Steps 6, 7, 8 and 9 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of May, and tonight, Jean will be Jean from Seager will be speaking on 678. Are we right? Will hope. 6789. That's what I left out.

6789. I don't really need it. I have such a big mouth. My name is Jean. I am a grateful alcoholic.

Hi, Jean. You all have heard me share in the last week or 2 that this is, really very difficult for me. It really and truly is. I have to say it again firmly believe that I walk firmly believe that I walk these steps, and sometimes I'm not even aware of of what I'm doing and where I'm walking. But in order to calm myself down because I have those awful butterflies that make me feel like I'm gonna throw up again, I'm gonna, get a little humor going here.

I'm gonna describe my week. You know, if it were not for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and if it were not for the 12 steps, I would not have survived this week. I truly would not have. I started the week by having to move out of my home. This does not make me a happy camper.

This is the 2nd summer I've had to do it. This last year, I was promised I would not have to do it again, but I did. I live in a house in Seagirt that is owned by my children. Billy and I were just talking about it. He says, where do you live?

You know, he makes this big joke when I talk about how poor I am. And he's, where do you live? And I said, well, I live in Fairhaven right now, and you winter where? And I've said in secret, but, you know, it sounds so much better than it is. You know, the house is owned by my children.

That's an interesting concept. So my children are my landlords. It works both ways. Sometimes if I don't feel like paying my rent, I can say I don't feel like it, and there's not too much they're gonna do to their mother. You know, however, I do try to to take care of my obligations because that, again, is is just part of this recovery thing.

You know? Taking responsibility for the things I don't want to do. Anyway, so but because my children inherited this house from their grandmother, it's wonderful. She gave them a beautiful house. She did not leave them any money to maintain it, which is my job.

You know? I maintain it by being there and keeping it up and taking care of the heat, you know, and all this stuff. However, we needed a new roof and new windows. Now I don't have those kinds of finances. They don't have those kinds of finances.

They got enough trouble maintaining their own homes. So what do you do? Mother. The mother has to move in with the daughter who is not married, who is 42 years old, who is very set in her ways as is her mother. And so you spend a lot of time pussyfooting around, and we do.

Billy and I were talking about it on the way up. It's it's sad. It's I don't know that it's sad. It's just something that we do. You know?

She doesn't wanna step on my toes, and I don't wanna step on her toes. And she's very independent as a single woman, and I'm very independent as a single woman. And she wasn't supposed to be there. Managing partner managing partner of her law firm, I'm tempted to call him up and tell him what I think he ought to do with my daughter. But I haven't gotten that far yet.

Anyway, I had to move, and it's very traumatic. And I have this cat, and it was traumatic for him. He hid for a day under the bed, didn't know where he was. So that was my weekend. You know, pack everything up, make sure the house was clean, whatever, move up, unpack.

Now I would now this is the best part of the whole week. I went to work Monday morning, about 10 or 9. I went to wash out the coffee cups because that's what I do. And, there must have been a loose piece of ceramic or something because the next thing I know, I had cut my finger. And because I'm old, I take an aspirin every day, so I bled like a stuck pig, and I couldn't make it stop.

All right. So I'd spent about 10 minutes trying to do that, and that didn't work. I'm very fortunate. Paramedics have a base upstairs in my office building. I will go see the paramedics.

So I went up to the paramedics, and they couldn't make it stop bleeding. So I said, in my infinite really good for you. There's a problem here. I don't know where the hospital is. I don't know the Long Branch area.

And and finding the hospital and the emergency room alone was an experience. I wanted a big sign with an h. I just wanted to see that sign. You know? Turn here.

There is no such animal in Long Branch, New Jersey. This hospital. Then I get to the hospital. Now there's a big sign, and it says emergency room parking, emergency patients only. All others will be towed.

That's me. And I pull up, and it's got one of those gate things. You know? And guess what? The gate did not go up.

And I sat, and it didn't go up. So I said to this, backed up, went parked on the street, walked into the hospital and said, I'm finally here. And to make a very long story short, 2 2 stitches later and a big bandage, I walked out of the emergency room. So I now have 2 I have been dispossessed. I am homeless.

