The Practice These Principles group in Spring Lake, NJ

Robbie w from Vineland, New Jersey. Please please welcome Robbie w. Thank you. Good evening. My name is Robin.

I'm an alcoholic. I got a microphone. Isn't that nice? I wanna thank everybody for showing up tonight. You know, my home group is the stagecoach group of alcoholics anonymous.

We meet just outside of Ocean City, New Jersey, very southern end of New Jersey, in a little town called Marmure. We have 5 meetings a day, 10 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon, 5:30 at night, 8 o'clock at night, and our 10 o'clock meeting at night is called the Fog Lifters meeting. A lot of fog gets lifted. Currently, I chair the Monday at 8 PM meeting. One of my spa I I have a fellow named Tim from my home group.

I called him way up here. He's handling that for me tonight. But if you're ever in Southern New Jersey, ask for my number before I leave tonight and I'll get you my home group and it's a real it's an old fashioned AA group. We meet for an hour and a half. Every one of our meetings are an hour and a half, and we have speaker discussion meetings, we have big book meetings, 12 and 12 meetings, as Bill sees it means, tradition meetings, and on and on and on.

It's a real good group. We would love to have you. My sobriety date is November 1, 1983. One date at a time, I got sober when I was 22 years old. I'm 42 today.

The only problem with that is that the longer you stay sober, the older you get. But, so, sobriety has been good to me. I love AA and I love everything about it today. Didn't like it at first, but I'll I'll share about that. Wanna welcome you back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics, and I'm just with your 80 or how many days?

4. 84. 84 days. That's awesome, man. Congratulations.

Keep it up. Keep sitting up front. You're in the right seat. Wanna thank Mike and Billy for asking me to share tonight. It's always an honor when I get a chance to share in front of alcoholics at an AA meeting.

You know? None of this ever goes to my head, you know, when I'm here because I know, you know, why I'm here. I'm here tonight, you know, to share my experience, my strength, and my hope, with the disease of alcoholism. You know, what it did to me. You know, what happened and what it's like today.

That's all. It's my turn to be up here. I love sitting out there. In fact, I love we were talking about before the meeting. I love doing service work more than this.

You know? But, whatever I'm asked to do, I do. I don't I don't question. You know? What would the master do?

You know? Where where am I supposed to be of maximum service to god and others? And tonight, it's here. You know, tonight, it's it's right here and I'm grateful to be here. Thanks for welcoming me to your group.

I love to start out my talk just for a moment to ask everybody, if you will, just for a silent moment of reflection, I'd like to ask everybody just for a second just to bow your heads if you will with me, and to ask our higher power to come into the room tonight, so that he can come into my heart and speak through it, and and hopefully as well come into your heart so you guys can listen through it. If you will, we'll meet back here just in a few in a few seconds. Thank you, everybody. I know for me, when I when I do that before I start, when I force myself to do that, just like when I force myself to get on my knees in the morning when I get up to say my prayers that, now I'm speaking the language of the heart, which Bill Wilson, our our founder, Bill w, commonly referred to a lot. And, not the language of the gutter.

You know, not my deal. You know, when I'm when I'm up in front of alcoholics at at an at an AA room, like, I really don't share my opinions. You know? It has nothing as far as I'm concerned, it has nothing to do with alcoholics. I share my experiences, my strengths, and my hope.

You know? I know that I I while I may not represent alcoholics tonight, I represent AA at work. You see? I represent AA in my family. Okay?

I represent Alcoholics Anonymous out there on the road. I really do. You know? And that's not my, and that's not my ego talking. My my my employer and employees at my job, they know I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous.

So it doesn't look too good when I'm there maybe, you know, using that guttural language. Hey, what's the matter with you? I'll knock you on your you you know who I am and all that stuff. Or when I'm out on the road. When I'm acting like that, I'm certainly not being a good example of alcoholics anonymous.

