Steps 3, 4 and 5 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

Alright. Hi. My name is Joanne, and I am an alcoholic. My sober date is May 11, 1994. I celebrated, 8 years this past weekend.

So, well, I didn't really celebrate. I just went to a big book meeting, actually last night, because I always try to get to a meeting on my anniversary regardless of where I am. Last year, I happened to be white water rafting on the Youghiogheny, and it took me about 2 hours to find a meeting in Somerset County as it was in Pennsylvania. But I did get to a meeting, and it was wonderful. And this year, I celebrated in Lehigh Valley where I live now in Allentown at a Facebook meeting.

Actually, my cell I celebrated kinda last night. I take I started last year, last summer. I accepted a commitment to rehab. It's It's a I guess it's a parole rehab. People who are in jail are offered the opportunity to go to this rehab and they're from all over the United States, but pretty much from the Pennsylvania area.

And, we're the first people to take a big book meeting there. So, I go in there with some of, the women I sponsor and some of my friends, and, we share with them our experience, strength, and hope from the big book. So last night, and it's kinda traditional for us to go out to dinner first, so, a bunch of my proteges took me out to dinner last night. So that was really my celebration, and my sponsor bought me there tonight, so I'm really making out well. And and the fellowship is the important part.

It's always nice to go out to a meal with people who are on this path with us and, you know, share what's going on in our lives and, the blessings we have and what's going and, you know, how things are starting to grow for us. And, as I shared last week, when I moved to the Lehigh Valley, it was kind of hard for me because I was a fish out of water and it was hard to find a meeting that stood up to my great Berkeley Heights Into Action group, which had been my home group, for a couple of years. And, I started to to really get connected once I started to sponsor people out there. And, I kind of followed them around to meetings because I didn't know what meetings to go to anyway. So it was kind of the opposite of the way it's supposed to work where most people carry the alcoholic to the message.

And that's how they end up carrying this message. And actually I was carrying this message while I was following them around to whatever meeting they went to. So it was a little different. But, other than one of my basic rules is that, if it's in the big book it's in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you can't find it in the big book, maybe it's good advice.

Maybe it isn't. I don't have any proof. But one of the great things, that I love about, the way the big book is laid out and the program is laid out and it was one of the things that, Brenda had said earlier because she said when she went to rehab she didn't know what was going to happen. She didn't know what the results would be. And one of the things that they do for us and over and over again in our book and in a lot of our literature is to tell us what's going to happen if we do what it says and if we follow the directions.

And then sometimes like with the 3rd step, afterwards come the warnings which is really kind of fun because it's almost like they do the sales job and they say, well, you know, it's like these are all the great things you're gonna get if you do this and this is how you do it. And by the way, you know, these things might happen also. Tonight I'm going to share about steps 3, 4, and 5. Just in case people weren't here last week, I am a drunk. I drank a lot.

I told a couple of stories last week to confirm that for anyone who didn't believe it. It's it's it's very difficult when someone's sober for a while, to look at them and realize that they were once that, as it says and I love this line. It says a trembling, despairing wreck. And that's what I was when I got here. Actually, Alcoholist Anonymous came to get me.

I I had married my best drinking partner ever. We lived very well. We lived in Westfield, New Jersey, which is a very affluent affluent town, in a very big house. You know, we had a Jaguar and a Mercedes. He had a good job.

I had a good job. But as things around us started to physically fall apart as far as that shell of success. His family started to his family was the first to notice. Basically, I started withdrawing from people so that, things wouldn't be too apparent. And, his sister, my sister-in-law had gotten sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and she determined that her brother needed it too.

And she arranged an intervention for him and excluded me, because she saw me as part of the problem. Well, this really ticked me off because, you know, I knew that he had a problem and I also knew that it wasn't you know, I didn't have it either. You know? And what happened was I was able to, he ended up going to rehab. And while he was there, I furthered my, belief in a lie by stopping drinking for that time period.

It It was not fun at all. But I determined that I could do this on my own willpower. But you know what? I didn't like it. I really didn't like it.

