The Santa Barbara Convention in Santa Barbara, CA

Hello, everyone. I am Barbara Parmley, a very grateful member of Al Anon. Hi, Barbara. And I wanna thank the committee for inviting Charlie and I, here. It's kinda fun to get to go places together.

And I've met a lot of real nice people, and I I always enjoy just being around a bunch of people in the fellowship. I I was looking at the colors, and I'm sure you didn't erase that way, but it's really odd that the blue here matches the blue in the big book. It was very appropriate for the hotel to use these colors for you for an AA, an hour on convention. I'm always a little apprehensive about how do you how how do I start. It's always a little nervous and, it takes a little bit for God to take over.

Barbara is still in charge because I got all this fear. But, one of the things about about being invited, I don't know if it was just an AA convention, but I've always thanked AA for allowing us to be a part of their conventions because alcoholism is a family illness. I read where Bill Wilson when he addressed the first Al Anon World Service Conference that they had in New York, and he told them, he said, you know, alcoholics don't just quit drinking. They grow away from drinking. And if you don't grow with them, they grow away from you.

And so, you know, for alcoholic sobriety, it really helps if the other party is in Al Anon. And I'm just one of the fortunate ones that because I married an alcoholic, it made me eligible for Al Anon. For to the alcohol. When I went to my first Al Anon meeting and this lady said she was grateful she was married to an alcoholic, I said, she must be crazy, you know. But today I can say I'm grateful I'm married to an alcoholic because we've met some wonderful people in in the AA and Al Anon Fellowship.

A lot of people ask ask usually ask them where is Maysville, Arkansas? If you try to call us and you call information from Charles Parmley in Maysville, Arkansas, they'll say there's no Charles Parmley listed because we really live in Oklahoma. But the telephone system comes out of Arkansas and our our mail at one time was delivered out of Arkansas because we're right on the Arkansas line. And so, then several years back, the states decided in order to get the right tax dollars, if you're in Okie, you're gonna have to pay taxes in Oklahoma, so they changed the area code to 918 instead of the Arkansas 501. The carrier was going to start coming out of an Oklahoma post office about, 20 15 miles from our home.

And so we were gonna change our address to Oklahoma. So we decided we didn't want to change our address because we were always have been Maysville since we moved there. So we just got us a post office box at the nearest post office, which is Maysville, Arkansas, about 3 miles from home. So if anybody tries to call us and we've had this happen, they call and they can't find us. Us and it's not listed, so the operator says.

And so they they have called the Maysville post office a lot of times and asked, do they do, you know, do you know a Charles Palmer? And the post office will give them our phone number. Also, we are right on the, Missouri line. In fact, that's something we're not but 60 miles, south of Joplin, Missouri. So the nearest bank is about 6 miles from our home.

So we bank in Missouri. And when I used to go out of town to Tulsa, which was at that time had the was the biggest city with them all, I'd go to Tulsa to shop and I'd try to write a check, and here I'd pull out my checkbook with an Arkansas address, Oklahoma driver's license when they wanna look at your driver's license, and the bank was in Missouri. So it was a little difficult to get a check written. In fact, that's how I justified to Charlie that I needed a Visa. Go anywhere in the world.

They they may not speak any language. I've been in Germany and and France and where they can't speak English, but you say Visa. Yeah. Well, I'm supposed to tell a little bit what it's like. Well, I was gonna tell you about Maysville.

Actually, Maysville is, it's probably got about 50. And somebody said 50,000 said no. 50. In fact, I've read several jokes about these small towns and that the the town was so small that when there's an emergency you just have to step out on the front porch and say, yell 911 or our town was so small there was only one hooker in town, she's still a virgin. So anyway, that's that's that's actually we live on a farm.

We have an 85 acre farm which is like I say, it's out in the rural area and we are the 3 miles from Maysia which does have a handy stop station and a post office and a little cafe and that's Maysville. And, so anyway, that's that's where Charlie took me when he started his drinking career in our marriage. But as a little girl growing up, I'm from that society back when, back when I was born in the thirties, as you can tell. And you're supposed to say, oh, no. That makes my day, you know.

I love to pull out these senior citizen discount and ask, oh, you just don't look that old. And I go, oh. If they don't, I'm gonna cry. But, as a little girl growing up, that's all I can remember. I wanted to hurry up and grow up so I can play house and have one little girl and I wanted to have a home like, at our home, you know, where our father goes off to work, mother stays home and takes care of the children and cooks the meals.

