The friday night speaker at the CPH12 v2 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

You know, I, my name is Dave. I'm an alcoholic. Alright, Dave. I have to start by thanking you. You know, my wife and I, my wife Polly and I, you'll meet her, are so profoundly touched by by your generosity and your friendliness.

And, you know, we lived in California for, until about a year ago, we lived in Los Angeles. And so, you know, that makes me one of fruits and nuts. But, you know, and this may be a little bit, soothing to my spirit to our spirit. You know? It is so soothing to my spirit to our spirit.

You know? It is so easy and so nice to be here, and we thank you so much for inviting us. We are having a wonderful time. I don't know if I mentioned that I'm an alcoholic or not, but I happen to be that too. And I, I have a, an AA home group, and that is the 3rd legacy group in Bellingham, Washington.

And we don't live in Bellingham. That's a city of about 70,000 people. We live in a little village, about, probably 30 kilometers from there. And, so I come from a remote corner, of the US. And my home group is called the 3rd legacy group because the 3rd legacy of alcoholics and our 3 legacies And, I have a sponsor, and my sponsor's name is And, I have a sponsor, and my sponsor's name is Keith Lewis.

And Keith lives in Wilmington, North Carolina. And and I don't know if I remember to mention my last name, but it's Pistol. And, you think that's funny? My wife's name is Polly. It sounds like some sort of striptease dancer, doesn't it?

And to those of you who may be new here and who are somewhat alarmed because I am throwing out not only my last name, but my sponsors. That that, is in keeping with our tradition of anonymity at the public level. So, my sponsor wants you to know his sponsor wants you to know his last name so that if you're ever in Wilmington, North Carolina and don't know where there's an AA meeting, you can look him up in the phone book, and you'll be able to find him. And if you ever come to the phone book, you can look him up in the phone book, and you'll be able to find him. And if you ever come to the book, and you'll be able to find him.

And if you ever come to the northwest corner of Washington, you'll be able to find me and Polly, and perhaps we can be of some service to you in helping you find a meeting or give you a little food or a place for the night or whatever you need. You know, we we're not, we're not picky. And, so, And he, I I called my sponsor one time, and I said, Keith, you know, I just happen to think, you know, I I happen I I think it's important to tell people when you when you speak at an AA function that, you know, that you have been sober for a while and to tell them, you know, that that you do the things you tell them they need to do, you know, that that you have a home group and that you have a sponsor. And I said, okay if I mention your name. And he said, oh, no.

By all means, I I would like for you to mention it, and I'd like for you to mention it in my full name. You know? Because one of the one of the benefits of being sober is that it can be listed in the phone book. And, that you have invited us, and I am so grateful to see some old friends that I have not seen in a long time, in 2 or 3 years, and and that is the the people from Iceland. We, we just really fell in love with him when we were there a couple of years ago.

I don't even remember how long it's been, but it it hasn't been all that long. So, perhaps we should get on with this. I'm glad so many of you are here. I'm I'm glad that we have some newcomers here. I'm assuming that's what some of you who stood up were.

Is that right? No. No. Well, okay. So if if you are oh, those are the people from out of out of town.

Right? Oh, okay. So if you are and, you know, and I'm I'm really sorry that, you have to suffer through this in English. You know, you I don't speak Danish, and and, you know, I our our country's got 2 big oceans, 1 on each side, and there's not very much pressure on you to learn any this. But I, this.

But I, I don't know why you came to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new here, I don't know what your expectations were. Possibly, you came from for the same reason that I did. You may not fully understand for some time why you might have come here to begin with. I didn't understand for a long time exactly why I came here.

It's not important why you came here. It's not important why you're an alcoholic. I used to think it was terribly important to find out why I'm an alcoholic. What happened? It seems like it ought to contribute that that knowledge should contribute something to the solution.

It doesn't, but it seems like it should. But, we come here for many different reasons. Some people come to Alcoholics Anonymous because, you know, their, their wife or husband says, you know, if you don't do something about your drinking, I'm leaving. Sometimes, you know, at work, they may tell you that, you know, if you don't do something about your drinking, you you can't work here anymore. You know, in California, we had people that came today, hey, looking for romance.

