The Saturday night banquet speaker at the fifteenth CVACNA in Burlington, VT

I'm an addict named Sam. Amen. Yeah. Alright. You know?

It's truly by the grace of God and narcotics anonymous that I'm alive and clean. It's a distinct honor and a privilege to be up here and I wanna thank the program committee for considering me for this particular task. You know, it's special enough being in an event held by Narcotics Anonymous, to walk through this hotel this weekend and feel the love and see people embrace that they don't even know, help each other, see evidence of a loving God walking through this hotel all weekend long. Man, that's phenomenal. To add on to that particular blessing, I got some very special people up here with me tonight.

My fiance is here, because I love you dearly. My big sister is here with her husband and my niece, Chelsea. Got a couple of very special friends up here, Sheila and Don. Got a sponsor that made it. The Gare.

Love you, man. And I'm supposed to mention one particular person twice so people can go back and report to New Haven that I said their name. Steven I am, Steven I am. Okay. I'm done.

Before I embark upon any part of my journey, I like to come from our literature so I can get in touch with a loving God. Let that person in, please. Come on. You're holding us up. Come on now.

I like to come from our text so I can get in touch with a loving god and I can share a message of narcotics anonymous instead of the mess of me. K? This is from we do recover page, 86. Recovery begins with surrender. From that point, each of us is reminded that a day clean is a day 1.

In Narcotics Anonymous, our attitudes, thoughts, and reactions change. We've come to realize that we are not alien and begin to understand and accept who we are. Paragraph on the bottom of page 86. Most addicts resist recovery, and the program we share with them interferes with their using. If newcomers tell us that they can continue to use drugs in any form and suffer no ill effects, There are 2 ways we can look at it.

The first possibility is that they're not addicts. The others that the disease has not become apparent to them and they are still denying their addiction. Addiction and withdrawal distort rational thought, and newcomers usually focus on differences rather than similarities. They look for ways to disprove the evidence of addiction or disqualify themselves from recovery. And finally, in our recovery, we find it essential to accept reality.

Once we can do this, we do not find it necessary to use drugs in an attempt to change our perceptions. Without drugs, we have a chance to begin functioning as useful human beings. If we accept ourselves in the world exactly as it is. Again, I'm an addict. My name is Sam.

Excuse me. I'm gonna give you a little brief history so you can get to know me a little bit. I don't do a real extensive drugalog. I truly believe if your story is not enough to keep you here, then you need to keep coming. My story keeps me here.

Born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut. 2nd oldest of 4 children. My mom basically raised us by herself. Pop left when I was about 6 or 7. I'm not quite sure which.

And my mom did a heck of a job raising 4 kids by herself. I, for the first 11 years of my life, I was the only boy in the house. I need to tell you that was tough. My oldest sister, who's a very loving and caring and gentle person today was a bully when we were growing up. I think from a very early age, I started taking on stuff that wasn't mine and started to feel like I didn't fit in anywhere in my life.

Excuse me. Like, there were certain things Okay. I need some more water? Okay. Thank you.

There were certain things that happened in our life that didn't have distinct effects on me until later on. Like, for instance, I didn't know we were poor until somebody told us. I didn't know it wasn't, abnormal not to have your father in the house until I ran into some friends whose father stayed at home. I, practiced the art of fantasy from a very early age. I would create worlds where I was comfortable, where I fit in, and where I ran things.

It's funny. My mom would always give us a choice when we're about to be punished. Me and my sister laugh about this often. Excuse me. And, the choice was you can get your butt whipped or you can go in your room.

I'm not a paying person. I would choose my room all the time. And and and the prospect of doing that, I I started, like, becoming real comfortable being alone and isolating. My sister, she was much much braver than I was, and she would take the butt whooping and go outside. And I will watch the festivities from my window and just, you know, do my time.

I had a very active imagination as a kid. I would spend hours alone. Anybody who's about the same age I am. I'm about 53 years old and, I had a bag of green army men. You guys remember those.

Right? Yeah. And, I mean, I've come to realize now in retrospect I was anal from a very early age. Identification, I, I would spend hours lining them up on the floor. And I mean, they were meticulously lined up where I can see from 1 helmet all the same ones in a row.

And I would take the books in my room, and I would create a city, and I would drive my Hot Wheels around the books. Very active imagination. It kept me safe from the world. I, I I used to say my family was dysfunctional, but that's not the case. Had a very loving family.