And every weekend, we spend time with together we do things together as a family and daddy's always there doing things with us, us, building swings and just little odds and ends for the children. It was just, you know, that's the way people were supposed to be. So I just couldn't wait to grow up and get married and play house. And so, I guess when I was about 10th grade, 9th or 10th grade, I began to kinda look at the boys and and so dad took me to the side and talked to me. I had my sex education talk.

Now there are certain things that nice girls don't do until you get married and you don't get married until you graduate from high school. So it said, besides, if you do, the boys will write your name on the pool hall bathroom door. Okay. That was birth control back in my era. That's what's wrong with today.

There's no more pool halls. In fact, when I retired from this poultry industry where I just retired a couple of years ago, I was joking and told him about that little deal. My dad said, I said, you know, I've always wanted to have my name in the men's restroom. Would you go in there and write on the in the on the wall in the men's restroom that barber's easy and put my phone number on there? But, so anyway, here I am all this frustrated teenager.

I just can't wait to hurry up and graduate so I can get married and do what daddy said I couldn't do till I got married. So I graduated in May and I've been dating this young man. He was a nice nice young man and I figured, you know, it's the kind my dad would like. He goes to church every Sunday and they had a nice came from a nice family and, his folks had told him the same thing that my dad dad told me so we hurried up and got married so we could finally do it and, it was a big disappointment. Anticipation is So here we are getting married and and starting to play house and, and I wanted to hurry up and had this little had this little girl.

In fact, it was. It happened to be a little girl and I could dress and play houses, but the only difference was I couldn't stay home and play house because I was supposed to work because it took both of us to to make this income because he had all these hobbies that we that he wanted to be involved in so he could have to use his money for these hobbies and so I had to help with the finances. And so we, and I and I was trying to say, you know, he's supposed to be like my daddy and so I'm trying to train him. And I loved it whenever, was it, Katie? Friday night I was talking about control.

Of course, even, Jack brought that up too about control, you know. And so I'm gonna fix this thing. I gotta fix this guy and teach him how to play house, you know. So I'm trying to train this guy so he'll know how to play house like my daddy did. And you do these things with the family and with the children and with the mother.

We're always supposed to be together and do these things. He was always doing all these other things, getting involved in all these hobbies. In fact, somebody was talking about the race car. He was into the car racing and we were spending more money buying these little sports cars and things to go racing in than we were on our home. And I just didn't think that was right.

You know, daddy didn't do those things. Daddy's hobby was the children and the mother. So after about 14 years of marriage, and we had 3 children by then, and, I decided, you know, I'm not gonna be able to fix this guy. You know, and being the typical Al Anon personality, if you can't fix it, you just leave it and go find something you can fix. You know, he's just not fixable.

So, we, and I certainly didn't want any more children and so but and get really be trapped in this situation and I was the type anyway that, you know, if I wasn't continuing with where I was or wasn't getting in my way, I'd just run from it and do jobs or whatever. So, we, got this divorce and I wouldn't say it was, it wasn't really a friendly divorce, but we did, you know, decide that that it was just not working and and know, I've never had a man beg me to stay when I'd file for divorces. You know, not that I had that many but, you know, he just said, well, if that's what you think and and that ought to tell you something about my personality. But anyway, we got this divorce and so now now then I'm I'm I know what I want. I'm older now.

I know the kind of man I I want to be married to, the kind of husband I want. I want one who, would wanna be a father to these children and stay home and do things with the children. I wanted someone who is financially secure so I wouldn't have to work. I had always had to work since I've been married, and I wanted to be able to stay home and play house and, and and have had someone take care of me. And I I wanted someone who wanted me for a hobby, you know, so we could spend some time together.

And so I decided, you know, really what I was looking for was a rich sex maniac. And there he stands. But he's retired now. You'll hear him tonight. But, so I was working for the state of Oklahoma and, I in this smaller town about, 60 or 80 miles from Tulsa and I would write these letters to I was working for a rehabilitation agency and we'd write these letters to the Spartan School of Aeronautics in Tulsa regarding, sending students there for training and this mister Charles Parmley was the director of admission.

So I knew this name. I've been typing these these letters for several years to this Charles Parmley. So we were at a rehab conference at one time and and, my boss comes walking in with this young man. Like I say, this was several years ago. Charlie and I have been married 35 years this December.

