The Show Me Recovery Convention, the Missouri State Convention of Cocaine Anonymous in Kansas City, MO

Wow. Hi, everybody. My name is Mickey Bush and I'm an addict. Probably an alcoholic too. Oh, Cocaine anonymous and Where I got clean, the only reason we allow cell phones to be left on is if you're expecting a call from the local v d clinic.

And they only call if you got a positive test. So if your phone or beeper goes off, we sympathize but you ain't getting late tonight. Now how many honestly, how many people half measured their phone and beeper? How many people actually turned it off instead of put it on vibrate or silent or everything else just in case? See half measures.

What does half measures what what what do half measures give us? Thank you. That's right. In cocaine anonymous, I introduced myself as an addict and probably an alcoholic because that's the way we like it done. We like to introduce ourselves and relate one addict to another addict.

So in cocaine anonymous and narcotics anonymous, I introduced myself as an addict and probably an alcoholic because that's the way we like it done. I don't have a problem with that today. You know, being a real addict, everything about me is addictive. I hope everything comes out alright, love. That's alright, people in cocaine.

I think I'll get up. I think I'll just get up and walk about. I think I'll get up and say hello to them, disturb them. I think I'll just get up and walk around. Now, I don't mind if you're new and you're tweaking, you know.

Vibrating, you know. Anybody remember coming in here vibrating? There was definitely no bloody vision for you when I got here. I would tell you that. But anyway, cocaine anonymous, we just do that, don't we?

We just walk around to disrupt people and do things. Anyway, you know, being a real addict being a real addict, I'm a total addict. Everything about me is addictive. There's not just a part of me an addict or a big part of me that ain't addict. I'm all addicts, see?

So being a real addict, I have the right to be dysfunctional in as many ways as I like. Yeah. Don't tell me I'm limited or restricted. If there's good dysfunction out there, there, I want my share of it. And being a real addict, you know better than I do.

I don't only want my share, I want what? More. More. More. More.

More. More. More. More. I just want more.

More. Doesn't matter what it is, I want more of it. If there was nothing in the world to do but breathe the air, I would go because I want more air than you or I want your air. Don't matter what it is, I just want more of it. Don't even if I don't know what it is, I want more of it.

I'd even want more bloody herpes than you. You know, I just want more. You know what I mean. So if there's good dysfunction out there, I want more of it. More more more.

And so being a real addict, you know, I always use well, I didn't only use. I drank. Oh, man, did I drink. I drank. I'm a real alcoholic.

So consequently, I get asked to speak in alcoholics anonymous meetings. And when I identify in their meetings I identify as an alcoholic and probably an addict because that's the way they like it done too. And I don't have a problem with that today. I used to get into all that crap, but not today. See, I'm Mickey Bush.

I'm an alcoholic addict. I'm in an alcoholic addicts anonymous, cocaine anonymous, narcotics anonymous, 12 step program. I know what's wrong with me, and I know what to do about it. I never knew that when I got here on January 15, 1983. I never knew, never had a clue.

And I'm a very sick dude. I mean, you are not gonna be hearing well up here tonight. You're not gonna be hearing cured. You think you're gonna be cured up here? No.

You know, I'm a very sick dude. In fact, if there's 12 steps attached to anything, I'm a contender for it. No matter what it is. If there's 12 steps steps attach to anything, I'm a contender for it, man. A a n a c a a c a, Overeaters, Little Peters, it don't matter what it is.

Yeah. You can laugh. Yeah. Well, I want you to know, I went to a little Peter meeting. He wouldn't let me in and said I didn't qualify.

Yeah. Telling you, telling you, yeah. Yeah. You know. So you get the point.

We're not gonna be talking cured up here tonight. I'm a cocaine 83. Don't consider my clean and sober date until May 8, 1983. Why? Because 4 months after I get to Alcoholics Anonymous and quit drinking, I'm still doing all the other stuff that I do because I'm a real alcoholic addict.