And, and and if you if that happens to be why you came, I should tell you that the odds are good. Unfortunately, the goods are odd. My wife sponsors a lot of, of women. Many of them are married, and and they call sometimes on weekends. And and we sorta we sorta wind up in a sense we cosponsor, wind up in a sense we cosponsor, everybody.

And, so they'll call up and say, hi, Dave. Is is Polly there? No. She's not, sweetheart. She's out of town.

Oh, well, have you got a minute? And I say, you bet. And so then they they proceed to tell me problems they're having with their boyfriend. And and I say, well, you know, this is Alcoholics' Anonymous, and and we don't we don't interview, royalty or the graduating class of universities or people like that for membership. You know?

We we get our members from jails and and, hospitals. You didn't this is not the prime place to to find, you know, your prince charming. So, anyway, our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, at the end of chapter 5 that we that we normally read in the US I think you usually read this here too in meetings. In the chapter 5, the last paragraph says that, our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas, a, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, b, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, and c, that God could and would if he were sought. So I'll spend a few minutes, telling you, how that affects me and how that applies to me.

The description of the alcoholic, the the big book has a lot of information which describes alcoholics, alcoholic behavior, alcoholic thinking. And perhaps to me, the most telling information is is to be found in the doctor's opinion where it says that, we we have a problem with drinking because of a thing called the phenomena of craving. That once we take a drink, we can no longer predict our behavior. We lose control of things. And, and that pretty much goes with with, all addictive problems.

You know? All compulsive, obsessive behavior. You know? Whether your whether your, problem is, is is food or gambling or whatever. Once once, in our case, alcoholics, once you take a drink, you can't predict what's gonna happen.

You don't know where you're gonna wind up. You don't know you know, you you you you can expect to, if you stay with it long enough and really dedicate yourself to drinking, You can you can look forward to waking up from time to time not knowing where you are, not knowing where your clothes are, not knowing who that person is in bed with you, not knowing where your car is. And that is just the nature of it, and that happens because you know, and and and aren't we always ashamed? Oh, I've done it again. How did this happen?

And, you know, and we think that, you know, we just we just shoulda had 4 drinks, not 12. And it doesn't occur to us until we get here and somebody tells us that it wasn't for that the the 4th drink didn't do it. The 12th drink didn't do it. The 50th drink didn't do it. The first drink did it.

The first drink is what did it. As soon as we take a drink, it's over because the phenomena of craving sets in, and we can't stop. And, so, that that is what doctor Silkworth, in the in the doctor's opinion of the big book, says that alcoholics can best be described as those people who who experience the phenomenon of craving when they take a drink. The chapter to the agnostic, which is the next part of that paragraph, we we have a chapter in the big book called we agnostics. And and to me, that, you know, that that the existence of that chapter is a clear sign, of god's working in our program.

See, when Bill Wilson, Bill Wilson and and doctor Bob Smith, the founders of our program, when Bill wrote that chapter, he had been sober about 3 years at that time. And I don't know and he and that chapter does something that is that to me is absolutely incredible. I I consider it actually a miracle. That chapter makes God approachable. And I don't know how I don't know anybody that has 3 years of sobriety that can write a few paragraphs that will make god approachable.

I mean, that is a nonthreatening way to get introduced to god. You know, I I don't know what you came here with in in the as far as ideas are concerned about god. I came here with with some seriously flawed ideas about god, but that chapter disarmed all of my fear, all my anger, and all of my arrogance about god. And I consider that truly a a hallmark of the how miraculous this program really is. And then it talks about our personal adventures before and after to make clear 3 pertinent ideas, a, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

You know, I, I spent my whole life my whole career, rather, as a computer scientist. Yeah. I'm a geek. And, and I I I never one time made a decision that I thought would be harmful to me. Still haven't.

I never one time said, I think I'll make some bad decisions today. I think I'll do something to see if I can't really tear my life up. You know? Yeah. I'll get see if I can't do something that'll make my wife leave me.

Maybe today I'll see if I can't get fired from my job. Maybe today I'll have a car accident. I never made decisions like that. You know? But doing the very best job I could to have a successful life and one that I would enjoy living, I turned me into a derelict.

I turned me into a derelict single handedly with unassisted. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was drinking 6 half gallons of vodka per week. A half gallon, I think, is about a liter and a half. And, I drank 6 of those a week. And, I'm I'm a little anal, so I know exactly how many it was because I bought a case every Friday.

