Sponsorship at the CPH12 v2 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

Hi, everybody. My name is Dave, and and, alas, I remain an alcoholic. We're gonna talk a little bit about, sponsorship now, and and and, we're gonna start off by talking about about how do you find a good sponsor. What what what do you look for when you're trying to choose somebody to be your sponsor? When when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous, there was a coffee bar like that one back there, and behind it was a sign that says, if you don't know, ask your sponsor.

If you don't have sponsor, get one. And I didn't even know what a sponsor was. So I had to, first of all, find out what is a sponsor? What do they do? Why do I need 1?

I don't know if you look in the big book, but, sponsor the the word sponsor does not even appear in the first 100 and 64 pages of the big book. I used to say that the word sponsor does not appear in the big book. See, all you have that to some to some alcoholics, that is a challenge. K? That's like throwing down the gauntlet.

So one day, a guy comes up to me, and he says, you're wrong. I mean, this is this is some weeks later. K? Because he has looked in there word by word, and he's found it. It's in one of the stories in the 3rd edition that was published in the mid 19 seventies.

So now I'm very careful to qualify. It does not appear in the first 164 pages of the big book. The first place it appears, if you wanna know, is on page 47 in the 12 and 12. So that's I'm throwing down the gauntlet again. So, anyway, you know, why why do you need a sponsor?

Well, mostly because, Alcoholics Anonymous is a pretty confusing place to come into. You know, you come in here and you find people who were who were winos last year are now walking around openly, publicly praying and talking about God and so forth. And, you know, it's a little confusing, you know, and and they use a lot of bad language and all that sort of thing. And, you know, they sit in church basements only it's coffee instead of booze. And, and you need only it's coffee instead of booze.

And, and you need somebody to help you figure out what this is all about. You need somebody. You know, you just can't many of us, most of us just can't go in a big room full of people, especially when we're new, and talk about a lot of things. You know? I mean, you or I, either one, could write a pretty good generic 4th step that would fit anybody because we all do the same thing.

You know, we drink too much. We lose control of ourselves. We get promiscuous. We do embarrassing things. You know, we take our clothes off at inappropriate times.

We say inappropriate things. We we blubber and snivel about how bad we are. It's all the same. You know? So but but when you're brand new, you don't know that.

You know? When you're brand new, you think you're unique. You know, that nobody has ever been as bad as you. You know, my sponsor told me one time, you know, David, if you stay sober, people, you know, people will come to you and want you to sponsor them, and, and you'll think listening to somebody's fist step is a big deal the first time. But along about the 5th time you hear somebody's fist step, you're gonna start thinking, man, doesn't anybody ever do anything new?

So you need a sponsor to help you feel comfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, to help you understand what you really need to do if you want to get and stay sober, not if you want to quit drinking. You know, any goose can quit drinking. Do you wanna get sober? Do you want to have a psychic change? Do you want your life to be one that you enjoy, you know, without being some, you know, without having to be some goody 2 shoes or or whatever.

So, how do you find a sponsor? What do you look for? So that's what I wanna talk about briefly here. And, you know, we're probably gonna run we're gonna run a little bit past 12 here. So, we're not gonna be right on schedule.

So those of you taking medications are up to your you're up to yourself. Okay. So the traits of a good sponsor. Some of the traits. Nobody nobody has all these traits.

Okay? But these are the kinds of things that you look for when you have to choose a sponsor. And the first thing is is that their life basically works out in the real world. You know? That if they're married, they have a they have a good marriage.

If they have children, that they take care of their children. If they have a if they have a a girlfriend or a boyfriend, that that they treat them right and and, that they are are just their life works. That they have good relationships with the people around them, and, that they're well thought of in their community and and at work. You know, people tend to like them, and, that they can be counted on to usually do the right thing, and that they seem to enjoy life. You know?

