participating. And I will tell you some of my solutions were worse than his. The solutions were worse than our problems many times.

And, so I had to start looking at me. And some little things like that had me focusing on what I was doing that was so crazy, that how I participated, that how I let everything happen, that I took away a lot of the responsibilities. I complained about everything. You know, I paid all the bills. I had 3 jobs when I came to this program.

I was handling everything. And I was a little upset. You know? He was, like, 6 months sober and we were at a meeting. I remember he shared that he paid the gas bill and he practically got a standing ovation.

No. I was, you know, I've been paying the gas bill for years. You know? So thank god for because, you know, you guys get your pats on the back, but we certainly needed our pats on the back. You know?

That I could allow him to pay the gas bill now. You know? Because I wouldn't allow him to do those things. You know? I remember he had that year of sobriety, and it was a really important story for me.

And some of you might have heard it, but my sponsor said you've gotta think of something you're willing to turn over to Sean. And I thought about it for a long time, and there wasn't much I I was willing to turn over because she said she had little keywords. She said when you turn turn it over, you have to let go completely. Very hard for me. And and so I thought about it, and 3 weeks went by.

And I thought, oh god. I'm off the hook. I am totally off the hook. And, but she remembered. She said, have you thought of something?

And I said, yep. There's absolutely nothing that I trust him with. And that was true. There was no trust or respect in that marriage. And she said, well, that's just not gonna work on you.

There's gotta be something. And so I came up with the laundry, and I turned over the laundry to Sean. And I wouldn't give him the bills and pay the and the money. That's for sure. And so, you know, a week went by and he didn't do the laundry.

And 2 weeks went by and he didn't do the laundry. And I called my sponsor and said, you know, these alcoholics, I could have told you this. You give them something to do. They never follow through. And she said, don't touch the laundry.

You know? You know, she said it was like the alcohol you know, they say the alcoholic. If the alcoholic wants a drink, before you take that drink, call somebody in AA. She said, before you touch that laundry, you call somebody in Al Anon. You know?

Because I was tempted to take it into my own hands. And, 3 weeks went by and there was nothing clean anywhere. The laundry is cascading and, he finally did it. And it came out awful as I knew it would. But you know what?

An incredible change happened out of something as silly and as stupidly you know, a stupid suggestion from my sponsor. But it was the first time that I gave Sean the dignity to do something in his time and his way. You know? Before, there was my way and the wrong way. They can still even happen today, I hate to say.

But it was the first time I followed through on anything that I had never been consistent. You know? I always would say, do this or it wouldn't do it my way or my time. I would end up taking it back, and I ended up doing everything and resenting every minute of it. And that's how I got all my pats in the back though, you know, because everybody would say, Bonnie, how'd you do it?

You're so wonderful to do And it was the And it was the first time I started respecting him, and he started respecting me. And, and that's what we started building, and it's been quite a journey ever since. It has been quite a journey. And the longer I am in this program, I guess I found the biggest problem today for me is me. The biggest problem for me is right between my ears.

My thinking about myself, my thinking, my negativity, my worrying, my wanting control, my negative chatter to myself. You know, nobody is abusive in my life to me today as I am to myself. I mean, I'm really trying to work on that because I can still just knock myself down and beat myself up and still feel like that scared, worthless little Polish girl from Cleveland. And I know that's not who I am today. And I need to keep going to meetings because I still I can easily fall back into that.

28 years in the program, all the things that you change and go through, and we've had wonderful things happen, and we've had some tragic things happen. And and it has been an adventure. And I think life isn't just all I would like it to be all one thing, but it's not. It's got its good times and bad times, and it's and it's learning from all of it. And it's learning that I don't have to go through any of it alone.

And we moved up to Canada, and, it was a great opportunity. A great opportunity. Sean was starting a business up there with his family. And, you know, I keep waiting. And I remember I always think of, Peggy Martin.

God, I just love Peggy. She's just one of my AA heroes. And I I always talk about, you know, I was in the program, and it's like, you know, you work the program and you work the steps and traditions and things start, things do get better. It's like my duck started getting in a row. You know?

They all start just following the way I want them to. You know? And but there's always one duck that's, like, not not marching according to my plan. I don't know if it's a money duck or it's a kid duck or it's an aging parent or it's the alcoholic. It's not all going my way.

And that's been my experience. And I remember saying, you know, these ducks are just not all in a row. And I sat down. I remember I was sharing I was here in Nebraska a few a number of years ago, and Peggy said, I'd like your talk. She said, I gotta tell you something about your ducks.

So I've got some bad news for you. They're not your ducks. And, you know what? I am still working on them. They are not my ducks, and, and that's a really that is truly letting go and surrendering.

I hate being powerless. Sometimes it's great freedom, but, god, sometimes it's scary when it's just not going my way. And it's just trusting. You know? It really is trusting.

And I really think god put me up in Canada. Al Anon was great in in California, but I think god removed me because I needed to grow in another area. And, you know, I went from making my husband my higher power to making my sponsor my higher power. And then I think he moved me up to Canada to get my own higher power. And, and that's what you really need to get in this program because sometimes things happen, and and it's really all between you and god.

It really is. It's really what it comes down to. It's really trusting. It's just trusting him and knowing that I'm gonna be okay no matter what. And we've gone through some real program.

I hate to tell you that. I've it's just life. It's just dealing with life on life terms. You know? If you're gonna be around this program long enough, I guarantee you're gonna have a health problem, an aging family person problem, a a kid problem, something.

And, and it's not gonna be the way you want it to be. And, and it's just trusting that god does have a plan. And out of seemingly bad things, good things do happen. And it's just trusting when you're in the middle of it. And this program has given me the courage to trust it when I'm in the middle of a crisis because I used to always want a quick fix.

I wanna fix it right now. I don't want see the process and see how god is gonna work it out. But thank god for the program has allowed me to do that. And god works it out in the most incredible ways that I would never think possible. And, yeah, we've had lots of things we've gone through.

When Sean was 5 years sober, I came over one of my meetings, and, and he told me he had gotten arrested. And, I thought, god, this doesn't happen in sobriety. Didn't happen while he was drinking. And, and the miracle for me happened. And I always talk you know, I used to sit in those meetings and I would hear the words compassion and serenity, and I thought, I'll never feel that on the inside.

You know? If I can if my stomach could just stop churning for a few minutes, I'll be happy. I'll be happy. I'll be happy. You know, if I can if my stomach could just stop churning for a few minutes, I'll be happy.

I'll be happy with that. But he told me what happened, and, you know, sometimes you don't know you've changed until something happens and you handle it in a totally different way and you say, who was that? You know? Where did that come from? Because he told me what that he got arrested.

What happened? And instead of yelling and screaming and what have you done to me and why are you screwing up our life and blowing up our marriage, I could look at him and say, I am so sorry that you have to hurt yourself so much and actually feel compassion for him. And and that's alanon. That is truly alanon. It doesn't just change your outside.

It truly changes your insides, and that is truly miraculous. I don't even Canada for has I thought, you know, my ducks are now in a row. You know? I had our dream house. My husband had work that he was enjoying.