See, I was when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was unemployed, and I was I happen and cash my check, and go down and buy a case of vodka. And then and cash my check and go down and buy a case of vodka. And that's what I drank from Friday to Friday. And, my diet at that time, consisted of, a little frozen chicken dinner, that had 3 pieces of chicken in it. You always got a wing.

They always put a wing in. And one skinny little leg and one little thigh. And then there were some little green pellets over in one corner that the package said were English peas. I think they were just little green plastic balls. And, over on the other side, there was some white goop that the package said was mashed potatoes, but, whatever that was, that had never seen the ground.

And, and I would and and that was my soul diet. And and if I remembered to do it, I would pop one of those in the oven. And if I remembered to take it out before it burned, I would try to eat some of it. And other than that, I just drank. And I had been doing that for some time.

I had been a daily I was 40 years old when I came here, and I had been a daily drinker since I was about 19 or 20. And I had been an alcoholic. I had been drinking alcoholically, which means, to me, the advanced stages of alcoholic drinking. That means to me that if my eyes are open, I'm drinking. The only time I'm not drinking is when I'm unconscious.

And, so I, had been drinking alcoholically for a long, long time, and I was in extremely bad physical condition. And, I had not had a bath in about I I'm really not sure, you know, but weeks, months, nor brush my teeth, nor comb my hair, nor I don't know how long I had no idea how long it had been since I changed my clothing. Because, see, if you stay with it, if you don't give up and you stay with it, things like bathing and putting on clean clothes and taking care of yourself become totally irrelevant. This don't matter. You know, you smell about as bad as you're gonna smell in 2 or 3 weeks.

So, you know, that part doesn't get any worse. And and, you know, and it it is, that is just one of the many eventualities of unchecked alcoholism. You know? You you just you just go to hell. Now the question then becomes, when when I presented myself to Alcoholics Anonymous or when when when you have anybody that has that has let their life get in such dilapidated condition, the question becomes, what are we gonna do with this?

You know? How did this happen? Well, very subtle. It was very subtle. There wasn't any dramatic moment in my progression from just a kid, you know, 18, 19 year old kid having fun to it being a 40 year old derelict.

Nothing dramatic happened. It just gradually got worse and worse. I found alcohol, and I knew the first time I drank as much booze as I got as I wanted to, you know, I I it would you know, I people sometimes alcoholics like to think they are unique or at least special. You know? I am so typical.

You know, I have found that I I am I am not not only am I not unique, I am typical. I I drank too much the first time out, and I got sick, and I threw up. And, you know, and I I woke up the next morning lying on the beach in the sand, and the hot sun was beating down on me. And I was sick, and I felt bad. And, you know, it was just such a typical outing for a kid.

You know? Just drink too much and throw up and get sick. But I woke up thinking, man, I can't wait to do that again. To the sea far about, hey. You laugh, but the match happened to you too, or you wouldn't be here.

Yeah. You know, for about 15 or 20 minutes there, my life was okay. For about 15 or 20 minutes, I felt safe. I felt okay. I wasn't ugly anymore.

My freckles had fallen off. You know, my jokes were funny. The girls thought I was amusing. You know, it was just wonderful. That's the first time in my life I'd ever felt like that.

You think I'm gonna give that up? You're crazy. No way. So I I just slowly watched my life, you know, from from afar now, you know, because I've been sober for a long time. And and from afar, I watched my life, how it just slowly goes downhill, just slowly I just slowly degenerate into a bum.

It looked good for a while. Looked really good. I had a I'm a computer scientist. I had I had really good jobs. You know, I I was a I was a big deal for a long time, in my own mind, at least.

And, you know, I I had some, really impressive jobs. I enjoyed my work. I really had a good time being a computer scientist. It was fun. You know, I came through the I started it, you know, back in the, in in the late fifties.

I was just 19 years old, and, and I went through the whole spectrum of things. The the first computer I worked on was a vacuum tube computer. That's how long ago it was. She's laughing. This guy's older than he looks.

And I and, you know, and and I liked it. I didn't wanna screw it up. But I just slowly got to the point where being I I was unemployable as a computer scientist. And so I I went through marriages. You know?

I treated my children badly. My my son, has has died, but he was 9 years sober when he died. He's an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic. My daughter is an alcoholic.

