The CPH12 v1 in Copenhagen, Denmark

Peter was right. I feel like a judge. My name is Tom Nader Mamanakahaak. And, god separated me from alcohol on October 15, 1994. And and his grace got me to that date.

I was introduced to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1974. Our tradition talks about, your requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I had no desire, but my bride of 3 months had a very strong desire for me to have a desire to stop drinking. And, she dragged me off into, my first AA meeting. 3 months prior to that, well, actually, I'm sorry.

We were we were married about, 6 months at the time that I had my first meeting in AA. 3 months prior to that, she, was the middle of the night. And, in the United States, years ago, they had these, public service announcements, and they may still have them time to time. I don't see much of them anymore. But they had this public service announcement for, Al Anon on, TV.

And it usually came, like, in the middle of the night when, I guess, they knew when untreated Al Anon's and untreated alcoholics were up, you know, and maybe, tuning in. And she saw this, public service announcement, and there was a picture of an alcoholic there, that was in really bad shape. And the person that was doing the, announcement says you could see, you know, like, what the alcohol is doing to him. But can you see what it's doing to you, meaning my wife. And, with that, my, wife got the message of Al Anon.

And, she ended up, going in there, and she'll be celebrating, someone 30 years in the Al Anon Family Group, and for her, I'm very grateful. I'd like to say 3 months later, as I mentioned, you know, I it, for me, I, my first meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous was, I showed up. There was a pretty, chunky guy came running up. I knew the man. It was out in Bay Ridge, which was, well, I would say about 3 or 4 miles away from where I, did a lot of my drinking in another part of Brooklyn.

And this man showed up and he had a big smile on his face, and he was so happy to see me. And he called me by my, nickname at the time, and he, said, so glad to see you. Now mind you, I didn't wanna be there. And, I I certainly didn't want him to solidify the fact that I should be there with especially with my wife on my arm. I was just trying to take the heat off a little bit.

Just take the heat off. I I remember after that meeting, I don't remember much of it outside of that incident, and I caught my first resentment in Alcoholics Anonymous right there, I guess. And I, came out of that meeting, the Old Bay Ridge Group, Brooklyn. And I walked across, to, the street to this restaurant, and I was really shaky. I needed a drink.

And and my wife, I guess, you know, she needed to take the edge off too, although she's not alcoholic. But I convinced her the fact that why not, you know, sit down, relax, don't worry about it. I don't have to drink. I told her I was lying. I don't have to drink.

And I remember her having, some kind of a highball there. And I remember there was this manachino cherry on the top, and I knew it was, you know, just soaked with Irish whiskey, you know, and I I was obsessed with the with the mannequin or cherry just so I can get something into my system. And, and I convinced her. I says, that's not gonna bother me, so I grabbed the cherry and and ate it. And, and then she had to go to the, to the, woman's room, to the toilet, and there she went.

And, and by the time she got back, I had Old Faithful right there in front of me. Three fingers of Johnnie Walker red with a splash. And that's how my drinking, I was a daily drinker. I was a functioning drunk. About, 12, 13 years, prior, I, I had my first, drink of alcohol.

And, and it was the first time that I have experienced that place that Peter was talking about, that place of ease and comfort. Prior to my ever picking up, a drink, I suffered from this thing that we talk about and experience called the, spiritual malady. I felt, apart. I was brought up, like I think many of us were brought up, by people in this world and doing the best they can with what they have. And it was a situation where I I I always tried to overachieve.

I don't know where that came from. I always had to look better and, do better, And I and I did fairly well at that, you know, from, early on in grammar school, from about the 1st to the 7th grade, I was on what they call in the the honor roll, you know, so I always had a 90 average or above. I, got that heavily involved with sports. I was good at sports. I, my parents were, kind enough to, you know, send me away, you know, like, to can not to push me away or maybe they had the ideas that they will push me away, but they they, gave me the opportunity that I could go to summer camp.

