The Colorado State Convention in Denver, CO

Thank you. I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wanna thank the committee for inviting me and giving me an opportunity to participate in my recovery with you this weekend. For those of you who have been participating here since the beginning, I just wanna tell you if you have attention deficit disorder and you get through listening before I'm done talking, you just feel free to leave. It has been a very busy weekend. I, you pack an awful lot into an 8 and a half by 11 sheet of paper. I can tell you that.

I wanna thank Kathy for meeting me at the airport, yesterday and giving me a walking tour of the Denver Airport parking lot. She could not have parked any further from, from the baggage claim than she did. And, we were walking through and walking and walking and walking through the parking lot. She seemed to know where she was going, and I was following about 12 steps behind because, I was having a little trouble breathing. I live at sea level, and she apparently, we found the truck, so she did obviously know where we were going 7 and a half miles after we started from us.

So I'd like to thank her for that. I I do I was having a problem last night. I was exhausted, and I couldn't figure out why. I thought I'd been bit by a peachy fly or something. I I was just having a really hard time staying awake, and then I thought, well, it must have been the pasta.

The cheese was too rich. I mean, I'm very anal. I try and figure these things out. And then somebody finally suggested it was at the altitude, and they suggested I drink a ton of water. And so I've been drinking a ton of water.

Now I'm still tired, but I have to pee all the time. So When they assured me, I would get used to the altitude just about the time I landed at LAX tomorrow. So, I'm grateful for that. I, I often wonder how I should start my talk and, you know, when I'm saying that, I'm thinking, well, I already started it. So but I was in the Al Anon meeting.

I was sitting over there, and I was listening to Dolores, and I was, of course every once in a while, I'd look up at that big screen. I was not thinking about Dolores. I was thinking about me. And, wondering if I had time to go have a facial before I got up here. That is just a little intimidating, I wanna I wanna tell you.

On the other hand, it could be a good thing. I did take everything out of my pockets. I have a tendency to touch myself while I'm talking. And and at other times too, just depending on my mood. But, one time I was talking at an AA event and I was touching myself and I was, you know, kind of having a good time.

And I had a lighter in my pocket and somehow the lighter ignited, and I was wearing silk that evening. And, I don't know if you're familiar with silk, but it ignites really quickly. And one spark in that lighter and I just it burst into flames behind the podium. And I am CPR first aid certified, so I know it's stopped, dropped, and rolled. I'm also a compulsive talker, so as I was going to the floor, I grabbed the microphone and I just kept talking while I rolled myself out and stood back up, mostly naked, and finished my talk.

I was thinking the I was thinking while I was sitting here because I think all the time. That was one of the one of the things that worried me about this altitude business. I was, of course, have been obsessed wondering if I'm getting enough oxygen to my brain, because I think all the time. And when your lack of oxygen could slow down my thinking process, So I was concentrating on how well I was thinking, so I would know if the altitude was really affecting me. And I was thinking about, see, a number of years ago, I was, loitering around in a in a drugstore.

I like to loiter around the pharmacy area where they're dispensing the medication. And I was I watch them get their pills, you know, in the different colors, and I fantasize about what that stuff would do. And I was loitering around there and as I was loitering, I noticed there was a display of, seeds. There were vegetable and fruit seeds, and and they were on sale, 10 packs for a dollar. And I thought, you know, I've never had a hobby.

People in AA are always talking about their hobbies. And I've never really had a hobby. Maybe I could have a garden. It would be like a really cool hobby. So I thought about what 10 packs of seeds to buy.

It was a big decision and it took me, oh, probably an hour before I finally picked the 10 packs of seeds that I was going to start my new hobby, my garden with. I bought the seeds. I went home. I went out to my backyard, and I was looking around the backyard trying to decide where to put my garden. Well, the backyard was pretty well growing with things.

There really wasn't any place for my garden, but I had a a slope that ran the the length of my property, and there was nothing growing on the slope. And I thought, well, that'd be a good place for my garden. But then I had a little concern because I thought, if I plant the seeds in the slope when I water seeds? I mean, it'll just roll off the slope and I won't really know if it's going down to the seeds or not. So I pondered that for a while, and I'm not a mason, but I figured if I went to Home Depot and got a truckload of brick, I could build a wall.

