The regular "Light A Candle" meeting of Overeaters Anonymous in Brentwood, CA

I'm Judy, a compulsive overeater alcoholic. Hi, Judy. Let's see. First of all, I wanna thank Roy for, asking me to come here tonight. And, this is OA AA.

Right? OA. OA. Oh, it was a good thing I asked. What?

What is OA? Oh, people that are double winners. That would be moi. But I'll stick to o a because that's where I am. And I didn't know I was being taped either, which is really interesting because the last time I was taped, when he taped me, I listened to the tape afterwards, and, oh god, I thought, oh, I'm never ever I just can't even speak again.

I was so humiliated. I mean, I went into a serious depression. I never listened to the full tape. I didn't. I gave it away.

It was like it was like like touching the flame, you know, on a stove. It was like I just got rid of it. So hang on to your seats. Yeah. So, you know, I've been abstinent continuous abstinence, abstinence, meaning I haven't binged, I haven't purged, I haven't had laxative abuse, I haven't used water pills, I haven't had, surgeries.

I haven't, used over the counter things to make me lose weight, to, you know, have a cessation in appetite, giving me energy. What else haven't I done? Exercised, compulsively, thrown up, consumed great massive amounts of food in a short period of time for 17 years 4 months. Yeah. Isn't that something?

What a miracle. It's a miracle. It's absolutely a miracle, and, and that's day to day, back to back. And, if you know to me, this disease is so like, it's the part of me there's a part of me that's that's so reflective and quiet and intense and gets my feelings hurt very easily and sensitive and, creative. And that part of me was was directly related to my eating.

You know, the relationship I had with food was directly involved with that part of me. And because I haven't had binges or purges or starving. My lowest weight is £87. My highest weight is £140. And since I've not been like primarily obsessed with food for many years most of the time, I have that world that's so rich and full.

It's like it's very rich, world. And I and then there's a whole other part of me that's, like, wild and crazy and funny and lighthearted. And sometimes it's a little confusing because, you know, like, I I couple years ago, I published a clinical article, and people will read this article and they'll say, like, you did it doesn't match. But it's this part of me that's intellectual, studious, intense. I paint like crazy.

You know, this morning, I I went to an OA meeting to give a a woman I sponsored a cake, and I got up this morning and painted. You know? And last night, I came home from work, my job, which is separate than all of this, and, painted. And I painted this Last Supper last year, which is, I painted a contemporary Last Supper with no food. And it's it's a 48 by 48 oil painting, and it's so incredible.

You know, it's got women and animals because I just adore animals. Oh, I love animals. And and there's no food there because it's symbolic of community. And prior to the program, food and community were 1, and food took precedence. When I was gonna get together with you, I was thinking of what I was gonna eat after we were together because maybe while we were together, I'd wanna look like I didn't eat that much.

Or maybe I was too nervous to eat in front of you. So later on, I would while I was with you, I'd be preoccupied because I'd be thinking about later on when I was gonna eat, and it helped me deal with intimacy. You know, it it just took the edge off of how afraid I was to get close to people. And it was also a part of my family culture. Like, what we did when we loved you is we gave you food.

You got food. My family spoke what I've come to realize was the language of food. And I really had to unlearn that when I came in here. You know? I remember when I was in university, how I'd I'd go home I went to Penn State University, and my mom and dad lived in Butler, and I would travel home, and I would get in fights.

Like, my mother made these little, sugar cookies. Right? And they had these this green icing on them, and then these green jimmies and these green sparkles, and they were sugar cookies. Right? And my boyfriend was at Temple University, and he came.

We were both you you know, I was working on my degree, and we both came back to Pennsylvania for Christmas. And, he started to get into these cookies. Right? And I raged at him. I was so enraged.

I tore off the whole family, you know, how dare he eats those green Jimmy cookies. And I was like a lunatic. You know? I mean, I was so covetous of of my food, and and and it represented love to me. So it was almost like he was, you know, robbing my home or something.

And I think back on those days and how when I would leave after my roommate's car and we'd drive back to Penn State, and I was so out of it and and numb and sick. And I in a way, I loved that feeling as well. So it was really kinda confusing, but, my dad was obese and lost quite a bit of weight throughout his life. He was on diet, So I come from a a history of and he was also alcoholic. My mother my mother always told me she was fat, but I look back at her pictures now, she's dead, and she doesn't look fat at all.

