ORC 2000 Program

Morning, Bob. I'm an alcoholic. Good morning. I wanna thank, Judy and Wes for inviting me up here to share with you good folks. I love Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'll go wherever I'm asked. If you can tolerate me, I can tolerate you. You hear that reverberation in that microphone? You know, pretty quick, I'm gonna think I'm talking to myself and we're all gonna be in trouble. Thank Ron for picking Noah and I up at the airport last night.

Came in early and we had a good dinner and Noah and I spent quite a bit of time up in Wes' room drinking Perrier. There's a good time. First liar, don't have a chance in alcohol. It's none. Did I mention I love AA yet?

I love how you guys do it here in Canada. I've, this place is overwhelming to me. I'm a I'm a dumpster diver, so this is pretty step up. I know I don't look like a dumpster diver, but what's one look like? I mean, well, I got store bought teeth in good clothes.

I mean, look like somebody's been missing his teeth, do I? I just stood up a lot when I should've shut up. Am I making a little a yet? If you're new in this room and this is your first convention of Alcoholics Anonymous, I personally wanna extend the welcome to you. And I also want you to know that I don't represent Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm just doing the best I can at being the best member of Alcoholics I can be. And please don't judge AA by my appearance or by what I say, you might cheat yourself and do yourself a terrible disservice if you don't like what I have to say or or perhaps if you don't understand my experience or identify. But if you do, welcome to AA. By the way, newcomer laughter's identification, I dare you not to laugh for the next hour or so. I love 8.

I mentioned it. If you're new in this room, I say that because that's probably the most important thing I had to share with you besides the fact I'm an alcoholic is that, I truly do love AA and, I learned that from the old timers in alcohols anonymous. I learned how to love AA by action, not by verbosity, not by what I have to say but about what I do. And when I say I love AA then I'm suggesting you that I do my very level best as a human being to respect and honor the 12 traditions of Outposts Anonymous. I try very, very hard to put the 12 concepts of world service into practical application and I try to do the 12 steps on a daily basis to the best of my ability and that's what I mean by when I say I love it.

When somebody asked me to come to Toronto, Canada to share my experience, I'm willing to give up my weekend at home and come spend it with you because I know my very life depends upon it. Right away this morning, Mildred, come walking up to Nora and I in breakfast and couldn't remember her name. I'm terrible with names, but I remember the face. And if I saw the license plate number of her car, I would have remembered that too. First thing she did was scold me, so I felt right at home.

I I she's here. I already spotted her. I'm not I'm not banging her out while she's not in front of me. I I love aid. I mentioned that.

I'm an alcoholic. If you're new in this room, that means I drank. That helps to be an alcoholic. Some places people don't know that. I I love Budweiser more specifically.

Some people say you can't be an alcoholic if all you drank was beer. That's all I drank. More specifically, Budweiser. Let me tell you how much I love Budweiser. How many of you watch the Super Bowl this past January?

Did you see that Clydesdale being born? I cry. I knew Budweiser was safe for another generation. I understand Louis the lizard, and I miss Budweiser. Tell you how much I miss Budweiser.

If you ever come to California, you come to Santa Monica, if you cross over the grapevine into the valley, on the west side of freeway, there's a Anheuser Busch brewery. I tell you, when I drive by there, I swear to god, I slowed down and have a moment of silence. I have to admit I like fine wine too. Ripple. Do you have that over here?

Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. You know why I like Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill? Because when I puke, it looks like I'm bleeding internally. Can I lie and tell you I got cancer or something, and you feel sorry for me buying me a real drink? Then I like to make Mad Dog 2020 great.

God, I just love that. Make you sweat if you think about it. Now I had a quart bottle of Budweiser that was pretty much empty because I was living in the dumpsters. And what I'll do is I'd mix these different things in the bottle and that's what I drink. And I'll tell you what that did to me.

I don't know what it does to you, but gave me a terminal condition called diarrhea. You drink like I drink. I had diarrhea for 6 years. If you had diarrhea for 6 years, you got to have good decision making skills. And you've got to develop split second timing.

And as a puker too, I I could spray this whole front row and not even hit no. Not even hit my own shoe top. And since I got false teeth, it ain't incoming. You gotta be careful. They come out.

Just catch them. Give them back. I remember there's one place I could go my wife would never follow and that was the bathroom. I owned it. It was mine.

