The 15th Annual Sioux Empire Roundup in Sioux Falls, SD

Good evening, everyone. My name is Don Si. I'm an alcoholic. Good day, Don. And I am a member of the Mohican nation.

I was born for the turtle clan on my mother's side. I was born for the coyote clan on my father's side, and my Indian name is Tantanka Wambley. That was given to me by the Lakota elders when I was made keeper of the sacred hoop. But of all those, names, the one that I have to put on top, that's the I'm an alcoholic. I can never forget what that one is, and you taught me that.

Well, there's a lot of people here. Speak. Before I start, I was, would ask Tom if he would, give this tobacco to Howard and, he's the elder. And by offering that tobacco, I ask his permission to speak and to, share my story, tonight. That's how we do it back home is it's always offer that to the to the elders and ask their permission We also, have another thing that the elders always tell us to do.

They say that when people gather together, the first thing that you should do is to take the time to connect with each other, and then we become like one mind. And, that's a I guess that's why in our 12 steps, it says we because don't say I, it says we. We're all in this together. And, when I say the word connect with each other, what I mean is this. If I were to switch and start speaking my native language, what I'm gonna say next would be very easy to say because in our our language, it has the ability to describe a lot about the spiritual world.

And when we say connect with each other, there's a word that we have for that. It's called Netashneha. And what it means is you know, it's like when when two eyes meet, then there's a second lady, there's a feeling goes across. And when that feeling is there, then you nod your head or you, smile. Well, there's a feeling, so the elders say never start until that feeling is there, that that connectedness is there.

I don't know if you've ever been married to someone or maybe dated somebody, but they'll be looking right at you with their eye, And when you're speaking to them, that feeling is not there. And you can tell when it's not there. You feel like they're not listening. Then sometimes you'll even challenge them. You'll say, you're not listening to me.

Oh yes, I am. Well, what did I say then? Then they can't remember what you said. So they say, take that time to connect with each other, and that's how we were taught, to do that. And, how we do that is, I'm going to, and I guess this is to help me too, is I'm going to light some sage, just a little bit of sage.

And, first we put down these 4 colors, red yellow, black and white. And what that is to remind us when we connect with each other that the creator only made one race, didn't make 4 races, just made one race and that's the human race. Just like they made flowers, different color flowers, you know, birds, different color birds, so that when each one of us humans are born, then the creator gives to us a earth suit. That's all this is. This is just a suit.

And then, we walk around the earth on that. But this outside, this isn't who I am and you taught me that. It's inside. And so as we look around, we see our brothers and sisters from the four directions, and and we ask to connect at our heart level. And, how we do that is, I'm gonna like just a little bit of sage.

And in our culture, we're taught that, every plant has a medicine Pharmaceutical companies, they know this too. If they find that plant, they can make a lot of money if they can find that that has that medicine. The sage plant, what it does is it helps that connectedness to take place, you know. That's how that's how we are taught. It's called smudging.

So I'm gonna light just a little bit of this sage And I only light a little bit because sometimes when you mix tradition and technology, it's always up there somewhere We have to be, respectful to each other Then, we take a eagle feather, and then in that smoke, that medicine, it sticks to the feather, so we put that in there, and then you take it and you throw it, and it'll go way to the back of the room. And so this is how we're taught before we start to, to help us all to connect with each other. I set that there. And then the elders, they tell us that whenever you are, holding an eagle feather or you are in the presence of an eagle feather, they say you can't lie. So, I'm gonna say it right there because I'm a alcoholic, you know, and so I'll put it right there.

Well, one of the things that, you taught me out of many things is, whenever I'm to do this is to share my experience, strength, and hope, and to tell what it was like and what happened and, and how it is now. And, I know that, if I can just stick to that, I'll do really well. If I vary from that, then I'll I'll be in trouble. So that's what I'll try to do is, is to tell you that story. And maybe the best way I could tell you that story is to tell you a story that I heard when I first come into, into AA.

And it was one of the things that I heard that just really resonated inside of myself. And this guy told a story, he said, there was this arena and in this arena there was, looks like a boxing arena. And, on one corner there was this person in a black trunk snap, his name was alcohol. And then in the other corner, there was a person. That was me.

