An NA Convention in Charlotte, NC

Welcome, Benjie. Hey, everybody. I'm gonna make sure you hear me. If I didn't have anything to say, I could've stayed in Flint. And the way y'all walking, you need to hear some.

My name is Benjie, and I'm an addict. And my home group is the Friday night live in Metropolitan Detroit. See, when I got to Nachos and Nachos, my foot was tired. I don't understand all this walking. I was tired, and I had walked all night and all day.

I was one of these guys that walked from sun up to sundown. You see me at 4 o'clock in the morning, and I have my high beams on, talking about what's up. See, I don't know if y'all walked that late in Charlotte. When I was in Greensboro, I would've got that trees and dog alleys. I I understand.

I I was telling the mayor. I said, look at here, man. I can't do no walking up here. All snakes and alleys. So I gotta stay clean.

I'm happy to be here with all of you tonight. I said I'm happy to be here with you. It's one thing to be here, but it's another thing to be here with you. See, God sent me and God sent you. And there's room for me in the circle and there's room for you.

And our fellowship is so wonderful that we created a space for the addict that's on his way or the addict that's on her way. So we gotta sit down because there's some addicts that's gonna do something for us that haven't even made their way to Narcotics Anonymous yet. And we're just walking so scared you ain't gonna get it. You're gonna get it. Everybody else don't have it.

What makes you think you're not gonna maybe get it? He's easy to get. When I came to Knox House, I was nothing but a wee wee. That's all I had. And that was all you was gonna get.

I'm a go ahead and get this out of the way. How many of y'all went to dance last night? I'm a get honest for a minute. I went to I went in there and I'm feeling these sex vibes and stuff. What the hell going on here in Charlotte?

And they were playing the song, Take It to the House. I've never heard that before. Take it to the house. Uh-huh. I did.

That I was dancing with the girl and she was showing me her house. And my mind said, I see your house. I start thinking about being the indweller and I ease on out today. I almost blamed Charlotte, but that ain't Charlotte. That that shit was in my mind.

New York, California, you know, but I was gonna play Charlotte, but I know that ain't Charlotte. But I also know I can do everybody in Charlotte and I still got to go to Raleigh because one ain't enough. I can't get enough. That's one of the dynamics about addiction, You can't satiate an addiction. That's a pretty word, isn't it?

What it means is that if you got an addiction to sex, you can't satisfy by having sex. You got an addiction to food, you can't satisfy by having food, by eating food. You got an addiction to drugs, you can't satisfy by using drugs. That's fundamental to our dilemma. We can't be satisfied.

Some of us been trying to get high for 20 years, ain't got high yet. 20 years, ain't got high yet. Newcomers, sit down and rest a while. Sit down and rest a while. We know you're tired.

We know the story. We know the story. This, that, and them. My mama put me on the pot the wrong way. But we'll put you back together.

Convention committee say we're bound for freedom. Say we're bound for freedom. So we're on our way. Now we got to figure out what we gotta take with us. Because just because you bound don't mean you're gonna get there.

So a lot of addicts in this room is not free. A lot of addicts in this room not free. Attic told me, let me share this with you. I need to get honest. Wonderful.

Self disclosure is an important part of the process. It's a very important part of the process, but it's not the process. You gotta do more than get honest. That's just one principle. That's just one principle.

Addicts in this room been sharing gut level for years, ain't got free yet. Getting focused for sharing. You share. I share honor. I share gut level.

You're gonna have to do more than share. Just because you sharing it don't mean you're releasing it. See, I didn't come to hold you up. I ain't gonna hold you up. You got to get clean because I need you.

I need you. My new house is not gonna say to me, Benjie, I love you. I got a job, but the people on my job is not saying I love you without condition. I got a call, but that car is never gonna say I accept you. I believe in you.

Thank you for being in my life. I need you. And I gotta help you stay clean. When I look into your eyes, I get a better understanding of me. God sent you to me so I can understand myself more clearly.

When I look at your disease, I get a deeper understanding of my disease cause we got the same disease. We got the same disease. I might have one symptom, you might have one symptom. We got the same disease. Some serious stuff going on here.

Some serious stuff going on here. I know we clean up and and get to batting eyes and skinning and grinning, But these are precious moments. Precious moments. Addiction is the number one disease in our civilization. The number one look at this room.

Thousands of addicts in here. Addiction is the number one disease in our civilization. And we meet we meet under these conditions. What a privilege. It's a privilege to meet you under these conditions.

