Steps 3, 4 and 5 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of May, speaking on steps 345, and that will be Jean from Seeker. Hey, everybody. My name is Jean, and I am a grateful alcoholic. Hi, Jean. Before I even get into this, you all need to know that I don't do this well.

I do my story half well. I like to believe really and honestly that I I walk the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have a really tough time talking them. I just really do. So it it's I had to make myself some notes. I apologize for that, but I had to do it.

My notes are from my my own notes in my big book that's a little tattered and torn and a little worse for wear, but that's okay. It's, my security blanket. And before I even get into, talking about steps 3, 4, and 5, I just have a couple little things that I'd like to share. Monday was a real important day in my life. It was 20 years ago on Monday that I had my last drink.

And that is a miracle in my life. Truly is. It's a miracle in my life. And I don't know if this happens to anybody else when they get near their anniversary or birthday or whatever you wanna call it. I still get confused.

You know? It's an anniversary in the north. It's a birthday in the south, and it is what it is, I guess. And I don't know. Maybe it doesn't affect men as much as it does women, and maybe it doesn't affect all women the way it affects me, but my emotions were real close to the surface on Monday.

Very, very close to the surface, and and I did a couple of things that I do almost every year, because it's important for me to be reminded of where I am in my own sobriety. First thing I did was I called my sponsor in Point Pleasant at about 9 o'clock in the morning, and I said good morning, today, it's 20 years, and she said to me, it is not. And I said, yes. It is. And we started to reminisce and we started to talk about, you know, early my early sobriety and and where I am today.

And then when I got to work, I made 2 more very important phone calls. 1st, I called the the only counselor that's left at Alina Lodge that was there when I walked across the parking lot as a really sick person some 20 years ago. And he still every anniversary that he leads for me, he still tells the entire group assembled what a miserable, ugly witch I was, and and and I love him for it. So I called, and I didn't get him, but I did get, an answering machine, and I left him a message, and I told him a message, and I told him that he needed to know how important he was in my life and how important Alina Lodge is in my life because it was there that I learned how to finally knock down some those walls that I had built up for so very, very long. And I think I shared a little bit about that last week.

And then last but not least, of course, I had to call my sponsor in Charleston. You know, I I shared last week I can't give up either of them. You know, I'm afraid that if I give one of them up, that might be the one thing that might be keeping me sober. The same as I'm afraid to give up any of the meetings that I go to because I don't know which meeting it is that's helping me to stay sober. I'm afraid to hit my not to hit my knees every morning because that might be the ticket.

You know? That just a a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm afraid not to, a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm afraid not to continue on doing that, so I had to call her, got her answering machine. You know? And I left a message to her, but I got a very nice card from her today, and and it just made me feel really, really good. And then another the other thing that I I need to share from the podium, because I think if I share it from here, I know I'll be heard up there, and I lost a real dear friend Tuesday morning.

I had the privilege, and it was a real privilege to have a man by the name of Cornel Foy in my life. I met Cornel when I first moved to Myrtle Beach in 1988, and I don't even know how old or how sober he was at that time. I'd have to use math, and I don't add, subtract, multiply, or divide. But I know that I don't I don't balance a checkbook either, so you know what kind of trouble I'm in. But Corneal died Tuesday morning at the age of 93 with 53 years of sobriety.

And like I read from my thing last week from, from, Tom Chase in Tennessee, Cornel was another one of those who every time he saw me would tell And sit and listen. He talked about early sobriety in in South Carolina and Georgia. When he got sober, however long ago 53 years is, I don't know. But, anyway, when he I know. When he got sober, he lived in Savannah, Georgia.

And there were some people who lived in Statesboro, Georgia by the name of doctor doctor John and Dot Mooney and Cede and Ida Collins, and they were all in early sobriety. And they would drive from Statesboro, Georgia to Savannah and pick up Cornell, and then they would drive to Walterboro, South Carolina, and they would pick up miss Ruby Hamilton and her husband. Miss Ruby just celebrated 50 years. And then they would might go on up to Florence. Now in distance in New Jersey, I'm trying to think it's probably like driving from the Delaware Memorial Bridge all the way up to Blairstown.

