An H&I Workshop in Florence, AL sponsored by the Survival Group of Narcotics Anonymous and the North Alabama Area

Well, good evening, everybody. My name is Doreen. I'm a very grateful recovering addict. Good evening. And it's really good to be here, even though I tried like hell to get out of it.

And when they called me, I had to go to to California, you know. I said, well, I don't think I'll be able to make that because I gotta go to California tomorrow, you know, the second or the third, something like that. And he say, well, well, when do you think you'd make it? I said, I don't know. I think it's he said, what about the 19th?

I said, oh, shit. So but they say, what lift would you go, you know, for your recovery? And, I know when I was out there doing the things that I was doing, I would go to any length to get the drugs and things that I needed to obtain to keep me functioning out in the street doing all the negative things that I was doing. Now if I may be jumping from here to there because I am kinda tired. It's been a long day for me.

I've been up ever since about 5 o'clock this morning, you know. And, I went in and put some cold water on my face. But, I'm okay. And like I always say, it's gonna be alright. You know?

I, started using drugs at a very, very early age, and I left home at a very early age. And, if I had to be jumping from here today, that's the way I just get started, you know. And so many people come up afterwards and ask me, well, what happened to your son? Well, what happened with you and your husband? Well, what happened with you and your sister?

I don't know. I'll be just talking just talking, you know, once I get started. You know? But everything turned out alright. That's all I can tell you.

I stopped using drugs back in, hard drugs now, back in June of 68. And I cannot stand up here and tell you that it was no doing of mine. I didn't make up my mind and say that this was it. I'm gonna stop using drugs and, you know, get my life together. It didn't happen for me like that.

What happened is that I got locked up for the last and final time I know today After being incarcerated so many times in and out of jail for soliciting prostitution, name it, I've been through it all. And when I come out, I was scared to death. And if there's any newcomers in this room tonight, I know no doubt maybe they can relate to that, coming into this fellowship, you know, wondering if there was any hope for you, wondering if you can get your life together, you know, wondering, would you ever be ready for society? Or could you ever do any of the other things that you've seen people doing? And I always like to look at this now as like it was a gift from God.

You know, it was just my time. And when I went over to that jail for that last and final time, what happened is that I knew that I was sick and tired of doing the things that I was doing. You know? And I did want a new way of life, but I didn't know how to get started. Here I am, unskilled, uneducated, not knowing which way to start or which way to go with my life.

And I sit over at that jail, and I begin to start thinking, you know, what was gonna happen to me. And what had happened was when they took me to jail, I got laid over for 8 days, and I got very sick. By that time, I should have been kicked my habit. But I got real sick, and they had to take me from the jail, from women's detention center over to DC General Hospital, which is a hospital in DC. And there, they found out that I had a heart murmur.

And on top of finding out that I had a heart murmur, they found out that I had a venereal disease, which was in the face first stage of syphilis. And if I stand up here tonight and if I tell you that I knew what was wrong with me, and I was about to go somewhere and see about myself, I'd be telling a damn lie. Because I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I wasn't about to go anywhere to see about myself. So you see, I know it's only through the grace that I'm standing up here this Napoleon tonight, especially with things that's happening and going on today and the type of life that I was leading. Still, I made probation behind that charge, and I came out.

And I still didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know which way to begin or start my life. I had long since separated myself from my family. I had a kid out of wedlock at the age I got pregnant at the age of 15. And at the age of 16, after he was born, I left home because I thought I was a woman.

It wasn't nobody nothing nobody could tell me because I had a child. So I stuck out to go out on my own. And when I left home, I had no idea of the things that I was gonna run into. And the same way, when I come out of jail, I didn't know how I was gonna begin to get my life together. Like I said, unskilled, uneducated, not knowing which way to turn.

You know? I didn't even know how to stand up and hold a decent conversation with anybody because all the people I knew were people of the life that was out there. And the type of language we spoke was, hey, motherfucker. How you doing, bitch? And that was just like everyday language.

That's how we talk. Hey, bitch, you know so and so. Say, yeah, motherfucker. I remember so and so and so. Oh, kiss my ass.

So and so and so and so. You know? Well, that was that was holding a general conversation, you know? So here again, I was very fortunate. They had opened a woman's halfway house in Washington, DC, and it was the first woman's halfway house that they had opened up in Washington, DC.

