The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Now I'd like to introduce our speaker for this evening, Miriam. Hi. I'm Miriam. I'm a compulsive overeater. Hey, Miriam.

Hi. I'm honored to speak here tonight and wanted to thank Jamal for asking me to speak. It's been a while since I've been over the hill. I, to qualify, my absolute date is November 1, 1998. I am £45 down from my top weight.

So I was I was 175. I was a size 14. I'm now 130, 128. I'm a size 4 or 6, and food is not an issue today. And I could tell you that back then, food was everything.

Food was everything. I I couldn't imagine I had gotten so used to living life on a diet mentality that I knew that as soon as I got off the diet, I'd be up, and that's what would happen. In between diets, I would be like, you know, just let me at the food. Finally, let me at the food, and I'd and I'd eat it. And, I remember one week, I was in between diets.

I was in between, like, Diet Center and Jenny Craig or something. And within that week, I gained 8 to £9. I was like a binge. I just couldn't get enough of it. And I knew that it it was trying to control it, but the more I tried to control it, the more it backfired.

And, let me back up a little bit to how it was. I really truly believe that my makeup is different than most normal folk when it comes to food. I can tell you that my brother and my mom and dad are fairly normal. My mom, she could use a program and she has her own program actually. But, you know, know, when it comes to food, nobody has a a weird reaction to food like I do.

And growing up, I was 3 years old. This is an example of how my makeup, I believe, is different. I know it is. I'm an addict. I'm a compulsive overeater.

That's all I need to know in order to recover, And that's what the program says. And so at 33 years old, you know, my cousin, when he was 3, was lost in the mall. You know, somehow he wandered. And he went wandering in the mall just kinda happy, looking around, you know, very happy kid. No big deal.

Then thing happened to me. At 3 years old, I got lost in the mall. I wandered off. And my mother panicked, and she got the security guards after me. And then I remember this too.

And do you know where I went? I went right upstairs to the See's candy store, and I stole a bucket of See's candy. And I brought it down to my mom, and I was like, look what I got. You know? So at 3, already, it was like, oh, candy.

Yeah. You know. And so that just goes to show you that, you know, something ain't quite right there. And then what happened at at 9, I was put on a diet right away and I don't like to be known as, like, Miriam, mom, Miriam with the diabetes. You know?

Because that's always like, oh, I'm so sorry. And it's like, you know, don't do that, please. But what happened was at 9, I was diagnosed with, juvenile diabetes. It is in my family, and I got it. And I was a normal weight, was not fat at all, but my head was not right because I remember being 9 years old and thinking I'm fat.

And at 9, they put me on a diet, and they said she needs to eat 2 breads, 2 meats, and a fruit for breakfast, and 2 breads and a fruit for whatever it was at 9. You know? And she can never eat sugar again. Well, don't tell me I can't do something because believe me, as soon as you tell me I can't, I'm gonna do everything I can to find a way to do it, especially being the rebellious addict that I I am. Not anymore, but I was.

And it's still there. Believe me. But this anyhow, at night, I was put on a diet, and weight was an issue at that time from that point on. And, my mother did a pretty good she she she did what any normal parent would do who was told, you know, your kid's diabetic. You gotta control her food.

You gotta give her shots. And if you don't, you know, she's gonna not be healthy, and she could have some serious complications. So my parents did whatever they could to try and control me. The thing is, I can't be controlled, and I fought it. And what happened was between 9 and 11 and a half, she did a really good job of controlling my weight, but I thought I was fat.

And I was on a swim team and I hated it. And I was thin, but I thought I was fat. The whole time, thinking I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm fat comparing myself to the tall skinny, you know, 11 year olds, 13 year olds, whatever.

And, and, at 11a half, she said, okay. Miriam's okay now. You know? We can let her go. And I was actually the 1st group of 6th graders to go to junior high, and she, said, okay.

She's fine now. So, ironically, I teach 6th grade, which is the program. It's so not me. This program has given me everything plus 20 fold that I could ever imagine. But, anyway, back in fact tracking, at 6th grade, she said, okay.

We don't need to watch her anymore so much. You know, we don't need to watch everything she's eating. Well, that was when I just went to town. And at nutrition and lunch, I remember eating those brownies, and I remember eating those big, round, fat, greasy cookies, and, one was not enough. You know?

