The "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

I would like to now introduce our speaker for tonight whose name is no. I'm done here. This is you've heard the last of me. What's your name? Eddie.

Our speaker is Eddie. Hi. I'm Eddie Compulsive Overeater. Hi. I thank god for the abstinence I have.

Thank you, Jamal. Couldn't resist. I'm I'm I'm nervous. I'm kinda nervous. I'm very nervous.

So I just wanted to say that I'm still learning to participate, in life and be a part of groups and everything, and and, this is all new for me. So I just wanted to say that upfront. An old timer said that, he said to me once, after 5 years, it gets real. After 10 years, it gets honest. And after 15 years, it gets real honest.

And, on August 9th, I'll have 5 years, and it's feeling very real to me. And, you know, it's like, wow. Here I am. You know? And, I have the communication skills of a 5 year old on August 9th.

So, anyway, I, I thank god for the absence I have, and I I always, say that after identifying myself because, when I first, started, coming back to OA, almost five and a half years ago, I was doing even if it wasn't told, I was trying to emulate the old timers and the people who, seemed to have what I wanted. And, one of the old timers, he always thanked God for his absence right away, before he shared. And, so I started doing that. And, I I asked him about it once and he said, well, you know, I I always wanna make sure that, you know, that God is in it, you know, and that I that I give thanks to to God because it was him, you know, who's given me this gift. And, I like that a lot, you know, and, it seemed real something humble about that.

So I I emulated that, and it's helped me a great deal. And, and then my my second sponsor, he always thanked God for the abstinence he has. He he he made it clear, he said to me once that it's not his abstinence. He doesn't thank God. He doesn't say, I thank God for my abstinence.

Because it's he always felt strongly that it wasn't anything he did, you know. It was a gift from it sounded good to me too. So I started doing that, and, there again, it it really helps a lot, and I just wanted to share that. So, what it was like oh, I, actually, I have some pictures. I just wanted to, mess these around.

The first, twenty years of my life, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, regardless of the consequence. Excuse me. Regardless of the consequences. And, you know, these pictures will show you that, you know, it didn't matter, what I look like. I my top weight was somewhere over 255, and, I remember I I had a 48 inch waist, and that was a big deal.

You know? I'm sure some people could relate, trying to find clothes, the shame and the embarrassment, particularly, I remember the Gap. It doesn't sell clothes, at least at that time, not that big. Any major event in my life was associated with food, you know. I could tell you what I had for dinner on mother's day in 1981, and, I think that's crazy.

And, all the holidays, I mean, pick a holiday. I'll tell you the food. I don't have very many happy memories of my childhood other than the eating and the food. And, I was thinking about this recently. I got a 20 year high school reunion coming up next year, and, I'll be going back to the town.

I haven't been back there in many, many years. And, you know, I got a lot of amends to make there, places I stole food from, really. Grocery stores, pharmacy. I remember stealing a lot of junk from, pharmacy. So, yeah, yeah, I ate a lot.

You know, I'm a compulsive overeater. I think I was born a compulsive overeater. I am a compulsive overeater. I'm going to die a compulsive overeater, and then I'll be a dead compulsive overeater. But, what happened was when I was 20 years old, I moved to New York, and I started studying.

I was wanted to be an actor, so I was studying acting. And, I discovered, starving. And, my life then became, really about starving for the 1st year or so, and I lost, £85 in the first year. It was really from starving. And, I was like a loose cannon.

I was all over the place. I was incapable of living life on life's terms. I made a lot of, horrible decisions created a lot of wreckage in my life and other people's lives. Feelings would come like a freight train in the middle of the night and run me down, and, I was always acting and responding from that, frame of mind. And, I became I would starve during the day and then binge at night, and I used, marijuana to help me with that cycle.

And, you know, I wouldn't eat very little during the day, do lots of exercising. At one point, I had it in my mind. I wanted to train for the New York marathon, and, I think I had just started jogging recently. And so it's like if, you know, I have a disease of more. You know?

