Tradition 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 at the CPH12 v2 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

I I wanna add a just a little bit to what Polly was just saying. Okay, you guys. Don't start with me. Somebody told me with this with this sweatshirt on, I look like a preacher up here. We I I just wanted to relate an actual experience.

Polly and I were were seeing a lady one time, and and we when we were on the fast track to the realized ultimate reality marriage that, and they told me that I needed to share all of my feelings and, you know, some things with Polly. And, we were on one particular, subject, and I didn't wanna share it. And, this is back when we weren't weren't where we are now, before we realized what Polly just said. But these these the the therapist was a lady, and she and Polly convinced me that it would be to my benefit, to Polly's benefit, and to the benefit of our marriage if I would share exactly how I felt about this particular subject. An old voice in me is screaming, don't do it.

But I let him talk me into it, and so I shared them. And it hurt Polly very badly. And what's the real problem is that it was only a temporary feeling. Not long after that, I didn't feel that way anymore. Polly forgave me for hurting her.

She'll never forget it. She will never, never, ever forget what I said. So you have to be careful because you can say things that will hurt people very badly and they may forgive you. I tell you, just never be able to forget it. Just never.

Okay. Tradition 2. Tradition 2 says, for our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God, as he may express himself in our group conscience. There are no people there are no people in Alcoholics Anonymous who govern. And that means nobody, but nobody is your boss in AA.

There's nobody in Alcoholics Anonymous that can tell you or me what we have to do. There is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself. You know, in all the time Polly and I have been together, 23 years over 23 years, never one time has God ever come down and whispered in my ear, hey, Dave. Here's what I want you to get Polly to do. I don't know how she gets how she gets the information.

Maybe he talks directly to her, but he doesn't seem to use me very often to get information to her. At least I don't feel that he does. And and who could have it any other way? You know? Who who would you want who in Alcoholics Anonymous or or which human in the world would you like to have in charge of you?

You know? Who had absolute authority over you to tell you what you could and couldn't do. We're not gonna put up with that. And when you really think about it, who would you like to have ultimate authority over? Who do you wanna boss around?

Who do you want to jump every time you say jump? You know, it sounds good for a while, you know, but I have a hard enough time being responsible for me. You know, I don't wanna be responsible for you. I don't wanna tell you what to do. That's fine for a couple of days, but come on.

You know? I don't have time to track you and keep up with you and, you know, and assess your behavior and, you know, see how you're doing this and how you're doing that. You know, I I don't have time to, you know, to sit there and and wonder how I'm gonna, you know, have time to, you know, to sit there and and wonder how I'm gonna you know, my mood has changed since I told you all that stuff yesterday, and now I want you to do it differently because I'm in a different mood today than I was. It's just crazy. You know?

It's just crazy. We neither want to be boss nor do we want to boss anybody around. So in our relationship and in all our relationships, not just Paul and I, but but in our all our relationships, god is the boss. K? God is the one authority, and, we have to learn how to put our egos aside and let god do what he does best, and that's guide his children through their lives.

Help his children then ask for his help. You know, god god gave us the greatest gift you could possibly imagine, and that is the gift of free will. God says, do you want me to stay out of your life? I'll stay out. No problem.

I I am at your disposal. It's It's your call. If you want my help, I'd love to give it to you. I enjoy you, and I'd like for you to join me. But you want me to stay out?

I'll do it. So if god is willing to give me free will, if god is willing to give you free will, who am I to try to take that away from you? It's not my gift to you. It's God's gift to you. Where on earth would I get the idea that I should take, in any way, take that away from you or my wife or anybody?

Sometimes you get into relationships and you find that one partner does try to be dominating. And sometimes the other side of that coin, the other partner, allows, even encourages the dominating. 1 partner tries to be because he has he has problems with selfishness and self centeredness, he thinks. And the other partner wants to be dominated because they they feel like, you know, if anything goes wrong, it's not my fault. You know?

But the truth is both problems are caused by the same thing, fear. Both problems are caused by fear. You're afraid. Okay? The person who likes to control other people is afraid that life, in some way or other reality, right where they want it.

And the person that likes to be dominated or allows themselves to be dominated is afraid to face life. Both both sides of the coin. It's the same problem. Fear. That's the biggest single problem we have in all kinds of things disguise themselves as fear and and all of all kinds of fear are disguised as other things.