So this was several years ago. And he comes my boss comes walking in with this young man and I said, well, who is that? And they said, well, that's Charlie Parley. Well, he's younger than I thought that it would be from the position that he had at this company. So we sat at the same banquet table and, every time I'd look up, I'd notice he'd be looking at me and I was kinda eyeballing him.

So, after the met this conference was over, the banquet, why we started visiting and of course my first question, are you married? And he he wasn't married. And the next question, do you have any children? I knew that I wouldn't be able to raise anyone else's children with 3 of my own and I had a 12 year old girl, a 10 year old girl, and about a 2 year old little boy. So I knew couldn't have seen the responsibility of any more children.

So, we we started visiting and after that he said, if you ever get to Tulsa, why? Give me a call. And and so I managed to get to Tulsa. I had a sister living there so I had an excuse to go. And and so we started seeing each other.

And there was I can remember one time my boss did say though that, you know what? I've heard that Charlie may have a drinking problem. Well, now that's another thing. I never drank. You know, I never my folks never had alcohol in the home.

One time they had a New Year's Eve party and they had some mixed drinks. I think I remember tasting one there too. It's called salty dog. And I love grapefruit juice and so what little drinking I did, when I was in high school back in Oklahoma. It's dry state anyway.

You weren't supposed to be drinking so anybody can get it. And we'd go out after football games, you know, and and I like that little cherry in the bottom of a glass. I thought that was kinda good, you know, but I didn't like the alcohol. And once in a while, in my first marriage, if we'd have enough money, say, we would go out because I loved to dance. I love still love to dance.

I just can't dance as long, but I loved to dance. And, so we would go out and, there would be mixed drinks then, you know, but I didn't like for anybody to get drunk. I don't mind anybody drinking, but when they get drunk, they couldn't dance. You know, they fall on the floor or they get in a fight or, you know, so drunks were not fun. But if you know drinking, I have nothing against drinking.

It's just that I didn't like to drink. I if I would take a drink and pretty soon I my my nits get lump or and I began to get a little sleepy, you know, and I'm gonna miss out on everything. And besides, you might lose control. And I could feel that, you know. I didn't like that feeling of losing control.

So I never really particularly liked the effects of alcohol. Now I could sip real slow and make it last, you know, if it just kinda in fact, I like the mixer. I love a margarita mixer. Just don't put any other crap in there. It ruins the taste.

Now I just you know, I I I never really particularly liked the the taste, taste of alcohol plus I certainly didn't want the effect. And so, in fact, since Charlie had gotten sober, we'd talk about that, you know, I'd say, you know, how could you stand to treat that stuff? You know, I said it just makes me lose control and he says, Barbara, when I take a drink, it makes me feel in control. Oh, man. If it made me feel that way, I'd be drinking today.

But it just didn't do that for me. So I just didn't care about this, alcohol. So when they told me about Charlie having a problem with alcohol, well, I saw him drink but he was drunk. Of course, what was it, they were talking one of the speakers saying something about maybe I never saw him sober. But, he always had this bottle with him.

Where we'd go, he always had this bottle in the glove box called peppermint schnapps. Like I say, I didn't know what schnapps was. Why would I know? But he said it was a mouth freshener and his breath always smelled good. And so we kept dating and one time I did taste it.

Finally I thought I gotta see what that is, you know, I just gotta I was curious. So I took it and said, oh my god it It was terrible. I said, Charlie, how can you stand that stuff? And he said, you know, that's one of the things I like about you, Barbara, that you've never said anything about my drinking. Oh, hey.

Now if I wanna catch this guy, I better not ever mention that again and after we get married we could straighten that out. After he has me, he won't need to drink. You know, I'll fill all his needs. I'll do I'll be the perfect wife. So finally, we were getting pretty serious and Charlie, he loved these children.

He was really, in fact, he's he's just a a all the children love him. He's just that got that personality. He has the patience. And in fact, I used to get so tickled we would after we first after we got married, we would, well, I'm gonna head in my story here. But anyway, so he loved these children.

He really you know, I could tell he was gonna be a good father to the children and they really liked him. You know, they just there was just something there that they they really they felt really comfortable with Charlie. And he said, you know, in fact, after we got engaged, he said, why don't, you just go ahead and quit your job and move to Tulsa and I'll get you an apartment there and you can stay there and then we'll get married. And I've got some land over here on the Arkansas, Oklahoma line. All of his relatives were from that area, and he always wanted to retire back there some days.

