Friday night at the Primary Purpose Weekend in Camp Hill, PA

Hey, Buck Crews. My name is Myers Raymer, and I'm an alcoholic. Yes, ma'am. Yes, I am. I cannot begin to tell you how cool it is to see how many of you guys I know and recognize.

It's like being in it's like being at a Christmas dinner. You're sitting around a table with a whole bunch of guys that you've met and know, and they're all of like mind, and it's, it's always exciting. No many no matter how many times I do this, it's always Well, let me tell you this. Most of the places that I talk, we don't get this response. There's lots of lockjaws and lots of animosity and lots of little daggers going, I'll kill you if I could get you, you know, this kind of thing.

So this is the first time I've talked this is the first time I've spoke, where I felt comfortable in months, and, and it's it's great. So far, nobody's thrown anything, and this is this is good. My name is Myers Raymer, and I am an alcoholic. And I took my last nasty drink on January 15, 88, and my home group is the primary purpose group, in Dallas, Texas. And, a bigger collection of big book dumpers you've never met in your whole life, and if you ever get a chance to come to Dallas, please come visit us, and it's an experience.

We got 3 meetings a week, and they're all big book studies, and that's it. And every other night of the week, we're out carrying the message of recovery someplace else. And, book says that's the way it's supposed to be, and so we'll just continue to do it that way. Peter where did Peter go? Is he go is he okay.

I I just Peter, you're so Peter's so smooth. It it just always just kinda I'm just a goof next to Peter, and it just always is an amazing thing to stand here after, and I've done this several times where I've followed Peter, And it's like you go it's like it's like driving on a sandy beach, and then all of a sudden you get off into the rough. All getting all the crap beat out of you. That's me out there. We were in Iceland.

I gotta tell you this real quick. Promise, I'm not gonna throw you under the bus, but I gotta tell this story. We're Peter's got 2 suitcases like this under 1 under each arm and another one like this. And I'm going, Peter, what's in the big suitcase? And he says, my clothes.

I said, what's in that one? And Chris goes, his hair care product. Here. He is indeed our collective hair care sponsor. Yeah.

It's an amazing thing to see. The Iceland boys wanna take pictures of us after we get done with this weekend, and so we're standing out there in Reykjavik, Iceland freezing our our scrawny rears off. It's snowing, and it's it's it's nasty. It's March in Iceland, guys, and and we're waiting for Peter. And we're waiting for Peter, and we're finally, somebody says, where is he?

And he's upstairs combing his hair. We're out there in the street, 20 or 30 of us, waiting to take this big collective picture, and Peter finally comes down, perfect as usual. There it is. My goal in life to be Peter Marinelli. Unbelievable.

It's also my wife's goal. God love her. I love you guys. I love AA, and I I love guys in in this recovery deal so much, I can't begin to tell you what a strange, strange journey it's been. It's a funny thing, most of the most of the guys, when they when they do this, they go through the wreckage of their alcoholism, and then they sober up, and they come to AA, and then everything is groovy.

Well, my idea was I I got tore up in alcoholism, came to AA, got in the fellowship a little bit, things did get groovy for a little while, and things got real sick, and then things started sliding right down the toilet, and I am just sort of a willing participant of my own demise sitting in these rooms, and at 7 years sober, never having thought about suicide before, all I can think about is suicide, where I'm gonna write the next hot check, and that girl with the great leg sitting right there, you catch catch my drift? There is nothing spiritual about me at 7 years sober. I'm just absolutely a fruitcake. The only difference between me at 7 years sober, I just haven't drank. I just haven't done any of the other other other outside issues.

You see? It's just a You know, it's an amazing thing. Chris saved my life twice in AA. He sobered up 2 months before I did, he was he was working for us at the boundary at the time, and and some of you guys have heard this story before, but but Chris sobered up, and my best drinking buddy goes south, and and and I watch his life change. This this thing about this thing being a program of attraction rather than promotion, Chris never tried to promote AA to me.