So I went and got this brick and I built a retaining wall. And, you know, if you're not a mason, it's that mixing up that cement is really difficult to get it to the right consistency. And you really should not try putting it on that scaffold and throwing it up and catching it and slapping it down on the brick. That's I think that takes a lot of practice, but I I'm building this wall and I built it and I have my disease manifest itself. I tend to start quick, but then I get bored.

And I I kinda got bored a little too soon with this wall, but I finished the wall. And when I looked at it, it wasn't real straight. It was kind of had some curves in it, but if you put a lot of stucco on it, you can straighten it right out. So I I stuck up the heck out of that thing, and I got it straightened out. And then I bought a truckload of dirt and I filled it in because I was gonna, like, level off my slope.

Well, I had pooped out on the brick thing a little early, and so when I filled it in with dirt, it's still sloped. It wasn't as severe, but it was still a slope. So I went to Home Depot and got another truckload of bricks, and about halfway up, I built another wall so I had a tiered garden. When I get done with that, I'm looking at it. And then I start thinking, you know, I'm not home a lot.

I work a full time job. I go to AA meetings every night. I sponsor women. I'm away from home a lot of weekends. Who's gonna water my garden?

So I'm not a plumber, but I tapped into the water main And I brought I brought a water line out to my new garden area and I laid some drip hose in my garden. So I figured that way, it could get water. Not an electrician, but I tapped into the electric and I brought I brought electricity out there so that I could put a timer on the whole thing so that the timer could be set and my garden would be watered. And I figured as long as I bring electricity out, I might as well put some Malibu lights just for and put the Malibu lights planting my seeds. It cost me 1,000 and 1,000 and 1,000 of dollars to plant a dollar's worth of seeds.

And the reason I tell you that story is because I suffer from alcoholism. I don't suffer from alcoholwasm. I suffer from alcoholism and I have alcoholism as badly tonight as I did the day I came to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I need you I need you more tonight I needed you the day I came to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous because my disease manifests itself differently on a daily basis. But I have alcoholism, so I am so grateful that me and my alcoholism are with you this weekend so that I can get the solutions to the events in my life so that I have an opportunity to live successfully out there.

And that's why I've come here, is so that I can live successfully out in the world. My sponsor tells me when I do this, I should tell you my name and tell you the truth. I've already told you my name. I'm not so certain I'm gonna tell you the truth. And the reason for that is obvious to me.

I mean, I didn't know when when I was out there practicing, which I think is a really bizarre word for what we do, I needed no practice. I am really, really good at drinking. But when I was out there, I didn't know that what it used to be like was gonna be important. When I was out there, I didn't know I didn't know that I was gonna be expected to report to you what it used to be like. If I would have known I was gonna be here tonight expected to report to you, I would have paid more attention to my life.

If I would have known well, if I'd have known about a 4th and 5th step, I can guarantee you I would not have done some of the things that I did. But I didn't know that what it used to be like was going to be important. So what I share with you is my perspective of what it used to be like. A lot of what I share with you has been reported to me by other people, and I just have to assume they're telling me the truth. I have a job that, I had to get a fingerprint clearance, and, when I was I fingerprint really, really well.

I know how to fingerprint. I just know exactly how to roll with it. It's just an easy, sleazy. But I was being fingerprinted, and I didn't wanna raise any red flags. So I said to the woman who was printing me, I said, how far back are you gonna check?

And she looked me in the eye and said, from the day you were born. The book says more will be revealed. It doesn't say how. And I thought, hey. Yeah.

It's like a 5th step, only it's in the wrong order because they're gonna know about it before I do. And I can tell you I know a lot more about what it used to be like than I knew before I was fingerprinted. So a lot of this has just been reported to me by other people. And, and I'm I'm just gonna believe that it's that it's the truth. I, I didn't have my first drink until I was 13 years old.

I'm really sorry I waited that long, but, I had no idea I had no idea what alcohol would do to me or for me. As far as I know, I had, I just didn't know anything about alcohol. I had never made any I'm never gonna drink promises, and I had never had any oh, I can't wait until I can drink ideas. I just never thought about alcohol one way or another. And yet, when I was 13 years old, I was on a camping trip at beach in Southern California.

