The "Light a Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

Should I do something with it? Okay. Hi. My name is Cass. I'm a compulsive overeater.

Hey, Cass. Hi. Michael, thank you for asking me. Be of service. Let me just qualify.

I have been coming to these rooms a little over 9 years and I currently have 8 years and about 3 months of abstinence. And, that is and I've given away maintaining about £25. So those are the stats. So, just stick to the format that I learned is what it used to be like, what happened to change me, and what it's like today. Long time.

I guess what I want to share is a long time ago, I figured out all on my own how I could use food to fix me. And, it just it was just my instinct to go to food and the way I can describe that is and the way I've shared that is ever since I can remember when I was a little kid, I had this thing in the pit of my stomach and and, it scared me. And what I learned how to do through my own experimentation was, through certain, like, strange concoctions of food, it took that thing away from the pit of my stomach. And, that's exactly how it used to be and what happened was it just got progressively worse. And I've come to find out today that what that was, in the foot of my stomach, was just is fear and anxiety.

And, if you'd asked me if I was an anxious fear based person 9 years ago, I would have told you, no way. Because the way I was, was I just you I was able to take the edge off this thing in the pit of my stomach to numb it out, You know, I guess I recognized it early on and then I it was my job to kinda keep it quiet. And that's and I was able to do that and really successful in doing that from a really young age. And I didn't even know what that was. I just knew that I had to get rid of that thing.

And that's as far as it went. I didn't sit and really think about it. I just took care of it. So that's what I learned from a really young age, being very self sufficient in starting by quieting that thing and then being very self sufficient in all the other areas of my life because, I thought I had to be. And and what happened was that thing just got more and more complicated of trying to quiet that thing.

And, it started off by me being able to, but what I need to share too is from a very young age, me eating the stuff I needed to eat, most of it, except that meal time, was in hiding and, nobody taught me how to do that. I grew up in a big family. I'm 1 of 7 kids and, I didn't see anybody else going to the lengths that I was going to to get what I needed without anybody else seeing me. And, that's just part of my story, this, like, secretiveness. And, I don't really need to figure it out, but it kinda came to me years after being in this program that what that was about for me was, if you saw me doing what I did with food, with particular, like, when I was young, we didn't have a whole lot and I mixed, like, strange concoctions of stuff together, got it, finished it, you know, came back out and looked like I was fine without anybody else seeing.

So I I went to a lot of effort to do what I needed to do, in this place without any real privacy. And I needed to do that what I think that was about was, oh my god, if you see me doing what I do with food, then you're gonna figure out what I've already think I figured out is that there's something really wrong with me. You know, that part of me that felt very broken, kinda the part that felt like she missed the boat, you know, like I just kinda didn't get that rule book on life, you know, like, I just that kind of thing. I thought if you saw me doing what I did with food that you would you'd you'd see how I felt. That's how what it was.

And, so I went to any lengths for people just, you know, I learned in my environment, to make it look as if you're fine all the time. And so I olympically trained in being fine all the time. And, I had it down pat from a really young age, you know, mostly because I felt like it kept me safe. And if you didn't if people in my environment didn't see how I was feeling, then I'd be safe, you know, because I did I just didn't feel safe. So anyway, that's where the my secret eating started and I ate my meals with my family and then I did my other thing off on my own.

And it got more and more complicated because as you tend to grow up, it tend life gets a little more complicated and when I got off on my own, and I had my own wheels and my own way of getting what I wanted, it got even more complicated because, it was just about I had a lot of focus on how to get rid of this thing in in my stomach. And, so anyway, that's kinda that's how it started and all I need to say is it progressively got worse. And I was so baffled by this thing with food because I was sure I just had a food thing, you know, like I just had a food problem And why couldn't I figure out this food problem? And and because I had, you know, I was, when I went out on my own, I got a job, I held the job, I I was progressing in my in my field and I just had this food thing I had to do all the time and, I wasn't able to let anyone else see what was going on. And so I did my own little self study a lot for a long time to figure because I really thought that if I figured out the right thing for me and, I heard somebody share, you know, it was that thing about if I found the right thing then I'd feel completed, You know, then I'd feel filled up from this stuff in the pit of my stomach.