I always drank, but I never only drank. Now I wanna include everybody here who's recovering from whatever they wanna recover from. So I want you to feel inclusive, not exclusive. So if I say alcohol or alcoholism and you don't relate because you're a crack monster, you know, or a dope fiend, or a pervert, or whatever else you may be, be inclusive mentally translate to whatever does work for you. Okay?

So if I say alcohol and I talk the language of the language with a big book of alcoholics anonymous. If I say alcohol and alcoholism or anything else you want, I just thought, yeah, I'm 20 1 years clean, they never had crack when I was doing it. Anybody here remember what we did? Remember that? Yeah.

Why the hell did we call it free? What was free about it? Hey. Anybody remember anything free about it? No.

Cost you every damn thing you had, didn't it? Everything. I was just thinking about that. I ain't never done crack. You got bad minds.

That's what you got. Bad mind. I get to our January 15, 1983 broke, busted, disgusted, and not to be trusted. I didn't come in here doing very well, I can promise you that. I just come off a 3 day run.

Anybody remember a 3 day run? You know, when you just can't get comfortable and your skin don't fit and you hurt and you just when you hype hype you. I hate. I hate. I hate.

I hate. I hate. I hate. Everybody. Everything.

Don't matter what it is. I just hate everybody. Not hurt. Can't stand you. Can't stand me.

Hate women. Hate London, England, and I'm in Los Angeles, and I hate foreigners. Can't stand myself, so why don't you piss off? Because I hate you worse than me and you don't know me anyway, so get away from me. Anybody remember that?

Full of guilt, shame, remorse, anxiety, fear, worry, loneliness, apart from this, separateness, hating everybody, can't stand myself, can't stand anybody. That's what I brought in here. But I'm trying to present to you a picture that you will like because you have to like me. See. Because when your higher power is what you think of me, you gotta like me.

So I'm full of all that what I just described to you, but I gotta try and present something to you. It's driving me crazy because if you don't like me, I'm doomed. Can't stand it. So I got a drink and drug because I can't stand nothing. And all of a sudden I'm drinking and drugging and I still can't find nothing.

I still can't stand nothing. See I'm an alcoholic addict. I know why I'm an alcoholic addict today. Like the beautiful book told me I had to discover for the very first time. I had to fully concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic addict.

I didn't know what that meant, but I do today. I didn't know what it meant. How would I know? I had no idea. I couldn't work it out for myself.

What do you think I could work this stuff out for myself? You think my best thinking got me here? You think after that 3 day run I looked in the mirror and said, Nick, your life is a mess. You better go to AA and sort the bugger out. I couldn't do this for myself.

You guys had to come and help me, and that's what happened. I was 12 step by a guy 2 and a half years clean and sober. I couldn't have worked it out for myself. I didn't even know what I was working out. I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't know why I was doing it. I don't know why I do what I do, and I don't know why I do it. How do I know? I don't know nothing. I'm so sick when I get here.

I'm so sick that I don't even know I'm sick. Do you know how sick that is? Do you know how sick it is to be so sick you don't even know you're sick? Do you know how sick that is? It's really sick.

What, are you gonna watch each other? Sea. I was so sick. I'll tell you how sick I was when I get to alcoholics and all this. I was so sick, and this is how sick maybe you can relate.

When you come into a room full of alcoholics and addicts, and you scan the room like being a good scanner, we have to be a good scanner because anybody like me has to be a good scanner. Because any room you go in, you gotta be able to scan the room to see who's gonna be the next victim. You know that. You scan the room and you go, at least I ain't as sick as him. Do you know how sick it is to be in a room full of valky's thinking you ain't as sick as someone else?

It's really sick. If you're in I can relate to being as sick as you don't think you are. Really sick. I never knew. I do today.

I wrote a word for sick, s I c k. Spiritually ill can kill. And I was dying of a disease I never even knew I had. You guys all knew I never knew. Why would I know?

How would I know? I'm from North West London. You probably picked up on that. Right? This is the way I talk, folks.