Especially if I have a bumper sticker that says, you know, there but for the grace of God go I. You know? But anyway, I'm I'm a real grateful member of Alcoholics and I'm I love what Bill says in in in the big book. And he says, in there's a solution. He says, We Alcoholics were like the passengers on a great ship liner the moment after shipwreck where joyousness and camaraderie pervade the vessel.

You know? And and and I think what he's talking about is when we come to AA with our stories, you know, what happened to us, you know? You know, how we got beaten and battered by the storms, how we finally land in this wonderful island called Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? But then Bill's funny, you really have to watch Bill cause Bill was a very, very smart man and and could tell that you know, he really he really got deep.

And and the next sentence says, but that in itself would not be enough for people like us to keep us here as we are today as a fellow with alcoholics anonymous. In fact, he says that's only one of the powerful elements of cement that holds us together, our stories. Imagine if all we did was come here and talk about our stories. Imagine if all we did was come here and say, yeah, I I drank here. I went to this jail and that prison, and I lost this wife and that husband and da da da da.

I'm going to meet him. Are you gone? Yeah. I'll be at that step meeting that sucker Mike's gonna share. That guy Billy that thinks he's funny is gonna share.

And I yi yi yi yi. And wouldn't it just be horrible? Wouldn't it just be horrible? That's all we talked about. I believe it would be.

And then Bill s Bill backs me up the next paragraph. He says, The tremendous fact is that we found a common solution. One in which we can agree and join in brotherly and harmonious Action. Action. You see?

And that's so important. You know, like today, like, oh my god. It's so easy for me, especially when I was newer, to, pick out what somebody says, man, woman, whatever, that I don't agree with. Oh, I don't believe in that, or I don't believe in this, and oh, you know what? You're you know, and to take other people's inventories.

You know, but for me today, I have to, force myself to, you know, to get along, you know, to to join in with the solution, and to agree with you guys, especially in a business meeting. You know? To join in broadly and harmonious See, cause that's when something really a synergy takes place. You know, I studied in school and synergy is when you just put 2 elements and you put them on a table side by side, nothing happens. But when you put them together, something happens.

And when you put us together, working together in unity, like it says in our traditions, all of a sudden, something wonderful takes place. And I believe, you know, that is when a god comes into AA and and he and he he allows us and and helps us to learn how to be citizens again, how to be husbands and wives and and employees and and whatever it is. You know? Sons, daughters, it doesn't matter. Grandmothers, grandfathers, it doesn't matter.

But it just helps us be human beings again. Bill says in the book, an alcohol in his or her cups is an unlovely creature. You know? And, and that was so me. When I put a drink of alcohol on me I was just a a nut.

And, let me let me talk about that a little bit. You know, my first drink, my story begins, you know, with my family in Philadelphia. I grew I was born and raised in Philadelphia, okay? And my family's perfect man. My family, you know, is just like the Brady Bunch.

You know, Jan and Mike Brady, man. My mom and dad, they were just so awesome. They wore the old fashioned clothes. They were, you know, nice as could be. You know, dad smoked a pipe like wood cleaver.

You know what I mean? My my mom was just, you know, sent sent me and my little sister to Catholic schooling, and I always had the best Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers, I had an Easter suit, you know what I mean? I had everything I ever wanted. Nurturing, I mean, you know, it was just, you know if they were gonna spank me they told me why. You know what I mean?

Like that type of thing. It was just a great upbringing man like I was not abused you know my and we all have different stories I know a lot of us come from broken families and abuse alcohol and drugs and sexual and all that stuff I don't come from any of that man I come from just a wonderful middle class family in Philadelphia. A Catholic upbringing. I love Catholic school. 1st 8th grade before I picked up a drink.

I mean, I used to clap the the erasers for the nuns. You know what I mean? Like, I was in the best reading classes and and science classes, and I I just love school. Never missed a day. I volunteered for everything.

I I mean, I did projects. I took weeks on projects that other kids did in a couple of hours and I just showed everybody up man I just I was gonna be somebody. You know? And then 8th grade summer, I went to a YES concert. And for all your old timers, that's a rock and roll group.