And and I remember, you know, the alcoholic, a lot of the time they remember their first drink. You know, that first like, oh, this is it. You know? Like, this is this is what's doing it for me, and they chase that. And I, you know, and I did that with food.

I remember very vividly my first, like, this is it. This is this is my relief. You know? For me, it is food first. You know?

Alcohol, I would wonder sometimes, but for me, it's food. And what happened was at 13 between 11 and 12 and 13, I gained about 65 to £70 in 1 year, and that was devastating. And from that point on, I was considered a fat kid. I was a fat kid. You know, I'm 5 feet tall.

I'm tiny. I didn't know I was tiny until I got abstinent in this program. But for a little girl to be gaining that much weight, to have general diabetes, for everyone to be telling you you're killing yourself and for everyone to be watching me kill myself, no one's watching me eat, of course, but it it's evident. You know? And, I mean, we we wear this disease.

It certainly isn't glamorous in my opinion. So anyhow so I, you know, I gained all this weight, and everybody in my family is going, how am I gonna get her to lose weight? And all of a sudden, I'm like, how am I gonna lose weight? So I tried every diet off, you know, you could think of. I tried everything.

And the thing is is that the more I tried, the more it backfired. And I did this for years years years, and I thought I was too, I mean, it just progressed, you know? There's one diet after another, and I'm I could never lose weight. Some people talk about being able to lose the weight. I never did.

I could only be on a diet for about a week. And then after a week, it was like, you know, let me you know, I'd take a bite here, take a bite there, and all of a sudden, it's this whole controlling game again. And so after, like, you know, doing numerous diets, and I was hospitalized twice because of this disease too because my blood sugars were so out of control. I know I don't mention that too often, but this disease put me in the hospital twice. And and they said, oh, we just need to get her food under control.

Her blood sugar's under control. But I knew as soon as I was out of the hospital, forget about it. I was right back just going on again, and there was no stopping me. And the thing is is that I could do friends and I could do jobs. I even I was the overachiever because I felt so inadequate for having this problem.

What the hell is wrong with me? You know? And, and I couldn't I couldn't do this. And the more effort I put into it, the more I couldn't do it. That was the thing.

And, 16 to 17, by this time, you know, I'm all over the place and the food had gotten to me physiologically too. The thing is my brain was so clouded with this disease, with sugar and with a thinking that was disease, and I I was getting crazier and crazier. I am not the person, you know, that you see today. I was not that person a long time ago, and people who are still here know that. And, at 17, and I I believe too that my mother became a therapist because of me, because I was like the pink elephant in the house.

You know? I was the alcoholic with food, and the more they tried to stop me, the more I hated them. And the more they told me I needed to lose weight, the more I hated them, the more I felt like they didn't understand. Nobody understands. Nobody understands.

And the more isolated I became. And at 17, 18, you know, my mom a therapist, so she knows about the 12 step programs. She goes, why don't you go to o a? And this was after doing numerous, numerous diets. And I remember by this time, I was becoming more hopeless and more hopeless and just like, you know, just so hopeless about not even diets, but life.

You know? Like, what's the point? I don't get you know, what's wrong with me? And that was when I was finally willing to come to OA. And and if there's anything I can stress is that, for me, I had to get to exactly where I had to get to to get to the next place.

There was no way I was gonna be able to recover on the level that I did and be willing to recover on the level that I was willing to recover on unless I'd gone through these things first, if I could say that. I came to OA when I was 18 devastated. I had hit that incomprehensible demoralization. Devastated. I had hit that incomprehensible demoralization, and the reason was because my mother caught me binging finally and for and thank goodness thank goodness I had those moments of clarity that said, you need help.

And it wasn't anybody, it was me, like, I need help. And some people don't have those moments of clarity. Maybe they do. We they don't pay attention to it. I had 2 and my first one was when my mother caught me binging and she said and and that was like I I felt like a deer caught in headlights.

Nobody ever saw me eat. I ate in the middle of the night every night for 10 years. And every night, I'd say I wouldn't do it, and I did it every night. I couldn't go to sleep without eating in the middle of the night every night. So she caught me during the day.

She said, why don't you go to OA? I said, okay. I went to the Darby office in Reseda, sat in a fog for about 3 months, didn't know what was going on, but people talked about food. And people talked about doing things with food that I had done that I thought nobody ever talked about. People talked about eating out of the trash.