Cocaine never done this to me. You know what I mean? I don't know why I do what I do. How would I know? I always drank and didn't know I don't know anybody who didn't drink.

Everybody where I came from drank. I'm from Northwest London, everybody drinks. Nobody drank for a reason. We never had a reason to drink we didn't have a reason not to drink, everybody just drank. We drank if the team won, we drank if the team lost, lost.

If it was a tie, we drank till there was a result, you know, we just drink. I don't know why we did it. Everybody did it. I didn't know anybody who didn't do it. When I get here, you folk all know why you're doing what you're doing.

I read in the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics drink primarily because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Doctor's opinion. I don't have a problem with that but I never thought about it, never worked it out. I mean, yeah.

You guys all going, well I jank because I couldn't stand the pain. And I used because I was covering up the feelings, and I couldn't stand who I was, and I had all these issues. Past the tissues, I got issues. You know what I'm saying? I thought at what stage of the game do you discover that?

I don't know about that. How would I know about that? I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine going into a pub and saying, oh, oh, bartender, hit me with a triple shot of your best boots because I can't stand who I am, and I wanna cover up the pain tonight. It never happened.

It never happened. You know? Drug of choice? What is a drug of choice? I have no idea what a drug of choice is.

I heard all you folk talking about drug of choice. I went, drug of choice? You got gotta choose? Drug of you get to choose? Drug of choice?

What is a drug of choice? My drug of choice, if I got one, is yours. Whatever you got is my drug of choice, and anything you got is my favorite. And that's usually followed by, is it good and will you front me some? Tell you what kind of dope I am, I'm out out on the street one day raining dirty on the phone to the man trying to hassle a deal, trying to get something for nothing is what I'm trying to do.

I'm on the phone. I looked down in the dirt, and on the in the dirt is a pearl. I went, oh, look at that. Swoop down on this pearl, picked it up, looked around for another one, and that's it. I don't know what it is.

It was a pill. I don't know what kind of pill. It could have been a bloody dog worming pill for all I know. It was a goddamn pill. It shit.

I don't know. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing about nothing. How would I know? I get to Alcoholics Anonymous on January 15th as a direct result of what I do.

I'm gonna go to Alcoholics Anonymous on January 15th as a direct result of what I do. I'm gonna go to anonymous on January 15th as a direct result of what I do know today, but I hit bottom on January 15, 1983, which I had never done prior to that as I thought I had. And I thought I did many, many bottoms, but I actually hadn't. Not until January 15, 1983. Oh, I'd been a and shot up with drugs and trunks and zapped on electric machines.

Don't ever volunteer for that, by the way. It don't work, you know. But you know what? I've never actually hit bottom though I thought I had. I've never had no God in my life.

I never had no power. I never had no spirituality. The only time I ever prayed was when I was doing something wrong. The only time I ever prayed was when I was, like, running into a bank with a gun or something and I'd say please not let everything go okay. You know?

So you get to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Before I get in the meeting, I heard the message like I heard it tonight. You know what? Before I even got in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I heard the message.

This was in West Hollywood, Los Angeles. Anybody know West Hollywood? No? West Hollywood's a very special place. It's commonly referred to as boy town.

Some of you are looking a bit blank, don't know what I mean? Well, if it give you a clue, it's a kind kind of town if you drop your wallet on Santa Monica Boulevard, you gotta kick it up to sunset before you can pick it up. If you're gay, don't be offended. I told you it was homophobic. You get the picture.

I walk out of this Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and there's 2 dudes standing outside. 1 of them stepped forward like that with his hand out. I said, what do you want? He said, I wanna welcome you to AA. I said, what?

He said, welcome you to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I said, what? And the other dude said, keep coming back. I said, what for? He said, we love you.

I said, I bet you do. When dudes tell you they love you and we're meeting, they smoked him meetings in. I looked around the room, there was some celebrities I knew, I went, holy shit. Holy shit. Look at this.