I mean, that's about how far they went in those years just to get a meeting. And Corneal would talk about he'd listen to people today and analyze and do all of this, and he would and he would say, why do they wanna complicate it? Why do they wanna complicate it? It is so simple. And he was a big influence in my life.

He left a fabulous legacy, and I know he's up there, and I know he's running the next meeting. I know that. I know that for a fact. I know he's where he's supposed to be. They're gonna have a memorial service for him on Sunday at the Alamo Club in Myrtle Beach.

Unfortunately, I can't quite get there. I wish I could. But my thoughts will be there, and, and it was just a privilege to know him. So I had an up and a down again this week, you know, one of those things. And and, I've hopefully learned how to balance things out a little bit.

Last week when I shared my story in in parts of 1 and 2 about my powerlessness, which was obvious, I think, if if you listen to it. I mean, I had no power whatsoever. And, the things that I did, you know, I used to say I wake woke up in bedrooms and boardrooms in places that I didn't belong, greater than myself and was not myself that could restore me to some type of sanity. And, you know, unfortunately, for a long time, I thought about sanity as, you know, you were either insane or sane. If you were insane, you were in Marlboro, and Marlboro's down there now, because I'm in the wrong part of the state.

And, you know, and if you were saying you were walking around, and I I it took me a long time to understand what the insanity in my life was. And when I was really able to take a really good look at it, I I did believe I did believe that there was a power that was greater than me that could restore me to sanity. And now we get to step 3. Anything that I say is my own opinion. That's been announced already before, and anything I say is really probably not, novel.

It's nothing I made up. It's something I heard somebody share at some point in time that made an impact on me and made me remember it. For me, steps 1, 2, and 3 are the giving up steps. You know, I am giving up. I am giving up my power.

I am hopefully giving up some unmanageability, and I'm hopefully giving up my insanity to get some sanity. And, the principle of step 3 for me is faith. You know, once I am able to turn my will in my life over to the care of this God as I understand It's a it's a faith. I have to develop the faith in my life to be able to do that. Once I've been able to do that, for me, I find that it gives me courage.

I have to develop the faith in my life to be able to do that. Once I've been able to do that, for me, I find that it gives me courage. I have to develop the faith in my life to be able to do that. Once I've been able to do that, for me, I find that it gives me courage. It gives me the courage to continue on this journey in steps 4 through 12.

So I heard somebody say once that if, my will was action and my life no. My life was action and my will was thinking. Then all I'm is turning my thinking and my actions over to somebody else. That's all I'm doing. You know, it doesn't say that I give up my independence.

It doesn't say that I can't continue to go and do the things that I've been doing. It just says that I can no longer be the power in my life. I cannot do that. I met a fellow quite a few years ago up at a little his anonymity at this point. And, I don't.

No. I I break mine all the time. And but Freddie Freddie had a wonderful analogy. You know, a lot of things that I that I do and I get from the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is is an analogy. It's it's picturing it a different way.

And Freddie used to say that, turning your will in your life over to his care of God was like hiring a babysitter to take care of your children when you're going out. And that makes a lot of sense to me. When my children were younger and my husband and I wanted to go out to dinner, I hired a babysitter. I asked a babysitter to come into my house, and I asked this babysitter to take care of my children because I was incapable of watching and taking care of my children at that moment. I was incapable of doing that.

I was going to be. I was not available. So for me, me, if I turn my will and my if I if I picture God as my babysitter for my life, then all I do is I turn my will and my life into my life into my life, and I turn my will and my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life. I turn my will and my life into my life into my life into my life. I turn my will and my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my life into my understand.

That I I cannot I don't know how to analyze all of this, and and I'm not a student. I'm really not. I'm not a student of of, the history of Alcoholics Anonymous and the big book and the 12 steps. I I live these steps. Had a had a general idea on how I could do that.

Also, for me, one of the things that I do with the problems in my life that I need need to turn over to this higher power of mine who, I honestly can tell you is my relationship with God has have, right now, I have a real god box. I mean, I have a real honest god box. Was and it's about this big, and it says Jean's God box. Now before I got my God box, I had an old shoebox that I used, and then I had an old pocketbook that I used for a while. It's a beautiful pocketbook.