And I went to this YES concert and I and I had a pint first drink was a my first drink was a pint of Southern Comfort, okay, mixed with nacho cheese Doritos corn chips. And I proceeded during this song called Roundabout, which is their bed. All these lights came on, and I projectile vomited in front of this on this guy with real long black nappy hair. Why made it nappier? And, and, it was just horrible.

It was a horrible feeling coming out and all those tough chips coming up and out them nose and it was just horrible. It was horrible. It was a horrible feeling. And, I was to, pursue that feeling for many, many years, you know? And I can't explain it, but when a drink went in May, something happened and I changed.

That doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde. You know I played football growing up all from a little kid and I was always the quarterback like 3rd string. Alright? I played shortstop on the baseball teams growing up and I was always, you know, just shortstop man, like 2nd string. I played basketball.

I barely made the team. I'm on the bench saying let's go big bill and all that. I I was always involved but I was never the man, you know? But when I went to the corner with the brute, I was like the head tap man from my corner. You know what I mean?

And so when I drank, something happened. I could become I was a part of a wonderful deal called drinking with these kids in high school. Now, I mean high school was just a blur. High school was just one party after another party after another party. I went to a private Catholic high school, prep, all boys.

You know, as you would think, well, there's gonna be some higher learning here. You know, we're not checking out all the girls and we're not, you know, we're our our our our minds aren't somewhere where it shouldn't be. We're focused. We have we have obliques. Saint Francis is teaching us.

You know, like, I got got all these courses like trigonometry and calculus and chemistry. Right? Physics and all this stuff. And, and I didn't get nothing out of high school. Because all I could think about was drinking.

And me and all the boys, we would drink during school. You know, we would drink during school. We would drink at night. The whole week would be planned about, you know, where we're gonna be Saturday night, you know? Where we're gonna be Friday night?

What's going on Sunday? What game are we going to? Who's getting a beer? And I can't explain it, but I just, like it says in in in the first step, alcohol, became a rapacious creditor. You know, I have a sponsor who makes me look stuff up.

Rapacious means to take with force. And alcohol took with force everything from me. You know? All will to resist its demands were gone in me. I I couldn't resist its demands.

My mom got smart. She, she didn't read all this big book that we have out, you know, where it says that, you know, one one drink is too many, a thousand isn't enough feeling, one of those stories in the book. She didn't read the fact that I have a I have an allergy, you know, which is a mental obsession coupled with a physical compulsion. She didn't read the book where it talked about the phenomenal craving that I get as an alcohol. She didn't read that.

So she got me to watch Scared Straight. Okay? 3 Saturdays in a row. I'm 16 years old, right? Back, this is the late seventies now.

I got the, you know, the the wings going back like Bruce Jenner, you know. I used to spend more time in the bathroom than my little sister because, you know, I had to look good back then and and, you know, the the disco jeans and all, but, you know, the silk shirt with the gold knot. I just thought I was the but I was drinking. And my mom, for 3 Saturdays in a row, I had oh, it was it was it was it was horrible. It was like a purgatory if you're a Catholic.

She made me stay in every Saturday night and watch Scare Straight, which was these Rahway State, prisoners who were doing life. And their way of paying back society was to tell young juvenile delinquents like me what would happen if they continued on their way of drinking like like I like I was doing. And so every Saturday night I would sit and watch these big old guys, hairy, tattooed, ugly, big, nasty, horrible fellas just being mean, you know, to these to these young guys and just saying things and and really scared me for 3 Saturdays in a row. And the 4th Saturday, what what do you think I did when I went to the corner? I got drunk.

You You know, because alcohol represented itself. You see, you couldn't scare me. You see, it worked for a while, but it's but I'm an alcoholic. It was gonna take more than a few prisoners that I'm probably never gonna meet, you know, inside some penitentiary to scare this deal out of me. See, I got a I got a disease, man.