We could have met in the alley, and it would have been on. It would have been on. We meet under these conditions. You may as well make your mind up right now. This is all you got.

You need to look to the left of you, to the right of you, behind you, and in front of you. This is what you got. That's it. We're gonna be together. I'm gonna be with addicts for the rest of my life.

Attics in these rooms cleaning up, I'm gonna be with addicts that's using, but we're gonna be together. We're gonna be together. So I gotta get a program, and you gotta get a program. I gotta get a program, and you gotta get a program. It was a hell of a hit getting here.

I didn't think I was gonna make my way here. I didn't think I was gonna make my way here in desperation. I had lost control of my life. When addiction stepped into my life, I'm talking about addiction. I didn't I didn't say the use when I started using drugs.

I said addiction. I'm talking about disease that don't have no s. It's so big it don't have an s. We didn't say we admitted we're powerless over our addiction. There's no s there.

You better get with that. Why is it why doesn't it say s? We admitted we were powerless over our addiction. Addiction stepped into my life, man. I it took away my ability to choose responsibly.

I ain't talking about the use of drugs. I'm talking about right now. What impulse am I dealing with right now? What urge is plaguing me right now? What am I obsessive and compulsive about right now?

Because I can destroy my life and never use another drug. And never use another drug. You think that's it? That's it? That's just the most obvious symptom.

Sir Alex Dyer in these rooms hadn't done hadn't done no dope in years. Hadn't done no dope in years. I can't choose responsibly. Step 1 is a problem statement. Obsession, compulsion, denial, substitution, unmanageability, that's who I am.

That's my truth. And it's been my truth for a long time. For a long time, that's been my truth. And I ran from Honolulu to Dade County, South Florida, all over the country running from that troop, and it just followed me. It just followed me.

That's who I am. When I was 18 years old, talking about addiction, I had a son. See, I can tell you all the stuff I did in the alley, but one of the things about Benji is, at 18 years old I had a son, and his mother handed him to me. And I wouldn't hold him. I was mad with her because she got pregnant.

Right? I wouldn't hold my own son. No, that's that's that's something there. There's something fundamentally wrong with that. That's who I am.

I ain't got nothing to do with no dope. I lived with a woman for 3 months. For 3 months, this woman fed me. I slept with this woman. She sexed me, and I couldn't remember her name.

It was only last year. It's taken me nearly 13 years for her name. Her name is Vanessa. I know her name today. But I've been waiting for a long time for her name to come back to me.

How could you live with a human being for 3 months For 3 months and not even remember her name? So, sisters, I know that he looks good, but can he be a part of your life? Probably even feels good, But can he be a part of your life? Some say, Probably even tastes good, but can you be a part of my life? So you better look more than if it feels good, looks good, and tastes good.

You better ask him, can he be a part of your life? I met a woman in narcotics, boy meet girl on NA campus. It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen tonight. And I'm not here to tell you to stay out.

I'm here to tell you, you better get a program so you can survive anything that shows up in your life. Because she's she's coming. She's on her way. She's on her way. And you better get a program.

You hear me? You hear me young mother? If she's on her way, You better get a program. When he get he he gonna forget about God's spouse and everything. But I met her.

I had 11 days clean. She had 7 years. And the only thing that was important that I was attracted to her. Who I was wasn't important. I didn't need to get on this with her.

Only thing I need to tell her is, let's do this. And I have never harmed like that before. And I've never harmed like that since. Horrible story. Tragic.

Tragic. But it shaped my life. When you harm like a harm, you got to live in the midst, you got to live in the moon. So all I ask you to do is just be careful. Be careful.

We ain't as well as we look. We ain't as well as we look. See, I'm talking about before the dough. Before the due. 5 years old, I was having sex.

It ain't supposed to be that way, I don't think. Against my will. And I got up from that experience and I went home and I sat at the dinner table, 15 minutes later, and my family didn't know anything had happened. That ain't got nothing to do with dope. See, that's who I am.

That's who I am. When the dope showed up, man, I was happy. For a minute for a minute, I was happy. I was on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Mediterranean. See, I'm talking about forms that addiction take.

So the the boat pulled in, we went out on liberty, and me and my wee wee went to acting out. Me and my wee wee. So when I got back to the ship, they say, You gotta go, dude. You gotta get up out of here. Something ain't right with you strange mannerisms.