And, and I went to a summer camp, that was ran by the Silesian Brothers, which is an Italian Catholic order of, brothers and priests. And, with a friend of mine that was right around the corner and up the block. And, we went together, and it's sort of like, you know, like I fell in love, you know, I, I, years later, my friend Mark, shared about, you know, maybe this is a second calling for you. But the first calling looked like this, that I I had this man in my life. His name was, brother John Andre.

God rest his soul. He just passed away about a couple of years ago. And I looked at this man, you know, and I, I sort of I wanted what he had, you know. He was a good man. He was, you know, like kind, you know, and, it seemed like he he liked to do what he was doing.

And basically, it was just working with, you know, like, boys, working with young men. And, it was a and a lot of fun, a lot of sports, a lot of baseball, and all of that. And, and I had ideas of becoming, you know, like a a Salesian brother and perhaps maybe going on to the priesthood. I, I was already an altar boy. And from all outside appearances, I looked like a, you know, like a a good kid.

But I had this curiosity because I was living in Brooklyn and it was, it was a great neighborhood. Our neighborhood in Brooklyn had a lot of character at where it was like 50% drunks, you know, and it was it was great, you know. I mean, and it was a mix of all types of nationalities, ancestry that came to the United States. And it it it was a great place to grow up. But there were certain aspects of the neighborhood, and you had the gangs like South Brooklyn and Skid Row and and a bunch of gangs that were just, they were they they were just breaking laws and, you know, they were free, you know?

And I looked at these people, you know, and, I had, you know, like some sort of admiration, but at the same time, I had a little bit of a fear, you know, about what it was about, you know, to be, you know, a part of that. I, it came between the 7th and the 8th grade, and I ended up, we were out on a summer, recess. And, my sister was going out with a guy by the name of, you know, like Paulie. His name is Slick. Nickname was Slick.

God rest his soul. He died from this disease. And, Slick had a friend by the name of Paulie. Another man that made it into this fellowship died from this disease. Went back out, couldn't stay.

And and we knew of Pauley and Pauley and, you know, they we knew we can go ahead and get it. We decided we were gonna go ahead and experiment and get some booze, and, and we did that. We got a bottle of, a couple of pints of Southern Comfort, my friend Kenny. And, he made me a bet that I couldn't take a, like, a water glass about this this type of water glass and fill it up with Southern Comfort. It was about a 100 proof and take it down in one shot.

And I was only about 13, but I took the challenge and it went down and it hurt. You know, that was the last time I did Southern Comfort. But it was good while it lasted. You know? Anyway, I don't remember a lot about what happened that day with the exception of that I had that sensation.

That place, I got to that place to ease and comfort and all bets were off, and I was free. Whatever, you know, I had to do or what I thought I had to do, all these belief systems that I didn't know they were belief systems at the time when I looked back. You know, I I was just free. Okay? I was stepping out easy, it seemed like, for the first time in my life.

And and I do remember my friend, Kenny, didn't want any part of it, of the drinking that we were doing. He had, you know, like a few shots. He He got sick. I got sick too, but I had the other pint. And it was mine.

It wasn't Kenny's, you know, only because he didn't. And and I remember going home that night and, actually being dropped off, laying down in front of my parents' door. And, I got picked up and thrown into bed. And I can remember the the room spinning. And I can remember me going over to the side of the bed and vomiting and being deathly ill.

Next thought that I had after coming out of all this the next day was, I gotta do that again. I gotta do that again. I gotta get there again. And something drastic happened. My whole life changed.

We talked this morning about, you know, this life, you know, we take it takes on a new meaning. Well, my life that day took on a new meaning, you know. And everything went. Everything went. You know?

I barely you know, the next year was the 8th grade. It was the final year in this grammar school that I was going to. It was the 8th grade. I barely got out of that that school with a 74.5 average. I wasn't had no interest no interest in becoming a Salesian brother anymore.