If that's all it took, man, you know, we won't even need this program, you know. So that didn't work. But my mom tried. She meant well. I went through high school.

I graduated. Graduated from high school, no problem. It just wasn't. And, and I got a job. Let me tell you the first let me back up.

Just half a second. I graduated from school and I went down to what we call senior week down in Wildwood, New Jersey. From Philly to Wildwood, New Jersey. And that's where all the guys go down, all the girls go down, and by golly, you party for a week. You know, you graduated.

And I know this is where like the non alcoholics probably drink a little too much and it's a little they're fun and all. And this is where someone like me just really gets out of hand, you know. And and I did. And I went out with this young girl all through high school. Her name was Barbie.

And me and Barbie, I mean we went to all the dances, the freshman dance, the soft hop, the junior prom, the senior prom. And she was from the catholic Prep Girls High School and graduated the same year as I did, and I was from the Bush. And so, the first night there, I I showed up at her little hotel room and I walked in and she said, Sit down. And so I could follow direction, right? I'm married.

And so I sat down, I sat down and I saw 4 of her little girlfriends heads like popped out of a bedroom all looking out, so I knew something was getting ready to go down. And she said, Robbie, I'm telling you this happened, the day is long here, this happened. She said, Robbie, you drink too much for me. And, I'm gonna have to let you go. You know?

I I I'm going to go in a different direction. You know how you girls say that to us guys? So she broke up with me and I was downtrodden all the way back to the hotel room. I was downtrodden. And, and I got back to the hotel room and I told my buddies, what's wrong, dude?

And I go, Barbie just broke up with me, man. And, like, you know, girl, I'm gonna marry blondie or blue eyes. It's my my girl, what am I gonna do? And all. And they're all like, yeah.

This is great news. And like like John Belushi at Animal House and like 5 seconds I'm like, Yeah. Good point. Now we could party and I'm not gonna worry about her and taking her to the bar and being sober enough to take her to the beach and all that crap. And I just drank all night like a real, all week like a real alcoholic.

And I just, it was just horrible. I mean, just drinking after drinking after drinking. Got home and there was a letter in the mail from a and remember, I'm drinking all through high school. So I wasn't going doing all those preparatory college classes like some of the boys that I went to school with and become I didn't become a lawyer and become an attorney and become this and that and the next thing. All I wanted to do was, drink.

So I didn't I wasn't taking I wasn't going to college. I was, like, prison. You kidding me? And, and so but there was a job waiting for me. And, my my guidance counselor who looked over me, watched over me, got me a job at a Center City Bank.

Okay. A federal depository. And I showed up. Now I'm a real alcoholic at this point. I'm only 18 years old.

But trust me, I have all the traits at this point in my life. If you were drinking, I'm drinking. I mean, I was I was hiding it. I was, I couldn't get enough. I I was the first one there.

I was the last to leave. I would go with you man, woman, boy, girl. Question mark. I'll still go with you if you're drinking. I didn't even matter if I wasn't even sure what you are.

You drinking? Good. Let's go. You know? And, anyway, I'm an alcoholic.

I'm 18 years old. I get a job at a bank. And I'm thinking now it's gonna change. I got my hair cut short, you know, I got the tie back on, and all my buddies are going off to the war or getting jobs or going to college. And so now I'm getting a job at a bank.

And then it happens, and the vice president sits down with me the 1st, 2nd day, and he tells me, Robbie, if you go through 3 months of probation here at the bank, we're gonna send you to Temple University, which was right down at Broaden, Columbia. Okay? And if you get a, b's, or c's, we're gonna pay for it. So it wasn't that great. So I just knew that, you know, I'm gonna be the vice president of this place real soon.

He better watch out because my parents didn't have a lot of money, but now they're gonna send me to college. And all I had to do was just be a good boy for 90 days. Would you think I could have done that? And I was doing good until the next day. And and the head bank teller said to me, her name was Joan.

