The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Hi. My name is Dory. I'm a bulimic and compulsive overeater. Hi, Dory. Jack, thank you very much for asking me to be the speaker for this meeting.

It's really an honor. And, as my sponsor says, it's always good to show up for my recovery. It's a privilege to lead a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous and, that my recovery, you know, that working this program a day at a time for as long as I've been doing it makes me qualified to do this. It's really it's really an honor. I brought some pictures that are kinda goofy and a lot of fun, so I'm gonna pass them around and there's food in just about all of them.

And when there's not food, there's, like, this look in my eyes that's just absolutely empty. You know, it's just empty. And, so you can take a look at those. So what I've heard is the format is what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. So I will talk about that.

Let me first get, like, the numbers out of the way. I came into Overreaders Anonymous on January 27, 1999, and I remember that because it was my 25th birthday. And, I got abstinent, about a month after that, and I stayed abstinent for a little over 30 days, and I relapsed, and then I got abstinent, like, immediately. And, then and then I relapsed. I got about 6 months of abstinence and or just under, and I relapsed again.

And then I spent a good 40 days in relapse and then I got abstinent again by the grace of God on October 30, 1999 and, and I haven't relapsed since then by, you know, one day at a time with a huge amount of help from everybody in these rooms and completely by the power of God, of my higher power, not by me. So that, with the math, that means a little over three and a half years of abstinence that I have now. Okay. So what it was like. First of all, when I was a little kid, I just remember, I loved sweets, anything sweet.

I loved dessert all the time. I had cavities every time I went to the dentist, and and every time we went out to eat with my family, it was it always meant I got to have dessert. I got to order dessert. And for me, it was anything. And I remember people saying things like save room for dessert and that phrase meant nothing to me.

It was so confusing because for me, there's always room for dessert. I how do you why do you know, you never have to save room for it. And, yeah, and I also remember people talking about things being too sweet or too rich And that didn't make any sense to me either because there was not a food in this world that was too sweet. And, I mean, I remember feeling, like, my teeth and my fillings just like, you know, because it's kinda, like, really, like, vibrating and stuff and I was just like, get me more. You know, I just I love stuff that sweet.

So so, you know, I was going along and eating lots of sweets all the time. Tried to eat other food too, but, you know, that I didn't really see the point of all that. And then I got into junior high and high school, and all of a sudden, I started to notice that I was way too fat, and it was just, you know, I was fat. And reality is I was probably I looked probably just fine, but in my head, I was horrible, absolutely horrible, and I spent, I spent all of high school hating my body completely and, thinking always just thinking about how I I have to get thinner. I have to get thinner.

My life will be okay if if I could just get thinner. My life will be okay. Then, You know? I'll have the friends that I wanna have. You know, clothes will look good on me.

Everything will just fit if I could just get thinner. And but I never wanted to give up the food. You know. I I really and I couldn't ever. I mean, I try I remember trying to diet one day and I lasted, like, until 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

You know? It I was not I didn't do well at dieting at that point. So then I got away. I went to college, and in college, I started taking this exercise class, and that kinda got really exciting. It was I'd been dancing for a while, but then it was this new I got into this exercise class and I got into this regimen and there are these machines that would tell me how many calories I had burned and how many miles I had gone.

And so I got to I started getting all this information and, I mean, I'm a bright person. I've got a good brain and, so I started reading labels and thinking about calories and I was, you know, just calculating everything all the time and I figured, well, if I could eat this, you know, certain kinds of food and exercise a certain amount, then I'll just keep it all under control. And so I just decided that I would eat nothing that had fat in it ever. And, you know, everything that was being sold in the store at that point seemed to say non fat, non fat, no fat, no fat, and so I just ate everything that was no fat. And I was probably, and I just continued to exercise like crazy and just more and more and more, just completely convinced that that was the only way, was just to keep on exercising and to be eating no fat.

And then every so often, you know, this idea of, oh, I'll just have a little bit of ice cream or something like that and then I wouldn't be able to stop at like, you know, normal sized portion and I'd just eat a huge amount and then I remember feeling so guilty, so ashamed and hating my body so much. I really remember just like, I mean, just that feeling of just like, oh my God, Dorey, you did it again. You're a disgusting piece of crap. And that's really how I felt, and, and then one evening, I said, I know how I could fix this. I could just get this food out of me by making myself throw up.

