The Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to introduce tonight's guest speaker. His name is Jaimo, and he's from Jersey City, and he's gonna give us a really good talk tonight. My name is James, and I'm a recovered alcoholic. Who are you? Lack of Spongebob is not my dilemma.

It's funny when Mike bought this for me because I believe the Simpsons and Spongebob just make people happy. And he said, I was gonna wait for your 2 year anniversary, but I couldn't I couldn't wait. It looks like spandex SpongeBob underwear, but I I love it. Thank you, Mike. I say recovered.

I went to my, I go to Minnesota twice a year to see my grand sponsor, and we all meet up with the guys we sponsor. And I go there twice a year, and I asked him the question. I said, are we in recovery or we recovered? I already knew how what I believed in my heart. And he said, son, we gotta be crystal clear to people inside and outside Alcoholics Anonymous that we don't do this anymore.

And that made so much sense to me. He says, what's recovery mean? You just drink on Saturdays? So and, you know, the cool thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is you could be either one and we love you anyway. You know?

I got my a bookmobile up here. I don't know why I feel the need to do this, but I'm gonna do it. This is in our service manual on s one. It says our 12 step carrying the message is the basic service that the AA fellowship gives. This is our principal aim and the main reason for our existence.

Therefore, a is more than a set of principles. It is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message. Else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the the truth may die. I'm just gonna get these out of the way.

So this is problems other than alcoholism. It says sobriety, freedom from alcohol, through the teaching and practice of the 12 steps is the sole purpose of an AA group. Groups have repeatedly tried other activities, and they have always failed. So that's what this is about. This is about the teaching and the practice of the 12 steps.

I've been to I've been to a lot of treatment centers. I've been to a lot of rehabs. I can't my my poor father says I've been to 50 detoxes, and and and that's not the truth, but that's what I did to that man, for him to think that I've been to that many. Therapeutic communities, psych wards, jails, and I'd always come out I mean, I'd say by my 5th rehab, I really didn't want to do this anymore. You know, and I'd come out desperately desperately wanting a solution.

And I'm just gonna say my experience and how I viewed Alcoholics Anonymous when I walked into it. When I walked into it for years, I'd I'd stay in the meeting and I'd go home and my parents would ask me, my girlfriend would ask me, they would say, well, how was the meeting? And I'd say it was terrible. Everyone's miserable in AA. You know?

They're dine and whining, and I I just don't wanna do it no more. I mean and that's really the way I looked at Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you go to the meetings I go to, a lot of them ain't much different than that, you know. I was so blessed to walk into this group and to find people that had a solution to alcoholism. I mean, just because there's smoke doesn't mean there's fire.

There's a lot of AA meetings where people are sober, but they don't have a solution to alcoholism, you know. The last halfway house I was in, I love halfway houses, I love treatment centers, They've saved my life. I, probably in my the only time in my adult life that I found any kind of peace of mind was in a psych ward or a treatment center. And, this last halfway house, I started going to a meeting with a friend, and I deeply wanted to stay sober, but I was too terrified to ever ask anyone to be my sponsor, and they had a temporary sponsorship book. So me and my friend, Jack, both wrote our names in this temporary sponsorship book.

I know, right? You ready for it? 2 guys start walking towards me and Jack, and all I keep saying to Jack is, I hope the gay guy is not my sponsor. Of course, the gay guy is my sponsor today. The instrumental thing he did when he put his hand out to me, he says, how are you doing?

My name is Rick. Can I have your phone number? Thank god he took my phone number because I was way too scared and I was way too cool to ever call him. I went back to the halfway house. I said to my friend, I'll never call this guy.

And, 3 days later, he called me. When he called, there used to be a little old man who used to sit next to the phone at the halfway house, and he used to, like, just always sit there. And he, he'd always pick up the phone. And he said, Jamieson, it's your sponsor. I'd walk down the steps, I'd be like this, no.

No. No. No. No. And, and he said, alright.

You know, Jamieson's not here, and he hang up the phone. God bless him. 3 days later, he called again. He says he always gives every new guy 2 chances. And, the second time he called, the same little old guy was sitting at the phone and he starts calling for me.

He says, Jameson, it's your sponsor. I walk down the steps. I'm doing the same thing. I'm going, no. No.

I'm not here. This little old guy holds the receiver of the phone and he says to me, you can't stay sober. You're homeless and this guy wants to help you, and you won't talk to him. Spiritual experience number 1. I mean, I saw a truth right there.

