The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Welcome to light a candle meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. I'm Gabriel, a compulsive overeater. Hi, Gabriel. This is our preamble. Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength, and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating.

We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members. We are self supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology, or religious doctrines. We take no position on outside issues.

Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry the message of recovery to those who still suffer. I have asked Margo to read how it works. I'm Margo, Compulsable Reader. Hi, Margo. Hi.

How it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, there are such unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way.

They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we're like now. If you decide you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these, we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some must have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was new until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with food, cunning, baffling, powerful.

Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power. That one is god. May you find him now. Half measures availed us nothing.

We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandon. Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. 1, we admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood him. 4, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5, admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6, we're entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character. 7, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

8, made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9, made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10, continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. 12.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Many of us exclaimed, what an order I can go through with you. Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We We are not saints.

The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The spirit the principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description of the compulsive overeater, the chapter chapter 2, the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas. A, that we were compulsive overeaters and could not manage our own lives.

B, that probably no human power could have relieved our obsession, and, c, that God could and would if he were sought. Thanks, Margo. Are there any newcomers here? Company faces. Are you a newcomer?

What is your name? I'm Shari Lane. Shari Lane. Welcome. Anyone else?

No. Okay. Anyone in their 1st 30 days of recovery? Oh, what is your name? Hi, Paulina.

Welcome. Alright. On that note, it's time for a chip person. Hi. I'm Kate.

I'm a compulsive. Hi, Kate. And we give chips, at this meeting. So if you're gonna take a chip, please state your name and your disease in the microphone. Does anyone want to take a newcomer chip in the 30 days?

Anyone? Okay. 30 day trip? 60 days? Hi.

I'm Debbie. I'm a compulsive overeater. Hi, Debbie. And a sugar addict. Hi.

I'm Marcy, compulsive overeater. Hi, Marcy. K. 90 days? 6 months?

9 months? Any birthdays I wasn't told about? Okay. Thanks for letting me be of service. Alright.

Thanks, Kate. It's time for our 7th tradition. While May the treasurer passes the baskets, I have asked Kathy to read the 12 traditions. Hi. I'm Kathy.

Hi, Kathy. Hello. Twelve traditions. 1, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends upon OA unity.

2, for our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. 3, the only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop compulsive eating. 4, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or OA as a whole.

5, each group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the compulsive overeater who still suffers. 6, an OA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the OA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7, every OA group ought to be fully self supporting, declining outside contributions. 8, Overreters Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9, OA as such, should never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10, O'Rivers Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues. Hence, the OA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. 12.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Thanks, Kathy. Alright. Now it's time for the speaker section. First, a reminder to everyone to please turn off all cell phones and pagers out of courtesy to the speaker, And our main speaker, Roz, tonight gets to share her experience, strength, and hope until 6:25.

Actually, we're gonna stop a little early for the delegates report, and you can keep going or stop for questions at 6:15. Please help me introduce, Ross. Okay. Hi. My name is Ross.

I'm really grateful of stating a composable over ear. Hi, Ross. And thank you, Roy, for the honor of me being here tonight. For the newcomer, you've just walked into a life that is beyond your wildest dreams. I really mean it.

It doesn't mean that you're gonna have this big house on the hill looking over the ocean and all the money in the bank and everything. It means you be able to live life life's term to cope with it without going to the food. Okay. So I'm gonna go back. I've been in this program since May 26th 1987.

I've given away £200. And it talks in the AA1212 and in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous about the person who was dead when they walked in. I was. I literally had about 6 months to live, the doctors had told me. I knew that because I had gotten so ill that I couldn't even keep food down because the fat surrounding my liver.

I had a heart attack 10 years before at 40 and kept eating. I had angina, couldn't walk without a pill. I've never been able to get up those stairs over here. Forget it. I had, high blood pressure.

I had all these neurological disorders because of my eating, and I couldn't stop eating. There was no way I could stop eating. I tried everything. I had no will power. Everybody told me what was wrong with me.