It seemed like a really great solution, temporary, you know. It wasn't something that I was gonna do on a regular basis. It was like only for emergencies, you know. It wasn't like, I wasn't really gonna do it. It was just, I knew that it wasn't a good idea, like it wasn't healthy to do that, like I knew that that was like an eating disorder kind of thing, but, I wasn't gonna do it all the time, you know, like I said, just for emergencies, just for those I mean, an emergency.

Right? No. An emergency is when you're having a heart attack, I think, not when you've eaten too much. Anyway, so so that began, my my career, as a bulimic. I guess after that, I found that it it wasn't okay to just do it at in emergency situations or maybe the emergency situations became more and more often, and it became something that I I could count on and do more and more.

I was thinking back to when I got into program, I remember saying, you know, I'm not really bulimic. I'm just somebody with bulimic tendencies, because I never I was like, well, I didn't throw up often enough to be considered a bulimic. And I also tried to kid myself that I really never threw up in, in public places. It was like it was only at home and, you know, only like a real hardcore bulimic would throw up in, you know, public places. Right?

And then slowly, I started to remember, like, all these different occasions where I was out at, you know, big get togethers and parties and work things and I was throwing them in the bathroom. And, I remember this, one thing that I I remember wanting to do, it was always like on Friday night, I'd get home and, and I really wanted to, like, go out and have dinner, but I didn't really wanna pay for it myself and I didn't wanna go out alone. So I'd call up a guy usually and try and convince him to take me out to dinner. And so he'd take me out to dinner and I'd proceed to, like, you know, eat all this a lot of food, you know, a full on meal and then desserts and, and then I usually go into the bathroom and throw it up, and this one date that I went on, this is, you know, it's kind of embarrassing, but it's really funny, actually, so it's better to laugh about this kind of stuff at this point. So this guy, he was really trying to impress me and so he took me to this restaurant that he used to work at, so they were gonna give us really good treatment and everything and they, you know, they were really taking good care of us and they made us these wonderful entrees and, I mean, it was one of those really snazzy restaurants and stuff and it was really nice and then they brought us out the dessert menu and, and they were, you know, telling us about all the desserts.

And I was I mean, I don't know about anybody here, but I can never decide on one dessert. When they bring out the dessert tray or they tell you about the 4 desserts they have, I mean, how do you choose? You know, I want a at least a little bit of everything, but I can never stop myself by just having a little bit. So it turns that, you know so he was like, well, which one do you want? And I'm like, how could you choose?

I want them all. And, you know, and this guy, he bless his heart. He really wanted to, you know, impress me and, didn't really think that I had a problem with food and so we went ahead and we ordered all of these desserts and I proceeded to eat all of it. I mean, like, 4 desserts and I ate the entire thing and then I was like, oh, you know, goodness. What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do now? Because, I mean, you know, after you eat an entire meal and then 4 desserts, you know, you're gonna feel a little bit bloated, kinda like, you know? And that feeling for me, I suppose, you know, normal eaters, well, they wouldn't get to that point, but a normal eater would probably, at that point, just be like, oh, you know, let me take a walk or something like that. But my abnormal reaction to food is, you know, throw up. You gotta throw up.

I gotta get it out of me. Gotta get it out of me. And it's just like, I mean, it's like it's this frantic state and I'm just like, I have to get this food out of me now and nothing mattered and so, you know, I tried to be sweet. Oh, excuse me. I'll be right back and everything.

I go to the bathroom and I'm, you know, puking in the bathroom and everything. Oh, boy. And, it's funny but sad at the same time, isn't it? And then, you know, going back to the table, you know, just trying to pretend that everything is fine, you know, that I'm fine. I'm fine.

All this other time, it was a really similar situation and I had gone through the same stuff and I was like, I gotta throw up, and so I went and threw up and then I thought, oh, no. He's gonna wanna kiss me and he's gonna be able to, like, taste it in my mouth. I mean, that's what the way I'm thinking, And I'm like, I gotta get some gum. If I just get some gum, I'll be fine. And so I go I see some guys outside.