This that was God speaking through that man. I mean, all the barriers went down and I spoke with him. And, Rick's still my sponsor today. I mean, he's an amazing man because I couldn't sponsor me. I mean, so we continued on and I remember the basket used to come around at that meeting at Hell's Kitchen at the meeting, and, he would say, Jay, I noticed when that basket comes around, you don't put no money in.

I I felt like saying, you stupid bastard. I'm homeless and I'm in a halfway house. Of course, I don't put no money in. I didn't say that. I, I said to him I said, Rick, I said, I'm homeless and I'm in a halfway house.

How am I gonna put any money in the basket? He said, how many packs of cigarettes you smoke a day? I said, 2 or 3. He said, you could put a nickel or a penny when that basket comes around because you ain't a visitor no more. You're a real member.

If you wanna have something to say in this group, you're gonna contribute to the fellowship that's gonna save your life. He had me. I mean, when he said about the cigarettes, I was like, you know, where did they get this stuff from? So I continued on with Rick and, that home group. I hated that home group.

My sponsor is still a member of that group. I loved him so much. He's just such a got such a contagious spirit, the man. But he used to tell me we need to grow where we're planted, and I I just really don't. I used to go home after that home group and just complain to my girlfriend crazy how I just hate the group, you know.

Rick was rather fast at me. He said, the first three steps when I did it with him, he said, are you powerless over alcohol? Is your life unmanageable? I said, yes. He says, do you believe something could help you?

I said, yes. He is like, are you willing to make a decision to do some work? I said, yes. He said, he has a pen and start writing inventory. I said, that's pretty mean.

I was like, you know Yeah. So that's how it went. I mean, I felt like I came of age in AA when I did my 5th step with him. The first I mean, if there was one thing I would change in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it's that illustration with the 3 frigging columns. He said, do it just like it says in the book.

I says, no problem. Well, it was a problem because I took so many months to write it. He actually got to the point, he said to me, listen. If you don't have it done by Saturday, I don't know what we're gonna do with you. And it kinda made me feel like if I didn't have it done by Saturday, this relationship was over.

So you know what I did? I stayed up till, like, 3 in the morning Friday night, and I finished writing it. I brought it over to him Saturday, and he's like, where's the 4th column? I said, 4th column? I said, I did it just like it says in the book.

He says, did you read on? I said, you damn right I read on. I said, Rick, you got to be a genius to figure out that there's a 4th column if nobody tells you. You know? But I did do my first 5th step when I'm and I was terrified.

I was terrified. I believed I did things that were just very bizarre and strange. I mean, when I run my you identify. When when I run my life on my will, the things I do ain't pretty, you know, and I was terrified. I mean, there's some things I'd even write on that inventory.

I just didn't write them. And I went to him and he started sharing some of his stuff. And, god bless him that he did because I would have never ever gave him the stuff. I would have never ever shared that stuff with him. I must have relapsed 6 times since Rick's been my sponsor.

And every time I relapsed, he always, welcomed me back and said, let's see how we could redouble our spiritual efforts. You know, he never have a judge me. A matter of fact, I don't know how many years he's been my sponsor, but I've only been resentful at him twice, and both times I've been drunk and high. One time I was trying to one time I was on codeine, and I had a guy in the doctor's opinion with me, and it was, yeah. But while I was relapsing and, keep coming in and out of AA, I was, me and my girlfriend broke up and I lived with her, and I lost my job and I had no money.

And I, I went to live in New Jersey with a friend, and I lived in his basement, and I hated him. I mean, I don't know if it's a friend, just a guy I knew, and I hated the guy, and I lived in that basement, and I was going to AA meetings, and I, I just didn't wanna live no more. I couldn't talk to Rick because I had zero money. I had no job. I had no relations with any AAs.

And I started going to meetings over here, and I thought I hated the meeting my old home group. I really hated the meetings where I was now. I mean, I'd go in the meetings and say, these people are just as sick as me. And, so one night, the guy was living with was going to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Now, the only thing I hate more than Alcoholics Anonymous is Narcotics Anonymous.

And he said, would you like to go to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting? And I really didn't wanna go, but I said, what the hell? And this is the loving hand of God again. I, I went to that NA meeting, and the guy who was up at the podium, he says a lot of people say the only step you gotta do right is the first one. He says, all the first step means is you're screwed.