I want you all to feel sorry for me. You know? And I have 2 stitches in my finger, which has made it very difficult to do my job as a legal secretary paralegal this week. It was rather interesting till I took the big yeah. No.

Well, you hit the it's the q, the a and the shift key is really difficult. And I was back to doing what I see some people doing, which is hunt and peck. You know? It was this business until I could take the big bandage off and put the little one on. This one hasn't done much better, but it is better.

So, anyway, now my butterflies are kinda settled, and you've shared in my story of my trauma. And, you know, it's gotta get better. I mean, that's all I know. It's just gotta get better. And and I will not say it can't get worse because I know better.

I know better. So tonight, I'm supposed to share on my experience the way I understand it, with steps 6, 7, 8, and 9. Step 6 is for me the the very last of the owning up steps. I think I shared here last week and maybe the week before, I can't remember, that for me, 4, 5, and 6 are owning up steps. That's where I own up to the things that are wrong in my life and the things that I need to change.

And so for me, that is what step 6 is, the last of the owning up. Now when I get into 7, 8, and 9 and I'm walking those steps to the best of my ability, step 7, 8, and 9 for me are the paying up steps, and that's where I pay. And I pay up and try to make the amends for all of the things that I did wrong when I was in my act of alcoholism. I could narrow 6 and 7 down real simply because I like to keep things as simple as possible by telling you that step 6 for me is to stop I a God remove these defects of character. Well, where are my defects of character?

You know, in order for me to, to find them, I need to go back to my 4th step. And every one of them is there as blatantly as possible. I mean, they're right there. They're staring me in if I've done relatively good 4th step. But I've also shared that I've done several 4th steps.

And my very first, 4th step was, as I I'm sure that I I talked about, was writing my life story going back as far as I could remember and keeping margins really narrow and then going through and reading through it. And in the margins, writing out, you know, what character defects or assets I might find. So when I did my first 5th step, which I did when I was about I'm trying to think. 8 months 7 or 8 months sober. Close.

That's become willing to have those defects of character removed. And I was really very sick, and I'm not embarrassed to tell you that. I mean, if I was in rehab for 4 months, I, I just I didn't certainly didn't know that I was self centered. I really didn't. I really didn't.

I really didn't. I really didn't. I really didn't. I really didn't. I really didn't.

I certainly didn't know that I was self centered. I really didn't. I would have told you because I firmly believed it as an active alcoholic that all I did was give. And I gave and I gave and I gave and I got nothing back. Poor me.

You know, poor me. Pour me a drink. And, and and that so my very first 6 step, that's exactly what it was. It was very simple. I became willing to have these defects of character removed.

I did not wanna lie anymore. I really didn't want to lie. I didn't want to rob, and I I never specifically stole well, I did take money out of my husband's pocket. I was about to say I never did, but, you know, that's not the truth. My husband had this wonderful habit.

He, oh, he never made change. He just if it was 5 dollars 50¢, he'd grab a 10. You know? And he would take all that change and shove it in his pockets and never take it out of his pockets. So if I need to change money for booze, you know, those things that were so expensive for me after a while, I just would start going through all the pockets.

Winter coats were fabulous. I mean, winter coats were oh. I mean, you could make a lot of money in the pockets of his winter coat. Trust me. So I was about to say I never stole, but I really did.

But I think most of all, what I did was I robbed. You know? I robbed my children of a youth. I really did rob them of that. And it and it took a 4th, 5th, and 6th step for me to really see that, that I, I was a drunk mother.

My children could not bring people to my house. They just couldn't do it. They just never knew what was going to greet them, who was going to be there, what kind of a mood I was gonna be in. They just didn't know. And so I robbed them of a lot of the freedoms that a lot of kids growing up today have.

And there's no way I can give that back to them. You know? That comes in my 10th step, but and my 8th and my 9th too and to continue to do these things. So that was my very first, 6th step. And then in my 7th step and have to go back and forth because, you know, it's what I did early on and then, you know, how it how it has affected me today.

And I have some really I have a a wonderful example of a 7th step, later on in my sobriety. And then in my 7th step, I humbly ask god to remove those defects of character. But I also have I always have asked god to remove the defects of character that stand in the way of my connection to God. That's just really, really important to me. Some of these minor things, and this is just off the cuff, you know, some of this minor stuff.