And I tried to use food to fill that thing in the pit of my stomach. And, you know, what it was was, as I said, it was it was my fear and my anxiety. And what end up happening was I was living one way on the outside looking to you as if everything was fine and on the inside, it was really I've really felt quite devastated. You know, it was, like, kind of quiet devastation, but it was it was devastation. And this crazy making thing of showing up and putting on one look and then and then going home and then, you know, and then dealing with how I really was feeling on the inside.

And that just continued and I could not figure out why I was struggling in relationships, you know, because I'd let you come so far and then I had to draw the line because, my strategy for life was when I got uncomfortable, I pulled out of the game of life and I wanna just take the edge off, you know, with food. And and it's just as I said, it just got more and more complicated and and, and again I was sure I just had this food thing. So anyway, time went on. I was playing my game trying to just self will myself to muster up the strength one more time, you know, to make it look like everything was fine. And, what end up happening for me now in hindsight is, you know, my experience is that God works through other people.

And that's why I need these rooms. That's why I need to be reminded, you know, about God in in other people. And somebody who I have really no other biz no business knowing except I worked with her, asked me to come support her one night, something that was really important. And, I ended up in an OA meeting watching her step up for her first 30 days. And, it blew me away because I didn't know this program existed and I thought, oh my god, you guys all found out about me.

And that's why I met, you know. And and it I was overwhelmed because it was the first time I had heard somebody share honestly about what they used to do with food. What that something changed them and that they didn't have to keep doing that thing that they were doing. And my experience was that the more I tried to will my control of my food, it it's like the more baffling it got, you know, then I'd swear off that night that I wasn't gonna do the very thing I just did. And by the next morning, I was, you know, an hour after I woke up, I was doing the very thing I swore I was never gonna do.

That baffled me because in other areas of my life, you know, it seemed like, you know, who knew it at the time, but, like, my plan was working in other areas of my life. And the more I tried to control this thing, the worse it got. So here I'm sitting in front of a room full of people telling me what they used, the same things I used to crazy things I used to do with food, and being honest about it and and talking about how they felt, you know, where I came from. We didn't it was private. What you felt was private, you know, and you keep it to yourself.

And so, anyway, that's part of what happened to change me because I left that meeting with hope. That's the only thing I knew I left with. I didn't understand you guys. I didn't get what you were talking about, but I got that you had something that I wanted. And so I've been coming back ever since.

And, and I found what the way I started was I I found a very structured way of eating when I started. And that it that worked for me initially because what ended up happening was I started having 3 meals a day and then I started having some life in between. And, that it was new for me because my life got really big really quick by having just 3 meals a day and abstaining in between meals. And what happened for me, and this is a I needed a couple of series of this to kinda get what was going on, was at about in this we there was a focus on 30 days once you got your first 30 days of abstinence. And a couple times, I got to 20 8, 29 days and, my life was getting so big that, I was absolutely overwhelmed.

I was overwhelmed. There were people in my life. I was sharing honestly about what was going on with me. I was talking about my feelings and I wasn't eating over them and I was, like, I was overwhelmed without a doubt. It's a lot to do all in 30 days.

You start and you never talk about yourself and then all of a sudden this will start, you know, sharing what the truth was. And, so what I need to do is I got so overwhelmed I need to eat again. You know, that's all I knew. I knew that what I knew was when I felt that anxiety kick in, my solution was to check out. And then I'll recover when I decide to reentry and I'll come back and then we'll start over again.

But that's what my that's what was happening. I was pulling out, starting over, pulling out in my life, you know, and in relationships. And, you know, that's the biggest thing that suffered from me in this disease is is relationships with other people, you know, just normal relationships, intimate relationships. I just couldn't stay present long enough, you know, because I couldn't be present with myself. So, that's what happened and then as that happened a couple times, I started to realize, you know, it was a big thing for me because I think the bottom line of that is I just didn't wanna take responsibility for my you know, from for me and show up for me.

And, that's when I finally got that. The next indicated thing to do is get a sponsor. And not trying to figure this thing out on my own because I'm self sufficient, you know, give me the materials, and I'll go study them. And, I'm very diligent that way, you know, and turns out it doesn't it didn't work that way. So I got a sponsor and, I let myself be led by somebody else who'd walked in front of me.