You know, saying they're not gonna eat something and then going right back to it 2 hours later and eating it. Eating it all. You know, having a piece of cake in the refrigerator and not being able to do anything but think about that piece of cake until it's gone. You know, that was me. And and and everything else that went along with it, all the feelings, all the shame, all that, you know, I people talked about it.

And for the first time, I felt like people accepted me and understood me and didn't judge me because I was so used to being judged, and I was so isolated. And and and to be honest with you, men noticed me too. They were much older than me, but they still were like, hey. Hi. And I was a fat girl in LA.

A fat teenage girl in LA nonetheless, but with a great personality. And, you know, guys aren't too sexual. They aren't like, hey. She's smart. I really like her.

You know? It was kinda like it was hard. So, anyhow, that was on my whole inventory. Believe me. That was on my huge inventory list.

Huge 4 step on that one. And boy did I recover from that. Anyway, so to backtrack a little bit, I hung out in OA, and I wasn't mature enough really to work the steps until I was mature enough. That's my opinion. I hung out from 18 to 24.

So about 6 years, I hung out in the OA rooms and listened and took what I could and did what I could, and they say, take what you want, leave the rest. I did that to the best of my ability, but I did not recover on the level that I really started to recover on until, I hit a bottom on the inside. See, what happened was I hung out in OA for about 6 years, and things on the outside started to really get better. But the problem was I never worked on my insides. I was kind of doing steps 1 and 12.

I knew I had a problem, and I was talking about the program all I wanted, but I hadn't really done the steps. It's kinda like, you know, exercise. You know about exercise, and you could talk about how great exercise is all you want. But in terms of really getting out there and doing it, it's a whole different story. And when that happens, boy, do you see results.

So it was the same thing in terms of program, but it was the best I could do at the time. So what happened was I started to kinda work in an in kinda. I worked in an industry that I thought would make me cool and I thought would validate me, and I was chasing my outside chasing the outside to fill me up on the inside. And the thing is the more the outsides happened, the more I I felt like crap. And my thought processes, my belief system, I grew up with this disease.

I am an addict. My perceptions of the world are skewed, and I didn't come to that until I had hit a bottom on the inside because things on the outside were getting good. But the thing is is that if a good opportunity came along or if somebody was attracted to me, I had so much distortion within my brain that I couldn't allow any of it to come. I'd say no to it. I'd push it along.

I I couldn't People would say I was capable and all I felt was, I'm not. No. I'm not. Don't you understand? I'm I'm not.

And my thoughts and my words, it all governed what I thought in my head. And that was my second moment of clarity was, you know what? Miriam's thinking my makeup is wrong. And if I don't stop, I'm gonna keep eating. And what happened was I maintained, like, 160 to 165.

So I had lost a little bit of weight, but I was still heavy. And, but I was cool with that because I wasn't gaining weight. You know? And, hey, People think I'm great. Right?

Well, that wasn't working for too long and, I was trying to get people's approval all over the place. And the more I got approval, the more it backfired. I even, you know, I even had a stadium I sing I used to sing, about trying to get approval, and I sang at a stadium. And people, like, cheered and yelled in the national anthem and screamed and stood up. And the whole time, I'm thinking I'm a fake.

Doesn't matter. Don't you know? And all I could focus on was the one person who said I wasn't good enough. You know? That's my disease, and that's when I realized it's my makeup.

I can't I can't I can't allow any goodness into my life. So I hit a bottom, and that's when I started to work steps 4 through 12, And that's when I really got abstinent, and that's when I really got a sponsor who was willing to kick my ass. Excuse my language. I liked it when people swore sometimes, but that's what happened. And, I I was hanging out in OA for 6 years, not really doing anything.

Just kinda going to meetings and talking to people. And and I came to a meeting, and this was in August of 1998, and I quit that business. I quit the music business. For me, it was killing me. It it it was a a pure reflection of how I felt about myself and, working for me, that wasn't gonna work.

And, I for me, that wasn't gonna work. And, I quit the music business, moved out of my parents' house. That's another thing. I lived in a lot of fantasy. Fantasy.