Actually, it's wooden, and it's shaped about like this. And and I used to take, sticky notes, and I would write down all of these things that I just was I would find that many times in in my sobriety, my sobriety has not been an easy journey, and, and I would find many times that there were incidents and situations over which I had no control, but I, of course, was trying to take control. And, yeah, because I have always felt that I could do it better than anybody. You know, if you would just turn it over to me, I would handle it. But, unfortunately, I can't do that in many, many instances.

So I do use my God box, and I would take these, yep, these pieces of these sticky notes, and I would write whatever it was, and I would put it into my god box. And then I would put the god box away on a shelf in my closet. And there was something about doing that that allowed me to turn it over, to turn that part of my life over. I remember, last week, I I did share and I will share more because some good did come out of, when I was about 4 years sober, I guess. I went and got married.

I had been divorced. My husband had first husband had divorced me as a result of my alcoholism. I was no longer welcome into my home. I had no place to go. Rehab was a good idea, so I went there and stayed as long as I could.

And I shared last week that no member of my family came out of the closet. You know, it's a cute little thing. You know? You quit drinking. Why don't you come live with me?

You know, nobody offered to do that either, so I was kind of up the creek without a paddle. I was 45 years old. I had no home. I was gonna have to go to work. I'd never held a job in my life, and things were not very good.

And that was really where I first learned how to turn my will and my life over to a care of God because I knew I had no control over this. And I knew whatever God had in in store for me would would be fine if I would just believe. And, but when I was about I think I was about 4 years sober, maybe 3a half or 4, I got this brilliant idea that I would get married, and it was not a good choice. There were some people who did try to, talk me out of it. And because I'm so hardheaded and I still have a lot of self will, I didn't listen.

And, about 7 years down the road from that, when I was 10 years sober, I I went through a second surrender that, where I I truly had to surrender anything and everything that I had under the care of this this God that that had brought me that far because I could not anymore. The pain was so bad at that point in time in my life that I really believed I was going to die. The miracle of the whole thing was I never thought about a drink. I mean, that was just amazing to me. The thought of a drink never came through my head, but I was financially destitute.

I was about to lose my home. I was working a good job. I was working 6 days a week, but I just couldn't do it all all by myself, and I and I had been left in that position where I had to do it. So I remember then I every night, I would sit down. I mean, this wasn't a one shot deal for the God box folks.

This was every night I sat down, and because I could not obsess over it anymore. And every night, I would write whatever it was. I needed to sell my house. My house wouldn't sell. You know, I needed to get on with my life.

I needed to get a divorce. I this man wanted anything and everything I had or have had ever had and plus a little bit more than maybe didn't have. And I wouldn't I just wasn't willing, you know, to give up all of that stuff, and I needed guidance and direction. And so every night, I wrote a note to the God box. And every night, I opened it up, I put the note in.

What was so wonderful about my God box was that about once a year, I go and I clean it out. And now when I open it up, and it's absolutely amazing to me, whatever things I have turned over to the God of my understanding that have taken care of themselves, just taken care of themselves. And so step 3 for me is a really, really very important step, and it's something that I need to do. I need to do it every day. I need to do it every morning when I hit my knees.

And I'll talk about hitting my knees probably later, but I will tell you that for this old lady, it's very difficult to hit your knees. So what I do is I roll out of bed. I roll. It's a not a pretty sight, folks. But I roll because I know if my feet hit the floor, there's no way I'm gonna hit my knees.

You know, osteoarthritis has taken over, and so it's just easier for me before I start moving in the day that I roll over. And I roll down, and my knees hit the floor, and then, you know, I do that third step one more time, and I just thank God for this day. And I ask God to please allow me to stay away from a drink one day at a time, you know, just for today, and to do with me as he can do with me, to use me for whatever purpose it may be that God has in store for me. I don't I don't know what that purpose is, but I do know that God does take care of, he takes care of drunks and children, and he's taken really good care of me. And I also, a friend of mine said a long time ago that it's a good thing that I turn my will and my life over to the care of God because at least then it's not in the hands of an idiot.