And, that's when I think things really began to change for me because fellowship for me is an amazing thing, to be honest with another human being, but the, starting to work this program of action, which is are the 12 steps, is what I needed to focus on because I didn't have any tools of how to do life on life's terms. My terms were when I got uncomfortable enough, I'll check out with food or I'll do some other self destructive thing that, you know, pulls me out of the game of life. And, so I started working the steps with the sponsor's direction. And I had no idea this is a fascinating thing about step 1 is that I knew I was powerless over food because I tried all my ways to try and manage my food and it talks about it in the big book, you know, like, only have one of these, only have one of these in the morning, only have one of these every Sunday. You know, like, I got how I try to manage my food and it didn't work.

So, but I had no idea how unmanageable my life was. And this is the interesting thing that the longer I'm in program, the more I realize how unmanageable life is. And I think that's like a it the way this is divinely inspired, this program, is that I didn't need to know how unmanaged my life was when I first came in because I think I would've run hard and fast and never come back. You know, I I just didn't need to know that. I need to know I was powerless over food and that was enough.

And, you know, now the fact that my life is unmanageable was a little easier to deal with than it was. But, anyway, the hope as I know that there's a solution here. And so, I began this program of action and, you know, I never had a problem believing that there was a power greater than me. I just did not have a clue how I was supposed to connect with this power. You know, I thought, am I supposed to, like, sit in the corner and figure this thing out?

I had I just didn't know how to connect with this power. What I was introduced to as a kid, I I didn't really understand, and actually, I was honestly quite, like, afraid of this concept of a power greater than me. And so, I didn't have a problem with it. I just didn't I hadn't figured it out up until now so I needed, you know. So anyway, I got led that there's a there's about 10 pages in the big book that we agnostic.

It tells me exactly how I can find this power, you know. And this power is deep down within every human being and it it clearly tells me, you know, how this can happen. And, that was very comforting to me to read that and to realize that I could have my own conception of a power greater than me, was it it was just very very comforting. And the other thing that I was told is that I didn't have to figure anything out. That my, developing this relationship with the power greater than me was was absolutely by just taking one step after the other next step after the next step.

And through this these simple but not easy things that we do, I would develop a relationship with this power greater than me that I didn't have to figure it out. I didn't believe that, but but it's been my experience that that all I need to do was take direction, you know. And so yeah. So anyway, so what happened for me next was this idea of taking an inventory that talks about, in program is taking an accurate self survey for me was is absolutely necessary because I did not have a clue how I was being out in the world. You You know, I mean, my only concern was for me to get comfortable, you know, and take the edge off.

And I had no idea how I was being out in the world and and why I was struggling relationships and why when things went wrong, my first solution was, you know, just to check out. And as it turns out, you know, I get I got to see through now several inventories in, like, really repetitive ways. How I function, out in the world. And and I realize now, I mean, I must have been a big mystery to a lot of people I was in relationships with because I see what I do now, you know, and I continue to get to see what I do. And, you know, a lot of it's not pretty to look at but because I get a chance to look at it, I get an option to do something different today.

And when I got here, I had no options. I mean, my option the only thing I had was looking good and feeling lonely, you know, and empty and a little bit devastated and trying to keep up the look. And what I found is I have little patterns that I do in relationships. For instance, I don't state what I need and what I want and then you don't provide that. And then I get resentful because you should be knowing what I want and what I need.

And then what happens if it's big enough and bad enough, I just cut you out and I'm already I'm with you, but I'm already gone before you know I'm gone because I'm defending myself and that, you know, whole different varieties of that kind of thing. And what I learned is, you know, it's all these instincts that that that our literature talks about. Their instincts gone astray. I like that. It's a little kinder.

But they're they're I take defensive postures, you know, because my truster was a long time ago my truster was broken. So I take these postures that may be like a normal instinct and I take it either this way or that way to defend myself, you know, because, because I'm afraid and that's who I you know, that's I'm wired that way. I have a lot of fear. And, so that's why I do these things, you know, and I realize I don't state my case, like, I don't state what I feel or what I think and, out of fear of rejection. And, you know, rejection means then you're gonna leave and then I'm gonna be left alone and that's my bottom line fear, you know.