And I remember when we got into the tent that night, I had a bottle of vodka in my pillowcase. And to this day, I don't know where it came from. I all I've always believed it was the grace of god, but I can never be sure. But but I remember being excited about having it. And I asked if anybody wanted it and they didn't.

And the reason they gave me for not wanting it was all we had to mix with it was grape soda and root beer. And I said, well, so what? And I took off the top and I drank half the bottle and I looked around the tent, nothing had got different, nothing had changed. So I drank the second half of the bottle and that was to be the end of my social drinking. Never again never again after that day did I ever offer anybody a drink out of my bottle.

And I don't know about anybody else, but I never had resentments until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of my early resentments in Alcoholics Anonymous was I heard you talk about your first drink, and you talked about taking the drink. And you talked about you felt it in your mouth, and you described it as you felt it go down your throat. And you you talked about it hitting your stomach, and you you described how it exploded from your stomach. It went to your fingernails and your toenails.

And you talked about your pimples falling off, and you grew up 2 or 3 inches, and you lost £20, and you became prince Charles and lady died, and wonderful things happened to you. And that wasn't the case for me. I had my first drink of alcohol and absolutely nothing happened to me for about 15 minutes. And at the end of the 15 minutes, the only thing that happened to me is I had go to the bathroom. And it's my belief tonight that if you were to drink a quart of anything, in about 15 minutes, you would have to go to the bathroom.

So I got out of the tent and I shuffled down to the outhouse and I went in and went to the bathroom. And when I got done and went to get up, I realized I was absolutely, totally, 100% paralyzed to the toilet seat. I couldn't move. I couldn't even blink. I didn't feel my heart beating, and I was over come with a sense of fear.

And, of course, the fear was that somebody else is gonna have to come use that outhouse, and there I was paralyzed to the toilet seat. Later in my drinking, I did discover that 2 people can use the same toilet at the same time. If the second person is very careful about what they're doing but I I didn't know that at 13, so I sat there and I I had I intuitively knew that the body was made up of energy, and I somehow figured that if I could gather my energy, I would be alright. So I suppose it was my first formal meditation because I sat I sat and I gathered my energy. And when it seemed to be all in one place and it seemed to be sort of centrally located, I just fell off the toilet, out the door, into the sand, and started crawling back to the tent.

Now, of course, since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I've discovered that my entire problem that night was my attitude. If my attitude would have been right, I could have had a fantasy. I was in the marines. As being dive bombed as I was trying to get back to safety. And and if my attitude would have been right, it could have been a wonderful experience.

Now in my own defense, I always have to say that my pants were still down at my ankles. I had started to get sick. I couldn't quite get through it. I couldn't get around it. And I think under those circumstances, it's a little difficult to have a good attitude.

I I did somehow manage to get back to the tent. I fell in and I passed out. And when I came to in the morning, I realized nobody was in the tent with me and I couldn't figure out where they went until my eyes cleared enough that I realized I'd been sick all night long. I'd hit the top of the tent, the side of the tent, the floor of the tent. I hadn't missed a square inch, and quite frankly, I didn't wanna be in the tent either, so I got out of there.

And that was my first drink of alcohol. It was the most wonderful, incredible, marvelous, magnificent, fabulous, spiritual experience I'd ever had. And and it must have been because I put some amount of alcohol into my body from that day until the day I came to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't always get drunk. And I didn't always drink the kinds of things that you would classify as a beverage.

I drank a lot of, I drank a lot of vanilla extract. I used to buy it by the 6 pack. I remember the day the guy at the market I remember the day the guy at the market called me over and he said, Patty, I can't let you buy vanilla extract anymore. He said, I can't believe anybody fakes as much as you do. And I got cut off from that supply.

I drank a lot of mouthwash, I drank a lot of perfume, taboo became my after dinner drink of choice. I, I still have a weakness. If you're wearing it, I may follow you too closely and laugh at your neck. I'm the kind of person that came to your house and ate and drank everything in your bathroom. That's and I don't know.

This is unusual. I don't know there's anything unusual about this. I think I drink because I wanna drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice. I don't know that at 13 years old, I put alcohol into an alcoholic body.