What is this? People talking, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. God damn. Look at this. What is this?

And a guy come walking towards me, an English rock and roll singer I've known him for years. I went, what are you doing here? He said, I'm leading the meeting. I said, how come? And he put his arms on me.

I went, oh, what are you doing? He said, I'm giving you a hug. Wait. Get away, please. I mean, the goddamn funny phone, man.

Hugs and loves and shit. We've been saving you a seat, he said. Said. I went what for? He said I'm leading the meeting.

I said how come? He said I'm 22 months sober. I wasn't impressed by sobriety, wow 22 months from me from me. I don't wanna talk to no dudes, but I wouldn't shut up. Newcomers are often amazed amazed how we know they're new.

You go up to a new guy. You reach out to him. You put your hand and say, hi. I'm Mickey. You're new.

Right? And they go, And they knew I I was there. Wouldn't you shut up? Talk. Talk.

Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. All of a sudden, one guy said, you're an alcoholic.

I said, what? He said, you're alcoholic. I said, what? You're an alcoholic. Alcoholic.

You're alcoholic. I thought that was a bloody mean thing to say to a dude. What do you mean? You're an alcoholic. Why did you say that?

Because it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck. Just because he's been taking some shit and thinks he's an eagle, no, you're a duck. You're a duck, I'm a duck. Clack clack you went on. Damn.

Holy shit. I couldn't I couldn't believe it. Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Alcoholic.

I'm a alcoholic. He said, I'm a alcoholic. I thought, wow. Alcoholic. He said, I'm a alcoholic.

I thought, alcoholic. I'm a alcoholic. Wow. Holy shit. Alcoholic.

Wow. And I thought about it, but I thought, wow. Alcoholic. I'm a alcoholic. I ain't nuts.

I ain't crazy. I'm alcoholic. Holy shit. Being alcoholic was like a step up for me. I mean, wow.

Oh, I'm alcoholic. Holy shit. Alcoholic. I ain't crazy. I ain't nuts.

I'm alcoholic. Wow. I know what's wrong with me. I haven't known what was wrong with me up until then. They kept bashing me up and hurting me and chaining me down and incarcerating me and ostracizing me.

I've been locked up in bloody places. Cookers wouldn't fly over, man. Well, they didn't get through to me. What was wrong with me until I got into recovery? I couldn't wait to run home and tell my best friend, the one that that very morning had kicked me out told me to piss off.

Is piss off a term that you understand or is that English? I ran ran on, I knocked up my power, I said, hey, guess what? I'm an alcoholic, I'm powerless over alcohol, my life's unmanageable. He said, no shit. I thought he was gonna be surprised.

Well, nobody surprised only me. Delusion me thinking the book says, I never knew alcoholic and I've loved being alcoholic ever since. I've been alcoholic and not a drop has passed my lips from that day to this. And I never went to no meeting and quit drinking. I never had no desire to quit drinking.

I never knew nothing about nothing. I never knew I was alcoholic. I never knew nothing about a disease of alcoholism. I never knew nothing about nothing. I was just sick and dying.

And if you're in any way, shape, or form similar to me, there's hope for you too because I haven't drank since that day. But I gotta clarify something. I love cocaine anonymous. I have an allegiance to cocaine anonymous that is hard for me to define to you. You know why?

Because in our in Cocaine Anonymous, I'm blessed and grateful to have been around at the very beginning. He was probably the most predominant person in cocaine anonymous, certainly where all I was concerned. 4 months I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous not drinking. But I told you I don't only drink, I also do lots of other stuff, and I do. I'm not drinking, still doing all the other shit I do because I do lots of other shit.

I don't know whether you do or not, but I do. I like pot. Anybody here smoke a little pot? Anybody smoke a lot? Yeah.

No shit. I ain't got a problem with pot. I like pot. Pot only does 2 things to me, it makes me horny and makes me hungry. Nothing wrong with that.

