The 4th North California World Service Area Conference

My name is Dawn, and I'm a grateful member of Al Anon. I'm checking my watch. I hope I remember what time I start. So if my kids were in the audience, they would start going like this. I wanna thank Marilyn for asking me to come here and share the good news of recovery.

I wanna thank thank, Art and Sarah for being so kind to me this weekend. I really appreciate that. I wanna thank all of you for being friendly and letting me know that this is a family, and that's what it is. This is the family I always wanted, and I found it in these rooms. And so I don't come here like I'm talking to strangers.

I come here like we really do know one another, and that's the good news. Some of the people in the program know my they know me better than my own family knows me. Not better than my children or my husband because they've lived with me. I say that with when I say that sometimes, they say, yeah. We've lived with her.

But they've seen the good part and they've seen the sick part, and I'm so grateful that there have been more years of my healthy beginnings than than the old days. I really am an old timer in the program. I'm an old timer. It used to be when I'd go to meetings, my husband and I would be the youngest ones there, you know, and how the years do change. How the years do change, you know.

It's interesting to see people have now begun to help Peter and I to our chairs. It kinda look like they're they're we like them here, but they're really you know, things are missing up here now, you know. And they they probably are because of my memory. It's about this short, you know. But that's okay.

That's okay. I remember when I one of the reasons one of my sponsors asked me the other day, how do you become a speaker in a program? And I said, well, you have to reach the age where you forget everything. And then, you know, they ask you to become a speaker so that you'll never forget your story. And you therefore, you won't you won't go away.

You will keep coming back. You know, you just cannot go away. And the more I hear my story, the more I realize that I need these programs as much I need this program as much today as I needed it 38 years ago when I walked in the door. I think I need it more now. I I go to at least 4 or 5 meetings a week, when I'm in town, when I'm not going to be away on the weekend.

And and I need those meetings. I had an experience not long ago, which I really enjoyed. I've been away on weekends for about 6 or 7 weekends in a row. And I was, went to my home group, which happens to be a Saturday meeting. So I have to do other meetings during the week when I'm going or traveling or something.

So I got to this meeting and this young woman came up to me and she said, are you new? And I said, no. I I've been coming for some time. And she said, you have? She said, well, I've just been here for weeks.

And she said, I just came up to welcome you. She said, how long have you been here? And I said, 38 years. And she said, you really were sick. I couldn't argue with her on that one.

I'm grateful to be here. You know, I used to like to start my story when I made the when I met the alcoholic and it certainly didn't make me look good. I like that. I, you know, I can say I was this wonderful, you know. And then I met this alcoholic and it was downhill all the way, you know.

And I really like that, but it wasn't the truth. I went to, I had to take our youngest child to a psychiatrist some, oh, gee. I guess it was some 20 something years ago and, he was having a hard time getting his life together. He was really just, just so troubled. And the psychiatrist wanted to talk to my husband and myself and she said, I wanna know, I'm talking to my husband, what kind of parenting did you receive on a scale of 1 to 10?

And my husband said, I received about a 0 or a 1. And she looked at me and she said, what kind of parenting did you receive on a scale of 1 to 10? And I said, I received a 8 or a 9. And she said, no way in the world would someone who received a 8 or 9 marry someone who received a 0 or a 1. Well, that certainly burst my balloon, you know.

I mean, I had this I've always had this ideal thing of my family and his family. Yeah. My family looked good. We've always looked good. We looked my father, in the beginning let me start my story.

I, grew up in a parsonage. I was born in Flint, Michigan, and and, we moved to Detroit when I was a year old. And my father had this church that had about 300 members when he got there. And by the time he left, there was something like 5 or 6000 members. My father was an eloquent preacher.

Eloquent preacher. I would sit at the feet of my father anytime to listen to him preach unless he was preaching at me. That was different. To hearing him preach was just a magnificent thing. You know, he just was so gifted.

And into this this family, we had my mother had 8 children. When you're in the Methodist church, you can't play cards. You can't dance. And so my mother and father had 8 babies, you know, and they're like, my father would build a church and my mother would have a baby. You know, it's like that.

So by the time I came along, they decided to buy the next church. So I was the last of these 8 children. My mother lost 3 children along the way, and I don't know what that was like for her. You know? I mean, I know it was a very painful time in her life, but she never talked about it much.