Still remember that. Sick. She says, Robbie, we all go to froggies after work. And she pointed out the window, and there was a big neon sign that said, froggies leap on in. You know?

I don't know how I remember it. I'm an alcoholic. I remember that stuff, you know? Oh, there was probably a PNC building, there was probably a Walmart, I don't know what else was there, but I remember Froggy's. And, I left on in with the girls that Friday night.

And I just thought, you know, I'm an 18 year old young kid, a boy, I got 4 girls I'm going over to the bar with, you know, I'm just like in heaven, you know, they all like my blue eyes, I'm like, yeah. You know, I'm just thinking this is just wonderful. Thank you, God. You know? The problem is there's a lot of booze in bars.

Okay? You know? If if it was just a sandwich joint, if it was a steak joint, I would have been okay maybe. I'll have a I don't have an eating problem, you know? But, I started drinking and just fell in love with the place.

And, like, I'm not really politically correct. I know sometimes I tell this story in in my home group, and they get mad at me. They they think I'm glamorizing it, but I'm not. I'm just telling my story. This is what happened.

Alcohol started to romance me. I'll give you a for instance. When I was a kid, I used to always ask my mom because I was always fixated on this. I wouldn't know, also, if Barb was gonna be my wife. I didn't because I didn't I wasn't sure.

And I'd say, mom, how am I gonna know when I meet the right woman? How am I gonna know? That was just one of my things as a kid. And she'd give that typical mom answer and she'd say, you'll just know. You know?

One of those, like, how did you know when daddy was going oh, I just knew. You know? And and then she'd say, but then I I probed her all the time. She'd say, you know, well, you'll feel something special. You know?

You you you you you'll hear music. You you may see stars. You may actually hear angels singing whatever. You know what I mean? Like I kept on, you know, I I guess he just wanted to shut me up and whatever give me an answer.

So I was at froggies the end of the 2nd week and and this dude his name was Mac he lined up 5 shots okay of of something Then he lined up 5 jiggers of something else for me. And then he lined up 5 drafts of Heineken for me. And he walked away. And something happened. I've I I heard I heard those bells go off.

I heard sorry. I swear to you as I live and breathe and I stand here, I heard angels singing, Hallelujah. You know? And so, like, and that was the truth. And I met my soulmate and it was called John Barleycorn or booze.

You see, I wasn't really a a good, social drinker with the girls. They, I think, found out quickly that I drank a little different than they did. And, and I was there every night. The problem with that when you're a bank tower I'll share something with you. Bank towers don't make a lot of money.

Okay? My parents didn't have a lot of money. You know? And, I decided to give myself gradual raises at this bank. Okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I wasn't as high bottom as you thought. I met Billy met me out of my vehicle. I come out with my suit in this real nice minivan and doors open automatically.

He says, oh, high bottom drunkers. I said, well, I'll wait to hear my story. And, I, I was doing well with this this concept for a probably a couple weeks. I was very popular at the bar. I, I was able to take see, I'm so sick.

I thought the cameras were on the people out there trying to rob us. You know what I mean? I I think they're looking for Bonnie and Clyde. They ain't looking for me. You know, I'm from Catholic high school.

I'm a good kid, sure there. And, I showed up for work one day. True story. 18 years old. Never been in trouble with the law.

Never been in the back of a police car. Wouldn't, I mean, never. Ever. Why? Why would I?

I just and, there's 2 federal officers, they're called FBI, at the bank, Guns, handcuffs, and, short hair like mine. And, and they asked me, is your name Robert Walker? Now I'm an 18 year old drunk. 18 years old. And and again, I looked.

I had a wonderful family at home. I had a nice job with with the, opportunity to go to college and for my and this and I hate to say this, but it's the truth. This lending institution I was working for, they're still in existence today. Isn't that horrible? I mean, I could've really still been with them, you know?

I mean, that still kills me when I say that. But the but the alcohol took it. But the point is is that they, patted me down. They read me my rights. They put me in the back of their, unmarked car.