A lot of times, we are angry. You know? I've known a lot of really, really tough guys in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, we're talking about hard time prison tough guys. And if you really get to know a lot of those guys, they'll tell you that the reason they went up and punched you in the face is because they were scared.

It's the only thing they need to do. It's the only thing they need to do. So fear disguised as a lot of things. So anyway, you know, the the thing we have to remember is that active participation in any kind of relationship by both parties is essential. You know, if both people aren't taking part And the thing is, it's not a relationship.

You know, you're not dealing with with people with whom you have a relationship. You're dealing with acquaintances. And, so no partner can assume the position of speaking for the other without first having consulted him or her. And another word for this, at the very least, is courtesy. You know, courtesy is a it is very, very important that I be courteous to you, not for your sake, for my sake.

You know, I need courtesy is being courteous to you is for my is for my sakes, for my well-being, not yours. You can say, see you. You know, if I treat you badly, where does that leave me? Sitting here alone, my behavior has caused me a lot of pain. You know, I I, I had to learn this the the hard way.

You know? I I am still growing a lot in this area. You know, as Polly was talking about, she would make a suggestion. And if I didn't like it, I'd count her suggest. But, you know, you get to be very subtle in these things and you just kinda slip one in when nobody's watching.

And, you know, I I have to really try to monitor myself and make sure I stop doing them. And when I catch myself doing it, to to just stop it. You know? Just stop it. I driving.

Especially on crowded freeways. You know? It is easy when somebody turns on a signal light to speed up so they can't get in. You know? This is my lane.

This is my lane. That's your lane over there. Stay in it. You know? So how do I deal with that?

I just make it a point. You know? It's like a commitment. If I see your single blinker come on, I slow down and let you in. I don't speed up so you can get in.

I slow down and let you in. And, just a little personal commitment. It helps me be courteous. You know, we don't, we don't always think God personally comes down and sorts out our arguments necessarily. You know, there there are times when Polly thinks I am dead wrong about something, and there are times when I'm convinced she is dead wrong about something.

And no matter what I do or say, she is not gonna see the error error of her ways. So what we, what we've learned to do is just say, you could be right, and drop it. You know? Leave it alone. Just say, you could be right.

There's another tool that we have, that we use a lot, and, it was given to us by a fellow named Albert Myers and then who has now, has died and gone to the big meeting in the sky. But you're not you're not gonna like this very much either, and that is, you simply say, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm sorry I was wrong. Please forgive me.

That go a long way sometimes, just to say I'm sorry. I was wrong. You know, I hope you forgive me. Please forgive me. So, our our checklist that we have for tradition 2 is number 1 the first one is do I insist on being the leader?

Do I feel like it is my place to govern or be the boss? Or do we strive for equity? And we strive for equity as much as possible. There's an idea that floats around sometimes that says marriage is a 50 general, is a 5050 proposition. Well, that's bull.

Okay? That's simply not true. You know, sometimes Polly is putting out 80%. She's carrying 80% of the load, and I'm carrying 20. But all I have is 20.

I'm putting everything I got out, but today I only have 20. And tomorrow, I'll have to carry 75, and she'll only have 25. So, you know, this this rigid delineation of of whose job it is to do what in 5050 and all that, I mean, that that's a nice thought, but it doesn't work. Do I try to speak for my mate without consulting her? No.

I don't. Not as a rule. Do I criticize my mate or do I trust her? I I trust Polly with my life. You know?

I I find that, if you if I am completely trustworthy myself, that removes the biggest single barrier there is to trust other people. By being trustworthy, it's easier to trust other people. And and I have to ask myself, am I absolutely trustworthy? How about me? Am I trustworthy?

What if I say this little prayer? God, grant me tomorrow. Treat me tomorrow. God, treat me tomorrow the way I treat others today. That make you nervous?

Terrific. Made my sphincter oscillate. Yeah. That's scary when you first hear that. It grows on you, though.

I highlight this one. God, help me not do anything today that I can't tell Polly about tonight. Is my ego so strong that I must have credit for more than I do? Am I so insecure that I always have to have praise? Somebody always has to notice my actions and give me praise for everything I do.