And, we were in this arena, me and Alcohol. And there was a lot of people was in there that arena watching. They come to watch. And then you know how they always do this in the very front row, they put a little barricade there, and they save that room for your family or your loved ones so they can sit right in the front row because they want them to have those special seats so they can get the best view. And so I wasn't long, my family came in and they sat right down there in that front row so they could see.

And then the referee called me and alcohol out there and, explained some rules. He said there's rules. And so, he explained to us the rules, and, we both agreed to those rules. No hitting below the belt, and there was all kinds of rules. And so, we hit our gloves like that, and we went and we sit down.

And, so pretty soon, the bell rang, and, me and the alcohol, we come out and we started doing it. And at first it was kind of fun. It wasn't no one was getting hurt. We were dancing around and boxing away at each other. And, alcohol seemed to be enjoying it.

I was enjoying it and, bell rung. We sit down and, we just was looking at one another, both of us smiling. And we got up there for that second round, we started dancing around. And, I don't know how he did it, but the alcohol snuck in a lucky punch, and it just kinda stung me really good and surprised me. And I I looked at the alcohol, and he said, oh, that was just a lucky punch.

He said, don't worry about it. And I didn't because, when I sized it up, I had all the confidence in the world who was gonna win that fight, and I knew it was gonna be me. And so we danced around there and sat down, bell around, we come back out, danced around. And this time, alcohol snuck couple of punches in. And, I was surprised by it.

But I'll call and said, don't worry about it. He said, you can whip me. And inside, I knew that I couldn't. I had that feeling when it come down to it because I hadn't used all my stuff yet. I had some stuff in reserve that alcohol didn't know about.

So this time I noticed, when I sat down after that bell rang, I noticed people started to leave. And, I just kinda caught that out the corner of my eye. And I think they, it was getting kinda boring what was going on there. But my family didn't. They were sitting right in the front row, and they were watching.

And by the time we got to the 6th and 7th round, the alcohol is, doing that whenever it wants. It's just stinging. I started to get a bloody eye and started to ache a lot of it. And each time the alcohol would throw that punch, it seemed to be worse. And it kept telling me, you can whip me.

And, inside of myself, I I knew that that was true. I knew that I could. And so we sit down after that round, and, they were putting water and stuff, you know, on to heal me. And, pretty soon I felt this tug on my arm, and it was my son. And he come up and he said, mom wants you to just come with us.

She said, let's just go home. Just get out of there, but come home with us. And I looked down at my son, and I said, you tell your mama just one more round. I got some tricks. I'm gonna I'm gonna use some.

You you sit there and you tell her to watch. And so that bell rang and we got out there and it was the other way. Alcohol had some tricks and it used and by this time my knees was all wobbly and, I was really hurting. And so, I was glad that bell rang because I come sit back down there and, I was sizing that alcohol up. That's all I was looking at, just looking at the alcohol.

And pretty soon I felt this tug in my arm, and I looked down at her and it was my daughter. And I said, what? And she says, mama says, if you don't come with us, we're gonna leave. And I said, you tell your mama just one more round. I said, I I got a trick.

Just tell her to watch. And so that bell rang, and I got out there with alcohol again. And I'm not sure I I I remember when they left. I I don't know, but they they did go. What she said she was gonna do, she did.

And I always am grateful that I didn't know it at the time, but she was an Al Anon. And Al Anon taught her some things that she really, really needed to know to love me in a way that she couldn't do that on her own. And between a crater and, what she learned at Al Anon saved my life, and so I have great respect for, for Al Anon that they are doing what they are doing in in helping so many of us. And so by the time I got to the last rounds there, I was on my hands and knees. When that bell would ring, I'd crawl out there and that alcohol wasn't following the rules anymore.

Stomping and kicking my head and doing all those things that we initially agreed that neither one of us would do to each other. The alcohol was doing it. And it was screaming down to me, you can whoop me. And even on my hands and knees, I had that feeling inside that I couldn't. That's what my thoughts were.

Then that last round, I was crawling out on my stomach out there, and all as I could see is the alcohols, the tender shoes. I couldn't even see the rest of it. And so it was there that I finally figured out that the alcohol was lying, And so I crawled out of that arena, and I I left there. And there was no one in that arena who sent me an alcohol. Everybody else was gone.