But if it interferes with my connection with the God of my understanding, then these are the defects that have got to go. This is where I have to start doing those things that I don't wanna do. You know? Sometimes I don't want to be kind to people, and that's the truth. I've I've got a client right now that if I had my druthers, I'd go kick her butt from here to California.

If I could do that, if I could tell her exactly what I thought, that's what I would do. But I know today that I can't do you know, that's what I would have done, and I wouldn't held a job very long either. Today, I know that's not what I can what I can do. You know? I have to be kind to people.

I find the kinder that I am, and the more that I give, the more I get back. That's and, you know, when I when we talk about character defects or things that I don't wanna do, one of the things that I didn't wanna do anymore was I didn't wanna smoke. I didn't wanna smoke anymore. I really didn't. And I had to become willing for God to remove that defect of character because for me, it was a defect of character.

It was affecting my health. I knew that. It was making me sick. My house stunk. My car stunk.

My clothes stunk. My hair stunk. I didn't know that, but that's the way it was. And so I had to become willing for God to remove not I had tried many, many times to quit drinking and couldn't do that until I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I had to become willing, and the only way that I could do that was to to, ask God to remove this defective character.

And by doing that, the way I did it was I went through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as far as my smoking was concerned. And I started with step 1 where I admitted that I was powerful over smoking, you know, and my life was unmanageable as a result. And then I came to believe that, you know, there was a power that could restore me to sanity and bring some sanity into my life, and I just walked my way right through. Was it easy? No.

It wasn't. It was probably one of the hardest things I've done in sobriety, but it worked. And my last cigarette was on October 30th 1986. And then now I got sober on whatever, May 12, 1983. Was it wasn't easy, but I did it.

And, it have heard people, you know, talk about other addictions other than alcohol that they've had that they that they have worked through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. For me, the only one I can think of right now is my smoking. But then from the podium here, and if you've ever heard me speak any place else, then you know that I have shared about my 10th year of sobriety, which was without a doubt in sobriety. I was about, three and a half years sober, I think, shortly before my 4th anniversary. I was married in February, and I celebrated 4 years that May.

And it was a very poor choice on my part. I'm not gonna husband bash from the podium because that's not my job. It was, most of what happened was, if I look at it honestly, was probably my own fault. It probably was, because I I gave more than I should have given, and I I did a lot of things that I could have stopped and I didn't stop it. And I like to share it from the podium because I know that there are other men and women who are in the same position.

And, no, I woke up one morning, and I have this sign on my mirror wherever I live, and it says you are looking at the problem. And I got up this morning, and I looked in the mirror, and I looked and I said to my I looked in the and I just said, I did not get sober to be this miserable. I cannot continue to live like this. And at the time, I was doing some private practice with a private attorney and we happened to do matrimonial. And I remember one of the many gifts that I've been given through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is if I don't know how to do something, I know someone who does.

You know, that is a great gift for all of us. I no longer am afraid to tell you I don't know. I didn't know. I knew the I knew the court procedure, but I just didn't know how to do this. And I remember going and sitting in Cummings office that Monday morning with the tears pouring down my face and telling him, I cannot live like this.

I can't do it. I said, I don't know how to get out of this and get out of it gracefully, so I'm just gonna turn it over to you and you just do what you gotta do. And, my life started to fall apart in front of my eyes. I my husband came back to New Jersey. I was left with no support other than the what I was making, which certainly was enough.

It had supported us for the first 6 years of our marriage, but he had had this wonderful Social Security that, paid my mortgage, and now I didn't have that. And and I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, and I would come home, and I didn't know if I was gonna have a roof over my head, and I didn't know if lights were gonna be on. I truly did just didn't know. And I watched this, and I started to get so much anger and and all of these old character defects started to come back. The anger and the resentment and the animosity and how could he do this to me.

And, you know, I had a wonderful sponsor in Still Averton, South Carolina who reminded me that, you know, I played a big part in this, and I had to look in at my part. I had to look at what what had I done. So life went on. I talked about Barry and Joseph upside down. I shared that in my story, and then I couldn't find them when I went to dig him up because I want I was told that was the best way to sell my house, and my house didn't sell.