We dealt with what we could with the best of what we had. And, I picked up for the very first time when I was 10 years old, and it wasn't any particular one reason other than opportunity. My cousin and myself were hanging over his older sister's house, and she used to do dope. And, we thought it was so cool to watch them. We would go over her house and trade union projects back in the day, and they would do dope and play chess.

And we thought that was so cool. See, we didn't know they weren't intensely studying the board, that they were in these deep nods. You know? And they would sit there and they would look just so cool and we would hang around them and and try to be like them and, she asked us one day to deliver a package across town, and we did. And the person we gave the package to gave us a bag of, of weed.

It's about an ounce of weed, 5 nickel bags and 11 joints. I remember like it was yesterday. We smoked the 11 joints, all worldly 10 years old of us, gave away the 5 nickels so somebody can roll the rest of the ounce for us, And that was the beginning. Excuse me. Through my act of addiction, through my life, when I say I don't feel like I fit in, let let me qualify that for a little bit.

I was a young, skinny, narrow headed, buck toothed little boy. K? Had no fight game. Had no sports acumen whatsoever. My biggest weapon was my brain, but back in my neighborhood, if he was too smart, she got your behind whooped.

So I I learned how to fit in and become a chameleon at an early age. And when the drugs came on to the scene, I was more adaptable at becoming part of my new environment. It wasn't unusual for us to go to church on Sunday and then do do Sunday school because my grandfather was a baptist minister. And if he were to see me today, he would just shake his head and laugh because, a very powerful man in my life. We would go to church, do Sunday school, then there will be a break between Sunday school and the sermon, and we would go on Congress Avenue and find some weed, smoke it, and go back to church.

The whole time that I sat in the choir stand or in the pew, I was waiting for the lightning bolt to happen because I knew that god saw me go on Congress Avenue and he was not gonna tolerate me going high into his house. I was a smart kid, sometimes to my own detriment. I excelled in school. I loved learning. I loved books.

And my mom was an advocate for education. See, I didn't know until I got older that my mom had a 6th grade education. I didn't. You couldn't. There was no way you would have known.

The woman would read 5 or 6 books a week. We would come home and she'd be on that couch with her glasses on her nose, book wide open, intently reading that book. And, my first book I read was, by Leon Uris. My mom was reading and she wouldn't put it down. I asked her, could I read it when she got done and that's what propelled my love of reading.

So I was a pretty smart kid. And the irony of, like, using at such an early age was when I wasn't high, people thought something was wrong with me. When I was high, they thought I was acting normal. And you know, people say that marijuana is a gateway drug. I don't know about any kind of gateways.

I know if you put if you choose a particular path in your life, that there's consequences. And that it was only a matter of time that it stopped working and I had to seek something else. I would love to sit here and tell you that during the 1st 8 or 9 years of active using my life as a manager, but it wasn't. I was able to have a level of control and maintain that for a while. And I believe that's the love affair that my disease needs me to have to finally get me.

At the ripe old age of 17, 18 years old, Well, at 17, my mom and I had a discussion one time because I had snuck out, went over some girl's house, stayed all night, and I usually will be able to get home before she woke up, you know. And I would play it off because one time she caught me and I was downstairs, so I acted like I had fallen asleep on the couch, which she hated. And I'd rather take that than if she had caught me actually sneaking in. But she caught me sneaking in one time and she told me if you can't live by my rules, you gotta leave. And, you know, and I was all worldly at 17, 18 years old, so I left.

Mind you, I did not go on my own. I went to my grandmother's house, stopped playing. I was still in school. I was working full time, smoking, drinking, doing what was necessary to maintain whatever lifestyle I had told myself was necessary to have. I ran into my uncle one day and, my uncle was a professional booster.

He could steal the stink out of dude. You know what I mean? And he asked me if I wanted to go downtown with him. He was gonna teach me how to shoplift. I see that.

Yeah. We gotta talk when I get done. Yeah. Okay. And he took me down to this store called Edward Mallies which is no longer open in New Haven And he says, okay.

What you do is you take the shirt and you fold it and you put it in the front of your pants and you pull your shirt over it and you walk out. Sound is simple enough. I had never done anything like that before. And I and and I picked this god awful ugly shirt. It was a velour shirt.

It was the middle of the summer. What was wrong with me? It was beige with brown sleeves. It was horrible. And I folded this thing up and I stuck it in my pants.