Do I expect that? Do I do I feel shortchanged if I don't get it? Do I feel resentful if you don't praise me because I did something like take out the trash? You know, taking out the trash to men is a chore. To women, it's an act of love.

Yeah. Just take out the trash sometimes without having to be yelled at. They love you for it. Do I do my share in our relationship? And is that my opinion, or is that Polly's?

If you wanna know if I do my share, don't ask me. I'm the wrong guy because you know what my answer's gonna be. Of course. If you wanna know if I do my share, you ask her. You're likely to get a more accurate answer.

Does the thought of God being in charge of our relationship cause me any discomfort, or do I like and rely on that idea? I love that idea. I like for my relationships to work really well. You know? And and and and I wanna say this, and then we're gonna close for lunch.

But take full advantage of your safest relationships to deal with some of your character defects. K? Take full advantage of that. You find the ones that are safe so that if you blunder, you don't ruin everything. You know?

You don't destroy the relationship. You know? Polly, says some things to me sometimes, and she told me one time, and, you know, and I I realized this when she told me. You know? She said, well, Dave, you know, I guess the reason I, I'm able to do that, and I don't remember if it was exactly what it was.

But she says, I guess the reason that I that I feel that I treat you that way sometimes is because you're is because I just can't help it, and you're my safest relationship. You know? I know that we are gonna be okay, and it's not something I would feel comfortable doing with other people. So if you need to practice a little bit, practice on your safest relationships. You know?

Take advantage of them. Because what you need to know what you need to know is that you were wrong. You know? If if you're a woman, go home tonight and get out your lipstick. And if you're a man, go home tonight and borrow your wife or your girlfriend's lipstick.

And right on your bathroom mirror, put your name. Dave, you are wrong. And just about everything your head tells you about you until you've been in this recovery program for some time, that'll be true. See, when you come here brand new with your problems, whatever it is, alcoholism or ism or drug addiction or anything. You have to know that those of us sitting here know more about you than you do.

It's true. All you know about you is what your head tells you about you. What we know about you is not only we know what your head is telling you, but we also know what's gonna happen to you if you can find it within yourself to keep faith with us. We know where you're going. You're gonna love it.

Let's break for lunch. Oh, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

We have pizza. Thank you. Excuse me. Thank you. Where does she at this?

It's your fault. I'm Polly, alcoholic. Hi. Good afternoon. Did everybody have a nice lunch?

Alright. As you can see, I just sit over there in a daze. You guys understand English. I don't have a clue about Danish. So I am, thank you.

I mean, I can't even believe you guys speak so many languages. It's unbelievable. We're gonna do tradition 3. It's where we're gonna pick up now. The only tradition 3.

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. And, this was not necessarily the case when we first came to the rooms when the fir the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous started in the early years. They used to if I know somebody came into the room, they still had a watch. They said, you're you know, you haven't drank enough. You need to go out.

And so it was not just enough to come in because you had a desire to stop drinking. And, today, nobody can throw you out of AA. Absolutely nobody. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. And I've heard a lot of young people who've come into the rooms, and so many of you qualify for that.

And I've heard them say in the past, you know, these old timers would say to me, well, you've I've spilled more booze than you drank. And, just, you know, words like that. And the the good news is is that, thank God, no one could throw them out of AA. So what happens in a relationship is the basic for a good relationship is a mutual desire to make it work. Now there are many reasons that people stay in a relationship other than a mutual desire.

There are many reasons that we stay in relationships that are not healthy for us, are not good for us, and one of those is financial security. A lot of times, especially women, and it's not always women, but it seems like it's mostly women, stay in relationships that can be very abusive and harmful because they're so afraid to not have the financial security that they have in the relationship. Emotional security. Some people stay in a relationship because they're terrified to be alone. They just absolutely can't fathom themselves being alone, and their self worth is so low that they're afraid if they're not in this relationship, nobody will have them.

Some people stay in a relationship because of children. They feel like they had they're trapped. They have to stay here because of children. Taking note taking into consideration, should this be an abusive relationship, that that's very harmful to children. Now I have sponsored women who have been in abusive relationships.

I mean, relationships that have been dangerous for them to be in. And their reason for staying there was, well, because of the children. And, you know, I'm and my my reaction to them is, well, what if he ends up killing you? And what does that do to the children? So there's a lot of things.

