The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

I would now like a volunteer to read How it Works. It's adapted for Overeaters Anonymous from chapter 5 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Michael? Michael, compulsive overeater. Michael.

How it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault.

They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be be like, what happened, and what we are like now.

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these, we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with food, cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. 1, we admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. 4, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. 8, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9 made direct amends to such people wherever possible. Oh, readers anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who through shared experience, strength, and hope are recovering compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively.

There are no dues or fees for members. We are self supporting for our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology, or religious doctrines. We take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry the message of recovery to those who still suffer.

I would now like a volunteer to read How It Works is adapted for Overeaters Anonymous from chapter 5 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Michael? Michael, compulsive overeater. Michael. How it works.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way.

They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these, we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with food, cunning, baffling, powerful.

Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Half measures availed us nothing.

We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. 1, we admitted we were powerless over food that our lives had become unmanageable. 2, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3, made 5, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, 5, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects and became and became willing to make amends to them all. 9, made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10, continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Many of us exclaimed, what an order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles, we are not saints.

The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the compulsive of reader, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas. A, that we were compulsive overeaters and could not manage our own lives.

B, that probably no human power could have relieved our obsession. C, that God could and would if he were sought. Are there any newcomers in their first 30 days of Welcome. Hey, Melinda. Welcome.

Please see our literature person, Kate, who will be happy to help you after the meeting right there. K. I would like to call our Chip and birthday person Kim to acknowledge various lengths of abstinence. Hi, Kim. Compulsive overheater.

Hey, Kim. We acknowledge various lengths of abstinence from compulsive overeating. To each person taking a chip, we ask that you please state your name and their your disease. Is there anyone here tonight who is new or starting their abstinence over who would like to take a new comership? Wanna take a new comership?

I got one in the new room. Okay. Is there anyone celebrating 30 days of continuous abstinence? 60 days? 90 days?

6 months, or 9 months. No. We celebrate OA anniversaries by presenting a candle to those who wish to celebrate a birthday. So that we have time for our main speaker, each birthday person has one minute to speak. And do we have any birthdays?

No. Okay. Thank you for letting me be of service. Hopefully, we'll have more action next week. Okay.

Please turn off all cell phones and pagers out of courtesy to our speaker. Our main speaker tonight gets to share experience, strength, and hope until 6:20 and what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. If the speaker wishes to stop early, he may do so, and we will open the meeting to questions. I would now like to introduce our speaker, Walter. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi. My name is, Walter, and I'm a compulsive overeater. Walter. And I wanna thank God for my abstinence.

Always begin to end my recovery. And, May, thank you very much for, asking me to speak. She'd asked me to speak and said, you know, Walter, are you going to the birthday party? I said, no. I'm not, so I'd be happy to speak.

And, then I got called to speak down there. So, you know, it's and I have a lot of friends. I have a lot to be grateful for, in this program because food was a son of a gun for me, just to qualify, and then I'll work back and forward and all over. I had a top weight of £280. And before that, I had a top weight of 269 pounds, and I had vowed I would never exceed that 269.

And so I'd like to say that, lack of power is our dilemma. And, and I love being in this room. I really like wherever I see the steps and traditions hung and these slogans and stuff, because that is the program. While 12 step programs share the dynamics a lot, like group therapy, it's really not. It's about the steps, which is a very personal journey that you need, a, a sponsor recovered alcoholic, and I'm gonna need to talk about that because it's impossible for me to really extract my programs.

Because, if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't be in this room, because I was very ashamed of being heavy. And I'm I'm a typical male. I want to look good in front of women. You know? And and so for me to be sitting here now and sharing that is just if you told me that in the height of my eating, I just said that's impossible.

But because of what happened to me, being relieved of the alcohol obsession through the steps, I I just it was just a miracle. And I wanna say higher power is is endless in terms of of what I think the struggles this higher power will take away from us. I don't know how to measure that except by my experience, and I've had alcohol taken away. And I'm telling you, if that's all that was taken away, I was way ahead of the game. Then next was a 3 pack a day addiction.

That was taken away, and that's when I got back into the into the food. But my first, I pulled the Geo Grass, so I'm sober 16 years. In fact, I got sober November 23, 1986. Got off of, nicotine in August of 89. The only birthday that I ever solidly remember is is the AA birthday because that was huge.

And then I got into OA in 91. And, it hasn't been perfect until these last 4 years, and I'm not gonna say perfect. But I stopped with the tools. I got a sponsor and and all that stuff. And Melinda, welcome.

