The Bayhouse in Collegeport, TX

I'm Ivan. I'm a recovered cocaine addict. I hate these things. You know, first of all, I'd like to thank the recovered group for being a great host and, inviting me to come out here and, share part of my story with you. Love the fellowship here.

You know, you want to talk about some growing pains? This group is so far much more advanced than the groups that were in, in Austin when I got there And I love it. I love the unity, camaraderie, the fellowship. It's beautiful. That better?

Okay. Thanks. You know, so, You know, I was, I was at a meeting last week and, I was talking to my sponsor and and I had got it invited to go speak in in, in Laredo last Saturday. And I was, I think it was, like, Wednesday night and I get a phone call and they said, you know, this guy was supposed to come speak in San Antonio Friday night, and he's not coming. Can you come?

I feel like now, you know, I'm like some kind of designated person, you know. Because I travel all over and it's like, yeah. Okay. I'll go. You know, whatever.

But, so, you know, I go down there Friday night and and I share my story and, you know, small group as well. You know what? And I see these groups and I see the fire and I see what what's going on in in the fellowship and and I see what what what the power of God is doing in these people's lives and and it just it warms my heart because, you know, when you're growing up in in CA, in Austin, you know, when I when I got there, you know, my sobriety date is 21398 and I don't like sharing that at all at a meeting. You know, that's my sobriety date and and and I'm grateful for God and I'm grateful for the grace and the love that he's cared for me and and for the times that I don't wanna accept it, I I love it. But, you know, for for growing up in a fellowship in Austin and seeing how how much struggle and the big book talks about this burden that that we wanna carry carry the fellowship and carry other people and and sometimes it's it's not healthy to do those things but you have this drive, you want you wanna succeed, you want fellowship to grow because the book says create the fellowship you crave.

And sometimes, you know, you you you fall between the cracks and and the meeting goes dark and and and things start to happen and you start doubting the power of God and then you start doubting your faith. And and what I wanna talk about tonight is I wanna talk about three things. I wanna talk about love. I wanna talk about faith. And I wanna talk about hope.

Because these are the three things that they gave me when I walked into the fellowship. See, at the age of 69, I was physically abused and raped, and and I did not quite understand why that happened to me, you know, but it happened more than once in in in that period from 6 to 9. And and when when these things started happening to me, I didn't realize that that I could succeed, I didn't realize all my dreams and everything that I thought it could happen to me was taken away by these simple acts by a sick man. You know, and and I realized today that all these things were were like a building block, the stepping stones to to have a relationship with God. Everything that's happened to me in my life has happened for a reason.

Some of it selfishly on my part, but it's happened for a reason because I get to grow from it, and I get to experience the loving and caring grace of a God that has blessed me whether it's in my perception, in in in my determination whether a good experience or a bad one and and to me, there just is. It's just about love. See, because I was reading this book and it and it tells me that if I don't do actions out of love, I do them out of fear. One of the biggest fears that I have when when I come up to speak is that I'm gonna be speaking and then all of a sudden I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom. Now I'm gonna say, you know, you I'll be right back.

Yeah. Or I'm just gonna have to hold it in it. You know how hard it is when you're trying to hold it? You know, Remember when you when you were drinking and and you're you're pounding them and and you're driving and you don't wanna stop, you don't wanna pull over, you you just hold it and it's kinda hard to drive and and take a drag and it's like that, you know. It's like you're gonna be speaking like this the whole time.

It's like, you know. It it it's so funny but, you know, that that's that's one of the things that that I fear and it's it's constantly on my inventory. Why is it there? And then do I have this thing that they're gonna ask me to speak all the time and all of a sudden that one time? You know, for some reason, what it was like for me was that the first time I took a drink, the first time I took a hit off a joint, the first time I popped the pills, the first time I took my first line, the first time I I free base cocaine, the first time I did all these things, something happened to me internally.

Something that I didn't quite understand but I loved the effect produced by it. I love what it made me feel and the things that it made me do afterwards. See, I'm a sick individual and once I put this into my body, for some reason, I get a little bit sicker. But in my mind, I get better. See, in my mind, I think that it that that everything has changed and and that's that was my solution.