So there's all these patterns that I realize that I do that block me from me, block me from you, and block me from God. And they after a long book long inventory and the same thing coming up over and over and over again, you know, I need repetition because I can get in denial and justification and rationalization and, I see that I do these things. So I did this thing. I read this to somebody else. I had no intention of that blows me away that I told the truth about everything that I felt, you know, shame and fear and all those things about and the person looks at me and just Yeah.

That's what that's what we do, you know. But and I It blew me away, you know, because I think that's a first like, I felt like I entered the human race that day. That I told somebody what was really going what what I really did, you know. This is the truth. And they just shrugged their shoulders at me and said, yeah, would like let me share some things that I, you know, that I've done and and that that was that was it.

And I lived in this just fear of, you know, rejection, you know, that I wasn't gonna be able to tell you what was really going on and that changed me. That day, that changed me. There, I could tell the truth to another human being and I wasn't gonna get judged for it and I got unconditional love, that blew me away. And, you know, so I'm learning little by little how to tell the truth here and how to ask for help. But it's all these it's all like it can be big things or little things that I don't talk about, you know, and we it says in these rooms, we're as sick as our secrets.

All that little stuff, you know, that happens in everyday life. When it all gathers together and it keeps building for me, that's what I wanna check out. That's how this thing all relates back to food is because, I don't know, you know, I didn't know how to live life on life's terms. And, when something's not going I mean, my instincts are I wanna control people, places, and things. And when I can't do that, I get agitated.

And when I get agitated, I had an automatic response to check out. So I'm you know, I need to learn how to deal with life and, the 4th step and 5th step helped me. And then I get to look at my behavior, you know, and and and look at my behavior and it's so it was so hard for me to sit still and look at all those things, you know, that, you know, that that's how I had to cope and, and then ultimately take responsibility for him. But I have to say at the same time, well, I'll share a couple experiences with my 9th step which, you know, my understanding of the 9th step today is that, I get to take responsibility for my actions and, and try and just make it right. And the bottom line is to not repeat the behavior again for me.

And, for instance, I'm working, I just finished an 8 step and I'm, on in my 9th step, I have this amends to make to this this particular 9th step. I have an amends to make this one guy and then I have a lot of amends to make to me. And this one amends that I have to make to this guy, it's like just thinking about making this amends. I I almost 99% sure I'm not gonna repeat this behavior again because first of all, I do not wanna make this amends. It's I'm so uncomfortable already thinking about making the amends and I haven't I'm not even on my 9th step.

But, and this happened to me the first time around. I stalled on my 8th step because I got so afraid. Because it was my fear was based in, you know, what are you gonna think of me? Not let me set this straight and let me take responsibility for my behavior. And so, anyway, I have to I know I'm gonna make this amends, but, I did and I and I and just that, like, what a thing.

I don't think I'm gonna repeat this behavior, god willing. And And then I have a bunch of amends to make to myself, which are those things I told you or my patterns of what I do, you know, and and and I'm I'm looking forward to that. It took me a while that I was a fidgety for about 2 weeks because I I get my spouse has given me very clear cut instructions and about how to do this. And I on a card, I write who it's to, so is me, and then or if it's somebody else, I write their number, and I write exactly succinctly what the amends is. And so it or in an airport or something, so, you know, I'm I'm prepared.

But I was really squirrelly for about 2 weeks because it's still and I and I was talking to someone on an outreach call today and it just fascinates me. You know, I know I've had some time here that I realized that when I take these actions, I feel better, you know, and I am better and I get a chance to be present when I take these actions. I don't know which actions help me get present and which actions help me feel better. So, like, I need to do, you know, all the actions. But when I do them, I feel better.

And my resistance to doing them sometimes, it's it's still baffles me, you know. It's just like the food baffles me. Me sometimes not wanting to take the action to feel better sooner, it still baffles me, you know. But my experience is that pain or anxiety or fear usually is what needs to get me rolling. I'm looking forward to making these amends to myself because and and I'm instructed to, I schedule a time with myself and show up for myself and take time going through each one.

