Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to introduce introduce our guest speaker, for tonight. It's Dave. Hi. My name is Dave. I'm alcoholic.

I'll fix the microphone. I'll start, where I started drinking. I started drinking when I was 13 years old. My progression moved rather quickly. By the time I was 14, I was in my first rehab.

It was a 28 day program at Carrier. I'd only been drinking 9 or 10 months at that point. And, it did include I am gonna steal this from someone here. Non conference approved substances at that age because alcohol was actually harder to get. At that age, I I found myself using more than my friends.

I found myself wanting to escape on a daily basis, and, my parents would recognize that. And, my mother being in the field she is, she's a learning disability specialist. She special ed teacher as well. She, she she quickly, saw that there was a problem with with my behavior that I didn't see at all. You know, I thought there was absolutely no problem with, drinking and or using on a daily basis at that age.

I left the carrier clinic and within a week or 2, I went to a couple meetings. But within a week or 2, I I was back full bore. I, had found a a good source for alcohol. I was working with an older guy. I had a part time job.

At 5th I was about 15 now. I had a part time job at a florist. And, he used to supply me with alcohol and, other non conference proof substances, which are a large part of my story until I get a little older. But alcohol really, really became, very prevalent. It it was kind of a double edged sword with the alcohol because my father is a recovering alcoholic.

And, through my childhood, I always said I I refuse to be an alcoholic. I refuse to, you know, fall prey to alcohol. And what I did was I I went with other things, and, they eventually always led back to alcohol, but it it was a it was a really strong stand I tried to take against alcohol. And, you know, I refused to drink alcoholically. I I refused to allow myself to, even enjoy the comforts of alcohol for a while, and which I I found quite nice after some time.

I wasn't supposed to be funny. When I was, 15, I went to, my second rehab. It was out in Pennsylvania. My, my mom thought, oh, he likes the woods. He likes camping.

Let let's send him to White Deer Run out in, Pennsylvania. They had a a rock climbing wall there. It was more a summer camp than anything. And by that point, I realized that more than get anything out of rehab, I like to flirt with women in rehab because they were as sick as I was, and they were attracted to my sickness for some reason. And every time I went to rehab, I ended up with some sick girl that we'd used together afterward, and it just got worse.

When I was, 16, I went to my 3rd rehab, and it was just a whole nice little series there. I, I got out of that rehab, and I realized that I had to change something because I had already been, arrested a couple times. I, I had been kicked out of my house and, I I kinda wanted speak on getting kicked out of my house. Patty, you really rung a bell in my head. When I when I was using and drinking in my house, my my parents laid on the line.

They'd say, look, you need to, either, you know, stop your behaviors or get out. And I was, like, I'll leave. You know, who cares if I have to sleep under a bridge? I can get screwed up. I had I had no consideration for living in a house with a bed, a sink, and toilet.

I'd much rather poop 10 feet away from where I'm sleeping in the bushes and be able to get high and drunk, and I I was much happier. It it was, it was the sickness of that only became clear to me a lot later. But for years, you know, I'd move back home, you know, I'm not gonna do anything. I'll stay sober, blah, blah, blah. And within a month or 2, you know, I was sneaking it.

And then couple months later, 6 months, a year, whatever the case may be, I was out on the street again and, you know, no place to live. Lived in my car when I was a little older, whatever the situation. And I would rather be living in my car and drunk than living in a house and sober. It was it was the pain was that great. I'm kinda gonna jump around a little bit, and I hope it doesn't seem too schizophrenic, but it probably will.

When I was very young, I, I can remember feeling like I wanted to escape. I I can always remember that feeling. I used to get very involved in imagination as a little kid, and, I I think a lot of alcoholics experienced that when they were younger. I used to I used to fib a lot when I was a kid. I used to fib even more when I was older.