And what she did was kinda stay a little distance from us. She used to say, I never liked children anyway. You know, it was just something that happened. You know? And so she wasn't what you call, like, the baking mama.

You know, she did a lot of nice stuff with us, but she didn't really like kids. I mean, she was when you have 5 children in the house at a given time and we have our friends in the house, like, she would have had enough of children. And then they had to work at the church with the other children in the church. And it was always something going on. And our house was unusual.

We were just we were noisy, exuberant children. You know? People used to say at the church, they're just bad children. And I never went along with that. My mother didn't go along with that.

She said we were just, you know, we were just interesting children. We, you know, always had a different way of doing something, you know. And we used to do things like on Sunday morning before my father would preach these eloquent sermons, the janitor of the church, which I've always felt was extremely stupid, would go down to make a call to his wife on a Sunday morning, every Sunday, in the same telephone booth. And every Sunday, we would turn the booth to the wall so he couldn't get out. I mean, didn't he know we were there?

We would we would take eggs to church on Sunday that we would we would decorate them like Easter eggs except we wouldn't borrow them. Them. And we'd give them to the people who were meanest to us. You know what I mean? We said, we bought you a present this morning, missus Hamilton, and she would take the present and hold it up, and the thing would just go down in front of her.

And she'd be so angry. And my mother would say, they're just mischievous. They don't mean any harm. You know, they just don't. What was we were not disciplined.

We were not disciplined as children. Other kids I can remember having to go in the house and do their homework and stuff like that. I just feel so sorry for them. You know, I slept with the books under my pillow. I mean, that was my way of studying.

And these other kids I mean, I just couldn't understand why they had to go in the house when we just ran around, you know, we were on our porch. We couldn't go a long distance, but we could be up as late as we wanted to be. That's just the way it was. By the time I came along, I think my mother was just exhausted. She was just exhausted, and I never learned how to do anything.

I remember my brothers and sisters had chores, and they paid me not to do chores because I did them so badly. And I did them so badly on purpose because how's just what you call a free spirit out here? Now I also was a very troubled child because since my mother had all these children, her father had come to live with her and he took care of me. And my grandfather sexually abused me as I was a little girl, and I grew up feeling different and dirty. I remember on a Sunday morning, I would rush down the aisle every Sunday morning and join church.

Every Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning, I would be there with tears running down my eyes asking God to clean me up. You know? And little children aren't dirty. But that's how I felt about me.

Then I had these wonderful brothers who were pastored a church in Sacramento. He died, of the disease of our family. Our family are all compulsive eaters, and, his bowels have just burst from eating so much. You know? And we came out here to bury him.

But in his youth, he was such a dynamic young man. And he was so full of I just loved him. He wanted to be an actor, but you can't be an actor if you're born in a parsonage, you know. So he was the next best thing he was gonna be a minister. Great place.

And I used to love to hear him preach. My mother used to say that my brother needed people in the pews to have dictionaries instead of the Bible because my brother used these long words, and I was so impressed by him. He used to say to me too, Dawn, you can't ever ride in the car with me unless you ride in the back seat because you look so bad. I don't want anybody to ever think you're my girlfriend. You know?

But I didn't mind. I didn't mind because I was with my brother. Then I had this other brother who I thought was wonderful. He wanted to be a jazz player, but you can't be jazz player if you're born in in in the parsonage. And so he would play these beautiful hymns and we would all stand around the piano.

What a wonderful fam. And we'd sing these great hymns of the church and we'd sound just like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And my dad would leave and then we break into the blues, you know. And we sing jazz and we'd really get down and dad would come back and we'd switch right back to those, you know. And my dad said, what devout children they are, you know.

We were it was just a crazy house. It really my oldest sister who was my role model, she was oh, I just always thought my oldest sister was just so beautiful. The thing about her was she was thin, and And I thought anybody who was thin was beautiful. You know? So she was I watched everything she did.

The problem was she was schizophrenic, but they didn't have a name for it. You know what I mean? We didn't know that she was schizophrenic. We didn't take her to any doctors at that point. And she used to do strange things like you never knew which voice was talking to her, you know.