So I got out there. And, wouldn't you know, I started to heal up a little bit. And I remember this one day I got thinking. I said, You know something? I know some I know another trick.

So I put on my tenor shoes, and I went back in that place where the alcohol was. And there the alcohol was standing there in the corner with his arms on his ropes, big old smile on his face. And I said, alcohol, I'm back. And he said, I knew you would be. He said, I knew you'd be be I've been waiting for you because you can whip me.

You got a secret trick. And I said, yes, sir, I do. And so I walked in that arena. And he didn't even let me in the ropes. He's supposed to let you in the ropes.

He didn't do that. I immediately got trounced right down on my knees again. And so I crawled out of there, and, I was really wounded that time again. Would you know I would get thinking after a little while? You know, I know one more trick.

It's a kind of a secret maneuver. I think I could go in there, and I'll, I'll whip that alcohol. So I walked back in there, and wouldn't you know that alcohol would be standing right there? Big smile on his face. I said, alcohol, I'm back.

And he said, I knew you would be. And you know what happened. So I left that arena, and the last time I was in that arena was August 10, 1978. I have, But it was then that I came to you, and, I remember the first AA meeting I went to. It was actually in Colorado Springs, the first one, although I sobered up in York Street.

But I went down in the afternoon, and I I found where that meeting was. I didn't tell nobody I was going. It was none of nobody's business. But I went down, and I knew the address where it was. And so that night, the meeting started 8 o'clock.

I come down there about 10 minutes to 8. And as I drove in front of that meeting place, those cars, they parked at an angle there, and there was one slot right in front of that door. And I drove by there really slow, and I said, I'm a drive around that block one time. If that spot is there, then I'm gonna go on in there. So I drove around that block, and I come back.

And there were people, you know, coming and going to that meeting. Wouldn't you know that spot was right there? I slowed way down, and I said to myself, I'm a go around that block one more time. If that spot is there, I'm going to go in. So I drove real slow as my old car would go.

I drove around that darn block, and would you know that spot was in there? So I pulled in there, and, I didn't know much about AA. I knew that that's where you had to go. And so I I went in that room. And my first thing my first comment about AA was I says, oh my god.

They're all white people. I just looked. It's all white people. At that time, I learned later on how prejudiced I was. It had nothing to do with your earth suit.

It was me. And so I sit in that meeting, and, when they go around, they say my name is Don. I'm alcoholic. I wouldn't say nothing. It wasn't none of their business.

And so they go around, you know, and they waited, and then I didn't say anything They just went right on by just like it was, okay And I don't really remember a lot what was said about that meeting, but I did have some opinions I remembered one thing I did not like about AA was how they talked about themselves, about the dishonest and being selfish and judgmental and I thought, man, what's the matter with these guys talking like that? They were like telling on themselves. I would never tell nobody nothing. And the other thing that really bothered me a lot about that first meeting was they laughed and they laughed and they laughed. And that there was nothing funny that I could see about life, but they were just laughing.

But the third thing that I remember that I didn't know until much later on was a feeling. And I didn't know what that feeling was. There was something that I never felt before that was in there. Even though I was judging it as being negative, there was a thing there. Later on, I was to find out that's what it feels like when you come home.

That's what that feels like. This is where I belong. But I didn't know that at first. And so, I came back in, that last time I was out, when I come back, I had no resistance to AA. I didn't have all this.

I won't get a sponsor, and I can do this. I have none of that. When I come back, alcohol wielded me willing. I was willing when I come back in. And by then, I'd gone enough to know that one of the things I needed to do was to be willing to get a sponsor.

I wasn't willing to do that before. And the guy that asked to be my sponsor was a white guy, would you know? And I asked him after that meeting if you would be my sponsor. And he said, well, let's just talk about that. So, by then I was up at York Street in Denver.

And, we sit down at the stable, have a cup of coffee, and, my sponsor's about, 65. I think he's big. A lot of scars. He's a real you don't wonder if he's an alcoholic. He's a alcoholic.

There's no doubt that he belongs in here. And, we started off this relationship. It took about 15 seconds, and I realized I'm not not gonna like this guy at all because he had a way of, looking at you, like, sarcastically or, like, putting down on you. That's how I felt, how he looked at me. And he'd size me up, you know, shake his head like that and old squinty eyes and, and, he said, he said, you know, he said, he said, I watch you Indians.