She's 2 years sober. And, you know, I just because we infect everybody. You know? We infect everybody around us. You know?

We damage people around us. And, so I, found that, you know, that my my life was just unmanageable. Actually, what I found out was that my life is not at all unmanageable. My life is just unmanageable by me. Yeah.

It is unmanageable by me. The the next idea that we have is that, probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. I I looked around, you know, and and who were the powerful humans? Doctors are powerful. I I I needed to, get cured of alcoholism, so I did what my my Western heritage taught me to do.

I called a doctor. And, I mean, I never even considered Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't even know I don't even remember if I even knew anything about AA. I probably heard oh, I do. Yes.

I had I remember I had her we used to joke about AA in the bars. You know, we used to say things like, the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to go to all those meetings. I, so I I called I being, being, rather grandiose at that time I hope I'm still not, but I wasn't then, at least then. And I, I called the American Medical Association and asked them to recommend a doctor who could treat me for excessive drinking. And I I probably called it alcoholism, but I don't remember.

You know? When you're drinking that much vodka, things get a little hazy. But, but, they recommended a doctor. I went to see this doctor, and, this doctor, said, you know, it's like he put a mirror under my nose to see if I could frost it, you know, I guess, to see if I was a lion. You know, he bangs my knee with a little rubber hammer, and he whips out his prescription pen.

He writes me a prescription, and he said, here. I want you to take these as directed, and then come back in 2 weeks. So I took the prescription, and it was for Librium, a tranquilizer, to be taken every day. Well, now my wife, my first wife, was a nurse, and she used to bring home a book from the office called The Physician's Desk Reference. And this is a book that doctors have in the US, and it shows every drug made on the planet.

K? It gives you pictures of all these drugs, and it tells you what's likely to happen to you if you put some in your body. So I was able to order just about anything I wanted from that book. She would just opt or order it through the doctor's office. And I had been I liked amphetamines.

You know, if you have an unlimited supply of amphetamines, which I did, I bought it bottles of a1000, you know, 2 or 3 bottles cheap. I could I didn't even I cheap. I could I didn't even I you know, it never occurred to me to sell it. I just gave it away to my friends. You know, you if you're giving away free speed, you can build up a hell of an entourage.

Some people like to hang out with you. And, so I, I knew about about drugs, you know, and I looked at that prescription, and the thought occurred to me, oh my god. This is hopeless. Man, if this is all I have, this is not gonna help. This is gonna make it worse.

Now, you know, the doctor said this will cause you to drink less. Well, yeah. You're gonna spend a lot more time unconscious. No? You you can't take tranquilizers and drink and stay upright as long as you used to.

So that that powerful human didn't help me at all. You know? I mean, in fact, he made me think that, you know, what what's wrong with me is is quite possibly hopeless. You know? I I talked to ministers.

They're powerful. I've talked to ministers about my problem along the way. And, you know, I I just don't connect with them somehow or other. I don't know why. Know?

And that's not I I sincerely do not fault them for anything. I do not fault churches. I have no quarrel with churches. I go to church now usually every Sunday when I'm at home. Now I have no problem at all with it now.

But but but ministers I I don't know what they tried to say, for sure, but I do know what I heard. And and what I heard is probably not what they tried to say. But what I heard was, look, Dave. We own God. See?

And if you wanna get to God, you gotta go through us. You gotta do it our way. And and here's what you have to do to make yourself presentable to god. See, I I couldn't do that. I mean, I I just couldn't rise to the level of purity that they seem to require for god to help me.

I just couldn't do it. So I didn't try. You know? I just gave up. I went to a therapist.

You know, I I told a story the other night about a guy from, from Rhode Island. His name was Roland Hazard. He's he's pretty he's mentioned, fairly often in AA literature. And, he was a bad alcoholic, and and he he could afford to go anywhere he wanted to for treatment. His family was wealthy, and he spent a year working with doctor Carl Jung in in, Switzerland.

And at the end of the year, doctor Jung said, you're about as well as I'm gonna be able to make you. I think you're gonna be okay. And, Roland got on a train, went to Paris, was met by some friends, and 15 minutes later was drunk. And he was just dismayed. You know, how could this have happened?