They took me to a place called the Wagner Building, which is a federal building, and and I got booked for the first time. Sideway picture. I can do fingerprints pretty good. You know, I got that down. And, my parents pretty much ex communicated me from the family.

If you're a Catholic, you know what that means. That means just go, don't come back, ever. You know? There's like not even like a small window open. It's just like goodbye.

And and trust me, that wasn't a lot of things had happened up to that point. A lot of, you know, with my alcohol, drinking and thinking and talking and acting all the way through high school, where this was just finally the the ice you know, the tip of the iceberg. And they just, you know, I tried to call home and there was clicks. There was like there was no, like, love there. It was like that tough love Al Anon stuff.

You know what I mean? And they just gave me, ton I joke, and they just gave me tough love. It was great because it got me sober eventually but so anyway now I I got sent away. A federal deposit you don't take money from a federal depository for any amount of time and then just get a slap on the wrist. They just can't do that.

Yeah. I got sent away. I got it I got sent away for a year to a penal institution. And, I'm here to tell you that, there were many sleepless nights. You know, it says in the big book, we share in a general way what it used to be like, so that's all you're getting.

But the point is is that it was horrible. It was horrific. Every minute of doing it a year in this joint, was ab and I'm in there with kids that would that have been in reform schools. You know what I mean? I was in there with real tough guys that talked to talk, had the cigarette hanging on their mouth, and the tattoos, and the, you know, and the drawers, and the muscle man t shirts, those those shower shoes playing spades, and I'm, you know, I'm a Catholic kid that has a problem with drinking.

You know, that's as far as I was concerned. You know what I mean? And, and then I've if I told them I robbed the bank, they wouldn't believe me. You know? So I mean, it was a horrible year.

It was abs and it was the truth, but it was a horrible, horrible year. Many a night I did that presence in the alcohol prayer. Oh dear father, please, please get me out of this one. I'll never do it again. Ever.

Ever. Ever. Oh, I swear to you, please don't let Carlos see me tomorrow going to jail, you know, don't let Reggie, you know, look at me the way he's been looking at me, and that crazy Italian dog. Come on, man. And I just hated life.

It was horrible. It was horrible. I'm not gonna kid you. And, I got out, and the first night I drank. You see?

And that's just it. That's a I'm an alcoholic. I I, you know, I, an alcoholic has, you know, no mental defense at certain times against the against the first drink. I didn't have no mental defense. I couldn't up here, you know, I can't act my, you know, I can't think my way into right acting.

I hear it a lot from speakers and it's so true. But I gotta act my way into right thinking. Somehow me coming up here tonight driving a couple miles dedicating a little bit of my time here and then finally driving home and listening to some nice CDs, thank you Mike, of AA, somehow my day tomorrow is gonna be awesome. If I had said no when I got asked to do this on Friday afternoon, I bet you tonight I I I or tomorrow I wouldn't have felt as good as I wanna feel now because I'm acting my way in the right thinking. Because my my thinking was so off.

Anyway, I started going in and out of, in and out of jails. I started going in and out of rehabs. I started living on the streets. I started, I used to take I used to take money from cars. Alright?

Then I started sleeping in the cars. Then I just started taking a hold on car. You know what I mean? Like, this is the way my progression went. I started just doing things that were horrible.

Start, you know, taking little things when the store was open. Learning how to to hide in the store. You know, I don't wanna give you any good hints of things to do if you're gonna go back out. But I'll tell you what, man. I I used to I used to rob stores, man, by just sleeping in them and then waking up and realizing wow where'd they all go?

And I might as well take some things with me then you know and anyway it was horrible it was I got caught at everything I did I didn't have to worry about when I got to AA, if the cut, you know, I got caught. I I did all my time. I did it and and did it's whatever. Point is is that my life was horrible. I missed my parents.