Because some women came into my life that year as well. I didn't think anymore about, you know, hanging out with the guys and playing sports. Now I was I was with the guys Skid Row and South Brooklyn. The guys that I looked at, I had that certain curiosity about And, some awful harmful things, you know, took place, beginning with my parents, you know, beginning with people, you know, that strangers that I didn't even know, you know. You know, this bias, this this sickness in me, whatever it was, it just, you know, like, was a lot of anger.

It just, you know, like spewed out of me. And every opportunity that I had, I was drinking. And, I, made a, Catholic high school because of tests the prior year before I ever picked up that drink. And, and I went to that Catholic high school for a period of 3 months, and they expelled me from that high school because I, they expelled me because, a brother, you know, like, was gonna take a 2 by 4 piece of wood, and he was gonna come after me with it, but I got to the piece of 2 by 4 first. And, and then it was just, you know, I can go into other things, but I'm really not gonna get into any drama, But it just got progressively worse.

Okay? I was a progressive drunk. I I mean, the disease, it's a progressive disease. And, it I I drank, daily from it seems as soon as I got a job, as soon as I was able to, get legally out of high school. And they kicked me out of that one school and they put me into a public high school.

And it seems like the true and app true and officer was more in my home than I was in school. And I I was just always away. I was just, you know, like never there. I was just out with the, with the with the guys, you know, doing what we do, you know, steel, you know, and, and these weren't the, these weren't the values that I was brought up with. With.

They weren't the values I was brought up with. And I caused a lot of harm and pain and agony to my parents, you know, and a lot of worry to, aunts and uncles and everyone from the get go. They didn't They they had no idea what was going on with Tom. Good Tommy. What was going on with him?

And I'll fast forward it to, as I mentioned, my my, I did get married. I, I, met this girl. I moved out of the house for the wrong reasons and, so did she. And, we got married. And, it was a very short period of time because she had this idea.

This was my ex wife And she this woman and she was beautiful girl. I don't know if anyone it, but it was a situation where she she had this idea that I should be coming home after work or something like this. In my neighborhood, it was you get married and then you just, you know, you go on with your lifestyle. You know what I mean? That's, you know, that's where I was coming from.

But she didn't appreciate the lifestyle. You know? And, well, I have to drink. So I joined the army to get away, you know. The draft was coming up, and I, went into the army, and I went over to Vietnam.

And and, for for the last 9 months that I was over in Vietnam, I I didn't drink. I did something else called, I I never touched, you know, marijuana. And this was about 1967 at the time. 1968 when I ended up over there in Vietnam. And I, I never touched grass, but they had these things over there that they as I recall, they called them lukemiles.

And they were about this long and about that round, about the size of a mini cigar, and they were Vietnamese grass and always laced with pure black liquid opium. And, so if you don't wanna drink, that's a good idea. You can go ahead and try something like that. You won't drink. You don't have to drink.

So I didn't. I, came back from Vietnam and and I was experiencing some, restlessness, irritability, and discontentment because I didn't have that stuff that I had over there back here in the States. And, I was trying all types of, different things. And, and I and I only mentioned this is because this is part of my story. And, I have to tell you I'm, for a lot of years an Alcoholics Anonymous.

I I would raise my hand and I would, say my name is Tom. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an addict. I'm a compulsive gambler. And, I found my truth, thank God, you know, around 9 years ago when I went through this, process as it's outlined in our basic text.

And I found out I'm I'm just a real alcoholic. I'm not an addict. I walked away from it. I saw that by going back into it, and I'm not a compulsive gambler. I, joke about it, but this is on tape, my wife will get a little deterred.

Sometimes I have to grab her away from the slot machines down Atlantic City and say let's let's go see a show. But it's, it's a good life today. Getting back to where I was, I, came back from Vietnam. And, I tried to get to that place, that state of mind that I was over in in Vietnam. And I was experimenting all kinds of stuff that ended up the the closest thing I could come to.