You're shifting my ass out of there. I wasn't doing no dope. I'm running the same race you're running as a newcomer. The same thing that threatens you, threaten me. I'm not safe.

I'm not safe. I still have the ability to harm myself and I still have the ability to harm you. Shit. That's why I go to meetings. I got me a program because I I know I messed up some.

I drive a 140 miles to meetings in narcotics and numbers. Programs say I live in Flint, but I said my home group was the Friday night live group in Metropolitan Detroit because that's where I recover. And it's 70 miles one way, and I make 3 meetings a week. A 140 miles one way because I know who I am. Some of y'all doing all this walking, you're walking because you don't know who you are.

If you knew what you were dealing with, you sit your ass down. You knew what you were dealing with. Thank you. I'm always trying to find some deep shit we can't find. Put something on these attic tonight.

We believe that as a fellowship, we have been guided by a greater consciousness. And we are grateful for the direction that has enabled us to build upon a program of recovery. See, there's a lot of addicts. We some some of us still think we have an inferior fellowship. That we've been guided by a greater consciousness.

Addiction. The alcohol is too limited for us. See, our problem is not with a specific substance substance. Not a not with a specific substance. So my mind is turned in the wrong direction.

I thought I liked getting high. And when I lived to say we got high because we didn't have the power not to get high. So we were powerless. We got high because we didn't have the power not to. And once I took the first one, it was on.

And I run from here to Raleigh to get a bump. And none of y'all whoever had it with no problem. See, I ain't had no problem then. If you told me you was a professor at Stanford, I'd tell you I was a a literary student at Harvard. Let's get one.

You know, a real doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde said we were 2 people. You go to Honolulu and they call me Poona. You go to Daytona Beach, and they call me Scholar. You go to Miami, and they call me Oyster. Now what kind of nigga would name himself Oyster?

So I got some problems. I'm talking about me. I actually told them people my name was Oyster. Now why would I do that? And I thought that was so cute.

So I remember one night being at the club. She said, What's your name? I said, My name is Oyster. What happens to you when you eat a oyster? Oh, I thought it was on.

I thought I was player player. And I came to knock out his numbers and found out I wasn't a player, I was a poodle. And a little bit later, I'm a get honest and let you know I was par poodle and par pong, to be get honest. But I thought I was a player. Wife say, you didn't play nobody.

Them women didn't love you. I thought y'all loved me. I thought I was it. My wife say, them women weren't didn't love you. They needed you.

They were desperate. They had to be desperate to fuck with you. And brothers, all y'all players up in here, because she had to be desperate. I wouldn't have want and I wouldn't have been attracted to her if she wasn't desperate. But I thought she loved me.

Yeah, you got 3 or 4, 3 or 4 desperate women that need a programmer, not the ice anonymous. You don't have to be that way. Hey, I wouldn't bring in nothing to the table, laying up in your bed flipping your remote control, driving your car, walking around my old dry, rusty coins on my foot, walking on your floor, only your damn refrigerator. Think I'm running suck. Just because you don't wanna be alone with my little wee wee.

But I tell you that you the Duke professor. I'm the Harvard literary student. You was a cowboy. You had your cowboy hat on, your cowboy boots. I put me a cowboy hat on, cowboy boots, said, let's get one.

That's what kind of addict I was. I worked with whatever that was working. I looked at my little my little brothers around here switching this weekend. I was thinking, how would a guy with you 2? I woulda saw you.

Stand up. Stand on up. You better switch it all weekend. Stand up. Let me tell you what I would have told you.

I would I would put on my little took out my little drawers and put on my little tight jeans. I would have told you, Why don't you give me one, man? Go get me one. It sets you up that little thing where you swivel up after I took that bump. You could have been the KKK.

I'd have wrapped the sheet around my black ass to say, let's go get one. But then I wanna come to knock out his numbers and I can't get with you now. Now I got a problem with you. Now I got a problem with you. See, I ain't have no problem with you then.

I ain't have no problem. Where Tom Cruise at? There he is over there by 18 days, brother. White white white man right there. Stand up for a minute, brother.

How many days you got cleaned? How many days? 15 days clean. See, he thought he was Tom Cruise. 19 days, he thought he was Tom Cruise.

Matt Damien, her being a white boy in America. We're glad you're here. We gotta have some empathy. There's something else, boy. Nicolas Cage, you fuck around and thank you Nicolas Cage.