And, I always have to remember that when I think, about how I can describe this to another person when I'm working with them because that's what I have to remember was how I felt inside. And I found out when I was working step 1 that that's the unmanageability part. That awful, awful, awful feeling that I was left with inside when I took that alcohol away and I had nothing to replace it. And, that was for me, the beginning of finding out how powerless I was over alcohol. Because once I did start drinking again because I did.

I couldn't stay. I stopped. You know. Once I started drinking again, I then started to really notice, because I had a little bit of exposure of to Al Anon because I went to the family program on my, he's now my ex, was in, the rehab. I started to real I used to I started to see the manifestation of how uncontrolled my drinking was and how insatiable it was and how much it controlled me.

And that for me was the really scary part. So, 10 minutes later, I entered rehab for the first time. I understood the step 1 part. I understood the step 2 part. I understood the step 3 part.

And I came out and I started to, go to meetings and I got a sponsor And, I got a home group and I celebrated my 90 days and I spoke at the podium. And I did all the things that AA was telling me to do. And my sponsor, you know, told me that I needed to wait. You know, I needed to, you know, get calm and, you know, get things under control and all this kind of stuff and then we'd start working the steps soon. This is not meant to be an indictment of anyone else's program.

This is just my personal story. And what happened was after about 10 months of hanging on and hanging on and hanging on, I just couldn't stand it anymore because I was dying inside. And here I was without the thing that always fixed that for me, You know? And I didn't have anything else to replace it. And today I know that that's working this program and that's the only thing that's ever worked for alcoholics.

Ever. You know, I mean, you can look in the Bible and you can see, you know, the description of an alcoholic. In the Bible, humankind has had this problem ever since forever, you know, in the Old Testament. And nothing ever worked until Alcoholics Anonymous came along. And thank God I was born after it was invented and I didn't have to suffer forever like all those other hospice alcoholics.

But what happened was because I wasn't working the program, I drank. I drank one Friday night, and I poured myself, a really tall glass of vodka with a couple of ice cubes in it and a splash of orange juice on top. That's how I like to drink. To this day, I still can't drink orange juice because it just tastes funny, you know, You know? Without that vodka, and it just doesn't taste right.

So so I still don't drink orange juice. Anyway, I drank one of those and I drank another one. And, I don't really remember a whole lot of what happened that night. I was still married to my husband at the time, and, he never really could stay sober. So, he was probably in and out of 5 or 6 rehabs at this point.

And, my life was my insides were unmanageable. My life was unbearable. So, I woke up the next morning and I had this massive hangover. And being a good alcoholic of still of an alcoholic mind, I said, well, that's it. From now on, we're buying better vodka.

Because he hadn't been working, so, of course, the only thing in the house has been the vodka. So from that point on, whenever I wanted to drink, I went and I got some good stuff. That went on for about 6 months until alcohol, as they say, brought me to a state of reasonableness. God reached out his hand one morning and I woke up. I didn't know what day it was.

I didn't know how many days it had been since I had gone to work. I didn't know whether or not I had called in the day before to tell them I wasn't coming. But I did call rehab I had been in and I talked to my counselor and she said, I heard you're out there. Come on in. And I cried and I said, I can't because I had already been drinking.

Or, you know, I said I had already been drinking, of course, because I couldn't be honest, you know. I just was stalling. And, what I did was I got in the car, though, the next morning. And, this rehab, was 8 miles from my house and I drove up there and, at that point, I was ready to work the steps. I knew from talking to Alice that that's what I needed to do because we sat down that day and we talked what had happened and what was going on and what went wrong.

And she said, Okay. What do you want to do? And I said, I just don't ever wanna feel like this again. I don't wanna drink anymore. And she said, Okay.

Well, this is what you're gonna have to do. We're gonna have to work these steps. And, I did, as they do in rehabs, I did this big written step 1. I did a written step 2. I did a written 3.

After my first weekend, I was just doing my, I was just beginning to, you know, calm down. She hadn't given me any homework to do or anything yet. And I spent because I drove up there on a Friday. Saturday and Sunday, no counselors are there. And I can remember just listening to all these people talk about how they couldn't you know, they were counting the days till they got out, you know, because a lot of them were there because they were trying to avoid going to jail or whatever, you know, and they just couldn't wait, you know, they were just counting their time till they could get out of the rehab.