And when he said that, I knew I had to talk to that man, you know. And I went right up to him and I said, you're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, aren't you? And he says, you know what? I am. And I let him know that I was, you know, I didn't know what to do.

And he said, you know, there's this new meeting in, West Orange, and it's gonna be starting. Would you like to come to it? I said, I'd love to come to it. He handed me 2 CDs. He handed me a CD of a guy named Earl H, and a guy named Chris R.

I listened to Earl H first because that's more of an interesting name. And I listened to this, the CD, and it was just so refreshing. I mean, what a what a incredible story, what a beautiful recovery, and I wanted that. When I put the Chris Ahr CD in, it was it skipped every 3 seconds it would, like, go blip blip blip. And when I put that on, the way he pounded my hopelessness to me, I cried when I listened to that CD, and I didn't sleep for 3 days.

I never knew what it meant to be alcoholic. You know? I definitely knew what happens because I am an alcoholic, but I never knew what it meant to be alcoholic. And a lot of people say, the truth will piss you off, but then it'll set you free, something like that. That wasn't the case for me.

When I heard that and I realized my first step that I was hopeless, and that there was a solution through these 12 steps and having a spiritual awakening, I was so relieved, I can't explain the the relief I had when I heard that. So I started going over this guy, Sean's house, once a week for an hour, and we started on the title page of the big book. The only thing is that I was very very sick, and I didn't have time to go for an hour every week from the title page page of the big book, you know. And I told him, and I said, Sean, I we've been doing this for 3 weeks, and I'm dying. I I need to move faster.

He said no problem, you know, and I started writing inventory. I got to amends. When I got to amends, I made like 2, and I stopped, and I spent more time complaining about people in AA than worrying about my spiritual life. You know, I, if you weren't talking about God in the steps, I judged you. I mean, resentment is the number one offender.

The way I I mean, when I'm resenting someone, I'm hurting me, but I never really put those dots together back then. And I, I drank again. And, the funny thing when I was in you give an alcoholic a little bit of knowledge with no experience is a dangerous thing. I was in the I was in the detox, and speakers would come up, and I'd be telling him, no. You got this all backwards, buddy.

I'm like, you gotta you gotta I mean, this poor fellow once said, you know, wait wait a year to go through the steps, and I just shut him down in the detox, and this is a man who's taken, an hour out of his night to come up and share his experience with us and, you know, so that's what I did. Before I got here and before I even ever met Rick, I, I remember one night I was, I drank like a liter of of, vodka and I was doing a lot of other things and I stole my uncle's Lincoln Town Car. I stole his, Lincoln Town Car and I remember just saying, God I wanna die. God, I wanna die. God, I wanna die.

And I pulled over on the turnpike, and I just kept saying, God, I wanna die. God I wanna die, and I ran into traffic. A car hit me, broke both my wrists, both my elbows, and a gash in my head. After that hit me, all I remember saying is, God, I wanna live. God, I wanna live.

The insanity of that is, I had a car running on the shoulder. I get the guy kept driving, and I got up, and I walked back to my my uncle's house, and I left the car. When I got back in the house, I wasn't gonna go to the hospital, and and then my other uncle came from down the shore, and he brought me to the hospital. And God bless the families that are here, the mothers, the wives, the uncles, the aunts. Every scrape I ever got in, my uncle was there for me.

He, I don't know what to say and I talk I I was talking to him a couple days ago, and I wanted to let him know how much I love them, You know? Because for so long, every rehab, not every rehab, but most rehabs I ever got in and, detoxes, he's the man who drove me, and he's the man who would send me cigarettes, and he was the man who gave me money. That time I, still wanted to kill myself after that, and I remember putting my poor mother who to bring me to the psych ward, and she drove me to the psych ward. And my mother, I remember washing me up while I was in the psych ward and her just crying. And, when I was in that psych ward, I was so relieved that I was in the psych ward.

And they gave me a 3 day evaluation. Yes, Cindy. You know the deal? They gave me a 3 day evaluation, and they said, well, you're not insane. You're an alcoholic and a drug addict.

You know, we can't help you until you stop doing those things. And I said, so does that mean I have to leave? And they, the lady said, yes, you have to leave. I said, but I'll kill myself. She said, no, you won't.