It was, you know, I'd have my Johnnie Walker red that I gravitated to, like, 3 fingers, Johnnie Walker red, splash and a twist, and throw about 20 $20 worth of crystal meth and just dunk that right in and start it around and and try to get to that place, you know. See, I I I didn't understand. You know, I thought people were telling me alcohol was a depressant, you know. And then, you know, you have speed over years. So I figured if I got to that place, you know, maybe I'd get somewhere in the middle, but not for this alcoholic.

You know. I found out later on something about this thing called the phenomenon of craving that, and it's been my experience that any time that I ingested alcohol into my system, I really you know, people talk about control or trying to control. I didn't have too much experience with trying to control my drinking. I never it it, I guess that's the mental aspect of it. But as far as the, my body, I have to agree with my friend, Don.

You know, once alcohol went into my system, it just said more, period. It just said more. And and I came back from, you know, like Vietnam trying to move along here. And I, I, I got divorced. I didn't get divorced.

I didn't even know I was divorced. You know, the the court papers, I understand, said I abandoned her, you know. And, well, I was nowhere to be found. Nobody nobody knew where I was. Not too many people were looking for me either.

I'm sure. I ended up, taking a few geographics. I ended up out in Chicago. We talk about these things, I don't know what's gonna happen when I pick up a drink. I, as I mentioned, I I I ended up in Chicago and, my mom called and, my dad was dying.

He had cancer. And I came back, and we buried my dad. And, and that was another good excuse, to go back out in Chicago and go on a real bad tear, you know, which I did, because we never really had, you know, you know, like a close relationship, and I had a lot of remorse over that and a lot of anger at myself. So, but then again, after a few months, after my dad passed away, my mom called me again, and she wanted to come on back me to come back and and, try to help her. And I had, I intended to, you know, try to be try to do the right thing, Tom, go back.

And I, I tried going back. I picked up a drink in Chicago. And I don't know what happened. But 3 days later, I didn't have the money that I started out with, which was only about $1500. And this was like in the early seventies.

And I was down in, a motel on Airline Highway next to a woman that I didn't even know when I woke up. And, I'm down in New Orleans. Now Chicago is in the Midwest. Brooklyn, where I'm heading, is east. And New Orleans is on the Gulf of Mexico.

And that's where I ended up. So I don't know what happens to me when I pick up a drink. And I drove. I don't remember. I ended up coming back into, Brooklyn.

My mom had, enough of me. She left. I was living in, you know, like, my parents' apartments there. They were vacated by my mom, and, she went up to the upper peninsula of Michigan to live with my, sister. I made that apartment at Bowery.

I had the guys from the wine gang in there, me included. It was a mess. I, I was in no shape to work. I, sold everything that I could of my parents. The only thing that I left was the TV.

It was like my only connection to sanity, I thought. I remember one day I was showing about this last night. I remember one day I was, in the in my home, ran out of food as if I really cared whether there was food or not, but I, you know, I guess I must've sensed a little bit of hunger in my gut, because I didn't eat very much. But I remember going into the cupboard out in the kitchen, and, there was, the only thing I can find all the way in the back in the corner of the cabinet was a, a small jar of Gerber baby food. And I remember sitting in front of the TV and had that baby food open, and my legs crossed, and I'm looking at myself.

And that was the little bit of a bottom for me, finally. You know? And I said to myself, I'm never I'm never gonna get to this place again. And no one was allowed to come into my house anymore. Okay?

And I'm gonna pull myself up my by my bootstraps, and I'm gonna go ahead, and I'm gonna make a life for myself. I didn't realize alcohol had other plans. I had no idea. I went down a Bush Channel, which was a long walk, and that's where I met my bride of today, Jenny, in a place on a gray art printing place. And it was like a, I was an expediter.