They weren't there because they wanted to get sober. I got really resentful about that because don't these people understand this is what we're supposed to be here for because of course I knew what they needed. Yeah. Anyway, you know, so I expressed this to Alice on Monday morning. She just said to me, what are you here for?

Are you here for them or are you here for you? And I said, well, you know, but they should. And she's like, are you here for them? Are you here for you? And I said, I'm here for me.

So, you know, that's something I always need to remember is, you know, if if I don't stay sober and I don't do the things that I need to stay sober, nothing in my world around me is going to get better. You know? And that was a really important lesson for me is that, you know, I need to work these steps for me and, you know, up until the point where I go out and make amends and then, you know, I need to do that for them. I need to do the best I can to set those situations right. But, I needed to do this for me and I need to get sober for me and first.

And so, I did my 4th and 5th step while I was there, also. And, 6 and 7 and then left there doing my amends. So that's a little quickie on my personal history and a review of all last week. Step 1, basically for me was coming to understand that I had a disease. That it wasn't just bad.

That it wasn't a lack of, moral fiber or a lack of character or a lack of willpower, but the fact that I have a disease that a lot of other people don't have. That, yes, I am different than other people. I didn't want to be different. I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to be like the other kids on the block.

You know? I wanted to go out and play with them. You know? I wanted to go out to the bars when they went out to the bars. But you know what?

I can't can't do it because, it's just like if a diabetic wanted to eat a whole chocolate cake. You know? If they can't, they can't. You know? And it's like me.

I can't drink one drink because if I drink that one drink, what happens is it sets off a physical craving in my body. And when I found that out it was such a relief to know that it was a physical disease. That it wasn't. That I was bad. You know?

For so long I just thought that there was just something wrong with me that I just couldn't be a good person. You know? And I suffered with that guilt for so long until I found found out that I have a disease. And then finding out that I needed the help of a higher power to overcome the mental obsession that always drove me back to drink. That was step 2.

And the question was, you know, really having understood this disease and that I'm powerless over the alcohol on my own because what happens is if I take the drink, I don't know how much I'm gonna drink. If I try to control how much I'm drinking, I'm not gonna enjoy it. And that was the part that really, really stunk, you know? Because I I want to be like other people. I want to be able to control my drinking and enjoy it.

Well, that won't ever happen for me. It won't. And I had to accept that. So acceptance was the beginning, you know, acceptance of that fact. You know?

It's like telling somebody, you know, that they've got cancer and they're gonna have to undergo chemotherapy and all their hair is gonna fall out and all those horrible things that are gonna happen. You know, I've got alcoholism. And, you know, what's the worst that can happen? I get to be friends with all you wonderful people, you know? But I didn't see it that way then, you know?

I was I just, you know because all I knew was drinking. And I kept believing the lie that I was going to be able to enjoy my drinking one more time. I kept believing that lie, you know? And when I would go without drinking for a while I was always left, you know, when, you know, they say when you take the alcohol out of the alcoholic all you're left with is the ick. You know?

And I just couldn't live in the ick. You know? So now the question was, you know, that of course is the mental obsession because we believe that part that we have we can one more time enjoy our drinking and not get into trouble. So that's that's what drives us back. Even though we've been able to stop for a while, we get driven back.

And the other thing that drives that drove me back was the spiritual malady and the spiritual malady for me was that feeling of not being good enough not, being afraid of people. Not knowing if people liked me. It will be listening to them thinking at me. I love that one. You know?

I could hear them thinking at me, you know? And I knew and I knew it wasn't good. And, you know, just being scared. Just being scared, you know. And it wasn't just scared.

It was paranoid, you know. Those days when, you know, not wanting wanting to answer the door, not wanting to I mean I never answered the phone anymore. You know, the answering machine picked it up and then I decided if I was gonna, a, get the messages or, b, call them back, whoever it was. And I was completely isolated from my family. I really didn't have any friends left.

I had people that I knew would be at a bar at a certain bar at a certain time. You know? I had those kind of friends. But, that, you know, that spiritual malady that was the real part that I really just couldn't live within the remorse and the guilt over all the things that I knew I had done wrong. That I just didn't know what to do about them.