If you want, you're gonna end up right in Nakai Sanlamas. See? But we say welcome. What we say is we understand. We understand.

Full flight from reality. I was a nut in a rut. I couldn't be trusted. Just just off the chain. And I came to knock Hyatt's Anonymous and I found you.

And you're putting me back together. You're putting me back together. See, I can laugh now but wasn't that funny when I dropped 1? Have you ever dropped 1? Have you ever dropped 1?

One time I dropped one, man. I dropped it, man. Look here. And I couldn't find it. That's that's a hurting thing, ain't it?

They dropped 1. Anybody relate? I dropped it. Right? I couldn't find it.

So I went to the store. I got me a 150 50 watt light bulb. Come on. For real. I put that damn 150 watt light bulb on it.

I couldn't find it, man. Look. I took the whole goddamn cockpit outside in the middle of the day. I had to find it, y'all. Have you ever dropped 1?

That's a hell of a hit, man. That's a hell of a hit. Thank you. Do y'all identify? Yes.

So I can get on in the process of recovery now? Yes. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. We admitted we're powerless over our addiction. Our lives have become unmanageable. Powerless. Used because I didn't have the power not to.

Came to narcotics anonymous and found the power. Where's the power? In the steps, in the literature, in the fellowship, in sponsorship, in our meetings. Do that while you're on your way to freedom. You gotta take something with you.

That's what you gotta take with you. You gotta get a sponsor, somebody that believes in you. Not somebody you believe in, somebody that believes in you. Because see, I can believe you can believe in me, and I don't care nothing about you. So make sure you get a sponsor that believes in you, that that that that that wants this program, that's excited about this program.

And that's who you run with. You gotta take the 3 Indispicables with you. You got to be open minded. So when I say something, you just if you don't understand it, just be open to it. Be open minded.

Stay open. God, I don't know, but I'm open. Be willing to do whatever it takes. Just like you was willing to do what it took then, you gotta be willing. And don't fight your sponsor when he challenged your willingness.

See, I got fired 3 weeks ago because I told the dude, Look, he quit his job. He said, My car ain't working. I don't have a way to work. I quit the job. So I said, hold up, man.

How how far do you how far is your job from where you live? He told me 7 miles. I said, well, why don't you walk to work? He wasn't ready for that. He he didn't have that kind of willingness.

Said he had conditions on his recovery. I'll work if you give me a car. I'll do it under these conditions. So he got his feelings hurt because I suggested that he walk to work. He was offended by that.

He was offended. And I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I was just telling him, what do you think would happen to you if you were to demonstrate that kind of willingness? What you think God will do for you? But he was offended.

You see, I I I don't know how to do it anyway. I told you I'd drive a 140 miles for me to not call you synonymous. And I'm not sharing that with you to try and give you the impression I'm some hell of a hell of a hit. I'm just telling you what the program of narcotics anonymous, how it will inspire you if you got one. My life is on the line.

I do that because I'm inspired by your life. It's the most important room that I live in. Ain't no room like this room to me. Ain't no room like the rooms of Narcari Synanonios to me. And I was in the room with Colin Powell last year.

I was in the room with the president of of our country last year. I sat in the room with miss America. I called the mayor of Flint. I called him at home whenever I feel like it. Senators, congressmen, that's why I didn't recover in Flint.

Because I'm a businessman in Flint. I'm a community leader in Flint. And I'm one of these addicts that benefit enormously from the principle of anonymity. And I can't recover anonymously in the city that I live, so I gotta drive to Detroit. And you hear me talking about my wee wee and this and that.

I ain't got no business trying. I need a little anonymity. I can't take that shit to my job. So I've I've been in some rooms. I get the opportunity that I was in I was on Capitol Hill last week.

So I go to some rooms, but ain't no rooms like these rooms. See, that's not who I am. I'm not a business leader. I'm an addict. That's why I go to meetings.

That's why I'm still working the program of Mount Sinai. If I was who they thought I was, I might just stay at home and and, I got a pretty sexy ass wife. I stay home and be who they think I am. But I like abandoned building. Sleazy people.

Sleazy people. I just you guys get me in them, some front of some some sleeves right around, some sleazy people, I just light up like a damn Christmas tree. No, man. I'm telling you, I'm I'm serious. God is working with me, and you all are working with me.