Hey. Do any of you guys have some gum? I need a piece of gum. And I'm just you know, it's like, I need to eat some gum now. And and they said, no.

We don't have any gum, but there's some mints upstairs. Okay. Cool. And I go racing up the stairs. I miss the last step.

I go, like, flying over. I'm, like, on the floor. There's the people waiting there, you know, like, you know, how many people in your party, the the hostess and everything, and I just kind of stand up and they're, like, are you okay? And I'm, like, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine. Just need a mint. I'm like, grab a mint. I'm fine. Thank you.

And I go running down the stairs and that's I mean, I thought I was fine, you know? I mean, that's the way I was acting and I thought I was fine. Those are funny stories. So so that's what it was like and, I mean, behind all that, I'm fine, I'm fine. On the inside, really and truly, the way I felt was I hated myself completely.

I'd stand in the mirror and just hated everything about me. And, yeah. I mean, I remember taking a pair of scissors to my belly and to my thighs and, like, wanting to cut off the fat. It was like, you know, trim the fat away. I wanted to so badly and just hating hating myself completely and convinced that I would be able to love myself if I were thinner.

That that was it. That was the key. That was the way. Or actually, you know what, I don't think I wanted to love myself. I just wanted to be thinner and I wanted everybody else to love me.

I didn't really think that there was much about me loving myself. That's that's really what I wanted. I just wanted everyone to think that I was the greatest, most best person, but I didn't want to think that about myself, and I didn't think that about myself. So, so yeah, so that's what it was like And, I mean, you know, it's fun that there were some times that it was, you know, it was fun. I was out with, you know, on a date and doing that, but then, you know, there were also the times where it was like, you know, it was just me and the food and, you know, everything closed off and, you know, and I felt horrible and I was sure that the food would make me feel better and it didn't make me feel better.

It made me feel worse, and then I'd throw up, and that didn't make me feel better either. I just remember, you know, just passing out. It's just, like, making myself throw up and tears are coming out of my eyes and, I mean, just every, you know, my whole body is, you know, and just being, you know, being so exhausted and passing out, and that that was yeah. That's what it was like. That's what it was like.

So what happened was on my 25th birthday, my mom said to me, there's an OA meeting right up the street, why don't we go? And I didn't want to go, but I wanted to hang out with my mom. I didn't really know what else to do that night, so I went with her to the meeting and it was a very small meeting and they were reading from, from a book called, Overeaters Anonymous, the brown book, we call it, that they've recently come out with, like, a second or third edition. It's a, compilation of stories and, and in this book, in print, there was information about a person who was, who wrote, I couldn't stop thinking about food. I spent my entire day thinking about food, thinking about what I could eat, what I couldn't eat, how much I was gonna eat, when I was gonna get it, how I was gonna make sure that no one else saw me eating it.

And being with other people, I the person could never pay attention to the other person because there was food. And I I was so grateful that people were writing about that, talking about it, because I thought that I was the only human being on the planet that thought that way, and I was so ashamed that I couldn't stop thinking about food. I could not stop thinking about it. And I just, that meeting, I remember just being like, I'm home. I've found people who understand.

I found a group of people who understand me. And so I haven't stopped coming to meetings since then and that's really a big deal. So what happened was about a month later, I don't know. I think I stopped growing up then, but I didn't really know what to eat. I just knew what not to eat, you know.

I knew all of the bad foods. I knew bad, bad, bad. I didn't know much else, and so, I was given some suggestions about what to eat, and so I tried eating that. And you know what I did during those 1st 30 days? I remember this really well.

Coming to, OA meetings, I learned the 3rd step prayer. And I really liked the 3rd step prayer. It really seemed like a really beautiful thing to say, and I'm a compulsive person, so I went out and I bought a digital watch that beeps on the hour and I started wearing it and every time it beeps, I would say the 3rd step prayer. And it was great because it was a really good way to memorize the prayer and it got me thinking about my higher power and it got me remembering that I turned my will and my life over to the care of God on an hourly basis. I mean, it was just like, you know, I and that's what I needed at that point to not be eating all day long.