I wasn't I had I went for that pregnant urine thing. I went every single day, 5 days a week for a shot in the Hawthorne Boulevard at 7 o'clock in the morning. I waited till they opened at 8. At 8 o'clock, I saw the doctor, got my shot, and left, and the weight came right up. I lost, a £130 in 6 months that time.

And that that way, I was able to show up at my, cousin's wedding. On the pictures around, you're gonna see pictures of me, the dates you're on before I came in here when I lost weight before, and you're gonna see pictures of me at anorexia because that's where I got into this program. You know what? It was fun while it lasted, but it wasn't really fun. It was really sick.

I got really sick. But, so I did that little diet thing, and I couldn't understand what happened. Because one day, I was baking cookies with my little girl, and I went back to the diet doctor. And he somehow he didn't help me anymore because I was off on a tangent, and that's what I always did. I lose weight for a while.

I go to Weight Watchers. I go to Tops where they call you a pig and they put you in a little pig pen, and it was just I was a mess. I couldn't stop eating, and I thought something was so wrong with me. I dyed my hair red when I when I lost out that way. What's wrong with it?

I have red hair now. Right? Brand new clothes my dad bought me, and I couldn't do it. I so ashamed of myself. I thought I was stupid, dumb, and a piece of shit, and I didn't think I was worth anything.

And, I was told that for all my life. So by the time I got to overheat his knobs, I actually had that tape in my head, and I really believed it. And my mother used to say, wait till everybody gets to know you, who you really are, and then you're not gonna have any friends, which I never had any friends. But I did that eating all my life. I hid behind buildings when I was a little girl, took food from people's houses, stole money from my parents.

You know, I had to charge accounts, a house man. You have to be old enough like me to remember the Helmsman. He used to come in, like, a little baking place. He used to come over to our house once or twice a week, pull out his little drawers, and I charged everything to my mother. And in 30 days, oh, man, was I in trouble?

Was I hit hit? Was I beat up? Was I really in bad trouble? It didn't matter to me because I had a habit. You know how old I was then?

9 years old. 9 years old. And she took me to diet doctor to get pills and then it began. I couldn't keep the weight off after that. My mother kept me really controlled, really controlled.

And when I got to be, 17, I got married. I got pregnant and then got married. And then I was really ashamed of the whole family because you don't have a baby. You don't get pregnant in 1953 before you're married. You put to keep your legs crossed, my mother told me.

And, what she said. Never knowing that I'm an incest survivor, that my uncle raped me for over 3 years. I didn't found that out in these rooms. And I'm here to tell you I could get through anything any of you can. Get eye on a miracle that I got through all of this stuff.

And I didn't have to die overweight, and I have to die from this disease because I was so dead spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I didn't wanna live, and I took an overdose 2 times. I was a pill addict. And, to just show you how the food was, and this is moving forward, I my uncle died on on, the night before thanks the night before Thanksgiving 1 year, we it was at the cemetery. It was raining, and my little sister got caught in the traffic.

And she she was in the catering business, and she came up with blueberries all over her. There was the whole truck was filled with blueberry cheesecakes. I hate blueberries. Okay? We went into that place, and we sat in the car, the 3 by 3 the 3 of us, my husband and my brother-in-law, and pushed it in with our hands out of the boxes to push the feelings down of losing my uncle and seeing everybody cry at this is at the cemetery at Hillside, the little Jewish family eating cheesecake at the cemetery.

And, boy, you know, and that's how the food was. Anytime I could grab any food and had to be sugar most of the time, I just stuffed it down. Because I thought I never ever thought I could stop eating. I never did. I was a loser.

I wasn't I was supposed to never be born. They should never have had me. My mother used to oh my god. She said that on the phone call. Hello.

Is this reform school? Could you please come and pick up my daughter? And, I lived in a lot of terror. My grandfather said I shouldn't have been born. And the whole thing, I never was liked by my family.

And, but you know what? Now that I think about it, I think I never liked myself. I never I hated myself. So I just went along with the whole thing. I hated my sister, Gail, because she was this perfect child, and she got all the love I thought I I thought.