But I I still want some things for me that ain't good for me. I still want some stuff that ain't good for me. Most dangerous part of me is my will. I had to get on to the 3rd step. I had to find his will.

I had to find his will. Because this is stuff that I want, man. Look at here. And it's some stuff that you want that'll kill you. Just think about it.

You you know we got some stuff that feels good to us, but it ain't good for us. So, see, I can't do my will. I eat every damn thing in Winn Dixie on my will. Sometimes I wanna do that. Sometimes I wanna do that.

So I got to I got to make a decision to live God's will. I gotta make the decision, and then I got to work the rest of the time trying to live that decision. So I so I came to believe. The process of coming to believe was was it wasn't difficult for me. When you got your ass tore down like me, when I came in the room to knock out his numbers, I was sweetly reasonable.

You could reason with me. Some of y'all we still can't reason with. That's okay. That's okay. It's coming.

Sometime before you ride that horse, you gotta break them. Right? And we're gonna break. Addiction is gonna bring us to our knees. It's designed to do that.

So I ain't even gonna ask you to keep coming back. You coming back. You coming back. You don't have nowhere else to go. There is nowhere else for us to go.

There ain't nowhere else for us to go. And you're gonna find God. All you gotta do is keep using or keep coming. But you're gonna find God. I ain't worried about that.

It's not difficult to find God. It's not difficult to find God. Impossible to escape him. It's impossible to escape God. Don't worry about it.

Just keep using. Just keep using. Restore me understanding. See, I thought all that 6 and 7 step stuff was was what was crazy about me. Not 6 and 7 stuff.

The stuff that was crazy about me, what I need to be restored to is this idea that alcohol is a beverage. See, that's that's what I need fixed, The part of me that associates using with pleasure. The part of me that gets a hard on when I see a joint. And then you're gonna call me. Don't call me with a hard on, talking about you at the hotel room and you you think about you.

And I tell you, get on get off and come on to the meetings. See, I got to deal with that part of me that associates using with pleasure. Out of all the shit that happened to me and all the things that I know is going to happen to me and all the things that I've seen happen to you. And I still wanna get home. I got a mental illness.

Something wrong with my mind. And that's the part of me that needs to be restored to sanity. So if that's where you at right now, you need to ask God to give you enough sense not to pick up. Because there's addicts right in this room right now that don't have enough sense not to pick up. Don't have enough sense not to pick up.

You don't have to be always serene and and highly evolved in here and have this expanded sense of awareness and all of that. But you got to be sick as hell to pick up. You should. And that's what I need to be restored to sanity. And then I move on to my 3rd step, where I make a decision to live a life of spiritual surrender.

I'm coming out a 3rd step surrender, The second surrender, a deeper surrender. See, in the first step, all I do is surrender to the problem, which is addiction, compulsion, obsession, unmanageability. That step 1 is nothing but a problem statement. So I surrender to the problem. And the 3rd step, I surrender to the solution, which is a life of spiritual surrender, not self improvement.

Not self improvement. Now what is the difference between spiritual surrender and self improvement? We need to clarify that because many of our member many of our members are living a program of self improvement. That's when I go to Duke and get a PhD. And there's nothing wrong with that.

We must do that. That's when I go to ballads and give me a membership and I start working out. And I give me a few, you know, gators or whatever you, whatever your stuff is. I'm coming up. Y'all say that in Charlotte, coming up.

So all I've done is come to narcotics anonymous and take, take, take, take my house, my car, my relationship. All I think about is me. The N. A. Opera.

Me, me, me, me. So I'm experiencing a lot of outer fulfillment. I don't have no prejudice. I don't have a problem with the material world. Because I know that the material world and the spiritual world can coexist.

So don't get it twisted here. I'm not tell I don't I'm not telling you not to have a material experience or that there's something wrong with outer fulfillment. What I'm I'm asking you to do, I'm trying to provoke you to make sure you understand when our literature say that we put our spiritual development first and all other areas of our life will progress naturally. I'm telling you to trust that. I'm telling you to trust that.

I'm talking about living I'm talking about the difference between ambition and inspiration. I'm so I'm asking you to live a life of inspiration, not ambition. It's already here. I ain't got to go and create romance and I ain't got I got a creator. We have a creator.

I don't have to create anything. All I got to do is position myself under the grace. It's coming. Decision to live my life according to God's will, to live a life of spiritual surrender. Why?