And I certainly had too much pride to go and admit it to anyone, you know, because I'm, you know, I was right. You know, I had that self justification, as well as the self pity. You know, I knew that, you know, God had inflicted this on me because I was bad. This was my punishment. You know, all of all the stuff that I had pulled, this was my punishment.

And to understand that I have a disease wiped all that away and it was such a relief. But then I had to get something to help me overcome all the ache. And that was step 2. And step 2 was, you know, coming to believe in the God of my understanding. That he could give me the power to get, past all of that powerlessness over the alcohol, that thing that would always drive me back to taking that first drink.

So here I have a choice. Now we're at step 3. Final. Step 3 is our choice. We have to choose.

We have to be willing to make a choice. You know, Do we wanna continue with the old belief system which is that, yes, I'm powerless over alcohol? Because that's what I really believed was I'm powerless over alcohol. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm just going to die this way.

You know? Or, b, 2, if I can get some access to this power greater than myself that I call god because I'm comfortable with that word. It certainly isn't the god that I had a concept of when I was 12 or 22 or even 32 or 38 when I first got here. It changes for me as my relationship with him grows. But back then it was something greater than myself that could restore me to sanity and that would be the sanity of not needing to go and get that drink, being able to live in my own skin.

So that was the choice. Well, for me, of course, the choice was easy because I knew that I couldn't live the way I was living that I was going to I didn't want to die and I didn't want to continue to live that way. So for me the choice was easy. So I did step 3. I said the prayer.

I said, God, you know, please come and help me. And that's basically all it was. You know, I wasn't sitting there with a big book. You know, I wasn't with somebody who was reading the big book with me. I wasn't I did certainly didn't do all of the work right out of there or from the get go.

But I did the start. I started and I said, God, please help me. Forgive me for everything I've done and help me with this. And I can remember for weeks after that, if I could just sit and close my eyes and think about God and try to determine what my concept of it was because I worked really hard at that one. You know, I think I worked at that a little too hard.

But I think a lot of alcoholics do that, you know, because we gotta get it all. We gotta figure it all out. And, you know, I was trying to figure out, you know, what's god so what is it? What is it? How how what kind of god do I have?

And what's my concept of a higher power? You know, I kind of was in that for a while, but I would just try to sit quietly and think of, you know, if I could imagine the best friend in the world, world, what would I want that to be? And I started with that. And I can remember sitting quietly and feeling the way I could remember feeling when I was about 3 years old and my daddy used to take me into his lap. And I would just feel really secure and loved and comforted.

And it was this real physical feeling that I had when I took step 3. And, I can go there in meditation now when I feel scared. You know? I try to go back to that place where I felt that. Go back to that place in my mind, in my heart.

And for me, that was the essence of step 3 because really it was a decision for me to go forward with the rest of the steps because I knew because I was looking at this woman who I knew, this woman Alice, who I knew 17 years before had been where I was sitting. You know? She felt that way. She drank the way I did. And certainly her life was a bigger mess than mine was.

You know? And she was filled with the joy of life. You know? Her eyes sparkled and she was just happy to be alive. And you could just tell that everything that she did she loved doing and she enjoyed it.

You know, regardless I mean, not that everything in her life was perfect. Not that she had the perfect husband or the perfect kids or but she had, you know, everything in her life. She enjoyed everything in her life. And that's what I wanted. I just wanted to be happy.

You know? And I thought that if I could do the steps that that would happen for me. Maybe I could have a little piece of that too. So I made the decision and I said, All right, God. Please take my will.

Take my thoughts. Take my actions. What do I have to do? So, you know, it doesn't mean that I give up my willpower, because willpower is what keeps me coming to AA meetings. Willpower is what, you know, made me drive across the state of New Jersey tonight from Pennsylvania.

Willpower is what, you know, when I moved to Lehigh Valley, willpower is what, you know, made me go into a dozen different AA rooms where I knew nobody and sit there and stick my hand out, you know. Willpower is how I started these steps but it's the correct aligning of my will with the will of God. That is the essence of step 3. I was trying to find out what his will is for me and doing that. So I believed at that point something very simple and that was I had the right inventory.