And I was one of the first residents in that house. I've never been to any kind of treatment for drugs, no more than getting locked up, coming out, and staying clean for about a month or 2 months. I think I stayed clean the longest about 6 months. You know? And as the story go, you could always stop, but you never knew how to stay stopped.

And when I went to that house, I was scared to death because I didn't know what to do. I hurt. I really hurt. You know? And when I say that I hurt and I really hurt, I mean, I hate hurt with an emotional feelings, which I did not know anything about at that time.

I was just all knotted up and tied up on inside and I could not talk about anything. I did not know how to talk about Doreen. But anything or anybody else, I could talk about, and I could help you talk about. But when it comes to talking about me, I don't want nobody in my business. I could not tell you the pain of what I was going through with.

And now that I look back on my life, I see that I was a very sick girl even even before I started using drugs, even before I even got in my teens. Because at the age of 8 years old, I was accused of being raped. And at that time, I did not get raped. But the humility that I had to go through with at the age of 8 years old, I know today it left a real deep scar on me. What happened was police came.

They took me to the hospital to examine me and everything. They found out I had not been touched. And they picked the man up and took him through a lot of changes. And they finally let him go when I hadn't when they found I had not been touched. But after that is when the scars really came.

People would point at me and say, there go that little girl that's so and so raped. People would point at me and tell me tell their kids, I don't want you playing with such and such a person. You stay away from her. You know? Or when I went out to play, little boys was pulling at me, making dirty justice, and I found myself fighting all the time.

So I began to withdraw at a very early age. When things begin to happen with me, I never did say anything about it. I would just keep it in. And at that age, I began to develop an attitude of I just didn't give a damn. I just didn't care.

At the age of 12 years old, I did get raped. And it was a very brutal rape. I come home with my clothes all distorted, torn, and messed up. And my mom didn't want to know what happened, and I could not tell them. They thought I had been in a fight somewhere, so I got punished for that.

But I never did talk about that rape. And I know today why I didn't talk about that rape. It's because when I went through it when I was 8 years old, I imagine I just didn't wanna go through that anymore. I started growing up, and like I said, I got pregnant. I left home right after my kid was born.

I started prostituting. I started stealing, lying, naming. I've done a little bit of everything under the sun. If there's some things you could think of, you may say, I wonder if she done that. You haven't done that too.

I stayed out there for over 18 some odd years out in that street, wondering from pillar to post, Just blocking out anything, not seeing what I did, who I was with, what I did when I was with them, or anything. And like I said, I had long since separated from myself from my family because they did not understand me. Hell, I didn't even understand myself, so how could I expect anybody else to understand me? So here I was out in that jungle all alone, but thinking I was slick or smart and knew everything. It got so bad for me out there, I got down to be as low as any woman could get.

I couldn't even stand on the corners and be a a good decent prostitute anymore. That's just how bad I begin to look. Taking anything from anybody, as long as it was something it's a good thing I was a thief, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have gotten anything while I was out there. So you see, when I come out of jail and I went into this halfway house, I was clean. My head was clear, but I was scared.

I was fighting to death because all them little monsters start popping up. And I want to shove them back down. I got in that house. And by me being the 1st woman registered in that house, they had things to do in the house, like putting up curtains and getting the house set up for other girls come in. And I think I just buried myself in that house, making curtains, washing woodwork, and and washing the walls and helping to get the room set up.

You know? So I wouldn't have to go out. And when I did go out, I would go out with the counselors. And the counselors were so glad to have me there for experience because they didn't know what the hell they was doing either. That I got real close to him.

I wouldn't even I wouldn't walk, half a block without somebody being with me. That's just how frightened I was. After I was in that house for about 3 months, other women begin to come in their house. And there were other women who, like, were my peers, women I had hustled with, women I had exchanged money with, clothes with, women I had even laid up with. Yes.

I've been through the whole bit. And as these women begin to come in the house, things had begin to happen to me while I was in that house. Like, I took a lot a lot of pride in some of the things I had done in that house. So when women begin to come in the house and they begin to sit down and they take a smoke off a cigarette and they they ask you to see instead of putting the ash in there, going over, put the ash in the ashtray, they would do it from here. And the ash would fall on the floor.