You're most welcome. And just sit back, relax, keep coming back. I don't know if this is your first, foray into a 12 step program. If it is, you're hearing a lot of strange language and and all that, but just trust the process, because it does work. It does work.

So, my first recollection of a of a and I didn't know this then, but, when I was, I don't know, 4, 5, 6, 7 in back in Bayonne, New Jersey, originally from Connecticut. One of my aunts gave me a pair of boxer shorts, and I started crying. And, I was really I wouldn't accept the gift. And, because the message to me was it was I was fat. You know?

No one said that. It was not on the shorts, but that's how I internalized it. And in fact, I met a girl in college who liked boxers, and I wouldn't wear them. You know? You know how you're getting really they wanna give you the gifts, and I was like, not me.

Even in college, I thought that that was you know, I wouldn't wear them today. It's kinda funny how that is. And, you know, know, and I my my parents both were, compulsive overeaters, and there's alcoholism. So I think I'm not a parent, today. I I I think somehow I got those feelings from my parents.

I just where else did I get? I I wasn't getting it on television. You know, Mickey Mouse wasn't saying you're fat. I mean, so and and, you know, that really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

But what does matter from that experience was it began a tape in my head. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat. You're fat.

You're fat. And a piece of literature that I like to read, which is not related to this program, but the information is related, It says, as our mind goes, our life goes. So it's very important. When I've learned through the twelve steps, it's all about changing our mind. And I know a very good therapist.

She says, you know, Walter, and it's I guess this is documented. I'd love to read this study. She says the damage from compulsive overeating or any eating disorder, it's far greater the mental anguish that the sufferer does to themselves than the actual physics on the body. You know, whether you're overweight, underweight, it's what we do, and I believe that today. So, you know, I'm just like a normal kid, I got moving on with my life, and and that story was never forgotten.

And, I was was pretty normal. Pretty normal weight. I remember 6th grade, I was heavy. There's a picture of me, and and a school picture, and I was heavy. And I this may be legitimate.

It was a heavy stage, I was told. And then 7th, 8th, 9th grade, I was I was normal, and I was I was involved in sports. Couple of things another thing that didn't help my self talk was being left back in 2nd grade. You know, that was and I saw my peers going on and that was, you know, and that that that really comes later into my inventory. Got through that and, it was about 9th grade.

I wasn't really interested in school. I was interested in being with the the fast crowd, you know, the party scene. That's exactly what I wanted to do, and I started smoking, thinking about drinking. It's tough to drink when you live at home, but we did it. We used to steal the booze and go on little campouts and got caught there and, you know, and just wanting girlfriends and all that.

And I thought that the people were that were good students or that stuck to hobbies and things like that, I thought that they were the the losers. You know? And I don't know where I got this plan for living, but it was all mine, and I was very willful. And, my parents decided to send my brother and I to a strict Jesuit school because they didn't want us to go to the public school in Danbury, Connecticut to keep us from the, drugs and alcohol crowd. And I wasn't on that campus at Fairfield Prep.

I don't know if I should say this on the tape. It's a very good school, but I wasn't I wasn't I wasn't on that campus, 2 or 3 days, and I found the drug and alcohol crowd. And I also found out that Jesuits and certain lay teachers also like drugs and alcohol. The world's very different, you know, as we leave home. Very, very different.

And, but I, you know, I so I somehow got through school and, but I I I remember I used to medicate. On the way home, I would always stop, and I had to get hamburgers and stuff. And, they they it was a great school. I'm glad I went there because I really do like to learn and read. But the problem was commuting.

It was 35 miles each way. And by California standards, that's nothing. By Connecticut standards, that would be like going from, here to Santa Barbara every day for school, you know, taking the taking the roads. Connecticut is just a much smaller state. And so I would eat hamburgers to medicate, and I didn't have that word.

And my father had a nickname for me called Wimpy. And he just didn't, you know, he just didn't know how to guide me or whatever. He knew what I was up to because he was a compulsive overeater himself. But looking back at that, I can remember that doing inventories. Why was I doing that?

Why was I eating that in the middle of day in between lunch going down to the cafeteria? You know, that was a big deal. There wasn't cafeterias in the public schools in Connecticut where I was from. There are now, but back then, it was very, very small rural town. So it was a big deal for me having a cafeteria, you know, and I just remember the food was just a big thing.