I missed my little sister, who was 4 years my junior. But guess what? Alcohol was too important. It says in the big book, he says, it says, Remember that we you know sometimes, I mean I hear a lot of neat things in Alcoholics Anonymous, And a lot of them I I have to really break down and and and and ask myself, why is the speaker or the person that's sharing saying this? One of the things I hear a lot from people with time is, you know, it's not about the drinking no more.

Okay? It's about living and all this. And I I know that all sounds good, but I know when there's a newcomer in the room, remember to what what the what how it works says. And how it works says, remember we that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, and powerful. And I got 20 years of sobriety, and for me, it still is about the drinking.

Now if I ever think it's not about the drinking, then I better, I'm gonna forget where I came from because I'm gonna go meet Reggie and Carlos and and Vinny again. I will. I will. I'm telling you, there's a there's a pen there's a there's a cell in Greaterford Penitentiary waiting for me. And I know that with all my heart and soul.

I I don't I don't got this thing licked yet, and I hope I never do. My sponsor told me I'll be on good spiritual ground when I'm 6 feet under, you know? It takes all the fun out of that little part in the big book. But anyway, so so that was my life. Gotta get my little part to the basket.

That was my life. Just one jail after another, one prison after another, living on the streets, gospel missions. I know what that's like. Salvation armies? I can sing some songs today because of Salvation Army.

Alright. I'll do whatever it takes to get a meal. Alright. I was good at hide hiding booze. You know, bottles of booze and drink I'm a kid too.

I'm 20 years old. I'm 21 years old, and I'm going to these places. I'm with 15, 16, 70 year old men. I really am. Weightward women.

Whatever. Fallen women. As Bill says, I love that. But, and I'm with and it's just a horrible way to live. But guess what?

You couldn't tell me at the time that I wasn't having a great time. You see that illusion that the big book talks about, that that delusion that I lived in. You know, I just always thought that I was okay. You know, if I got like some people, like when they if somebody was like me, and they got that urine in in in in in a prison at 18 years old, they'd probably not drink anymore. But see that would be a nonalcoholic as far as I'm concerned.

You see perhaps if some, like their girlfriend breaking up with them after 4 years, I guarantee a non alcoholic would go to her and probably, or him and say, I see where I've been wrong I'm not gonna drink this week. See that never even came into my mind all I thought about was isn't this horrible? She she I I I never considered not drinking. I never considered stopping drinking. Does that make any sense here?

I just didn't. Thats why so many of us are so upset when we get here. And we get told just gotta just don't pick up the first drink. It's like oh come on I know it's more than that. I mean just don't drink that's all well there's a few more things and we'll get with you with them as it goes on but just for the day until tomorrow night till the meet in the morning noon and in fact I'll pick you up, don't drink them till then.

Like alright. And that's all it is man, you know, getting that stuff out of our system. You know? And then we gotta start, obviously, putting some new stuff in, and that comes with time if we have good sponsors. But anyway, my last drunk.

I'm in a I'm in a Exton, Pennsylvania. Okay? I'm at the Exton Square Mall. Okay? Does anybody know where that is?

In Exton, Pennsylvania. Well, it doesn't matter. I'm there, and there's a Hickory Farms, and I'm hungry. Okay? And of course, I only got money for booze.

So I go in there, and I proceeded to put a thing of, you know, those round things of salami and cheese? I put them down my pants. I have an army coat on, so I got the I've never been in the army because they wouldn't take me, but I got I got juicy juices in my pockets. And I'm getting ready to go out and the let and I'm I'm alcohol, but I'm sober at this moment. And the last thing I remember is like an £85 cute little blonde with blue eyes flying through the air.

Okay? And she tackled me. I swear she played football to this day. Right? She and then she held me down till the police got there.

That was so humiliating. And and I'll tell you what, I remember getting led through the mall, you know, as a drunk, you know, by these, you know, the the mall police. You know what those guys look like. It's horrible, man. You come in incomprehensible demoralization.