So that was, I mean, that was something that just kind of came to me and I just went with it and, even though people laughed at me because I was wearing 2 watches because I'd have the digital watch to bleep at me and then I had the other watch because that was a better looking watch. So I figured I'd show it to the right 2. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, so I got abstinent then, with the help of my watch and, I got a sponsor and then, you know, life is all is constantly happening and, you know, for whatever reason, part of my path was to relapse.

And at the time, I was pretty devastated by it, but now as I look back, I'm actually completely in acceptance of it, and and I see that it was my path. So I relapsed and I, you know, like, got right back on and got abstinent the next day. And for me, it that you know, a relapse then was I made myself throw up. And, so then I got abstinent again, and I spent just under 6 months working with a sponsor, and she was giving me questions that I had to write on. And I was reading from, different pieces of literature from the AA 12 and 12, the OA 12 and 12, and the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And and I wrote a 4th step, and I read it to my sponsor. I was going to meetings, very regularly. They'd probably go to, like, 5 meetings a week or so, and I went on this long trip across the country with my mom and we went to meetings in Nash Ville and in, where else did we go to meetings? Oh, in Little Rock. Yeah.

We went to some meetings in Little Rock and, did we go to any meetings in Texas? No. I can't remember going to meetings in Texas. We went to open AA meetings as well as OA meetings across the country, and and that was really special. That was really, really neat.

So then I I came back to LA, and, again, part of my path included another relapse. And, yeah, this one was really hard because it didn't last, like, just a day. This one was a good 40 day long relapse, and that's when I it really became clear to me that this disease is progressive, that it gets worse, that that yeah. It just gets worse, you know. I got to see just how just how bad bulimia can be.

And so I was I couldn't, I didn't wanna eat, like, regular meals because I was really attached to not gaining weight or losing more weight. I was just really obsessed with that, and that meant more to me than being abstinent. And it for me, it was like to be abstinent, I had to be a certain weight and I had to look a certain way and I had to eat a certain way and that it couldn't just be that I I didn't throw up and that I could learn to love myself as I was. And, that was always that emergency and emergency situations. And those emergencies just became more and more and more often in that period of relapse.

And I continued going to meetings and trying to call people and asking for help. And, I mean, it was kinda like suffering because I knew what abstinence felt like. I knew what it was like to eat abstinently, but I couldn't do it. And I knew, like, all of I knew about taking contrary action. I'd had so much success before.

I I was calling people, going to meetings, but I couldn't get it. What it was was I had this idea that if I ate bread, I would gain weight and so I refused to eat bread and so I had to, like, all of my meals had to not include bread. And I started calling this woman up and I was telling her what I was eating and she would say, can you have a piece of bread with that? No. Absolutely not.

No. I can't do that. No. No. Because that's gonna make me fat, you know, and then in the afternoon, I proceeded to eat, like, half a gallon of ice cream and half a package of cookies, but I will not eat bread.

No. I will not have a piece of bread with my meal. I mean, I was very adamant, and so we kinda she was very gentle with me, and continued to just kinda say, you know, do you think you could have a piece of bread? No. No.

No. And, you know, and we just kinda go back and forth, but she always took my calls. And then this one Friday afternoon, I got home from work, you know, I stopped by all the 7 Elevens on my way home to get the candy bars to help me get home. And, and I knew I had I I remember the foods. I had some ice cream in the freezer, and I had some cinnamon rolls, and I went out to get myself some Chinese food and some Mexican food, and and I got a Nestle Crunch bar to walk home from the restaurant because I needed, you know, the food to get the block and a half from the restaurant to home.

And so there I was at home, you know, eating my Chinese food and my burrito and, you know, put it on plates and stuff, you know, so it'd be like a meal and at the table and, and, you know, the cinnamon rolls were ready and so I started, you know, shoving these cinnamon rolls in my mouth, pretty much whole. But I I knew that when food is a problem for you, it's always good to throw it away, like put it down the garbage disposal. I'd heard that at meetings and so I'm, like, shoving a cinnamon roll in my mouth and shoving the next one down the garbage disposal and then in my mouth and, you know, and it was just, like, that's what it was like, and, and then there there came the moment afterwards that I knew I had to throw up, and I don't what I remember was, standing in my bedroom and kinda looking down and hearing this voice, and I'll try and recreate the voice, but it's this voice that was in my head that it was just very mad and get in there and what it was saying was get into the bathroom and make yourself throw up.