And I cried, and I cried getting kicked out of the psych ward because I knew I'd drink, you know, I knew I'd drink again. When I drink I can't control the way I drink, And when I stop drinking, I don't know when I'm gonna start again. I mean, I had this just to share a story about my loss of choice when it came to alcohol. I had a guy I was in a detox with and we were roommates for like, I don't know. I must have been there 10 days this time.

And we were talking about recovery, and I said, I really wanna do this. I mean, I really wanna do this. He says, great. I got I got plenty of money. I got a car.

I got a place to live. He's like, I'll pick you up when we get out of here, and we can go to AA meetings together. So I got out and I was staying at my girlfriend's house because I didn't have a place, and he comes to pick me up. He throws $2,000 on the floor. He says here's $2,000 and he throws it on the floor.

And he says, there's a girl waiting for us at the ball. If you don't have a place to stay, you could stay at my house, and, we're gonna get get drunk. Now those are 4 4 of my favorite things. I don't have to be responsible. He'll let me live in his house.

He's given me free money. He's given me booze, and there's a girl that wants to be with us. Well, the car was moving away. I said, please let me out, and he kept driving, and I jumped out of the car while it was moving. I went back in my girlfriend's house, and I went on one of the bunk beds, and I just couldn't stop crying.

I just couldn't stop crying. The next day I woke up and I walked right to the bar and I drank. How do you explain that? Every part of me wanted not to drink, but I drank again. I mean, for so long I thought I can come out of my alcoholism just not wanting to drink.

I mean, my father I mean, my father is the model hard drinker. My my dad drinks. I mean, he even does drugs, like, twice a year, and he stops at 9 o'clock. He says, look. Just stop at 9 o'clock.

And I remember every time I'd come back from detox, he'd say, you can drink, just don't do the other things. You know? And I really I really wanted to do that, but and and it didn't work. So I thought, you know, me not wanting to drink would be good enough, and I mean, I had not I had that feeling of not wanting to drink for years. What?

Am I gonna have a strong and not want to drink this time? I mean, it's just not a solution. I love this saying, and it's a it's kind of a paradox, and it just really put the powerless thing in perspective for me. There's nothing you can do to keep yourself sober. The second thing is you better act like you don't know the first thing.

If I think I have power, choice, or control while I'm drinking or while I'm not drinking, if I decide if I drink or not, I'm not powerless. I remember I had this sponsor of mine came up to me and he said to me, he said, no. No. He said, look at the look at the steps. He says, it says we were powerless over alcohol.

It's past tense. It means not no more. And I said I said, oh, shit. He's got me. And I was thinking about it, and I really I did.

I said, Dale, you got that one. There must be a glitch in the program. And I called my sponsor, and I says I I says, Rick, do you know it says we were powerless over alcohol? He says, of course it does, Jay. He goes, all the steps are in the past tense because they're steps of experience.

I mean, I I wouldn't have known how to answer that and that's the truth, you know. It's taken me 29 years to do my first step. A friend of mine who's in this room relapsed, and he went to a group and they said to him, you gotta do a better first step. He's like, I just drank this Saturday. You know, I mean, how do you get better than that?

You know? You know, my I remember the first time coming at the second step, and I used to tell my sponsor that I didn't I didn't believe in a god. And he said, well, pray anyway. I said, pray anyway. He said, yeah, pray anyway.

He said, God's so powerful. He can come meet you at the conception of nothing. And I started praying to nothing, you know. In my second step today, I have an incredible willingness to be wrong, you know, and it shows up all the time, and I really try to be open minded about that. I mean, I mean, I think in we agnostics, it's just paste it with the word prejudiced, and all my life I've been so prejudiced.

I mean, it's so funny. I wouldn't if you would've asked me years ago, if I think I'd have a a middle aged gay man from Minnesota to be my spiritual leader, I would say to you, no. You know, and I was willing to believe. I was willing to believe that there was something bigger than me, you know, and that's how I started. And, I think we agnostics is such a beautiful chapter because it always just keeps talking about changing your mind, you know, to change.

And, when I I like how Carrie says, you know, our idea didn't work, but the God idea does. You know, she pointed that out to me in the book, and I'm like, that's cool. You know, that's real cool. And my 3rd step is I've got to be convinced that my life ran on my will can't be a success. I figured how it exactly says it in the book.

It says something beautiful, and it's helped me so much with resentment. It says, any life ran on self will can hardly be a success, not just alcoholics. It says, any life. So when people are running their lives, not only do they hurt themselves, they hurt me too. And that's really helped me when I've looked at resentments from that angle.