And she was perfect and I was so imperfect. And, so there's a lot of reasons I ate. You know what? I love my parents. I wish they were here.

I I totally had to go all the way back for me. I had to go back the day I got into program, my son said you better get a good therapist. I had to go to outside help because there was too much in me of what had happened that I didn't know about. And I went 4 or 5 times a week, and she was 12 steps. She was in this program in Al Anon.

And she taught me that I was worthwhile, and the people in this program loved me. But mostly, it was it was all in in. In 15 months, I lost £220. I didn't know who I was. I was like, no program, no spirituality, no steps.

I would not recommend this to anyone. It was like somebody took me, stripped all my armor off, and threw me on the desert to take care of myself. It was like Rip Van Winkle, like I was Rip Van Winkle. I woke up one day, and I was thin, and I didn't know how to be. I didn't know how to talk to people.

I I didn't even talk. I didn't even know how I didn't know anything. And one day, I was wearing 2 wrong 2 the same color boots, but two wrong ones. I thought something was wrong with my foot. I was gonna go to the doctor.

One was high and one was low. And I knew I was losing my mind. And my therapist said, I wanna put you I wanna put you in a hospital so you'd be able to work through these feelings in a safe place. I said, no. I don't need a hospital.

So the next day, I was listening to Neil Diamond driving on West Gordon Pico at 8:30 in the morning and ran my car into someone else's car that this way across, Westwood and Pico and ran into Nordson's window. I smashed my whole car up and I was okay. And I remember saying, if I'm gonna die, at least I fit into Nordstrom's clothes. That's that's how much recovery I had. There was none except for the physical, and I was on a high because I already was so anorexic by that time, and I had this abstinence where if I ate one bite of popcorn, that was my dinner.

And I never was hungry. I never was hungry. This is I think it was just that liver thing. And I also have to say, it was really fun wearing those short little size 5 skirts. The leather out there's a picture of me going around my leather outfit.

I was I was able to be the child I never got to be. I think that's where I was and I loved it, But I got very, very sick. My lips were blue. My hands were blue, and my body temperature went down. And in that hospital and it was the psych unit, And and I still wouldn't eat.

They had to make me everything sugar free, sugar free jello. And, it was very, very it was absolutely terrifying, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life because in that place, I found out what happened to me about my past. And I would say, able to be in a safe place with safe people and find out so I wouldn't have to so I could be alive, so I could be okay. And I worked really hard in there. And when I went to get out, I didn't even wanna get out.

It was just a safe environment, and there was I was the only one with the eating disease. There were alcoholics, addicts, people that were very abused. I was able to stay in that room and be honest, and that's where I think my my program really started. And when I got out of there, I my sponsor and I started working I started working the steps. I knew that if I didn't work those steps, I'd be out of this program.

There was no way. And the 1st year, I didn't read the big book. I I lost that because it was the big book and the 12 steps that Overeaters and NOMs of AA have kept me alive today. You know, my son that brought me into this program, who had lost a £130, he'd been in 15 months, He's speaking all over. He looked fabulous.

And we even spoke together. He's out of here, and he's like a £150 overweight, and he's into his disease. And my husband's into this disease. He almost has died several times last year from it, and there's nothing I can do. I'm powerless.

This disease is, to me, the worst. It's demoralizing, and it's a killer, and it's a slow, painful death. I didn't go out of my house. I was ashamed of myself. I missed many weddings.

I'd call up at the last minute and say, oh, I have a migraine headache. Or, oh, I have this. I just I couldn't be I couldn't be at my kids' PTA meetings because I felt so ashamed of myself. I broke chairs. I wasn't allowed to sit on chairs at my mother's house, my aunt's houses because I break them, they said.