Except Some some mornings you wake up with a sore arm and a bed full of pizza crust. Oh, you do that sick shit here. I like cocaine. Anybody here do a little cocaine? Anybody do a lot?

Yeah. Oh, shit. I ain't got no problem with cocaine. Do anything for cocaine except pay for it. Don't like paying for it.

Don't like paying for it. I like speed crystal crank. Anybody here do a little speed crystal crank? Anybody do a lot? Yeah.

No shit. Did he make your dick disappear too? You ain't gonna get that in a in a Betty Ford manual. Manual. Oh, yes.

Fire up some crystal, your dick will disappear. Funny how the ladies seem to relate to that. All the dudes are going, not me. Rock on, Tommy. Later than that.

Then. I like heroin. Anybody here do a little dope? Anybody here a lot? Yeah.

No shit. I don't care if I puke on you, I'm a puker for Christ's sake. So I'm still doing all this, not drinking in alcoholics anonymous. And I'm with Johnny one day. I'm with Johnny one day who is my mate, Johnny.

I was living when he wrote out the first step of cocaine and harmless. He wrote out the first step of cocaine and harmless, and he wrote down, we admitted we have powers over cocaine and all other mind altering substances. We're the only fellowship who say that, by the way. I said, hey, Johnny, you can't write that. He said, yes, I can.

Oh, no. You can't. We've took a group of concerns in cocaine and ours. We're taking the the program out of the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, I don't care.

I'm leaving it like that. I said, no. That ain't right. No. You've written you've written cocaine and all other man ordering substances.

He said, yes. And that's why I'm leaving. I said, no. That ain't fair. It don't say that in Alcoholics Anonymous.

It don't say that in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I don't drink but I still do all the other shit. He said, yes, that's why you're bloody insane, he said. I said, what do you mean? He said you gotta clear everything, I said everything?

He said yes everything, I went holy shit everything. And so the last cocaine I the last drugs of any kind excuse me, dude. On May 7th was cocaine. I ain't done anything from that day to this. May May 8th, the following day is my clean and sober date, and I got news for you.

They say there's no greater pain for an alcoholic addict who relapses and goes back out there and has a belly full of booze and a head full of AA. I'll give you worse pain than that, my friends. I'll give you worse pain than that. You stick around these rooms. You keep coming to meetings and don't do the work around here and don't have a sufficient substitute for the alcohol and drugs like the beautiful book says.

And if you don't replace the alcohol drugs with a sufficient substitute like the 12 steps program, if you don't replace what you've been doing with what you need to do, and if you sit around these rooms and have a sober belly without a head full of I a n a c a, you will hurt. You will hurt so bad, and you will hurt so bad that you will have to use again. Right. Because that's what happens right here. Clean and sober people drink and drug again.

Yeah. Because they don't find a sufficient substitute for the alcohol and drugs that they've been using. That's right. And they hurt. And if you think coming to meetings and sticking your ass in the seat, you think that it's gonna come up through the hole in your gut through osmosis, you're nuts.

It ain't gonna happen. We got some work to do around here, and that's what we need to do. And I never knew that, but Johnny did and you guys did, and you saved my ass. And it was cocaine anonymous that got through to me. Now I may have been told all lots of other things, but I never heard it.

I don't blame people because I know I've always had a hearing problem. I got a hearing problem. I don't hear shit right. Never have. Never happened just because I got ear.

All my life, I don't hear shit right. I don't collate things the same as normal people. I didn't realize it until I got to recovery because that's what me an alcoholic addict. See, years ago when I was just a little kid and I grew up learning how to survive, and I wouldn't like what was being said. I wouldn't like what you said to me, so I would change it mentally to what I did like and then I later found out along the path of life that alcohol and drugs did that for me.

That's what made me an alcoholic addict. Alcohol on drugs changed my perception of reality. That was what it was that made me an alcoholic addict. Not what I did because I was alcoholic, but what alcohol and drugs did for me which was change my perception of reality, and that's what makes you an alcoholic addict. Most people don't realize that.