He said, I've been sober 18 years or whatever it was at that time. He said, I watch you. You come and you go. He said, you always sit way in the back. Sit there with your arms crossed.

He says, look at you. Don't say nothing. And he said, maybe a couple minutes before the meeting ends, zip out the door you go. He says, the best of you will stick around about maybe 2 months. He says, for the most part, he said, you guys just don't make it.

He said, you're just really weird. He says, there's just something wrong with you. And I remember do you remember, like, when you were a little kid or something, maybe I remember one time, like, you got a puppy, you know, and you used to tease that puppy like you'd just rub its face like that and just rub its face, you know, how you and you get him to growl. That's how I felt he was doing with me. He's like, you're not gonna make it, and you guys don't do this.

And I remember I just looked him right in the eye, but I didn't say anything out loud. But I s inside, I thought to myself, I said, you know, you white son of a bitch out through you, I'll make it. You just watch. I'm gonna do it. See?

But later on, I I found out about the only thing he had to work with was my anger and my hate. I didn't have a lot of other tools for him to use, and he spotted that right away if you could kinda keep me mad. And he didn't care that I was mad at him, that maybe I would do it. And then he told me, he said, this is how we work together. He says, we work together because we both want to.

He says, suppose one day I see your hair is parted and I don't like it, I don't wanna work with you. He says, we work together because we want to. He says, suppose there's something about me you don't like? You don't need to tell me, just don't show up. He says: We work together because we both want to.

Then he grabbed that big book of AA, I'll call it's anonymous, and he opened it up and he showed me how thick a 164 pages were. And he said, if you do what it says exactly in those 164 pages, he says, you will never have to drink again. And, that really struck me to hear that there was something that I could do to never drink again because I knew the other things that I tried. None of that worked. And I I wasn't even sure if he was telling me the truth, but it was that hope that if there's something I could do because the alcoholic took everything, and I was doing crazy, crazy stuff, you know, by then.

And so then, he told me, he said, I'll tell you some things, not, he said, as a sponsor. He said, first of all, he said, ain't your taxicab? He said, ain't your banker? Don't borrow money from me. Don't be asking me for a ride.

He said, you made it to the bars. You can make it to meetings. And he told me all these things is what he was not, buddy. He said, one of the things he said, I'll I will guarantee you, so I'll be your friend. And then, he thought about that, and he said, as of right now, I'm your friend.

He said, I don't care whether you like me or not. He said, I had just decided I am gonna be your friend. And ain't nothing you can do to change it in any other way. Then he went on, and he said, There's some things that I can, I'll give you. He said, One thing I can give you is hope.

He said, Because I know something you don't. He said, I know how to stay sober. And he said, you, you little brown son of a bitch, he said, you know nothing about staying sober. He said, I know something you don't know. You know, just like, You know, just rub it in my face like that.

So then he opened up that big book, and he, he showed me these 12 steps. And he said before we he called it the step before the step. And he said, I want you to look at each one of these 12 proposals, and you're to ask yourself 2 questions. 1, he says, You read step 1. Then you ask yourself, Do you wanna do it?

Then he said, the second question you ask is, are you willing to go to any length to work that step? And you to answer those 2 questions with all 12 of those. And I remember when he was telling me that I was over at his house and he was making us a sandwich, you know, and, we were just eating. He was just talking like that, and, he knew that I liked, peanut butter because, you know, and he he was making me a peanut butter sandwich, and he was telling me about about the AA. He said, it's like a banquet.

He said, on one end there's like steak and lobster on that, you know. Could have that kind of sobriety, and then further down there's like meatloaf, and then just cheeseburgers. He he was coming all the way down, and I had this took this big bite out of this peanut butter sandwich, and he said, he said, There's even like peanut butter sobriety. He said. But he said, and I've got my mouth full, I can't say anything, you know.