It's like and sometimes, I remember the night before she got married, but she was brilliant. She was really brilliant. She was always the star of this play or or she was it was just magnificent to watch. She sang like an angel. It was just wonderful.

But I remember the night she was gonna get married. A boyfriend came to the house, house, her fiance. And she took all the luggage and just threw it down on his head. And I said to myself, I was this little kid, I said, isn't that romantic? You know?

That's how you treat men. This is so romantic. I just love my sister. Then I had this other sister who did nothing but watch us. We used to call her the gestapo with bloomers because she was so mean.

She was just mean. Well, I would be mean too if she ever watched these kids because these kids were not what you call nice kids to watch. You know? I mean, we skated on the dining room table. I mean, that's just that's just not what you do.

You know? I just I just love my family though. I love them because my husband used to say that when he first met all of us, it was like everybody talked at the same time. We're just you know? But nobody cared because we just all talked at the same time.

And and we understood I mean, every once in a while, we would pause because we had to eat. We all ate all the time too. You know, in some families, you know, where there's alcoholism and and and that disease, in my family, there was compulsive eating. We ate from the time we got up till the time we went to bed. You know what I mean?

That was just my father used to say no matter what was going on, sometimes he'd come home in the middle of the day and say, mother, we're changing the menu. We're gonna have Thanksgiving dinner today. And it would be like in July. We'd be so happy because we'd go through the whole thing. We'd have Thanksgiving dinner.

You know what I mean? It was just great. I loved it. At church, we have these great services. And when the people would feel the spirit, they'd be high on the spirit of god.

And what they would do is go down to the church basement and stuff themselves. I was right there with them. I was this great big fat obese chap happily stuffing myself on a daily basis. But I also did that because food stopped the pain. Food worked for me like a drug.

If you fill me up, no. All these empty holes in me. All these places where I hurt would stop hurting. I just roll around with a stomachache. You know?

It didn't make much difference. You know? It's low self esteem. Always had this low self esteem. Always felt nobody was really looking out for me.

Poor me. I loved that play yesterday. I loved that play yesterday. But they had to hold up the sign and say, poor me. That was my nickname.

Poor me. You know? And I guess I've I've always been dramatic anyway. So when I suffer, I've never suffered alone. I I always believed taking a crowd with me.

Love that play. When the woman had on the black I used to wear a black. It was, it was like a tiff dress. It went out like this. So you could see that I really felt pain.

Not just a little bit of pain. I felt pain. You know? Of pain. Just dramatic in all ways.

My mother used to say sometimes, she's, stop the hysterics. All I hear from her is drama, drama, drama. Couldn't help it. That's who I was. I went from one extreme to the other.

I was noisy or I couldn't say anything. I was in a group of people I didn't know. I was real quiet. Never liked to go to parties because we went to parties. I'd have to somehow or other do something, and I was too scared to do something.

I lived in my own little head, my world. Grew up on movies, so it was always these little daydreams of mine that were gonna work out. I always imagined who was gonna be the one who's gonna come and rescue me. I was looking for the rescuer. I never did find that rescue.

The rescuer came in the form of 12 steps. Thank god. But I remember just it was just a fascinating place to be. I remember that I discovered I could sing. And this was gonna be my way of letting my parents know that I was there.

Well, everybody could sing in my family, so this was no big deal. You know? But I started singing at churches and people kinda just telling me how wonderful I was. And I was. I was really good.

Now my kids would kinda question that a little bit. They'd say she was average. I'd say I was good. Believe me, I'm the speaker. In their way back there in Chicago or Detroit, wherever they are.

I remember getting all the solos and I was so happy. This man who was a choir director, first time anybody ever paid attention to me, you know. And if you're a big fat kid like I was, you want somebody to pay attention to, you. You know? I always wanted somebody.

I remember one time a boy came to the house and, I remember I thought he had come to see me and and he asked for me and my dad said I don't like his looks. He can't come here. Because we were not allowed to date until we were 18. And, my brother said, who cares what he looks like? He's coming to see Dawn, You know?

Let him in. You know? But I was so anxious for somebody to pay attention to me, and this choir director paid attention to me. And it just made me feel like I was okay. Always looking for something on the outside to make me feel like I'm okay.