I broke toilet seats and anyone that's a 100 pounder knows what I'm talking about. That feeling, it's worth it's better enough not feeling a part of life, but not being able to fit into the theater where they had to come at the end of the theater, downtown LA, and and have the man take me out of the chair because they had to take the arms off because my dress got caught in the seat. Or in San Francisco, when I got caught at in that revolving door. You know, until I lost the weight more to my step, I didn't know how bad it was. And then I started to be, oh, I couldn't believe that that I had I had I thought I did it, that it was my fault because I couldn't stop eating.

I thought that it was my fault that I got off the freeway 10 times to get food, to get back on the freeway, to get to Torrance, to my sisters. I just couldn't stop. And here, I learned I could live without the bingeing and without compulsively eating. And my program is far from perfect. My food, believe me, it's far from perfect.

There are days that the food is hot. I'm not I don't have those cravings or anymore, like it says in the big book. But some days, my food's a little bit sloppy. And you know what? I just let it be because I was so hard on myself for the first 5 years.

And what I wanna talk is about the miracles today, about the miracles that's happened to me in in my life. I can't when I when my mom died, when I was 18 months in program, I moved into her house, and it was all my my sisters and me, and we had money. I spent I was lovely. I'm a positive spender, because I finally got to get clothes that fit and all this stuff, and I made a lot of mistakes. And, and then about 7 years ago, we lost everything.

And my sister bought a condo in, Orange County so I could live there. My my husband and I could live there, but we were I mean, there was just no money. Nothing. And I've been able and I never got trained in anything. Oh, today, I know I'm smart.

That is a major thing for me. I know I'm lovable, huggable, and I love myself. Not an ego love, but I like what god has given me. You know, I like who I am today. And so I came out out to Orange County, and there was no meetings, and I quickly start to eat.

And 1 in a few months, I put on £37, which is gone now, but it was my sponsor, Natalie, that got me to lay on that floor and cry because she said, this disease has got you back again. If you're telling me you're gaining weight and you're not eating like you did before, it doesn't matter. You're still eating more food. And for a £100, I could gain £20 on a weekend for for a bunch of peaches if I wanted to. And, so I started a meeting because I didn't like the meeting.

There was no meetings out there. That has saved my life, doing service. I've done service since the time I got into this program. It has kept me here. Because when you do service, you show up.

You and you do your commitment. And when you sponsor, you you help another person by God giving me what he's given me, I'm able to carry the message. And so I started these meetings and the most incredible people there. I I just I started this Sunday night, 100 pound meeting, and not one person has refused to come out there. People come from Santa Barbara.

I mean, it's unbelievable to me. And what's happened to me is I started babysitting, I started working whatever I can to make money because we don't have any money. It was very hard for me. There was times I had to eat at Costco for dinner on a hotdog, which is in my absence. Okay?

So don't tell me I shouldn't eat a hotdog. But, and, and I grew and then and it was I've learned what humility meant. Humility is to be teachable. It was meant for me, I allowed people to help me. Well, I was the one that gave everything.

I you want my dress here? Do you like my watch? I have done that. I've given away watches to people that say I like your watch in this program. I did it all.

I I have because I learned I thought that that was loving them, but it wasn't. It was people pleasing. Today, I know the difference between people pleasing and being generous and kind in another way and helping another person. 3 years ago, my tooth fell out right here in the front. Now even in the early times of program, I wouldn't have shown up at a meeting with my tooth missing.

I wouldn't have because it would be how I looked without a tooth. Okay? But I did. And was it not in my my, belly button birthday? And the basket went around, and it was filled with cards, filled with cards from people saying and nobody put their name on it.

This is a this is for your, from your tooth fairy. Thank you for helping me. This is from your tooth fairy. In the mail, people sent me over $650 to get my done. You tell me, not my family, not my my daughter did help me, but nobody else, not my family, not anybody, but the people of Overeaters Anonymous that loved me enough to do that for me.

What? Tell me anywheres we could go to do that. Anywheres that's that's dead. I was only living there a couple years, and that's what happened. And I keep asking people, did you do this?

Did you they go, none of your business. You know? None of your business. I tried to figure it out with the handwriting and stuff, but I couldn't. And I thought I know.