You know, because my my my MO is I get busy really quickly, so I don't have to feel. I don't have to eat today to, you know, check out and be disconnected from my emotions or my spirit. I can just get busy. And, it's pretty works pretty good until until I wipe out, you know, and and, for me, I've actually had that experience, you know. My body's always showed up for me in all kinds of ways and, then about 4 years ago my body wiped out.

And and that was, you know, God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. You know, I've learned in this program that it's a 3 we have a 3 pronged deal. And, I always addressed it physically, you know. And my my my friend and I, we talk about it. It's like, you know, like a and if you have more tripod you have one one of those prongs tumbling over, you know.

And so that's my check today. You know, like, if I'm tumbling over, I have to look. You know, it's physical, emotional, and spiritual. And by working these these these steps and taking these actions, it covers all those things. You know, I don't know how of myself to cover all those things.

So, you know, I just show up and keep doing the do. What else I wanna share about? So now I my experience is, because the way my head is wired and the buzz that goes on in my head all the time, I'm now aware of it. Like, I actually have moments now where I'm removed from the way this mechanism works. I wasn't before.

I had no idea. But, because of the way it works, I found that, you know, I need to stay up to date on what's going on. And and after doing those steps, I just talked about 4 through 9, you know, I get to be present. I get to be I get to see you, actually look at you in the eyes, you know, and have a have a chance of connecting with God. And so on a daily basis I do, need to check-in because some days I just go and I pack my day full because, you know, probably because I don't wanna feel something.

And then the end the day's over and, you know, I could just as well unconsciously kinda go to bed and and then stuff the way it works for me is it just gathers and gathers and gathers and then I get, you know, eventually, if I'm not looking at it, I get to some kind of breaking point and then I wanna snatch my well back and take care of it because the anxiety is up too high. So, it has helped me to sit do a a 10 step at night and the way that I do that is I usually write, 5 things of that I'm grateful for that I that went well that I did well today just to because my head is very, how would you call it? It's tough on me. And so it's a good way for me to start that way. And then, now I usually write my food down at night, and it's not a good day when I don't remember what I ate that day.

I mean, typically that's that, you know, I need to just get honest with what I'm eating in case I'm having trouble with my food. And then I get and then I write, I use those initials in the big book, RSDA just for me to see where am I resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid. For me, it pretty much boils down to those 4 things. If I'm having trouble in a day, it's mostly resentful and afraid. Those are the 2 things that I, can get a little unconscious about and minimize.

And and those are the things that creep up on me and, make me very rest restless and irritable. And so I get a chance to look at those things at night and then talk to my, you know, with my sponsor if, if if my writing doesn't, you know, help me with that. That has been really helpful for me because the concept of waking up in the morning, like, with a clean slate is so amazing because I used to wake up with, like, a private, like, dread of, like, how am I gonna do the day? I already felt obligated. You know, like, I already woke up with a sort of a negative sheet.

And, today that's not the case. Today I get to wake up and sometimes my dead head is going, but, you know, then I get to take action and do my little morning ritual, which gets me going and and it rewrites me. It reminds me today. I have such amnesia, you know. If I go away on a trip or a vacation, you know, I think I'm not a compostable overeater, you know, because I'm away from the rooms.

I'm in a different place. I should explore a little more, And, you know, somehow that I can think that means with food. And, so I need, you know, this it I'm just reminded. That's is not working for me anymore. And, I'm I'm smiling because it can be frustrating, for old behavior not to work anymore, but, you know, it's that thing of being caught, of going far enough along that there's no going back.

And and I'm really grateful for that. But, it's not always easy because, you know, change is is hard for me. And and, I'm very attached and very committed to old ideas, really old, old ideas. A lot of them that were never mine to begin with, but I adopted them and I stayed committed to them even when I went out on my own and I wasn't, you know, independent. So that's what I got to learn from my inventories that I have a lot of old ideas and a lot of old rules for me and for you.

And that gets me you know, it sets me up because if you don't follow the unwritten rule, I do that whole pattern that I talked about before, and it's a tough way to live. It's a really tough way to live. So, so anyway, I have a little, a way of doing for me to connecting with my higher power that is become very practical. And that's what the the big book says, you know, we should this connection should be very practical. I need a really practical connection with the power greater than me all day long, because I don't have any power to do all the things that I wanna do.