You see, when I'm blinded, you see, I I understand now when the book says how blinded were we because it start it's it's it starts to make sense to me how once how blind I was, you know, and I look at it and there's this guy in the fellowship and and his name is blind Dave and and you'll sit there and you'll quote the book verbatim. He's blind and I approached him one time, we were out in Kerrville and I said, I want to share this experience with you because I want you to tell me how it feels in your heart. I want you to tell me how it feels inside and I'm gonna share this and I'm gonna try to be as visual and and as and as detailed so that you can tell me what you see. And I shared it with him and he said, wow. What a beautiful experience I had.

Said you were so detailed. You were so visual that I could actually see it. See, that's how my faith with god is today. I can actually feel it and see it. How do I see it?

I see it in every one of you. Because the book says deep down inside, there's a fundamental idea of God that might be obscured by pomp, by calamity, by worship of other things, but it is there. See, when I came into the program, I looked. It wasn't there. How could I have survived if I didn't have any faith when I came in?

See I was one of those that came in atheist agnostics and I said to myself I have no faith. Look at your own experience, Book says I was living by faith and nothing else. Must not been the one that I could identify with. It wasn't the one that you could identify with me. Wasn't the one that that is is somebody that's that's talking about God in their life.

It was just some kind of faith. I didn't know what it was though. I didn't know that I could build on it. You see, the the whole thing about this this program is is that, yes, I have faith but what am I gonna do with it? What action am I gonna take?

This is the book. It outlines the action that I need to take to have a deep and effective spiritual experience. This this is the the the text that's gonna show me how to have a relationship with God, how to build on that faith and and for me when I came in is how can you build on a faith that I don't even know that is there? How can I build on that? You know, how can I love somebody if I can't love myself?

What kind of hope can I give somebody? What kind of hope do I have? See, when when I started looking at these three things, these are the three things that that are very evident in my life today because I have them. I'm aware of them. I experience them daily.

See, the hope that I have today is that is that I can reach somebody. The hope that I have today is that God will be evident in my life in a way that I can see him, that I can feel him, that I can touch him. See, today, I have hope. See, I was hopeless when I came in. See, cocaine did with me what it was supposed to do with me.

And for as long as it wanted to do with me, it did it to me. You think at at that point, when when when I'm hitting, you know, I'm sometimes jealous. My first inventory had jealousy on it because I've never got to smoke crack because in Mexico, you know, I'm from Mexico and then then you get powder. You got kilos and and bags and this and pills, you got everything else. Ain't nobody gonna sit in some room and start cranking up, start making some rocks, you know.

So we did this thing called freebase down there. I loved it. You know, and and I I wasn't privileged to go into the local head shop down in the corner and picking up some nice pipes and some nice, you know, Brillo and this and that and none. And you just take it some poke some holes in a can and and smoke it. You know, that's the way that's the way I smoke.

Most of what I did was, you know, up my nose and and the pills up pills. Anything that the pharmacy has, I took. Any of you familiar with Mexico? You just go in and, you know, you don't need a prescription. They'll give it to you.

For hypnose, Xanax, roaches, any Darbins, whatever you want. See, but when I came into the program and I looked at all my experiences and I looked at everything that I had done and I saw this tornado like the book says, and I came in and I said, you know, I really haven't done anything wrong. I really haven't hurt anybody. All I've done was destroy myself. See, I had to look at these things and the book says I had to fearlessly look within, You know, a moral inventory.

You know, that that's one of my favorite lines in the book because I go to a lot of meetings and and I hardly ever hear anybody talk about morals. The book says, this is a book, it's gonna be moral and spiritual. There's a 4 step that says I'm gonna write a moral inventory. What about these morals? What kind of morals do I live by today?

You know? Do I live by the morals that were entrusted on me by my parents? Do I live by the morals that were given to me by society? Do I live by the morals that my friends give me? What kind of morals do I live?

Am I still living under the shadow of somebody else? Am I still living behind somebody else's is is is motives and this and that? No. Am I living with this power that God has given me to do anything that I wanna do? You know, why am I still so afraid to do things?