If one is good, 2 is better, and too much is almost enough. And, so I thought I would run the the New York marathon, starving during the day. Eventually, my back and my knees started aching and anyway, just an example of, you know, these bad decisions and and how it was all centered around the food. I I spent many, many hours, thinking about what I ate, what I didn't eat, what I was gonna eat, what I shouldn't eat, what I wanna eat, what I wanna eat, what I don't wanna eat. And when I was writing on my first step, I looked back on all that time.

I reflected on that time and I realized, wow, jeez, I I wasted a lot of time just thinking about food and thinking about my body. And I I kind of speculated that if I compressed all those moments together, it's probably about 2, 3 years solid of just, you know, 24 hours a day just thinking about food and, and my body. I was a compulsive weir, which I have to admit at this time, that behavior is creeping back in, and, I need to share about it, because I know I need to let that go again. At, at one point at the height of that part of my disease, I was weighing myself 40, 50 times a day. First thing in the morning, before going to the bathroom, after the bathroom, after every meal, before every meal.

I would use the scale to tell me when to stop eating, a meal, and it's kinda funny. I had kind of a dark, little, cavernous apartment in New York. I liked it like that. And, the lighting was very bad. But the best lighting to see the scale was from the refrigerator light.

So I kept it in front of the fridge, and I'd open it up and get on it and say, oh, yeah. Look at that, and close close it up. So I think I probably wasted a lot of electricity just holding and closing that refrigerator door just to weigh myself. So I first came to OA back in New York. It was probably about 10, 11 years ago.

And at that time, I didn't really have a higher power. And, I was so full of anger and self will that, there was there was no chance of finding a higher power or any any sense of humility. Humility that that would go along with something like that. And, I stayed around as long as I did, which was about 6 weeks or so. And, I stayed around as long as I did, which was about 6 weeks or so, simply because I was hearing the same language, being spoken, you know, by the people in the room.

I was like, wow. You know? You guys are thinking as much about food or hat in your life than I am right now. So that that kept me around for as long as it did. But, like I said, you know, if if I wasn't gonna do it, it wasn't gonna get done.

So, you know, I left. But, the purpose of that was already planted. The seeds was were planted, and they came to fruition much later. It was exactly it unfolded exactly the way it should have. So to get to my bottom, to the place of desperation, which I know in AA, they they, there are some people that that wish others desperation.

I wish you desperation, you know, because that's I think the only way you're you're really gonna get out of it, was for me, anyway. And so, what happened was, I I met a woman. You know, it's not it's not enough to just kinda meet somebody and go on a date, you know, and see if you like them. I have to marry them, like, right away. And so I met my second wife.

We We had met and, started dating. And, 3 months later, she was pregnant. And, 6 months after that, we got married. And so a year after I met this woman, I was married with a kid, and, I I became a stay at home dad. I I said, well, seems like a good idea to give up everything I want, you know, or thought I wanted at that time, and, and to do this.

And I did. And I was a stay at home dad, and the fear and the fear. It all just boils down in my mind to fear. The fear that I was living do was eat. And, I've had to make a lot of amends to my son, because I in the first two years of his life, I completely manipulated his first two years on the planet to accommodate my eating cut short his time at the park, forget about getting involved in any kind of play groups or relationships with other people with kids.

No. I am an isolator. I am a lone wolf. I like to be withdrawn. And I'm sorry, son.

You're gonna come with me. You know? And, it's very awful. Awful. It actually makes me kind of emotional still to talk about it.

You know, I always made sure that he had the the best environment he could possibly have to sleep the longest amount of time so that I would have a bigger chunk of time to myself to eat, to binge. And, it's, you know, it's the insanity of the disease, sickness. And, I was gaining weight rapidly. I was heading back up to my top weight. Weight.

I was at 220, and I couldn't stop eating. And I was so full of despair and fear and self loathing and shame. And I just kept thinking to myself, my god, were these past 2 years just borrowed time, and this is the real me. I'm supposed to be just a fat guy the rest of my life. And and that was freaking me out.

That was really freaking me out. And what happened was, and I was in a very unhappy marriage, very unhappy relationship. We were not close, you know? We were whatever we were. And what happened was, my son was diagnosed with autism.