I've stolen lunches. And I I remember doing that and eating someone's food, and I just thought I got a little thrill out of that that I got away with that. And when I look back at that now I mean, I was a young person. I'm not gonna hang myself for doing that, but how ruthlessly selfish that is, you know, that I would just do that, take that food, and let someone be hungry the rest of the day and sit in the class while they're really, really upset about that. And that's that's just how selfish that I could be.

And, again, at the time, I didn't think so. You know? But those types of things ambushed me into addiction later on as I found out. So, you know, I I and I I wasn't a complete blank. You know?

I wasn't a complete 0. I, did okay. Enough to get through and get into college. I was on the swim team, but not good enough for JV. I was on the swim team, but not good enough for JV.

I smoked when I swam. But I perfected these skills of of just getting by. And it's like what the 12 and 12 says, our various and sundry ideas of getting by. You know, I had created the standards in my mind of what I should be doing, and and and, ultimately, it didn't work. It didn't serve me.

You know? And it took me a long time to to just deal. And and one of my mantras today is just to live in a reality now. What what's really going on? Why am I in this meeting?

What am I doing? What am I really doing? What are my motives? You know? What am I thinking right now?

What am I up to? And it's like I heard a woman share today at the birthday party, checking my intentions. You know? Are my intentions matching my actions? You know?

Are my intentions are they selfish and and all that stuff? And I was I was just clueless. I used to just think if I could get away with it, it was no problem. So I get through, school, and, and I'd had my heavy phases on the other area. I did have girlfriends here and there, but I was never I mean, not that you should you know, I don't I don't know how to say this sounds funny.

You shouldn't be a superstar. Like, I I don't think it's any great thing to say you had hundreds of girlfriends, but successful relationship. You know, my relationships were always based in jealousy, control, fear, or games. You know what I mean? I never really had a mature relationship with anyone, you know, until I started getting into recovery.

And, but I'm glad for the experiences that I had because I wasn't a complete blank slate, you know, on it. So I had some skills in that area. And I got through, got into college. And I remember getting to college, and I was I was heavy. And I the summer before I went to college, I went with a, work construction.

And the the, the thing to do at the end of the night was drink a case of beer, and that put a ton of weight on me. I was like, I got into college about £230. And my weight I remember my weight always. If I got up to 230, I knew I was pretty heavy. 215 was like a fighting weight for me.

But I always wondered. I said, how do those guys get in shape and stick to those things? And and I used to have old and I love this. It's another thing we learn in recovery about getting rid of old ideas. And I always thought if I were smart enough to have gone to Yale or if I'd gotten played football, I I wouldn't have had problems with these addictions.

I just assumed that those things would make make you elite and above those problems. And I've since to come to realize in addictions, it doesn't matter whether you're from Yale or jail. And and I've known some stellar athletes that don't look like that today, and I'm not judging them. It's just the nature of addiction. And, but it was it was just it was just tough.

And when I got to college, I got to see that the disciplined people really had a healthier life and, you know, we're just a lot freer about things than I was. So I got through college and got into the work world, and I was nursing, my addictions. And all that was really, presenting a problem in my mind was the alcohol, but there was a strong argument. I probably should have been yanked out of school instead of limping through, which I did. And I worked my way through it and, you know, just didn't got into the work world.

And, it wasn't until I got into sales and I got introduced to, cocaine, and I thank God for cocaine because that probably sped me up. I might still be out there drinking right now if if I didn't get into cocaine. I could still be on slow burn at that crazy place I went to, Nellie Greens there in Brantford, Connecticut. And, and that was it. And I pulled the geographic, and my bottom was, January of 19 84, and I was back in Stamford, Connecticut.

And you wanna talk about being shut down. I was smoking 3 packs of Marlboro a day. Always had an off off again, on again thing with cigarettes, and I was £269, though I didn't know that. If someone had said to me, what do you think you weigh, Walter, at that period of time? I would have said, oh, probably about 235.

And it wasn't until I got into a detox out here and I got on the scale, I was just astounded. So I was £269, the heaviest I'd ever been in my life, smoking 3 packs of Marlboro a day, snorting cocaine, and drinking. And, I mean, you wanna I was shut down. I mean, I was just shut down on all levels. It was just unbelievable how I did that to myself.

And the reason I came out here I have family out here. All of my family had migrated out here from Connecticut, and I had a brother who's a, a very good Al Anon, very concerned about his big brother's drinking, and he got me into a couple of detox programs out here. And the first one the first one, the the premise of it was, to get off drugs and alcohol through sweating and taking vitamins and all that stuff. And, tell you the truth, all I cared about when I got out here was how heavy I was. So I did whatever I had to do to get the family off my back.