That's a dead giveaway. They seem to enjoy their life. The next thing is that their life the next thing is that their life basically works in here, in Alcoholics Anonymous, that they they have worked the 12 steps. They have fulfilled the conditions of the AA program that they know about and they believe in, the traditions that they, they understand ideas like love and tolerance is our code. They're not judgmental.

They're not arbitrary. They're not dogmatic. They attend meetings regularly. They are active in their groups. That is, it they not only tell you that it would be to your best benefit to pick up coffee cups and wash them, but they do it as well.

That if they tell you it's a good idea for you to help clean up after yourself, they clean up after themselves. In other words, that they practice what they preach, preach, that they make and keep commitments to Alcoholics Anonymous, to their home group, and to other meetings, and to and to, you know, make and make and keep commitments to work on things like this conference because it's a benefit to others. I think it's important that a sponsor that that anyone you would consider want to be your sponsor should have a sponsor. You know, my sponsor has a sponsor, My sponsor is 33 years sober. A good sponsor does not negotiate.

K? They they do not believe that the program and the steps are optional. They don't tell you that you can stay sober on the fellowship unless they really believe that. And if they do, in my mind, that disqualifies them automatically. I mean, you might go for a while on the fellowship, but, you know, well, we've we've fought that war.

A good sponsor keeps faith with Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? Some people come here and they don't like the word God in our book and in our steps. You know? Well well, you know, I'm sorry, but it's there.

You know? And it's and it's not and sometimes you hear I don't know if you ever hear this over here, but in but in the US, sometimes you hear people say, well, you know, if your concept of a higher power is a light bulb or a hamster, you know, that's okay. Well, Well, no. It's not with me. Not if I'm your sponsor.

It's not okay. You know? How can you take it seriously if you if you have ideas like that? You know? I mean, silliness is not the thing.

A good sponsor does not care if you are inconvenienced by meetings. You know? Either you wanna do this or not, I'm not gonna work harder on your sobriety newcomers find things. You know, they they tell you about the variety of different kinds of AA meetings. You know, sometimes we have book studies.

Sometimes we have step studies. Sometimes we have discussion meetings. Sometimes we have speaker meetings. Sometimes our meetings are open. Sometimes they are closed.

And a good sponsor will, you know, will tell you what all these things mean. A good sponsor will tell you, what we consider to be the importance of a home group. K? Somewhere where you have a commitment. A good sponsor encourages you to get involved in helping others who may not have the means to find their way here, you know, people who are in hospitals and institutions, you know, to go and and see what you can do to help them.

And they encourage you to be involved in all of those things. And, by the way, these these, this list that I made, I made it so that I could pass it out. So it'll be sent to Aynor, and put on the website. So if anybody wants this, they can get it. A good sponsor, make sure that you have a job in AA.

That you help make coffee or put up chairs or, you know, help set up a meeting or see, in order for you to to be comfortable here, you have to feel like you belong here. You know, It doesn't have to be much. You know? But if you have to go to your meeting 15 minutes already so you can put up chairs, you are a part of the meeting, and the meeting is part of you. You know?

I belong here. I'm involved here. I do something here. This meeting depends on me in some way. And and you don't understand that at first.

You know, if you're when you're a newcomer like I was and they wanted me to wash ashtrays, I you know, I'm not your janitor. Wash your own damn ashtrays. I don't even smoke. You know? And if you don't have if you don't have a good sponsor, you you think somebody's just trying to get you to do work, unpleasant work that they don't wanna do themselves.

You know, I I don't care what somebody wants me to do. You want me to come to your meeting and talk? Great. I'll come and talk. You want me to come and help you put up the chairs?

I'll do that too. You need the ashtrays washed? No problem. You know, this is where this is my home. This is my life.

This is where I live, and I I insist on being involved in my own life. A good sponsor makes you aware of the rules and that you attempt to rise above the rules at your own risk. You know, and some of the rules we don't have many you know, we've talked about we have traditions and not rules. But there are times when we have rules that we have to follow, and they're not our rules. You know?