I would give the plates for the people that needed to print the, different things that we were printing. And, I met, I was only making a $100 a week. And, which is interesting because out in Chicago, I was making, like, $600 a week in the early seventies, which was a lot of money because I had a part time job as a bartender out there, which was good. You know, that helped me supplement my, alcohol consumption. And, I ended up meeting my, bride, like I mentioned, you know, and, we had, a couple of, like a one and a half year relationship.

I think it was in 72 that we met. And, and I put this woman through hell, And and she stayed with me because her she was already affected by alcoholism with her father and others in her family and her uncles. So I was perfect, you know. I guess I came along and her eyes lit up and, you know, I don't know. But, we we started this bumpy road together, and, and it was bumpy.

And there was a lot of, we had some real I was not a nice person. And if you hurt, interfere, or threaten with my alcoholism, my alcohol, any way that I'm gonna get to it, we got a real problem. And I did some things that I'm not proud of. So it brings us back, you know, to to that first meeting that she brought me to, and I'll just fast forward about 3 years. Because by this time, Ginny was in the Al Anon Fellowship for that length of time, and people were showing up in our home.

And, all her friends, I used to call them the sisters of perpetual revenge, you know, and sisters of death. We're all talking about me. They're all out to get me. And, and I'd come home drunk, you know. And something happened.

Thank God. Thank God she made it there. Because I made a decision I made a decision that I was gonna stop drinking, but I didn't need any of this stuff, Alcoholics Anonymous, and I didn't need any hope from her. I was gonna do like my dad did, which he did. He he he took the pledge.

I don't think he ever, went to Alcoholics Anonymous. He got sober in 1954, and he, he passed away in 1972. And, he went up to the church. He got the pledge. I think he tried a few times to get the pledge, but, he did.

But I experienced, you know, like, well, I won't even you know, I go there with that's that's my dad's story, you know. And, but for me, I I made that decision. I was gonna go ahead, and I I was gonna go cold turkey. And, it wasn't, I don't think I lasted maybe about 24, 36 hours. And I I turned and I asked Jenny if I if I could get some help, because I started to experience these things that, that aren't too pretty.

You know, I remember going into the bathroom and, you know, having dry heaves and shaking off my arm, and I thought there were roaches on and my skin was crawling. And then I'd walk outside, you know, I'm sitting on the couch, then I start to see a couple of rodents going around the baseboard of the house, and I'm telling Ginny that we have rats. And, Ginny's looking at me kind of funny and can't find any holes where the rats went, underneath the radiator. So a guy behind my house shows up with the guy, this man Al and, a guy Paul, Paul the mailman, and they showed up. And thank God for, alcoholics anonymous.

These men, they carried a message, And it wasn't the message that I guess it was the message, the the men, their spirit that carried. And, they stayed with me for about a good 24 hours, I would think, on and off. They were taking shifts. So the seed of alcoholics anonymous was planted, and they tried to, that was sometime in, I think, in October of 77. And they tried to, you know, like, take me to meetings.

And, and I remember the first meeting that I, you know, I was there and a guy mentioned to me at the meeting, he says, look. And and and I still, like, I I was still drinking, you know, and I had, you know, some, I had a half a load on when I showed up at that, you know, like, meeting. And, a man approached me. He says, look, as long as you don't disrupt the meeting, we don't care if you come in and you got a half a load. You know, just keep on coming back.

You just can't disrupt the meetings. So I took this guy to heart. I showed up with a flask every Tuesday Friday night, you know, and I'd slip into the bathroom, you know. I had no idea. I mean, there were some nights I, you know, I recall I actually made some comments at step meetings, you know, and I got a half a load on it.

I don't know. March of 78 showed up and March of 78 showed up and, I hit another bottom. And it happened across the street from the 72 precinct on Fourth Avenue in Brooklyn. And I was sitting down in this restaurant over there, and I was coming off a 3 day drunk. And at the time, we had, 2 little girls, you know, Janine and Jennifer.