And I finally just started sharing at every meeting about how grateful I was. And that's the way it's been. My husband gets got sick. I've got my wonderful friend that picks me up and takes me in. I have wonderful friends here that are there for me.

I never have to be alone again. Oh my god. What a concept. Me who was alone all my life, who never thought that I was worth anything, who thought I had no self esteem, no self worth, no anything. But the minute I put down the fork, all of a sudden, self esteem came back.

I started to believe in myself. It took me a long time in this program to believe in myself because I was at the lowest part of feeling like a piece of shit. I did. I never felt that I was good enough. I never thought I was enough.

I thought I was just if if so, and then so I have these meetings. I have the people. I have every time I'm broke, I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. God sends a little job in my life. God does this.

God does that. He just does for me. He did miracles. And when I'm when I'm crying, I have a friend to help me. When I'm when I'm lonely, I've got God, and God fills me up and my prayers in his program.

And yesterday, let's see. 3 nights ago, I fell down in my kitchen, and I really hurt myself. I I injured my nerve, my sciatica nerve. And, I was really in a lot of pain. I went to my meeting anyways on Thursday night, and I talked about it.

And this wonderful guy there said, I wanna take you to my chiropractor, which I've already I've heard these bad things, you know, I don't but I was at such a point of pain, incredible pain, and I trusted him. He took me yesterday. He paid for the doctor. He sat there and he soothes me while I was afraid because then I heard these bones cracking back, you know, and he helped me. This guy, 36 years old, that younger than my son, that that was there for me.

My god. You know? And and, and the doctor said, can I have a hug? Because you are really brave. Because it just and he put me back in alignment, whatever that is.

And, and I still have got some problems, but I know now that because he took the stress off, that nerve, that I could heal with god's power. And And that's what's happened. 4 years ago, when I moved out there, I burnt my I filled a bottle a pot of boiling water on my left foot, you know, and all the nerve endings endings were were torn out. And, nope. And I went to the burn center every day and had my this debris.

I never took a pain pill because it didn't help, and I did this healing that I learned. This self healing that I learned, it's not self. It's talking to God and to the angels in my life. I would not be here today if it wasn't for all of you in this program and for my God. There's no way I could have stood not having money for lipstick, not being able to buy a pair of shoes, and the best gift I've ever got is the blessing of my 3 granddaughters.

I'm able to be at my son's graduation, my daughter's wedding, my daughter's graduation, and the birth of all 3 of these girls. There's 7a half, 4a half, and 2. I get to be on the floor and play with them. I get to go to the carnival and ride with them on a scary ride that I always used to be afraid of because they're not scared. I get to be in the in the water with them the other day and swim with them and have them jump to me and go, oh, I love you, grandma.

You're my best friend. If I tell you that's not worth it and I wouldn't have had it if it wasn't for OverEaters Anonymous. There's no way. I would have been dead. And I'm I'm able to crawl on the floor with these little girls.

And when I fell the other night, they heard me, and they came out from the bedroom. They were over. And, like, grandma, are you okay? Can I help you up? And I, like, I have this thing when I fall.

I don't want anyone to help me. This comes from the old days when I fell when I was fat. I would break my bones and stuff. And you know what? It's a miracle I didn't break my hip, the doctor said.

But the biggest miracle is I that I I've made a pitch, and this wonderful man said, I'm gonna take you to my chiropractor, and you have to say yes. And I trusted him. And so what I'm talking about is much more than the weight that we get. It's to be able to walk with integrity, dignity, and to be able to say, yes, I will take the help, when I couldn't have done this 10 years ago, never, would I have done this. I I just didn't do that, you know.

I'm able to make a dinner and have people help me with it and bring food in. When they owe me, they didn't have to do it all. And I don't have an ego. Thank you, God. Because I know that that would kill me.

What my job is to do God's will, and I've learned with my for my family to pray before dinner, pray before I eat, and then thank you, God. In the morning, I pray. I read my books. I read my I work with a lot of people. I've worked really with a lot of people, and it's not me that can make someone abstinent because I can't.