And I share that grief stricken, and I felt so powerless and so helpless and just filled with despair that the best idea that I was coming up with was suicide. And I thought I was gonna hang myself. I thought that was the best way to go. I was afraid of guns. It seemed painful.

I didn't have any access to any drugs. I'm afraid of heights. We had an electric oven. So, I thought hanging was the way to go, and I thought I had gotten so fat that it wouldn't take so long. So that was my best idea.

Idea. And one day, I was walking along, and this was truly, truly a gift God because I was so in the fog and so in the fear that I don't know how I could have thought this. But I started I was going over the inventory of all the people that had had and were continuing to do me wrong. And if they would just get their shit together, cavernous apartment that cavernous apartment, weighing myself 50 times a day in front of the refrigerator, that if these people would just tow the line, you know, everything would be better. When I started to realize the similarities between all these people on this mental list I was making.

And it stopped me in my tracks when I realized the common denominator was me. And, I was really kinda frozen with this realization that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. You know? I was making these relationships and making these choices that it was like flying an airplane blind, you know, like, without really knowing where I was going or what I was doing. And, it it actually when I came upon this in the, AA 12 and 12, I was like, wow.

That's exactly what I had thought that day. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. I was like, there it is. That's me. That's what that's what was going on with me.

And the thing that was wrong with me, to boil it down, was, you know, A, I was in the disease. I was eating everything in sight, and I was filled with fear. It's just fear. And I heard, when I first came in to the these rooms, that fear and faith can't faith. And, And, I was really kind of, I'm very grateful for that, to know that.

It relieved me, relieved me, I think, of a lot of a lot of, pressure to get these people to do what I wanted. And, so that made me realize that I had to come back to the 12 steps. I had to come back to o a and start over or start anew, whatever. Just give it over. Give it up.

Because the best idea, the alternative was just hanging myself. That was it. So, I came back. I remember it was a Saturday morning meeting in Lomita. It's a big meeting in the South Bay.

It's probably, I don't know, 30, 40 people every Saturday. And that's where I started to get my recovery. And I I got absent. The first time was April 25, 1998, and, I I was stayed absent for 3 months without a sponsor, without working the steps, and I dropped, like, £30. But, resentments are our number one offenders, and, it says they'll kill us.

And I realized that because I came up against it. And I realized I still had all this resentment towards certain people in my life. And, it was suggested to me by this old timer. I because I went to her and I said, hey. I wanna do that 4 step thing.

I got a lot of resentments I gotta get rid of. And she said, well, did you do the first 3? And I said, well, I don't know. I'm here, aren't I? Isn't that enough?

And she said, no. No. No. Do you have a sponsor if you work the first three steps? Because if, you can't do number 4 until you do that.

And she said, and if you don't have a sponsor and you're not working the steps and you don't have a program if you don't have a program, you don't have anything to offer. And you'll go. You'll leave. You and you won't be back. And I was like, oh my god.

She said, just ask somebody. Do yourself a favor. So I did. My first sponsor, Kelly, one of the most generous human beings I've ever met in my life. So so moving, this man.

I had had shoulder surgery one time, and he took me to the hospital, and he picked me up, and he dressed me. Afterwards, he put my socks and shoes on, you know, and took me home. Very, very generous man. And, he was in several several programs, several 12 step programs. And I remember he always used to say to me, Eddie, I don't I don't think I have any recovery left in me.

This is it. I'm not going anywhere because if I do, I don't think I'm coming back. I said, shit, Kelly. Me too, man. I'm not going anywhere either.

Well, he was serious. He was very serious because he did leave, and he hasn't been back. And I edgewise. He's just off and running. I can't even get a word in edgewise.

He's just off and running. The last I'd heard, he just dropped some weight at Lindora. He was over £300. I think that might have been the second or third time he's done that since, since he left OA. So I really wish him well.

I wish him desperation. I'd like to have him come back. You know? So what I got from that, though, was, wow. I can't fuck around here.

I don't wanna play with fire. I don't wanna take that chance. You know? I'm coming up on 5 years. You know?

I mean, this guy woulda had 7 years. He's he was coming up on 7 years in, like, a week. I don't wanna take that chance and end up out there doing my shit. You know? Because they tell me the disease is progressive, and I'll take your word for it because I don't wanna end up killing myself.