Cocaine did go away. It's the only addiction that scared me off it on its own. I I that was just really uncanny because I loved cocaine, but I I I just gave that up on my it just went away. It was just I guess the obsession to to do cocaine was taken away from me. And when I got out of that detox, I start I went on my own again, my own plan, my own diet.

1 can of tuna fish, 2 pieces of whole wheat bread, and, brussels sprouts and apple and a bunch of coffee, and I was smoking then. And I went down to 184 and, became eligible again to attract a woman. And I got involved with a woman who had a daughter. And 5 weeks later, that was over because she didn't like the way I spoke to her when I when I was drinking, and I gotta tell you, you can't blame her. And that was it for me.

I said, you know what? I'm sick of this. This I'm sick of losing. And this is when the miracle began, and I got into AA. And, this is another thing I love to share.

I was about 20 2 days in AA, and patience is not a virtue of mine. I'm still working on that. And when I realized she wasn't coming back, I went out. And 22 days, I, you know, I just think about that now. 22 days to me is like lighting a match.

You know? It's like, but what had happened in those 22 days that I was an Alcoholics Anonymous and the same thing that happens here in Overeaters Anonymous, they ruined my drinking. I could not get drunk. Physiologically, I could get drunk, but I could not go into my fantasy land. And that was I was in trouble then.

That's a bad place for an alcoholic to be. So I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous, and then the next miracle that happened to me is that I went on a retreat. And, that's where the old ideas started to get stripped away and, where that's where I definitely was connected with. It doesn't care whether you're from Yale or jail. And back to my Yale story, my sponsor my first real sponsor, he gave me a tape by this guy, Sandy Beach, and I'm a real big believer in tapes.

And Sandy Beach, he he went to Yale. And not only did he go to Yale, he was a marine pilot, fighter pilot, and he was an alcoholic. And I just couldn't understand that. I said, my god. He went to one of the greatest institutions of the world.

He's a fighter pilot, and he said he lost it all. And that was very, very you know, not we don't benefit from other people's misery, but we connect here. We say, wow. And I got to hear that that person could put his life back together, and that was a miracle that I heard that. I I just I'll never forget that.

So these steps work, you know. And like I said, 3 years later is when it was time to start moving on. Oh, and also I like to say this about a therapist I saw when I first came into, the 12 step programs I saw in step 3, you know, turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. I said, you know, that's a that that can't be so, not for me because my case is different. I was an altar boy.

I'm a Catholic. So I went and saw a therapist, and the therapist said and I'm so grateful that I ran into this therapist. So, Walter, the only one that that handles addiction is God. And that was I was like, Jesus. This person's got an MFCC.

Why would she say that? Well, she said it because it was true. She thought it was true, and it turned out to be true for me. And I'm glad she told me that, and I'm glad I went there. It saved me a lot of time.

So I like to do things, and I saw these mountains, and it was time to get all cigarettes and hike and mountain bike and all that stuff. And or those were my aspirations, and I ended up doing that. And, but I had to give up cigarettes, and I knew, where do you give up cigarettes? Twelve step program. I went to nicotine anonymous, and this is where the food comes in.

You know? I always knew or somehow for me, I've seen people quit smoking and not gain an ounce. You know? With me, it's, boy, I gained a lot of weight. And remember my vow, I would never go back to 2 above 2 £169.

Here I am. I quit smoking a 195, and I can't tell you why I went from 184 to 195. These are just things I could never put together. You know? And, I finally had to say, if I gain a £1,000, I'm quitting smoking, and I trusted the process.

And I didn't gain a £1,000, but I went from 195 to £80 in sobriety. I won't tell you that's pretty painful. You know? I mean, I was taking up 2 of these chairs in an AA meeting. And, you know, in AA, they don't wanna hear about the food thing.

They just don't. And, what I had to learn in AA was I was asked I had a sponsor, very good sponsor, this guy Bob, who's a god and step man. But his idea for the food was a first, it would be quit pigging out. Just quit pigging out. You know?

And then the next thing was, alright. Lack of powers, you're dilemma. That didn't work. I went to Nutrisystems. And, you know, Nutrisystems work.

It did. I lost the weight, but then I lost my father and I put the weight on, or I lost the account, and I put you know? And when I was standing on the scale, they weren't asking me, are you jealous? Are you afraid? You know?

And those are those I you know, if they added those that process to their program, it would it would really be very beneficial. And maybe they do today. I don't know. It didn't work for me. So what I finally had to do was, you know, here's my AA tribe.