Famicized about, you know, traveling from New York to LA and one day my life will be this. And in the meantime, I'm a £165 on a 5 foot, you know, tiny girl, and I live at home with my parents. I haven't paid a bill in my life, and I'm 24, 25 years old. And, quit the music industry, didn't know what I was gonna do, but knew I couldn't do that. Knew I had to stop everything and change.

And the 1st year of my abstinence, November 1, 1998, I quit that in August. Was really devastated in September. Around October, I went to meetings, and I really asked for help, and I started to really ask for help in meetings. I had no problem voicing my my need for help, and I got a sponsor and I and the first person just and and I shared and this woman looked at me, anybody that I would have chosen. She wasn't anybody famous.

She wasn't anybody, like, you know, who had an She wasn't anybody famous. She wasn't anybody, like, you know, who had a nice car. You know? She had a nice car, but that's you know, normally that would have been the reason. She was willing to help me, and she was willing to save my life or or help me save my life.

She was willing to show me how to work the steps and, I was scared of her my 1st year, but she did not spare my feelings. You know? She would tell me how to live in the solution. And when she said she'd offer to sponsor me, she told me to do a number of things and I did it. And I I dove into this program my 1st year of abstinence like I delve into the disease.

I did the opposite, and I was told the solution is an action. Action. Action. Action. So the thing is is that I put so much thinking 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

All I could think about was what I look like, what I should look like, what you think I look like. F you because you're judging me on what I look like. And and one day and, you know, all this fantasy. So what happened was I put my whole year, one one day at a time, one second at a time. It wasn't one day for me.

It had to be one moment at a time. If I was gonna give up my addiction, give up eating all day, and and starving, and exercising, and all the, you know, if I was gonna give that up, I had to replace it with something. I couldn't just be abstinent and be fine. If I could I wouldn't be here. I had to replace it with the tools and the steps and action.

I got a lot of commitments, I did a lot of, service. I went to a lot of meetings. I went to at least a meeting a day because I was so scared my 1st year, and so uncomfortable in my own skin my 1st year, crying all the time. I mean I remember being at Srandy Sunday, and I had like 63 days, and, you know, that's a big meeting and it's a huge meaning. And and I was nervous and I was shaking and I felt like people at the podium were joking around about this disease and for me, I'm crawling out of my skin, I'm holding on for dear life, you know, just to stay abstinent one second at a time and people are joking.

I went up there and I was shaking and I was crying and and doesn't anybody you know, I had no problem. I did whatever it took to recover and I did not care what people thought about me because I was saving my life, and I knew that. And, I stopped a lot of my behaviors my 1st year. I used to go to a lot of parties and hang out with a lot of certain types of people that kind of that I was trying to attain to be, trying to be like, like, you know, trying to get their approval. My 1st year I stopped, I didn't go to one party.

I went to sometimes 2, 3 meetings a day. I went to a lot of other 12 step program meetings, and I just sat there. And I got a higher power right away. Thank goodness that there is this man in this program who has a lot of recovery, who didn't spare my feelings, who didn't care if I felt bad, because we need to feel bad if we're gonna recover in Read the big book, pages 62 through 69, and I'll see you at a meeting. Read the big book, pages 62 through 69, and I'll see you at a meeting.

And thank god I did what he what he said. I I read those pages, and it said that we were governed by people's play people's actions, places, and things, and that we had to fire find a higher power. Well, if I was gonna do this process of the 12 steps and 12 traditions and I was gonna recover, I had to find a higher power that was gonna get me through these moments when I felt like I was gonna die if I didn't eat. And believe me, it was often my 1st year. Sometimes all day, all night, and I'd go to late night AA meetings.

Excuse me. I hope that's okay to say, but I would. I'd go to those late night 10:30 meetings because at night, I was nuts. And I need to be around people who are withdrawing off alcohol and cocaine because that's how I felt withdrawing off of my addiction and doing everything differently. So when he said that, I got a higher power too right away, and I delve into a print a teaching credential program because I thought, well, I gotta support myself.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, and teachers are nice. They won't scare me. So I I did that, and, and, I I got absent my 1st year, went to a lot of meetings, went to the teaching credential program, and got a higher power that the big book says will protect me. And my higher power, became something that I never felt I had. And it was something that I conjured up in my mind, and I figured if it existed in my mind and it wasn't a person, place, or thing because that's what governed me and got me to this place of crap, then I had to believe in something different and act as if.