So I don't get that one unless, you know, she was probably, like, just had body distortion part of the disease. My sister still struggles with this disease, goes back and forth. I go back to see her and she weighs, you know, she lost £50 and in 2 months she gained £60. My niece right now, which is really fascinating because my sister is so in this disease and my niece is 10, and my niece is like, you know, she said don't send her any clothes for the holidays, because I bought her these dresses, you know, and she said, don't send them to her. And she sent me a picture.

My niece is 10, and she she's big for a 10 year old kid, but she probably weighs a good 175, you know? And, you know, my sister, I when I'm with her, I see I see how what the family disease was like because she'll you know, like, my husband and I went back to visit about a couple years ago, and, she was asking me there's this again, the language of food, you know. She says, what does your husband like to eat for dinner? And I said, I don't know. Ask him.

And she got so mad at me, you know, like I broke a rule. You know, I didn't know what he liked. And she was, like just looked at me with this rage, you know, and oh my god. I've broken a rule. And, and then she asked him if he wanted something, and she made these scallops.

You know? And she sat there at the dinner table, like, leering at me. She says, he does like scallops. You know? And I thought, oh, boy.

And then and then what she doesn't know is my husband's, like, really kinda loose. He's a normie. You know? And she had fixed this dinner. You know?

And then she said, would you like more scallops? And and he said, yes. We don't do that if you cook dinner. You don't just you know? I mean, I sure would.

I would get to the table. And it was all finished, and she she gets up to make them more scallops. And she's, like, pissed. You know? She's, like, throwing a frying pan around.

And that was something else confusing in my family because sometimes people would get mad at you with food. Like my mother one day when my she my stepfather, the way they were fighting, she threw the turkey out in the front yard and, you know, there were, like, big fights around food, you know. You bastard, if you don't like this meal, then if you don't like my pie and you don't think my crust is normal, then I'll just show you and should take the pie, those big old pie ceramic things and throw it out in the front yard and smash it, and then, you know, and I was like, all this drama around food, you know. And and and she make these big elaborate meals within my family. I mean, these huge elaborate meals and everybody would be pissed, you know.

Did you like it? What do you think of my cooking? Well, there's one thing I do good, and that's cook. You know, it's like, you know, it will show like a gun. You know, it's like, there's one thing I do good, like, hold a gun to your head.

Intense, you know. And that's how I was raised, you know. It's like and and it gave me an enormous amount of comfort, you know, as a kid. Oh, I remember. I I remember like it was yesterday, you know, if life was hard because my parents were drinking and there was all this poverty and we kept moving, you know, and it was a big old mess.

And my father was like this master philanderer and, you know, and would move into, like, another house. And and I remember having my, like, you know, just was comfort my green those spearmint leaves that were gummy with the sugar on them under my pillow, and life was okay. Life was okay because I knew at night I would go to bed and under my pillow, I'd have these little green spearmint gummy things and I would think about them. You know? And when I'd go to school, no matter how chaotic I had all d's when I was a kid in grade school.

I graduated Penn State Magna Cum Lata. Right? So it didn't have to do with my intelligence. It had a lot to do with my home life and many, many addictions running throughout not only me, because as a kid, I mean, I was obsessed with food. And, but it had a lot to do with that, you know, and chaos.

I don't think if I think if my family were the perfect family, I would still be a compulsive overeater because my metabolism it's like in the big book it says, you know, that, it's a spiritual malady. I have, like, a physical allergy. When I eat certain things, I react unlike other people react. I mean, I see my husband, you know, what he does. He'll, like, just stop.

You know? With certain foods, it it's inconceivable to me that that that would occur to me. And in program, you know, I've I because I work the steps, you know, I realize there are certain things that I'm powerless over, and I realize that I have to turn my will and my life over the care of God as I understand God, which means there are certain things that, certain food groups that I I can't handle, but I lost my point. And what was my point? My my family My what?