So he went back to Sweden and, I mean to, I'm sorry, but went back to Switzerland, and he said, you know what? What happened? And doctor Yoon says, you know, Roland, the truth is I can't help you, and I don't know anything or anybody that can help you. All I know is that the only thing I have ever seen that's been effective against the problem that you have is some kind of religious or or spiritual experience, and I don't know how to induce those. I don't know how to make you have one of those.

I went to a therapist. I I went to the county mental health clinic, and I had a therapist. Every one every Monday afternoon at 1 o'clock, I went to see my therapist. Her name was Jeanette Beavers. I remember her well, and, for some strange reason.

But, I went to see her. And every Monday afternoon, I spent an hour with her. And, I go down there and tell her, what was wrong with my life. You know? Look at all the things that have happened to me.

You know what? As I I looked back on her, telling her all about my life, you know, and those ungrateful women I had married and those intolerant people I had worked for who had fired me and all that. You know? None of this was my fault. None of it was my fault.

Look what they did to me. Look what all those people have done to me. You know what AA has taught me? AA has taught me that I am not a victim. I am not a victim.

My troubles are my own making. And that, although I did not like that at first did you? That's the good news. If my troubles are of your making, I'm screwed. Before I get any better, I have to get you to change.

If I can admit that my troubles are of my own making, I can do whatever I want to about it. And you can do whatever you wanna do, and it'll be okay. But I, I told this lady all my problems, told her what how how badly I'd been treated. Therapist and you're an alcoholic, you don't feel any particular responsibility to tell them the truth. The truth is ugly.

No. I I wanted her to like me. You know? The hell do I care about the truth? The heck with the truth.

How do I look? No. You like me? Oh, fundamental of therapy is that is that, you know, you go to your therapist, you tell your therapist how you react to life around you, you know, how you react to the world, how how you act and react to your life. And and they can from your information, they can see the flaw in your thinking and help direct you, you know, help you change your course course so that your life will be better.

Well, if if everything you tell them is just fantasy, you know, that varies from time to to time, depends on which Monday, you know, that I'm there. Then, you know, I I have totally crippled this lady. She doesn't have a prayer to help me. And finally, one day, I said, when are we gonna talk about my drinking? And she said, oh, do you have a drinking problem?

Therapists are so good. You know, she probably spotted this problem about 37 seconds after I walked into her office for the first time. And she let me come every Monday and sit there and spew out all this drivel. I don't know how she took it. Waiting for me to bring up the drinking.

It's like, you know, it's like the tiger laying in the bushes waiting for somebody to walk by, and as soon as they do, they pounce. And, so, she said, Dave, you know, you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, oh, why would you want me to go there? She says, because their program works better than anything. She said, you know, we we have a government program here.

I can put you in it if you want to, but it won't it won't help you much. She's, you know, they they mean well. You know? But and this was before before, treatment. Sinners became very it's happened so weird since since, you know, the sinking of the Bismarck.

But I, but, you know, but, she said they just they do better than anybody. And, she didn't tell me this. I found out later, you know, but she could have, and it would have meant nothing to me at the time. She didn't tell me I had an incurable disease that I was gonna have to treat for the rest of my life, that I was gonna have to pay attention to, take note of for the rest of my life. But she knew where to send me.

So I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. So so probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. And the third idea is that god could and would if if you ask him to. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with all the defiant individuality and grandiosity that that we have. You know?

I I had my full share of that when I walked in. If I'd known where I was coming, I don't think I would have come. I I was I did not want to go down and and just associate with you people. You know, you are alcoholics after all. See, I I knew.

I I have always been prescient. You know? I've always known things. I don't I don't have to read books or or you know? I know things.

And I knew. Room full of old derelicts, you know, old bones. They were gonna have on, tennis shoes and no socks and rope belts and and no shaves and no teeth and, you know, just scruffy old bones. And I'm pleased to report that there was such a person in my first meeting, and it was me. I, I went into my first meeting.

And, you know, nobody nobody in Alcoholics Anonymous ever broke faith with AA. Nobody ever broke faith with it, in my case. I went in there, and, and they said a lot of different things. But one of the things that they clearly said was, Dave, we do not have enough power, individually or collectively, to get you sober or keep you sober. We recommend that you ask God to help you.

Now, well, come on. Oh, man. Oh, boy. And you said, no. No.

No. No. Not that god from your childhood. You know? We want you to stop for a moment and think about what god needs to be for you.