And, I mean, things were tough. If it were not for my children and my brother, I don't think I would've made it. They supported me financially so that I could keep my head above water. I'm proud to say that I paid everybody back the minute I sold my house. That was part of, you know, something I had to do, which is part of my immense.

So now, you know, I've gone all the way up to the 9th step, but I owed them. I mean, I really did. I owed them. They, they helped me to keep my eye my head above water. Story I needed to do was I needed to do a written 4th step on this particular situation, and I had needed to look at, I've said it many times.

Most of my, problems are fear based. You know? I'm either gonna not get something that I want or I'm gonna lose something that I have. And, boy, I was about losing everything. But the only thing I wasn't losing was my sobriety.

And the only reason I wasn't losing my sobriety was that I turned my will and my life over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous for a year, and I did nothing without them carrying me. And that's the truth because I was incapable of carrying myself. I had reached a point where the pain was so bad that I believed I was going to die. I I did not know how to relieve this pain, and I didn't know how to get out of it. And this wonderful sponsor and the women and alcoholics anonymous literally carried me for almost a full year.

So I did this written 4th step, and then I shared, when I was talking about 5th step last week, that this was one bad 5th step that I had. I went to this priest in my church who, really made me feel awful by the time I was finished, but my sponsor made me feel better. And and I learned a great lesson from that about how to be careful about who you take your 5th step with. And, anyway, I did this 5th step, and then I went home and I got quiet, and I I begged God. I said, I am willing.

I will do anything. I just need this removed. You know, this I I can't go on with these feelings and and be a good solid citizen in recovery and do my job to the best of my ability and take care of the other things that I need to take care of. And although I would stand here that 10 years ago and I would tell you that the animosity and all of that went away, the truth is it didn't. And that ugly little old Irishman that I talk about who I love so dearly, I called him and I said, Jim, I you know, this is I don't know what to do.

He said to me, you are stuck in the 7th step. And I said, I am not stuck in the 7th step. I have read the 7th. I understand the 7th step. I have I have humbly asked God to remove this shortcoming.

You are stuck in the 7th step, 7 times 70. I said, what you're saying is I'm to read the 7th step 70 times. He said, that's what I said. I said, I'm not doing that. I will read it a couple of times.

I'm not reading that 7th step any 70 times. And so I did what he told me to do. I didn't read it 70 times, but I did read it. I carried my step book with me, and whenever I had some free time, I would pick up and I would open to the 7th step, and I would read the 7th step. And then I went to a conference in, Myrtle Beach in January.

I go every January, 2nd weekend in January. You're all welcome. It's wonderful. It's just fabulous. Weather is usually pretty good.

Rooms are $35 a night. Oceanfront, I mean, airfare is about $180 round trip. It's a wonderful 4 day weekend. And, I'll make sure that when I get the flyers that Ron has them, and then he'll pass them out. You know?

And, really, it is it's a one oh, it's just a fabulous conference. And so I went to this conference, and I was still living in Charleston. I had, I think I had sold my house. Yeah. I was living in an apartment, and, I walked upstairs and I walked in.

And the first person I I ran into was my friend Ed Collins, and Ed said to me this is Ed with 2 d's, I want you to know. Southern. It's Southern, e d d. Southern. And Ed said to me, ah, gee, and I just had the most wonderful conversation with your former husband.

And I said, where? And he said, here. And my first thought was how dare he? How dare he come to this conference. This is my conference.

How dare he come and make me miserable. And all of that had come back again. You know? It all come back. And then the next person that I ran into was a wonderful, wonderful friend of mine.

His name name is Ray m. He's a retired Methodist minister. He's been sober a very, very long time, time, and he was friends with both my former husband and I. And Ray said to me and I said to him, Harold, he's here. You know?

And Ray said to me, Jean, what you are doing is you are giving him free rent in your head, and what you need to do is you need to go and talk to him. And I said, I can't do that. And he said, you're not gonna get rid of this until you do. So I was sitting in the meeting. He was sitting about 3 rows in back back of me.

I was sitting next to my friend, miss Ruby. Miss Ruby just celebrated 50 years of sobriety. She's a wonderful, wonderful old lady. I love her dearly. And and I was telling Ruby and whatever, and we got ready to say the Lord's Prayer.