And he said, but a problem with peanut butter, he said, it sticks to the roof of your mouth. You know, he goes. And then later on, sometimes I see him sitting in a meeting, and you know, when you're in a meeting with your sponsor, like, they're trying to get your attention, you know, they're trying to connect to you, you can feel that, so you'll you'll look the other way, you know, trying to avoid that. And then finally, I looked at him, and I look at him, he looked across me, had this big, old, funny smile on his face, and he go just like, you know, just. And then he took a meeting schedule from Denver, and he circled 6 meetings I was to attend.

Traditions meeting, big book meeting, meeting. Just one very specific discussion group where there was really long term, mister Brian, either. And he said, I want you to go to these meetings. He said, one night, you can choose yourself. Sunday night was my freedom night.

I could go to whatever meeting I wanted to, but I was to go to exactly these meetings. And he said, you go there and you just say, my name is Don. I'm an alcoholic. And he said, don't say nothing else because nobody's got anything. Anything you say is of no value to anybody.

He said, just shut up. Just say your names. Don, you're alcoholic. Don't talk. And so, see I was willing to do that.

So I I went to meetings. That's all I did for probably, 5, 6 months until I took the 3rd step then I could talk. But I went to this meeting 1 night and I sit down there and who would walk in but this this indian woman walked in. Oh, and she just looked so good to me. And, some of you don't know this, but there's a term we have in our native communities called snagging.

It's like you know that one? While she was giving me that snagging look, I knew that she was. So she sat down right across the table, you know, that long dark hair, and she's, I know she's interested. I could tell. I was pretty sure.

So I was a little bit nervous there, and I thought, you know, I'm not gonna make any impression on this Indian woman if I don't at least quote the book or something. I gotta say something. You know? And here I was, under that guideline for my sponsor. So anyway, come my turn to speak, and I went for it.

I quote in that big book, man made her smile. She probably thought I was like a old timer or something. Then we did. It worked. We went and went for a cup of coffee afterwards, you know, just coffee, and then, I went back to my apartment, and I was strutting.

I was just feeling so good. I was in my apartment. 15 seconds. Phone rings. Guess who it was.

It's big Frank. What are you doing moving your lips tonight? And the sponsors are like that wireless Internet or something, you know, they are everywhere. They always find out, you know, that is they always find out. But with his help, he got me into the big book of AA.

I used to hear in meetings all the time about the instructions in the big book. They say all the instructions are in there. I never could see those instructions in that big book. Actually, that big book was the most boring book I ever read in my whole life. You know?

I couldn't see anything that was in there. But he told me, he said, if you are a real alcoholic, he said, you will understand that book. He said, if you're not an alcoholic it'll just be like a book. But if it was written for someone with mind was like mine. And so then he showed me the first 43 pages had to do with, first half of step 1.

And I was instructed to read that 25 times. I had to read that because he said your mind can't remember very much. So you gotta read it again and again. And he called it a text book, and I was to study it. Then when we got to the second half of step 1, he showed me on page 52 something he called the unmanageability paragraph.

And it's a part where it says we're having problems with personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional nature, full of fear. And he had me take those 9 areas, take that sentence, and turn it into a question. And so I had to take a look at my unmanageability in personal relationships. And I wasn't to look at what were they doing, I had to look at, say, at that time, I was, say, married.

Then I had to look at he said it's like a helicopter. You fly over this island, your personal relationship island, and you look down and you gotta look at how are you acting. When something happens, what are you? Are you clamming up? Are you running?

Are you attacking, building resentments, getting even, building IOU accounts, then getting even later. So he showed me how to look all at 9 of those areas. Each one of those I had to look at and that was the instructions that I had for the second half of step 1. And it was the first time I was able to look at my life and how I was doing it. I didn't I guess I had blamed everybody else so much, I didn't take a look at my part of it, of how I was in that relationship, and I could see why everything was screwed up.

It was a way I I automatically reacted and reacted. Didn't even I didn't know no other way that I could see. So then he had me read that chapter 2. We agnostics where step 2. And then it was there, came to believe, and he explained to me what that means.

He said, you don't have to believe it. You just gotta be willing to believe, even if you're kinda willing to sort of believe. Or maybe you're possibly willing momentarily, sometimes willing to kinda believe. That any of those was enough to get that step going. And then he had me take those 9 areas that I had in step 1, and he had me build 9 mini visions.