And from the moment I I I hid the shirt, I felt totally self conscious, like somebody was watching. And I made it to the door and as I got to the door, the security guard put his hand on my shoulder and I actually felt relieved to have gotten caught. Because I don't know about you guys. Once I get away with something, I'm more compelled to do it again. And and they they let me downstairs in the basement to the security area.

And as I was going downstairs, my uncle's walking across the store with a rack of clothes. Whole rack. And even though I was angry that he had used me, I was sort of feeling good about myself because it was me he used, if that makes any sense. Went in lockup, went in front of a judge a few days later, and he says, what's gonna keep me from putting you in jail? I said, if you let me go, I'll join the military.

He said, you bring back your induction papers and you're free. So I joined the military. Excuse me. Now if you're an addict like me, and you know we hate structure, we hate rules, We hate accountability. I don't think Uncle Sam was necessarily a wise choice because of those three things.

I went into the air force. I became a police officer. Yeah. I know. That's the irony.

Other parts of my disease manifested itself. I became very adept at lying, manipulating, maneuvering things around to get my way. I did benefit a little bit from the military because I learned some structure, but I rebelled against everything. In basic training, they used to give you these little these two little pieces of paper that you would stick in your front lapel. And anytime you got in trouble, any officer over your rank can pull a piece of paper, write down the infraction, put it back in your pocket, you had to turn it into your drill instructor at the end of the day.

By the second week, they took my 2 sheets of paper and gave me a pad. Didn't necessarily fit in there either. Did the military, met a woman when I was about 19 years old, fell in into infatuation, fell in love, fell into something. I'm not sure what it was, but she was one of the first women in my life that made me feel like I was wanted and loved and appreciated. I mean, besides my family.

And, we, hit it off and we talked about getting married. And I found out she was pregnant, and I was like just overjoyed. And I was gonna go back to Ohio and, you know, ask her parents for her hand in marriage. Her mother called me and says, I don't want you to see my daughter ever again. And she proceeded to call my, first sergeant and laid down some allegations.

And and they called me in the office and told me that if I go to Ohio for the duration I'm in the military that I end up in jail. So I couldn't go see her anymore. I have a daughter who I have yet to be blessed to see. There's a little gaping hole in my heart that's only gonna be filled by this child. Needless to say that it already fed an abandonment issue that was was already nurturing itself inside my spirit.

And I believe that was the time in my life when I started really just not having respect for relationships, period. Got married, got got married, got kicked out of the military in 1984. For a long time, my mom believed that I made the decision to leave. Uncle Sam sorta helped me with that. Came home, got married, beautiful young lady.

She truly didn't deserve what I put her through. And she surely wasn't looking to go where I dragged her through. We were a cute little couple. Had a little one bedroom apartment, little hoopty, you know. 2 decent jobs, no children, and the promise of a fulfilling life was there because I was still maintaining a certain level with my disease.

My buddy came home from the military about 6 months after I did. And and when I say my buddy, I'm talking about we've been friends since we were 10 years old. I'm talking about we did a lot of things together, including getting clean and staying clean. My best friend has 16 years also. But I'm telling you that we had to develop a friendship based upon something else other than what we were doing.

I can't I he came home. I'm married. He's not. We hung out. Bad idea.

I got reintroduced to to cocaine. 1 night, we were hanging out. And in the beginning, that love affair was there again. You know what I'm saying? The the ability to control it, to take a little bit and fold the bill up and put it away and all the stuff that the disease allows you to think you can do.

And one night, we decided to, go over somebody's house that he knew and this guy took my drugs and put it in this vial and poured some water in there and I was ready to kill him. So I had no idea what he was doing with my stuff. And he commenced to preparing it and, it's the very first time I free based. I need to tell you every other aspect of my disease allowed me a honeymoon. This did not.

I need to tell you that there wasn't that gradual progression. It was straight to while we were doing it, can we get some more? I need to tell you that up until that point, I had oh, let me see. 12 years of active addiction with some level of control and when the crack cocaine hit my life, there was no control. Period.

The end, if I may borrow Sheila's favorite saying, The digression by this time in my life, I had, I was working at the Connecticut State Law Library. I was wearing a shirt and tie every day. Yeah. I was looking good to have a briefcase. You know, life was cool.

People respected me. My peers are like, oh, you're doing so well. And, you know, as an addict, we like that adulation Even when we don't feel it in here. I worked with 2 very lovely women. They were older white women and they were very naive.