The guys I sponsor, when we get to the 3rd step prayer to affirmation of that step, I ask them to hold my hands. The reason I do that, I tell them, is because it makes them uncomfortable. And it's funny, and when I say something like that and you say something like that to some to somebody, it's amazing how they stop thinking about themselves right away. You know? My, my 4th step was ridiculous.

I mean, the pettiness yeah. Mike heard it, so that's why he's laughing. It was just the the petty things that we just eat in my lunch, you know, the things I could not shake. I, I, resentments is the number one offender. When I forgive someone, I'm not forgiving them for them.

I'm forgiving them to set myself free. And when I set myself free by default, we both get set free. You know? I'm reading this book called Being Nobody Going Nowhere. And I was, I'm at this coffee shop next to my house, and I got this book and it's on the table and it's upside down, and this beautiful corporate woman sits right next to me at my table.

That never happens. She she she says to me, what are you reading? I flipped the book over, and she says, being nobody going nowhere. And she gets up, and she walks right away from me. I got notes, damn it.

I forget what book this is but Don Miguel Ruiz also wrote it. It's non conference approved but it's something about fear and love and I think it's just so beautiful. Love has no expectations. Fear is filled with expectations. Love has no obligations.

Fear is filled of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligation, we feel guilty. Love has respect not only for others, but also for ourselves. Fear respects nothing, including itself.

When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not respect you. Love is patient, Fear is impatient. Love does not pity. Fear is filled with pity, especially with self pity.

Love is detached. Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go. Love is kind. Fear is too self involved to be kind. It's funny when I came to this group, I think it was George, and I came in the group, I said to my I said to I think it was George, I said, you know, I really wanna kill myself.

And he says, great. He says, because there's nothing in between you and your God. You know, then there was another man at the Barrow mansion. He was telling me, if you walk through your fears, they'll go away. No.

I mean, if I they that's that's my experience, but if you don't walk through your fears, you will go insane, you know, and I have a God today that I could walk through those fears. I've been walking through the dark for 30 years, and I'm still scared of the dark. So I don't think we could practice our fears and get rid of them, like fear of financial insecurity. You can give me more money, it doesn't treat that. You know, the only thing that treats that is a relationship with God.

You know, my 6th step is not so much a state of doing, but a state of being. It's like when you get your attitude in the right place, it's amazing how you're ready. I mean, I can't bring my own surrenders upon myself. I can't will my spiritual growth. A friend of mine, Lisa, says something funny about surrender.

She says, if 2 countries are going to war and they all dress up and they get in their war gear and they get their swords and they run at each other, one of the countries ain't just gonna stop and say, whoop, I surrender. I believe a lot of times we have to take those beatings, you know, to grow. I had a behavior of mine that was just that I struggle with. I really struggle with. And I called, called my friend, and I said, lack of power is my dilemma with this.

And he said, no. It's not. He says, you know, you have more power than you could ever imagine. You know, look at your life. You just don't want to walk through the pain and be uncomfortable.

If I keep practicing selfishness, of course, it's going to be there, you know. And I've been abstinent from that behavior for a little while now, and it's quite a trip. I've been feeling God and that loneliness, and some nights I cry, you know, because I ain't filling it up with that. I have a painful awareness. Yeah.

And if you think you could fix yourself, go fix yourself. I mean, I've been trying it for years. One of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in Alcoholics Anonymous was God helps those who help others. And the guy said, No, he doesn't. You've been trying to help yourself all your life and look where it's got you.

God helps those who help other people. When you reach out to someone else, God reaches out for both ears. The perspective change I had when I heard that was life changing. In my 7th step, I'm bringing everything to God. You know, I used to have a beef with therapy, and I don't know why, when it's just another, I think, tool with our steps.

I mean, just to dig a little deeper. The only confusion is it doesn't treat alcoholism. My, 7th step to be humble means to know I'll never be perfect, You know, and, I'm reading a book, and it's talking about attachments, and it says it's from an old European root. I I don't know what that root is, but it says that attachments mean the things you're bonded or nailed to. And it just gave me such a different perspective of things in my life that I'm nailed to.