And when I go to AA, I just talk about, you know, the nonsense, the drinking. You know? I'm I'm kind of, very black and white about AA. I'll listen I'll listen to the I'll listen to what a wonderful world it is for a couple 2 or 3 years. But if you're still talking about the booze, then it's like I said, you know, what do I want a cookie for giving up something that was gonna kill me anyway?

See, the real what I think was the biggest challenge was was in overeaters and not him. She come in really dealing with with core emotions. You know? And this is this really takes a surrender into the steps, and I'll never forget it when I got to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The level of sharing just blew me away.

I mean, that word intimacy started to really mean something. You know? And I'm not knocking AA, but but and I've been all over AA conventions and everything. They're knocking AA, but but and I've been all over AA conventions and everything. They're just in my view, the level of sharing and the recovery is just I was didn't get what I until I got what I got here in Over Eaters Anonymous.

So I got sober, and that was a miracle. And that gave me the clarity to start working this program, and I just stopped talking to the other guys. You know, I mainly hung out with guys in in, AA, and it got into OA, and that was the miracle. And what happened for me there was they weren't saying get on a scale. They weren't telling me I had to have a goal weight, that my absence became 3 meals a day and nothing in between, and I like that.

And I reported £280. The next thing was I was given an inventory, food do a food inventory. And let's see. I'm 48 now, and I got into OA 91. I don't know what was I.

Mid thirties, and, I didn't know how to eat. I did not equate. You know, pizza was real fattening. I didn't get that. And so what I was given was this food inventory.

Binge, gray area, clean. And I could figure that out. And a word that was really clutch that was given to me here in in o a was trigger. What are your trigger foods? Now I knew what a trigger was from being an alcoholic.

1 Heineken, I'm gone. You don't have got no idea where I'm gonna be later tonight. You know? So I got that, and I said, wow. Trigger.

I eat an ice cream. In fact, I'm you know, this would happen to me tonight. You know, if if I have, go out and fellowship and, you know, people can eat ice cream. I can't. I have a cup of ice cream.

I'll act like a gentleman. All of a sudden, you'll see me getting fidgety. If you're really observing me closely and just follow me. I'm going to 711, then I'm going to Barnes, and it just it's like starting that chainsaw. You know?

Kaboom. I'm gone, and that's a trigger. And those are the foods that bottom line abstinence for me are things like that. But so that happened. That those were boundaries, and I started hiking, and I lost the weight.

And I was mountain biking, and I got down to this 208 past that. You know? But I said, you know, this is pretty good. I'm happy, and I'll just get past that. You know?

But I said, you know, this is pretty good. I'm happy, and I'll just keep trudging along here. And I went back to my high school reunion, something I wouldn't have done if it wasn't for abstinence. I did a lot of Amaya men's work that I I wouldn't have done if it wasn't for abstinence. I went back to a, you know, height.

Did a lot of great things a lot of great things, but remember, during this period in Overeaters Anonymous from 91 until 90 9, I did not accept the the, the tools, you know, and I didn't accept the sponsor. You know, I I kinda had that just that thing that you just couldn't connect with someone. But it really what it was was my willfulness. And, so I was cooking along in, in in program there, and, I got into this job. I'm a salesman, and I really like money.

And, this was the best job I'd ever had to date, and they were paying a lot of money. And I was pretty happy about that. And, what happened was the company went public, and they said that, and I'm not blaming this. This is this is stuff that happens. You know?

You just pick up the Wall Street Journal, the LA Times business. This is just standard operating procedure in the business world, but it was my first experience with it. And as an overeater, I just reacted with what I with a known way. You know, anger. And what does anger and resentment breed?

Anger and resentment. And I didn't have a sponsor. And so they started what they did said was we have to cut back. The board of directors said we have to cut back on the, commissions and paying you people too high, and I started getting resentments about that. And then there was a rival there.

I didn't like and I was just my spiritual condition, I was going to Vegas. I I'd like to say this. I never left AA, never left OA, but I I like to say that I I started to revisit the disco. And the disco means that I thought I could go out there and, how do you say that, live around those haunts that I used to do when I was drinking, and I can't do that. So a lot of stuff.

You know, if you're on a just my foundation was was was eroding, and I'm very lucky that I didn't go out and get drunk. You know? I'm very, very lucky. So it was a lot of things that were conspiring. And and, again, it was my spiritual condition wasn't where it should be.

And there was a guy there, and I I mentioned this because every inventory I've ever done has always had a, a theme to it where I've judging. This most recent one was gossip judging. This most recent one was gossip. And there was a guy there I didn't like, and he didn't like me. And, so here I have a head full of of resentment.