You have to put your head in the toilet now. You have no choice. You are a worthless piece of crap and that is all you are good for. And it was, like, I mean, imagine somebody who hates their dog so much and, like, beats their dog all the time, and that's how I was treating myself. At that moment, that's what I felt like, like, I was I was beating myself that hard, and, so I made myself throw up and I got out of the bathroom and I just, I just felt like this, there's, there's gotta be another way.

There's gotta be a better way to spend a Friday afternoon and evening. There's gotta be a better way. I don't wanna do this for the rest of my life, and, so I called up that woman who'd been gently asking me to have bread, and I said I gotta ask her to be my sponsor. And if I ask her to be my sponsor, she's gonna tell me that I have to eat bread. And at that point, I was willing to eat a piece of bread because I realized that I did not know what I was doing.

I did not know how to solve my problems. I did not know how to eat. I didn't know how to do anything. And, you know, for me, it was the willingness to eat bread, but I don't think that it's about bread. What I found later is, you know, it's not about the food.

It was this willingness to do whatever, whatever, and to just do it without questioning it and to set aside all of the ideas and, you know, but this but but but, you know, just, you know, the buts have to just kind of be set aside, not kind of, but completely set aside and then just just dive into it. And so I I said, will you please be my sponsor? And I was convinced she was gonna say, no. You're a hopeless case. You know?

There's there's no hope for you. But she said, okay. Yes. I would like to be your sponsor. There's a meeting tonight at 8 o'clock.

Why don't you go? Or can you go to the meeting? She'd always say, can you go to the meeting? Okay. Call me when you get home.

Okay. So I went to the meeting. I got home and I called it. It's like I walked in the door and I picked up the phone. I called her, okay, I'm back from the meeting, And she says, are you in your pajamas?

Can you go to bed? And I was just like, no, I'm not. And she said, okay, brush your can you go brush your teeth and put on your your pajamas and wash your face? Okay. So and and call me back.

Okay. And so I did that and I called her back and I'm just, like, sitting there on the couch and I'm, you know, like this little kid, okay, you know. I brush my teeth, I wash my face, and I'm wearing my pajamas, and she's, like, okay, can you go to sleep now, sweetie? And I was just like, okay, you know, and she said, call me in the morning before you have breakfast. Okay.

And so, you know, I just did it. I just said okay. And the next morning, she helped me eat breakfast and she told me what to buy at the grocery store. Now, I mean, I knew what to buy. I knew how to take care of myself, but I didn't know how to take care of myself.

And I had to just, like, put everything away and just say, okay. I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm gonna take her suggestions. And the magic words for me were okay. It was, you know, she would always say, can you do this?

Can you do this? Can you go to a meeting today? Can you just do this? Can you okay. Okay.

Okay. You know? I I I got into trouble when I would say, well, but, well, but but as long as I said okay, you know, my days went really, really smoothly. I don't know how that works. I I suppose that might be the, you know, higher power working.

So with with that wonderful, wonderful woman, I proceeded to call her every day, go to a meeting every day, because she would just say, can you call me tomorrow? Okay. Can you go to a meeting tonight? Okay. And then I'd call her the next day.

Can you go to a meeting tonight? Okay. Can you call me tomorrow? Okay. So we just, you know, just kind of turned out that I was calling her every day and going to a meeting every day, and it, you know, that just became the most important thing in my day and, you know, what do I eat?

Well, you know, were you abstinent yesterday? Yeah. Can you eat that again? Okay. Again, the magic words, but okay.

And, and she took me through the big book, and she took me through the steps, and, and she took me through the a a 12 and 12. And, her direction to me was to personalize my big book and my AA 12 and 12 to to fit me. And so that meant crossing out where it said alcoholic and changing it to bulimic and compulsive overeater, and it meant crossing out alcohol and changing it to, sugar and food, and crossing out alcoholism and changing it to bulimia and compulsive overeating, and and that was really important, reading the doctor's opinion and changing all of those words, and let me tell you, it saves my butt so often these days to go back and open up that book and read. I mean, you know, when I was in the I am desperate for this and I know that I cannot eat sugar and changing all that stuff, because let me tell you, I'm a compulsive overeater and what that means, what the big book says is that we have this desire, this obsession to eat like other people, to eat like normal people. And, oh, that's something that, you know, like, oh, and let me just eat like a right, you know, a normal person.