I could have a cardiac arrest on the floor and my wife would not have come into the bathroom. That was my throne of contempt. I would lay there against the coolness of the stool. She had a Hamilton put it right there. And I remember one that is in there and then I would I route for everything I'm worth and I experienced the moment of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

My denture blew out right into the stool. And it was a race between me and the hole at the bottom because I knew I was about to lose them. And I caught them just before they went down the shooter, and I thought what the hell. I rinsed them off and put them right back in. I sure miss drinking.

I didn't mean to end up that way. I sure didn't start that way. See, I had no idea what alcoholism was. I had no conception in my mind. My I tell you what my idea and newcomer, I want you to know how powerful the old idea is.

It tells us in how it works until I let go of them absolutely that the result was nil. This idea is still in my mind though I don't nurse it anymore. I was watching TV one time and I saw what an alcoholic was. There was a guy in a tattered and torn raincoat with a rope tied about the waist to keep it closed. He was laying in the doorway somewhere like Clark and Randolph Street in Chicago, sucking out of a brown paper bag.

In my opinion, that's what I decided an alcoholic was. Therefore, I'm not alcoholic. I've never drank out of a brown paper bag. Not yet. But it's early.

I've been sober 22 years, 4 months, and 9 days, one day at a time today. I could drink again. Reason I mentioned that is because I'm a slipper. I can if you're a slipper, don't be ashamed. Don't let anybody make you ashamed.

I'm not proud of it, but I'm a slipper because I'm an alcoholic and I drank after I came day a so that means I'm a slipper. I found it necessary to drink after I met you people. Now I'm I'm not mad at you guys who don't find it necessary, but he fell into the group. I let me tell you about that. I was sleeping in this duplex up behind Larry's Oasis in Moline, Illinois.

I had 2 of them back here with side by side dumpsters, and I was in the one to the south. See, I couldn't stay in Larry's Tavern anymore because I'd become unpredictable. I would wake up in the middle of the night and see things and shoot, and I would break bottles of liquor behind the bar. So he wouldn't let me sleep in there tomorrow. When I couldn't go home, my family had a restraining order out against me.

I could no longer approach my mom or my dad or anybody else. So the only place I had left was Skid Row. Now Now let me tell you about something in case you sweat, in case you don't know this. When it gets about 20 below 0, garbage that's not been picked up for a while has a tendency to begin to decompose. And as it does, it gives off a strange kind of a heat.

And if you boil down into it, you don't get frostbite. And if you're hungry, what the heck? And I was in my dumpster out back one night. I heard a knock on the lid. I was home.

So I opened the door. You know who's looking down at me? My daddy. My daddy looked at me and he said, Wayne, do you wanna come home? No.

No. I like it in here, dad. Doesn't it look warm and cozy in here? If it was nice, I'd invite you in, dad. After all, you and mom helped put me here, don't you know?

That's not what I said. That's what I thought. Instead, I said, no. Thanks, dad. I'm I'm doing fine.

My dad closed the lid and left. Never came back. He didn't need alanine. He was out of there. And it got too cold to stay in that dumpster.

And so, I'm pretty charming with 80 year old waitresses at midnight. Me without no teeth, that's just a vision for you, you might say. And went to this restaurant called Harvey's Restaurant and broke into an abandoned car parked out back. It was located at the bottom of 34th Street in Moline right behind Harvey's restaurant. And, I got this midnight waitress to feel sorry for me, and she gave me a hot cup of water and a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup.

I made myself a cup of Heinz tomato soup soup, and she ate it from saltine crackers. And, she cut me a deal. She told me if I'd mop and wax the dining room floor, she'd give me 2 saucy sandwiches and whole wheat toast. I didn't think it was much paid, but, you know, I wasn't in a position to argue. And, I cut the deal.

And, there's guys on the restaurant named Harvey. Harvey's restaurant. No offense, Wes. Harvey was about Wes' size, but he had this giant nose. I don't know if you ever seen whiskey note, but his nose was straight as narrow, but then it was flared out on the nostrils swollen like bombs had gone off and the blood veins underneath the skin had turned red and purple and black and I swear to God, once Harvey's nose It's a nose would thump when his heart would beat.