You know? Never the turmoil inside. Just make me look good on the outside. And that's what I looked like. He I thought I was okay because somebody paid attention to me.

And I remember, I got a ride home with him from church one choir rehearsal night, and this man took advantage of me. And I was so frightened. I remember going in the house, and I wanted to tell my mother that you don't talk about those things in our churches, and you don't talk about those things. By this time, my father had become a bishop in the Methodist church, and we don't talk about stuff like that in our house. I remember we went to Europe that summer, and I just kept getting bigger and bigger.

But nobody paid any attention to me because I was always big. You know? And I remember we came, when we came home from Europe that summer, I I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know who to tell. And so I just kept my secret, and I remember 9 months from the time we came back home. And I went to women's hospital in Detroit, Michigan and stood at the admissions desk, and I said, I'm in trouble.

I've been in labor for 2 days, and I don't know what to do. I don't have a doctor. I've never seen a doctor. And this man was standing next to me, and he said, I don't know who she is, but she's my patient. And I delivered a £10, 4 ounce baby boy, and he was beautiful.

He had all his little toes. And he was just a wonderful baby. And I was so grateful. I was so grateful because I was gonna be a mother to this child. I was gonna give this child all the attention I thought I had missed.

You know? And my mother and father, I just can't imagine today what it must have been like for them to call my mother and father and say, well, by the way, you know, your daughter's at the hospital. She just given birth to a child. But my mother and father came to the hospital, and they just stood there. Dad said, we won't talk about it.

We'll just put this behind you, and we just we just move on. And I remember we got in the car going home from the hospital, and I had this baby in my arms. And, we stopped at a stoplight, and someone opened the door of the car and took the baby out of my arms, and they closed the door of the car, and we drove home. My dad said, you have embarrassed me. My dad said, I'm a bishop of the church.

I've lived an exemplary life before you. My dad said, for you to get for me to get myself together, go back to school, make something of myself. And I remember screaming and crying, and I remember going from church to church looking to see if I saw a baby with hair grew just like my baby. I looked and looked for that child. And then one day, maybe a year later, I don't know what the time schedule was, then one day I woke up and I said, you know, the only thing wrong with me is I'm fat, always looking at the outside.

And I said, if I can take care of the outside of me, everything will be alright. I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna lose weight, and then I'm gonna find a husband. Sounds like that would work. You know?

And so I went to this diet doctor. Diet doctor had his office over a junk shop. I remember the cab driver said, young lady, I wouldn't take my dog to that doctor. And I said, neither would I. I'm going.

You know? So I went to this diet doctor, and he gave me shots and pills. And I was a total maniac, you know, just just crazy, but I lost weight. I mean, a year from that time, I walked out on my front porch. And I didn't look good.

I mean, I looked I was a fox. I'm telling you. I was looking good. I was looking great that summer. I I was really look now I knew this wasn't gonna last long because food was looming over here calling my name saying, Don, I want you back.

You know? But nevertheless, for the moment, I was starring. I mean, my brother said, you can ride in the front seat. And, you know, I was looking good. Yeah.

I I remember this young man came to my house and, pastored a church in Pontiac, Michigan, and he said, I have fallen in love with you. Truthfully, you've fallen in love with the outside. And he didn't know anything about this crazy door on the inside. He said, I've fallen in love with you and will you marry me? And I said, yeah.

Then there was this other young man who he was working for the government. He was a fine young man, you know, and he he came up to me and he said, Don, will you marry me? And and I said, yes. Then there was this young young man who'd just come home from the service, and he was kinda spacey. I mean, like, he talked.

He, I remember he he didn't have a job, which I thought was very unique. I thought that was very interesting. You know? But he was on the verge of getting a job. And And he had his mustering out paid paid from the service.

And and he took me places I had never been in my life. He took me to places like bars. And we'd get to the bar and and, people would open the doors of the bar and they all knew his name. I thought that was really interesting. I mean, they knew his name.

And some of them called him doctor Crawford, and some of them called him, this is mister Crawford who's an attorney. And some people said and this is mister Crawford who's, you know, always a nuclear physicist. This is mister Crawford, you know, who's an architect. I said, this guy is something. He is really unique.