I asked my father, I heard a speaker tape, and I heard this guy say, well, you know, if you're having problems locating your character defects, defects, get your father, get your mother, get someone you work with, get a couple of friends, invite them over, and say, I'm having a problem finding out my character defects, could you let me know? I heard that and I said, I'll try that. So I figured who's the most cynical, straightforward man I know, and that's my father. He's got it's funny, he's like a spiritual gangster. He's got like these bumper sticker one liners from I said to him, I said, so dad, what do you think my character defects are, but you can only give me 5?

And without blinking it, I mean, I I couldn't believe it. And the perspective from someone who's not alcoholic is very different than ours. He'd even blink an eye and he said, the first one is, you can't stay sober. He says, the second one is using the information you learn in a practical way, and the third one is communication, and that's all the character defects you have. I mean, it was refreshing to look at that because I never ever got any of those character defects from anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I think they're all valid.

You know? The 8th step. I don't believe we get free in the 9th step. I believe we get free in the 8th step. You know, when we have that willingness, we're already set free.

In the 9th step, we get to help other people get set free, to loosen their hearts, you know, for the bondage we put them in. You know, what I've done to my family is just terrible. I'm gonna tell my Billy Madison story. I told it here last time when I spoke for 10 minutes. I like it.

Last time I told it, no one else seemed to like it. I had an amends with this chubby kid I used to beat up in, like 4th grade, and I said to my sponsor, I don't need to make this amends. He's over it. I'm just gonna bring up stuff from the past. I'm gonna hurt his feelings.

And he says, no. No. That's a Billy Madison's amend. I said, what the hell is a Billy Madison amend? He said, you ever see the movie Billy Madison?

I said, yeah. I I did see the movie. He says, At the end of the movie Billy Madison used to beat up a kid in grade school, and Billy Madison calls him up on the phone and tells the kid from grade school, you know, I just want to try to set that right. I'm sorry about beating you up in high school. The kid pulls out a list that says people to kill, and he takes Billy Madison's name off the list.

You guys seem to like it this time. A few months ago, I was praying for a sex ideal because my old one I outgrew, and nothing was coming to me. And I'm saying I'm just telling everybody, you know, I'm praying, nothing's coming. I don't know what to say. And, you know, when sponsors used to tell me that, I'm like, well, you're not really praying.

And I really wasn't, nothing was happening. And I went over to my sponsor's house, and I told him, you know, I deeply wanna rewrite a sex ideal, you know, so I could fit myself to what God would have me be. And he pulled out a book. He says, I got something just perfect for you. It's amazing that I'm praying.

I'm saying nothing's coming. And he pulls us out of a book called Living in Sin. And, I use this now. And I'm gonna read it because I think it's profound. I could have never came up with this.

I mean, number 1. The sexual relationship between single adults must be just that, a relationship between single adults. It must not be a violation of either person's marital bond. If one's marital vow is broken by a sexual affair, that affair becomes an expression of dishonesty and will finally be destructive to both the marriage and the character of the violating person. Number 2, a sexual relationship between single adults must be a union of love and caring, not just a union of convenience and desire.

I'm going to stop there just for a second on 2. All my relationships with women and all my life were always based on convenience and desire. They weren't based on love and intimacy. I went out with women. I went out with a girl for 3 years I couldn't stand talking to, and and when she finally I had to be removed from that relationship, and I and I couldn't stand her.

And it's I love a quote a guy from Colorado says. He says, everything I learned about women, I learned from men who know nothing about women, and that's that's pretty much everything I learned about women was in bars, in shooting galleries, in in the park selling drugs. I mean, yeah. Number 3. A sexual relationship does not appropriately appropriately initiate a relationship.

Rather, a sexual relationship must grow out of the bond that 2 people build together over a period of time. Sex is not properly shared until many other things are shared, such as time, values, life stories, friendship, communication, and a sense of deep trust and responsibility. In other words, sex is not appropriate until there is a structure that will protect each person's vulnerability. 4. Intimacy is by its nature an intensely private and discreet human activity.

Appropriate vulnerability requires that it must be kept that way. If both partners are not willing to protect the vulnerability of the other, the relationship becomes hurtful, hateful, and destructive. The sacred exclusive quality of those special moments cannot be compromised by gossip, by indiscretion, or even after the relationship has come to an end, by an expression of one person's anger, the unwillingness to make this commitment or to carry through on it once made would argue that the relationship was built on the power of ego needs and not the vulnerability of personhood. There's a lot more stuff on this, but it just spoke so much to my heart. I keep remember saying to my sponsor, I was praying for weeks and God wasn't giving me nothing.