And and I think that's probably very true. I mean, look where it got me to begin all that there is to it. My sponsor, Gene, in South Carolina also, has said that, a lot of people have because I think we feel that we're just giving up our lives. You know, we're just giving up everything that we are. And for me, that is not true.

You know, I'm just turning something over because I can't do it. But she has always said, and I have it written in my I can't remember which book it is it's written in, whether it's my step book or my big book. I honestly don't. That the power of God is not controlling. Power of sustaining.

You know, it allows me to to do what I do today. If I didn't have a belief in a higher power, I truly do not know where I would be today. You know, this has sustained me through through the death rotten second marriage that almost killed me, rotten second marriage that almost killed me. God has carried me. Know, it always takes me back to footprints.

You know, why that last line. You know? God, you know, didn't leave me. God carried me. But God carries me, I believe, by putting different people in my life.

He does. He puts certain people in my life at a time when I need it. And it may not be the time when I think that they should be in my life, but they're there. And I learn and I sometimes don't even know why they're there till they've left. You know?

Until they've left. And my second husband is a very good example of that. God put that man in my life. We got married. It was not good.

I remember waking up one morning, looking in my mirror. I have a sign on my bathroom mirror. No matter where I live, it's there. I do them now on on labels, and says you are looking at the problem. Well, I also know that if I'm looking at the problem in that mirror, I'm looking at the solution.

You know? And that's what happened to me that morning. And I looked and I said, I didn't get sober to be this miserable. I wanna be miserable. I can go drink.

And that was when I made the decision that there had to be some changes in my life. But as I look back, that man was put in my life for a reason. I believe today first of all, I stopped ever, which I love, you know, so there was a purpose in that. And and he decided to move to South Carolina. Carolina.

I never would have done that. You know, I would have stayed around my family and plodded through, hating the weather and and whatever. And I had 11 marvelous years in South Carolina. Had a lot of people come into my life in that time who are still in my life today. Sometimes don't know the lesson until I'm way down the road.

And I'm way down the road. And I'm I sometimes don't know the lesson until I'm way down the road. And I look back, and I see how come and I see why. Step 3 for me is just is just a marvelous, marvelous step. It allows me to, put things up on the shelf, turn it over to a power that's greater than me, and watch for the miracles.

That's what step 3 allows me to do. And as I said, when I started this tirade or whatever it is that's pontificating that I'm doing, it gives me courage. That, for me, that's that's one of the things that comes out of the 3rd step is the courage. And in order to do the 4th step, I needed courage. I really needed courage.

I am still of the belief that, you take more than 1 4th step, 4th and 5th step. I believe that. Not everybody does. They believe you take a 4th and a 5th step, and then, you know, the rest of it is all handled by the 10th step. I know how sick I was.

I really do. I know how sick I was, and I know that how much stuff I had crammed all the way down. It was crammed down so far that it was not gonna come out right away, and I knew that. And I was told that when I was sitting up there at Alina Lodge. While I was there at the lodge, they do ask, ask you first thing you do when you go to the lodge, at least when I went.

I can't talk about it now because it's changed. What you go is you write your story. You write your life story, and you go back as far as you can remember and, and then work forward as far back as you can remember. I can remember back to about 5. Back as you can remember.

I can remember back to about 5. That's about as far back as I I can go, and those are bits and pieces. And when you write your life story, you're told to write and leave the margins really wide because when you're and it's only for you. Nobody else is gonna read it, which was wonderful. That was very that was a relief for me.

I sure didn't know anybody reading my garbage, because I did some really ugly things in my lifetime. And you're told reread your life story, and you can pretty much, at least I could, pick out some some of the character defects defects that were absolutely glaring. Absolutely glaring. My selfishness and my self centeredness was there. But what I had never realized was there that was so glaring was my arrogance, you know, my arrogance.

And what I know today, I did not know this when I did my first step, but I know it today, and I've probably only realized it in maybe the last year or so, is that arrogance was based on fear. You know? You back me into a corner and you start at me and I I really get scared. And so but rather than let you know that I'm scared or that I am fear based, then I'm gonna get as arrogant as can be because the more arrogant I am, the farther away you're gonna stay, and you won't come in here. You know?