We meet in places where they do not like for you to smoke or drink coffee. You know? They don't want you spilling coffee on their carpets. Church. And a good sponsor will let you know that, you know, don't you know, those rules are not our rules, but they're rules we have to observe.

And it's important that you do that. A good sponsor makes sure that you are self supporting through your own contributions. You know? Anybody that, for years years years in the US, it was customary to put a dollar in the plate when it came by. Well, inflation has taken its toll.

Costs have gone up. You know? And if I'm your sponsor if I'm your sponsor in the US and you're only putting a buck in the plight, we're gonna talk. You need to put 2. You know?

You're drinking coffee. You're eating cookies. You're sitting in a nice warm, dry building to have our meeting. And 1, a dollar is not enough anymore for you to be self supporting for your own contributions. So and a good sponsor explains that to you.

You know, we a good sponsor needs to tell you that we don't have a lot of money here. We never have, and and that is our to our benefit. All we ever do about money is fight over it anyway. So, you know, a good sponsor makes you aware of all the AA literature. You know?

There's a there's a thing in the I don't know what what it might be called here, but in the US, there's a there's a little magazine that comes out called A Grapevine. There's a big book. There's a 12 and 12. There's a lot of different AA literature and things that may be a benefit to you, and a good sponsor will let make you aware of that. A good sponsor will make you aware of the AA organization.

Actually, nobody. You know? Trying to can you imagine trying to file file a lawsuit against AA who we just served the papers to? I I believe that a sponsor should not argue or or debate, but should present information. You know?

Dictators, Anybody that has dictatorial qualities should not even be considered as a sponsor. You know? After all, it's your life. You know? It's your life.

My attitude toward people I sponsor is it is my responsibility as your sponsor to give you all the information that I have at my disposal, and then you have to decide. It is your life. You have to decide what you're gonna do with your life. A good sponsor of rigorous honesty. You know?

If it is not yours, don't take it. If it is not true, don't say it. If it is not right, don't do it. That's all there is to A good sponsor gets you committed in AA meetings. We've talked about that.

A good sponsor helps you form some kind of opinion one way or the other on things that come up neutral big book. Somebody says, well, the big book is really, you know, it's sort of outdated. The language is old and stilted, and, you know, and we should we should rewrite it. Well, I think probably a lot of us think that's a great idea, but who's gonna do it? That's where we hit the skids, you know, agreeing on who who might rewrite that book.

So as a result, nobody's gonna rewrite it because we don't trust anybody. I think a sponsor, helps you understand that that he or she nor anyone else in Alcoholics Anonymous is a is a loan company or a marriage counselor or a dating service or a bail bondsman or an attorney or a doctor or any other professional. You know, a lot of us, you know well, I won't do that. Because sponsor doesn't play doctor. You know?

I don't know if it's a problem here, but but in the US, we have a lot of people that, like to say that, you know, like to dictate what medications you may and may not take and and and still claim your sobriety. You know, this is not widespread in Alcoholics Anonymous, but it it you you encounter it now and then. And, you know, and if I'm your sponsor, if you have gone to a doctor, and you have told the doctor, been honest with him that you are an alcoholic or a drug addict or whatever you are, and that, you know, you you shouldn't be taking certain kinds of medications because of your problems. And, you you believe your doctor understands that. And you explain to him what your symptoms are, and he prescribes a medication for you and, and all.

It is absolutely none of my business what that is. That is strictly between you and your doctor. It's none of my business. It's not anybody's business, but your own business and your doctor's business. You know, sometimes you get people in Alcoholics Anonymous and sober them up and find out you got a full blown psycho on your hands who desperately need medication because they don't work without medication.

Manic depressive disorder is very common in sober alcoholics. You know, poly sponsors the young lady that has it, and I'm telling you, when she takes her medication, she is so spiffy. She is just great. And when she doesn't, she's a lunatic. So a good sponsor leads by example, walks like he talks, walks or she walks like she talks, and and is not not too rigid, not too casual.