I don't have that power. If I had that power, boy, I'd be all over the world, but I don't have the power to make someone abstinent, to make my age different, to stop the wars, to make peace in the world. All I can do is carry the peace that I have in me and the serenity that this program gave me to carry it to other people. And that is a gift. It is the most precious gift I've ever had.

50 years that before I got in here, I was almost 51 when I got in here. I hated my life. I never wanted to live. Each day, I'd say, god, please let me die because I didn't wanna live. I had nothing to live for.

That's how I thought. I was not happy. And today, I can be happy, joyous, and free in the middle of calamity and chaos. I don't know how I mean, tell me how that happens. We all know it's about a higher power who I choose to call God.

I never knew this could happen to someone like me who couldn't stop eating and my pockets were filled with pills and food. And that's how I walked around. This giant woman in a 28 and a half dress, in a, I think, 54 broad. When I lost all the weight, my my breast got smaller. They look like parachutes to me, my bras, you know, Well, I should have saved 1.

And, and the best gift I have is friends. What a miracle. Murray, you are everyone in this room, hell, I don't want Roy, all of you who've been in my life, a part of my recovery, and Kathy and you and a newcomer who gets in this program and starts to write and journal and does the steps in 6 months, what a miracle you are. What a miracle we are today. I wanna conclude with, don't leave here before the miracle because if it could happen to someone like me, this cheap liar, liar, kryptomania, see what else.

Everything that you could think of, I did. One of those dresses is the dress I stole, the pink one. Okay? Before 'eight. Of course, that's why I looked like that there.

Okay. That's it. I wanna share share. Thank you for asking me. I'm open it up for questions.

So questions, anybody? Go ahead. Women first. Go ahead. I didn't have a higher power because a higher power wouldn't listen to me.

He didn't make my dad well, and then I had to take care of my mom. So, no, I didn't believe in a higher power because how could he do all these things to me? How can he make me fat? My higher power was food. To answer your question.

And and what, what different you know, what do you mean if you have any In the for a long time, I didn't, but then all of a sudden, miracles started happening. I didn't want food, and I knew that had to be something better myself because I didn't have I could walk in a bakery, in a deli, or worse, and not want to eat everything inside. That was what God did. Okay. What character changes?

Change in me? Is that what you said? Okay. Honesty, the big one. Honesty, being true to myself and be helping other people without doing it because I wanted something back.

That was a big one for me because it was a big one. In the beginning, I just bought everybody presents all the time, because I wanted everyone to like me. And I bought I had cards in my purse, chips in my purse. And, and everybody, I knew everybody's 30 day, 90 day, everybody got a present for me. Because I because I want everyone to love me.

So that changed a lot. And also, unlike a light came in me, I have this I feel like I have this inner light. It could be my pacemaker I got 5 years ago, but I don't think so. It's really a God light. I can feel it.

Yes? Now? Yes. How do my prayers go? Elaborate on it?

Okay. I wake up in the morning. This is my new one since my husband got sick. It's the first prayer I go, thank you, God, I'm alive. I do that every day for 15 years.

And then I go, help me to be tolerant, kind, loving, and nice to him today. And not look at his food and not react. Oh my god, this is the truth. And, and then I read my books and I talk to God and I do meditation, where I just, I do visualization. I can't be still, my head doesn't be still, that kind, but if I visualize the ocean and visualize a light of God, I'm really okay.

That's when I get it. I do all day long, I thank God. I do all these mantras. Bless you God. Thank you God.

Or help me God, I can't do this alone, I do that in the morning, sometimes, especially if I wake up, you know, down feeling down. That answer? Okay. That's a good question. How did I how did I, surrender the control when I got into anorexia?

I faced my uncle who who abused me for 3 years, and, I guess I couldn't eat because of it. Well, it was one of the underlying issues. So I went to see him where everything took place in his lingerie shop and I and I had a tape recorder with me and I had 2 people from program and my husband and my 2 sisters and once I faced him I went through this whole thing in my family, I started to be able to eat and I also went to a holistic nutritionist to learn how to eat cause I had grabbed my whole body of all the nutrients. I was really a mess. I I still I got in fact, I got chronic fatigue syndrome.