We we need to want to be in a relationship. And the same thing that happens on a job. A lot of times, there's all kinds of reasons we stay in abusive jobs with people who are because we are afraid, afraid that there's nothing else better for us, mostly because our self worth is so low. And sometimes, they'll say, well, it's not God's will that I leave. And I kinda, like, is it God's will to get killed here?

You know, that I don't think that's God's will. So what happens is is we need a mutual desire to be in a relationship. Now I'm not gonna say that you're always gonna desire to be in a relationship. I'm not talking about a relationship that, you know, all relation there's no perfect relationship. Okay?

No perfect relationship. And, I I like to Dave and I both like to say, I don't know of anybody who has a better relationship than we do. But I know lots of people who has, who have as good a relationship as we have. But we have a good relationship. But I can assure you, I don't always like him.

I mean, we were talking to Moss today on the way over that I've stopped calling him so many nasty names. I've gotten better about that. But I used to have a lot of names for him. We're on tape. But the but the ingredient is is I have a desire, and Dave has a desire to be in the relationship.

So what happens is is that when things are less than perfect, we are willing to take the actions to do whatever we can can in order to work through whatever problem we have. And what we do is we have lots of tools. I'm an AA and Al Anon. And Dave went to his first Al Anon meeting Tuesday night right here in Denmark. So that was great.

So that was a good thing. So we went, you know so the thing about it is is that we have a mutual desire for our relationship to work. So we put a lot of effort. We pick up the tools of the programs, and we work them. So let's see what some checklist the checklist for the 3rd tradition.

Do my actions say that I desire to be in this relationship? One of the things I'd like to say is, is that we're always talking about love. And I'm not sure alcoholics have a clue what the word love means. If you look love up in the diction in the dictionary, it talks that love is an action. If I love you, I show you and act like I love you.

It is not love to push somebody in the face and then say, but I love you. That's not love. That's abuse. So what happens is is that what we do is do my actions say that I love Dave? And one of the things that I think is wonderful about Dave and I is we've been here long enough, and we've had the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon long enough that our deal is we can't we just can't wait to do things for each other.

And what happens is is all my life, I've been waiting for you to do it for me. Now I am in I've come from the South in the United States, so I'm a southern girl. And, southern girls think men were put on earth to take care of women. And, see, my my description of happiness was money, men, and mansions. That was happiness.

I knew nothing about being able to be a participant, to give to the relationship. I knew nothing about those things. So what we've had to do is we learn what would you like, and what would you like. And we've tried to have that consideration for each other. And by doing that, our relationship has flourished.

So we love doing things for each other. So we put love, the action of love, into our relationship. Do I approach my marriage unselfishly, or do I depend on my mate to make me feel good? I used to need you to make me feel good. And how I how I felt, I thought, if you treated me really good, you gave me a lot of gifts, you did a lot of things for me, you loved me.

I was always needing you to give it to me. And what happened was is I still was never happy. I had no mutual desire. I was sitting there waiting to get. And in doing so, I never found any kind of happiness in my first marriage.

And it wasn't because of what he was doing. It was because of what I wasn't doing. He was trying desperately to make me happy. But see, when we have the disease of alcoholism, there is nothing anybody can do that's enough. There's no way people can make us happy.

There's not there's no the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, when we're suffering from a spiritual malady, nothing's enough. You can't love us enough. You can't give us enough. You can't do enough. There isn't enough.

So there was nothing he could do to make me happy even though he tried. He tried. Am I, am I committed to and do I encourage my mate's spiritual, professional, and individual growth? I am committed to my marriage. Commitment.

I learned about commitment in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not know about commitment in my first marriage. I was not faithful in my first marriage, emotionally or physically. I was not faithful. I all I wanted was what made me feel good.

That was all I I often say that alcoholics alcoholism is the disease of needing to feel good. We're the feel good people. If it doesn't feel we're always how does that feel? And when a lot of times, when somebody I'm working with in AA talks about feelings, I am not interested in your feelings. I am very interested in your actions because that feeling is gonna pass.

So what I need to know is about your actions. But I wasn't. I did not support my mate. I was not committed. And I learned to be committed in AA.