But when I was a kid, I was always making up these crazy scenarios in my head, and that would allow me to get out of myself for just a little while to to alleviate the pain of being me, which is I think, you know, looking back on it, why I I did what I did, you know, why I used alcohol and drugs the way I did. And growing up, I I can actually remember my mom saying this. She's like, I go to work all day, and I help these kids, but I can't do anything for you. And, and I I didn't it didn't click for a long, long time that I had to help myself, you know, that I wasn't gonna get help from an external source. I wasn't gonna be able to turn, you know, do, you know, learn this thing and then be better.

I wasn't gonna be able to go learn about alcoholism or about myself or about depression or whatever the case may be. And I was on, you know, many different medications as a kid. I I can remember one time I I used to steal my parents' cars when I was about 15 and, you know, my father would leave for work before I went to school and I without a license, no insurance, nothing. I get into his other car, drive it to drive it to school. You know, I was the man driving up to high school at 15 years old in my, my father's car.

One day, I'm I had no idea how to drive a stick shift at all. And, one day on the way to school, I I rear ended someone. And, I get to school and I decided to cut school that day. So I went for a drive around, figured out, you know, it was I was it was done 5 o'clock when he came home. So, I just, you know, partied up that day.

Bought a half gallon of Jack Daniel's and a bottle of sleeping pills. And went back to my house and I proceeded to drink the Jack Daniel's and take the sleeping pills. My thought was, if I die, then I die. But if I don't, I wanna know how much I drank to know if I'm alcoholic. Yeah.

It was kind of weird. I still think it's kind of weird. It was it was very, very sick thinking. And, what actually happened was my father came home in the nick of time, I was petting an imaginary cat, and then I woke up in the hospital 3 days, 3 days later. And, I can remember peeking up charcoal.

That was a very pleasant experience. And as soon as it was over, I wanted to do it again. I wanted to keep drinking. It it it was craziness. When I was 16, like I was saying before, I I I got into the rooms for a little while.

I was in the rooms for about 9 months. That stint, was about 9 years ago, when I first started coming around AA seriously. I found a sponsor. I I started to pretend to work the steps, I I like to say, because I do the 1, 2, 3 relapse gig all the time. That that was that was a a common reoccurrence for me.

The personal inventory was just way too out there for me, and I I don't know if I was in enough pain yet or if I just wasn't old enough and mature enough to understand exactly what it was. But, I can remember being told I asked 1 guy to sponsor me before I had found my sponsor at that time, and, he told me that I was too young to sponsor and I had to go do more, more drinking before he could sponsor me. It was, it was good stuff. When I, when I did, come to AA for those 9 months, I I, you know, I had my I I was so proud of myself. I was sober for, you know, a little period of time and I felt like I got all better.

And, after, you know, a period of time, I I went out and partied with some friends. I can actually remember when I relapsed that time. I was in New York City, and, we bought beer illegally in a corner store, a bodega, and, proceeded to be the only one that passed out in his own puke that that night out of my friends. And, it didn't ring any bells. I didn't think anything weird about it.

I didn't, you know, I was, oh, I just drank too much that night. It'll be okay. I landed back in AA about a year later after I was 17 and change. And, this is actually Mike's favorite part. I was asked to speak and, about 9 or 10 months sober, And I sat down with my big book in this beautiful dusty church that's in Rocky Hill, still a meeting that goes there.

And the interesting part about that meeting, actually, is I went there as a very young kid with my father. He used to take me to that meeting when I was 4 or 5 years old. And I can remember, you know, hoarding all the cookies and drinking the milk when I was a kid and then coming back there once I was in the program was pretty interesting for me. But I I sat down with my big book. I opened it up, and I don't think I had worked a single step yet.

And I proceeded to share on all 12 steps. And, I went through each one in great detail, explaining to everyone in the room what they should do to stay sober. And it didn't didn't really do much for anyone. I think I think it was a waste of time, but what what it did teach me is how how crazy I was. Because I really thought that I I I could jive on experiences I hadn't had yet.