You know? And now I got this son, you know, and I've got a lot of responsibility in my life, and my life is very full today. And there's a lot going on. And, you know, people told me when I came here that your life will fill out, you know, doing the deal here, you know, being involved, being active, your life will fill out. And, you know, I heard it.

Whatever. Yeah, sure. Great. Thanks. Here I am coming up on 5 years, and it's true.

It's I don't know how it happened or why it happened or whatever. It just has, you know. And there again, like I said, I'm not real good at participating, being part of a group, or, you know, really even having relationships. And so I just kinda do what's asked of me. And I have service commitments, and I have I have a sponsor.

I actually have 2 sponsors at the moment. You know, and I do things like this. I show up and do this only because it's asked of me. You know? I do this against my will, you know, because my will wouldn't have me here.

You know? I'd rather be at home, alone. That's my will. So my life is filled. It's filled out.

And, you know, I teach now. I have a class that I teach on Saturdays. That's where I came from today. You know, I I one of the goals that I had set for myself as an actor was I wanted to get into the actor studio, and, I'm well on my way to doing that. Today, it's it's kind of a thing that I wanted, and, I'm getting to participate over there.

And, very grateful. It's very very humbling. It's very grateful. I'm just really, you know, whenever they have that comment line and the sign in sheet, I can't think of anything else to put down there other than grateful. That's all I think of to put.

I I read other people's things to get ideas, you know. Oh, look what that person put. That's kinda clever, you know. Oh, that's interesting. They said exactly where they are today in like, four words.

That's that's incredible. You know? I mean, like, I really look at it. It's like, wow. These guys are masters at the comment line.

You know? All I ever put is grateful. And I sometimes I I write it and I look and I think, god, grateful again. I don't know what else to put. So, one of the things how much time do I have?

How much? Don't think I hear enough of the physical part of the disease, you know. I think that the doctor's opinion very much does apply to me, that I do do have an allergy to foods. And I brought up my son's autism earlier because this is where it play a big part. My abstinence, by the way, it's 3 meals, no sugar, no flour, no bread, no chips, no potatoes, no red meat, no pork.

And, that grew. That that was an evolution. When I first started, it was 3 meals and a fruit snack, no sugar, no red meat, no pork. And, you know, more was revealed later, and the road got narrower. I've never taken anything back, because I don't think I'm cured.

But things certainly came up that I said, you know what? I think it's time to let that go. I've eaten my share of that stuff. If I eat any more, I'll be eating somebody else's share. But, when I gave up the flower, it was so profound to me, so revealing for her.

And it was a low grade thing, though. I guess, like alcohol I'm not an alcoholic. I guess, alcoholics, they drink the alcohol. They have, like, these violent allergic reactions to the alcohol. You know?

With the flower, for me, it was something very subtle, like a low grade fever. And it was just like this haze. It was just enough of film that covered my eyes that I didn't know was there my whole life until I gave it up. And after a certain period of time, I don't know, 30 days, 6 weeks, something like that, and and then I was like, oh my god. It was really kind of revealing.

And one of the things that was explained to me was that it's not good for him to eat gluten or casein. Gluten is wheat, rye, oat, and barley because his body lacks a certain enzyme that breaks down those proteins, and it acts as a mild opiate and keeps them checked out, exacerbates this condition. They said that. I was like, my boy, my boy. I completely know what you mean.

You know? And it it, there again, made me feel like, oh oh, my God. I'm on a path. A plan is unfolding because I had just given this substance up. And I had this wonderful, liberating experience.

And now it's being presented that to help my son, he's going to have to give that stuff up too. So, it very much made it simpatico for me. And it very much made it feel like, wow, everything does happen for a reason. And I have seen the effects on my son when he eats that shit. He's not the same kid.

He's not the same kid. And I know that, and I can identify it and recognize it very quickly because I know it in me. You know? He's my son. You know?