And from that day on, I had no choice. I think I drink because I wanna drink, and I don't know that I'm living any different than anybody else. And when you think about it, how would we know? I mean, I don't know about anybody else, but, I was a bar drinker. I was a living room drinker, an alley drinker, car drinker, a dumpster drinker, an office drinker, I mean, an alley drinker.

I didn't really specialize, I just drank. But but I love bars and I love sleazy, sleazy, nasty bars. I love those kind of bars that have sawdust on the floor. I like them when the mirrors are cracked, so you kinda have to dip around to see yourself in there. I I like them when they're full of smoke and they have that wonderful used booze urine smell that I I salivate still when I think of it.

I love that. I love that smell, but, but you know what fascinates me about those sleazy places? In retrospect, I am fascinated by the quality of people who drank there. There were, there were CEOs of really big companies. There were bank presidents.

There were admirals in the air force. There were neurosurgeons. I mean, that's what they said they were. I I never told a lie in a bar. I I don't but we weren't sitting around there having conversations like, what do you prefer, the red mouthwash or the green?

What's your preference, chantilly or aquavelva? We weren't having those kinds of conversations, so it doesn't occur to me I'm living any different than anybody else. I think I drink because I wanna drink. I don't know that I don't have a choice. I had an opportunity to go to college.

I graduated from college with a 3.8 grade point average. I share that with you because it almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous. The chronic hopeless, helpless alcoholic I'm drinking on a daily basis and I graduate from college with a 3 8 grade point average. When I came here, I told you I was too smart to be an alcoholic. Nobody with a 3 8 grade point average could possibly be an alcoholic.

I I, I got my degree. I stayed in at San Diego State and took classes for a master's degree. I left San Diego State because I've been offered a job in Chico, California, which is as far north as you can get and still be in California. And that's the reason I left school and put everything I owned in my car, took 2 cases of beer, 2 bottles of booze, and I headed north. I got 80 miles north of San Diego, and I was out of booze, and I was thirsty.

I, I pulled off the freeway. I have a sense. I can find the sleepiest bar in town without even looking for it. I pulled into the parking lot of this place. I walked in.

It was full of smoke. It had that wonderful used booze urine smell. Willie Nelson was singing on the jukebox and I knew I was home. That's as far north as I ever got, 80 miles from where I started from. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my friend, my my lover, my companion, my support.

And at some point it had turned and I've always believed it was in the middle of my first drink. But at some point it had turned and began to strip me of self esteem, self worth, dignity, decency, honesty, integrity, pride, all the things we have going for us as human beings. And by the time I got here, it had taken it all and they didn't have a clue. I got a job in the profession of my choice. I rose very quickly to the top and that too almost killed me in Alcoholics Anonymous because I told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic.

I told you about the trophies and the plaques. What I didn't tell you about, I was in the newspaper business. And I know tonight it was because I God gave me a gift, we often won awards. But we also were community papers, so we often gave awards. And what I didn't tell you about was the times that I would come out of a blackout standing behind the podium much like this in a room full of people holding an award, not knowing if I was giving it or receiving it.

And so I would say thank you and I would go sit down and then somebody would elbow me and tell me I was presenting it to the Kiwanis Club and I'd have to get up and start over again. And and I didn't tell you that, I just told you I was too successful to be an alcoholic. And by the way, I love black outs. I'm a black out drinker. I love black outs.

I don't understand people who come to AA in a panic. And they're in a meeting and they're and they're panicking and they're talking about, last night I was in a bar and I looked at my watch and it was 1:30. Next thing I knew, it was quarter after 2. I don't know where that 45 minutes went. I know my lifetime manager will have come to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Please help me work the 12 steps I and so I can recover. I I don't understand that. I love blackouts. There was nothing more exciting to me than leaving work on August 2nd, going back to work on August and discovering I'd been there the entire time. It makes the time between paychecks really short.

I wish I could have blackouts sober. I love blackouts, but blackouts didn't bother me at all. Bring on the blackouts. I, I arrived in hey. Hey.

Hey. And I have to tell you this. I'm having a major hot flash. Carl talked about taking his hearing aids off. I will take my clothes off.

I'm telling you. No booze is one thing. No booze and no estrogen will kill you. I'm telling you, I don't mind bearing children, but I think men ought to go through menopause. I, Well, well, well, I got sidetracked.