I'll build us a a home there on this on this on this farm and I've got a friend that has a lumber yard there in Arkansas. I can make a living for us and and the family and the children, and we'll just move there. And I wouldn't have to drink so much either. So I moved to Tulsa and we would commute. That's when we got married and we commuted every weekend to Maysville from Tulsa which is about oh, about close to a 2 hour drive with these 3 children.

And one moment, we've been married about 2 months and I got pregnant. Charlie always wanted some children of his own and, of course, whatever he wanted. I would've given that man whatever he wanted. I lived in a tent. That's where he said he wanted to take me.

I was so crazy about him. And so we, I was pregnant. So we get in his car every weekend with these 3 children, a pregnant wife and had a little dog and his mother. He'd moved her there too. And we would commute every weekend, go to Maysville and Charlie's drinking.

In fact, one time I said, I didn't know that I thought it was against the law to drink and drive. And he said, oh, it's alright to drink beer. Well, now why would I argue with Charles? He knows everything. You know?

So I didn't argue, you know. It's just that you have to stop and, you know, stop and get beer and stop and relieve the beer. But, anyway, we'd make this trip back and forth and I'd be yelling at the kids and Charlie would get on to him. Quit yelling at the kids. I said, Charlie, make you yell.

That's a cuss every once in a while. Well, I know now why he, you know, he had patience with him. He was kinda if I'd been drinking some beer, I probably wouldn't have paid any attention to him either. But so anyway, we would, every weekend, we'd commute and he would go to Arkansas at this lumber yard and get his lumber and send me to Missouri state line to get his case of beer, and he'd hammer and saw and drink and build his home. I said most people would measure their home by board feet.

I would measure this one by cases of beer, 6 packs. So we finally he wanted to get that house done and moved into before his baby was born, this baby we were gonna have. So we finally got moved in and then we had this little baby girl and now everything's gonna be wonderful. You know, he's got the baby. He's always wanted.

We are in our home. He won't have to drink so much. So we get down on this farm and, we built we live in the chicken industry there, so he built some chicken houses. Now, Charlie is a real workaholic also. You know, he doesn't do just a little bit of anything.

So he built he already had a bunch of cattle. He had land leased there and somebody taking care of it. He would always all this time he's living in Tulsa. So we had all these cattle and one time he was taking me around showing me the the cows and I said, well, how many cows do you have, Charlie? And he said, well, I've got 200 cows and 45 heifers and and he started breaking them all down to all these things and so many calves and bull.

I said, Charlie, just how many of those things go move? You know? But, so we already had all these these these cattle this this cattle. It's supposed to take cattle if it's a whole bunch of different Cows are just mama's that's had babies. Now if they haven't had a baby yet, she's a heifer.

I know that part. So in fact, they used to have a heifer, that, was kinda ornery. She never did breed and she would always get out over the fence and the bulls would follow her. And then when the bulls went with her because, you know, they wanted what she had because she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant either. And so all the cows would get out too and he kept saying, she keeps jumping over that fence and getting out like I wanna get rid of her.

And, you know, sure enough, he did. He called this guy that that shoots him and takes him off to the butcher and we got we butchered that heifer. Now when Charlie tells me to stay home, you know, I don't jump over any fences. I don't get out of the yard. So here we are on this farm and and he decided now we've got all these cattle.

We got on the land the least and plus our own land and then, it's a poultry country in there. So we built all these poultry houses. We were raising 50,000 chickens. And then he got into the hog business because it was a good place to get rid of some of the your chickens die where you can take them down and feed them to hogs because they don't see anything. And so he got a couple of them to eat just the dead chickens and he ended up with, I guess, they don't do just a little bit.

So we I ended up with all these hogs. I never did ask him how many of those we had. But anyway, we had all these hogs. And so here's all this stuff going on. We got 4 kids and Charlie goes off to get a pack of cigarettes and he doesn't come home, you know, till the next day.

And I would be so furious. Of course, you know, when you're married to a sex maniac, you know what he's doing and so I wanted to know who she was and so I would try to find him. You know, I'd try to take out I never could find him. He'd get away from me. So I started keeping track of the mileage on our vehicles.