He just lived his life as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He lived his life and I watched him day by day, show up, do a good job, go to a meeting, come back to work, do a good job up at on into the night, come home, sleep, get up, do it again the next day. And I'm watching this stuff happen. I'll never forget, any of you guys, when you're drunk, think that you can fix things? There is this illusion with every man, and I've never met an exception yet.

The more we drink, the more handy we think we are. You know? And so, Chris has now been sober about about 2 months, and and and I'm in the front of the house, and Chris is over at the house, and he's sitting there watching me try to fix this old tractor. And and I it's in the grass and I'm dropping screws and I've been drinking beer since sunup and my stomach is like right here. I mean I'm £40 heavier than I am right now.

You know the drill. My head my face is feet red, and I'm bending over and I'm going, oh, like this, and I'm thinking I don't know whether I'm gonna throw up or whether I'm gonna just get you know how that y'all know I ever drank beer, but I mean, it was just one of those kind of things, and I'm just so unhappy. I'm just inside the house is a woman I cannot stand to be with, and she feels likewise. I've got a daughter that's so afraid of me, she won't come around me anywhere. The my work is simply falling apart.

I mean, it's just everything is just so tenuous. We're just barely holding it all together. And I'm out there trying to fix this thing and I'm losing screws and I'm getting madder by the second, and Chris is just sitting on this little stump over there watching me do this thing. And I'll never forget it because he's standing there, he's just watching me. And as I just unwind in front of him, and I just collapsed.

I'm just I'm just all weepy, and I can't seem to it's like I'm just kinda breaking down in front of him. And I I'm trying to I'm so mad at this stupid tractor because it won't start, and I'm trying to turn it over. I mean, I'm I'm just trying to shake it and turn it over. I mean, like an idiot. And, and I'm expecting Chris to say something he doesn't, but he looks at me and he says, you know, you really don't have to do this anymore if you don't want to.

And he got up and he walked in the house. And I'm sitting out there thinking, you know, and I A night or 2 later, I told Wanda I was going to AA, and Chris called me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and this stuff is super, man. And I'm telling you, I did what I I need to tell you this stuff because some of you guys have followed maybe forever, you felt a part of something and connected. And everything was wonderful. The fellowship was wonderful.

The fellowship was wonderful. The fellowship was something and connected. And everything was wonderful. The fellowship was great, the people were great, the coffee was well, what can I say? You but you know what I mean.

The problem is is that I did what so many of of my friends have now done, is that we got hooked up in the the the fellowship end of the deal and we ignored completely the program end of the deal. And so, we experienced the relief end of the program, but we never experience the freedom end of the program. And so it get things get kinda crazy. And so the the there is this illusion that I'm gonna I'm gonna buy into the whole deal. I'll go to as many meetings as I can, and I'll get better and better and better.

Well, I went to as many meetings as I could, and gradually and very slowly, I got sicker and sicker and sicker. Now Chris has gone on to bigger and better things. He's moved to the Hill Country. He's gotten involved with a bunch of big book dumpers down there, and he's getting healthy. I, on the other hand let me tell you something.

You guys know exactly what I'm talking about. We have an allegiance to our home groups where we sobered up that is an amazing thing. And I don't care if Satan walked in, we're gonna sit there and take it. I don't care if they shot a man in that meeting, we're gonna sit there and take it. It's our home group, we love the group, you know the drill.

For 7 years, I sat in this group, and I sat there and watched them take God out of the meetings in a group conscience one night, of which I voted also. Some wise man said, well, you know, I think we're talking about God too much. We need to probably not mention God. And I voted for that, you see? Because you understand that in AA, collectively in our fellowship today, we've got a vast number of people, not you saints.

I'm talking about a vast number of people out there who are being spoon fed their opinion of AA, and we are not encouraged to read the big book. We're not encouraged to bring our big books. We're not encouraged to do anything. We're not encouraged to be proactive in our own recovery. We sit there like little meat cheap, and we are spoon fed somebody's version of what AA is.

Now, please, before you throw something, remember, this was my experience and it may not be your experience, but understand, none of those people in my home group meant me any malice. None of those people meant anything anywhere close to harming me. I mean, these guys simply were doing what they had been taught by their sponsors and the sponsors before them. You see? And everything in me screams that I must be doing it the way I'm doing everything they're telling me.