And I couldn't let you in. I could not do that. So the very first thing I did back whenever that was was I wrote my life story. I still have it. It's horrible.

It's horrible. I mean, some of the things that were so fresh in my memory I mean, thank God, missus Delaney always used to say that God gives us a good forgetter. And I am really, really grateful that God gives me a good forgetter. Because periodically when I need a really a real jolt into reality, I go pull that sucker out. Now I have been die.

I die, when you die, Jean, you do not want your children to find that. Well, I didn't die yet and I burn it, but, you know, I'm thinking about it. Maybe it's probably not a bad idea. But I do. I go back periodically, and I read this, and a lot of my antics is a very good word.

My antics in late in my late alcoholism prior to getting sober were very real in my mind, what little bit I could remember. And so I wrote all of that stuff down, and I go back now. And you know how we talk about crossing over that line from problem drinking into, you know, alcoholism. We talk about that. Somewhere along the line in my sobriety for me, I don't know if anybody else has ever experienced this, I have crossed over another line.

The line I've crossed over is that when I talk about my act of alcoholism and the woman that I was, I swear to you, I do not know her. I do not know her. It's like I am out it's like an out of body experience. I mean, I talk about the things that I did. And for some reason, it it is just so horrendous to me.

Some of the things that the acts that I did, the people that I hurt, the the arrogance and the selfishness and the self centeredness, and I know I'm not like that today, so I have a hard time relating to this person that was back there. Very difficult for me. Alina Lodge, they what we had to do got this stuff. And I and at at Alina Lodge, they what we had to do was we had to write down our character defects and go to Webster's dictionary and look up the meaning. So I went and I looked up the meaning.

Arrogance, impatience, intolerance, arrogance, impatience, intolerance, immaturity. I mean, I could go on and on and on and on. And, and then we were advised or it was suggested, that's a really good word too. It was suggested that we write a a line or 2 about how that particular defect played a part in our own lives. So that was my very first 4th step that I ever, ever did.

It was the very best that I was capable of doing at the time. Absolutely the best. I could not have done a better 4th step. I hear people talk about, well, my first 4th step wasn't very good. I didn't feel that way time.

It was, and that's all that I was capable of getting out at that moment. So because of that, I know over the years I've taken 4 or 5 4th and 5th steps. I have done 1 a 5th 4th and 5th step on one particular issue. I found that was necessary for me, and it all relates back to my horrible, you know, my my bad marriage my bad marriage. I had to do it.

That was the only way I could get rid of the resentment and the anger and and, excuse me, all the other stuff that that went with it. I knew no other way to do it. So then I did this for then I got out of Alina Lodge. I was allowed to leave. I didn't think I was ever going to leave, but I was allowed to leave, and I left on September 25, 1983.

And I came home, and I remember that just prior to Christmas, I had at that point been divorced, because he got me for a few few things. You know? He didn't have to wait any 18 months like you do in New Jersey. Trust me. He didn't have to wait.

He had his laundry list. And, and I remember thinking that just prior to Christmas that maybe it might not be a bad idea if I did a 5th step. So I did my very first 5th step. Was it the best 5th step in the world? Was the best I could do?

Was the very best I could do at the time for where I was. Unlike a lot of people in in, who have I was gonna say not as much time, but that just sounds so arrogant. That's not what I'm trying to say. I have always, for me, taken my 5th step with, my parish priest. I have just always done that.

I have 2 sponsors. They know anything and everything that there is to know about. I've probably taken 5th steps with them and don't even know that I've done it, but I've never taken a formal 5th step with either of them. This is just for me. It's where I am most comfortable, and in the book, it tells us, you know, that you should pick someone with whom you are comfortable.

Says pick a minister, pick a, a doctor, pick, you know, another member of Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever. I had a wonderful priest when I first got out of rehab and at my little Episcopal church, which is literally around the corner from my house in Seagert, you know, because Seagert is so big. I told you last week how big it is. You know? 11 blocks north to south, 9 blocks east to west, can't get lost.

You know? And I could walk around the corner there if I wanted to. And and I remember I called father, Hulbert, and I asked him, you know, and and he was familiar with alcoholism. And what was even more interesting was he was familiar with seeing me as the town drunk. So and he was very willing to have me come, and he was very willing to have me sit down with him.