And what I learned first about commitment was be committed to a home group. Be committed. I have a home group. It's a 3rd legacy group that meets on Monday night at 7 o'clock in Bellingham, Washington. I am there unless I'm out of town doing some other AA service.

I am am at my home group no matter what. That's my commitment, and I learned to be committed in AA, and thus, I was able to learn to be committed to my husband. Have an AA function sometime. And, somebody will say, well, do we have enough people signed up? My always today, I've been around long enough.

Don't worry about it. Most alcoholics don't know how to commit. So 5 minutes before the function, they decide they're coming. That's the way we do things. But what I've learned to do is commit.

Find a home group. Begin to learn about commitment. And when I got married, I committed to my marriage. I committed to be faithful. No matter what, I committed to be faithful.

And today, that's what I do. I am committed to my marriage. And I don't mean committed if there's abuse or anything that's gonna harm me in any way, but I am committed to my marriage. And in being committed, I began to realize that I want to support my husband. Now my husband and I I say this a lot.

Dave and I have nothing in common but AA. That's it. We are way out here. Dave is one of these intellectual people who's always looking for quartz and ozone. And and I'm just like, and I'm always telling him, you give me more information than I ever wanted to know about.

And Dave loves to throw a 40 pound pack on his back and walk around on type on top of mountains and throw ropes up on mountains, and climb up mountains. And to me, it's like, oh my God. You mess up up my fingernails and skin my knees. And, you know, to me, I, you know, I don't want that. I want a warm bed and a shower and a potty I sit on.

You know, those are the things I want. I don't wanna be doing things in the woods. And so we don't but what But you know what? I love it that he loves to do that. I love it.

I've I travel a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous. And today, it's not as big a deal because I retired in July. But it used to be a big deal because I worked. Like, I would work about a 50 hour week, and I had a long commute to work. And then I worked, plus my AA commitments in California, plus being gone on the weekend for an AA commitment.

So it was really a sacrifice in our relationship, and Dave supported me. So what we've done is go whatever passion a person has, go support that. And be glad they do it and be happy it makes them happy. And what we've done is we've been able to be able to do that for each other, and that's a gift. Am I able to share my feelings with my partner?

Can I listen to my partner's feelings? Really good. We were talking in the car, and, Moss said he had really good. We were talking in the car, and, said he had read something that, you know and, we read this book. Men are from Mars.

Women are from Venus. I'm sure that you've seen this book around. And I guess in the book, it says, you know, just let you know, men are to listen for, like, 20 minutes. We don't need a lot. We just need a little attention.

And Dave's learned how to give that to me. So he acts interested. So again, it's not about how you feel. It's how you behave. Right?

It's our actions that count. So he acts interested. And when he is sailing off onto some big computer geeky thing, I'm just sitting there. I'm really trying. Nothing's going in, but I'm listening.

So what I try to do is to remember to always look at my part in the relationship. If I am unhappy, the big in the 12 and 12, it talks about in the 10th step. It is a spiritual axiom. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. So what I try to do is keep my eyes on my own actions.

And in doing so, then Dave and I are not blaming each other for what's wrong with our marriage, and we continually we continue to have a mutual desire to stay in the relationship. Tradition 4. Those of you who would like to know some of the little terms of endearment that my wife has used on me in the past, see me after the break. Okay. Tradition 4 says, each group should be autonomous except matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole.

Here is an area where there is, in in my experience, an awful lot of abuse in Alcoholics Anonymous. This is a place where the bleeding beacons, especially take umbrage at what is written in our book. But what this tradition really means for Alcoholics Anonymous and for the other programs who have adopted, in essence, these same traditions is that, your group, your home group, it is important for you to participate in your home group because your home group should be, well, I don't I need to avoid words like should. Home groups, have the tradition of group conscience. K?

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole. So that means your group is autonomous. It is what you want it to be within the following within the following guidelines. If you decide that you are only going to allow alcoholics to come to your meeting, then that's what's called a closed meeting. I think, a few closed meetings are good.

If you decide that non alcoholics can come to your meeting, then that's an open meeting. And an open meeting does not necessarily mean that nonalcoholics get to participate. It just means they can attend. And what the what the traditions are in your group governing that are that, and these are these are groups that I know of that allow this to work, and it works well for them. K?