I have that. That wasn't my point. But but, anyhow, my family, you know, was really kinda crazy and chaotic, and food gave me comfort as a little kid. I would go to food for comfort, and it did comfort me. You know, I'd think about it.

I I remember school yeah. I remember school being obsessed with food. You know, they used to make these little peanut butter cracker these peanut butter and oatmeal things, and and they when they'd have bake sale, I'd be, like, really good in school, so I could be called on 1st in order to get that cookie. And it was, like, one of the only times I wasn't disturbing the class because I get used to get so bored in school. It was when they were gonna have those cookies, you know, and I'd think about them day and night.

And I mean, you think about the kinda energy that took, you know? So you fast forward, I realize I'm gonna get out of my hometown, Butler, Pennsylvania, and make something of myself, and I go to school, and I have all these scholarships and grants, and I'm a cleaning lady. I got through school being a cleaning lady, undergraduate school, and I thought I'm gonna move to California, and everything's gonna be different. So I graduate. I come out here.

I get married to this guy. My daughter right now I'm 50. I'm 50 in 10 days. I'm having my 50th birthday. And, yeah, it's exciting.

I okay. In a mixed way. But I moved out to California, and, you know, it was all gonna be different. And what happened is I repeated everything. It was like this I ended up with the same life.

You know? And I had this I I came out. I was teaching. Right? And I was teaching, like, I was working with, you know, like, in the behavioral sciences, and I was working with, like, very sick kids and, you know, I had done some institutional work, worked in institutions back then in the seventies when before they deinstitutionalized here in the US.

And I came out here, and, I married this guy and had this house, and we bought this little house for $54,000 in Manhattan Beach tree section, by the way, which I got divorced and didn't get very much money out of it. I'll throw that in. Because I was in my disease and everything. You know? But I moved out here from Pennsylvania, and I weighed, like, a 140.

And back in Pennsylvania, that wasn't, like, so bad. But out here, it's like there were all these models and everybody was skinny and, you know, it and I and I thought and I so I started going on this whole diet thing. And, you know, they had different kind of diets back then, like these protein drinks that you drink. And I don't even know what the name of it was, but I know they took it off the market because it lacked potassium and people were dying of heart attacks. And but I remember all of a sudden feeling like such a sense of control, you know, that I started to be able to control my food.

And, I got really seriously into the vomiting. And I got into a whole other business then as well. But I was a good vomitor. You know? I never vomited like, I didn't have, like you know, I wasn't discolored with my cheeks hanging out this far like some vomitters, like, get you know, you can tell.

I was kinda like a just, you know, serve dinner and have my little family dinner, and I'd go into the bathroom and throw it up and come back out. And my husband was a musician. I'd say, Oh, when you come home, bring me a hot fudge sundae. And I'd be waiting until 2 in the morning for this big hot fudge sundae, you know? And that was like the marker of my day.

And, I'd eat that hot fudge sundae and then go throw it up and and life was just consumed with food and no food and skinny, and I got down to 87 and I thought I was just so beautiful and gorgeous and and that's when I got 12 Step. I got 12 Step in 1979. I got I got into the acting business for a while, which I had no business being in. I didn't. I I didn't I couldn't memorize.

I had a terrible time memorizing, you know? I did, like, I did 3's company and I had they counted to 5 and I just would stand there. You know, I couldn't move, and then I couldn't remember what to say, and I just wasn't that's not my brain doesn't work very well in that way. And, I'd be a nervous wreck, and the catering trucks would come, and I'd just eat everything on them. And you know?

And, but I got into that business, which was really freaky, and and, actually, it was my agent. You know? My agent at the time. And now I don't know where she is, but the last time I saw her, I, you know, I I don't I think she had hadn't been coming to the program for quite a while, but she took me into the room and, she said, you know and this, again, was in 1979, and she said, what are you doing at night? And I thought, oh my god.

I thought, oh, somebody knows. And, you know, she said, shut the door. And she said and I shut the door and she said, what are you doing at night? And, you know, I said, I'm throwing up. And she said, she said, you know, I'm I'm a member of Overeaters Anonymous.

She said, I want I want you I wanna take you there. You know? And she said, and you need to get out of this industry. She did. She did.