And I would say, no guilt is wrong with you. Don't just shit that damn ass straight over there. And they would say things to me like, bitch, you must be crazy. This ain't your house. So this is a dumbest damn house.

But I have to get this ass together. So get up there and bring the ass to the rail, move closer to the ashtray. And they couldn't understand why I was speaking out so about something that didn't even belong to me. And one night, the counselors come to me. The head counselor, the director of the house, came to me and said, Doreen, say, you know, we don't have anybody to cover the midnight staff, chef.

So do you think that you can handle that midnight staff? Shift for us until 8 o'clock in the morning. We had about 10 women in the house. And immediately, I say, oh, sure. I can handle that ship.

Right away. They said, well, okay. So they left out there and left me with the keys and everything to the house. And I went in the office and sit in the office, put my feet up on the desk, and talk to the damn telephone, like I knew what time of day it was, and what was going on, and what was happening. And then here come the girls all in the office.

We're sitting down lying about our men, who I bought a Cadillac for and how much money I had. I ain't had shit. Oh, we was telling all them lies and everything. And somebody else says, dang. I sure would like to have a cup of coffee.

Somebody else say, I would too. And they said, Doreen, let's go downstairs and get some coffee. I said, well, you know, we eat. I ain't got no business down in that kitchen. I said, because after hours, we're not supposed to be down there.

It's all, we ain't gonna mess up nothing. We just gonna get the call and come on out. And I called this way in 2 hats, wanting to be alright, knowing that we had no business down in that kitchen. But I took them down in the kitchen, I let them get the coffee. And they got to kitchen, the coffee, and one of the girls said, dad, what we have for dinner tonight?

And I'll never forget, we had poke chops, mashed potatoes, and spinach for dinner that night, and salad. Girl say, I'm hungry. I'm a give me one of these pork chops out here. And I say, wait a minute. We said that we just gonna get some coffee and then we're gonna leave out here.

You understand me? She said, we're gonna test on that food. And the girl said, shit. I'm a give me one of these folks out there. I don't think what that shit you talking about.

And before I knew it, my whole thing had changed. I said, alright. Everybody out to the goddamn kitchen. Ain't nobody getting a goddamn thing. And I barricaded the prison there like it was my life.

If they touch that prison there, I'm gonna kill somebody. So, of course, the girls went on and they said, now see there, you stopped us from getting the coffee. Don't we just gonna get the coffee and the girl not gonna touch the phone. I said, well, get the goddamn coffee and let's go out of the kitchen. And I just stood there just rocking like I was gonna kill somebody.

So sure enough, they got the coffee and they got out of the kitchen. And I looked around, see everything was in shape like nobody had been down here. So when I come out of the kitchen, lock the door, say, But for the first time in my life, I felt loneliness. When them girls got upstairs, they talked about me like a dog. They said they didn't get that bitch pair of keys, and she'd lost her mind.

That bitch ain't nothing but a police bitch, so on, so on, so on. And right then and there, I needed somebody to talk to. I needed somebody to understand me. I needed somebody to be with me, but there was nobody to be with me. And now I know today that that was the God of my understanding working in my life.

He had me out there on the desert. And he said, my child, you are alone out here on this desk. And I felt the pain of humility. And I begin to get back. And I couldn't sleep none that night.

Next morning, when the director come in, she wanted to know what happened, And I explained to her what had happened. No. I told her nothing had happened. And I walked out the hall and the girls come down the steps and somebody says, they go there old bitch there now. And I run back in my office.

I told her what had happened. She said, did you learn anything out of that? I said, yes. I did. I shouldn't have opened that door for them.

She says, okay. Good. She come back to me again that night and asked me, would I watch that shit again that night? I said, oh, shit. I did not wanna go through that.

But go through that, I must. So that night, I watched the house, and the girls come back that same next sight and did the same thing. We set up the week after we left. They had forgotten all about the night before. They had forgotten about how they had talked to me and how they had treated me.

Like nothing had ever happened. And I sit there. It seemed like my God had me wide open to say, look at this story. Get a good feel of this story. And I sit there with him, and I laughed and I thought, and I lied and jived around with him.