And And was it the best ever? Probably not. But I did feel relief when I when I walked out of there. I did feel like I had as much as I could bear and as much as I was capable of bearing. My My second, this next time that I got around to doing a a 4th step inventory, I I really did at that point, I had already gone to 1 Joe and Charlie.

Actually, I'd gone to 2. I I lie. I had gone Harold and I were living in South Carolina, and we had gone to a Joe and Charlie, big book study in Raleigh, which just blew my mind, because I big big book studies and whatever, but I'd never had it gone through so thoroughly where I sat with my marker and just kept marking and writing and marking and writing, whatever. And then, there was a friend of ours there who do does a lot did a lot of taping. He's he's, long retired now.

And Bob Paul came up to us and said, Joe and Charlie had just had a cancellation, and they had an open weekend, and would we like to do a big book study in Charleston? And, Charleston. And of course, we jumped at the opportunity, and we put one together in about 3 months, I think it was. We didn't have much time to think about it, but we just got going, and we did, and we found a place. And Joe and Charlie came, and and we had missus Delaney come down from Blairstown and be our Saturday night speaker, and she blew my mind because she sat in on sessions with Joe and Charlie, and she brought her pad and her pencil with her, and she took notes.

The woman was 40 some, almost 50 years sober. You know? Taught me a lesson. You know? Do you know I I can always learn something?

I can always, always learn, and I do learn. I learn to this day I learn. I went to a big I go to a big book study every Tuesday night, and I went to a big book study and we're almost like the 3rd or 4th page page before the end of the chapter to the agnostic. And, and I had my highlighter out, and I was underlining stuff that I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I swear to you, I lighter out, and I was underlining stuff that I swear to you I never saw, and I never saw it on that page. You know?

And I said, thank you, god. And because I'm still teachable, and things are popping out, and it's all dependent upon where I am in my own recovery, where I am in my recovery. And that night, I was supposed to, talked about change in that particular page and and how change comes and, you know, and, Bob Behzance always says that change I forgot to tell Billy's story. I forgot to tell Billy's story. Did you tell your story when you were here?

My favorite story. No. He didn't. About God doesn't row? Oh, I'm gonna tell God doesn't row.

Well, I got lost, but I do that. You know, I'm old, and I'm allowed to do that. I first met Bill, probably about 6 or 7 years ago now, back down in Charleston, and, and when I listen to him so I was at a young people's conference and don't even I don't wanna hear about it. I was at a young people's conference. It was wonderful, and and he was the I can't even remember for Saturday night speak.

I don't even remember. But he tells this wonderful story about, this whole thing, this recovery thing, you know, is a partnership. I row, God steers. That's just the way it works. I row, God steers.

There comes that point in time in my journey when I say to God, you know, God? I'm really tired of rowing. What I'd like to do is I'd like to steer. And God says, go right ahead. Just remember, I don't row.

And that is my favorite story. And every time I see him someplace, I ask him to remember to tell it because it is my favorite story. It just sort of sums the whole thing up. I tell the girls that I sponsor, you know, when they say start telling me they wanna do this or they wanna do that, I tell them that's just fine and dandy, but just remember, God doesn't row. You You know, if you think you can do it, you know, that's fine.

God does not row. Anyway, I got distracted again. So now we've done this these 2 book studies, and and we get to and so now today, when I do my 4th step, I do use the the sheets. I don't know how thorough I I am, but I'm as thorough as I can possibly be, you know, and I make a list of all my resentments and my fears. And then I go across and and I find out, for me, the most important part of the whole thing is what was my part.

What was my part? For so long, I wanted to go like this. You know? It was always somebody else's fault. You know?

If my mother hadn't been a daily drunk, if my father hadn't been a periodic, if my brothers hadn't tortured me, you know, if my first husband hadn't, if my second husband hadn't, if whatever whatever whatever whatever. But you know what? I had a part in it. And a lot of times I have the girls that I sponsor say, well, I didn't do anything. You know you know what?

Maybe maybe I didn't do anything, and maybe they didn't do anything, but I was in a place at a certain time when I shouldn't have been there. You know? So that's my part. You know? I have to look at my part.