We had 2 cars and 2 pickups. And my calendar's full of these mileage. Now when he gets back, I'll run out there and get the mileage and I'll know if somebody lives 8 miles, you know. I know that's I'll find out who lives there. Well, I didn't know that many people in the community and I just knew 2 or 3 women, some couples that Charlie introduced me to when we moved down there.

So I knew I'd be one of those women. And what I would do if we wouldn't be home by 11 o'clock, I'd call these ladies. Well, you know, if they answer, what do you say? Oh, you're with my husband. You know?

You know, they might think there's something wrong with me. So I'd have to come up with some stupid thing like, a recipe for chocolate cake or, you know, you always think, you think alcoholics have to come up with different excuses for the behavior. You should have seen some of the excuses. I was trying to find out to cover myself. And I'll never forget, one time I was trying to chase him down.

I got behind him and I'm he's going down that road and I'm right behind him and we're going up and down these these roads, zoom, zoom, zoom and the dust is flying and people will be standing out in the yard looking like, what in the world, you know. And I finally decided it was getting I was running about to run out of gas so I'd better head home. So I headed home and and it was about midnight and and in our area, women shouldn't be out at midnight back in those days, you know. And I thought, how would I how would I explain this? I was always thinking, how am I gonna explain my behavior?

So I did run out of gas just before I got home. I was sitting down on the side of the highway and I'm thinking, oh my god. You know, there wasn't any place to even walk. There's not that much many people around there or places to get to the phone. How am I gonna get home?

I've got left those 4 children at home and I'm just so worried. Pretty soon I'll see a car coming. Well, then I'm like, what if somebody's gonna rape me? I've never even done propositioned much less rape, but, you know, you that runs through your head. And so I'm thinking about all this stuff and and here's this car stopped behind me and it's Charlie.

And I told him, I'm walking up to the car, what's the matter? I'm going out and running out of gas so he siphoned just enough to get me home. He said, you get your little rear home. And I told God then, you know, I was always saying, if God could just get me home this time, I'll never chase him again. Famous last words, of course.

And so I did get home and and so we like I say, these crazy things just keep happening. And the kids, they were we were always hunting bottles. He was hiding them out all over the farm and I'd get my binoculars out so I could see where he's gonna hide them, you know. The kids would be standing there saying, mother, I wanna remember some of her kids just sound busy. Yeah.

Yeah. You gotta watch. And I could see where he put one in that tree trunk and that's when he would get away. When he go down across the creek. We had this creek that ran through our place and he'd go across the creek down to where the hogs were.

And that's when he'd get away from me. So I'm watching. I gotta see who which way he's going. So I don't know which way to chase him. And so here I'm watching, you know, I can see that he's got a bottle in that tree trunk and he, you know, and sure enough, he'd get back in there and disappear on me.

The kids, they'd go out and find these bottles everywhere, you know. They'd come running. Our kids didn't hunt any strays. They just hunt a bottle. So it's very lively, you know.

And most down and on, we love confusion and and stress and all this. I think we thrive on it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have stayed there. In fact, when I heard that I went to a meeting after being out on my home. This guy came was an AA member, came and talked to our and he said, you know, the normal person when they get married and if their husband goes off after about the second or third night they're married and stays out all night and doesn't come home, she decides, you know, I don't think I wanna live this way.

And she packs her bags and leaves, but not peep not your melanin, you know. Or I'm sure it was something I did wrong if I hadn't done this, you know, if I had just said this or not said this or if I've done this different. You know, it's something I can do to fix this. And so, you know, we just keep on trying. You know, I don't wanna give up.

So, anyway, these crazy things are happening and and I'm always doing these things thinking, how am I gonna explain my behavior? One time I thought I'm gonna leave before he doesn't make him wonder where I am all night. So I get in the car before he left that evening and I go down the road and I park up there on this side of the road and I sit there. And it was about 11:30, 12 o'clock at night and they have a lot of coon hunters in our area at night, you know, and they're going up and down the road and I'm sure they're looking over there saying, wasn't that Charlie Parmley's wife? And then somebody else said, well, yeah?

You know what he drinks. And I came in and Charlie was just passed out during probably had a lovely peaceful evening at home without anybody mouthing at him. So, you know, in fact, I had to tell him the next day what time I came home so he'd be sure to know, you know, how late I stayed out and make him really worried about me and jealous. It didn't bother him. Like I said, I've never had a man worry too much about me.