Why is it I'm getting sick? Why can't I get, why can't I be happy like the other people that I see? And so finally, this thing unravels to the point that one night I almost drank. And I called Chris and I told him what had happened, and he said, man, I've been telling you for 2 years to get clear of that group and go find you a place to study. Please go do this.

And he said, don't do anything, just hang loose and I'll I'll be in town in a couple of days and we're gonna try to find you someplace. And true to his word, a couple of days later, he's in Dallas. He goes to a meeting. He calls me the next morning and he says, I found a crusty old guy you need to meet I think he's got a solution for you. Chris, I'm real busy, and I and I I just got so much stuff going on right now, and Chris goes, I'm not sure that I understand what you're saying.

2 nights ago, you called me saying you wanted to kill yourself, you were so unhappy, and today you're too busy to go see this guy. Okay. Give me the number. I'll go see him. So I pull over this guy's house.

The only reason I'm telling you this guy is because some of you have been through the exact same experience. God brought teachers into Peter's life that changed his life, And I was getting ready to reckon with mine. A crusty old dude that scared the spit out of me, that opened the door, Cliff Bishop, and I'll bust his anonymity every chance I can. Not to piss him off, but because I love him to death. And I'm telling you that Cliff is standing in the doorway, and he looks at me and he looks down at the book, at at where I would be carrying my book, but I wasn't.

And he said, where's your big book? And I said, I don't know. And he said, well, I'll tell you what. Here, you take mine today and don't ever come back over here without it again. And that was our beginning.

And I'm telling you, I'm I remember to this like it was yesterday looking at my truck and look it out there on the curb and I'm going, you know what? I can make a fast thing out there and I can be gone in 2 seconds. I don't need this crap. And I carried my arrogance into his living room, and we sat there and he spent the next 45 minutes teaching me things about the big book that I had never heard. And I gotta tell you guys, I thought Clifford was making it all up.

I thought he was just sort of elaborating on a bunch of this kind of stuff. The trick was that he had his book, and before he talked, he said turn to page, and we did. And then we would read, and I began to connect some dots. And guys, over the next 6 months, all the dots that I wanted connected got connected. And it was the weirdest deal.

Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be 7 years sober and not understand why you're a drunk? To not understand why you're an alcoholic, to not understand anything about the mental obsession. I'm going, the mental what? You think that's funny? He When he talks about the spirituality, I'm going, What?

Now listen, guys. I'm I'm talking about We got 21 meetings a a week in the group that I sobered up in, all discussion meetings. God bless them. And nobody ever talked about a spiritual malady. Nobody ever talked about a spiritual solution to my problem.

Not nobody ever talked about these mental things that were there. The most baffling feature of of of alcoholism is this unmanageability, this inability to leave alone the booze that's killing us. You see? That insanity that's part of the disease. And yet here I am at 7 years sober and I have not a clue.

Well, you wonder why I'm such an ineffective sponsor at 7 years sober. If I can't even explain what alcoholism is, how can I be an effective sponsor? You see? God forbid that I would do anything like 12 step work or any of this kind of crap. I'm too busy thinking of something cute to say in a meeting to get somebody to laugh or or you understand the drill.

You understand the drill. Some people hear me talk and they say, Myers, it sounds like you just don't like AA. And I'm going, guys, you got it all wrong. I'm telling you right now, I love Alcoholics Anonymous more than anything on God's green earth. I love this fellowship.

But I wanna weep when I see where we've taken that fellowship. I wanna weep when I see it. One of the things that Cliff Bishop taught me was this deal of asking questions about where you are in any given day around the the the around recovery. Where what are you doing? See, we seem to be afraid to ask those questions.

We get comfortable in our groups and we sit there and everything is all great. We got our friends over here. We got our buckaroos. We got our little bit blah. But nobody wants to ask the hard questions because the questions make you feel uncomfortable.