A good sponsor reveals himself or herself. You know? A good sponsor I I tell people how I feel now, how I felt in the past, what I've thought along the way, you know, what kind of bad ideas I've had along the way. What kind of good ideas I've had along the way. What I've done.

You know, I I disclose any kind of information that, I'll tell you anything you wanna know about me. A good sponsor is patient and sincere and helpful. And, finally, a good sponsor will help you will encourage you look for, you know, when when you are trying to select a sponsor, trying to help get somebody to help you. As I said, this I'm gonna post this on the website, and, you'll be able to look this over. And, now I want, Polly, who sponsors a lot of women, to come up and just talk to you in in a just a narrative kind of way.

I can talk to you like she wants to, however she wants to. Yeah, I'm thinking about letting her off probation. Holly Alcoholic. Holly. What I wanted to do was just kinda talk about how I sponsor.

There's a lot of different ways to sponsor, and a lot of people do it a lot of different ways. But what I would like to do is just share in a just a really general way what I do. One of the things that over the years with, with being sober this long, I ended up sponsoring a lot of people. And, and I'm gonna throw this out, and I don't want anybody to faint. This is not for ego or anything.

I'm just want to let you know that you we can do anything that's asked of us because we don't do it. God does it. I sponsor about 90 women. And that sounds like, how do you do that? How do you sponsor that many people?

Well, I'm gonna start off by saying, probably, more than half the women I sponsor are 20 years sober or more. So that's that starts. Because for some reason, I seem to get people coming to me that have long term sobriety. So they either wanna rework the steps or, you know, it's like, gosh. I've just I I need my enthusiasm back for Alcoholics Anonymous.

And then I sponsor people in between. I don't sponsor very many newcomers, or I didn't in California. Because what would happen in California, if you're a newcomer, you have to stand up for 30 days and, and then say you're a newcomer. And I'm telling you, when a woman would stand up in our meeting and say she's a newcomer, I'd be, you know, I'd be telling somebody I sponsor, you go over there and find out she has a sponsor. And, one of the things that that I that I do is, I just I appoint myself as sponsor, or I have the women I sponsor appoint themselves as sponsor.

Because what happens when you're new, you don't know what a sponsor is. And I don't think people are qualified to interview sponsors with a few days of sobriety. So just go appoint them. Take say, look. I'll be your temporary sponsor until you decide whether you want me or you want somebody else, and, I'm gonna pick you up and take you to a meeting.

So that we get the people in the meeting right away and get it to be a part of the meeting. Let's get everybody to the meeting. That's the you know, let's get you there. Let's just get them in the car. First thing, just get them in the car.

Now because I sponsor a lot of people, it's very difficult for me to take each and every person through the book. So what I do is is I had I moved in October, so I have not restarted this yet. But for 13 years, I had 2 meetings a month in my home for the people I sponsored. And on 1 Tuesday it was on the first and third Tuesday night of every month. And on the 1st Tuesday of the month, we did the steps in some variation.

We either did the steps out of the big book. We did the steps out of the 12 and 12, or we did the traditions. 1 year, we did the concepts, and I nearly lost everybody I sponsored. So but, the service manual was a little heavy. So, yet I believe we're gonna talk about service.

That's gonna be our other topic. But that's what I would do. And then what we would do is we would kind of work the steps as a group. However, I would do the 5th step individually. So each each person I would sit, because I for me to do a 5th step with somebody, I do 5, 6, 7, and 8, all in one sitting.

And that usually takes somewhere in the vicinity of 4 or 5 hours. So I make an appointment and do that. And then I talk on an individual basis with the 9th step, and then I do 10 steps, then I'm I'm the kind of person that believes you do the steps, and then you live in in 10, 11, and 12. And then continue to do 10 steps of which we talk about. I also have call times because I worked, and, I had a really fortunate thing.