I had to take a look at my personal relationships. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could. How do you think the creator would have you be in relationships? Not how would he do it, not when would the creator do it, but what would that look like? And I was to build 9 mini visions in that area.

And, when I did that, got that done, and he told me what that means. He said that's the steps are not separate. They're all interconnected with each other. That's why you have to do them in order. And he said, what you write out there in step 2 will be your spiritual awakening by the time you get to step 12, because it says having had a spiritual awakening is a result of these steps.

And he taught me when I did that work in step 2 that the majority of that work would be beyond my belief system. It's not what I would believe, but, like, impossible or extraordinary like that. And so I took that step. And Danny showed me the instructions in the big book on step 3, being convinced we were at step 3. And in that area of the book, he believed that every sentence was an instruction.

You didn't just read it. So when it said that your life run on self propulsion, it wasn't just to read it, but I had to give him examples as we sat and talked about that, what that meant. I had to draw from my experience to say, this is me. And as I went through that, I began to see I was the actor and I was trying to run the show even when I was being nice, And I had to go through the questions, I had to answer the questions, and I went all the way through that. But I did struggle some with step 3 because of this concept of a higher power of God.

Because I was raised on a reservation and, I went to the boarding school and, on the reservation, there were different churches come and gone. You know, that's kinda they must get some bucks and so they do a mission thing and they run out of money, then they go and then the next one comes in and and, a lot of times why we went there really was for the food and for the clothes. But the way they did it, you always had to hear the sermon first, and then you got to eat afterwards, you know, that was the deal. So it depended upon who was there, you know, like certain was the ones who come there and we all had to be going like this. And then, they would go, and the next ones would come in, and we had to go like this, you know, and, it was always, it was that way.

And, you know, we're just little kids, you know. And, you know, when you're a little kid, it's it's, you you know, it's not like when you're an adult, like a little kid, you look at it differently, like I went to, to mission school, you know, if you take a little, say a little Indian boy, and you look at a nun, That nun is huge. They're big. I mean, they're like, woah, they're just really, really big. And, we was always scared of them, you know.

And, what used to get me mixed up, you know, it was like, each one of them, they they always talked about this hell, and, so the first ones that was there, they would say the other ones are going to hell, but you gotta belong to this one, then you go to heaven. Of course, zip they will go away, and then the next ones will come in, and they say, oh no, those are the ones that are going to hell. This you re in the right one now. See, you youill get in heaven, and it kinda mixes you up a little bit. You know, as a little kid, as I remember it, and, like they would say, like, You ever been thirsty?

I said, Oh, yeah. There ain't no water in hell. You get blisters on your tongue. Anyway, a little kid, you go, wow. Wow.

There's no water there, you know. Has he ever been burnt? Been burnt Your whole body is gonna blister all over it. And there are no water. So you say, you wanna find God?

You you bet I do. But it was like you had the flames of hell licking your ass, you know, I better seek God, not because of God, but because I didn't wanna go to hell. It wasn't till I come to you that I found out the incredible beauty of having the creator in your life You know, I, I I learned a whole new way So I had some problems with that third step, you know, I was trying to sort that out. You know how it is when you first come in and, well, heck, you can be here a long time and it still can be that way. Right?

But I was in a meeting one time and I heard this guy tell a story, and this really helped me a lot. I don't know why it was, but the stories sometimes that the members told help clear things up. But he was set in this meeting one time, 3rd step meeting, and he was saying, there was these frog 4 frogs sitting on a log. He said, on a in a pond. Then he said, one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water.

So he said, How many frogs was left? And I said, Well, 3. He said, No, 4. He said, That frog just decided to jump but didn't do it. He said, So that third step what he means when you make that decision to turn your life over, he said what the Creator does is makes you an orange frog.

So now there's 3 green frogs and there's 1 orange frog sitting on that log. And he said, you heard, like, you hear people in AA and, and they say, well, I turned my life over where I took it back, I turned it over where I took it back. See, that was mixing me up because I thought, wow, you know, how does that all work? But he said to me, he said, Let's just say that you become an orange frog and what happens, you do it on Tuesday, then let's say on Friday you have a blow up, you get really upset. He said, you're just a pissed off orange frog.

Then I said, What happens if the following Monday you go get drunk? How about that one? He said, when are you a drunk orange frog? He said, and where I was, I went, duh, I get it. You know?