That's what I was told to do and that's what I did. I looked out of rehab and I had this, like, big, like, half inch knob on that finger, you know, your pencil finger. It took, like, 9 months for that thing to go away, you know? And now it's like, you know, I'm always putting cream there because I still think that it's there, you know. But I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.

And, you know, I did I did a rehab inventory, you know, whatever. I was told, you know, to look at 7 different areas of my life and to, you know, figure out what, I needed to keep, what I needed to change, and what I needed to get rid of. And that was, really, really instrumental for me. One of the things that I suffered from at that time, and I say suffered from, and that was the fact that I was in abusive alcoholic marriage. So my, my counselor was very gentle with me, and because she understood that being in the abusive situation I was in I had, a lot of the things that Al Anon's have.

And I see that now because for about 2 years after that I also went to Al Anon and, participated in Al Anon family groups because that was really instrumental for me in, looking at both sides of what damage and what soul sickness for me needed to be repaired and correcting those things and taking the actions that both of those programs, they it's the same program, but it comes out from a different aspect. And for me that was really important for me to do that because coming out of, an abusive alcoholic marriage which I did. I did it, on leaving the rehab at that point I did get a restraining order against my husband, so that he couldn't come back and keep doing what he had been doing, which for me was another really huge step in recovery. Because up until that point, I haven't been willing to make that change. And a lot of this is about change.

I did my 5th step with my counselor and, she pointed out a lot of things that I had missed. And like I said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was really, really, really, really down on myself. I was way over you know, I know a lot of times when I hear inventory these days it's more difficult to get the person to see the 4th column as it shows in the big book about where they were selfish or inconsiderate or self seeking or filled with fear. And basically all I could see was that. You know, I really couldn't see anything about me that was worthwhile at the wall.

I was totally on the other end of the spectrum. And I know now that that too, self absorption, is also a manifestation of ego. So, I had to be brought you know, this program is all about balance and about getting to the middle. Because as people who are alcoholics or alanons, we tend to live at one end of the spectrum or the other. Things are black or they're white.

They're good or they're bad. You know, we're either like really excited about something or totally depressed. You know, it's it's like, you know and I was way down on one end of that scale and it was all about coming towards the middle, you know. You know, I could be running around and I could be like, oh, you know, at a meeting or something and then, you know, I'd go home and 2 hours later I'd be, you know, nobody loves me, you know, the whole deal. You know, we're like, an hour before, you know, I knew I was the star.

So, you know, newcomers were like that. But as things progressed, you know, I've been through the step process several times since then. And one of the things that I've noticed as I've done inventory in a 4 column format, which is the way the big book suggests, where we write down all of the people, institutions, and principles with which we are angry and then we write down why and then we write down what parts of self were affected and then we write down, where were we at fault? Where were we inconsiderate? Where were we frightened?

Where were we self seeking? Where were we selfish? And I notice one of the best parts about inventory is getting it on paper. Because I still have, a tendency to kind of just melt things over in my head. You know, and I'll think about it and I'll think about it and as I think about it over and over and over and over again day after day after death it changes.

And, and you know I still have a tendency to go back to that. And, it's very detrimental to my mental health and my spiritual well-being. So it's really important to get it out on paper and get it out on paper soon, quickly, as soon as something happens. It's even more beneficial that if I know right away because I have that little you know that little thing inside me nowadays and, of course, you know, this is the 10 step, but I have that little thing inside me nowadays that kinda says, oh, you shouldn't have said that. You know?

Or, You know, that didn't come out quite right, you know? Or, Maybe I could have done this a little differently or I could have done this a little better. And, if I can do that right away and, you know, say I'm sorry to the person right away, you know, if I don't let my pride get in the way, if I'm not already pissed at them for something they said to me 2 weeks ago and now is just further proof. You know? You know, it's it's so much better for my spiritual health because I still do have a tendency to, justify myself and, you know, make myself the hero in my own head at least, you know.

And then, of course, I can always, you know, talk to 1 or 1 or the other of my, friends on the phone and get them on the wagon with me too. So, you know. And this is not good, you know. It really isn't. It's a truthful program, I'll tell on myself.

But, one of the things that I really like about the 4th Step is that it is a written inventory. And it's an inventory of me. You know? I mean, sure, I'm writing down a whole lot of other people's names and what they did to me. But, you know, it's kind of one of those things that, it's interesting because one of the things that I noticed is that the inventory starts on the outside and it works its way in.