She said, you need to get out of this industry for a year and, get your food together and your life. And, she took me she took me to meetings, and, and I I also, at that time, I had an acting school and I had a theater that I had opened. And, I kinda I kept that, but I I didn't, like, try to act or anything for about a year, and I came to the program. And but, you know, I was so not understanding of step 1, 2, and 3. In retrospect, I so had, like, no idea about what powerlessness meant.

I was so willful. You know, I would come to the program, and it was like it was like it was like having my watch, like, when are we gonna be finished? You know, I couldn't wait to get out of meetings. When she wanted me to do a 4th step, I said, get a life. I said, why do you want to know all my business?

I just, like, didn't get it. You know, I was so willful and I lost I kept I kept the weight down. So I figured, I don't need OA. I thought it was Losers. I thought it was Lonely Hearts Club Band.

You know, I thought people weren't that like me in all these wonderful ways, and I was so wrong and self centered and blind by the disease. So I came in, kinda got my weight organized and settled, didn't didn't vomit. I stopped vomiting. That well, I was like, that's my absence. Okay.

I won't vomit. So I didn't vomit. And then 17 and a half years ago so I was, like, kinda, you know, white knuckling in all those years between 79 and 17a half years ago. In 17a half years ago, I I got into AA. I got sober.

And, 6 months later I still considered myself part of OA. 6 months later, though, I threw up. I threw up a piece of broccoli. I went back home to my family, and, of course, they were feeding me in this big family event, and I threw up a piece of broccoli. And my friend Leslie Kendall said to me, you know, you gotta take a new abstinent thing.

You're not abstinent. You need to get honest. And, and and I did. I came back to o a, and I said, you know, I haven't been coming to the program, and I threw up. And I and I and since that date, I've been back.

And since that date, you know, I mean, I got a sponsor, and I did surrender to this powerlessness of the disease. Because there I had been on all diff all the spectrums of the disease, you know, the anorexia and the throwing up. And, And I really did surrender and got very serious about the program. And I, you know, I met Nicole before the meeting, and I I have a list. Like, I got together with my sponsor because the other person that brought me in brought me in on gray sheet.

But I got together with my sponsor, and I made this list up, you know, of what were my trigger foods, like, what was going to make me off and running, like trail mix was, for example. If I ate it, I'd just go nuts. I'd start binging. So I had this whole list of what are my trigger foods, and then I had a list of, like all the stuff I could eat, guilt free eating. And then I had an agreement.

So this is still how I worked the program. When we were talking before the meeting, I had an agreement that I would call my sponsor and talk to her before I changed anything. And this is where, like, 4, 5, 6, 7, and not 8, 9, but 4, 5, 6, and 7, you know, all about my defects and my shortcomings. This is where I started to learn about it because I realized, like, if I'd wanna eat something, it was usually an alarm, one one alarm that, yeah, I'm a compulsive overeater, and I have this illness. And it's a it's a spiritual malady, so it makes me have to reach out to you.

You know, if I decide that tonight I have to eat 20 ding dongs, I need to call somebody or reach out to you or, maybe I'm lonely and maybe I don't know I'm angry and maybe I don't know I'm tired or hungry. And that is a spiritual experience. It's a spiritual experience of community. And also it makes me, it had to make me deal with intimacy in a whole new way. So but then I see my defects and my shortcomings because just because the food is cleaned up, you know, Like, I can't just decide that, oh, I haven't had I haven't so so I have that list, right, and I stay within that list.

And inevitably, if early on if I ever wanted to change that list, it was because something was going on with me. You know, Maybe when I was running one of my defects of character, maybe I was being greedy, maybe I was being slothful, maybe I was being jealous or envious or not right sized or not realizing what my limitations are or not accepting life on life's terms. That was always a big one for me. Part of my compulsive overeating I think was about make I just wanted life to be beautiful. I wanted life to be beautiful.

And if I ate, everything was beautiful. When I weighed £140, if I ate enough and I took my girdle off, I weighed 105. It was amazing. If I you know, if I if I got enough into the food like my I remember early on in my 4th step what came up is when I ate I fantasized. And I started to notice that, you know, it was like such news to me.