I I I really thought that at that time. It was, oh, it was great. I spoke, like, an hour and 10 minutes in an hour meeting. It was excellent. And, I I can actually remember reading my big book while while I was speaking.

I paused for a few minutes, read it. Oh, and this is this is the 5th step. I actually learned some stuff about the steps when I did that. So so may maybe there was maybe there was something in that, in me doing that, but, I did not stay sober that time in AA. I, I relapsed again.

I cannot even remember where, when, or how, or why. But I I I did manage to graduate high school by the skin of my teeth. I, it it took a meeting between my mother, father, and the, the principal to, get me my diploma on time. And, I did get it. And I ended up going to community college for a year, where I actually, I don't know how, but I I calmed down with, the drinking for a while.

And I did pretty well in college. I ended up, getting accepted to a few universities, and I moved out to Oregon to go to Southern Oregon University. And, out there, I really had no holds barred. I was 32 100 miles away from my family and friends. I didn't know anyone.

And, I got there, and it was just instant go. Instant races. And, I was going to a university where it's it's rated, like, 10th party school in the country, something like that, and, it's kind of expected. So I I can, I was actually drinking my Snapple bottle before, and I was, like, I used to put liquor in these, and, I used to take them to class, and I used to get drunk in class? And, and then I wondered why I got a c in art history, or I'd wonder why I didn't do so well in that class.

Oh, because 8 o'clock at night, and you were drunk every night. Or I wouldn't show up for class. That that was a good one too. I wouldn't show up show up for the test, expect to pass. It it it didn't work, and I could never understand why it wasn't working.

I can never understand why my my professors just, you know, wouldn't just give me the grades because I was passing the test. I was reading the material. I was just never in class except 1, you know, 2 classes out of semester. I actually, I did kind of graduate college. I'm still 6 credits shy, but I do have my, my degree in a political science useless degree.

It is, absolutely useless. What I did was, I I used so much to college that, despite being perfectly capable of taking these class and passing them, I was so focused on getting intoxicated that I I I couldn't focus on anything else. I was actually, was living in a a beautiful house at one point with, 3 other roommates. We're all students. Pool, hot tub, sauna, 15 minutes from a ski hill.

And I used so much that and and these guys were not mellow guys. I was using so much in the house that I I was asked to leave, and I couldn't understand it. And, I said, well, you have to at least give me 60 days. I have a dog. You know, I I couldn't understand why they would say, you know, you have 30 days to leave the house.

So I got my own place. Now that was a real bad move for me because I ended up sitting at home and just just getting wrecked, every day, every night. I was actually engaged at the time, and, I was kinda living with her, but I was kind of afraid to fully commit to living with her. So, you know, I kept the own place. And as I started using more and more and more, I I started living on my own more and more and more.

You know, I'd be around her less, so I could get high more. And I I can never understand why I didn't wanna be around her, and then I I said, oh, she'll yell at me if I'm around her when I'm this this messed up. But, yeah, it it didn't jive in my head. I I didn't quite understand why I was acting the way I was acting, but I couldn't do anything to change it. And, it it was it was almost scary for for a while.

And then, my fiance got sick. She got, something called Guillain Barre syndrome, which is a it's a, like, a 9 month debilitating condition. You do recover from it, but it's a nervous system disorder that 1 in a 100000 people get. And she moved to LA to stay with her parents while she was sick, and it was just, oh, that you opened the floodgates. You know, I had absolutely no no controls on me anymore whatsoever when she moved out of town.

And, I've actually spoken to quite a few of the people that I lived with. It was a very small town in Oregon. I've spoken to quite a few people I was friends with while I was there. And, my one friend, Seth, he's actually said to me, he's like, you know, I loved you when you came. I loved you for the first couple years you lived there, but after a while, I couldn't stand being around you.

And, you know, now we're good friends again. And it's it's very interesting for me to reflect on that because I didn't see any difference in myself whatsoever, at all. I didn't see that when I went to the bar and embarrassed myself and the people I was with. I didn't see that when I did do drugs, the it was never ending. It was a 2 week long situation.