Let me just, you know. And so I think I can and when I go back to my book that I personalized for myself, I get reminded that I can't, That I can't do that, you know. That for me, you know, some people can have one cookie and that that relapse that I had, what it really served me to connect that one bite, that one cookie with my head in the toilet. That it was just like there was no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That's just what it meant.

And, to be completely convinced of that is great, but I have amnesia and I forget that often and that's why I have the book there so I get to, you know, go back and look at it. That's why I get to go to meetings. That's why I get to come and talk about it here and remind myself of exactly what my story is and exactly what I can and can't do. So she took me through the steps going through the the big book, and, and I wrote a 4th step, following the columns. And then I went over to her house and it took us 2 weekends of sitting there in in one of her rooms in her apartment and reading it all to her and then going out and burning it all up on, like, the windiest day in Santa Monica.

We couldn't light the matches. It was very funny, but, you know, it's a nice story. But doing that work on a daily basis, just doing that, you know, can you write a little bit more today? Can you write for 5 minutes today? Okay.

Right? You know, okay. Those magic words. And from that, making a list of people who I needed to make amends to, people who I had hurt, and becoming willing to make amends to those people. And there were some that I was immediately willing to do, and so she said, okay.

Let's go ahead and do them. You know? Let's, you know, go give a dollar to Vons for the Nestle Crunch bar that you stole when you were a little kid. Okay. You know, that was easy.

And she start we started there. My stepmother, my sister-in-law were a lot harder. And but luckily, one of the steps is became willing to make amends to them all and you do that before you make the amends. That's what the steps say. And so I didn't have to do that until I became willing.

And the way that, that she directed me to consider becoming willing, sorry, was to look at look at life and look at the situations from that person's perspective and to imagine what it was like to be around me at the time and to, to receive the kind of treatment that I was that I was dishing out. And and it it taught me, like, compassion for other people, and it taught me to really consider my actions and what I say and think and do. And, a person at a time, I guess, I I made these amends and I have made amends to both my stepmother and my sister-in-law. And and today, I I mean, I also made amends to my brother, to my father, my mother. I have a really close relationship with my father and my mother.

I have a close relationship with my grandmother. I have a great relationship with my nieces and my nephew. Sometimes it's hard with my brother and his wife, but I keep on I keep on trying and I keep on making sure that thank you. Okay. I keep on, making sure that my side of the street is clean, And, so that was a really making those amends, it taught me a lot about forgiveness and compassion.

I guess we still have 3 more steps, and those are the 3 steps that I hear are, the maintenance steps. And so step 10, taking personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Each night, I do a little bit of writing and I write about the day, and I right now, I'm following the format aeiu, which is a for abstinence, e for exercise, I for something I've done for myself, o something I've done for others or how I've related to others in the day. You is what have I uncovered. And then, I add on y for yahoo and something that I've done for fun, and g is, gratitude, whatever I'm grateful for.

Yes. I can repeat that. A is for abstinence, e is for exercise, I is something that I've done for myself, o is what I've done for others or how I've related to others, You is what I've uncovered, and then y and g is a yahoo and what I'm grateful for, a gratitude. And that's a, you know, a nice little way to look over my day. Step 11 says sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

And, I don't use my watch anymore to remind me to say the 3rd step prayer on the hour, but, I pray when the light's red, and I have to wait, especially when I'm impatient and I can't wait for that light to change. That's, like, the most awesome time to say a prayer. I pray I pray as often as possible. I pray before my meals. I pray, I get on my knees when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night.

I've taken a lot of suggestions from, from outside people, and it says in the big books, see where religious people are right. They have useful information to offer, And so I've really taken that to heart, and I've allowed there to be plenty of influence from non OA sources, and that's really helped my, my step 11 to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand him. And then step 12 is having had a spiritual awakening as the results of these steps. We tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And, so that for me is kinda 2 part, the spiritual awakening as well as carrying the message.