I got more lists. My 9th step. I don't know how people come up here and remember all that stuff. I was saying to my mom, it's all the drinking and drugs, that's why I'm so burnt. And she said, sweetie, you've always been burnt.

The first amends I made was one that was just eating me up. The guilt the guilt I had from it, I mean. My uncle Kenneth, the one I was telling you about pulled me out of every scrape and just, I mean, practically saved my life. And, my grandfather passed away and I stole his credit card, and I charged $10,000 on it. My uncle paid that.

I told him don't pay it. He said, but you'll go to jail, and he paid it. I'm responsible for that. My uncle paid that because he loved me. So when I first got when I first got sober, I didn't have a job and I didn't have much money.

And I and I used to work for my uncle once a month and he used to pay me a $100 when I worked for him for that day. And I said when I approached him, I said, uncle Ken, I I don't have money, but I work for you once a month, and you give me a $100. You know, that money I robbed from you, can you, can you take once a month that $100 and put it towards the $10,000 I owe you? And he says, sure, but let's see you do it. You know, when I It's been a long time and I've been doing that, and I also send the money now.

But the gift of that is not that I get to pay the money back, but that I get to have a relationship with my uncle that I never ever had before. My, second one was to my brother. He was locked up in prison for 5 years, and I was not much of a brother. My brother was locked up for 5 years, and I, barely sent him any money, any letters, maybe visited him three times. And my brother has always been a better brother than me, and I'll say this on tape, better brother to me than I've been to him.

You know? When I came to him, I had like a Christmas list when I came when I walked to him, and I said, you know, Jay, I'd like to to talk to you about some things. I'm trying to do this step in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'd like to try to get the books to square with you. And he looks at me, he just shakes his head, he's like, I really don't give a shit about that. He's like, I love you, and he's like, please just do something nice for mommy and daddy.

And I'm gonna talk about amends for a while, but almost every time I've made amends to somebody, they always want me to do something for somebody else. If you wanna see the hand of god in amends and the humanity and how much love peep people really have in their hearts, that's where I've seen that. I mean, I've been split open like a cantaloupe in amends. I just can't I can't believe it. But my brother's drinking and drugging now.

He's a funny guy, and he says to me, you know how I, like, kind of said, don't worry about that amends? He's like, you know, maybe we could try to work that out again. And I will do that in the future, and amends is about change, and I have changed, and I believe I'm a I believe I have integrity in the relationship with my brother, you know. Whatever my brother asked me, the first thing I do to before I answer him or do it is go to prayer. And I feel it'll be perfect in spirit and I don't have to worry about it.

This next amends, while I was sober, I beat up my uncle's drug dealer. Yeah. My uncle's crippled. He's paralyzed from IV drug use. He got an abscess in his spine that ate away his nerve or column, and he can't he can't really move too much, we think.

Yeah, I know. So he was paralyzed for a long time. He couldn't really move, and I used to go over and I used to help clean up his apartment. And while I was cleaning up, his drug dealer just walks in the house. And I put my hand out and I say, you can't just be walking in this house like that.

And he says, get your hands out of my face. And I punched him. When I punched him, we dragged the fight outside, we started fighting, and, it finally got broken up. And I knew my behavior was so poor, and it's just not the way I want to be living. And I beat myself up for it like crazy.

And I knew the only thing I could do was to approach this man and see what I could do to make that right. You know, there's no excuse for my behavior. So I'm painting the stoop a few weeks later, and who comes on the bike? Slick. I mean, his name is Slick.

When your name is Slick, you gotta know you're a little dangerous. So, Slick comes down, he's on his bike, and he's coming to my uncle's house, and I make a prayer, and I said, God, I don't know what to do. And it says, you know, just go make that right. And I and I walk over to him, and I said, Slick, you know, I wanna let you know I was wrong about what I did, and if there's anything I could do to make that right. And he goes back like this, and he goes like that to me, and I flinch because I thought he was gonna hit me, and he puts his hand out to shake my hand.

And he says it ain't no big thing brother. The next one is I stole 2 bowling balls from country lanes bowling alley 15 years ago. I went in and I said, can I please speak with the manager? And they said, well, the manager is really busy. Could you wait?

I said, no problem. I wait about 10 minutes. The lady says, can I help you? I says, I don't think so. Another 5 minutes goes by.