You know? He he said to me, Don, there's something I gotta tell you about myself. And I said, what is it, Peter? And he said, this is something really he said, I'm an alcoholic. I said, isn't that romantic?

You know? All your great thinkers are alcoholics. All the people that you you know, the interesting people in the world, isn't this something who do you think I married? Why am I standing before this podium? Why have I been in this program 38 years?

Why do I keep coming back? We eloped. Now I'd like to say that we eloped because, it was just such a romantic thing to do. The truth of the matter is we eloped because no way in the world no way in the world could I have walked down that aisle in a white dress. Because I knew people would be pointing their finger at me and say, you know, she really is damaged material.

You know, she really she had a child out of wedlock. You know that she also was sexually abused by her grandfather. She really shouldn't be walking down that aisle, and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. Another reason was that my mother died the year before with cancer, and I remember my father saying to me, Dawn, I will never marry again. I have loved your mother, and I will never marry again.

I thought that was so what a deep, deep sense of love he had for my mother. You know, it's just a beautiful sit so well with me and I didn't want this lady helping out on Didn't set so well with me and I didn't want this lady helping out on anything that had to do with with with me. I remember going she lived in Chicago and I remember flying to Chicago and saying to her, you know, my dad is an old man and and you're an old woman and you don't need this and you really marry my dad to get his money. Now, when I think about it then, she was probably around 50, and my dad was about couldn't have been over 54. What does that mean about me today?

But I just assumed. I mean, they were I told my dad, you're through with it. You're over I mean, you're over the hill. Why are you doing this to us? I'm doing this to us.

He was marrying her. He suffered. I didn't even marry her. You know? I was gonna I said, oh my god.

Why are you doing this to us? And my dad, who always had a quaint way with words, said, listen. You're the only one who hurts your mother. Nothing I do nothing I do is as bad as what you did. You broke her heart.

So what could I say with that? What could I say? You know? What could I say? So we eloped and we had this this wonderful never forget.

I've been on this diet forever. And, Peter had been not drinking because being an alcoholic and drinking, he didn't want me to know what an alcoholic really was. So he would have, like, a drink when he went out and then he'd take me home. I don't know what he did after he took me home. But this night, I'll never forget, it was the most beautiful honeymoon night.

I think I just should write a book about it. We went to the old Harlem Hotel in Detroit, Michigan, and I bought a bag full of pastrami sandwiches. And he bought a bag full of cheap German beer. And he drank beer all night, and I ate those sandwiches. I was so happy.

I was so happy. I said the diet is over. Excuse me. Excuse me. Donna's back.

Peter said he left for work one day and this slim attractive woman was standing at the door. And he came home and here I was. You know, Chuckie's home. Here I am. You know?

The important thing was that I wanted him to love me, not the outside of me. I wanted him to love fat Dawn. That's who I was. I wanted him somebody had to love me. Now interestingly enough, I didn't love myself, but somebody had to love me, you know, at my worst.

I remember my kids said to me one time. She said, mama, you know, daddy must really love you. And I said, why do you say that, Alma? And she said, because every night, you dress up just like Halloween. I have these rollers in my hair, you know, so and said, you dress just like Halloween, and daddy still stays here.

Thank you for sharing. Into this home, we brought these 3 children. I I I I'm so grateful for those children, and I was I was an insane mother. They never knew who was gonna be home, whether it was Dawn who was eating and really happy, you know, and we could do anything. We could go and do all of a sudden.

Or if it was Dawn who was starving herself because she was on a diet, and then all hell broke loose, you know. They would kinda peek in the door to see which mama was home, and they just never knew. But never I didn't know either. I remember when upstate New York, one day, I got a call on the telephone. My husband, by this time, had really developed into a man of substance.

And and, no. He didn't get fat. He was really he always looked good. Always looked good. This drove me crazy.

Always looked handsome. And I was this obese woman, and I remember somebody called me on the phone one day and said, you have that handsome husband. What are you gonna do something about yourself? It just broke my heart, you know. I was so angry that I just went directly to the refrigerator and ate the rest of the morning.

I mean, you know, it's like, how could they say that to me? They didn't understand that I didn't wanna look like this. I didn't wanna look like this. I just didn't have any power over doing anything any different. You know, food loomed for me just like alcohol loomed for him.