And I was mesmerized by that throbbing nose. When Harvey came in, he he had something to say to me, but first I wanna tell you something. There's a guy named Clancy who talks about disease of perception. If you're new in this room, I want you to know what that disease of perception means to me that you'll so you'll understand what I'm about to tell you. When I was newly sober about 3 minutes, my sponsor took me to a meeting in Chicago, Illinois because the police were looking for me in meetings in Moline, Illinois for a mistaken thing.

So that's there's a group in Chicago called the mustard seed, and, they was having an anniversary. And this was a little over 22 years ago. And it was a room with about one roll like this going back 300 people. My sponsor is sitting in the front row with the other old timers, made us us newcomers, us losers in my opinion. Sitting in the 2nd row, I figured they wouldn't have to look at the disease.

There's about 300 people at the meeting. There's a guy up here speaking much like I am. And, you know, I've been around AA 5 years drunk the whole time, so I knew something about AA. My friend, Jim, I've known him 3 minutes. He didn't know nothing about a a, so I was helping him understand.

So as the speaker was speaking, I found it necessary to critique the speaker just like some of you are right now. This guy's talking and he's saying stuff and I finally I can't take it no more. I finally noticed Jimmy and I said, Jimmy, that guy's a liar. He couldn't have drank like that. His guts would fall out.

I know. Then he talked on and I couldn't stand it. I nudged Jimmy and I said, Jimmy. Jimmy went shh. So I went and I said, he couldn't have done that if he locked up in jail for the rest of his life.

And then he talked on and I judged him and I said, oh, Jimmy, he couldn't have done that if he locked up in a cycle for the rest of his life. I know I've been there 17 times. By the way, I have been there 17 times. I like the psych ward. I truly do.

I'm gonna tell you why. If you drink like I drink and you act like I acted out on the street, I couldn't get a date to save my life. You put me in a psychiatric institution and I got a 5050 shot. Now I'm gonna tell you how to do it in case you slip because it gets lonely out there. Anybody in here have Thorazine?

I've got I've got enough Thorazine pump in me to slow me down till I'm 210. Now I'm a tell you what it does to me. Thorazine doesn't do a thing to slow down the speed of my thinking, but my butt will never catch it. And I know if it does that to me, it's gotta do it to you girls too. I have I gotta tell the truth.

Psych wards I went through, they wheeled the med cart right out onto the floor. And I'd stand there and watch and I'd pick one of the cute ones out and I'd wait till she took her fluorescein. Because I knew about an hour, I was gonna get a chance at a date. It's a lot like that when you don't give out toys. Amen.

Try not Jimmy, and I said, Jimmy, he he couldn't have done that. He'd be locked up in a psych ward the rest of his natural life. Seventeen times. And I guess my sponsor got sick and tired of hearing that. He turned around and looked me right in front of the eye.

And in front of 300 people, here's what I heard him say, shut up, you goddamn loser. You ain't got a thing to say we wanna hear. And if we ever think you do, we'll come out that abandoned car we pulled you out of behind Harvey's restaurant, we'll toot your little horn and invite you in to share. Now until you hear that horn, sit there, keep your big mouth shut or leave the meeting. That's what I heard him say.

Come and find out. Here's what he really said. That's what I heard. So if you hear like that, welcome to AA. But Harvey came to the restaurant, and Harvey was one of the grateful old timers, a humble man by any stretch, a humble man.

He pulls his brass coin out of his pocket and on one side he's got 2 a's and on the other side he's got some prayer, god grant me something. I don't know. Didn't say nothing about money, food, or shelter so I wasn't real clued in. And Harvey said something to me. Here's what he really said.

He said, you take this coin down to 416 16th Street Moline tomorrow. You tell them Harvey sent you and they're friends of mine. They're gonna help you. That's not what I heard. And if I hadn't heard it the way I heard it, I would have never went because you see, I'm not really an alcoholic.

I mean, I got some problems. I know that. Psychologically for sure. But I'm not an alcoholic. I've never drank nothing out of a brown paper bag.

So Harvey tells me to go down there and what I heard him say was they'll give you 3 or 4 packs of pill mill tailor made cigarettes. I haven't had a tailor made for a while. He said they give me some pocket dough because they know I'm broke and some food because I'm hungry. That's what I really heard him say. That's when he said they'd help me.