So we're just keep on doing these crazy things and my sister would come to visit me from, Tulsa, and one time she got some information from their central office there. Some information about AA and some information about Al Anon. Well, now I I'd heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, I've heard of alcoholism and I'd worked for the, state mental state hospital there in our area for a while and in the receiving department. So I had read about that's where alcoholics went back in that era in the fifties where there were insane asylums.

And so I knew that an alcoholic got to be somebody insane and but, you know, when I read this stuff about alcoholism on this literature, it talked more like it being an illness and I thought, well, you know, that sounds like Charlie's behavior. And so I read this piece about Al Anon. I had never heard of Al Anon. Back in fact, I started Al Anon in 68. So this was probably about 66, 67.

And I've never I've never heard of the word Al Anon. We just weren't that well known at that time. And so I read this piece of literature and it says to get off his back and, you know, it is an illness and and all this. I thought, you know, that that doesn't make sense. I never changed anything by backing off.

If I backed off, that's the same as condoning his behavior. And he just think it's okay to just keep on doing it worse. Not that he was getting any better by me interfering, but, you know, there's still this there's bound to be something I can do to fix this. You know, I never ever gave up on anything or if I finally did, I'd just get out. So I, I put it aside and I did have a contact with a group near us at that time at Siloam Springs, Arkansas and this lady I could contact and I said, I won't need that.

So I tried a few other things. In fact, I finally decided that, I I must about had enough. I'll just get a divorce and, you know, get get my get some of his before he drinks it all up. So I go to the bank and I take all the money out and put it in my name and go to the lawyer and tell them about a no good, masculine I'm married to and I want a divorce. So I came home from this divorce and from this lawyer and I told Charlie what I'd done.

And, you know, he promised me he'd quit drinking if I just put the money back in the bank and drop the divorce. And that's all I wanted to hear, you know. So I called and I'm too embarrassed to go back to this lawyer and tell him I'm gonna continue to live with this guy that I told him how bad he was. You know, they might think there's something wrong with me. So I just called him on the phone and tell him I think we're gonna work it out and, drop the divorce.

So, you know, I found something that works. About 6 months later, Charlie got drunk again. Hey. It worked once. I'll try it again.

But this time, I go to another lawyer, you know, because I don't that'd be embarrassing to go back to the same lawyer again after doing this. So I go through the same action to another lawyer and I come home. Charlie said the magic words. I'll quit drinking and he does. And so, he stays over for a while and so finally things were just not, you know, he started drinking again and it just wasn't getting very good at all and I could see that, you know, I began to do crazier things than he was drinking.

And so I knew I was gonna have to do something about this situation. So I thought, well, maybe I'll try this Allen on. Just see what it is. You know? Maybe they'll they'll probably tell me something I can do that I haven't thought of.

So I I, go to that day and had my neighbor girl take me over there and I met this lady. And she comes walking out smiling and and she says, I understand how you feel. No one had ever said that. My folks complained about Charlie. They said, well, you know, it's not that bad.

They were probably afraid I was gonna come home with 4 kids. But the but Charlie was alright. You know, now that I look back, I'm sure someone had been taking a movie of our home at that time. They could see this crazy woman screaming and yelling and carrying on and the drunk comes in, you know, he just says, hi, everybody, and passes out. He's not bothering anybody and mother's the one that's crazy and I hear all these allotines talking.

I know, you know, they say they're more affected by the non drinkers' actions than than the alcoholics because they understand what's wrong with the guy the the person that's drinking. So when she said, I understand, I thought, oh my god. Somebody finally understands. She says, I know the loneliness and despair that you feel. So she told me about a meeting on a Friday night that they had there at Siloam and now she'd come.

And then she they gave me a contact of another lady that worked at a poultry company in another town near near Siloam. So I will go back to that town and I met this lady and she was just bouncy and coming out and smiling out. Man, she couldn't be married to somebody like I'm married to and looked that happy. And in fact, she's my still my she's my sponsor today and has been all these years. And so, she said, now why don't you drive from Maysville and meet me here at this town and then you can ride you can ride to the meeting with my husband and I.

So I go home and thinking, thank goodness, you know, now I'm gonna go to this meeting. So, I, Tony and I I had a little discussion between Monday when I went to Filomen and this Friday meeting, and this time, I had it. I thought and I remember reading in that piece of literature, if you make a decision, stick to it. So this time, I'm filing a divorce and I'm following through with it. I don't have to live this way if I don't want to.