Because addiction is a spiritual problem. It is a spiritual problem, and only a spiritual solution is going to work. Only a spiritual solution is going to work. See, I know that. Because I tried all kind of solutions, intellectual solutions.

In the end, for me, I had the Bible in one room. I had all kind of scholarship. I was studying under multi genius, some of the best minds on this planet, and I had all of my academic literature. I was a graduate student at the University of Hawaii, working on a master's in criminology. And I was the brightest student in my class.

But I couldn't stop using. I couldn't stop using. I understood every goddamn thing when I came to. When I got to Narcotics Anonymous, I knew everything. Or I thought I knew everything.

And I knew quite a bit. I had a lot of intellectual knowledge. But this is not an intellectual problem. So it doesn't matter how wise you are. It doesn't matter how wise you are, or how many PhDs you got, or where you were.

So I couldn't stop using. I couldn't stop using. So I had to surrender to the solution, which is spiritual surrender. And then I had to go in as the 4th step. And I had to take a pencil, or a paper, or a pen, and I had to simply write.

I I let go of how I'd spell, what I couldn't spell, what I'd spell, just simply wrote. And then I took it to my sponsor. And he looked at me and he said, I love you more. He said, I love you even more, Benji, because you trusted me. See, I trusted him.

For the first time, I trusted another human being. I had done every damn thing. That was the only thing I hadn't done. I never trusted another person. I never trusted another person.

And I understood defects. And I understood that they were gonna rob me of my freedom. And I started asking God to make me a harmless person, so that I wouldn't harm you and I wouldn't harm me. And I worked through that. I worked right there and I still live there.

Now when I went to the second step, I brought 1 with me. When I went to 3, I brought 123 with me. I don't lead the steps I bring them with me because I got to learn how to refer to the steps. The only step I'm not working today is 4, 5, and 8. Any given situation, I have to go when I'm when I'm in doubt.

I go to my second step and I said, you know, I'm not believing right now. I need to deepen my commitment to my 2nd step. When I'm compulsive, I gotta go to my 3rd step and recommit myself to this decision. I have to live in 10. When the opportunity presents itself, I gotta go to 9.

When the pain comes into my life, it moves me invariably to a deeper devotion. So I gotta go to 11. And I just ask for God's will for my life. And then I do my god's will for my life. So I'm living with inspiration.

I don't go with a ambitious list. I don't go with ambition. I don't have to ask God for anything. It's on the way. The check's in the mail.

God's got more. I know He has more. So I don't have to sit around begging. I don't have to sit around begging God. So I got a relationship with the step on my way to freedom, bound to freedom.

I need a relationship with the steppes. I need a relationship with the literature. I need a relationship with you. I need a relationship with sponsorship. And then the newcomer shows up, and I need the newcomer to show up for me.

See, the newcomer is the most important person at our meeting. Why is he the most important person? So we sing, oh, Newcomer bless you, baby. You the new you're the most important person. You're such a baby.

I'm a big boy, you a baby. That ain't the spirit of this principle. The newcomer comes to save me. He comes to give me an opportunity to get out of my steps, Senator Ed. See, as I carry the program with you, as I share the program of narcotics with narcotics anonymous with you, it becomes more real for me.

Seems like I'm giving it to you, but I'm giving it to me. See, at the end of the day, I believe in the program more deeply. I don't know what you do with it. But at the end of the day, I stay clean. I stay clean.

And then you do your 5th step with me. And guess what happens when you do your 5th step with me? I get my self acceptance. I be I'm able to accept myself more deeply when you share your life with me, when you share your stuff with me. And I'm sitting there at your 1 year anniversary.

See? I'm sitting there at your 1 year anniversary with my chair is poked out. And you get up, pick up your chip and you say, I wanna thank my sponsor for the role that he's playing in my life. And all of a sudden, I feel like a human being now. I'm feeling more human because you've given me purpose.

You've given me an opportunity to participate in your life. That's what I need. 12 step, helping others is the highest aspiration of the human heart, something we've been entrusted with as a result of a higher power working in our lives. Helping others is our deepest desire. Did you hear that?

Now I got to get a program to get there. That's what it say. Page 121, helping others is our highest aspiration. That something happens to me when I serve you. See, I'm not doing you a favor by loving you.

The best thing I can do for me is to love you. The best thing that I can do for me is to love you. Not doing you a favor. I'm so wonderful and I'm so spiritual. I do it because the check is in the mail.