It was not a a one time thing that I intended it to be when I started. And that's where what I think really differentiates an alcoholic from someone who drinks heavily is that you intend to do a certain way or you don't know exactly what's gonna happen once you start. And, it really, it was really kinda scary, actually. I was I was afraid to drink after a while. I was afraid to go to the bars because I would intend to have couple gin and tonics, and I end up there till 3 in the morning, have to be at work at 7 in the morning.

And I'd show up at work still drunk. And at the time, I was blowing glass and a 4000 degree torch and drunkenness don't mix, at all. I the scars to prove it too. It I can actually, remember getting, made fun of actually by one of my coworkers because he knew I was on something, but he didn't know what. He knew I was doing something very heavily, but he he wasn't quite sure what.

And, I can remember him, you know, kinda joshing me for, for being out of control. And, and this is a guy who sold pounds of marijuana and drank on daily basis. And and I was getting, you know, judged by him. And I said, how dare he? You know, you know, the gall of that guy.

And, I wanted to kick his ass. I did, and, I ended up leaving that, leaving the job I had and started my own business. And, it it just seemed with each step of freedom I took, which actually felt like I was growing up, it it was like a step backward in the using department. I I ended up falling further and further into fear, depression, anger, the the whole deal. With each step that I took forward or it felt like taking forward, I would take 3 steps back, not just 2.

And, it, I got sober again when I was probably 20 and change. And I stayed sober for a couple of years, but I didn't do any work. I I I just kinda held the bar real tight. And, it was while I was out west, and, it was miserable. Absolutely.

I tried Prozac. I tried Wellbutrin. I tried all these different medication to fix me. I thought that, that was what I needed to alleviate the pain and misery I was in because I I couldn't understand it. I was like, I'm a happy guy.

You know, I wasn't raised in a bad home. You know, my dad quit drinking when I was 2. I couldn't blame it on that. I would have loved to. If my dad had drank till I was 5 or 6, I could've blamed it all on him, and it would have been a perfect out, but I couldn't.

I tried to blame my mom. You know, she was pretty good. My stepfather, hardworking guy from Brooklyn, I couldn't blame it on him. Tried to blame it on my sisters. Nope.

Nothing there. My grandma became a scapegoat for a little bit of it. I was, like, oh, she was an enabler, you know. She wasn't she was giving me a place to stay when I needed it, or, you know, always hook me up with an extra $100 if I needed it. That didn't fly too far either, even in my sick, depraved, manipulative mind.

She, and, I lost my train of thought. But, any anyway, I ended up, using it again while I was out west. I was, I I thought it was okay to use if I had a marijuana prescription, and that led me right back to alcohol. With the marijuana prescription, I was like, oh, it's legal. It's okay.

And, that that just let me right back into the depravity and, the insanity, of using every day. And, I developed a bad enough habit that I was actually afraid to be in the town I was in anymore. And, it was time to move back East Coast because I had family here. My mother actually came to visit me right before I moved back, and I have pictures of it. And, I recently showed those pictures to my girlfriend, and she was almost in tears.

And I I don't I don't see any, you know, for a long time, I didn't look at them. I didn't see any difference between myself then and now. And just I think it was yesterday, I looked at him again, and it's it's just insane how sick I looked. And my face was drawn, my eyes were sunken, and I thought I was healthy, and I thought I was doing great. I had just climbed the 13,000 foot peak a month before that, but it it was the drugs and alcohol that were just tearing the life out of me.

Well, I came back to New Jersey and, oh, through this whole thing, I had been to jail a few times over numerous arrests. I didn't really elaborate on those. I skipped a couple of things too, but nothing real important. I, I this one arrest is really important though. It's coming up.