And poor Peter went to AA. I I was glad he went to AA. He'd been out on one of his drunks where he had forgotten that he had a family, and I'd been home with no food in the house and, you know, self pity. And I could this is a great story, you know. He had left me at the hospital when the baby was born.

Forgot he left me there. Never did show up until about 5 day days later, I'd call my dad and ask him for money to get out of the hospital. I was so angry. You know, I just had this rage inside me. But I didn't talk about the rage.

I ate about it. You know what I mean? I just had this rage. It was all just stuffed down inside me, you know. And so, he called AA and they came within it seemed to me within 2 hours and took Peter to a meeting.

I'm so angry because I said, well, who's gonna come and do something for me? I've been in this house for 3 days, and there's no food in the house. I wanna know who's gonna come and do something for me. And Peter went to AA and and he began he began really becoming mister AA in the 1st 90 days. You know?

He was working the 1st and the 12th step. He was a real sensation. Real sensation. Now our home we were at home on the verge of divorcing. I mean, we were just crazy.

It was just awful. But nevertheless, he was mister AA. And I wanted to know what went on in those meetings. So I went to a few open meetings and the thing that really bothered me was AA women kept calling my house. You know, I was, oh, so furious.

They kept calling my house. And I was so afraid one of them was gonna take my husband. Then I was also afraid they were gonna leave me. You know, I know just which one would be the best. But, so I decided I had this friend whose husband also I'd like you to think I went because I thought something was wrong.

And I'd like I'd like you to think I went because I thought something was wrong with me. I was on the verge at this point of being martyred in the church. I was on the verge of being made a saint. Now nobody told me that. I just knew that.

You know what I mean? I could just tell it. The way I suffered, I mean, I would have been canonized. You know, it's just wonderful to see. You know?

So we decided we would go to the old Hannon y in Detroit, Michigan. And I remember sitting there for about we'd go maybe 3 meetings and then I had the whole program. I understood it from the beginning to the end and I was ready to start my own meeting. So I started my own meeting, my friend and I. She was so brilliant.

What her suggestion was that what we should do is that we should go to the meetings with our husband or she would drive us one way or the other. And one of us would lay on the back on the in the back seat of the car with a blanket over us and we could tell whether our husbands went home with other women or something, you know, because he would come home some late from these meetings. I thought that was the most brilliant idea I ever heard in my lab so I asked her to be my sponsor. Now Al Anon was new again. We didn't have we didn't have old timers.

You know? We had this one little blue book that we used to read, and I used to read that book diligently. And I'd I'd look at all the areas that Peter needed help and I'd underline all those areas and then I would figure how I could help him with his program. You know, I read a big book and I study all the places that I ought to just say out loud to him and help him grow so that he could become the kind of husband I deserved. Truthfully, he was the husband I deserved at that point in my life.

You know? I wouldn't have known how to deal with somebody who was sane because I was equally we were just we were soulmates together. Peter used to say that I can't live with you, but I can't live without you. You know, like and I felt the same way. I couldn't really live with him, but I didn't know what to do without him.

It was like, it was just insane. And these 3 children were brought into the house, you know? And I can remember some of our worst days were when my husband was in AA and I was in the beginning years of Illinois. You would hear my husband and I fighting one another, not physically, but verbally. Just so angry with one another.

And the kids would be in the closet hanging on to one another, wondering what was going to happen. I owe my kids so many a man's. You know? I spent these last years giving them unconditional love, unconditional love, because they saw the worst of the program in the beginning, used to take them to meetings with me, and my kids would hear me talk this wonderful talk in the meetings, and then I'd go home and be crazy again. You know?

They'd be in the mist. They'd watch me. I'd be yelling at their father, and their father would be yelling at me, and the phone would ring. And I'd pick it up and say, hello. Is there anything I can do to help you?

I sponsor people. And the people I sponsor got better while I got sicker. I mean, I was really what you call a loser. I think about that now and I think about people coming in these rooms and I want you to always remember, don't give up on people. We did well on our time schedule.

It's between me and my hard power. Just listen. You know? Now you don't have to say, will you lead a meeting? We know you're troubled.

You know? I mean, I don't think that's a good thing. I think we ought to have a topic. You know? We ought to deal with the steps.