I figured out by loving you, God does something for me. Just like I know by rejecting you, I get constipated. But I think it's cute to reject you. Share it with Wyatt that I was gonna put him on the spot tonight. You all, and particularly those of you who live here in the Charlotte area.

Why? He's a product of your love. Look what you have made. Your love made him. He's a product of your love, and you need to look at this.

And I told him this afternoon, I want you to start asking them, telling them to love somebody else the way they love you. Now what would happen if you start loving somebody else the way you love him? You're gonna create another you're gonna create another him in these rooms. You did that, and you ought to feel good about that. And there's a lesson in that.

That's what happens when you love it at it. We get I'm gonna get better when you start loving me. But I'm a stay as sick as you say I am until you start loving me. I'm a stay sick. And until I start loving you, you can stay sick too.

You can read all day long. And then on the other side of that is I don't need your love. It ain't your responsibility to love me. On one hand, I need your love because that's what's healing me. That's why I identify with him because I know what it means to be a member of narcotics anonymous and be loved.

I've been getting loved since the day I walked in this fellowship, and your love has made me who I am. But at the same time, I I I let you love me because I understand that it's your heart that's open. It's your heart that's expanding. So I I I watched how he allow you all to love him. And I said, you know what?

That's beautiful. Let them love you. The best thing they can do for themselves is to love you. It ain't about him. It ain't about me.

But I also understand that, you know what? It ain't your responsibility to love me. Your love is a gift. So if you give it to me, I accept it. I receive it.

But if you don't give it to me, you know what? I'm okay. I can't get upset because you don't love me. I just started doing it. I ain't been doing it for 5 minutes.

I just started loving me, treated myself like a trash can all my life. Now I got a resentment because you don't love me. Something is fundamentally wrong with that. You gotta we gotta get with our sponsors and the men and women in our network so they can help us work past that. Just like I sit around in meetings and analyze your darkness and describe your darkness, and point at you.

Look, God, guilty guilty, God don't need a police force. God don't need a police force. What I need to do is to illuminate your life. If you if you in darkness, what I need to do is step into your step into your range with my life. Since I'm so goddamn a lumen, why don't I light up your life?

You might see something if I put my light on you. But see, what it is is I ain't got no light. That's why you and Dar. But then I wanna come and share about where you at. Your disease.

How your disease got you trapped. How your disease got you trapped. And, oh, Sally got Sally in the grip. And then I missed the hit because you know what? I got the same disease Sally got.

And if the disease got Sally in the grip, and I'm so busy looking at Sally, I'm a miss the hit and realize, you know what? If Sally disease can do that to her, I've gotta make another meeting. Because if her disease can take her there and I got the same disease she got, then it can take me there. You see? We're living our lives with enormous grace.

I'm not gonna hold you up. I'm gonna get ready to close here. We're living our lives with enormous grace, talking about amazing grace. You gotta take care of one another. You gotta go back to your home group as soon as possible or a group and find out who set up the chairs and tell them thank you.

Find out who made the coffee and tell them thank you. Find out who made the phone lit and tell them thank you. When the last time you told a trusted servant thank you. We've been served here this weekend. We didn't do anything.

We just showed up, and they had the place prepared for us. We strolling these meetings, man. We forgot. Somebody cleaned the bathroom for me to use. Right?

Go to a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous and find out who cleaned the bathroom and tell them thank you. We show up 30 minutes late smelling good, looking good, stroll in there with this sense of entitlement. We're so deep. And then we leave before the meeting is over so we don't know who picked up a white chair because we gone. Or we drop our wisdom and then we gone.

Because we haven't learned to listen to each other. That's too much to ask. So we gotta take care of our trusted service. Ain't but 10% of them serving our fellowship. So at least we can thank them for serving us.

I want you to go to a meeting as soon as possible. Find an addict that's in the rooms that feels as though they are all alone and convince them that they're not. Convinced them that they're not. It's our responsibility. God didn't clean us up for us to get up here and celebrate ourselves and stand on top of our new car, say, look at me.

There's a responsibility that comes with this clean time. The responsibility that comes with this clean time. To whom much is given, much is required. Yeah. See why it has a tremendous responsibility.

Do you realize how much responsibility comes with me? That you all have given me a microphone and you've given me this podium and you've given me this stage. I have a responsibility to live my life in a congruent way. It's a whole lot of responsibility. That's why I have to go to meetings in Narcotics Anonymous.