What should god be? What do you think God should be? And that's who he is for you, and that's the way you pranked him. And I said, you can't do that. And you said, oh, yeah.

That's the way we do it here. Very casual. Oh, yeah. That's how we do it. And I thought, oh my god.

Well, my next thought was, well, see, you don't understand. That was my big that was my big That was my big pitch when I got here. You don't understand. And, I said, you know, I I don't think I really believe in god. And and you said, oh, we don't care.

It doesn't matter. See, you didn't make any sense to me. I mean, you know, like, what do you mean you don't care? It doesn't matter. If it doesn't how come I have to pray time?

You know? So, I came to my first meeting on Wednesday night, April 14, 1976, drunk because my eyes had been opened for more than a few hours. Tolerated me. You know? That that's when I see fussy people, about, complaining about people who are drinking in AA meetings, I am I I wanna I want to let you know that you tolerated me when I came to your meeting drunk.

I mean, that's the only way I could get there. I couldn't get there any other way. I came to my second meeting the next night, Thursday night. Why didn't I come to my second meeting? Because in my first meeting, a little lady named Helen Elliott walked up to me.

And as bad as I looked and as bad as I smelled, she put her arms around me, and she said, we're glad you're here, and we hope you come back. And you know, I knew she meant it. It wasn't flashy stuff. She meant it. She wasn't showing off.

She wasn't trying to get a gold star for the day. She meant it. I couldn't believe it. So I went back the next night, drunk again. You told me the same thing.

You know, you treated me just as well as you did the 1st night, and you told me the same thing again. Talk tonight and ask god to help you. And I went back Friday night drunk, and you told me the same thing. And I went back Saturday night drunk, and you told me the same thing. Go home tonight and ask God to help you.

And by this time, I am beginning to see a little little hope. You you have not shown any signs of throwing me out. You've not made the slightest move toward throwing me away. And I went home, and I did what you asked me to do. It was against my better judgment.

You know? It's like, I guess your better judgment. Who cares about your judgment? You don't even have a job. I did it against my better judgment, and I, to the best of my recollection, I had not the slightest hope that it would work, that anything would happen.

But on April 17th, I said the little prayer, god, if I'm gonna get sober, you're gonna have to help me because I can't do it by myself. And I knew that was true. I knew that was true. I could not do it. And my sobriety day is April 18th, the very next day.

Here's a point that, I I that that I get a little bit concerned about sometimes. And that is that you will hear someone else's miracle and expect that you're gonna get treated exactly the same way. And then if you don't, you know, God doesn't love you or something's wrong. You know? And I I want to tell you nothing is wrong.

You know? The book says great events will come to pass. The great events that come to pass in your life will be your great events. They may not be great events for me, but they'll be great events for you. God may not answer your prayer the same way he answered mine, but he'll answer it.

We are this room is a room full of miracles. I mean, where would we all be if I get some kind of special treatment? Who would want a god like that? So that that is not at all what I believe. I believe that, I I was my prayer was answered so quickly because my first sponsor was a doctor.

He was a very prominent doctor. He was at my first meeting. He was the first man to greet me when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous. His name was Michael Healy. He was in Dallas.

And he said, after I've been sober about 6 months, the first night you came, I almost didn't bother to shake your hand because from the looks of you, I was convinced you would be dead in 3 days. Now what's important about that? I can tell you exactly what's important to me about that, and that is that I did something that you asked me to do just because I like you. I I appreciate I responded that's a bad way to say it. I responded to the love you showed me.

I responded to that. I I didn't wanna be separated from you. I did it because you asked me to do it. I didn't wanna come back the next day and say, I won't do what you ask. I did it because you asked me to.

Did I think it was gonna work? Nah. I just wanted to tell you I did it, and it didn't work. I didn't want you to throw me out. I did something against my better judgment that I did not believe would work just because you told me to, and and you would have let me fight with you over that as long as I wanted to.

You know? We can't make you do anything, Dave. We can't force you to do it. Here's our advice. You know?

We know that you can we know that your life can be fantastic. Lord, I you know, we don't have any police in here. We don't have any rules in here. Isn't it nice that we have traditions, not rules? God could and would if he were sought.