And, and I was seriously considering about taking myself off the planet. They don't need me. Realize I'm never gonna get it. Now this time, by this time, like I said, October 77 March, you know, I got about 5 or 6 months bouncing in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous and showing up. But I'll tell you what was happening.

What was happening, I was going to those meetings and I was getting honest with myself in spite of myself. You know, I was starting to identify, you know, like, with these people, what they were talking about. I, I was a little hazy because in the shape I was that I was going to the meetings, but I guess I wasn't too different from Bill, you know, because Bill sat down and he got the message when he had a half a load on his wall. And but the reason I say, my drinking was getting progressively worse, you know, you know, you know, like a head full of AA and a belly full of whiskey doesn't work, you know. And I it was getting bad, you know, because now I wasn't I couldn't even experience that place of ease and comfort.

Alcohol was stopping. It was starting to stop working for me and the way I would like it to work for me because I was starting to face the truth about me. And I didn't like that. I don't like that at all. And, now I wasn't drinking, you know, for that place of ease and comfort.

Now I was drinking just not to even to look at me, so I just drank to go into a living. 78 showed up and that and that day when I, was seriously considering, you know, like taking myself off the planet. I'm a coward, you know, and, I couldn't figure out how I was gonna go about it. And I ended up walking back to the the All Sunset group in Brooklyn, And a man showed up in my life, there, a guy by the name of Johnny Walsh. God bless his soul.

Another man. I mean, this guy looked like a drunk. This guy, Johnny was great guy. And, it's old time AA, you know, and in in Brooklyn. I don't mean I you know, that's it was old time to me back in seventies there.

And, and I did what you people told me to do. And I went to 90 meetings in 90 days. You know, I did a lot more than that. I went to 2 meetings every weekday, and I went to 3 meetings every weekend day. And I did that for about 2 or 3 years straight.

And I was, I'll tell you, I I I remember I remember vividly when I had about 3 months, and I was walking out of my house in Brooklyn, and I was going up to the about 4 blocks away to what we call the corner the corner group, clubhouse. And I remember walking out of the house and up the block, and it's I had a sense of dignity about me that, that the cops weren't around for a period of about 3 months, you know, on my block. Of course, the cops showed up once every so often, make you know, paid me a visit. And and that wasn't happening. And, and I was able to, hold my head up a little bit.

But all, like I said, the next, 2 or 3 years, I'm just doing. I'm I mean, I'm active in service. I'm active in this. I'm going to step meetings. I can't you know, I'm trying to do the steps off the wall.

My friend Don says you do the steps off the wall, you get off the wall sobriety. No. And, makes sense. I I had no idea. I I had no idea what I was doing in terms of the fellowship.

And really what I was doing was I and like I, I I later found out, you know, we have 3 sides to our triangle, and I was practicing one side of the triangle expecting the other 2 just to show up through osmosis or something, you know? You know? You know, there's no chapter in our book saying into osmosis, you know? Says into action. There's no chapter into thinking either.

I, so I did that. And there for a period of time, I'm going to meetings and, and I for some reason, I know there's more to this. And I I I don't understand. And and a guy like me, you know, I'm not gonna ask for help. I never did ask for help.

I'll figure this out myself. Take a sick mind and try to fix a sick mind. And, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't I I wouldn't raise my hand. And every once in a while, I would get a spark of a message from, guys like Jimmy L and Brooklyn and, Jimmy G from another part of Brooklyn, and I'd be getting messages, glimpses of it, you know.

But I wouldn't be able to go ahead and approach them, you know. Because like I said, I could do this. I don't need anybody's help. And, so that fear stopped me, or that pride stopped me, you know, from, you know, like, approaching these people and asking, what are you doing? I could tell you what happened during during the, you know, like, the next the next 7 or 8 years, it was nuts.