I know of 1 group. I know of lots of different sets of groups that that that do this. But there it is common in in, some places to have a lot of open meetings. The benefit to open meetings is that you can bring people with you. K?

Many times, families are suspicious of other family members that go to AA because they're told they're not allowed allowed to go. See, now if if you're if you're a wife and you drive your husband up to an AA meeting and you see a lot of cute girls going in, and you tell her she's not allowed to go, I mean, that's gonna make even the most trusting soul a little bit suspicious. You know? So you you need to be able to take your wife or your husband. You need to be able to take your grown children, and maybe even your small children.

Our our home group furnishes child support. K? Childcare. If you're a single parent or or if you, have your children for the weekend or whatever, and you need to come to a meeting, but you have your kids, our group furnishes the babysitter. We we our meeting is in a is in a church.

We have a nursery. You can take your kids to the nursery. And we we have a babysitter there who, takes care of the kids, and and she is paid out of the group collection. So our group pays for that just so we can make sure that we are as inclusive as we can possibly be. I know of, other open meetings where, people from, Al Anon are not only are welcome to come, but can speak, can share.

There are see, if if you wanna have people from Overeaters Anonymous or NA or wherever, if you wanna let them share in your meeting, that's up to you. There's nothing carving any stone tablet, AA tablet anywhere that says you can't do that. Your group is autonomous, and that's why business meetings are important and so forth. You you need you know, we have some really we have some strange ideas that come along in AA. I mean, really weird.

We're weird to begin with, but we have some you know? We had we had some people in the US a while back that were being the drum for a gender neutral big book. I wanted to rewrite the big book to make it gender neutral. So I guess they didn't like fellowship. They wanted a fellowship.

They wanted a personship or something. I don't know. But, you know, if if you don't get involved in your group and go to business meetings and all, the next thing you know, you may be reading a gender neutral big book. But, if you if you have an AA group and you let people from, let us say, OA come to your group and share, You probably won't see me in your meeting. I doubt that I'll come to that kind of group, but it's certainly your right to do so if you want to.

It's okay with AA if you do that. This tradition says it. And, and it's a very important tradition. Very important tradition. You know?

Because otherwise, what are you gonna think? The same thing I'm gonna think, that we're being dictated to by some bunch of creeps in New York that we never heard of, and we don't care what they say. And and you call them up sometimes, and they say, well, you know, we can't tell you what to do. Won't even try. You know, our experience is this, but you do whatever you wanna do.

So in terms of relationships, that means each of us, me, both Polly and I, in the case of our marriage should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other or our family or society as a whole. So each partner should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other partner, other members, such as children or parents, or the relationship as a whole. And another way to say that is that we must we must become unselfish. K? Our thinking must become, how does this affect us rather than how does this affect me?

Now, obviously, if we have children, we have to come to agreement with regard to our children. We have to come to agreement with regards to our our parents. But, otherwise, if you call Polly and want to know if she can come and speak at your conference, that's entirely up to her. That's her decision. That's not mine.

You know, we we keep a book, a schedule at home. And if we wanna do something together, we have to put it in the book in the schedule. Otherwise, she's free to do something, and I'm free to do something if it's important. She doesn't have you know, I don't want her to come and ask me, is it okay with me if she goes somewhere and speaks at a conference? Of course, it's okay with me.

You know, I cherish freedom. I cherish my freedom. You know, it is wonderful to feel free and unconstrained, to be able to do what I wanna do when I wanna do it within the framework of a successful relationship. And because I know how important that is to me, I also know it's just as important to her to have the same freedom. I'm gonna build a fence around her.

Why would I wanna do that? You know, she was free when I met her. You know, considering all the luck I've had managing lives, how what what could I expect the outcome be if I tried to manage her life? Look what he did to me. Just think what I could do to her.

So this gives us freedom in all the essential matters. You know? She is free to choose her own way to approach her life and her functioning and all this. You know? The only the only, responsibility that that freedom carries is that we neither one of us can do anything that's gonna damage our marriage and our relationship.

You know? I mean, that's that's that's beyond the boundaries. Realize, I think, I have to first realize that that I'm God's kid. You know? I am God's kid.

I'm not just somebody's mother or father or brother or sister or wife or husband. You know? When I ask God what he would like for me to do one day at a time and then go about trying to do his will the best that I can. This is not gonna endanger my relationship. You know, I get up every morning.