And that magical word come up again. Let's get some coffee tonight. I said, you know what, y'all? I said, if I were y'all, I would get a petition, and I would write a petition out and everybody sign it. And And when miss Carson come in here in the morning, I would give her that petition because y'all should have a coffee pot up here and some snacks up here for y'all a certain time of night.

Because I'm not open that goddamn kitchen tonight. And, man, this is when the shit just start. If I was struggling the night before that, you can imagine what I was that night. And here again, I said, the god of my understanding just grabbed me up and held me, and I begin to listen to what they were saying. Who does she think she is?

She thinks she's so cute. Oh, she thinks she's so perfect. She act like this is her goddamn house, so on so on so and so. But what I was hearing them say, Doreen is changing. A Doreen is changing.

She ain't going for that bullshit no more. That was my first lesson in dealing in humility and beginning to speak out for myself. Because for the first time in my life, somebody trusted me. For the first time in my life, somebody gave me some responsibility, and I told them that I could handle it and damn if I wasn't gonna handle it. And that's what I did.

Now mind y'all, y'all haven't heard me say anything about any yet. Yet. Because for 8 years, I stayed out there before I found fellowship. And I always like to say that I staggered with God's loving arms around me for 8 years until it was time for me to find this fellowship. And what happened?

And like you say is in our who, what, and how about alcohol. It's one of the oldest known drugs. I stopped using drugs, but I started drinking because it was accepted by society. And a lot of us go from one extreme to the other extreme. By the way, I wound up getting a job in that halfway house, the first job I've ever had of being a counselor in that halfway house.

And I started hanging out with people who socialize and brank on the weekend. That was okay. But there still was the empty void that was down inside of me that was not being filled. I still did not feel right. I got a promotion from the halfway house to work down at the central office.

And there, I had to take on a caseload of drug addicts, practicing drug addicts. Them practicing their hard drugs, and I'm practicing my alcohol. That was a hell of a combination. Me trying to tell them what they're doing to their lives, and they're telling me that I ain't nothing but an alcoholic. But what was happening, you all, I was scared.

I was scared to death. I needed something to hold on to. I needed something to hold on to. Now mind you, I haven't begin to really dig deep and deal inside here. Everything was sort of circus like.

I begin to look good on outside and, you know, look like I'm handling my stuff. I'm not hanging out with the wrong crowd, and all this jibber jabber and stuff, you know. But I was a very lonely, lonely individual. All I could do was go to work and come home from work in my apartment with me and my body. Until it got to the point where I was beginning to have blackouts and things, not remembering what I did the night before and things like that.

And the last bout with that was when I woke up in bed with my bootlegger. Here's a man standing over top of me, wanting to know, bro, what you want breakfast? I said, man, what the hell are you doing in my house just out there in time now? I thought I was home. I know it was almost time for my husband to get home.

I went home that morning and happened to beat my husband home, but I got on my knees and I prayed like I never prayed before. I asked God to please help me me because seem like I'm getting ready to go right back down that path I come back from. I was getting ready to go right back. I tried to go to church, but church couldn't feel that void. Nothing could really feel that void.

What was I gonna do? And I thank God, fellow who's my sponsor today. I started out, and I thank God for that other fellowship who introduced me to the other fellowship. And I began to start going to meetings. And it were meetings like we have.

People were sharing their experiences to strengthen their hopes. The first time I ever heard anybody talk, it was this man at the podium. He was talking, and he was sharing. And this guy looked like a professor. And some of the things that he was saying about himself, I could not believe it.

As sharp and as good as this guy was looking, stand up at the podium. And it sort of caught my ear. Because I'm so used to being around people who talk about people, and I'll help you to talk about people, but don't say a goddamn thing about me. And I had to go back to another meeting to find out if this was really true. And I stayed in that meeting, the meeting for 2 years.

Nobody told me that I could not talk. I talk about every damn thing in there. The women used to shiver when they hear me talk, because I would let it all fall out. And my sponsor happened to be a drug addict who turned into an alcoholic. And he told me not to talk about drugs in these people.

And when they called on me, I said, I can't talk about one without talking about the other, because our drug is a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. And when I begin to find out how forceful I was in speaking, I began to talk out and couldn't nobody keep me quiet. And they started. We started. Said we should have something like this for the drug addicts.