You know? Like, it starts on the outside and says, well, that's the person. That's what they did to me. Now how did it it affect me? Now we're getting down there and now really now what was really?

We're at the emotional level in that how did it affect me, you know? Was it my security? Was it my self esteem? Was it my social instinct that was frightened? All those things.

And then the next column gets down to the real nut and that is, what did I do to set these things in motion? You know, is there anything that I could have done differently? Because that's the part that's gonna make my life better. If I can stop doing the things that eventually, cause these outward circumstances then I can begin to heal. And that's really how we heal because we heal on the inside first, you know.

As an alcoholic, I needed to take a whole bunch of actions before I really started to notice how much I was healing on the inside. And the beginning of that, of course, was the action of the decision because that is an action. You know? Because that's when we actually set our willpower in motion and say, This is what I'm going to do. This is my course of action.

This is my plan. Because you can't ever get out on a course of action without plan. And the great thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is we've got this whole system in place. You know, it's like walking into a successful company and then plopping you down and saying this is all you have to do and you can be a success too. And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous does for us.

You know, we've got a plan. All you have to do is follow these instructions to the letter, do everything they say, do everything we say, do everything we did and you can be a success, too. And it's a great system. It's a great system for success. And I began to heal on the inside.

These wounds began to heal basically because of the changes that I started to make and how I approached other people. Because if on a day to day basis I don't cause other people to hurt me anymore, you know, And then, of course, in, the later steps, you know, going out and and repairing the damage of the past that I've done to other people. You know, my life gets better around me. And the other part of it is that, growing in understanding and love and consideration of other people and understanding, you know, as Mike opens the meeting with, you know, the other people may be sick too, Is, you know, growing in love and understanding and understanding that, in the 5th step with my, with my sponsor sitting there and, you know, she tells me these little stories about things that she did that were just like that or, if I am stuck in a situation I can't really see what my part was, she'll say, you know, Well, this happened to me and this is what I figured out. You know, this is what I found out about it.

And sharing that with another person, because there's a whole lot about me that I don't see because I am so emotionally involved in me. You know? And, even though my sponsor you know, at this point point, it's been a few years, she gets a little emotionally involved in me too. She has a little bit more she has a little bit more of an ability to kind of sit back and look at me objectively and say, well, you well, you know. Have you thought that maybe?

My stepsister up here is really laughing. You know? So that's the that's the benefit of doing a 5th step with another person. And, of course, the other beautiful part about the 5th step is, you know, the god part. It's real, important that we remember.

And I'll speak to this from the sponsor perspective because it's my personal experience with it. I can't speak about my sponsor's experience with this, but I really strongly feel in the 5th Step that I'm there to be, an instrument for God. I take hearing 5th steps very seriously. One of the things that I do is, I have the women that I sponsor. I work with them pretty closely through the big book, looking at the directions, following the directions very closely, all the way through them writing their 4th step.

And, when it comes time for me to hear their 5th step, we'll look at our calendars and we'll pick a weekend. And I have the woman come over my house and spend the weekend with me because I don't know how long the inventory is gonna take. And, it seems that a lot of the women that I have sponsored, this is the first time they've ever done a 4 comm inventory out of the big buck. A lot of people, seem to, you know, I don't know, you know, where a lot people have written like stories maybe or they've been in the program for a while and they've never actually done the steps. One of the gowns I'm sponsoring now, has more time than me and she did like a, a life story kind of inventory.

And I read the form that was used and it actually concluded with the second step proposition. Either God is or He isn't. And I'm like, wait a minute. They didn't move you forward. They took you back.

But I don't know how long the inventory is going to take so I set aside a whole weekend and I've been finding that generally the resentments take all of Saturday. I have this, this La Z Boy that Kathy really likes, and it's got like the vibrating and the heat in it, you know. That's really helpful, you know. If you've been here at inventory for like 12, 14, 16 hours, and it's like, okay, all right now this is your ex husband, okay, I'll give you 12 on him. Pick the best pick the top 12.