That's the only reason I went to 416 16th Street the next day. And like any good OAA group 27 years ago in Illinois, I get down to the address. It's in the worst part of town right around the corner from Larry's Oasis. And on the side of the building, it had this giant sign posted by the city of Moline said building condemned. Do not enter.

Right below it was another sign with a arrow pointing into the basement. Said AA 16th Street, welcome. And then he told me that there'd be a light bulb hanging on a cord in the hallway in the cellar doorway. And he said if that light was on, they're home, and they're expecting you. Go on in.

Ain't that fascinating? So I go down there the next day and I find it. I looked down into the cellarway and there's the light bulb. Harvey told me if it was on to go in. He didn't tell me what to do if the light bulb was flickering on and off.

Do you hear me? That light was flickering. I didn't know what to do. I stood there and almost wondered what it means. He said if it's on, go in.

I wonder if you're there. I wonder if it's a warning not to come in yet. What is it? I don't know if you think like that, but I do. I had no idea I was going to AA.

I do a a n a. What's a n a? I don't know what a a is. I would if I would've known, I wouldn't have waited because I'm not really an alcoholic, don't you see? I couldn't take it.

I could not go in. I didn't know what that meant. So I went to Larry's Oasis and had a couple drinks. And then I didn't care because when I get oiled up, I don't mind asking for some free food and money. So I went back.

Went charging through that basement doorway, failed to notice that the door header is 5 ten ish. I'm 63. And I swear when I went charging through that doorway, that that door hit me right that header hit me right across the eyebrow. The impact literally knocked me off my feet and I slid into my first meat without falling. About 6 feet inside the door, just round table with 6 or 7 old men waiting to die.

That was my opinion. I split between 2 of them. This little ugly one gets up out of the chair and goes just like this. Then he said, slide right in here, dummy. We got a wrench to fit every nut that slides in the door.

I didn't like them right away. And I reached down into my cowboy boot to pull that 357 out and pop the cap on his butt. And then he said, Donnie, that's what I heard. I looked up and I said, my name's Wayne. He says, I got it.

Donnie, I'm gonna be your sponsor. That saves his life. You might wonder why. I've never been to AA before, but I've played baseball. Sponsors pay for everything.

When you when you live like me, you gotta think quick on your feet. And I got up off that floor and stuck my head right up Barney's butt. I really did. I I thought, okay, Sparks. They say, they say Barney should have had turns.

It was all his hip to keep him breaking my neck. Should he turn left or right too soon without warning me? I was right there. Time Barney said that he wasn't smiling. I wasn't close enough.

I hated his guts. You could stand him and Wes up side by side and they could be twins. That's truly a true story. Barney b in Moline, Illinois. I hated that man.

I hated him. I hated his guts. I hated his hair. I hated everything. I hated his feet.

I hated everything about him. Wanted him to die. If you're alcoholic like me, you'll understand why. He said, come, go along with us. And for the next 5 years, I drank every day.

I drank before meetings. I drank after meetings. And when I could not stand it anymore, I would slip out during a meeting and drink. And I'm here to tell you something. If you find a gathering like this where a drinking drunk is not allowed to sit and listen, in my opinion, that's not AA.

That's a gathering of people forgot from whence they came. I do wanna suggest this to you, newcomer, in case you are a slipper though. We do want you to behave while you're here. And therein lies my problem. See, I could either drink or I could behave.

I just couldn't do it simultaneously. Remember I was about 4 years drinking going to meetings, and I came into a meeting 15 minutes late. And I'll tell you why. I was sitting down with Larry's Oasis. Remember how we tell people that it helps us to help you?

I was sitting down at the Oasis one night, it was meeting time and I was waiting. I remember I wanted to get there in time that you could help me so you'd feel better. Yeah. I don't know if any of you think like that, but I want you to help me because I knew it made you feel good when you went home. And I'm a bankrupt idealist.

I just gotta be of service. I got to the meeting 15 minutes late, walked in, the speaker was speaking, and I, of course, disrupted the entire meeting because it's all about me, me, me. I don't care about anybody else. And, of course, it disturbed some of the older veteran member. And one of them got up and now I'm a pretty pleasing guy.

I was down at Larry's Oasis having a few drinks and I was getting spiritual. I don't I get spiritual when I drink. And I came to that meeting and you should have overlooked the fact I was a tidy bit late. After all, I was there. And one of them old timers got up and said, you gotta quiet down.