Now you have way more information about me than you need to have. I'm sure. I, I arrived in Alcoholics Anonymous as a result of what I prayed god was my last drunk driving assault. Another resentment I got in Alcoholics Anonymous was I discovered you can get arrested for a single charge of drunk driving. I never knew that I would get arrested for drunk driving assault.

And it had something to do with how I get out of the car. And here's the thing, I'm I'm driving down the street. I am always minding my own business, and I don't know why the cops are always looking for me. But I'm driving down the street, and the light comes on behind me, and I pull over. The officer walks up to the car door and the first thing I do is slam the car door open.

Now my intent is to knock them in the private parts, but, men are a little fussy about their private parts. So as the doors flying open, he jumps back. And when he jumps back, it's really a good thing because now he's far enough away that I can get him in focus. And I think one of him, one of me. 1 of him, one of me.

I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll try, and I would go out the car for him. And it would be a really good fight for a couple of minutes. Now I was a lot younger then, but it was a really good fight. But I would never remember that he had a friend back at the car.

And the friend had a radio and the friend would call some more friends, and pretty soon it'd be 3 or 4 of them. One of me, well, now it's not fair anymore. And I say, uncle. And the next time the light comes on behind me, I pull over, the officer walks up, I slam the car door open, he jumps back, he gets far enough away, I can get him in focus, and I think, one of him, one of me. One of him, one of me.

I think I can take him. One of him, one of me, I think I'll try, and I would go for him. And it would be a good fight for a couple of minutes, but I wouldn't remember the friend in the radio and the friend's friends. Pretty soon, it'd be 4 or 5 of them wanna meet. It's not fair anymore.

It's their uncle. The next time the light comes on and I don't do that 1, 2, or 2 times. I do that 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 times. I never remember the friend, the radio, and the friend's friend. And when you do that, they don't care that they won the fight.

They attach an assault charge. Drunk driving assault. Drunk driving assault. And I'm the kind of person, I get released from jail, I always get the arrest report, and I read it. And I find out where I made my mistake.

So that I can practice that part, so that next time I'll get that part right. I always knew there'd be a next time. I always knew because it was you and they and them. It was circumstances and conditions. It was the cops.

It was a lot of things. Never occurred to me that had anything to do with alcohol. Absolutely never occurred to me that had anything to do with alcohol. So I practice field sobriety tests a lot. I am really good at field sobriety tests.

And on what I prayed god was my last drunk driving assault, I was doing really well. In fact, I commented to the officer that I thought he should give me an a plus. I mean, by then, I knew how to walk. I knew touch your finger to your nose meant this. It didn't mean that.

And I was doing a swell job. Now at the end of the test, the officer asked me to say the ABCs backwards. Well, the time before, I had responded with, well, I can't even do that sober. Well, then I had just confessed. Right?

So so this time when he asked me to say the ABCs backwards, I said okay. And I turned around. So you think it's funny. He wasn't even mildly amused. I was turned around, he cuffed me, took me to Orange County Jail, and he put me in a cell with criminals.

And up until that time, I had not suffered any consequences from drunk driving. In the state of California, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but they just didn't have their underwear in such a knot about drunk driving. But I mean, I've lost my driver's license, but so what? I never had a problem driving the car without it. I, I had a little difficulty cashing a check, but it was never difficult to drive a car.

But I never really had any other consequences. But at the end of my drinking, the state of California was getting in their underwear in the knot about people barreling down the freeway at 80 miles an hour, blowing a 0.42 on their breathalyzer. And, and and they were really getting upset. So, at at my last one, I was 26 years old. I was in court drunk.

The only way I went to court. The only way I went to the grocery store to work the laundromat at school. The only way I did anything. I stood there drunk that morning being sentenced to 10 years in prison. And in the middle of sentencing me, the expression on the judge's face changed and the tone of his voice got different.

And I know he was as surprised at what he was saying as I was at what I was hearing. Because in the middle of sentencing, he looked at me and he said, I know this won't work for you, but I'm gonna offer you an alternative, and part of that alternative was meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I wish I could tell you that I left the courtroom, I came here, I looked at the 12 steps, I knew they were the solutions to problems in my life, I worked them all in a week and skyrocketed to recovery. Sometimes I do tell that, but that is not my story. I stood there and I thought about it.