So I came back to New Jersey and, again, I'm it was a non conference approved substance that got me into AA this time. So it was, I I was arrested in Elizabeth, New Jersey with, 65 bags of heroin, about a year ago. And, it it's not, it's not cool to get arrested in Elizabeth for 65 bed it's not cool to get arrested anywhere with that, but, in Elizabeth particular, because it's Union County, and they're very tough. And I was actually sentenced to originally, I was sentenced to 12 years in prison, and obviously, I'm not prison. I, I managed to get bailed out by manipulating my way into that one.

Buddies of mine that had owed me money over the years, called in favors and debts and threatened people and did whatever I had to do to get out. And I got out and I hired a lawyer. And my sentence actually ended up being, a year and a halfway house, which I'm actually done with 6 months later, which is kinda interesting. And, graduated from and out, on all good terms. But, it it was a very good thing.

I I went to the the Flint House in Elizabeth. I know a couple of guys in here have been there. And, it was a it was a very interesting place for me to really start working the steps. And, I met my sponsor in an interesting way, who's Jamieson right here. He said if I didn't mention him, I was in for an ass whooping after the meeting.

So there you go, Jameson. Alright. It's all your fault. I, I was in the Flynn house in, in Elizabeth, and, it was it was a great place when I first got there. I was like, oh, wow.

You know, I'm not in jail anymore. I did, I think, like, 4 or 5 months in jail and, a jail sanctioned rehab. Actually, in in the jail sanctioned rehab, I knew I had to change something, and I started running a big book meeting there every Tuesday. And I didn't know anything and, you know, I was I just knew some excerpts out of the big book from years around AA. And, I would sit down with these other bunch of sickos and and we'd read out of the big book, and we'd share how sick we were.

And then we'd laugh and make fun of each other and call it a meeting. So the surrender prayer at the beginning and Lord's prayer at the end. We all felt really good about it because we didn't have to go to the mandatory meetings at night, where outside speakers came in with a little bit of a message. So try to avoid that at all costs. We, when I when I got out of there, I went into this halfway house, and it was it was great at first.

So I was like, oh, you know, I'm working, you know, I'm able to drive, I'm out, you know, I don't have to be in jail anymore. And, I met Jamieson in an interesting way. I actually asked this guy, John, to sponsor me at a meeting in Elizabeth. I went to meetings there every day for 3, 4 weeks before I had heard anyone even mention the big book, which if anyone wants to go speak, speak in Elizabeth. They need big book speakers.

But, I asked John to sponsor me, and as it turned out, he was moving to New York City real soon. And with my living situation and his situation, it wasn't gonna work out. So I was turned on to Jamieson. It was actually your roommate, I think, at the time. Right?

And, Jamieson and I started talking on the phone, and, I met him. And, my powerlessness was, pretty obvious when we sat down to talk about it. I think we kinda even hit that on the phone. I, I knew I knew that once I used, I couldn't stop, and I knew once I couldn't stop, it got real bad. And, that was my first step was pretty easy because of my experience.

Not necessarily easy. It it was easy to recognize the powerlessness and the uncontrollability that I had. And the unmanageability of my life was glaring me in the face because I was in a halfway house having just gone out of jail. My 4th time in jail. And, you know, I'm 25 now.

It's just after I turned 24 then or 25 then. I'll be 26 in 3 weeks. But, it it it the unmanageability was, definitely glaring me in the face. And, the second step was a little tougher for me. It came to believe in a higher power.

I can remember, Jameson was he was like, just, you know, kinda meditate, pray on things, and I can remember saying to him, I feel like I'm praying to nothing. And, he said, well, good, because nothing's gonna run-in your life better than you were. And and it's one of my favorite things to say to new guys now. I love that. Well, he's right because, when when I when I had my will, I'd it was like it was like a jet airplane just aimed straight at the ground, and there there was no whims about it.

It was and I I was gonna crash and burn when I run on my wheel, and, that's the bottom line. And I went don't get me wrong. I love to take it back once in a while, more than once in a while. But, I I have I I'm conscious of that today. I'm not I'm not just flying blind.