And as we're holding hands saying the Lord's Prayer, this thought went through my head, and I know it was God speaking to me. I know it as sure as I stand here tonight. And this thought went through my head, and it said, you have to go talk to him. And so I did as soon as the Lord's prayer was over, and I went up and I turned around, went back. I said, hello.

How are you? He said, fine. Thank you. How are you? And, he talked to me for 45 minutes.

Now I want you to know that that's 45 minutes longer than he ever talked to me in all of the 7 years that we were married. You know, he just talked to me. And as God is my witness, when I walked away from there, all the anger, all the resentment, and all animosity was gone. It was gone. And I called Jim that Monday morning, and I said to him, I think I know what you meant about being stuck in the 7th step.

I said, I think the lesson I learned was that sometimes God wants me to do more work before God will remove those character defects. It was a powerful, powerful message that I got. And when I just talked to him a couple weeks ago when I was, getting ready to start to do this, I said to him, well, now, Jim, can I share that 7th step? I, you know, I always need I still need validation. I said, I did get this.

That was the lesson, wasn't it? You know, we have this big thing about what was the lesson. You know, I always learn a lesson, good or bad. About what was the lesson. You know, I always learn a lesson, good or bad, no matter what happens to me.

So that's my lesson on the 7th step, and I firmly believe that there are times when I just need to do a little bit more. And so when those character defects start to raise their ugly heads, I need to step back and I need to look, and I need to see what is it more that I need to do before God will remove them, because they just I haven't done enough yet. When I got to the, 8th and the 9th steps, again, I didn't do them real I didn't do the 8th steps really, really good in the very beginning. You know? I had a few people on my list.

I had my children on my list. I had my husband, my first husband, who had since divorced me. And, I had my parents, I had my in laws because I hadn't been very nice to them. Of course, they hadn't been very nice to me either, but that doesn't count, and I know that today. I am really grateful to the God of my understanding that, he gave me enough insight into the 8th step and the 9th step.

Because the 8th step was just making a list. That's all it was. It's just making a list. You know? The people I believe that I that I owe my amends to.

I was about a little over a year sober. It was that July, so it was July of 1984. I remember sitting on the front porch of my former home with my former husband, and, and I was able to make my amends to him as best as I could do it right then and there. He had a a real resentment. I understand it, I guess.

He really did not understand the disease of alcoholism. I tried to explain to him that what I did, I did really didn't do of my own volition. You know? Alcohol controlled my life. Alcohol made these And accept it very well, but that was okay because that's not wasn't the purpose.

The purpose was for me to make my amends to him and to tell him how very, very sorry I was for my behavior because my behavior caused him a lot of embarrassment in his, profession, in the town, with my children's friends. And, and I'm coronary massive coronary on August 18, 1984. He was 49 years old. His death also taught me a great lesson, taught me to do what I wanna do when I wanna do it and do it now because he spent we spent a lot of time. We were married for 24 years, and the only reason that he divorced me was a result of my alcoholism.

He loved me to the day he died. He dated several women after we were divorced, and they couldn't stand being with him because all he did was talk about his wife. You know? And so and that's all he talked about to his children too, but he couldn't either forgive forgive nor forget. And, and that was his problem and not mine.

We became very good friends. We really did. We had 2 beautiful children together, who are who have turned out to be so successful. And it's just, I cry when I think about the fact that he wasn't here to see this. You know, he didn't see his kids graduate from college.

He didn't see them get their, master's degrees. He didn't see my youngest daughter get married, to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful grandchildren children who he would have loved. You know? He he he missed the boat. You know?

It was sad. Very sad. So, anyway, I did make these amends and then he dropped. And, and I'm grateful that God gave me that opportunity. Because, you know, I believe that God does give us the opportunity to do what we have to do when we have to do it.

I believe that God puts us in in a place when we're supposed to be there. I have haven't made amends to my second husband. I probably owe him amends. I probably do. Do doing this has has made me, you know, look at it a little more closely.

Although, now that my anger and my resentment and and all of that is gone, I'm trying to look at my part, you know, and what I did. And the only thing that I did and and on the my only part was that I gave too much. And I don't know that I owe amends for giving too much. I don't know that I owe amends for supporting someone. I don't know that I, you know, I don't know that I owe amends for putting a roof over somebody's head.