Why am I still so, you know, short changing my life? See, and this all happened before I came into the fellowship. See, the the the two things that that I gotta know, and this is from the bottom of my heart, and I am crystal clear that once I put anything anything anything into my body, it's gonna react a certain way and I'm gonna lose all control. And the first thing that's gonna tell me is that I have a choice whether I'm gonna put it into my body or not. That is the first thing it's gonna tell me.

And once I put it into my body, it's gonna set up this reaction. This reaction is gonna overcome anything else that I wanna do in my life. Anything that's important, anything that's that's there is gonna disappear. God does not take away anything from me. I destroy it myself.

He will sit there and look at me and say, when are you coming? When are you coming? When are you coming? And I'm gonna just boom boom boom destroy it until it's gone. See, I don't have that kind of a god.

I don't have a judgmental god and I don't have a god that takes stuff away from me. I have a loving, caring god. And you see, in in in in these two things, I can understand that when they threw at me this little curve that said I have the spirituality, I have this this soul sickness It's in the pit of my stomach that's destroying everything I touch. It's destroying it from the inside out. How am I gonna get this out?

How am I gonna expel this this disease that the book talks about? And and I was baffled. Just like how it works, you hit it you hear it at every meeting, cutting, baffling, and powerful. Do I stand a chance? Do I stand a chance?

And you see every time that I got high, I said to myself, I have a chance And every time I came down, I said, well, I made it back. See, I have a friend of mine that's in the penitentiary, and he was one of the first guys that I met in a in a CA meeting and and he was sitting there and and I came in and and and and he was around, like, 2 years before I got there. And and and then, you know, you you you kinda nurtured me and brought me through and walked hand by hand and and we had a lot of experiences together. We did a lot of things. We we did step work.

We did a lot of stuff, and you went on a run. And I and I wrote him a letter and I asked him, when you went on this run, what were you thinking? I'm just gonna get a rock. I'm gonna go back to the room and smoke it. That's all I thought.

I'm just gonna go get this and go over here to stop the chatter in the head, to stop the madness that I've created, to check out. See, but the thing that I understand today from these people's experiences is that you don't know where it's gonna take you. You don't know what's gonna happen. The lucky ones? I don't like that word.

The ones that are graced by God will make it back. The ones that that God says, you know, it's time to go home. He's gonna take home. You know, I have a friend of mine that that he was he was a little kid and and he didn't get abused like I did, but he would get beaten by his dad. And I remember waking up in the morning, and he would break into my house, and he'd be laying on the carpet next to my bed.

And we took these 2 different paths. See, I I I went to school and and I did stuff and I got kicked out and I had a job at, you know, like the book says, a promising career ahead of me. You know, I would manage with the utmost of of, you know, like Bill's talks about these enterprises, you know, with the utmost assurance, and I would have these great things. I fancied myself a leader, the word fancy, you know. Why not just a leader?

That's what you are. Why do you have to fancy yourself 1? See and and and I sit there and and his his journey went this way and mine went this way and now he's in the penitentiary for 10 years. He hasn't been out since he's been 21. 10 years in the penitentiary.

And he writes me these letters, and he tells me that I'm his only friend and why I keep writing to him. He wants to know why I keep sending him money. Why am I the only one that cares about this guy? Because I see myself in him. I see myself as this this scared little boy running away from everything with nowhere to go and breaking into my house and and waking up next to me.

See, that's how my life was. That's that's what it was like. See, all I wanted to do was I just wanted to stop, but I couldn't stay stopped. See, what happened was I overdosed and I went to treatment, and I had no idea what treatment was gonna do for me. You know, what I tell the guys that that come to talk to me and I said the only thing treatment did to me was it took me out of a situation for 30 something days and allowed me to think straight like the book says.

Have I don't have anything against treatment. The treatment is not my solution. Treatment will allow me to see that there is a solution. Treat me is gonna is gonna mess me up, me, personally, because it's gonna show me a lot of things that I do not wanna see and it's gonna show them to me as soon as I'll put it down. And it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks and then what am I gonna do?

Am I gonna seek the power? Am I gonna work this program or am I gonna go back and try to do it my way continuously over and over and over. Just like the book says, over a period of time, I get worse never better. See in in in in what happened was that at the end of this this this this facility, 36 days, they said, you know what? You need to go somewhere where you can continue this program.