And, so if I do end it up pointing right at the ground or at a mountain, I know what's going on, and I can kinda do something to correct that. My, my third step, we, we did it in, I think we did in your apartment in Jersey City. And, I'm not about the whole get on your knees thing. It's kinda weird for me. I was raised half Jewish, half Lutheran.

The whole conflict there kinda makes me feel uncomfortable about getting on my knees, so I do my prayer in other weird positions. But, Jamieson for my Carrie. I I I was told to get on my knees, and, Jamieson made me hold his hands, and, it made me even more uncomfortable. And, he put a big book out on the floor and pointed out the 3rd step prayer. And, right before we did it, he said, you know why I like to make new guys do it this way.

And I said, no. Why? And he said, because it makes them uncomfortable. And, it it was right. It took me right out of myself and, it it really really kinda showing me it was a decision I made.

It was a decision I made to stop the bullshit and stop, excuse me, stop running on my will and and start to run on something else as well. Regardless of what that may be at the time, it it was it was just start to run on something else as well, which is now my higher power, and I recognize that. But at the time, it was just kinda, like from my religious upbringing, I had, a definite idea of God as a big angry guy with a big white beard in the sky, and, and he was gonna punish me when I did wrong. And, that, that doesn't work for me today. That doesn't work for me today at all.

What works for me today is, the idea of of a loving higher power, a lot more spiritual aspect of it rather than religious. Because still now, I I don't I don't particularly jive on religion. I I don't think it's, you know, serious religion. I I I don't jive on a lot of the ways that God has presented in those religions. Some of them I do agree with, but most of them I don't.

So I had to come up with my own concept that's completely original through to work for me. And And, I'd imagine that just about everyone in the room had to do that. That's that's done a third step. It, it was quite enlightening to sit down and think about it and really really evaluate. And, it was kinda neat because I kinda got to decide what I wanted my higher power to be.

I kinda got to, like, just kinda formulate it in my head and go, well, that that sounds kinda good. You know, I'll I'll go with that. And, and I did, and it's it's working so far, so I'm not gonna stop. When I started my 4th step, I, I did it straight out of the big book, traditional style, 4 columns. And, the first column was a blast.

I loved it. I wrote down all the people I was pissed at. It was great. It's like I'm pissed at him. I walked around with a pad for a couple weeks.

A couple weeks. Right? And, I had 85 resentments, something like that. It was some good stuff. And, my second column, I was blessed too.

I loved it. I was, like because I got to rehash all the resentments that I went through the first time when I wrote their names. I got to, oh, I'm pissed at him because of this. I wrote it all down, and I was like, yeah. And it was filled with anger and rage.

It was great. In the 3rd column, that got a little weird, you know, because I started to look at what it affected in me. And, I wasn't too down with that, because it was all their fault. It had nothing to do with me at all. I was angry at this guy from when I was 5 years old because he stole my GI Joe, and damn it.

It was all his fault. It had nothing to do with me. And, my 3rd column was, I did the extended 3rd column for my 4th step where I, I I actually wrote out exactly what it affected me and why. And, my either my self esteem or my personal relations, sex relations, pride. And, once I started to really look at myself, I'd cease being fun and started being healthy.

And, that was that was a good step to take in the 4th step. And the 4th column was where I really started to work, when when I really looked at where now, I can actually remember, sitting in the car with someone in AA and they asked me I was just in between my 3rd 4th call and they asked me if I had any personal defects and I said, of course not. And, he goes, wait a week. You'll have a couple. And, I got to my 4th column, and, I realized I did have a few.

It was a real bummer for me because, you know, I was flying high. And, I went through my my 4th column, and, it really is neat how that exercise alleviates resentment. And, I actually just took a guy I'll get to the 12 step later, but there there's a guy that I I know who's, working on his 4 step. He's on the 2nd column, and, he was talking to me about how much he hates this person for whatever reason. I can't remember why.