Oh my god, look at when I eat, I fantasize. So life on life's terms, I got to start learning how to live it, really, on life's terms, Soon after I came here, I could no longer be with my ex husband. It was such a not for me relationship And we got into separation therapy and it was really wonderful. I didn't want the drama anymore. He's coming to my 50th birthday party.

I love him so much as an ex husband and the father of my daughter, but we're so different. And I can see now I can see now how unrealistic I was, how I was trying to make people who they really weren't, you know, and life a way that it really wasn't. And, and then when I did like and then, of course, I also had my wreckage, like, with him. There were many things I did to that man today that I I see that weren't only related to the disease but were related to youth. And not being able to take stopgaps and blind myself through periods of time where I could be in the food, I've been able to take responsibility and that's such a good feeling.

And I expect the people in my life to be responsible for themselves as well. 89, I, I made the list I made the list that people make fun of, of the amends I needed to make, you know, like the kind of person on television looking up the old boyfriends, hey Jack, you know, it's Judy, I have an amends to make, you know. I had one person from Virginia, one of the wives answered, and she says, she says, oh, yeah. Is this like that television show I saw and that, like, Bill w where you call and you say you're sorry? But, you know, I made my financial amend, I made my amends because I did some things with institutions that weren't okay, I made my personal amends, some people were dead so I couldn't really make the amends.

I made living amends. In my amend step, my sponsor told me some things to not do. Like, there was something I wanted to tell somebody. There were 2 somebodies. I wanted to tell them something, and to this day, I haven't told them.

Because she told me, your amends is to keep your mouth shut. Some people, my amends was to stay out of their life, because I got that all confused, you know, like somebody I wanted to see maybe again, I wanted to go make an amends, she said, uh-uh, you stay out of that person's life. I had wonderful miracles happen to me all beyond my wildest dream. I I kinda shut down for I I no. I didn't really shut down.

I think I went into, like, like, a receptive mode early on. And I I learned to be a person I didn't I knew within me, but I didn't know if I could ever be that kind of person. And I see somebody in this room that reminds me of my old friend, Bibi Besh, that was she was in this program. And, we were like sisters in this program, and she has a daughter that's my daughter's age. And, you know, life on life terms, like for example, she's she was a few years older than me and she was the kind of person, see I got it real confused, the first three steps in early abstinence and sobriety.

I thought if I was really good all these good things would happen to me and the people I love. And that's not really what happens. You know? That's so magical thinking and not truly powerless, still running an agenda. And I think finally, like when Bibi got cancer and so much thought that she was going to beat this cancer and paid her taxes and was so honest and such a hard worker and you know, came to this program and, did her 10 step and did her 11th and very spiritual and sweet and a good woman, and this cancer just riddled her body.

And she did she passed away, 4 years ago. But what I was able to do is you know, we went to talk a sushi one day, and she was eating all this sushi, right, and so was I. And we went to the bathroom because she was getting sick from the chemo, and, you know, I was able to hold hold her while she threw up in the bathroom with Taka Sushi. And then when we went back to the sushi bar, she said to the guy, she said, you know, it's not your sushi that I'm having a problem with, I just have cancer. And so I'm doing chemotherapy and I got sick.

And I think what a way to live. And but that really liberated me in a way because I stopped thinking that if I do all these really good things and I'm a good girl all these good things are going to happen to me and everybody I love. 11 and 12 I get down on my knees, this is what my day looks like. I have a beautiful home that I love dearly, I take great care of it. I have this sweater on.

I'm I'm like a kid. I have this sweater on that my husband bought me, you know. And today, I'm out in the rose garden with my spike heels, and I get it caught in the rose bush and it I got a a snag on it. And and, you know, I'm gonna have some bumps and bruises in this lifetime because I like to live. You know.

And I get up in the morning and I say my prayers and my meditation and I do step 11, every morning I get 10 minutes at least, I turn my alarm clock on, I turn my tea water on, I say my prayers, get down on my knees. I go read my books, you know those little, one day at a time books every day. They're very old and they have every year I've been reading them so it has like all the years on it and it has all the little events that were happening through the years like Paris with your daughter, Tahiti with your husband. You know, I take them everywhere I go. And then I read them, and then sometimes I write, and then I go about my day.