And they told me they had started a drug meeting in Washington, DC, up at the VA. And I went into the VA hospital to that meeting at Friday night, and it was so dark in there. And they had a lamp on the table, and you had to look like this when you wanted. I said, well, what kind of meeting is this? I said, this is the drumbeat.

This is the drumbeat. I mean, like, you know. I said, what? You can't see nothing. Get on me.

My life is overbooked now. I'm beginning to feel kinda good about myself now. That voice that I said I had there was beginning to sort of close-up a little. You know, I began to feel that voice up because I had begin to start talking about Doreen, you know, and talking about the pains of things. Talking about how I was going through them emotional changes.

Talking about how I was waiting. Oh, no. But I thank God for that meeting today. Because I sit there, and I begin to tear them drug addicts talking about the pain of growing. How they felt about talking about themselves.

And they're talking about this, and they're talking about that. And they sound alright, but I just didn't like being in all of that. I said, oh, no. And that's when I found that little white book. Narcotic Anonymous.

And I begin to read that book after I left that meeting, and I liked everything I read in that book. And I called out California, and I talked to Jimmy Kaye. And Jimmy Kaye said, well, baby, we're gonna send you some starter kits down here so y'all can get to working in DC. I said, thank you. And the first meeting we open up was down in the federal courts of DC, outside outside that hospital.

I opened a meeting up down in the federal court, me and about 5 or 6 other people. And we've been rolling ever since, and that's been over 10 years ago. We don't have no more meetings in the dark. Because as we say, it's a lie. And you say addict don't recover anymore because there's living proof in this room here.

And I'm here to tell you tonight, there is no growth without pain. And the only way out of this thing is you got to go through it. I come in here and I had to go through a lot of changes. I mean, some growing changes. I come in here.

I had to get rid of my husband. Yeah. He was practicing, and him and I wasn't about the same thing. And as much as I loved him, I had to turn him loose. Because y'all told me that I couldn't save nobody but myself.

And I left my husband, and I had to go on working on Doreen. I had to deal with the loneliness and the pain of loneliness. I had to find out that I might be lonely, but I was not alone. God, of my understanding, was all they would be at all time. There was times I had apartment.

I did not wanna be in it by myself, but I have never been anywhere by myself. So Doreen, it's time to get to know Doreen. So who have I got in here with me? I got the god of my understanding, and then I got another one that calls. And don't you know I had to battle?

I had a battle on my hand with Stewfoot. But as my hope increased, my faith increased, and Stufor began to decrease. I begin to go home and make my stuff stay in that apartment. I had nowhere else to go after my meetings. I began to get involved in this program here.

Got y'all HNI. The schools. Any way I could go, I was trying to clear the message, any way I go. At night, I used to hate to go home because I hate to go home alone. But then I would go home and I begin to read my literature.

I begin to read the basic text. And I also have some spiritual little literature that I read too. That's something to keep my spirits up. And I would sit there and I moan, and I groan through the pain. I sit there and I rock and I talk.

Sometime I would get a chair and put it in the middle of the floor and get another chair and sit in between that chair, facing that chair. And I would sit down and I'd have a talk with my God. And I would tell him how much I was hurting, how I felt, what I felt like doing. There was time when Stu Ford would tell me to get up and go to the door and go in on out. And I would get up and go to the door.

And I said, not tonight, Stu Ford. Maybe tomorrow, but not tonight. Who will not get a piece of this tonight? I remember the times I couldn't sleep. I would twist and turn in my bed and I'd jump straight up in the bed and cut on the lights.

And me and Stuford would sit there on the side of my bed and have a little talk. I'll defy your ass tonight, Stuford. I dare you to come in here messing with me if you wanna. Now I'm tired, and I gotta get some sleep because I gotta go to work tomorrow morning, and you get your ass out here and get up, open my door and slam it. And get back in bed and sleep like hell.

And if you don't think it will, I damn try it. And you know how you get that thinking thinking sometime? Sometimes I'll be riding along in my car. I'll be thinking about my husband. He had left a man, a man got another woman.