And when I mean naive, I mean any excuse I gave them, they ate. Toward the, 3 years from the beginning to the end, man, it got ugly. It got ugly quick. You know, I mean, you get to that point, you're not paying bills anymore. You're not putting food in the refrigerator.

You're not accountable to the person that says they love you. So we had no cable, no lights, no gas, not a motor car, not no even luxury. You know you know the deal. Right? It got to the point where the only time I treated her with any kind of respect was Thursday night because she got paid on Fridays.

And the other 5 days, 6 days out of the week, she was a piece of furniture. It got to the point where our landlord would have to camp out on the front door to have any hopes of getting any kind of rent. And by the time he finally caught up with me, he evicted our butts. Go figure. You know, it was only like 7 or 8 months that he'd be in pay.

Moved in with my mom. My mother was always there and whatever capacity she wanted to be, she was always there And she allowed us to move in and there were some stipulations, of course. Because by this time, I think everybody pretty much knew I had a problem but me. And and the ability to hide it was no longer apparent in my life. I'm talking about that when when I went into treatment in 1987, I weighed a £105 soaking wet.

I'm talking about I was 25 years old wearing a size 26 pant. I'm talking about that I was wearing shirts that I had bought when I had some weight, and the collar was bunched up. I'm talking about the Sinbad belt. You know, the pull and poke, because you're losing the weight. I'm talking about, I lost the ability to look at myself in the mirror because I knew how bad I looked.

I knew how bad I felt. I think somewhere around maybe a year to 18 months to the before I stopped, I truly stopped getting high. And there were a couple attempts at stopping the using. And the most frightening thing I had ever witnessed in my life was the desire to wanna stop using an inability to stop. I white knuckled it for 3 days one time, And I'm sitting around the house and I'm making everybody miserable because you know what addict who wants to use, who decides to try not to use on their own, subjects anybody in their path to the pain.

And by the 3rd day, my wife said, please go get high. It may sound funny, but it was the most frightening thing she ever said out of her mouth. Toward the, living with my mom, The stipulation was, you give me your bank book. This is back before ATMs, cell phones that could fit in the pocket, instant availability to meetings, all that good stuff. So hand her the check, make the deposit, give her the bank book.

I knew I was in trouble when I threatened her life for my bank book, because she wouldn't give it to me one night, and I threatened to hurt her. There comes a distinct time in every addict's life when one particular event becomes undeniably clear that there's something wrong. That was the event for me. Much more abuse, much more insanity. I mean, we're talking about a disease that tells you it's okay to sweep the rug with your fingers and smoke plaster of Paris, rice chips, straw paper, anything that was white that would fit in the pipe.

We're talking about a disease that had me sitting in the same spot for 8 to 12 hours at a time, afraid to go to the bathroom because I may have missed the next one. We're talking about a disease that had me climbing in the second floor of my mother's apartment when I had the key to the front door, because my brain told me I didn't wanna be seen sneaking in. After a second failed suicide attempt, I came home one morning, and I said the 3 words that most addicts say right before this process starts for us. I need help. And it was like a fire drill in my house.

My mom was on the phone making phone calls. My wife was throwing clothes in the suitcase. They were ready for this. And I went up to a treatment facility up in Portland, Connecticut. I didn't even know we had a Portland, Connecticut.

And I learned about my disease. The first two weeks I was there, I was a professional patient. And I was going around the facility telling everybody else how to change their life. I told you I was intelligent. I told you intelligence and peace and addicts ability to hear rational, simple messages.

Okay? And, my counselor finally told me I'm not getting a check. I may as well just be a patient. And I got out, and I I I stayed clean for 6 months, and I changed absolutely nothing except the fact that I did not use. I got into an outside relationship with another addict that was clean.

I picked this particular addict up at a, a drug treatment facility that specialize in mental illness. The funny thing about it is that the people in my home area knew about her, and they kept saying you're gonna use. And I kept saying, nah. It's alright. We just hang out.

We go to meetings. You know, we do our thing. We cool. But the longer we stayed in that dysfunctional relationship and it was dysfunctional because you had 2 addicts with no direction. K?

And the longer we stayed in that in that relationship, the further we had to go to hit meetings because we had to end up somewhere where no one knew us, so we can feel somewhat normal. One night after, dropping her off and and riding around because see, one of the funny things that happens when you do things you ain't supposed to be doing, you don't feel good on the inside. And I couldn't make that revelation about I'm not feeling good. Maybe if I do something different, I'll feel better. I couldn't make that connection.