Jail alternative. Jail alternative. Trying to make a decision. The public defender is putting his elbow on my ribs and I'm thinking, jail alternative. And in that, while I was trying to figure it out, I had what I know tonight was a moment of clarity.

Because as clear as I knew anything, I knew that morning that if I went to jail, I would either die in the institution or I'd become institutionalized for life. And I didn't know why I knew that that morning, but I knew it as clear as anything. And I took the alternative and I left the courtroom and I drank for 4 more months. In retrospect, I can tell you I didn't drink a greater quantity. Physically, it would have been impossible to drink a greater quantity of alcohol.

But I drank with a sense of urgency, that I had never known before. And I drank with a desperation that I had never known. And on October 4, 1975, the day before I was to go back to court to tell the judge what it was I was doing with the alternative he gave me, On that day, I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was a speaker meeting and, I didn't I as far as I know, I'd never heard the words Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know what you people were gonna do to me or for me.

And I went to the meeting that night, and I sat in the back of the room, and I could not tell you who talked that night. But I heard 2 things. I heard we don't drink between meetings. Well, I quickly looked around and I didn't see any of them drinking in the meeting. And I thought, if you're not drinking in the meeting and you don't drink between the meetings, when do you drink?

This made me this made me really nervous and that I cannot figure out why the judge sent me to a place where people didn't a place where people didn't drink. I would have understood if he sent me to the Sears School of Safe Driving. I did not understand why he sent me to a place where people people didn't drink. The other thing that I heard was that the answers were in this book, Alcoholics Anonymous. So after the meeting, I stole the book.

I mean, God knows I need to have the answers. I can't tell you how irritated I was because when I got home that night, I read that book. Not only could I not find the answers in there, I couldn't even find the questions. I thought, oh, dear god. I've stolen the wrong book, and I'm gonna have to go back and get the right one.

And Wednesday, with 4 days of sobriety, I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to get the answer book. I don't think it matters why you come back. I think what's important is that you come back. I don't think it matters what your motive is or what your intention are intention is. I think it matters what your action is.

Wednesday, with 4 days of sobriety, I came to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and it was a small discussion meeting. And in that meeting, I heard if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. And I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I looked around the room and I could not figure out out what it was you had that was so hot that I should be willing to go in any lengths to get it. I mean, look at the person next to you. Unless you're sleeping with them, what is it?

I mean, I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure it out. And then I saw him. And I truly believe there's a him for each of us. This guy was a skinny little fellow.

He was ball headed. He wore baggy pants, not like the I don't know about the kids in, Colorado, but I work with kids. I work with teenagers who wear pants that have absolutely no relationship to their body size. They wear pants that are so big I'm forever telling them they could put a homeless family in there with them. But, his weren't quite that baggy, but they were baggy.

And he had tennis shoes on with no shoelaces. Only the holes were there where they should've been, and he nodded out during the meeting. And I quickly assessed the situation. I figured he was shooting heroin because folks who shoot heroin, not out. And I can probably do this thing and not drink if I could shoot a little heroin.

So I found out where he worked, and next day went down to his office. And I said, Dick, I have to do this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous to stay out of jail and I don't know how to do it. And he told me if I would go to meetings and read the book and talk to other alcoholics and not drink. So I guarantee you won't get drunk. And if you don't get drunk, your life will get different.

And I'm grateful he told it to me that way. He didn't tell me my life would get better. He didn't tell me my family life would get better, my job life would get better, my finances would get better, my relationships would get better, my life would get better. He didn't tell me any of it would get better, and I'm grateful because none of it has. It's a little hope for the newcomer and his former wife.

Of my head to the tip of my toes, I have never had it so good. I have never had it so good. You see, I don't know good from bad for me. I'm going through something I think is good for me and it generally turns out to be bad for me. And I'm going through something I think is bad for me and it generally turns out to be good for me.

And I don't know good from bad for me, but I know different. And every area of my life is different than it was the day I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have never had it so good. My perception, and this may or may not be true, this is just my perception of my life. People hurt me all my life. People disappointed me and they let me down.

My parents told me they loved me anymore in their love and I had to die. Their love was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. As a small child, I came to know that you would not be there for me. If you told me you would do something, you weren't gonna do it. As a small child, I learned that people hurt you.