And I sat down with him, and I went through the 4 columns with him. And at the end of it, he just had kinda had this relaxed look on his face, and it was really I was, like, that worked for you, And he was, like, yeah. It's amazing. I'm gonna go do it all right now. And he has, like, a 100 plus resentments on his list.

And I I was, like, you know, calm down. Talk to your sponsor about it. But it it was really neat, just to see it work in someone else. Having known that it worked in me, I thought, of course, being an alcoholic, I was, like, oh, it only works for me, no one else. You know, because that's how our minds work.

But, seeing it work in him, it was really neat. It it was, I think it was better for me than it was for him actually, you know, in that, in that aspect. When I got to my 5th step or when I was finished with my 4th step, we did my 5th step. I, went to Central Park, sat on a blanket, and went through the the whole shebang. All 85 resentments, I think, like, 4 fears, and uneventful sex inventory.

We we've heard that at this podium before. You want me to? Alright. There were lots of women that that I that I was pissed at myself for not being more assertive with my selfishness with. Okay?

No problem, Mike. Well, I went I went through every I went through everything with my sponsor, and, I can remember a few distinct things that day. Actually, I forgot to even go over fears and sex. We did it fears inventory in 4 columns, and then, a sex inventory where I listed everyone I had, been involved with either wanting to be involved with, not involved with, you know, whatever the case may be. Wrote it all down, wrote where I had possibly wronged them, and the whole shebang.

But, I went through it with my sponsor, and, I can remember when I was done, I I told my deepest, darkest secret to someone for the first time. And, he goes, that's it? And I said, yeah. And he's like, he goes, I I have a year year plus sober, and you're where I or and, you're you're just starting out, and you're as healthy as I am right now. Well, and then we, we went to a diner and, I was asked if, I was lying about anything.

And I said, no. What, you know, why would I lie about this? And he said, well, you're alcoholic. We all lie. I said, yeah.

You know, you're right. And then he goes, you look like you're lying. And I said, well, I'm not lying. And, you know, I had to think for a minute, sat back. I was, like, no, no, there's nothing.

And he's, like, remember, when you do this to a new guy, you have to ask him that at the end because because otherwise, they'll pull a fast one on you. Well, immediately after we did my 5th, we did, we went over 6 and 7. And for that moment, I'd say I was willing to have God remove my defects of character, but, I've definitely snatched it back a few times. I still like to. Like, actually, consciously, sometimes, I'll be at work or something like that, and I'll find myself being selfish you know, whatever the case may be.

And I'll intentionally not pray about something. I'll I'll, I'll refuse to, you know, meditate on it or or think about it because I wanna hold on to it because I'm enjoying it at that moment. And, it's strange with me, I wanna hold on to it because I'm enjoying it at that moment. And, it's strange with me, things have to get painful before I really wanna move on them. I think that's the case with a lot of alcoholics.

For my, my 8th step, I, I kinda did it not not exactly as I should've, I guess. I I made a list of all the easy amends I had. And, and I had to I had to go back and revise that after a couple weeks. But, I I I've started my amends. There's some interesting stories from those.

My first amends was to my mother. It was, I was actually very fearful to make amends to her, and I don't understand why. Because my mother is a caring, loving woman that really held nothing against me. She, you know, she was married to an alcoholic for 10 years who is now sober 23 years. She understands that it's a disease.

She understands that I suffer from it. She understands all these things, and I was still fearful to approach her on it. And, I I approached her. We went out to dinner and, sat we sat in her car somewhere, I think, in the parking lot of a mall. And, I made my minister, you know, I apologized for what I thought I had done.

I asked if there were any harms I had done that I didn't realize. And there were some serious stuff that I had never even considered that that I that I had done. Stuff that I I I just totally blew off when I when I made the list of things that I had done to harm her. And, it was it was amazing to me that, I had affected my sisters and stepfather that much. Because I can actually remember when I was a kid, like, 15, 16 years old, I was I always felt I and I I really do believe that it's that was my alcoholism making me feel that way.