And I remember writing this, this release thing or whatever, and and it was like, I'm gonna go to a meeting in, I'm from Eagle Pass, and it's south of San Antonio on the border, and and there's no meetings there and I had Uvalde, which is about an hour away. I'm gonna go to a meeting in Uvalde, and I'm gonna go to a meeting in Del Rio, which is another hour away. And so this is the kind of mentality that I have at 36 days when I know I have everything that I need to to know about the book because they already gave it to me, and it's highlighted and I did the workbooks and and, you know, I'm great, I'm feeling good, I got food in my in my stomach and everything is great, you know. I haven't used in 36 days and and and everything is just perfect for me right now, you know. And and and I have this this plan, this plan of action which is faulty because you honestly believe that that for me that I'm gonna go to work and then drive an hour to a meeting, stay for an hour and then drive back an hour and I'm gonna do that every day.

I'm I'm pretty willing but I don't know how much to be honest you how long that would have lasted. So they say, you know, I want to go to Austin and and go and live in this halfway house? And I said, okay. Well, I don't know. I'll think about it.

And, couple of things happened while I was there in treatment, and I I took this this halfway house deal and and I went. And I remember I remember the day I went to the meeting at the Oxford House. They they interviewed me and they gave me the the position. And it was a Wednesday night, and I went to an alumni meeting from this treatment center and and I and there's a couple of guys in here, maybe one that was at that meeting, and I remember going in that meeting and and as I was driving from the Oxford House to the meeting, my mind was already telling me, what are you gonna do in Austin? You don't have a job.

You don't have any money. You don't know anybody. You're 36 days sober. Let's go back to Eagle Pass. Let's work the other plan instead.

In my mind, that was the easier, softer way, and I decided I'm gonna stay. Something came over me and said I'm gonna stay, and I stayed. And and this is where my journey starts. This is where where it talks about love and it talks about hope and it talks about faith because this is how my life changed from this point on. This is where I started seeing the miracles of God working in my life.

This is where I started seeing the power in other people. This is where I started seeing the fellowship grow. This is where I started seeing all these miracles and everything taking place and it was just overwhelming me and I couldn't understand what was happening and I was filled with all these emotions and and I was driven and and the only thing that I could do was pray. And I remember, I moved in with this guy and and and he relapsed and and I was living in the streets, and I was living out of my car, and and and and I'm on 3 months sober, and I I've just got a temporary job, and I don't know what to do. And and and I finally I humbled myself and I picked up the phone and I called my dad and I said, dad, what do you want?

You're in trouble, aren't you? I said, dad, I I I need some help. Money. Hands the phone over to my mom. Tell her what's going on and they said I'm gonna we're gonna come to confirm this, see if this is true then we'll talk about money.

So they drove up to Austin. I'm staying in a motel 6 or whatever, and and they come and they see how I'm living. All these clothes in the back of my car and I'm 90 days sober and you wanna tell me that this is the way it's supposed to be? You wanna tell me that that at 90 days sober, I'm not grateful? I'm grateful for every second up to that point that I hadn't used.

I hadn't finished working the steps. What's happening? What what's what's come over me? You know? And I'm sitting there and they come in and this is the first miracle that happened, this is this is where the book talks about being rocketed into the 4th dimension, this is where the book talks about having this this conscious contact with your creator.

This is where the book talks about, you know, this this small as minute as this is the the first relationship, the first conscious contact that you can have with your creator, this is where I can start building. And and I remember we went and and and looked at this apartment and it was it was like $900. It was 4.50 to move in and and 300 and all this and and I remember sitting there and and my dad wrote a check out and gave it to him and walked out the door, got in the car and left. Now the drug addict that I am, I'm like, well, what about the cable? What about the gas and the light?

No. You work it out. What about furniture? No. You you you find sleep on the floor.

You got a roof over your head? That was my responsibility and no more, and that was on a Sunday. Monday afternoon, he calls me and he says, there's a letter for you here from the IRS in Mexico. I'm like, what? I'm like, what do they want?

You know? Because I worked in Mexico for a long time, and they're a little bit behind on their taxes, especially on their refunds. So this was a refund from 2 years back. $950. And I sat there and I said, wow.