I was really sick for not eating the proper foods. I don't want to ever go through that again either, because my wife was hell with the over eating, but also I don't wanna ever get to that point again where I was so sick. I'm anorexia. Yes. How long would you want?

I Oh. Can't think of anything yet. Yeah. Who is your best thumbnail sketch? A thumbnail sketch?

It it says that 3 meals a day, and I can have a snack if I want. Fruit. I do usually have something and and I can have you know what? It changes. Sometimes I leave out bread and sometimes I have bread.

Sometimes I leave out something else. I don't have recreational sugar. I don't have candy bars ice cream, and cookies. I don't look on labels. I don't weigh a measure.

I've already been that way. I I just want to have an absence that's guilt free today. I don't wanna be afraid of food anymore, But I don't eat, of course, I don't eat, you know, a banquet. Who else? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. When my disease comes back and or if I'm eating too much, I I made up this thing years ago. I I Here's how it goes, okay? Just This is the way I do it.

Okay? It says, fat fat Rosalyn. That's my you know, my name. It says, I'm gonna have you back. You're going to fit in your car, throw out your clothes, throw out your shoes.

You're going to be breaking things again. You won't be able to go to OA. And I write that letter, employ, and I'm not the same way every time, but I write something similar and then I have God write my disease letter, which says, I'm all powerful. I love my Razi. This will not happen, leave her alone.

And I do that kind of, I do a lot of journaling and I don't do it every I it's either every day or all day or I don't do it for days it depends where I'm at But when I feel like nauseous and some and something's going out, I have to journal. And I've been crying a lot, I've been grieving, which is a normal thing to grieve for the past, for what I thought was gonna happen, for where I'm at now at my age. So I've been grieving a lot. That's really important because I don't have to eat. I just cry.

And I cry a lot. I don't know. Yes. Hang on. Not to rest on my laurels.

Not to rest on my laurels. Not to rest on my laurels. Not to make fun of the meetings that were there because they were how meetings. And it wasn't that how was bad, it was the people. There were these old people like 80 and they were like, not talk to me.

And I cried because I was new there. No one talked to me. I mean, and except like 4 people that I'm still friends with that, you know. But, I got mad and I got resentful that I was there, that I made this mistake, that I lost everything. I got mad at my husband and I got mad at myself and resentment caused me to eat.

One day, it was like, Oh, I'm cured. So the resentment, the anger, I turned it inward and then I also I also wasn't able to accept where I was. That was a big thing for me to accept. It was a mistake. I'm not a mistake.

Things happen. Today, I wouldn't move back here and have what I have and give up what I have there. It sounds weird, baby, but I wouldn't give up where I'm at now. Would I have my friends there and everything, for the house that I have with the swimming pool, and and all of it. I wouldn't.

I want I've never ever known love like this. I have never known anything like this in my entire life. So I would be nice if I had some security, but but you know what? It's okay as long as God gives me the strength to keep working. That's what I was afraid of, I couldn't do that when I fell the other day, I was so I got scared that I wouldn't be able to work, that I wouldn't be able to babysit or anything, and it got taken care of, got took care of.

It answered. Yes. Oh, yeah. Sick of boring the meetings? Sick of getting 25 phone calls a day telling me about their their husband, their children, and all the stuff, except what's going on with the food.

Yeah. People that don't work the steps, calling me and crying, and they haven't worked the steps. I get sick of it, but you know what? I'm supposed to be here. That's very good, hon.

I I'll never get sick enough not to go. Somehow, I just get tired sometimes, but I go there because I wanna be of service, so maybe I could be of service that night if I don't feel good of what's going on, you know. And when I got when my husband got really sick, he's been sick almost a year, I I I've been in a real I've got into a very bad depression and I went for outside help for it. I couldn't stop crying, screaming, and panic attacks, and stuff. I didn't go to the food.