Every single morning, Polly and I pray together out loud. Took a long time to get to that, let me tell you. But we do now. And, and every morning, I say aloud, while we're holding hands, I say the I say aloud, I say the 3rd step prayer. God, we offer ourselves to you to build with us and to do with us as you will.

Now I was I was talking to a lady just before this we reconvene us today, and I thought, you know, the big the big hump I had to get over on that was that, you know, I thought doing God's will, you know, without any, you know it's just not gonna be fun. No. It's not. You know, if if I if I take all of the barriers down, you know, I just tear down all the dams and take away all the reservations and just freely say, do whatever your will is for me, I'm gonna have to go to Africa and be a missionary or something. You know, I had to ride around on a bicycle and and and convert people to Mormon You know?

Doing stuff for god is just can't be fun. But once you get over that hump, how do how do you get over it? Well, you just keep going along. And gradually, as you go along trying to keep the faith, you realize you have more and more faith. It just happens, you know, because your life keeps getting better and better and better, and, and your faith keeps getting stronger and stronger.

You know, who has faith at first? You know, faith is not a commodity. You can go down and buy it at at the local shop. You know, it's something that you have to develop within yourself. You gotta have a lot of prayers answered before you have strong faith.

And, so I I I finally got over that hump and, said, you know, god, we we are yours. Do with us whatever you will. And the next thought then that comes to me is, you know, well, I'm God's kid. I belong to God. I I I gave myself to it.

I belong to him, which means, nothing bad's gonna happen to me. Things may happen to me I don't like, but it's only because I don't understand. I I have been in the midst of some absolutely tremendous miracles just bitching and griping every step of the way because I just knew it. I was getting screwed. I couldn't see it while I was in it.

While it was going on, I just couldn't see it. But I get down the road a little further, and I look back, and I think, look at what he did. Can you believe that? Sheesh. So I don't have to worry about my relate I don't have to worry if I turn her loose to do whatever she wants to do.

You know, we belong to God. Nothing's gonna happen to us. It's okay. You know? As she said, we're very different.

You know? I mean, I I, I take the guys I sponsor and and do what things that she was talking about. You know? We go backpacking and all that stuff, go skinny dipping in the creek and, you know, or the lake or whatever and have a great time, you know, a very good spiritual time. You know?

And and Polly's idea allowing your mate to be free just really shouldn't be a stumbling block. You know, we actively encourage each other to just follow our bliss. You know, follow your bliss. Do do what makes you happy. And, you know, and and and you become secure within that after a while.

It's all this stuff is scary at first because it is completely contrary to the way we feel. You know? What what is a what is an alcoholic approach to a relationship? You know? If you love someone very much, let them go free.

If they come back of their own free will, they are yours forever. If they don't, hunt them down and kill them. It's the way we think. It's the way we think. So, you know, at at the same time, neither one of us has the right to commit the other person to something without first getting their permission or or talking to them about it.

You know? So when it when it comes to social engagements, if if you call and want to know if Polly and I both can come to your conference, she will not say yes until she talks to me first and vice versa, neither will I. You know, we have to come to to, agreement on things that affect both of us. So, you know, this just says this tradition says that, you know, freedom is the is the lifeblood lifeblood of a relationship. You know?

Because how how many of you, you know, when you start feeling a little insecure because you feel like your partner's moving away from you or your friends or or whatever, your tendency is to grab a hold tighter and tighter and hang on. And there is absolutely nothing that will chase somebody away quicker than that kind of action. And somehow, sometimes, you just can't seem to help it. But it'll kill a relationship quicker than anything else. So the checklist we have for tradition 4, do I feel like there are certain ways to do things?

And are they my ways? You bet they are. And do I insist on things being done in those ways? Not anymore. Do I always think about how or if my decisions will affect my partner?

And if so, do I communicate with my partner and come to agreement? Am I willing to go to any lengths? Her links, not mine. Her links. To protect the integrity of our relationship.

And, you know, one once you know the joy of a working, loving relationship, going to any lengths to protect its integrity is just not that big a problem. You'll just do it. You'll just want to do it. Do I fully avoid injuring my mate emotionally, physically, or spiritually? You bet.