I just gave too much. And because I did, he wasn't required to contribute too much. And, but that is something that I need to, look at and I need to talk to my sponsors about, and I'll I'll see if, they feel that there's something that I should do. You know? I might write him a note and just tell him I'm really sorry.

Although I do call him and I do I have called him and I do see him every Tuesday night at my big book study, so I find that interesting that each week that we're together, it's a little bit easier for me to be in the same room. And maybe just by doing that, you know, I can make my amends. My My children. I, you know, I never lost the love of my children. I lost their trust and I lost their respect, but I never lost their love.

You know, I was their mother and they loved me because I was their mother. They didn't like like me, trust me, or respect me when I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But then again, I wasn't likable, and I wasn't trustworthy. And it blows my mind today because, my youngest daughter and bigwig with Continental. I don't know exactly what it is.

It's not important. But, anyway, his wife is turning 40, and he's flying 2 couples to Cancun for the week 1st weekend in June. And guess who's gonna babysit. You know, now I remember a point in time in my life when they wouldn't have asked me across the street, much less trusted me with their children, their house, and their and my grandpuppy. Well, he is.

He is my he knows he's my grandpuppy. I can remember a point in time when they would not have trusted me. You know? I'm gonna babysit tomorrow night, not because I have to, but because I want to. You know?

They have some place they wanna go, and I love to go with my grandchildren. God has given me this wonderful opportunity. I'm the best wrestler that there is. I want you to know with a 7 year old. And one night when we were wrestling and he had a little friend over and his friend was wrestling too, I looked at him and I said, Dan, do your other friends do your does your other grandmother do this?

He looked at me. He said, of course not. He said, then can you explain why I'm doing this? You know? But these are the joys that I get.

This has come through my my, 8th and my 9th steps, you know, making these amends. I cannot give back to my children what I stole. I cannot do it. You know, they had no depended upon whether they were happy with me or sad with me, whether they lied for me and said I was asleep or told him I was out at some bar drinking and they didn't know where I was. You know, I thought for years didn't.

He called because he was concerned and he was worried that maybe I had a car wrapped around a tree someplace. I mean, there I was living in that big house in the ocean never knew. I've worked my never knew. I've worked my the trust and the respect from my children did not come back overnight. If anybody's in the same situation, I want you to know it doesn't come back overnight.

Years. It comes back when God's ready for it to come back, and I believe that. Now I had to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We still have incidents in our house today where we'll be together as a family and my daughter was my oldest daughter particularly, she will say something about remember when we. And I'll go, I don't I don't remember.

Where was I? Her answer to me every time is you were in the bottom of a bottle. Now in the early sobriety that used to cut me right here, you know, it used to just take me and and you might as well have just twisted it. But I know that the longer I stay sober, and I know the longer that I set an example for them, the easier it is. All, she all, she is allowing me to live in her home.

You know, it's not easy for either of, but she is allowing that. So I have trust and the respect, and I never lost their love. And I try to stay sober one day at a time and use that as an alcohol. And, and I just sit, and I alcohol. And, and I just sit and I watch, you know, because they know where to go, you know, if, God forbid, they ever discover they have a problem.

I try to give back to them as much as I possibly can. You know, part of making my amends to my youngest daughter is to be available to her when she needs a babysitter. If it's not gonna interfere with my life. That's just part of what I do today. And yet if I take a commitment now my son-in-law is better than she is.

If I take a commitment to lead this particular meeting, let's say, on a Friday night, which I have done, and then Cindy will start on me, well, mommy, could you you babysit? And Ed will say, she cannot babysit on Friday night. You know? Comes June 1st, she can babysit on Friday, but she can't do it now. So you'll have to get a babysitter.

And, but there and I'm so grateful that my son-in-law has never seen me drunk. I am just so grateful. So God has been really good to me. This is not gonna go for this full hour. I'm here to tell you.

I started early, number 1, but I do something else to I did start early, and it's it's just not really that easy for me. But I do wanna talk I wanna talk about how I made my amends through the help of a lot of people to my parents. I know I shared when I told my story that, in 1976, I watched my mother die of massive throat cancer. I do not remember her funeral. Can't tell you one thing that happened or went on.