Let me tell you, they made me feel uncomfortable. When they would ask me those questions in a meeting, I'd get really uncomfortable because I wanna share my my my knowledge. I have 7 years of spoon fed AA that's guaranteed to kill somebody, and yet I wanna stand there. I wanna stand there and share that stuff with somebody. My arrogance needs it so desperately.

You see? We were in a meeting one night after I'd been there, probably 2 months. These guys don't love me yet. They really just tolerate me. I mean, because I keep wanting to drift off we're in a disc in a in a study, a step study thing every night that we're doing this meeting, and I still want to slide off into the discussion stuff and tell them, well, for me, I always start it like that.

Well and they're going, well, stop stop. We don't care for you. We don't I don't wanna hear that. We're trying to see what Bill had to say about this, not what Myers had to say about this. I said, oh.

Well anyway, one night I decided to exert my arrogance one more time and I said, well, and I slid forward in my chair. And as I pontificate about this wisdom, and I can watch 15 or 20 people just deflate in the back of the room, they all just like going, oh, like this. And Cliff Bishop gets up, and he walks across the room. And as he walks across, my head's saying, you know what? He's gonna come over here and tell me how much he liked what I had to say.

Arrogance runs deep. Clipper drops a piece of paper down in front of me, and he keeps walking. And I went, oh, he wrote it down. And I look at it like this and it says, why don't you shut up until you know what's in the big book? Well, fuck that.

I had that note right up into the time my big book got stole 2 or 3 weeks ago out of my car. I had it taped in the back of my big book. And, and, it it was one of my most valued possessions because my ego took an absolute beating. I was deflated to the point that I could actually be of use to somebody. And I got up and I said screw you guys, and I headed for the door.

And Philip File, another guy, I'll bust his anonymity right off the bat. Philip File caught me at the door and he said, brother, don't leave. Everybody here got those notes at one time or the other. Yeah. And I love Cliff Bishop for that.

I love Philip for doing it and and and for that group that saved my life, and they began to change me daily because they held me accountable. When they said go, I went. And if I said I would be there, they made sure I was there. It was all about accountability. All of a sudden, I had guys around me that loved me enough to hold me accountable, and it's not always easy to do.

You guys understand this deal about accountability. We all love the concept of it until we're the one being held accountable. And then all of a sudden, we get real real grindy about that stuff. You see? So I had to rethink and relearn my whole deal about this thing.

And as I relearned that book, it was so funny. I'd call Chris. I'd go to a meeting on Tuesday, and I'd call Chris and Kurville on on a on a on a Wednesday morning going, Chris, Chris, Chris, guess what Bill Wilson said on page 11 blah blah, and we're just going down and and it would have been so easy for Chris to say, well, you dumb shit. I've known that for years. You see?

But he didn't do that. He just said, yeah. That's right. That's right. That's pretty cool.

You know? And then I go to a meeting on Thursday Friday morning. I go, Chris, you won't believe it. Do you know how long it took Bill Wilson to work the steps? And we just you understand what I'm saying?

And it was this whole restructuring of everything that I had come to know about AA and about recovery, and it's all so brand new. I called Chris one day, and I said, Chris, it's the weirdest thing. I'm 7 years sober, and I'm starting to have this pink cloud thing going on, on, and it's pretty embarrassing. I just don't wanna make I wanna make sure nobody really sees this stuff. And he said, are you nuts?

He said, don't you ever forget the pink cloud is a gift from God and we ought to be like that every day. And if you're not, you're doing something wrong. I went, oh, like that, is it? So I'd walk in my meeting, I go, yeah, I'm having that old pink cloud like this. I just Oh, Lord.

That's an amazing deal. Peter's talking about his house. I gotta tell you this real quick. Chris and I live together in Houston. We were laughing about it earlier today.

We were Chris I was married once before before I married my sainted wife now, and and, and it was kind of a pretend marriage deal. And and, and she kicked me out, and I went to live with Chris in his garage apartment. And, any of you guys ever see Joe's Apartment, that movie, with all the roaches? Don't go rent it. It ain't worth seeing, but I but but I was sitting on the it's a little garage apartment with the living room stuff right off this kitchen, and I'm sitting on the edge of this bed and I'm looking in there like this and everything is moving.