And, I found that very comforting and and a matter of fact now, I I I can't think of the last time I went without that because I can't go without that connection structurally in the morning and at night. I think back a long time and if I didn't do it, my day invariably is different. I'm struggling. I'm I'm in my willpower. Things aren't going right.

So, that's a commitment I have. I have a commitment just like any other I was taught this is a relationship. And just like any other relationship, I need to spend time practically with this power that I'm trying to, you know, trying to connect with. And I have a nice connection today and it's growing. And I have a lot less expectations and I am acknowledging how I put human limitations on my on my higher power.

And then I periodically get asked by my sponsor, you know, is my is my idea, my higher power, large enough to take me past where I am today? And sometimes I answer yes, and sometimes I answer no. And then I need to, you know, do appropriate things to get that back in check. So and the other key for me is I so get that I was not given this amazing gift to, you know, go off and do my deal. You know, I the only way I get to keep that is to give it back.

And, and and so I keep my hand in my sponsor's hand and I keep my hand in my sponsor's hand and that keeps me here. You know, otherwise, I'm floating back in my old ideas and and it and it causes me a lot of it causes me a lot of pain. So, I stay connected and I work with these women and it's a joy because, you know, invariably, I get to hear what I need, you know, on a daily basis working with these people. And I get to share just my experience, strength, and hope, and I don't have to come up with any great ideas. I just need to share.

You know, I don't think I've had that experience. You know, I learned that in these rooms. Oh my god. It's such a freeing thing to say, you know what? That's a good question.

Let's see if we can find out. I had such a sense of obligation before that I was supposed to somehow know the answer to something I hadn't had experience in. And so, it's very freeing and and it allows me just to be more authentic and just share my experience, strength, and hope. And, the fascinating thing about this thing is that we carry each other. You know, it doesn't matter.

We all have 24 hours and it doesn't matter, and we all get to show up and carry each other and just share what works for us and leave the rest and do what we what we need to do. And that it's it's it's an amazing way that this program works. What's more time do I have? Okay. So, let me just see if there's anything I wanna share about what's going on today.

Yeah. I, well, I feel like I'm pretty much I feel I feel pretty present today, you know. I, that's the gift of this program is that my instincts are to try and solve my own problems. And I'm a really I love problem solving. And it's a good thing, you know, professionally, but, it's not a good thing.

It's very my disease can get mixed in with my problem solving. And, what I'm learning on a daily basis today, particularly recently, is that I need to share about what's going on in the moment. Not go home, figure it out, and then come back and tell you guys last week I was going through this thing. You know, that's my that's my self sufficiency. And that's me cutting not just you out, but God out, you know, until the thing gets resolved and then I come back.

And that is this you know, I've dealt I've done that. This roller coaster ride of of doing that. And it just that's one of what I was referring to before one of my old behaviors that's not working anymore. And, it's, you know, it's great. It's as uncomfortable as it is.

It's great because it you know, I get to be human and I get to show my vulnerabilities today and that was not happening 9 years ago. And, yeah, I guess that's that's all I wanna share. So now do I read something here? Is it okay. So now it's time to take questions.

Anybody has any questions? Alright. Yeah. I really appreciate what you had to say about the night the night step stuff and, being, like, as a step point and how do you work past that? Like, the way you do it or can you explain a little bit more?

Like, do you write exactly what you're gonna say to this person on this card? Or or is there any way that you, like, get motivated to do these calls? Sure. The question is if I get stuck on my 8th or 9th or 9th step, what are what the actions I take to get myself rolling moving forward? Okay.

Well, since I definitely have this experience, what I've done more recently, as I said, as I can ask for more help, is I felt myself getting really squirrelly. And after a couple days of staying really busy, I realized that what this thing that I need to do was probably directly related to my squirreliness. So I made outreach calls, and I committed in my outreach call that I'm feeling this way and that I I'm gonna sit down, and I'm gonna I had to make about 3 calls before I felt fully committed to my commitment, that I'm gonna sit down and at least sit with it. You know, I don't know if I'm gonna finish it, but I'm gonna sit down and do it. And, through those outreach calls, I get to share my fear and other people could relate to me.