I was said I kinda felt like I was sticking out from the family, you know, like, I I was never actually a part of my family. And through that, I don't know whether I was rationalizing or what the case is, but through that I always felt that what I did didn't affect them, didn't affect my sisters, didn't affect my stepfather, didn't affect my father. And truly, today, I I think the only person that was least affected by it was my father because being around AA, he was able to look at me and say, you know, there's nothing I can do to change what he's doing, and, he's to run his course. God help him if he dies, but, you know, if not, you know, I I could, you you know, then then we could have a relationship. But he knew that, while I was off and running that it just wasn't gonna happen.

It wasn't gonna be healthy. It wasn't gonna be good because I was gonna lie, cheat, steal, and be real selfish. I actually joke around a lot. Today, I I call myself a professional selfish person, and, it's, it's true. You know, I I have to it's amazing how selfish we can be.

It is as an alcoholic. It's don't even consider. You know, it doesn't even cross your mind. It's not like I always thought that being to be selfish, you had to really think on it. You had to be, oh, I'm gonna be selfish now.

I'm gonna only think about myself. It's phenomenal how I can go about my day and do my nightly review, not even realize that I was selfish, and 3 days later, realize that I was completely not considering someone else. Completely stepping on their toes, you know, not picking up their clues at all, you know, clues they were giving me when it was happening. It, it's amazing how my brain works or our brains work like that. It, it it just there's like a force field over it, and I and I can't see it.

I can't see it until after the fact. And that really sucks because, you know, it's a lot harder to make amends on stuff 3 days after the fact than right It's a lot harder, Oh, sorry I yelled, you know, or Sorry I did that. When you come back to someone 4 days later and say, Oh, remember that spaghetti lunch we had on Tuesday? You know, I was real selfish about, you know, where we're going to eat, or I lied to you about this, or whatever the case may be. It's, it's a lot tougher to do that a few days later, I'm finding.

My, second amends, I tried to make to my dad. And, those I was least fearful of, that was one of the least fearful amends I had to make. And, it's actually turned out to be the hardest because, he's he's in the program, and within 15 seconds of me sitting down to talk with him, he's, like, you're making amends to me, aren't you? And I said, yeah. Yeah.

That that that's what I'm doing. He's, like, well, I'm too damn tired right now. Let's do it another time. Yeah. He is he is a prick, sometimes.

Yes. I'll let him listen to it. I don't care. He, I've tried to make amends to him now 5 times. And, it's, every time it's, I'm too tired or this, that, or the other thing, and, I'm realizing that, I might be pushing too hard on that one.

And, he, he might not be ready to hear it, His life might be too crazy. But, I got some good advice from a friend the other day that said I should, just kinda sit him down for 30 seconds because that maybe what his attention span is right now. And say, I I I wanna make amends to you, you know, if if you're not ready to hear it, that's cool, you know, and just kinda be real. Tell them what my intentions are, be real honest with them, and, go from there. See what he says, you know, work on it like that.

I made amends to, a friend of mine, Leanne, and, I've been friends with her since I worked in that flower shop when I was 14. She's, she's about 15 years old, and we've always been real really just good friends. We used to play chess together, watch the Simpsons, and smoke weed together. I was in high school and stuff. She is, not one of us, but, very cool lady and, who I'm actually still friends with.

But, I had abused her trust very often in my, in my active days, asking her to cash checks from people I had stole them from. Just put her in very weird situations like that borrowed money, taking a long time to return it. But the the worst the worst thing I really did was, I was high around her kids, and, I was drunk around her kids, and I and I brought drugs and alcohol into her home with, and I don't just mean potting, you know, more intense drugs. Around now 15 to 13 year old, but was much younger. And, she found out about all this stuff when I was in jail the last time.