You're disrupting the meeting. And something happened in my spirituality, and I looked at him and then I said, I don't want to. Another one gets up and says, you gotta sit down. You're disrupting the meat. And I looked at him and I said, I don't have to.

Another one gets up and says, you gotta leave. You're welcome to come back tomorrow because we don't kick anybody. I repeat, anybody out of AA. But we do have a right to an undisturbed, uninterrupted meeting so that our newcomers and we can hear an undisrupted, undistracted message. And I looked at him and I said, you can't make me.

Oh, yes. They can. She has old boy right here, About 4 guys his size, each one grabbed arm and a leg, talk some goofy newcomer and holding the door open. I noticed as I flew right by. Before I landed out in the middle of 16th Street, I heard one of the old timers yell out, keep coming back.

God, I hated them. But I kept coming back. Four and a half years drinking, I walked into the meat and I heard my sponge yell out, hey, dummy. But I heard. I turned around.

I said, what? And he said, do you know this program tends to work better if you don't drink? I didn't know that. That was news to me. And I don't know about you, but that was the first time in four and a half years I heard it.

And my mind fragmented. That's all I can tell you. And I reached down in my cowboy boot and I pulled that 357 out. I wheeled around. I fired around off at my sponsor's face.

I missed him 6 inches high. They say if Barney would have been 6 foot tall, he'd be 6 foot under. I came through the next morning in 6 point letter restraints at Saint at Franciscan Middle Health Center in Rock Island, Illinois. I was tied down in the center of a padded room. I was black and blue from head to toe from a little AA group therapy.

They said they did it with love. And it is her next morning. You know who was Barney? I could not get rid of him for nothing. He was like a maggot on a mission.

He was everywhere. And I'm I'm laying there tied down, busted from the feet up to the head and I'm waiting for him to judge me and tell me what I really am and that I can't come to AA no more that I've been ex communicated, if you will. You know what he says to me? Dummy. What I heard.

He said, there's something wrong with you. Mommy, hope you're an alcoholic. Maybe you're just nuts. And I'm thinking, yeah. Be brave now, pal.

I'm tied down. And I know where you live. And when they let me out of here, I'm going to come look you up. I'm just like he had ESPN. He looked down at me and he says, I don't know if they're gonna let you out.

They're talking about keeping you and studying you a lot. Really? He says, but I do know this, when and if they let you out of here, if you come with us and do what we did and still do, you can recover too. You know, he never mentioned a word about that night. And to this day, he's never mentioned a word to me about that night.

And then he went even a step further. He went to the board of psychiatry and got me released to his care. This man's out of his mind. I don't know if I could have been that humble. I asked him, I said, Barney, why did weren't you afraid of me?

He didn't even miss a beat. He says, I'm afraid of you, buck out. And I said, why aren't you afraid of me, Barney? He says, it's in the book. Really?

And he went to that part of the book where it says, we do not fear to go to the most sorted spot on earth to carry this message that God will keep us unharmed. And he said, pal, you are the most sorted spot I've ever been. Oh, he always had to get them digs in there. Gotta do. I hated his guts.

Then he said, you know that part of the book? What part of the book, Barney? I'm sick of the book. What book? He said, an alcoholic in his cup is an unlovely creature.

He said, not child of God. Creature. You're an animal. And I'm thinking, what? And leave me alone.

He wasn't done with me yet. Got me released to him and I drank for 6 more months. You think I'd stop, but you see, I've got this condition of mind and body that's different from most normal drinkers. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no idea what precipitates me into the kind of thinking that it required me to pick up a Budweiser when it meant certain difficulty.

And now I know today what my condition is. Thank god I do. I went through 2 wives and 5 kids and I disrupted their their I stripped them children of their childhood. I didn't mean to but I take responsibility for it. I can't blame it on alcohol to them.

They were there. Then I have to go approach and try to make amend to as a human being. I can't blame it on alcohol. You see, they really know that it was me. Doesn't matter how much I drank.

They know it was me. And so I'm thankful that we have a program of practical application where I can attempt to set right the wrongs I created while I was on the insulin of alcohol. Because you see, alcohol is not the problem. There's a certain part of me that wishes it was. If alcohol was a problem, I could simply avoid drinking and I'd be fine.

Wouldn't that be true? Something happens to me. It happened to me before I ever came day. It happened to me when I came out of the shoot, I think. Must've got it all the way down.