When I came here, one of my big problems with god is that, you know, I thought he was, mean, insecure. I mean, who who could need that much worship and praise if they weren't insecure? And and I thought he was the chief enforcer of a lot of very stringent rules, none of which were fun or easy, most of which were impossible to follow, at least possible for me to follow. He is not a friendly force in the universe. You know, I I I I look in, what little I know, what little I still know about, about religious people as they they talk about a God fearing home.

You know, and that's that's just kinda scary stuff. And that was my opinion of God when I got here. After being sober for all this time, my opinion of God today is that he's very kind. He's very loving. He's very enthusiastic that we're all here tonight.

He he would like for us all to enjoy him. He enjoys us. He is forgiving. I mean, doesn't it make sense and he's loving. He's kind.

Doesn't make sense he would be that way? Doesn't it make sense that God would practice what he preaches? Doesn't it make sense that if you if you if god, as you understand him, would like for you to be loving and kind and helpful, that that's the way he would be? Loving and kind and helpful? I mean, he you you hear a lot of talk in here about forgiveness.

You know? Don't how could I not be you know, when I stop to think about it, how could I not be forgiving? Look how you and God have forgiven me. Look at what I brought you, you know, to work with. An all smelly drunk.

And you have embraced me. You have you have held me. You have stood me up. You have helped me get my life and affairs back in order. God has seen to it that the obsession of drink has been removed.

I mean, how could I not be forgiving? Look how I have been forgiven. Where would I be if there were no forgiveness? Dead? That's the short answer, dead.

So I am, I'm very pleased that I'm able to say the things I'm saying tonight. Among other things, because my life is absolutely incredible today. I don't know if you would enjoy living my life, but I am loving living my life. I love who I am. I have lost interest in what you think of me.

I mean, it's it's okay with me. However you feel about me, it's okay with me. It's okay. You know? I used to say, I don't care how you feel about me.

I said, it's okay. You know? The world is okay. The world I live in is okay. You know?

God has given me an angel for my wife. It's not important if you think she's an angel or not. I do. It's important that I do, and I do. You know, she is she exactly fills the hole I had.

You know, it's it's a poly and god sized hole. I had 2 big holes. 1 fit poly, the other one fit god. And both my holes are filled. You know, I adore my wife.

You know, I have learned probably more from my wife than anybody else. See, when I got here, I was way too macho to say things like that. Yeah. She taught me about my wife taught me about generosity. See, I came from an incredibly poor home, you know, I mean, just abject poverty.

And, my opinion was, up until the time I met her and for some time after, and I met her, after I'd only been sober about a year and a half. So I had not been wrapped very tight yet. And my opinion was, you know, share? What do you mean share? There's already not enough to go around.

I'm not sharing anything. And Polly taught me the benefits of generosity. You know? Just and and you know how she did it? She did it just by being generous.

She didn't do it by telling me what I should do. I watch her all the time, and I see how easily her life works in many cases. I watch her do things sometimes that I would not do. K? I mean, it's against my better judgment.

You know, my my my keen alcoholic mind says and, you know, you never hear people in Al Anon meetings talking about keen keen alcoholic minds. Only in AA meetings do you hear people talk about keen alcoholic minds. And my keen alcoholic mind, you know, just said, I I just I wouldn't do that at all. But the truth is, sometimes I think, you know, but her way is better than mine. Even though I don't know if I could do it her way, her way is better than mine.

And I'm not gonna criticize her or say anything that could be misconstrued as criticism because I don't wanna discourage that kind of behavior in her. Can you believe that I could possibly have ideas like that? I can't. You know? I mean, you haven't known me all my life like I have.

I can't believe I could have ideas like that. I learned every bit of that here. I came here an arrogant jerk. And you have made someone of me that, that that I I like. I I I am easy to forgive you, and I have learned to be to treat me as I treat you.

See, I don't know about loving myself. You know, some people say, well, you can't love others. Do you love yourself? I don't know about that. That sounds a little, you know, frankly, to me, that sounds a little bit conceited and, you know, but I have learned to treat me like I treat you.

You know? No better. No worse. If you make a mistake, about choice whether I love you or not, and I choose to love you, and that's that. You have nothing to say about it.

If you don't like it, tough. And I just choose to treat me the same way. You know, if I make a mistake, I am not I am not debilitated by it. I'm not paralyzed by it. I just say, I need to do better next time.