Send me the 50 and keep the 900, and we're done. We're even. And I sat there in this apartment on the floor with no furniture, and I grabbed my pillow and I held it tight and I said, god, this is your way of showing me that you're gonna take care of me. I am yours. Utterly.

And I know that sometimes I'm not gonna wanna do the things that I'm supposed to do, and I know that sometimes I'm gonna make mistakes, sometimes I'm gonna fall short on my expectations that I place on myself, that I am yours. Because today, without him, I am nothing. Nothing but this body up here, it's gonna use and abuse the hell out of you. It's gonna take anything that you have because I want it. See, that's what God does for me in my life.

And I sat there and and I remember calling my sponsor and and I had a hard ass sponsor and and he said, you're calling me for this? And he hung up the phone. I said, wow. Isn't he happy for me? And I remember going couple days later to his house, and and I said, hey, man.

What's the deal? And you know what he said to me? He said, you know, so you know Ivan? And and some of you might know and he go like this, he put his hand right here. He says, you know Ivan, this is a kind of stuff that's gonna happen to you all the time if you stay close to God.

And when these things start happening, everyday occurrences, everyday experiences, they're gonna get you closer to him, but they're just gonna overlap in your everyday things. They're just gonna take over and you're not even gonna notice them, but you're gonna notice the love in your heart and you're gonna notice the faith that you're gonna have and you're gonna notice the hope that you're gonna give other people. That's not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear thank you, you know, congratulations, give me a hug, let's go smoke a cigarette, something, you know. No pat on the back.

My sponsor doesn't pat me on the back. He kicks me in the ass. Just get busy. See, when I started working the steps and and I got to that inventory and and and I realized that in order for me to sit down and and write this moral and fearless inventory, I needed to have a firm foundation on the first two steps. Not only that, I needed to have a faith in a power greater than myself.

I needed to trust this power. And I sat here I sat there and I wrote this inventory and I didn't realize this until 18 months later that I had come to believe in a power greater than myself. It took me 18 months to actually trust it, You know, because, you know, there's a thing for me is I can sit here and tell you all day long that I believe, but do I have faith? Do I trust it? You know?

Today, I can tell you that I do believe and that I have faith because of the actions that I take behind that faith prove to me that I have a relationship with God. They show me through my actions. He blesses me through his grace, and I get to wake up every morning. I don't come to. I wake up every morning and I see his power, his light, and his way of life and and I fall short sometimes trying to express it in other people.

But today, my job, I feel sometimes, is to make mistakes. Not only to make mistakes but to admit them to other people, to humble myself. See, because if I could create humility, I could create this humility that the book talks about, I wouldn't need this program. I could create this. It's I can't do it.

I've tried. I wrote this inventory and and and I and I left out the 2 people that abused me and and my sponsor sat down and we were doing this fist step and he said, okay. Let's let's put the book away and I wanna talk about what you didn't write down. And I said, what do you mean? The people that you left off the list.

And I'm thinking to myself, is this guy like a mind reader? Can you see me? Who has he been talking to? From the age of 6 to the age of 26, not a word has been said to anybody that I had gotten abused and raped. So I sit there and and and I start talking about them and it's like this thing got lifted from me and it was, like, replaced instantly by the sense and power, this new direction.

The spheres fell for me and I realized that I was standing in the presence of my creator, that I was being blessed and taken care of and nurtured and and that he wasn't gonna that I wasn't gonna feel harm anymore, that that these things happened for a reason and now I had purpose. Now in God's hands like the book says, this is the biggest asset I have when I have it in his hands to help other people. See, because when I have it in my hands, I'm gonna turn it to shit. But when I leave it in God's hands, it's the biggest asset I have. I'm the one that turns it into a liability.

And I realized when I went home and I did 6 and 7 and, you know, I love coming out to where there's water because that's where I wrote my first inventory And and I sat down and and I wrote it in Lake Austin and and and I wrote my inventory and and and I sat by the rocks just like they are out here. And I love being outside. It's so peaceful. And I went home and I did I did 67 and I realized that I realized that that 67 were about these character defects and about these shortcomings that I was ashamed of that I had and that I I continuously beaten myself for having them. And I continuously fell short of my ideals.