So then I go to the 3rd lawyer and thank goodness this is the last one because there's only 3 in this little town near us. I go to this 3rd lawyer and it was getting expensive. I was spending more on lawyers than Charlie was on booze. So I file for this divorce, go through this proceeding. I come home and I tell Charlie, and this time he can't talk me out of it.

So he had to move out. And so Wanda, this is my friend my sponsor today, this friend, she calls me on Friday about the meeting that night and I said, I don't need to go to Al Anon. I've gotten rid of my problem. You know, I filed for this divorce and Charlie has moved out. She said, no.

I'm an apartment. You know, just because you're not living with the alcoholic doesn't mean you're not carrying the scars of living with an alcoholic. They suggest that you still go to Al Anon. Well, she just kept on and on and she was so adamant about getting me to that meeting when I didn't like to say I didn't know what Al Anon was. I thought maybe maybe it's a drive or something.

You know, like like at Sunday school when you bring a new member, you get a star by your name or something. Or like a a Tupperware party, you bring so many people, you get a little gift or I didn't know what it was. It's just because she was so adamant about this meeting. And so I thought, well, she is such a nice lady. Maybe I should go.

So I go ahead and go and drive to Decatur, this little town and meet her and I and all the way to the meeting, I'm asking her husband all these questions about about Charlie. And I said, you know, what I can't understand is why he goes out and stays out all night and doesn't come home till the next day. You know, who's he with? What's he doing? And so he said, well, you know, a lot of times I'll go out.

I get my bottle. I go out. I just want a drink. Well, I can see now that's the only place they're gonna get pieces to get out and away from home. But I go out and I get drunk.

I pass out, and and I don't know where I am. I wake up. I don't know where I am so I have to wait until daylight before I can find my way home. Well, the way our roads are around there, that's about the truth. In fact, a lot of our roads just drive through the creeks, you know.

You don't drive wherever the road if the creek's there, you just wait till the creek goes down and you try to use it during the dry season. So, anyway, I thought, well, you know, that could be what that could be what's happening to Charlie. You know, I wanted to believe that too because he was a good person. You know, he still was taking care of us financially. Of course, I didn't know how long it was gonna last but, you know, he was he was a wonderful father.

So anyway, we, I go on and I present him all these things and I get to the meeting and and the customary thing there is when they have a new member, they go around the table on each one, tell a little bit about what what Al Anon is and what it means to them. And there were about 8 or 9 ladies and there weren't any gentlemen in at that time. And, they all looked so nice and so happy. Oh, man. They couldn't be living with to what I've been living with.

And you know, some of those ladies when they started talking, some of them were living in a lot worse situation than mine and and some of them, of course, weren't as bad. But then this one gal, she explained to me the illness of alcoholism, about it being a physical allergy to alcohol. And once they take that first drink, it triggers that allergy and then they can't stop. Plus the fact that their mind becomes addicted and so when they think about this, you know, if they're having a bad day or whatever, they think about it and then once they they know that that alcohol is gonna be the answer to this feeling that they have so they take the drink and then the physical part and they can't stop that. And I'm like, Oh, that could be right.

You know, that that made sense. So I thought maybe maybe I should try a little harder, you know. And so I said, well, you know, I just filed for this divorce. So should I drop the divorce or what should I do? And they said, well, now we don't give advice, but we just, suggest that you, not make any major decisions till you've come to Al Anon, at least 6 or 7, 8 meetings, you know, till you kinda get your you know, know what you really wanna do.

So, going I went on home and I called Charlie and, told him, I said, I think I know what our problem might be if you'd like to come home. And so he did. Of course, naturally, he wanted to come home with the children. I don't think he was too crazy about Paulie being around me. I said he never begged me to stay.

I think he just didn't wanna lose his farm and and the children. But, so he came home, and I continued to go to meetings. Now if your husband's wanting a drink and you're to meetings, that didn't fit too well with Charlie. You know, first of all, he was a little jealous. Wondering what I'm doing.

I'm going leaving and coming home smiling. And besides that, you know, we never said the word alcoholic. You know? Now he might be a drunk, but you don't call him an alcoholic. And he said, you know, you're gonna leave me and people are gonna think I'm an alcoholic or something.