And there's this fascinating thing that happens for me when somebody else just can relate that I'm not the only one out there with this, which I think my head tells me I am. It did allow me. I just sat down and pretty much got to, you know, because working with my sponsor and my 6 and 7th through my 4th step, 5th step, 6 and 7, I pretty much knew what the things were. We talked about them back then. So it was just me sitting on and committing it to paper where my fear comes up because it makes it really real.

So I just sat down and I prayed. I saved the set aside prayer before I do any of this kind of writing. You know, God's let me set aside everything I think I know about the 8th step and the 9th step, that I might have an open mind and a new experience. And I sat down and and it they pretty much came out. You know, it pretty much all came out.

And and then I I was just getting over that initial part. And to answer your question, yes, I write specifically what I'm gonna say because long time ago with my writing, I can just go off and then I just get distracted. And I'm writing about stuff that's not what's driving me crazy. It's the thing like in a meeting where I talk, talk, talk. I'm like, the thing I don't want to talk about is this.

Now be the last thing I talk about, you know, because I hope the time runs out, you know, or something. Just that's the way. So anyway, right? Pretty it's usually a line or 2. And then my sponsor has me add on the bottom reminding me that it's about making it easy on them.

So the rest of that process is when I contact them, I ask them, do they wanna meet in person? Do they wanna do it over the phone? Or do they wanna it you know, can I contact them in writing? Because it's to it's not to make it uncomfortable for them, it's to make it easy on them. And then at the end, I asked, is there any other ways that I've harmed you that, you know, that I'm not aware of?

And I get to say that and listen, and that's that's how I was taught. So the question is that thing I was alluding to in the pit of my stomach, was the day I actually have a physical problem? 1. And then what's happened since that as time as I'm growing up here? No.

I didn't have a physical that I know of medically. A medical problem. But what's happened with that is I still get it. And I acknowledge today if because I've had so many over 8 years experience of eating in a somewhat structured way, When I'm feeling this thing, you know, an hour after I eat that I don't normally feel on a daily basis and and something's really up in my life, and I'm feeling anxious about something or I'm needing to do my 8th step or something like that. I just know my body now much better.

And I'm in much I was so disconnected from my body. Although I was a very physical person, I was very disconnected from my body, which is interesting. But, and my emotions that now as those things have integrated a little more, I know that that thing is fear or anxiety. And the only reason I know it was 9 years ago, I didn't know it. And then, know, I start to know it a little bit more just because I'm getting to know who I am, what I feel, what I think, what triggers I have like conflict, conflict, rage, disagreement, like all those things can make me feel that thing that put in my stomach.

Anxiety And they happen pretty quickly now. There's not that lag time that I had before like, oh, I feel that thing and I have no idea where that's that's from. And now because I'm pretty up to date with my stuff, I it can happen right away. So it's just by time, I think, is how I've figured that out. Yeah.

What does your morning ritual include? What does my morning ritual include? It includes first thing waking up, thanking God for this today. Then I do I do a little physical stretching just to get wake my body up to be present, to have this time to to just to be very conscious, not to be, you know, asleep, which thank you, God, mostly today. I don't have those hangovers either either with food or emotionally so much when I do my 10 step at night.

But then I, I say the 3rd step prayer, the 7th step prayer, and the serenity prayer. And, sometimes I can get if I'm going too fast and I didn't hear what I you know, it didn't connect with me, then I stop and slow down. It's a good reminder for me. Then I I have a prayer I pray for certain people who are on my prayer list. And then I sit.

I read 2 meditation books. And I usually there's usually something in those meditations, like the bottom, like, reminder for the day. I like to keep that in mind and kinda get conscious with it because it helps me through the day. If I'm having a crazy day and I can just stop, it's a good day when I remember what was at the bottom of the meditation book. You know what I mean?

Connecting, like, 1 hour to the other, and that can carry me through a day. And then I sit quiet still for whatever time, you know, allow me maybe, like, 10 minutes or so. And that's been a process. So I was trying to someone I talked to before about, it initially started with I do not I did not sit still well, you know. And so it started with, literally setting a timer for 30 seconds sitting still.