Alcohol and drugs changes my perception of reality. I don't know that. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't realize that. I don't know that I'm a alcoholic addict.

I don't know that. How would I know? Well, you think I could work it out. I don't know, you know, that alcohol and drugs changes my perception of reality, but I call it a nerd remover. Alcohol and drugs removes the nerdness.

I feel like a nerd I use and I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I use and I don't care if I'm a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I use and you're a goddamn nerd, screw you. Mary in my home group, she's a badass alcoholic addict, she's a delicate little dudette, she puts it as well as I've ever heard anybody put it, she says when she drinks and drugs she feels wittier, prettier, and tittier. I know exactly what she means, I know exactly what she means, see, alcohol drugs removed that was the essence of the duck and the eagle story, alcohol drugs changed me from a duck to an eagle, I go out drinking as a little duck, have a few swift ones, turn into an eagle and go swooping around looking for prey.

I don't know that even if I've been told it I don't hear it right. Anybody here got a hearing problem? Yeah. No shit. Used to drive my mum mad.

I would go home drunk, my when I lived in my mum's house. Now I don't know whether you got a mum like my mum or whether you even is a mom like my mom, I don't know. But you couldn't get one over my mom in her house. In her house, that was her domain. She knew every nook and cranny in that house.

And I would come home ripped. Alcoholics and addicts have this insane belief that they know how to be quiet. Remember? And would come home stumble bumming around, and of course, my mom would hear everything. She I'm sure she slept with one eye open, you know.

She would yell out down the stairs, don't keep going, sir. And I'll go, sir, hello, mom. She say I'm not bloody drunk I've been in bed since 9 o'clock, what the hell is wrong with you? Are there any other weird those here tonight? And the rest of you lying mothers, I know weirdos when I was here.

All my life people seem to say to me what is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with you? For God's sake what wrong with you? Goddamn weird you are, you know that? You're weird you are, now get the hell away from me, weirdo.

The hell's wrong with you? Goddamn weirdo. And I wouldn't get it. I think, why are they saying that? So why'd you say that?

Why do you drink like you do? Drink like you do? Okay. Well, why don't you drink like I do? Because I don't think there's nothing wrong with me.

It's you. She and I don't know. I don't know nothing about nothing till I come here. Till I come here and one relates to another like we do because that's the magic that we got here. The magic that we got that they ain't got out there.

They don't understand us out there. They don't know in Kansas City with Missouri or Kansas what we're doing in here. They don't understand what we're talking about. Mom does. Every year I go on to London, England and see my mom, own mom does.

Every year I go on to London, England to see my mom, knock on her door, tell her mom clean and sew for 21 years. She says so is the cat. She don't give me no power on the back for not doing something I shouldn't have done anyway. I'm busy, she says. I'm going to Bingo.

1 year I called her, you know what I think was year 13, went on, didn't go round to her first. Now I got 3 sisters and a brother, went on first, they knew I was home, but never went round to mom first to tell her the truth. She heard I was in town, she got all worried and concerned didn't she? She called up my sisters and brothers, she said, he's in town, you know, but he ain't been around to tell me he's clean and sober. He ain't got drunk, is he?

Is he alright? He ain't gonna die, is he? Because moms make out they don't care, don't they? But they do care, don't they? And we affect them, don't we?

Same as we affect our own kids, don't we? See? Don't have to do that today clean and sober. What a gift, what a gift. Ain't gotta do that.

I'll share with you the first time I've shared this in public. This week my mom died, she's no longer with me. Big loss. I'm a poor little foreign orphan in a strange land. You know, there's no reason for me to drink and drug.

I don't drink and drug for any reason nor do you. We don't drink and drug because of any reason. There's no reason for us to drink and drug, but well, you know what we do have? We have a false delusionary thought that we believe that not we don't drink and drug over whatever it is that happens to us like death in the family or accidents or losing my money or anything. We don't drink a drug over there.