Okay? I, I didn't spend very much time at home. During that time in early sobriety, my, we were blessed with my son, Tommy. He came into our life, but I was never home. I was never home.

K? It was all about me and what I needed to do. I didn't get the message, the real message of Alcoholics Anonymous. It didn't it wasn't sinking in, and I wasn't letting anybody show it to me, obviously, either. So so the end result of that was is that I started to, get involved in other things.

Gambling. Okay? I figured if I go down to the gambling table at the blackjack or craps, you know, the action, the juice, you know, we got that empty hole and and that'll fill that up. Okay. And that worked for a little while.

Cost a lot of money. I thought maybe the I thought the, my having my own business and climbing up a corporate ladder and and making a lot of money, you know, that that would do it, you know. So I would spend 14, 16 hours away from, from my home again. You know? Then other things came into my life.

The end result was that I was, I was I was sharing about how how I a guy like me and I had I I mentioned, I think, yeah, last night, you know, my favorite song was like, Billy Joel, you know, and, I think he was the guy that put out that song, an angry young man, you know, I sort of identified with the song, you know. And, I remember going over the Outer Bridge Crossing once, which is a bridge from New Jersey into Staten Island in, in the New York area. And, it's only a 2 lane bridge. And I remember, someone cutting me off, and I sideswiped the guy with a brand new Lincoln Town Car that I just bought about a few weeks earlier. And I was waiting at the bottom of the bridge, and I was I had a bat in the back seat, and I was just I was ready to go, you know, sober.

This was about 7 or 8 years sober. So so something was wrong. And I was parked in my car on the Upper East Side of Manhattan one day in 1987. And that morning, I had no thought of drinking, or so it seemed. And, and I got out of my car, and I walked into a deli or a bodega, which you may have over here.

And, I got 2 cores. Mental blank, some mental blank spot, or the lie to myself. If I even thought, I I my mind was scrambled. It was a wreck. And, and that was the beginning of, another year, another 7 year, you know, debacle with alcohol.

And, by the end of that week, I I I may have tried to control it. Sure. But that was for, that was for a good week, I would think. And by the end of that week, I I know I was up to something like a case of beer and maybe a half a quarter of Johnnie Walker red daily and it sort of progressed from there, you know, because I suffer from this thing called the phenomenon of craving. My body says more eventually.

I tried coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous, And my lens of sobriety, and it was bare white knuckle sobriety. And, and I I was slipping back and forth, back and forth, and it was getting progressively worse and worse and worse and worse. And the jails were there and all over again, and the cops and the drama and and the harm, you know, you know, that I caused my, my wife and my children, and, anyone that I really came in contact with for any period of time. I remember remeeting in, a group in Brooklyn about 3 months before, I showed up. And, I showed up and someone, carried this message to me as it's outlined in our book.

And in this meeting, I was angry. It was progressing to the point and they talk about it, meeting makers make it. I was going to about 4 or 5 meetings a week. 4 or 5 I I really had a desire. I didn't want to go through this anymore.

I was tired, you know, and it it was killing I I knew what was happening, And I and I just didn't want to do it. And I didn't think I was gonna make it. And, and a lot of other people in Alcoholics Anonymous thought I wasn't gonna make it either. And, because I think there was, there was some disgust for a guy like me that would be walking in and out, in and out, in and out, and can't get it. You know?

But I remember at this one meeting, there was a guy, well, for me, he came around my turn. I again, as usual, you know, like, I had a few in me. And, and I took my fist and I, went down to the table. And I, I I just told the people. I says, you know, all I'm doing here is putting a Band Aid on this thing, And that Band Aid is gonna peel off by the time I get out that door because I will drink.

I will drink. And after that meeting, this guy comes up to me, and he says, Tom, what are you so angry about? And then he said a classic, I almost killed this guy. Says, you know what to do. You know what to do.

You did it. You were sober nearly 10 years. You know what to do. I mean, I if I knew what to do, wouldn't I be doing it? I mean, I'm not showing up here for my health.