And that's what people who had recovery told me to do. So my higher power was that. It became very personal. It became my best friend, my lover, my protector, my father. In those moments when I wanted to sounds kinda gross, doesn't it?

But, hey. Whatever works. But it was something that was in my brain. And whenever I was scared, which was all the time, except in meetings. I was not scared in meetings which is why I loved going to meetings because I was relieved in meetings.

But when I was in a situation like student teaching, for example, and I'm not binging and I had lost my weight. I said this okay. I don't wanna go all over the place, but my higher power in those situations when I wanted to eat because I ate over feelings. If I was uncomfortable, it was only a matter of time when I'd be back into the food. So if I wasn't gonna go back into the food and keep feeling uncomfortable and angry and upset and crying and all these feelings, I had to believe that my higher power had me here for a reason because abstinence is a gift from my higher power, from your higher power, from the higher power.

And if we're gonna do this gift thing that it he has given us, then we have to know how to do his work. For me, if God brought me to this place of being abstinent and God is here, then in this moment right now, I'm talking about how I do it and did it. God, if if you don't want me to eat that candy or that ice cream and you don't want me to destroy myself anymore with that and you are what they say you are, then right now I'm scared and you better protect me and show me what to do because you made me this way. And that's how I would talk to him. And the thing is is that in situations when I felt like, okay.

I'm gonna go out. You know? In situations when I felt like this is it. This is where my whole life can go right or left. And when I believed that there was a higher power because this program taught it to me and my sponsor showed me it's here, My life got better, and I was able to abstain in that moment, not for the day, but in that second, in that minute, in that hour.

Hour, and I lived through that scary situation, I was able to do the next one and use my higher power and realize, okay. I got through it. I didn't die. And the thing is is that situations come up that are scary. The more I walk through it with my higher power and with the women in this program and with this program, the more I can face the next one.

And that's my experience, and it's preparing me for better things to come in life. And that's what has been happening. And believe me, I use these tools, and I use these steps like no tomorrow. My sponsor told me to do a, b, c, d, and e and maybe f g h. All these things.

But you know what? I was willing to do anything she told me to do. If she told me go to Valencia I live in Encino. Go to Valencia and take that newcomer to Laguna and take him back to Valencia, I would have done anything to be out of this disease. And that's what I mean by action out of the disease because if that was 3 hours driving, hell, that's 3 hours out of my head.

I'll do anything to get out of my head, and that's where I would feel better. So my sponsor also said to make phone calls. Call 2 people a day and talk to them on the phone and blah blah blah. And what happened as a result is I I've acquired a huge network of women who have a lot of recovery who are ahead of me in this. And, every day I talk to them, at least 3 or 4 of them, sometimes all 10 or 12 of them.

Or there's more than that even. But, you know, in situations where I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to do this, They guide me through it. They talk to me. They tell me how to do it, and it's all programmed. It's all the stuff that they were told, you know, through this.

And, what's happened as a result, how it's like today and I would have never thought this at my age And anybody who's here, there's nobody that this can't happen to. There's nobody that can't get recovery in my eyes. Nobody is too special to not get this. Everybody can get this if they want it and if they take the action towards it. We have to be accountable.

This is only my opinion, by the way, but this is my experience. I had to be accountable, and I had to take personal responsibility to recover. And then once I was willing to do that, God provided and said, okay. Here you go, and then here we go and it skyrocketed. I also said, God, if it takes 10 years to lose this weight, fine.

This was November 1, 1998. I don't care about losing the weight. If I change my thinking I won't do the thing if my thinking changes, then I won't eat the way I used to because my thinking will be changed. So I won't wanna eat the way I do, and that's what is happening. That is what has happened.

And as a result, I ended up losing the weight, like, the first year and a half, but I but my head was still nuts. And, it's not as nuts anymore, but believe me, it is. And now I could look at it and go, oh, there it goes again, and I can run it by people. And, what's what it's like now is I also didn't think I was good enough to be a girlfriend or a wife or a mother. And I just got married 2 weeks ago to a beautiful, gorgeous, normal man.

Normal. What's normal? That's what I'm starting to wonder, though, actually. Who is so loving and so sweet and strong and all those things that I always thought I wanted and I did want. I just didn't know it.

We just bought a house. I bought a condo last year. Food is not an issue today at all. I'm a professional. I like the way I look most of the time.