He came in with his group, and they seem to be, in my view, were getting were being treated better and all that. And he one time said something about me. You know, it's what people do that don't like each other. They're always looking to to pull the rug out wherever they can. And and what he said was no big deal, but it was just like, you know, immediately I was I had to get Rudeng.

Had to. Had to. And I knew something good about him, and I I dropped the napalm. You know what I mean? I would've heard of him.

And I was still being a jerk because when he put his fist up and the manager starts getting nervous, and I said, you know, Bruce, sit down. He's not gonna do a damn thing. And, you know, I was really looking to get him to make him more nuts. You know? I was still being a wise guy.

But at the same time, I was also talking to myself saying, you know, Walter, you created this whole situation. And, you know, this is the unmanageable life. You know? And and this is this is what this is what I was up to. Oh, and so I'm out of control.

You know? I'm not exactly acting with impeccability, integrity. So probably let me roll back 6 months before that with all the stuff that was aggravating me and not doing like what other normal people had done. Other normal people had just said said they saw the writing on the wall and left. I went to Jack in the Box, and I'll never forget it.

I have an uncle who lives here in Venice, and I would come watch, Laker games with him once in a while. And I stopped at the jack in the box, and I had one milkshake. And that one became twice a week, 3 times a week, and then came back all my triggers. And I love, you name them, triple, double, extra. And I remember, you know, people I hear in program, they say they'd always pretend they're ordering for a party.

I didn't give a crap with these people. Thought I was ordering for a party. Don't worry. You don't worry about your party, not worry about mine. And my car kept getting smaller, and I kept getting bigger.

And that's what happened. And one day in that Jack in the Box, I screamed inside. It was a scream. I'll never forget it. And that's when that's after this almost fight and all that stuff with that guy, and I had to surrender.

There's something inside. And when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And they did they finally did the last thing. They just shaved the commission check, and I left. And I found a better paying job.

I can't believe how serene this place has been where I've been working. I mean, it's just, god, relative to the insanity that I was was putting up with and trying to fight and change. You know? And I was at an AA meeting, and I saw this person speak on a on the 11th step. And I said, well, they look well, it didn't even cross my mind that food would be their problem, if any, if I'm judging, which I'm very good at judging.

I said, he probably runs too much or something. And then about a couple of nights later, I saw this person speaking at the OA meeting out in Reseda Reseda Hall is primarily where I got abstinent, and I asked this person to be my sponsor. And we started I started made a beginning. And I also got involved in service. Now service is not slimming.

Service gets you to the meetings and opens you up to other people, and it's a very healthy thing to do. But the only thing that is slimming is abstinence in the steps. But it is important, I think, to do service and give back. You know? And I do when I'm asked.

If I can, I will speak? You know? And if I'm asked to sponsor male or female, I'll sponsor. And, god, I'm just so much better as a sponsor than I was before my absence. And people come and go, and, you know, it's not my business.

I feel sad when I see some people struggle, but I don't I don't call them like a moony or try to control the situation. These are very healthy things for me. And guts, time to do an inventory, and I did the inventory through the big book and columns. And at the top of it and I love to do this because and I wanna get into the steps here. My first inventory, all it was was a bunch of nonsense.

I shared my deep, dark secret, and these inventories are very important to do. The steps are very important to do. And what the steps are all about are cleaning up our thinking. Our thinking controls our life just the way it does, and I never got that. I mean, so a lot of you have said, you know, no kidding.

Well, I didn't know that. I just thought it was like way the wind blew. It's how your life went. I I had because one of the one of the old idea I had was no matter what wall and this was a secret of mine. No matter what Walter did, no fruit would come from it.

You know what I mean? My efforts were just I didn't go to Yale, and I didn't go to football. I didn't play football, so I must be not not good enough. You know? And these are the thoughts that have to go.

They just have to go. They have to go. That doesn't mean that I go to the other side and and try to now, you know, become some superstar thing. No. But I just have a self acceptance of myself, and I do what's in front of me.

And I know now when I do put in honest effort, I usually get pretty good results. You know? And that's a miracle. And, also, I gotta tell you, way back in AA, there is a higher power. There is something going on here that I can't explain, and and I like to share this long time ago.

I was just could not function. I couldn't sell. And it was time that they were gonna put me off the payroll, and that means they're firing you. But they said, we'll keep you around as a commission rep. And I probably could have held on for another 3 or 4 months, but I had to surrender.