And I realized today that these these things that I have, these character defects, there's nothing I can do to remove them. I can ask god, humbly asking god to help me because the book talks about 2 of the main ones, selfish and self centeredness, and they both clearly state that that there's nothing we can do to remove them ourselves, that we have to have God's help on both of them. So so it it I'm sitting here and I'm standing here and and this obsession has been removed and and and I'm gonna think that god can't handle some of these character defects that I have when he's already taken one of the biggest ones, when he's already removed this obsession, when he continues to grace me whether I like to accept it or not, and I sit there and and and I realize that that 67 is is a life long journey. It's not about putting the list up and you're done. No.

They pop up all the time. You know, when I get to my 8 step list and I start writing it out and I go and I make all my amends and up to this day I've made everything. Every personal amends is done except the people that I can't find and I am steadfast ready to finish those and and the people I still owe money to that I'm paying. Everything else is done up to this point. And and, you know, this brings me to the to to some of the amends that I that I wanna share with you.

And and one of the most powerful ones was when I went home and I did my mom and dad. And I remember going in and I was scared and I and I drove down there and then I sat down and and I had these note cards and I had written everything out. I was detailed and and I knew I couldn't talk about this and I knew that I could do this and this and this. And I sat there and I started sharing it with him and and and I saw the tears rolling down my mom and I saw my dad, you know, kinda trying trying to hold him back and and he couldn't and and they both sat there and they said, you know what? We just want you to be happy.

We just wanna know what you're doing. Just call us. Let us know. We don't wanna worry about you. And the reason they said that is because when I was out there, my mom would leave a note on the door every day thinking that that day is the day that I was gonna come home and and let me know where she was at.

And I didn't know that until I got sober. I didn't know that until till I was sitting there across from her making my amends that she was doing that every day. Look how much of this emotional security I robbed him. Look how much of of all these sleepless nights that I robbed him when I wasn't even living there and and and and I'm sitting in treatment thinking everything that I did, I did it to myself and I didn't hurt anybody else. See, this this powerful experience that I'm having during amends is something that's so beautiful that you shouldn't wanna miss it, you know, because if you're done and if you're ready to let God take you to bigger and better things, then you has to you have to humble yourself.

You have to go and and take care of these amends, you know. If you wanna have a a a life of of temporary sobriety, if you wanna have a life of of of just, you know, being being, you know, sober, that's your life, man. I wanna be free. I wanna be free. I don't wanna be a slave to cocaine or anything else.

I don't wanna be a slave to anybody. I wanna be free. You know, when I start working on 1011 and and, you know, I have this prayer and meditation life and and it's it's been falling a little short and I remember a while back I talked to a friend of mine and he and he and he said, you know what? Why don't you go talk to a guy that does meditation? And I did and I went and I sat with him and it changed my life because he talked about these principles and he's not one of us.

He talked about how he he practices these things and because he wants to enlarge his spirit life, he wants to have the closeness of his creator all the time. And and you look you know, for me, I sit down times at night and I think it's a chore and I sit down and I think I gotta do this, you know, it's a discipline this and that and and you know what? It's not about that, It's about where I wanna be with God. See, I'm not looking at these steps now as as as as as an outline of of something that that I need to do. This is what I wanna do.

This is the way I wanna live. The book says that this life is not a theory, we have to live it. This is a spiritual way of life. Some of you might not be prepared to live that way. You might have to go out and do some more research.

You might have to go out and and and experience different things, and you might have to go out and find another fellowship or go out and and and and do other things. You know what? But the most beautiful thing is is that when you realize the truth about yourself, you will do whatever it takes to find something that will help you. That's what I found out. Is that when I got to see the truth about myself, I was armed with these facts.

Like the book says, there's nothing left but to pick this tool, pick it up. It was me just like the first speaker said. It was it it it's like they wrote this book for me. You know, and in, like, 2 years later 2 years ago, I I went to buy this bed and this is one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had in this program And I I went to buy a bed and and I ran into the guy that had abused me in Austin. And I saw him, like, from here to this from here to this mic, he was standing right in front of me.