It was horrible. On a Sunday, there's families there. Enjoy and you and I am going through the mall. These 2 cops are so excited. They got one, you know.

And then and then the mall then the mall police, the real police from Exton came and they locked me up. And I'll have you know, this is wild, I got 1 to 2 years. It's actually called 11 half to 23 months in Chester County Farm's prison for stealing salami and cheese. Sounds like a lot of time. I wasn't too happy with that.

You know? But the reality of it is, there's not, like, you can't barter. I I'm a salesman. You can't barter with a judge. And and I'm thinking, well, here's the problem.

When I was out there drinking, and I went to court, right, for something, if they, like, let me go and I had to pay, like, some court costs and I was lucky enough to have that or something, and they would give me a court date, like yeah. I didn't have a day timer. You know what I mean? So I never showed up for court dates. I was just, like, so grateful that I wasn't going to jail that I'd say, okay.

I'll see you next month, sir. Yeah. Right. And, and then when I would get locked up for, like, the salami and cheese, all the other stuff that I had done that, you know, would would catch up to me and detainers, if anybody knows what that is, and all that, would just get lodged against me. You know, go to jail.

Don't pass code. Do not collect 200 dollars and we'll see you in a in a in a year and a half. Well, I was never gonna do this year and a half. I did go to Chester County in front of the prison. I did get booked in.

I did make it to population, and I did spend a little bit of time there, and then I did get in a fight. After getting in a fight in Chester County Farms Prison, I ended up on maximum security. You go to a hearing when you're inside a prison, if you get in any trouble. You get a hearing, administrative hearing, and then they put you away because you're like a problem. The last thing they need in the prison is problem people.

And people are unhappy as it is. They want people like me, away. And so they put me up on maximum security, gave me my own cell, brought my food to me. It was like being in a suite in a hotel. I thought, oh, this is better anyway.

Whatever. So they would bring I had my own yard with a little basketball court. I'll never forget it. I thought it was great. The problem with this point is, it says in the first step that our that we warped our minds into such a degree of destructive drinking, You know, obstructive drinking.

My mind was warped at this point. Okay? It was just warped. It was really warped. I'm 22 years old now.

And again, from the time I was 17 when I got out of high school to 22, all I'm doing is drinking and getting in trouble. Drinking, getting in trouble. You know? Institutionalized all the medications they make. I've tried.

I've tried every one of them, you know, because they gave them to me. I'll take them. Sure. You know? Tell tell the prison counselor I'm, you know, I'm scared.

I can't sleep at night. My my neck hurts. Whatever. Give me something to get me out of my head so I know what all that stuff does to your head. It just gives you a buzz like alcohol as far as I was concerned.

I'll never really drug addict, but I did anything I could to get that feeling. So anyway, I started singing in this prison. I would I I like to sing between 1 and 6 in the morning, you know, at the top of my lungs. Now prisoners are doing time. They wanna just do their time peacefully and get out.

You know what I mean? They don't need a jitterbug like me going crazy. So I didn't make friends, at all. And then I couldn't really get them they couldn't get to me because I was segregated in my own little cell. And so I then I would antagonize the correction officers.

Yeah. And it was just a horrible it was like really horrible. I sometimes I wonder what was but it was alcohol. It was just, you know, that just what I did. I saturated myself with this poison.

You know, that these spirits that they call for a long, long time. And it just took me to places that I I just can't believe I've been, but I've been there. One day, Saturday afternoon, I hear all this pitter patter coming up the tier, coming up the tier. And I put my mirror, if anybody's already been in the jug, put my mirror outside to to sing. I'm looking down and boy, God is 4 or 5 guys and they're they got the masks on and all that and they're coming down and they stop right in front of my cell.

And at that point, did you ever see, Angels with Dirty Faces with Jimmy Cagney? Some of the older folks here. Remember that Angel with Dirty Faces? Well, Jimmy Cagney in this movie, I'll bring it to it just for a second. Jimmy Cagney got sent to the gallows.