Living with another woman, I wanna go up there and break windows and kicking doors and everything else. And say, why don't you ride by there? Just go and then take a peek. And I will stop my car and pull it to the curb and say, look, if we get out because I don't want your ass riding with me today. Do you understand that?

And over all four doors on my car, up the hatch and say, get your ass out of here and stay in the door and get back in my car and keep riding. I'm a tell you, it works. I get in my bathroom sometime and get down on my knees. I said, lord, I don't feel too good. I'd look in the mirror at myself.

I I said, Lord, I don't feel too good. I don't like this lady today. So get down on your knees. I'd get down on my knees in front of the commode, and I start talking, and then I start flushing. I flush all that shit down there.

You can't tell me what can happen if you really try. And of course, there's gonna be some pain because you got to unlearn and start relearning all over again, and that ain't easy. Here, I am a woman in the prime of my life. Of course, I want a man. And I got nerve enough to tell one out of my way.

I had a hell of a lot of nerve, didn't I? 4 or some years old. But that's what I had to do. That's just what I had to do. I loved it.

I had to turn it loose. And I had to begin to start working and get to know this woman here. My husband and I, we were separated for 5 years. My husband will celebrate his 7th anniversary next week. So you can't tell me what can happen if you only believe and if you trust in your high power and have the faith to go on in spite of all the adversities.

Why do you think we're in this room? Why do you think the God of my understanding have bonded us all together like this? Because he knows. He knows before the shadow of a doubt that it's gonna be alright. So when the storms come, and the wind blows, and the rain start pulling, you just grab hold of your ship, and just hold them.

Then you start rocking from side to side, And then before you know it, the storm is passing over. Then you will wonder how that I can get to go. Oh, good God almighty. And you'll be out of this storm. But you're gonna have to go through something.

And like I tell, like, a lot of people come in, they want to be, because everything's so perfect. You haven't heard me say anything about the steps yet. Because if you listen to me, you can hear the steps incorporated in my life. I don't have to let you know how much I know about the basic text. I don't have to let you know that I can tell you all about the first step.

What I have learned how to do is incorporate them steps in my life, and I gotta work them steps every day. Not just today. I've got to work them steps every day of my life. You don't forget. Oh, get down 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and I'm through.

I don't have to pick this book up no more. That's a damn lie. Life is going on. Things are still happening. And you got to work each and every day.

And if you don't have no faith, nothing will come to you. And like I always say, I don't fail in anything I do. Nothing do I fail in. You know why? Because I try.

Even whether it comes out the way I want it or it don't come out the way I want it. At least I can say, Doreen, you did try. And I thank God for that. And I thank you people for that. Because it's only through the grace that I'm here.

I take no credit for what I got because to me, God speaks through people. And I never know when I'm gonna walk in this room And somebody's gonna give me the message from God. That's how this thing works. When I had to make a decision to leave my husband, I went to a detox meeting that morning. And I'll never forget.

It was a rainy, one of them drizzling, one of them good, snooping days. One of them days you could just lay back and just roll in it. And I went into this meeting. And I looked around, and for some reason, that meeting was crowded for women. But it was one particular woman that was in that meeting that caught my eye.

And she was a little old lady. And this lady looked like she was about 80 years old, and she was crumbled up, and she was just she had to shave so bad. And I kept looking at this woman, and I kept looking at this woman, and I kept looking at this woman. And I kept saying to myself, what in the world could this woman have on her that's weighing her down so heavy that she's sitting up in detox this morning. And I kept looking at that woman, and after a while that woman turned into Doreen.

How was you looking at her anymore? Because there by the grace of God, go out. Girl, if you don't get up and do what you got to do, you don't be that little old woman 5, 6, 10 years from now. I jumped up in the middle of the meeting, and I said, thank you. I run out that meeting, I run home, and I start pulling my clothes down out the closet, throwing them in my car, and I said, what's going on with you?

I said, I got to go. He said, you got to go. I said, I got to go. I'm not gonna live like this no more, and I'm leaving. He said, you mean you're leaving me?

I said, I got to go. He said, after all we've been through, I said, I got to go. And he looked at me. He said, well, go ahead on you, black nappy, bitch. I said, well, black?

Yes, I am. Nappy here. Don't too done, never here. I said, but now when you say holier than thou, I said, brother, you don't put me on a pedestal. So evidently, you don't put me somewhere that I am trying to get.