You know, I have 3 meals a day no matter what. I have nothing in between, that's for me not for everybody. I don't have any white flour or sugar one day at a time no matter what. Today, I went to a meeting this morning. I talked at another meeting this week.

I, you know, I answer the phone if people call and need help. Throughout the day throughout the day, I turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I have these candles in my office, And oftentimes when I'm on my break, I'll just light the candles and I'll kind of like remember God or I'll get down on my knees. And sometimes I've gone into ladies' rooms and I put the little toilet paper thing down, you know, if I was becoming too willful and turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand god. And, I've done a few 4th steps.

I love the 10th step. The women I sponsor, I I'm so big on the 10th step because what I think is so incredible about this program is learning what's my part. My part in my compulsive overeating was primarily that I didn't take care of myself, and I allowed people to do things that were unacceptable to me. And I don't do that anymore. You know?

I just don't get mistreated very much because if someone does, I usually get rid of them because I can't afford it. You know? I'm not as tolerant as I was when I was compulsively overeating. I have a great relationship with my daughter today. She moved back to New York and her first day in, of work was in Manhattan on September 10th this year.

And I was like an animal for about 2 hours in the morning because I didn't know if she was hurt or what was going on. And, she's fine. I got worried yesterday she passed the New York law exam. So she's a New York lawyer. My kid.

I don't talk to her about her weight when she asks me, you know, about her weight. That's like her business and her higher powers business. I have a great husband. I have a sweet dog, and I'm present. You know?

And that's the biggest gift I think of being abstinent is I'm present. I'm present for my own moods. You know? And and it's time for question and answers. When it comes to things like ambition, academics, careers, success, how do you put those elements into the framework of the program?

His question is when it comes to academics, success, education, how do I fit that in the framework of easy does it? I am extremely driven. Extremely driven. And I love the part of the big book that talks about us being right sized. You know?

I have so much time. I went back from my master's degree because I had to finish it up to do what I really love to do, which I do, and it's like I had so much time. And I went to I go to 3 meetings a week, that's my average no matter what. And it's amazing, I look back at it and I think, my god, I was working full time. I was in this internship.

I was going to the program. And if I keep the the miracle to me is and the mystery, by the way, It's like and I also I also wanted to paint like Vermeer. It's just like a painter that's an old guy that like, 18th century painter. And I paint like him now, and I thought I could paint like him when I was 79. That was my goal.

But being abstinent, I have so much time. It's ridiculous. And I have so much energy. And I'm, like, 50, you know? I was I went to the Crunch gym last week on Sunday, and I took an African dance class.

And I made it through the whole thing. I mean, you know, it was amazing. And I'm gonna be 50. And it's because I'm not preoccupied with food. I have accomplishments beyond my wildest dreams.

And you know what else? They're not the most important thing to me either. They really aren't. My career, I love what I do, and it's a job. You know?

My job is to be like okay. So so it time opens up. And and the easy does it is sometimes I I just stop myself. I'm like a I'm I'm like a dog some like, my dog, you know, is very willful. I just stop myself.

I've learned in this program to stop, halt. It's enough already. Like, today I had 2 hour break and I was gonna scrub my rugs. And I said, do you guys do that, Judy? But that's through through having time in the program because there's that, like, you know, that willfulness.

And as a result, I mean, I have degrees in all sorts of things because I got time. So I don't have to, like, be all rigor. This is how I used to be, like rap like this, you know, I was like everything I did was like this, like my family, you know, it's like, oh, calm down a bit, okay? You can get the same thing done just a little slower. So I practice easy, does it a lot.

I sleep, I watch TV. I love TV. My husband gets so mad, you know. Don't you read? No.

I like TV. I've read enough. You know, I lay there and watch TV. I can't wait tonight for mad TV. It's like I that's what I can't wait for.

I stay awake. He goes to bed, you know, and I'm, like, up until 1 watching TV. It's fun fun. What else? How do I do a 10 step?

Well, yes, if anybody wants to see it, it's continued to take personal inventory and we were wrong promptly admitted. I take like I take a 10 step a lot. Continued because personal inventory is I have the same usually usually, what I do with the 10 step is I'll start to look at I'll do like a teeny little inventory like first of all and there's 4 columns in the 4th step and I'll talk about my own, what it affects, the cause. First of all, like what's going on? I'm mad at somebody and the cause because somebody, slandered me or said something to me and affects my what?