But the proof of the matter is it's none of our business. This program is open to anybody. I don't care how sick they seem to me or to you. I kept coming back, and that's the miracle. That's the miracle for me of this program.

I was one of the slowest learners I've ever heard about in these rooms. But so what? I kept coming back, you know. And I'm here today because I kept coming back. I remember, maybe about oh, I guess it's been about 21 years ago, my kids and I were we were in upstate New York.

And, I remember my husband had gone to a party that night, and he was looking nice as usual. And I was between the green dress and the brown dress, which were stretch knits that I'd gotten from Spiegel catalog, you know. And I remember, not being able to get in those dresses, and I felt I would look in the mirror and I'd say, oh my god. You know? Look what you've become.

Look what you've become. I remember my sponsor said to me, Dawn, are you gonna ever work those steps in your life? And I said, I can't right now. I'm working them for Peter. I'm working them trying to make these kids feel what they're supposed to be.

And they had stopped wanting to shine for me. They had been my little, you know, like little puppets. Do a dance. Sing. Do this.

Do that. And they would do those things for me. And people would say, Oh, how brilliant your children are. How gifted your children are. And then they started saying, I don't wanna do that, mama.

I don't wanna entertain you anymore. I don't wanna entertain anybody. I just wanna be me. And my sponsor said, when are you gonna work those steps? And I said, I don't know.

My kids are in trouble. My my husband's in trouble. My husband is not paying any attention even to my insanity. We are a sick family, but we looked good. You know?

That's the danger. I used to call us the fig tree family. There's a fig tree story in the Bible about this fig tree that looks like it's in bloom and it looks like it has the figs on it and the master goes up to pick a fig and the tree is barren. That's how I was just barren. She said, when are you gonna work those steps?

And I said, but what about my kids? And she said, you know, when you're on the plane. And they say that if turbulence comes and if the oxygen mask falls out, put the oxygen mask on your face first and then put it on your children. Somebody you can help. And right now, the only person I see that needs help desperately is you.

And I understood that I was powerless. I couldn't fix anybody. I worked so hard, had all these plans, you know. All you have to say is, Dawn, I need you, and I'm right there to fix you, you know. She said, you can't do that anymore.

We're just gonna work on Dawn. And I realized that I was powerless. That there's nothing I can fix, not people, not places, not situations, not my compulsive eating, none of those things can I fix, but that there is one who has all power? And I find him now. You know?

And I got under new management. I got under new management and my life began to change. I began to tell my story not where I used to begin it. Like when I met the alcoholic, I went back and told my story, the history of who I was, where I came from, what it was like, and then I was willing to share it with another human being. This is who I am.

Let me tell you who I am. Let me tell you about my anger and my resentments and my fears and my self pity and my just being so locked into myself. Please let me tell you. And I told another human being. And the miracle was they didn't walk out on me.

They just loved me through the process. And I began to understand how this program worked. And I looked at those character defects and I said, Lord, I can't do anything about it. I just can't. I don't know how to change me.

I don't know how to stop being jealous of my husband. I was so jealous of that man. That man could stand and talk to somebody 80 years old, because that isn't so far from us now. But 80 years old. He's 79.

I'm 65. So, you know, I used to say 80 since that was old. But, but he could start talking to somebody and all at once, the the the jealousy would hit my feet and it would just come up. And there was nothing I could do about it. Just nothing.

I remember once we were at this party and Peter was entertaining his staff and it was just such a nice they were just wonderful people. And he had said to me the day before, he said, Dawn, you know, I hired a new secretary. And I said, well, you're not that nice. And, he said, yes. She's an older woman.

And I said, good, she's an older woman. I was very happy about that. So we were at this party and all these people were milling around, talking, and so forth. And here came this young woman in a miniskirt up to me and said, Missus Crawford, I'm your husband's new secretary. Well, I felt this rage hit my feet.

This anger hit my feet and my husband was coming over saying, she didn't look like that when I hired her. I don't know what happened overnight, you know. And he got me out of there. I mean, he got me out of there quick. And all the way home, I was telling him, I was arguing, I was so mad, I was accusing him of everything, and he stopped and he said, Don, do you think it might have something to do with your low self esteem?