He's flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. So, it helps I can see in him, the obsession sometimes with food. And I take a lot of supplements, you know, to help. This is all my opinion. You know, I'm not that I feel like that's as far as I want to go with that, but the important thing is that I don't think it's an abstract thing that we have a physical disease, you know, and that the doctor's opinion really applies to alcohol and alcoholics, yet we kind of read read it and believe it in an abstract kind of, you know, inferential kind of way, you know, a way that symbolically we relate to.

I think it's real, you know, for me, for me. And I've had that experience completely appreciate how it sets up the cravings and the mental obsession. And without a higher power, you know, to help me, know, I can very quickly be off to the races. So, I wanted to throw that in because it's very much been on my mind a lot lately. I like it when I hear people talk about certain substances that they've had to let go of or given up, it helps me.

It helps to remind me that there very much is that addiction an allergy for me. The other thing I wanted to talk about, that I wanted to say, was the 11th step is not extra credit. That's what somebody said to me, and I love that. And being an actor, you know, I'm very much a stickler for how the word is written, how the line is written. And it says prayer and meditation.

It doesn't say prayer and or meditation. There's not a choice before recovery and the disease, I had no spiritual life. I had no seeking. I had nothing. You know?

So, coming to this, 5 years ago, meditate, I'd sooner stick myself in the eye with a sharp stick, you know, than sit there and be quiet. But I do it now. Sometimes I don't do it every day, and I can feel it when I don't do it on that day. And here's another thing in my experience. I was always an insomniac.

I always had a lot of trouble sleeping, a lot of trouble sleeping. Well, that doesn't seem to be an issue for me today. And one of the things about my son, he has sleep issues, sleep problems, and they said, oh, it's a zinc deficiency, and make sure he gets calcium and magnesium with it, help his body absorb it. And that that that affects his sleep. Well, it's good for the goose.

It's good for the gander. I take that stuff every night, and I meditate. I meditate in the morning. I sleep now, you know. It's like, to me, it's a miracle, you know, because there would be many nights in a row where I would be up 4, 5, 6 hours, you know, committees in session, you know, rooftop chatter, you know, and nobody wants to hear from me, you know.

But, that doesn't seem to be the problem anymore today. And, I'm very grateful for that too. It's yet another thing. It makes me go to grateful on the comment list. The other thing about, spiritual, the 11th step and the 12th step, I heard an old timer say once that god lives in the space between me and you, and the closer I get to you, the closer I get to god.

And, that really resonated with me. It stuck with me because I don't I'm fearful of people. I'm very fearful of people, you know, particularly men. I have issues with men. Yeah.

So, it has helped me to get closer to people. And I love these meetings and I love hearing stories and I love the humility. When somebody really has that humility thing, I'm like, wow, that really catches my ear. I really like that a lot. Well, actually, it's one of my sponsors.

He said that the physical recovery always opened his eyes, always got his attention. You know, and when he heard of physical recovery, you know, his eyes would open. Yeah, that's true, but something about the humility thing. I've heard some pitches that just have stayed with me for 5 years now, 3, 4, 5 years, and I don't think I'll ever forget them, you know, simply because there was just so much humility in them. And it's funny because I was reading, before I came in, tradition 5.

And Bill is talking to the the guy in the hospital, and and he says he says to him, he says, but from what you've told me about yourself and your problems and how you propose to lick them, I think I know it's wrong. Okay, the man said. Give me the business. Well, said Bill, I think you're just a conceited Irishman who thinks he can run the whole show. This really rocked him.

But as he calmed down, he began to listen while I tried to show him that humility was the main key to sobriety, abstinence. Finally, he saw that I wasn't attempting to change his religious views, that I wanted him to find the grace grace in his own religion that would aid his recovery. You know? And so, I was like, wow. I guess my instincts to hear and listen for the humility, you know, were right on.

So, very grateful for that. Because I can be very arrogant and very egotistical and very selfish and self centered, you know. And my ego is not my amigo. And, you know, I want to be in charge. I want to run the show.

Today, it's very gratifying to help people. I find that, you know, whatever, somebody calls me, somebody reaches out, to just be helpful, you know, to share my experience, strength, and hope. There's something about that that really lifts me up, and I really feel like I was with God when that when that has happened. You know? And I really abstain from giving advice, you know, or telling people what to do.