We drink a drug over the false belief that drinking and drugging will ease the pain of what we're going through. That's right. See, we don't have to do that. That's why I I've got to understand what it is about me that makes me alcoholic addict. Alcohol drugs changes my perception of reality.

See, and here in sobriety I can go through anything without having to that's all we have got folks. That's all we have got right here, right now. A way of living where no matter what happens we ain't got a use over it. Not that it ain't gonna happen, but when it does happen, I ain't got a use over it because it will happen, folks. It will hit the fan, fetal position on the floor, eating the carpet in sober, I was in the fetal position on the floor, eating the carpet in so much pain I couldn't stand it.

But guess what? Johnny was there for me again, and at 10 years clean and sober Johnny walked me through that. I couldn't have got through it on my own, I don't believe. I walked through that without having to drink and drug. Some clever ass people thought well, what step wasn't you working?

So get out away from me, idiot. It's because I was working such a strong program that I was able to come through that without having to use over it. That's why, and guess what folks, I like to say this, and I grieve the loss of Johnny. But at 17 years clean and sober, Johnny couldn't do for himself what he helped me and many thousands of others, and he ODed and died. Don't do that folks, stick with us, stick with us.

We have a power in here. I wanna remind you of something now. I haven't drink drunk and drug and I drink drunk and drugged I think I've maybe related to you somewhat of what I was like. Broke, busted, disgusted, and not to be trusted. Hurting, Hurting, crazy insane, just a pain in everybody's ass.

Ain't that way today? Ain't that way today? I just came back from Asia. I just spent a month in Asia. I spoke at the Bali convention, I did conventions and workshops all throughout Thailand, and I ended up in Hong Kong where we got a CA meeting there, a thriving CA meeting, Peter's over there, and I spoke at the cocaine anonymous meeting in Hong Kong.

That was Asia. That's the 6th continent that I've spoken at in the last 3 years carrying this message all over the world. When I got got to a a n a c a on January 15, 1983, I had nobody to talk to. Nobody would talk to me. There wasn't a degree or the compass that I could talk to, I could turn to and expect somebody to be glad to see me.

Everybody x ed me out of their life and I x'd them too. Now I've spoken carrying this message on 6 continents, if you don't think that gives me a big fat feeling, I got news for you. I love being an active member of cocaine and alcoholic addict. Won't nobody breathlessly waiting for me to show up when I got here. I can promise you that.

I never had no loving God in my life. You guys told me let go and let God. I said what? You said turn it over to God. I said what?

You said pray to God. I said what? Pray to God? If I pray to him he'll know where I am. I've been ducking God for years, me.

I get nervous when dudes are creeping around. Yeah. How would I pray to something that I had the idea of that I was gonna like God was gonna get me for everything he was gonna get me. God was gonna get me. I had this vision of like, praying to the Holy Father and go, oh, Holy Father.

There you are, you little shit. I've been looking for you. Zap. Ain't Ain't true today. Ain't true today.

In the beautiful book Alcoholics Anonymous, it says something on page 93 that I love. It says, he can choose any concept of God he likes provided it makes sense to him. That is a condition my friends. I know it's glib for people to say our book is meant to be suggestive only, the book says it of itself. This book that says of itself our book is meant to be suggestive only, may have bloody well meant to be suggestive only, but it ain't.

It's got clear cut precise instructions, directions, and rules to follow. One of those conditions are, he can choose any concept of God he likes provided it makes sense to him. That is a condition. What sense does it make to you? What perception have you got of a power greater than yourself that you can rely on?

Especially at 2 o'clock in the morning when the demons are screaming and your ass is in a swing, and you got a you so bad, you better have something going for you than the fact that you don't wanna do it. You better. Provided it makes sense to you. What sense does it make you? Nobody asked that question.

It's almost beyond its sacrilege. You're not supposed to ask people that. That's private. Screw that. I wanna know.