I still focus on areas, though, and I'm like, oh god. Why can't I you know, believe me. Sometimes I want things that I don't have, and and that's okay. And I can run it by other women and know that that's my head. I don't go to as many meetings as I did my 1st few years.

I went to a meeting today for, like, the 1st 3 years because I was so scared, and I didn't know how to do life. And I was just terrified, and the only relief I found was in meetings. What else today? I have an incredible relationship with my family. I hated my family when I came to OA.

I blame them for everything. And I'll tell you something. I have a cousin. I had a cousin. She paralleled me in many ways.

She was a little bit older than me. She was diagnosed with general diabetes. She never found this program, and she resented the hell out of everybody in our family. She resented herself all the way to death. That's just my opinion.

She died last year from bulimia, with juvenile diabetes. So she never got this program. She didn't wanna get it. She was angry and and just it killed her in my and I connected to her in many ways. And at my wedding 2 weeks ago, her stepmom, her dad, they both came up to me and they said, you chose God and he gave you life, and she didn't.

You know? I guess if there's anything I could, leave you with is that OA is just, you know, a 12 step program for some people, but my experience has been when I was willing to get humble enough to know that something's wrong with me and that I need to change my insides, my head, my makeup is wrong. And when I was willing to work the steps, I'm willing to work the traditions, I'm willing to work the tools, I'm willing to be of service, lot of service, especially when I didn't want to. If I didn't wanna do it, that was all the more reason to do it. And if I wanted to do it, well, maybe I should think twice about doing it because my head is skewed.

When I was willing to do that stuff and get into a lot of action outside of my head into the solution, outside of my head into literature, outside of my head into newcomers, you know, outside of my head into the meetings, picking up things, being of service. My life got incredibly better, much better than it ever was before I came to OA. And OA, isn't it? It's a it's an amazing thing, and it's an amazing gift. I just wanted to stop eating.

I just wanted to be healthy. I just wanted to be okay in my own skin. I didn't wanna keep living the way I was living. I was tired of having all these guys think I'm a great girl, but no one's really attracted to me. You know?

It's just so horrible. All that self hate is gone. I really like myself today. You know? I have a self respect that I never knew was possible because I you know, know, it's just words until you get it.

When you start to feel it, boy, is it different. You know, people say, oh, I love myself. Oh, I love myself. I didn't love myself. My my sponsor said, you wanna love yourself and get yourself flowers?

Get out of yourself and be of service to somebody. That's what she'd say to me, and I'd be like, what? But I would do it because I was so afraid of losing what I had. And the thing is is that when I got out of myself and I talked to newcomers and I talked to a person who had one day, you know, and I had 62 days, I felt better. And I felt like, no.

I was maybe useful to that person. I wanted to be useful, feel useful. I'm useful to kids now every day. They think I'm a great teacher. My staff thinks, like, I'm great.

And the whole time I'm thinking I'm just doing what God wants me to do. Every second of every day, I go, god, please help me. I can't do this. I need you. I don't know how to talk to these kids.

We had a situation yesterday where the girls were fighting over one thing, and I had to go and make all the girls get made by this. I didn't know what I was doing, and I wrote a little piece of paper. God, you got me here. Show me what to say. And I held on to it while I'm talking to these girls, and they all made up.

And it was all 5, and they were all crying and hugging, and somehow everybody got along in the end. But the thing is is that I didn't know that God wanted me to do this kind of stuff. See, if we stay and and we are willing to work this program and realize that we are not victims, that we gotta forgive these people who we've invented through the steps. That's what I had to do. I had to pray for them.

I had to let them go. I had to realize that they are who they are. And as a result, I have a dad that is just like I'm daddy's little girl today, and he never I felt like he never treated me like a little girl because I was fat and angry and pissed and like you. And this program gives us more than we could ever imagine beyond our wildest dreams. And, I'm very humbled by it.

It's here for the taking. If you think you're too special for it, well, just keep coming back. And thanks for that, Michelle. Okay. Okay.

K. We have time for questions and answers. Questions and opinions, as one may say. Yeah. Hi, Mary.

Thank you. Have known or haven't known? How to handle this, you mean? Or didn't notice. No.

They did. They did. Oh, they knew. They knew that I had a real problem, but I don't think I was mature enough for the 12 steps. You know?