And I was looking at him and and I gave him my slip and he looked straight at me and I could see the pain in him. I could see that remorse, that quicksand, that demoralization, that fear. And I got all tingly and excited and I was like, what's gonna happen here, you know. And he put the bed in the car and next thing I know I'm I'm unloading it at my house and and I go up to my room and I go up to my room and I sit quiet for about 45 minutes. And I come back downstairs and and I talked to my roommate and I said, hey, man.

You you got a couple minutes. I need to talk to you about something. And he said, yeah. What's up? And and I and I shared the story with him and and he said, why did you go there?

And I said, I didn't know that that that this program, this recovery thing, that this relationship that I have with God is gonna prevent me from going to certain places, you know. That means that if I want to go buy cigarettes then I can't go to a store that sells beer. You know, what kind of power is that? What kind of God is it? I'm not afraid of anything today.

So I I share the story and I said, you know what? I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one. And I remember walking off and and I remember talking to my sponsor and I remember that night sitting quietly and and I and I felt this this the nearness of my creator and and, you know, I could feel that that this man was in pain and I could feel that this man was a sick man and and I prayed for him. This is a man that I wanted to just do insane crazy things and and no longer have him breathe in this world. And I remember sitting there and praying for this man.

Now that that's what love is about. See, when I share that, I can give you hope. When I share that, you might see that my faith is strong. See, these are the things that that that were taught to me. See, my life hasn't been perfect.

My life has been foot filled with ups and downs, but I can tell you right now at this moment, I am free and I feel my god today. I can tell you that that I'm having a wonderful time out here. And I can tell you that I love the hospitality and that I love the fellowship. You know, but at some point in my sobriety, I started relying too much on the fellowship. I started demanding stuff from the fellowship.

And the book says that when this burden is is is is is gonna it's gonna overcome you. It's it's too heavy for you. And I call this guy that's involved in a lot of service and and and this is what he said to me. He goes, take out the god suit. It's too big for you.

It's too heavy. So why do you want those responsibilities? Why do you want those things? Don't you have enough on your own? So I took a different perspective.

You know, when when when we were in when when I first got to Austin, there was there was a total of, 4 meetings. There's over over 30 meetings in Austin. There's over 87 hospital and institutions meetings from a year ago where there was 2. And you see I have the small little part in all this, But it's not because of me that these things are there. Because I can leave, and god's still gonna take care of these things.

See but it's my part to bring in my recovery, to bring in my relationship with God, to bring in my faith to these groups. See that's what the traditions talk about. Traditions talk about the unity, you know, about being involved in service. And when these things occur, 12 and 12 talks about being a bleeding deacon. You know, the big book, the 12 and 12 also talks about, you know, being an elder statesman.

See, I didn't get the opportunity to to come into a fellowship. It was already established. I didn't come into a fellowship that had about 30 meetings a week. You know? No.

I came into a fellowship that that that was starting just like this. And you see and I've and if I can share with you one thing, stay close to your god, stay close to your sponsor, and work the steps, and everything else will take care of itself. See, because you're not gonna be able to give something you haven't got. And you know, you they tell you that all the time. But look at your own experience.

Is that what you're doing? Is that what's happening in your life? It's happened to me in my life. See, in the back of the book of this new 4th edition, they included this thing that they call the concepts. See, I have 36 principles today.

Some of you might not be familiar with the concepts but I'm a service junkie. I'm involved at at in cocaine anonymous at, you know, at a world level And not to brag or or to be arrogant or anything, but that's the that's the path that god has taken me, you know. And and and I'm involved in in in a once a year meeting where it makes decisions on what this fellowship is gonna do throughout the year and what budget, what chips they're gonna make, what literature they put out and and all these things occur on a on a 4 day, you know, 4 days sitting in this conference room from 7 in the morning to 3 or 4 in the morning. And and I am so honored and privileged just to be sitting there representing something because when I came into this fellowship, I was not a part of life. I wasn't a part of anything.

And you see in these concepts that showed me these three things, one of them talks about the right of decision, the other one talks about the right of appeal, and the last one talks about the right of participation. And I like to include these when I speak because, you know, if you look at your own experience, are you appealing every decision that God has has done? Are you appealing everything that's going on in your life? And and and once you know you're in this appeal process, if anybody's watched any TV or has been involved in any court situations, what is the only thing that an appeal does? It just, you know delays something.