I'll just do it's like I'm I do a mini 4th, you know, and it affects my what? Well, it affects my reputation or my status or security. And and what's my part? Well, first of all, that I have such an investment and such a ridiculous situation. And and then I think, and did I slight this person somehow?

What was my part? And I spend a lot of time thinking, oh, yeah. Well, maybe maybe how you did that maybe what you did was okay, but how you did it could be different. And maybe you need to go back and make an apology. You know, maybe you need to tell that person you're sorry.

Or like my husband, I've gotta make amends to him, my daughter sometimes, just for day to day things, you know, and living amends. So that's how I do it, and I usually write it. And if I'm stumped on it, I call my sponsor and talk to her about it, you know. And sometimes it's dipped in my head, like I'll get an attitude and then I'll think well what's my part here and do I owe this person an amends, you know, and that's how I do it. And then I make the amends.

So yes? How do I, put principles before personalities if somebody pisses me off? Somebody in meetings. Oh, I love that one. Because you know what I find?

The longer I'm here, the more I'm prone to judgment, and the more I have to make a u-turn and learn about compassion. Does that mean I tolerate the intolerable or unacceptable? No. My daughter says, my mother will tell you how she feels. You'll never have to guess.

You know? Ask me what I think, and I will absolutely tell you. Everybody in my life knows that. But in the meetings, if I get, like, I think, yeah. You know what, Judy?

This means you need to have more compassion. This means you need to see what that person is up to and how that's you or was you. But most importantly, if you keep judging it, how it's gonna be you? Because I have inevitably what I judge I usually do. Yes?

In early recovery, how did I deal with the family and all the food around? I gave them a language. I taught them a language. I would say to them, you know, I think and they'd look at me like I'm crazy sometimes, but I'd say, I think when you give this to me, what you're trying to do is tell me you love me. And what I would prefer you do is tell me you love me.

You don't have to tell me you love me through that. And if you need to tell me you love me through that, I'll take it with me. But the most important part is for you to just let me know you love me. Like when my sister has meltdowns, I'll say to her, honey, I you know I love you. You know?

Like, if she'll try to force feed me or something, I'll say, you know I love you. Right? It's okay for you to tell me you love me, which isn't always possible on their part. My mother was good at it and so was my father. They both passed away.

But they both got very good at it. You know? Being able to not use food to show me how much they love me. You know? Anybody else?

No? Yes. How do I sponsor people? The women I sponsor call me usually on Sundays, and they're kind of lined up in the morning 9, 9 20, 9:45 and we go through the steps together. I they start on step 1 through 3 and think about the powerlessness and how their life is unmanageable and we spend time talking about that and thinking about that together.

They write a 4th, we get together, we do the 5th step, whereby they give it to me, we both give it to God, we usually burn it or do some kind of a ritual. You know, I send them off with 6 and 7 and that they stay aware of their shortcomings and their defects and ask God humbly to remove them. And from their 4th, we start in 8 and 9. We start to, you know, make the list of the amends and then go out and we talk about how they're going to make those amends. 11, we talk about how they wanna have their spiritual program.

Not all of them believe in God. I don't you don't have to believe in God, but you do need to believe in something. I think of at least OA. And 12, they, you know, go out there and be of service. And I have a woman I've been sponsoring in San Diego for 15 years now.

She's been down there for 13 years and, you know, we talk. Did my heart play a role in my recovery? Yeah. Hilda Levine was my grand sponsor. She's in a different program, but she was my grand sponsor.

And she told me, she was just very inspiring and I it my art is my reflective time. I have an art studio that I built in my garage. And I go back there and I'm quiet. I am not with the world. I need that part of me.

I have a very isolated, healthy part of me that's isolated, quiet, withdrawn, and I come out. Instead of having a bunch of vomit in the Santa Monica Bay, I have some great art. Instead of weighing 140, I have great art because there's a part of me that's real quiet and it's a healthy part of me, it's not like a bad part and that's it.