And I'm going, Chris, man, I gotta stop drinking, man. The whole cabinet's moving in there. And he went in there and turned on the light. There must have been a 1000000 roaches in there moving across this countertop, and it looked like the whole countertop was moving on the deal. The the counter was solid dishes all the way across.

You couldn't even tell there was a sink under there. It just went straight across with unbelievable. I have not a clue why I told you that stuff. I was just like I just had to tell you. They never talked to me about a spiritual experience.

I got 10 more minutes of this, guys, and I'll wrap it up and let Chris come up here and do this thing. The the the most of what I wanna talk about is tomorrow as we get into our conversation about sponsorship and about 12 step work. In my group, they call me the McDonald's of sponsorship. I I I love sponsoring men, and it has been the greatest experience of my entire life to watch these lives change. And we're gonna talk some about this.

Everybody seems to get real briny around the concept of sponsorship, and they they, you know, I talked to guys that are 20 years sober, and I said, how what are you doing with around sponsorship? And they go, well, I sponsored a guy once. Now I'm thinking it just makes me wanna weep. I just wanna back up and go, how sad for you that you had an opportunity to affect thousands of lives in 20 years, and you've sponsored 1 man? Why is that?

And We're gonna talk about that some tomorrow in this deal about 12 step work and about about being, on the firing line doing that. It this is this is huge stuff. It's like steroids in AA. If you want something that will take everything that you know and feel about AA and take it to a plane that is so far removed, get involved in 12 step work and sponsorship. Get on that firing line.

Yes. It feels goofy getting out there, but I guarantee you, nothing you will do will ever affect you as much as that kind of stuff will. You see? There was a there was a guy I was talking to the other night in a meeting, and he was talking about, about AA being about just not drinking. He said, Myers, he said, I don't know why you talk about all this other stuff.

Isn't AA just about not drinking? We've all heard this stuff, and most of you guys have met guys like that. Some of you guys may feel that way. I hope not. Sometime when you don't have anything else to do, better still, get a get a guy you're sponsoring.

Get one of your proteges to do it. Go through the book and isolate everything about drinking in the big book, and everything that's about living life. You see? The big book, the first 164 pages, is all about how do we live life without the only solution we've ever known. Once booze is taken out of the picture, and we're standing there like a little scared rabbit, what happens?

We all think about the line and the vision for you. Have you a sufficient substitute? Is there It's a common thread that runs through every drunk and every addict out there. When you sober up, what do you do? You ask the question, Is there a substitute for what this stuff used to do for me?

And you better hope and pray that there is, guys, because I guarantee you, if there's not, you'll drink again. You will. This illusion that you can hang on to a meeting or hang on to a sponsor or hang on to something to make it better is is horse crap. The work, the 12 steps was guaranteed to get us to a place where we could recover from this stuff, where the insanity that they keep talking about, that reoccurring theme that goes all the way through the book. Sometimes when you don't have anything to do look at how many times they talk about sanity and the return of sanity in the book.

Dozens of times it's mentioned in the book, and it's mentioned for a reason. Guys, we're flat batshit crazy around bro around booze, and it's an amazing thing to see. And our goal here is to work the steps, get plugged into God, God removes the obsession, God removes the stuff that's kicking our rear ends, and we walk free and clear. No triggers, no goofiness, no weird stuff, free and clear from this deadliest of diseases that man has ever known. You see?

It's an amazing thing how much we trivialize our alcoholism. How many of you guys have worked with guys, perhaps it was your own experience and your own deal, how many of you guys have walked clear of the of the wreckage of your disease only to have it supplanted a month or so later by this threadbare thought, well, it really was only a bad time in my life, but I'm okay now. We call it the Holy Trinity. Guys, I'm sponsoring brand new guys out there. They're all looking for the Trinity.

The girl, the job, and the car. If they get those 3, they're bulletproof. They're out there. It's fine. Isn't that the way it works?