And, today, I I sponsor people, and, and I talk to other people in the rooms, and I share my experience, strength, and hope with them on a one to one basis. And, and I get so much out of that because because it it keeps me honest, and it keeps me remembering what it was like for me, and it just fills up my heart with so much joy to see someone, like, kind of, you know, to realize that there is hope because I remember feeling so hopeless and just so sure that there was no hope for me. And so to see someone else kinda say, oh, maybe it might be possible for me and to kind of, you know, to help them through those dark times. And, the spiritual awakening is well, I guess I said earlier that what I always wanted was for everybody to love me and to think that I was the best, most greatest. I needed validation from outside completely.

And my spiritual awakening, I believe, is that I love myself unconditionally and that I can look in the mirror and I can I love what I see? I love who I am. I think I'm a great person. I think I'm, like, a fantastic person. I didn't think that before.

I thought I was a worthless piece of crap. I mean, I really didn't think that I was worth anything, and it says in in this book, the AA 12 and 12, in step 12, and I really like the way it says it, and so I'm just gonna read it because I've done enough talking, right. Okay. I'm gonna try and find it quickly. No.

Yes. Here we are. It's on page 124 of the AA1212, And it says, still more wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be specially distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside, we are partners in a common effort, the well understood fact that in God's sight, all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, The certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self constructed prisons.

The surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes, but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things. These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions could possibly be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God. That's page 124 to 125.

That's a long sentence is what it is, but, that's my ambition today, and, you know, it makes me a weirdo in a lot of circles. And and that's okay with me today because because when it comes down to it, on Friday afternoon, on Friday evening, I can go home and I can be alone, and it's okay. And I don't need Chinese food and Mexican food and cinnamon rolls and ice cream and a Nestle Crunch bar to get me through the night, because I've got something way better. I've got a relationship with a higher power, with who I call God, and, and that's just that's worth more than anything. So thank you very much for letting me share.

Are we done? Could I take I can take 1 or 2 questions. What is your abstinence? The question is what is my abstinence? I don't throw up no matter what.

Any other questions? Yeah. Talking about what I do on a daily basis. Okay. It's, very involved because I'm a compulsive person.

I wake up, pretty early, and I get on my knees and pray. I say the first three steps, and I say the 3rd step prayer. I also spend time doing yoga and meditation in the morning, and then before I have breakfast, I pray. And, then on my way to work or wherever I'm going, I pray. And then I, you know, I live my life until it's lunchtime and whatever that means.

And sometimes that'll mean making phone calls, sometimes that'll mean throwing myself completely into whatever activities are at hand. And then when it's time for lunch, I stop. What you know, I I can get really wound up in things, but I stop and I sit down and I say a prayer and I eat my lunch. And then when it's done, a lot of times, I'll have to say another prayer. Sometimes I have to make a call afterwards because, I don't know about you, but, you know, sometimes when meals are over, it's like having a funeral, you know, it's like it's a morning service.

Oh, no. The food is over. I don't get to eat again until, you know, for a few hours. It's a grieving process, on a daily basis. Right?

Some days are like that. And then I have my afternoon segment of the day, which is, a lot of times I'll I'll be doing phone calls then. I'll be taking phone calls or making phone calls, calling my sponsor, And, then a lot of times dinner, I get to either I'm at home alone and or with God or I'll I'll have fellowship with another person and praying before the meal. And then when I get ready to go to bed, I, again, get on my knees and pray, and I say the first three steps again and, and say the 3rd step prayer, and then I do writing in my journal. And sometimes I read, oh, I forgot about the 5 meditation books that I read while I'm eating breakfast, but I'm not obsessive or compulsive about anything.

And then I and then I go to sleep and, and rest and and trust that God is taking care of everything completely. Thanks for the question. Hi. The question is, how do I get myself out of a really busy head? I try to accept that I'm in really busy head and just be really gentle with myself because I found that by forcing myself to stop thinking that way, it's like, you know, if I told everybody in here, don't think of an elephant, whatever you do, don't think of a purple elephant, you know, and you all you thought about was don't think about a purple elephant.

That's all you'd be able to think about. And so instead, okay, that's all you wanna think about, alright, you wanna be really, really going going going. I just try to accept that and be gentle with myself, because I just haven't had it much success beating up on myself that hasn't been successful. Thanks for the question. That's it.

Yay. And it is now time for our secretary's announcement.