Well, I am showing up there for my health. I'm not getting any help. It's, shortly after that, I, I found myself in a, in a jail cell, you know, getting taken out of my home by handcuffs and my, my daughter. The scene is no different from the scenes that took place before, and all the pain that I caused other people and my family before, you know? The pain intensified, I'm sure, to them.

But I remember my daughter crying and yelling and, my son sad, and I'm, being taken away. And I'm in a jail cell. And in that jail cell, I, I'm facing some time, you know, 6 months, perhaps a year, at a place called Rikers Island, and, which isn't a very nice place, especially for a guy that's 46 years of age, you know, can't make it up there. And, and I remember being in the jail cell. And, and I reached in my pocket, and there was a little card.

I don't know if you have them over here in Denmark, but we're in Scandinavia. They had a little adjust for today card. And, and to me, that card symbolized Alcoholics Anonymous. And I saw some truth in that jail cell that day. I took that card, and I just out of disgust, I threw it to the corner of the jail cell.

I I just threw it. Because that symbolized Alcoholics Anonymous, Albeit it symbolized Alcoholics Anonymous as I perceived it. And the way I perceived it, now that I think back, is that Alcoholics Anonymous was just a group of drunks. And it says somewhere in the ABC that probably no human power could relieve me of my alcoholism. And believe me, when I tell you I tried, I really tried to find God during that long stint in Alcoholics Anonymous, and maybe even during me bouncing back and forth for the next 7 years after I after I, drank again.

I really tried, and I couldn't find God. The problem was is I was looking for God out here. My book tells me he can be found deep down within. That's a promise. And, but that's where I was on that day in that jail cell.

And I I I I threw that I threw that card into that corner of the jail cell. And I and with that, it seemed like almost at that moment, a sense of hopelessness came over me really bad. You know, they talk about, in a vision for you, about the 4 horsemen, and they showed up. They showed up in that jail cell for me that day. And, and I was just driven to my knees, And it was a cry for help.

I don't know what the prayer was. There's a guy by the name of Clinton. I heard him on a tape one time, and, his prayer was when he got to that place with, God, come. Come now. Don't even don't even send your son because this is no place for children.

I identified with the desperation of that prayer. You know? That that was I identified with that prayer. That resonated strongly in me, because that's where I was at. And and what happened was is, he showed up.

He was always there. I guess it was just a matter of me crying out for help, and, he showed up. And some work was being done behind the scenes, because I didn't see it. And, and my wife, Jenny, she was at an Al Anon meeting that night. And I don't know what she was sharing, but I I'm sure she she was not happy with Nate 20 years.

In and out, she was she was pretty well done. And there was a woman at that meeting that, was in AA and Al Anon. And this woman was listening to my wife, obviously, and then she tried to track my wife down. Because this woman just went through the steps, as outlined in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, and she was on fire. My wife didn't want any part of it, but she got the number out for about a half hour anyway.

She forced it on her and, and this woman was picking up. I got out of jail. I was, the judge cut me a break. He put me on alcoholism treatment for, outpatient alcoholism treatments. We go for therapists so, so they can tell you how to have the power to fix you.

Human power. Ended up, I I was driven home by my wife, and my 2 girls were in the back of the car. And I came home, and my wife was, being taken to a meeting by that same lady that day, to an Al Anon meeting. And when that lady showed up, she wanted to know if, if I got the card, if I if I got the telephone number. She gave her a telephone number of a guy that was on Staten Island, a man by the name of Larry g.

And, I got on the phone. Like I said, you know, I I I was never a man to, a person to go ahead and ask for help, and I had this telephone number in my hand that my wife gave me, and she left for the meeting with this woman, Patty. And, I, I took the card, and I made the phone call. And this is about the second time that I asked for help, about 2 or 3 days. And, you know, once was caught in that jail cell, and next was, with this man.