And as a small child, I made a decision I don't wanna be hurt anymore. And so as a small child, I began to build a wall between me and you. And I built a big brick wall between me and you because I just didn't wanna be hurt anymore. And that wall kept you out. What I never knew about that wall is it made me a prisoner inside.

I lived behind that wall in isolation and loneliness. And alcohol didn't allow me to come out and play. Alcohol just made it okay for me to be back there. And when you live behind a big wall like that, you don't believe and you don't trust. But for some reason that morning, I believed that old man.

And I hadn't believed another human being in a very long time. And I need to tell you that old man who I thought was shooting heroin, the truth was that he was sober longer than I'd been alive. And the reason that he nodded out in meetings is he had something inside that I didn't have a clue as to what it was. He He had a serenity and a peace inside. He was right with us.

He was right with God and he was right with himself. And I didn't have a clue as to what that was. But I believed him and I had the book. So every night I'd open it to chapter 3 and I'd read the line that says most of us are unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics. I'd say amen and close the book and that was reading the book.

I would go down to the Canyon Club in Laguna Beach where they have AA meetings. I'd have a cup of coffee on the way out. I'd say hi, Jim, to the manager. He'd say hi, Patty. That was talking to another alcoholic.

My core program said I had to go to 2 meetings a week. I thought that was really obsessive, but I was willing to go to anyone else to stay out of jail. So I went to the 2 meetings a week my court program said I had to go to. And the only thing I did right is I didn't drink. I didn't drink, and I didn't drink, and I didn't drink.

And I was not a happy newcomer. The book talks about we become restless, irritable, and discontent. That's an understatement to what I became. The only thing I knew was anger, and I acted it out in violence. I would sit in the back of the meeting, the speaker would be sharing.

I didn't like what they were saying, I'd jump up and I would let them know exactly what I thought of what they were saying. It was usually like these string of profanities, but I put them together in such a way that it sounded like a sentence. And I would and I would just spew it out from the back of the room, and then some little old blue haired lady would turn around and smile and say, keep coming back. And I'd looking her off, I'd wave my court card in her face, and I would tell her I didn't have a choice. And I would sit back down until it went off again and, I carried a knife in my boot.

I would pull it out. I just wanted a reaction. If somebody would react, I'd clean my fingernails. If nobody reacted, I threw it across the room at the literature rack. I always aimed at the piece of literature or members I view.

I didn't always get it, but that's what I aim for. One night a guy shared, he irritated me and said, like, I jumped him after the meeting. I was beating his head into the concrete floor. Took 6 guys to get me off of him and I knew they were gonna tell me I had to leave. I thought he had to get I was trying to get thrown out.

It never occurred to me just not to come back. And when those guys got me off of him, one of those men looked at me and he said, Patty, next time you feel that volcano about to explode, so just put your hands in your pockets and don't touch another human being. And I wondered how we knew about the volcano. Nobody had ever talked to me about the volcano before, but that's what I had inside of me. I had a volcano, and when it erupted, I had to do something.

When it erupted, I wanted to see blood, preferably yours. When it erupted, I didn't seem to have any control. And I had to walk around Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time with my hands in my pockets to discover that that anger was a cupboard for a tremendous amount of fear. I was absolutely scared to death. I was afraid of you.

I was afraid of life. I was afraid of me. And I survived in places where you can't survive if you're afraid. And a long time ago I began to cover that fear with anger and acted out in violence and that's all I knew when I got here. But I didn't drink, and I didn't drink, and I didn't drink.

And I pray God happens to everybody who's knew what happened to me. 8 and a half months away from my last drink, the pain of not drinking and not recovering drove me to my knees. I think the greatest pain that I have ever suffered, and I've been in pain in the last 25 years, I somehow thought and nobody gave me this information, I just made it up. A lot of things that I think are true, I make up. The difference today is I usually check it with you because most of the time, my solutions are worse than the problem.

So but early on, I I thought that if I work the steps really, really hard with enough cash and if I really, really work the steps, I would somehow sort of soar above humanness. I would somehow be soaring up here where I would never experience anything that I judged as negative. I would never have a feeling that I judge as negative. I would never have any fear, insecurity, self doubt, I'd never have a flat tire. Or just be like life would be grand.