You know, here's the good news, here's the bad news. I had an hour and 15 minutes commute to work, an hour and 15 minutes home. And in LA traffic, you don't drive, you inch. You know? You just kinda scoop down the freeway.

So what I would do is I would take call ins during that time. That gave me 3 hours a day on the freeway to to or 2 and a half hours a day to take calls. I also got up at 4:30 in the morning, did my shower, what I had to do, my prayer and meditation. I have a headset. I put on my headset and start taking call ins at 5 while I put on my makeup and get dressed for work.

So there's always a way. And so I would take my call ins, and that's that's what I do with, like, people who are there, and also people who are out of town. Okay. I sponsor a lot of people out of town. And, when I first started being asked to sponsor out of town, I didn't know how to do it.

So I went to some people who know how to do it, and they instructed me how to do it. So what I do is, they send me an email once a week and they give me a call once a week. And then when we do steps, what we do is they make an appointment to either meet me where I'm speaking or come to my house, spend a few days, and we do the 5th step. We do 5, 6, 7, 8, all at one setting. Now I'm just giving you kind of an overall view if that's if you're if you're feeling like because one of the things that started to get to me is that, you know, I was taught in Alcoholics Anonymous, when you're asked to do something, the answer is yes.

But I didn't know how to make all that work. So what I began to do was to ask other people who do it how they do it. And, I mean, and there are people who sponsor lots and lots more people than I do and are much more efficient at it than I am. I'm just sort of learning how to do it and how to make it work. Now I can guarantee you I couldn't sponsor 300 newcomers.

I couldn't do it. I can't even sponsor 5 or 6 newcomers at one time because it's just it's I need to give them too much attention. Right now, I have 3 newcomers. And that's really good. I have them at my house and we do the stuff that we need to do.

And they're the ones ones doing the little meeting that I have at the house. So we've just started that. So it's all possible if, if that's what, you know, if if you're a person who's really my passion, and it's not everybody's step. Okay? Everybody will find their spot in Alcoholics Anonymous now and not.

Sponsorship is not everybody's deal. It just happens to work with to work with other women. It's the thing I enjoy in Alcoholics Anonymous the most. And that's what it seems like it's sort of been my calling. There, I have some women who do wonderful service work at the at the at, like, the regional levels, and I'm not very good at that.

I just, you know, I'm just not a person that does that very good, but they're great at it. So find out what you like to do. There are people who organize these conventions. They have a gift for doing it. And you'll find out.

And if sponsorship is your is your deal, then I highly encourage you to do it. I only sponsor for me now that's not I have people who sponsor in more than one program. Personally, I only sponsor in an Alcoholics Anonymous. Excuse me. I am a member of Al Anon, and I have an Al Anon sponsor, and I've worked the steps in Al Anon.

However, I only sponsor an Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's just because I sponsor a lot women and it just keeps me focused. So that's just a little bit of a of a deal. I'm a big believer in writing. And one of the things that happens is, somebody will come to me and they'll ask me to sponsor them, and then I'll say, well, why don't you write a little bit about it, send me an email, or however you wanna do it.

Well, I don't like to write. And then I said, well, I'm probably not your person because I believe what the book says, pick up pen and paper. I believe in writing. I write 10 steps. I don't like to write either, but I'm not one who's concerned about what somebody likes to do.

So I feel like these are the things that are necessary. And especially, if you want to be sponsored by somebody who sponsors a lot of people, the work is really on you. Especially the people who are out of town. They're the ones who have to work the hardest because they have to they're the ones doing all the effort. So those are just some ideas.

Take what you want, keep the rest, or throw the rest away, whatever you wanna do with it. But that's just kind of what what I do. And Dave Dave Dave's an outside sponsor. His guys have to backpack and kayak and all that stuff. And so, anyway, I think are we doing a countdown now?

We're doing a countdown. I turn it over to you. Thanks.