If I can't share it in relation to my experience, strength, and hope, then, you know, I usually just listen. That's all I can do for somebody is just listen. There's another point that I that popped into that key brain of mine. Well, I tell you, as I get older, you know, I used to make fun of people when they were younger, and they couldn't remember things. I say, how the hell can you not remember that?

I was there. You know? I remember it. And I say, oh, oh, Eddie, when you get older, I'm starting to forget things. I'm like, Jesus.

They were right. Oh, character defects. Yes. I did step 6 and 7, and I said to, an old timer, I said, what the hell? I just did 6 and 7.

What's changed? Nothing. I still feel the same. I told you what my defects are. And he said, yeah.

That always baffled me. He said, I I came to believe it's a process, not an event. And I was like, woah. For me, the ramifications, how I heard that were so strong and and profound for me. I was like, my god.

That's what life is. It's a process, not an event. And I realized, Jesus, I was waiting for these events to happen, you know? And when they didn't, it made me angry and and resentful. Or if an event happened, rather than recognizing it as a process, I was angry or resentful.

So, that really I found that very liberating. I still today very much have character defects. And it's as they present doesn't take much. And I like to binge on anger. Much.

And I like to binge on anger and resentment, you know? Well, I'm sorry. I always refer to the literature. I'm big on literature. Step 6, self righteous anger also can be very enjoyable.

In a perverse way, we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us too. Here, we are not trying to help those we criticize. We are trying to proclaim our own righteousness. Wow.

That's me. You know? And it's still me to this day. And it's me when I'm not meditating. It's more me when I'm not meditating.

You know? Oh, a nice resentment? That's like a half a dozen donuts. You know? I could go with that for a day, day and a half straight.

So, you can feel the heat. I can feel it rising up, you know, in the back of my mouth. So, I've really had to come to learn that, wow, I've really got to let that go. I mean, itis one thing to write it down and tell my sponsor about it, but itis really I really understand how I gotta ask for help from God. I really gotta say, hey, you know, please, you gotta take this from me, you know.

And I found that what I've been doing is just doing that before I get angry, you know, before I get in it, like what it said, what I just read. I found that it's kind of like the same thing. Like, somebody said, you know, you work with a sponsor when times are good too. You know? You don't just call you sponsor in a panic.

And, and that's true. That's been my experience. It's like, wow, yeah. It's like making deposits in the karma bank or something. And, you know, when the shit hits the fan, I can make a withdrawal and can kind of get me through.

So, the other thing, I use the 7 deadly sins to help me with my character defects. And, when I got to sloth, I was like, I'm not slothful. You know? I'm I'm a doer. You know?

I get things done, task oriented. But, then somebody said to me once, relationships are work. And I was like, oh my god. I I like to isolate. I don't really like to do that relationship work stuff.

I prefer to withdraw. Oh my god. I am slothful. I don't wanna do the work. Lover or friend or colleague or anything.

So, I've had to ask a lot of help with that. Sometimes I don't know how to address things in a relationship and to tell people what I need or what's going on. Good. And so, I've had to I'll call somebody who has what I want and say, what what should I say? I don't I don't really know what to say here.

And, I'll listen to them. You know? And and more times than not, I'll I'll do what they say and maybe tweak it a little here and there. So, anyway, I just got the, the flag. Boy, was I nervous, and, I really appreciate you guys listening.

It helps me a lot. It helps me to practice participating. You know? I feel like I was a little dry today, but I guess I'll just have to let that go. So, what happens now?

I take questions. Oh, God. So thanks for letting me share. Okay. Thanks.

Any questions? Okay. Great. Let's go. Oh, no.

Mhmm. Yes. How do I work? The question was, how did I develop the skills and tools to reach out to people, which, yes, very much, I don't like the phone. And I think what I'm beginning to realize now, as I'm getting older in my abstinence, is that I don't know how to end a phone conversation.