But I try not to limit it because I don't know. And one of our friends, Marybeth, says she has been in enough therapy to know that when you're listening to a sponsee, they usually won't get around to the really important thing until the last minute of the hour. You know? And it's, like, sometimes you have to call them back and say, did you ever tell me what you really wanted to say? You know, so it's usually around, you know, 1 or 2 AM on Saturday night that I finally find out, you know, and it's like, you know, my head's spinning.

So then on on Sunday morning we'll get up and we'll do the fear inventory and the sex inventory and then I'll ask them to spend their quiet hour at my house. But, that's how I hear inventory and I take it really seriously and I really prepare a lot ahead of time, spiritually step Step is that I get me out of the way because hearing a 5th Step is so important to be able to do what my sponsor was able to do for me and that was to help me to change. Because the truth of the matter is that my old belief system wasn't working for me anymore. I wasn't happy the way I was. The way I was living my life, the way I was doing what I was doing and all the things that I believed about me and about you didn't work.

And that's why my life was unmanageable. So those things have to change. And if my problem is that I'm human too. So when I'm hearing a fist step I'll be sitting with someone who I really at this point because we've been spending a lot of time together I really probably like a lot. And I really want no, I'm not perfect.

You know, I'm not like I haven't risen beyond that like spiritual to that spiritual level. I want her to like me too, you know. And it's important for me to have God get me out of the way because there's gonna be some things that I'm gonna say to her that she doesn't wanna hear necessarily or that God's gonna have to say to her. And I'm gonna be the instrument and it's not easy. It's not easy, you know.

Because, you know, I spent a whole lot of time a whole lot of time in my life. One of my survival skills that worked for me the longest was, you know, if you liked me then I could get what I wanted, you know. And today I have to realize that, you know, this is somebody's life, life. You know? And this is their happiness and this is their joy.

And if I can't get me out of the way, God's not gonna be able to do what he needs to do. So, one of the things I've noticed after hearing footsteps is that I forget a lot of what I hear. Do you think it's a blessing? Note for the taste, the rolling of the eyes. Sometimes one of the gals that I sponsor will say, Well remember I told you about my sister Janice and blah blah blah blah blah?

And I'll be like, What? Oh, yeah. Some identification in the side. Side. But, I in hearing footsteps for me in the beginning, it was really difficult because I used to take it all in.

And, it really was you know, a couple times I was pretty close to this state of depression afterwards because I really took on all of that sorrow and all of the woe and all of the hurt that this person was expressing to me. For the first time they felt safe, you know, safe enough to know that they can say whatever needs to be said. And they've got all the time they want to say what needs to be said. And any way they wanna say it, it doesn't matter because it's it's what they are inventorying about themselves. And that's the important part is they need to know that they're in a space where they are safe and they're loved and it's okay.

And they don't have to they don't have anything to to gain, you know, other than that they're gonna be released of this finally. And that they can be changed, that they don't have to be that way anymore. And that's the essence of it, you know, is providing a safe environment for that person because it's it's so important that, phrase a word of what I tell them. Because there's some things that I still think and do that I'm not proud of. And I need to have that person that I can go to who knows enough about me, who knows my past history, who knows my patterns, who knows my behaviors.

And I can go to her and I can say, well, guess what? And she'll go, Yeah? And I can spill my guts, you know? And I don't have to worry about being judged. I don't have to worry about, being scorned or, punished but that I can get good direction because I know that she's a woman of God also and she's walking on the path and she is gonna do the best she can to help me to continue to become where I need to be, where I can be best of service.

And that's what the essence of all this is, you know, is to fit myself to be of maximum service to my concept of God and to my fellow man. And, I do that primarily in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, but also do it in my family. And I also do it in the outside world at work, you know, whoever I run into. I mean, you know, you know, it's like, you know, all the simple things that we have to change, you know, once we get through that 5th step. You know, we get pointed out to us all of these patterns of our lives so that we can start to recognize them ourselves.

You know, like the perfect example of this pendulum for me, to be in my sex life. I always went for like that really, like I said I married the best drinking partner I ever had. We lived the fast life. We lived the good life and, it was chaos because, being an alcoholic his mood swings were up and down and up and down and up and down. And, being in that relationship I needed to fit myself into that relationship as best I could.