I I was there, but that was about it. And 10 months later, my father dropped dead of a massive and I don't remember his funeral either. It was a big massive thing, they tell me, with lots of big limousines and whatever. But don't ask me because, you know, I can't tell you. And, and they were both active.

Among my father was a period. My mother was a daily drunk. And, and so for a long, long time, I didn't really even think that I needed to make any amends to my mom and my dad. I mean, after all, they were the drunks in the family. But, you know, I participated as a teenager.

You know? I didn't make their life really that easy in many instances. I would get into a lot of screaming fights when I should have kept my mouth shut, but I didn't know any better. You know? And, there was a lot of friction in that house, and I know that I contributed some.

I wasn't the the main the main slammer, but, you know, I I contributed. And I really didn't know how to make amends to my mom and my dad. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, exactly where I was. That beginning of that horrible year, everything had seemed to have fallen in 10th. I hope 20th is a lot better.

You know? I really, really do, guys. Anyway, really, really do, guys. Anyway, my daughter was very, very pregnant with my granddaughter, although we didn't know it. She was a she at the time.

And there was a, baby shower planned for her. I mean, this is for me. This is how God works in my life. This is how God works in my life. There was a baby shower planned for her, I don't know, middle week in June or something.

And I was taking time off from my job in South Carolina where I was a paralegal, and, I was flying to New Jersey to attend this this baby shower for my, new my first grandchild. And, and, at the same time, my, my aunt died. My aunt by marriage. She was married to my father's brother and, the. So I got I flew up here on a Friday.

I think they had the service on Thursday, and I wasn't here, but they weren't gonna take go to the cemetery till Sunday. And so a very dear friend. He at the time, I talked to a very dear friend of mine, and he's still a a very dear friend. He, at the time, was, 56 years old, maybe, 55 years old, and had gotten this calling to go back and become a Lutheran pastor. And he was he seminary up in Columbia, and I was talking to Paul, and I I said to him, you know, Paul, I God is putting me there.

I'm not putting me to him, you know, Paul, I God is putting me there. I mean, I'm gonna be in that cemetery. She's gonna be buried right next to my mom, my dad, in this family plot. And I said, I feel this God calling thing thing that it's time for me to make my amends. But I said, I don't know how to do it.

And I've heard of people writing letters and doing all this kind of stuff. And he said to me, Jean, he said, when you go there, he said, I want you to go and I want you to stand at the foot of your parents' grave. And you just very quietly, you just say what you have to say to them about your part in the chaos in that home. And how very, very sorry you are. And how very, very sorry you are.

In the chaos in that home and how very, very sorry you are. And then He said to me, and then I want you to go up and I want you to stand at the head. And I want you to look back where you just were and imagine what your parents see. And I'm here to tell you it blew my mind. It is probably one of the most uplifting, relieving experiences that I have ever had.

Because I I had thought many times of going and just standing there and saying what I had to say. But, you know, never dawned on me to go around to the other side and look at where I had just been. And you know what? I knew what they saw because I know they're they're there, and I know that they watch down over me. You know?

And I knew that what they saw, they were really proud. I really knew that. And I knew that they were so happy for me that I had accomplished what I had accomplished since I've gotten sober. And I knew in my heart of hearts that they would that they loved me. Even though they never told me all those years, I knew in my heart of hearts that this is the way was supposed to be.

And so if anybody is having any problems making their amends to those people who are not here, try it. You have nothing to lose. You have absolutely nothing to lose. If your experience is like my experience, you know, it will blow your mind. It will clear up the wreckage of the past.

It will take care of all of those problems that we caused, and it will set set things right with the world. For me, it was probably, one of the greater spiritual experiences of my life. No. It wasn't an awakening, but it surely was a spiritual experience because I knew. As sure as I was standing there, I knew.

So for me, the first three steps are the given up steps, and the next next three steps are the owning up steps. And these last three steps are the paying up steps. And next week, God willing, I can share with you my growing up steps. I know for this alcoholic that if I don't take my sobriety seriously, god will take it away. He'll give it to someone who will.