You know? I don't really know how it's supposed to go. And so, I think, maybe, on some level, I'm afraid of using the phone because I'm gonna get trapped on there, you know, and I'm gonna be on there for, like, a half hour or so, and it's gonna really fuck up my day, you know. And And it's and I think that, you know, it's I mean, yeah. Sometimes, I have places I need to be, you know, and I can't have so, what I'm getting better at doing is, is if I return a call or take a call, I say I got 10 minutes, you know.

And, and people don't seem to be offended, which is good. Sometimes I've actually had to set a timer because I've had to make a list of calls, you know, like, return people's calls, whether it's programmed or not. And I'll call them and say, hey. Return your call. Listen.

I got 10 minutes. I gotta set this timer. You know? And, I did that with a and he said, oh, okay. Let me get right to the point.

So what happened was and I was like, mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay.

Great. What you need to do is pray and meditate. Okay. I gotta go. So so that that has and that's only been recent that I've come to that.

It goes in and out. It really is contrary action for me to take and make phone calls, you know? And, there again, I find that if I don't if I do it when I have a comfortable cushion of time, it helps me because I think if I do it when I think, like, I've got 15 minutes, you know, I think I get paralyzed with, oh, God, no, I'm going to get trapped on there and I'm not going to know how to end the conversation, you know. I mean, I've let call waiting calls go because I don't know how to interrupt somebody to say there's another call coming in, you know. And then I gosh.

I hope that wasn't about a job. You know? So, so it's it's there again, it's a process, not an event for me. And I find that, like I said, when I'm calm, and I don't have to make any calls to make some calls, just to check-in and and say hello, and that's it. You know?

That that has helped me a tremendous amount. So, cool. Well, I think I don't recall that I did because I didn't start my abstinence with the flower. And at the beginning, I've got to tell you, when I first got abstinent, I realized where that phrase hopping mad came from. Because there were days I was hopping all over my house.

I thought that's the only way I could get the anger out of me, you know. And, at one point, while I was in the midst of doing it, unconsciously, I became aware. I said, Oh my God, look, I'm hopping around this house. Wow. That's where they came up with this phrase, hopping mad.

Jeez. That's interesting. But the point is is that when I first got abstinent, I guess if that was part of the withdrawals and that was the sugar eating in between meals, then, yes, very much so. But by the time I think I got to the flour, because first I did white flour, and, I just had a willingness. And I don't really And, I just had a willingness.

And I don't really remember having that kind of an acute reaction to it. And then, eventually, I realized that, you know, flour and bread is this no matter what color it is, you know, so I I just had to give it up. And I and like I said, I was very willing, have never had described myself as that, you know, when I was giving up something that I was very much in love with. So, so, yeah, early, the first part of abstinence with the sugar and just being abstinent, yes, very much so emotionally and I think physically. I did go go through a lot of withdrawals.

But later on, it just I was very willing, I think. So cool. Any others? Hey, Stan. Great kids.

Thanks a lot. Oh, thanks, Dan. How do I deal with fear coming up? Meditate is the first thing. I was trying to do a little meditation right there before I got up.

That's a big thing. It was suggested to me that, when I'm feeling fearful, which, I was sharing with somebody the other day, I think like flower, that that is a low grade progress part, you know, like that says, it's you know, we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. The spiritual progress part, I think, is, breaking that fever for just little chunks of time in the course of my life, you know? And what get quiet and do that. And, get quiet and do that and, and meditate.

And I can only meditate for a couple of minutes at a time, at the best. That's a good day. It's maybe 2 or 3 minutes. And, and then, you know, just just walk through it depending on what it is. You know?

Like, for this, I just I kept saying to myself, well, it's just my experience, strength, and hope. You know? What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. You know? It's just that simple.

You know? You get all these I get all these grandiose ideas. And I come up here, I'm gonna be funny and all that stuff. And I just was with an old timer. And he was great, man.

He had these ah, he's just the best speaker. He's actually going to be speaking at Srini Sunday, coming up. But, what did he say? He said, he said, yeah. I was gonna give my humility pitch, but there's not enough people here.

I loved it. And he said, hey. Hey. I'm very proud of my humility. So, so anyway, you know, that's the start of it, I think, is that thing.

You know, reading this material that has a good. Good. Cool. That's it. So what happens now?

I get off the podium. Thank you very much.