Maybe that's been true in your own life. And we get out there Unless you're daily practicing this work, unless you're daily doing the things, having a drunk right here in your face, I guarantee you at some point in time, sometimes very quickly, we will begin to trivialize that that was gonna kill us. And we'll put distance from the things that that that keep us safe, and as we do that, we begin to get sicker. And as we get sicker, and it's so subtle, guys, I'm telling you. How many of you guys have seen guys that are flat ass on fire?

They're out there kicking butt, taking names, and then for whatever reason, she comes along, the job changes, whatever you fill in the blank. But for whatever reason, we began to trivialize and isolate from the things that kept us plugged in, and then with the illusion always there that we won't be the one to get sick. Well, let me tell you something, guys. Just between me and you, there's a hospital in Terrell, Texas that's full of men crapping in diapers tonight, and I bet you got one here. And you know what?

There was not one of those men that woke up one morning and say, hey, I think I'm gonna crap my diaper ego separate them from a clear cut message, a clear cut set of directions that that was gonna take them to a new place. You see? Don't do that. Don't do that. If you're if you've been if you're new in AA, God bless you.

I'm God God love you too. I'm glad you're here, and I hope that you'll use this weekend as an opportunity to ask and evaluate and inspect where your program is. And as you filter your life through this work, as you begin to look and you begin to ask those questions, how is my job doing today? How am I around my family? My wife?

How am I in my club? Do I have responsibilities? Have I made commitments that I don't follow through with? Have I made AA a priority in my life? You see what I'm saying?

And as you sit there and you listen this week and as we go through this stuff, we're going to talk about a bunch of this stuff, but ask yourself the questions. And it's no sin if you find out that you're falling short in certain areas. Good Lord, guys. We all do. There are no saints here.

We all fall short of this thing. It's the thing about it is is that you can quickly get so sick that you don't see your own sickness. You don't see the only stuff. We got the only disease known to man that tells us we don't we're not sick. You see?

And as our life unravels, we're baffled by what we see in front of us. And then we get in the same old sick relationship again, or we get in the same old dead end job making nothing. Are we you understand what I'm saying? None of this was meant to be the game plan, guys. The game plan was we were gonna work the work, have the experience, and then do what the work told us to do, which was to get on the firing line and go carry a message of recovery.

And if we're not doing that, check that list. That's one we're falling short on, and hopefully we'll get to shore up some of that part this weekend. You know, one more thing and then I'm done on Scout's honor. There is an entire life out there that is so cool and exciting. And yet, so many of us miss it because we have trivialized our recovery program and we've sold ourselves short.

So many of us have approached recovery and reproach AA, and then we get into a situation where things get a little grindy. We're gonna have to do some inventory. We're gonna have to make some hard amends. We're gonna have to make some commitments. We're gonna have to do some of these things, and we go, and we just hold it at a distance.

And our head, coming from our ego, says, well, I'm sober today. I I haven't hit my wife today. I haven't walked out on my job today. And you see what I'm saying? We just begin to justify our our our sort of milk warm, middle of the road existence, and think that that's what recovery is all about.

Guys, let me tell you from my personal experience and the experience of 100 of men that I've had the pleasure to work with, Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of of these 12 steps will carry you to a place that is so infinitely better than that, that you simply can't believe that you're there. And if you'll submit to the work, do what you're supposed to do, you will look at this thing at some distance. You'll look back on it and you'll go, I cannot believe what my life has become. I know a lot of these guys in here and I look at their lives the way they were, these busted up shells of men. And I see who they are today, vibrant, exciting, creative men and women out there ready to do this thing.

Could there be anything sweeter than that, guys? I know some of you will look at it a distance and say, Myers, I think your life is pathetic. Some might do that. But I'm telling you guys, to be the busted up, selfish, self centered drunk that I am, thinking only of me, to where I am today, with a bunch of friends and a bunch of buckaroos around me, a whole host of miracles that submitted and walked free and clear of this deadliest of diseases. Buddy, we are desperate to have you here with us in the trenches, to have you here carrying this message of recovery that is clearly stated in a 164 simple pages.

Please, please, come with us. It's exciting stuff. And once you've experienced it, you'll wonder why it is that you held this whole thing at some distance. I love all of you guys, and I'll see you tomorrow.