So I'm riding around. I didn't wanna go home. And I ran into an old friend of mine who lived out my mom used to stay at. And, he wanted a ride home. And I gave him a ride home.

He was actively using. There was no guesstimation. He had the smell, the look, the walk, the act. And I dropped him off, and he invited me in. I said, it's cool.

I'm in recovery. And I went in and and and it was a typical house of people who used. And and, you know, and it was a scurrying because he was the runner. And when he got in, everybody scurried around him and the activity started. And, you know, addicts in the beginning of using for any particular session are usually generous.

You know what I mean? And they offered some. Would you like some? No. Thanks.

I'm in recovery. And I sat there and I watched the muse. Now you take a bad situation and you add some fuel to the fire. And he went out to make another run and this young lady that was in there getting high said, listen, I'm going over to my sister's house. Do you wanna join us?

Mhmm. So I go across town, and they commenced with the ritual, and they offer, and I said, no. Thank you. I'm in recovery. You guys go ahead.

Like, I'm at a dinner table saying I had enough. Thank you. Please. Before that night was over, I was using. See, there's no way an addict who seeks recovery narcotics anonymous can expose themselves to the lifestyle and not be affected by it.

There's no way. And I got high for that weekend. I called my mother up. I said, Maya used again. I don't know what to do.

She said, take your stupid ass to a meeting and she hung up on me. So I surrendered and I went to a meeting and I got that white key chain. I would love to sit up here and tell you that I was full of love, hope, honesty, open mindedness, willingness, service. Not the case. The one thing that kept me clean for about the first 5 or 6 years was pure rebellion because people said I wouldn't stay clean.

You wanna get it active to do something? Tell them they can't. That's why I don't tell anybody you can't get in a relationship. Why send them there? The sad part about that is that, you know, and and there's certain people in here that are just starting this journey and understand that if you start this journey without the proper equipment, all you do is wander lost.

Please understand that. And that's what I did for 6 years. And and it affects every area of your life just like active active addiction affects every area of your life and everyone who comes into your life, so does not recovering. See, I believe that my marriage stopped because I couldn't bring recovery home. I believe that she got tired of being a widow to my disease and then a widow to my recovery.

See, I believe that she got to a point where she thought that it's that old Ann Landers thing. Have you ever heard read Ann Landers and it's about a relationship and ask that same question, are you better off with or without? And she decided she was better off without, and I can't blame her. I mean, what what difference was it? When I was using, I was out all night coming home all different kinds of hours.

When I got clean and let me tell you, in in early recovery back in the in the Connecticut area, you had to travel to hit meetings much like you guys do up here now, and I commend you for that because I know the effort that it takes to do that. And we will pile up in cars and go all over the state of Connecticut to hit meetings. And and I don't know about you guys, but as a recovering addict or an abstinent addict in that in that particular time, I discovered the joy of coffee. You ever wanna know if you're around some addicts, watch them drink coffee. And I mean, I would go to work, have a cup of coffee in the morning, have a cup at the coffee break, go home, dress for a meeting, get a cup of coffee on the way to the meeting, get to the meeting, drink coffee.

After the meeting, go out with addicts and have coffee, and wonder why I never got no sleep. But in the process of doing all that, there were there were particular signs when she was giving me that I wasn't reading that were stating like, why can't you stay home? Why can't you be a part of the house? And my response was, you need to be glad I'm clean. Let me tell you something.

That does not equate to a healthy relationship. I got to a point in my, abstinence where I divorced myself from Narcotics Anonymous. I was tired of y'all. I was tired of the advice. I was tired of going to meetings with people who were happy and chipper and their lives were changing and because this is at a point where the anger was so bad that I was going to business meetings, taking them hostage.

Like, there will be 15 addicts on one side of the issue, and that one lone one would be me. I'm talking about I was going to meetings and raising my hand, and the chairperson will seek someone else to call on. I'm talking about that when I got separated in 94, I had about 6 years clean. And, for the duration that I got separated, man, I would come home and I would smell my family. You know, because a certain home, when you develop that home as a family, it has an aura and a feel and a spirit and a smell to it.

And I would come home and it wouldn't be there because they had left. And I called my mom again. And I said, mommy, I can't stay here by myself no more. It's killing me. God works the way he works, and I don't truly understand his will.