What did I do? I have a a really good relationship today with my youngest daughter. I have an iffy relationship with my oldest daughter, and that's okay today. That's okay. My children are exactly where they were in their recovery the day I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous.

My children have never had a program. You know, I was the problem, and if I got better, then that would be fine. And unfortunately, I or fortunately, I did, and they didn't. You know? And I see all of the character defects.

I moved Saturday. That's the other reason my life is in a turmoil right now. I had to rent my house for the summer again because I need a new roof, and that's the only way you get a new roof. When you own a house in Seager, you rent it for the I'm not gonna be practicing the 3rd step and doing a lot of and a lot of inventory taken, folks, and she was supposed to be in Brussels, Belgium, living until September, and she told me today she's not going back for a couple of weeks. Weeks.

So we'll see. We did it last summer, and we survived, but, you know, it's anyway, today, it's hard. It's just very, very it's very hard for for this alcoholic to do that. I'm very independent. I've lived alone for a long time.

I've been single longer than I've ever been married, and it's just hard for me. I've got I'm set in my ways and to give up my space is very difficult, you know, but I have to do that. And I couldn't do it if I don't today, I just use I use that, you know, I use the sheets, and I do, and I go through and I look at my part. You know? And, and as I say, sometimes I've had to, I've I've done a very thorough one.

I've done it all the way through. I've gone to my parish priest. I've I've been relieved, and it's been really good. I can tell you about, the worst the best 4th 5th step I ever did, and I can tell you about the worst. And I tell it because it's a sign and a signal to all of us.

I learned a as I said, you know, everything I that comes out of my mouth is a lesson for me. Somewhere along the line, and I learned the lesson. When I was living in Charleston, I was about 8 years sober, I I guess, and, I decided it was time for another thorough housecleaning because, as I said, you know, I had I a lot of stuff stuff was slowly starting to emerge that I just wasn't even aware of. These were things that I needed to take care of. If I wanna lead a sober life, I have to take care of it.

I have to clean house. I have to do it. Can't move forward until I I clean this house. And so I went and I did it, and I did it as best I possibly could, and I called my priest, and he was a wonderful, wonderful man, father Clark. And I called father Clark, and I asked him if I could have an appointment I wanted to come and and do a 5th step.

And, do you know what a 5th step is? You know? And he said, oh, Jean, I'm very familiar. He said my father was an alcoholic. I have a big book in my office.

I have, you know, been to Al Anon, whatever. Okay. So I knew that he knew. And I have to tell you, it was a it was such a wonderful experience because he knew. And I went in and I sat down, and I remember he sat in front of me and he leaned forward and and he took my hands.

And he said, before we start this, we're going to pray. And we did. And then I spilled my gut and I went through my 4th step and I, you know, talked about this arrogance that was still there, although not as blatant as it had been in my selfishness and and other things, self centeredness, my ego. And then when I was finished, he, went through the 6th almost went through the 6th step with me. He said, we will pray again.

And he took my hands, and we prayed. And he prayed for peace for me. And then he kissed me goodbye and he and I left. And how cool was that? You know, that was just it was marvelous.

It was such a wonderful, wonderful feeling. And then, I went and I did, another the other 4th next 4th step I did, I was 10 years sober. I was in the middle of this horrible, horrendous mess. My kids were sending me money. My brother was saving my house for me.

The house wouldn't sell. I I even went and bought I'm not even Catholic. I went and bought one of those statues of Saint Joe, somebody. One of those one of those saints I was supposed to buy and bury him in my garden upside down, you know? And the great thing was that when I sold my house, I went to dig him up and I couldn't find him.

You know? So he's still in there, You know? I don't know if the other people that bought my house you know? But he's still there. I did look for him because then they said you're supposed to dig him up and take him to your new place, and I couldn't find him.

And he got lost somewhere. He got lost. So, anyway, I went and, and as I say, I was and anger and about and I was and anger and about and I was blaming myself, which I think a lot of us tend to do. How could I have been so in, received had an, received a a very nice inheritance from my father's estate, and and that managed to disappear I allowed it, and I was madder I was so angry with myself, and I just didn't understand. So I sat down.