See, and we know something around here folks, if you're new around here, we know something in recovery, we've learned some things around here since we inaugurated. Look, we know that matter what kind of god you got, doesn't matter what kind of god you got. This thing we got here works for everybody. Even if you're atheist or agnostic, if you don't believe in God or can even prove there ain't a God, we don't care. Because what we got here is a way of life that we can depend upon, and we know that all the gods, no matter what kind of gods you got, and it don't matter to us what kind of god, we have no truck with anybody's preference along these lines.

It don't matter whether it's a Catholic, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, you can have a leg of the chair God, a doorknob God, you can have any kind of God you like because we don't care, because all the gods have at least one thing in common, you know what that is? All the Gods no matter what kind of Gods you got all send their addicts here, That's right. Don't they? Yeah. Don't they?

That's why they send them here. Because here the power that they provided for an addict like me to not have to use. See that's what we got here. Think about it. So what do you think about it, in our first step it says, we admitted we were powerless over cocaine and all other mind all doing substances.

Right? Now that our lives have become Emmanuel. Let's think think about that, what are we actually saying? We admitted we were powerless over cocaine and all other mind, all in substance. What are we actually saying?

Are we saying that we as a fellowship joined together in unity have no power over cocaine? Is that what we're saying? Think about it. Think about it. Are we saying that we as cocaine anonymous join together in unity have no power over cocaine?

Because if we are, we're screwed. And if we ain't saying that, well then we must be acknowledging that we do have a power. That we joined together in unity do have a power. I got news for you. If you're a real addict of my kind, presumably of your kind, and truly are powerless over cocaine.

In and of myself I'm powerless over cocaine, If there ain't a power right here, right now enabling me to not have to drink and drug, I gotta to get loaded. If I don't have a power enabling me to not drink and drug, I got to get loaded. If I truly am, it's alright, I got it. I have trouble with cold water, I keep wanting to bless it and turn it into wine like the other dude did, you know. Thank you.

See? If I'm powerless over cocaine, and I don't have a power City is ready for 300 cocaine addicts to go out and use tonight. So there must be a power right here right now enabling 300 addicts to not have to use tonight. Right here right now. So, why am I walking around claiming I'm powerless in cocaine anonymous for Christ's sake?

I don't know why we do that. We do that but I don't know why we do that. I don't do that. Cocaine anonymous is such a power over cocaine. Next page.

I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the next page.

I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the next page. I'm gonna go back to the I wish I could. Just say no. I don't even know where that shit comes from.

Just say no to a full blown dope fiend like me. Just say no. It's like telling that homeless dude on the corner, hey, homeless dude, just get a house. Get a goddamn house, homeless dude. You prick.

If I could get a house, I wouldn't be homeless. Yeah. And if I could just say no to cocaine, I wouldn't be a dope fiend neither. See, I can't not do it just because I don't want to because I got a disease that I'm powerless over that makes me do what I already don't wanna do. So I gotta not wanna do it, but then I gotta do these steps and this work so that I don't do what I already don't wanna do.

And if I ain't doing these steps in this work or I ain't done these steps in this work, I will do what I don't wanna do because the disease I got that I'm powerless over will make me do what I don't wanna do. That's right. You think I knew that shit when I got here? Incomplete message. For example, there is no mention in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous about Admittance, Acceptance, and Surrender.

Admittance, Acceptance, and Surrender is not mentioned in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but we've took it up enough. You're a very decent bunch, you even let hunchbacks in here. What was I saying now? There is no mention in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous about admittance, acceptance, and surrender. Not even mentioned.

And yet we got folk walking about it, calling it the program, calling it the buyout. Admitance acceptance and surrender. Sounds like the deal but it's not the deal. It sounds people talk about it as if it's the deal but it ain't. Fully concede to your innermost self that you are is the deal and then admit, accept, and surrender to that.

But if you're trying to admit, accept, and surrender without having fully conceded to your innermost self that you are, you're screwed and it won't work. Yeah. That's all. Do you know what also ain't ain't mentioned in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? Hitting bottom.