I really don't. I was an adolescent. You know? It was hard for me to get. So they tried and tried, but they also realized that when they kept trying, when they kept going, you know, every morning, there'd be something missing in the refrigerator.

Refrigerator. Usually, it was the best thing, you know, the best dish, the best ice cream. I don't know. And if it was gone, we all knew who ate it. And then I'd get angry at them because I feel I feel like they didn't understand, blah blah blah.

So what happened was they just stopped. They did kinda like the Al Anon thing. They just said, we're not gonna say anything anymore, and we're gonna leave her alone. And I'll be honest. That was the best thing they could have ever done for me.

The more they tried to intervene and the more they tried to tell me what to do, the worse it got. So they let it go, finally, but that was at, like, 16, 17. And then finally, my mom just caught me and said, why don't you go to OA? So in terms of a kid having it, I don't have a kid yet, so I don't know how to deal with it. My sponsor says, you know, why don't don't you worry about it when you get it rather than worry about it in the future?

You know? I don't know if that helps. But use the program, you know, for all of it. You know? How do I handle my child?

And then get the suggestions from those who have kids who who have dealt with this. I hope that helped me some life. Thank you. Mhmm. I know for me, it's life or death.

I know that it's not about the weight, and I know that I I mean, when you're when you're in the food and you're a higher weight, yes, it is about the weight. However, for me, I had to realize that it's my thinking and that this program promised me from experience of others that if I change my thinking, God wants me to be an attraction to others. Doesn't want me to promote this thing. He just wants me to be an an attraction that he is here, that he works through me to others. So if God wants me to be an attraction, he's not gonna have me be fat and miserable on my way to death in a very miserable, awful way.

If God wants me to do his will, he's gonna make me an attraction to others, and therefore, he won't make me fat. We may be fat in the moment, but if we keep doing what we believe God wants us to do, working with a sponsor who believes there's a higher power who has this in action, our higher power my higher power won't make me fat because I'll be miserable if I'm fat. So it may not happen right away, but if we commit to our food and we're honest with another person talking to God, your understanding of God, your sponsor's understanding of God for you, whatever that means, I don't know, but we can find all the reasons we want to be different and to get out of here. But that's our disease in our head. That's what my sponsor told me.

So that means to get into action and get out of your head, and your higher power will make you happy, joyous, and free, and not something you can't stand about you. That makes sense? I hope that helps. This is all my opinion too, by the way. That's my experience.

So I hope that. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. Trial and error.

I know that's not the answer you wanna hear, but my first few years, I mean, I I I, I mean, even like, I remember just coming home from meetings and being exhausted, you know, from working with newcomers and, you know, people would want me to sponsor them and be like, oh, I love what you said, and I want what you have. And I go, okay. Well, start doing these things I did. And they go, oh, well, you know, I'm a bit older. I'm older than you, so you don't understand my situation.

You know, I've heard it all. Believe me. And the thing is is that by trial I mean, I remember being devastated when someone told me I was young and didn't understand them. Or so I remember I don't I was just like, what? And I ran that by my sponsor.

My sponsor says it's not personal. You know? Not your problem. Always run it by other women because I still don't know sometimes if I'm I always run it by other women because I still don't know sometimes if I'm going, yeah, but he or yeah, but they. I need to run that by my sponsor because sometimes it's valid, and I write about it.

I write a lot. I was taught in this program to write. So I write about it. I talk about it, and I get feedback from other people in the program who are ahead of me in terms of what is okay and what isn't. But it's trial and error.

You know, we can't just decide and be cool with it. It's making mistakes along the way. And it's okay. We don't wanna make mistakes. God forbid.

You know? But it's really no big deal if we go, oh, you know, I stumbled. As long as we're abstaining, you know, it's okay. I don't know if that helps at all, but call people and write and work with your sponsor. If that helps.

Anything else? Yeah. When when is this over? I'm sorry, babe. Oh, okay.

Okay. Go ahead, Gabriel. I'm sorry. Mhmm. Well, I can't do it just by saying it.

I have to do it through a whole process. I write a lot. I write letters to God. I go, dear God. You know?

You. You know? I'm effing angry about so and so and I don't know why this why she did that. And I include it in a 10 step. And I have journals of 10 steps that I read to my sponsor later on or other women in the program.