I'm not supposed to. I'm just supposed to follow it. And she was suffering from the empty nest syndrome. My sister had moved down to Virginia. My baby sister had gotten married.

My brother got locked up or was on his way to getting locked up. So she needed somebody to take care of. So God got us together. What I wasn't aware of that was going to be the last 18 months of her life. I'm almost diagnosed with a terminal illness and the kind of strength this woman has.

If I can just get a 10% of it, man, She made her doctor promise not to tell us anything. And she went about her life as if nothing was wrong. And I'm talking about I was working for a company that had me on call and I would like that's why I was a little familiar with Vermont because the area that we cover was Newington, Connecticut to Brattleboro, Vermont. And I would get a call and go get the truck and deliver the equipment and come back home and peel off clothes and collapse across the bed and get up in the morning. Those clothes were cleaned and folded.

I mean, like, she took care of me. And I realized that by being there, I gave her something to love. I remember when I started noticing that she was having difficulty getting around and I sort of said, my, you need to get up out of here because she had a upstairs downstairs. Her home mobility wasn't what it used to be. And, she said, okay.

I'll get my place when you get your place. That was my mom. She thought about everybody else first. And she knew it was time for me to move on. So I got my apartment and she got her place over on Park Street and I helped them move over there and I would check up on her regularly.

And I mean, we had a conversation one day. I'm like, mom, there's certain things I don't know how to cook that I want you to teach me how to cook. And the last thing we were supposed to cook was collard greens. Now I can do the macaroni and cheese, and I'm alright with turkey a little bit, but I couldn't master them collard greens. And she was like, okay.

You just just get them and, bring them on over, and I'll show you how to cook them. We're supposed to get together that Friday, but she wasn't feeling real well. And I said, well, listen. You go ahead and get your rest, mom, and I'll just, just, I'll call you tomorrow and see how you're doing. And the same thing happened Saturday.

And I said, well, I'm just gonna let her rest, and I'll call her Monday and find out how she's doing. I came home Monday on my on my lunch break. I was into Jerry Springer back then. I told you I was angry, And this is back when they were still allowed to fight. And I'm sitting there because one of my favorite lunches, man, is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a bowl of soup.

I I that still just moves me sometimes. And I'm I'm sitting there having my sandwich and soup, and the phone rings, and it's my uncle. And he says, how you doing? I'm like, I'm alright. You know, because my family rarely calls me.

So and he's like, well mom's gone. I said, yeah, well mom had an appointment. She probably will be back later. He says, no. You don't understand mommy's gone.

And, when it finally dawned on me, I I can't sit up here and tell you how I made it across town because I don't know. I can tell you that when I got to the apartment building and I went upstairs, there was a police officer in the hallway. And my mom was laying across her bed. And, I gotta tell you that was the blackest moment in my life. See, I didn't really feel abandoned by my father until later on in my life like I do now.

But I felt so alone. The one person that I could always count on was my mom. And I made 2 of the most difficult phone calls I ever had to make in my life. And I called my sisters, and I told them what happened. And I gotta tell you that, my sister made me promise not to do anything until she got up from Virginia, and I gave her my word that I wouldn't.

And I gotta tell you, those are the hardest 2 days of my life because I did not think about using, I did not contemplate using, I wanted to use. I knew nothing else could give me a temporary relief to the pain I was feeling. I'm talking about with 7 years clean, man, I had a massive stuff, you know, because when you stop using, man, you do stupid things like save money and have furniture and and food, you know. And, I was living like 4 blocks away from one of the hottest cocaine areas in our city. And I was walking around the house, man, just assessing the valuables because I was gonna use.

And as I was gathering up TVs and stereo and had a big old change jar that was almost full and I had bank account with a little bit of money in there. And I was contemplating how I can get all that stuff together, man, so I can get rid of this pain. And I lived in an apartment that had the doorbell, those types that as long as you push it, it would ring. And somebody was ringing my doorbell. I need to tell you, man, that I was so hurt that I was I had homicidal thoughts.

Like, if the wrong person crossed my path, I was taking them out. So here's this person on my doorbell, and then not letting go of the doorbell. I pick up this Louisville Slugger. Right? Because I'm a do them.

Whoever it is, I'm a do them. And I opened the door and this brother that I know walked in my house, pushed me to the side bat and all, Walked into my apartment, went in my kitchen, popped some popcorn, put it in a bowl, went my living room, sat down, popped a video in the VCR, and commenced to watching the king of New York. And I'm standing by the college with this bat in my hand, and I'm looking at him. I'm looking at the TV and I'm looking at him and finally adorned on me how stupid I looked. And I sat down with him and I watched that movie.