And I wanna thank you because I'm gone. And I left and left everything. Everything in the apartment. Home material thing. You know how sometimes I wanna say, I ain't going because this belong to me, and why should I leave my stuff?

Everything I left. And I moved into a basement apartment. It's nowhere near like my apartment was. And I got in that apartment and I prayed, and I thank God for the roof he put over my head. I thank God for having a job.

I thank God for the money that I had to play and get this apartment. And I thank God for my salvation even though I was hurt. And when I looked around that apartment, seeing that little mouse, and I said, oh, Lord, have mercy. I said, brother, you're still on your side of the room, and I'm a steal mine, and we'll be alright. He went on back in a hole somewhere.

And to show you how things work, I stayed in an apartment way week and got a telephone in there. Standing going to my meetings, Stanley being with my friends in the fellowship. As soon as I got my phone in, I made a phone call. And And I don't know why, but I called my younger sister. And she said, Doreen, where have you been?

We've been looking for you. So we heard that you have left clients. So where are you? And I told her. She said, look, I just got a 2 bedroom apartment for my daughter about 6 months ago.

She said, at least, isn't run out and she's decided to go back with her husband. I don't know what to do with department and the furniture in there. You know, she said she's a month back. Say, if I pay that month back, would you pay take that apartment and you have everything in that? I said, thank you.

Brand new apartment with everything in it. And both bedrooms, the television, everything that I needed. All I had to do was take my clothes and go in there. Show you how things work. My car busted out on me.

Went over to the lot, and man talked me into getting a new car. Let me drive and everything. I said, yeah, I'll take it, you know. So he said, well, how much did you put down there? I said, I ain't got nothing to put down on it.

He said, well, lady, you got to put something down on the car. I said, well, you say you're gonna take every other month? I said, what about the rebate? How about putting the rebate down? He said, lady, you can't do that.

He said, you give me a $100, you can leave out here with the car. I left out there with the car. I couldn't get tags because I had a loan where my car was was set up for the loan for us to get the loan. Not on his car, it was on my car. And the man said, lady, who's hung up?

I said, bitch, can I have the title to my car so I can get my tags? New car. He said, what about this loan lady? I said, well, I've been paying you. You're not old.

You know, I ain't backing my bill. Let me see. But I gotta have some kind of collateral. You know, he said, how the hell did you sell that car anyway? And I got the, the the title for it.

I said, well, the man took it out. He's a junkie, did whatever, gonna do what he said, but maybe, I said, well, I didn't thank you. I just have to take this car back. And turn around, walked out the room and man said, miss. He said, didn't I see article on you in the paper about a year ago?

I said, yes, you did. He said, that was a beautiful article. He said, how are you doing? I said, I'm doing just fine. Turn around, look, he said, yeah.

Give me the title. I said, thank you. So you can't tell me that things don't work. All you got to do is believe and have the faith and follow on through, and it will be alright. I always say, God don't move my knuckles, but just give me the strength to continue to climb.

Don't take away my stumbling blocks, but just leave me all around. And I only got that by coming into rooms like this, and listening to people like you all, and believing and stepping out there. It's alright to make a mistake as long as you don't make the same damn mistake. It's all right to be a fool as long as you ain't that same damn fool. Now I'm a say this and I'm a sit down.

You young ladies, you young men in here, begin to love one another and respect one another. You know? Like a lot of us, we come in here as soon as we 2 weeks clean, or a week clean, or a month clean. Boy, we get to feeling that Cheerios. And it's been so long since I've had somebody to tell me how good I look, and how beautiful I am.

That I'm ready to go for anything. And I'm here to tell you, give yourself a chance. I'm 53 years old and I'm just learning what a wholesome relationship is. I'm just learning how to be with my husband, to sit down in the same room with him and we hold conversations and we can talk. I'm just beginning to learn how to have argument and we have a arguments And I think that this is the end of the world.

I'm just learning how to speak my mind about how I feel. And we sit and we listen, and he does the same thing. If I was thinking our world is coming to an end. I'm just beginning to learn how to appreciate him without having to go to bed. I'm learning how to touch, and how to feel, and be with him.