That's what that thing means. Do I wanna become that orange frog? So I went to I went to my sponsor, and, I made an appointment with him. And I made the mistake of, he said, well, how is it going? I said, well, Frank, I said, I wanna become an orange frog.

Where in a big book does it talk about frogs, you know? So anyway, so, anyway, that night, me and that old man, we took that 3rd step. We got on our knees, and he held that big book, hung on hands. He read that 3rd step prayer, and I read that 3rd step prayer. And I don't I didn't have no no burning bush or something, but I just had this feeling.

It was that same feeling like my first AA meeting I went to. That's the second time I felt that when I took that step with that man. I had no idea what it was, but it was a feeling. So then I asked him, I said, what next? Well, he reached behind his chair, and he pulled out a tablet tablet and a ruler and a pencil.

And before I left there, he had showed me how to write inventory, and he showed me how to write a 5 column resentment inventory. I wrote a 4 column fear inventory and, 11 column sex inventory. And, why 11 columns? You know how it says you were dishonest or unjustifiable? Each one of those had to be in the columns so I could see the pattern is to not mix them up, so I could look at dishonesty all the way through, selfishness all the way through.

It was just a way of of seeing better. And so he did explain to me in that book where he talks about that everything has to be shared. Every secret that you have, it has to be told when you come to the 5th step. So I remember I went home, and I I was writing inventory. And, this one Friday night, I was coming home from work, and my inventory was done, and I knew it was good.

I knew there was everything that I could think of was in there one place or another. I knew that. The sick stuff. Legal stuff. If I got caught, all that was in there.

Money that I stole. The 6 sexual things that I did. All that, it was in there. And so I was coming home that night from work and, Freddy. And you know how you get that feeling?

I knew I was gonna either 5th step or drink. Many times, I was motivated by alcohol, even the steps. I got that you know, how your wrist go like that, and you get that nervousness? And I could see my thinking just going like that, and I was scared. So I called him up, and, I found out they just take him to the hospital.

I called this other guy that I knew, and he went home. So I called this 3rd guy. I kinda knew him, and, I didn't know how to ask him. You know? You don't know how to do that if to to somebody doesn't know you you know, that's not in that circle of that you're doing the work with.

But he picked up on it. He said, do you have to do a 5th step? And I said, yes, I really do. I said, it's really important. He says, come on over.

I'll put the coffee on. So we went on over there. Well, what I didn't tell him was, I'd done everything like Frank said except the dark crannies. I put them on different pieces of paper, the sick stuff. And so I got there, and I I read everything that was there.

And then, this man said, he says, well, is that it? And I said, well, that's it. I said, that wasn't too bad. So he said, well, let me make some more coffee. So as he was making coffee, he started to tell me about some of the sick stuff that he had on his.

Really, I mean, this man was really sick. So then that kinda gave me this courage. I said, you know, I do have a few more pages of something I I wanna share with you. But I thought in my mind, you know, I thought I was afraid that he would tell. And some of that stuff I could get in trouble for.

That's how I felt. But I remember thinking to myself, I said, okay, I'll tell him, but if he tells on me, I'll tell on him too because he told me some stuff. But little did I know till later on that he had the freedom he had the freedom to tell that except I didn't know that and so I told him everything that was in there. And so then he showed me that big book that he says when you come home, there's some review that you need to do with the first five proposals. And so I went ahead and I did that.

And then, for step 6 and 7, they showed me those columns where I was to get my character defects, and I was asked the creator to remove those defects. Now, remember when I started step 6 and 7? It seemed like every time I tried to do it, it got worse. It didn't get better. And so I thought I was doing it wrong.

And, that's how it seemed to me. And then, one time, I was at a meeting on step 6, and I heard this guy tell a story that really helped me to understand this, but he told his story. He says, supposing that you're going to, build a cake. He said, you get the pan, you put the flour and sugar and vanilla and whatever in that pan, and he says, you turn on the stove, let it warm up to 3.50 or whatever. Then he says, when you get ready to put that cake in there, you take a spatula, you smooth that cake out, and then he said, you gotta open up the door, and then when you put that cake in the oven, you close the door, and you leave that door closed, because now the stove will build, will cook the cake.