After the movie was over, he gets up. Cleans out the bowl rewinds his tape and leaves. I need to tell you this brother never said a word. And when he left my house The desire to use was gone. Don't tell me there's not a loving god working in my life.

Suddenly dawned on me that the only way I was gonna get through this was with my family and with Narcotics Anonymous. I went to a few meetings and I asked for help and and the response was phenomenal. And during this time, I ran into an old friend that I went to treatment with and we're both speaking at a speaker jam. And it was funny, I only got asked to speak at events where anger was like a great topic. And, so we decided we were gonna hang out again because we hadn't seen each other in years.

And every time we got together, we had this path that we walked. And I started hanging up in Hartford, and, I'm just going to Hartford 4 or 5 times a week for meetings. And I ran into this gentleman, older gentleman, little short. Man, if he ain't a a retrail from the seventies, ain't nobody is. My my sponsor still has leisure suits in his closet.

And for 8 months, I watched this man. For those of you in here that are looking for sponsors, please have a shopping list. Don't just get somebody because they got adequate clean time, and they sound good at a meeting. Look how they're living. Ask yourself.

What do you wanna be like in them before you seek out their help? And I watched him for 8 months. And I asked his brother. I said, at a Tuesday noon meeting. He wasn't at the break cleaning out the coffee pot and stuff.

And I said, gee, I was sort of, like, wondering if, like, if you could be my sponsor. He looked at me, he started crying. He said it would be an honor and a privilege to have you as a part of my life and no one had ever said that to me. We embarked upon this journey that we've been on for, like, the last 6 or 7 years. I need to tell you my track record responses up until that point was dismal.

You could sponsor me to the 4th step only. So I firmly believe that our steps are the key to longevity, happiness, and freedom. They are the key. My pattern up until that point had been, we'll do the first 3. When we get to 4, either I'm gonna not be available or I'm gonna make it so hard for you to be available on my life that we split up.

And that was my distinctive pattern. I never told this man that because we hadn't had chance to I never told him anything actually up to that point. And he says to me, I want you to write down what the first three steps mean to you in your life and how you apply them to your life. He says, when you hand me that, we will start on the 4th step. And I was at a point in my life, man, where the anger was just like cancerous.

It was eating me alive. And one of the things that drew me to Marshall was his gentle spirit. Like, I listened to him for 8 months, man. He talked about some heavy stuff, but his demeanor never changed. And he always talks about a loving God, a loving God, a loving Any conversation till till till today that we have always has loving God in there.

I can rely on that in him. So We embarked upon this journey. I wrote down stuff in my 4 step that I swore to God I was gonna take to my grave. And I said, when I share with this man, I'm a watch him. If he moves the wrong way, if he flinches when I tell him something, I'm shutting down.

Didn't happen. This man has continued to show me love, compassion, empathy, understanding, commitment. Yo, it's. I can only from this point and give you my interpretation of the 12 steps and how I apply them in my life. Life.

If you want your own, get it. If you're walking around with somebody else's idea of how the 12 steps works, you're gonna be lost. You have better to embark upon this journey for yourself. The first step talks about being powerless over our addiction. Our lives have become unmanageable.

And, yes, in the beginning, it means drugs. And, yes, it better mean drugs. But as you stay around this fellowship long enough, if it's just drugs, you will use again. The disease manifests itself in our behaviors and in our attitudes. That's it.

The drugs were a vehicle that was available. You put the drug down, and you're left with you. I believe that the most power that god ever gave me in my life was the first step. Because within that first step, he gave me the power of choice. Like, I choose what path I'm on every day.

I choose that if something I'm doing is not working, whether to continue to do it or to do something different. Now if you believe that your power is over your disease and your life have become unmanageable, then the second step should not be such a hard thing for most people, but it is. Because it talks about restoration to insanity. Like, you better get a hold of what we did to get high was completely insane. Like, normal people don't steal their own stuff and report it stolen to the police.

Like normal people don't leave a business meeting thinking I'm a kill that son of a gun because he didn't agree with me and with my vote and he said he would. Like normal people don't go to meetings shopping for significant others. Like normal people don't utilize any money as a personal ATM fund like normal people. Okay. So is there a need for restoration of Sandy?