I'm not sure. Genetically predisposed. I come from an alcoholic home. I'm not gonna blame nothing on them. I'm gonna tell you this.

I'm not gonna tell you about my mom and dad's drinking or behavior because, that's them and I might lie to you to make myself look better and to get you to feel sorry for me. And if I tell you what they did to me and my perception, those that do need help might not never approach AA because if they're like me, if I knew they came here and talked about me, I wouldn't show up no matter how bad I was done. And so I'm not gonna tell you. I just tell you I came from an alcoholic home. If you come from an alcoholic home, we probably identify.

I will give you this insight. You get Jerry Springer over here? If you wanna know what my youth was like, just watch Jerry Springer for about a week. It's like a Butler family reunion. There's this thing called the ISM.

The ISM. There's a lot of acronyms, but I like the one that's in the basic text of alcohol. It's not. ISM, I s m, internal spiritual maladjustment. You see, my problem is spiritual in its entirety.

Internal page 53 of the book out of all his knowledge says that, god, he's risen or isn't? What's my decision to be? God is everything or god is nothing. What's my decision to be? Now on page 55, it says deep down inside every and the keyword is every.

It offended me deeply. Every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of god. By the way, newcomer, if the word god offends you, let me offer you the god that my sponsor offered me when it was unpalatable and unacceptable to me. He said, g o d, it's in the big book, good orderly design for living. If you follow the book, You'll have a good orderly design.

You'll have a God of understanding. In the 12 and 12, it says, g o d, good orderly direction. It says in the 12 and 12 that when I become willing to take advice and accept direction, that I would be set on the road just straight thinking and honest living. And then my favorite, g o d, group of drunks. There's a power here where of myself, I'm nothing.

There's a power when we get together. You see, when I'm with you, I'm not with me. You hear me? Because when I'm not with you, I'm left with me and I'm not alone. There should be a neighborhood watch sign right there.

Then on page Roman numeral 24, we have internal, we have spiritual. Says, quote, Bill Wilson through bill doctor Silkworth through Bill Wilson said this, that I am, quote, maladjusted to life in full flight from reality and how life men are defective. That was my hope for the future. And I came to aid with all these feelings and emotions that I didn't understand. I said, god, why can't drinking be my problem?

My sponsor said, drinking is not your problem. He isn't his, but I didn't understand it for a long time. Now I understand in a big book of alcoholics and omens, in the book 12 steps and 12 traditions, father Ed Dowling, reverend Sam Shoemaker, doctor Harry Tebow, and doctor Yung collectively gathered a set of symptoms of Bill Wilson with the help of father Ford and Tom Powers, put these symptoms in written form so that people like me could read them and understand them and know what my condition is. Now if you're new, you may not know. Let me show you what it means to me to have alcoholism.

When I tell you I'm an alcoholic, here's what these men told me I'm really suggesting to you. I realize I look to you right now like I'm a full grown adult mature man. In reality, I remain childish, grandiose, and gravely, emotionally immature. As a going human concern, my my natural state is one of growing anxiety, depression, and fear coupled with an intense desire for excitement. A condition of being which is complicated with and exacerbated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need.

Their attention and unquestionable approval. A condition of human existence which renders me restless, irritable, and discontent with a lot. And you know that that affects me the way I think and the way I feel? Mentally, my thought life is governed by a 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self pity. All of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and considerate, resentful, and fighting motives in law.

Moses which left unattended in me allows and engages dangers and I said dangerous and life threatening levels of lust. Try not to make eye contact. Pride, anger, angry, slop, gluttony, I turned into a pig. I want it all. That renders me emotionally a bit sensitive.

Sensitive to the point that I have a strong tendency for taking everything I see and hear personal. I don't like criticism, and I can't stand praise basically because I doubt the sincerity of the praiser. When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don't like to suffer emotionally. I don't suffer well and I don't suffer alone. Socially, I'm a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out.

As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify, and deny all my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid detection. Personally, regarding my fellow man and woman, I demand. And I said, demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life. Therefore, in response to you, I am quick to anger, slow to virtue, and I get a distinct succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see. As a man, my outstanding characteristic is defiance and rebellion dogs my every step.

Now as a child of god, That's all catalog of my finer quality. Anybody want a date? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me introduce you to Nora.

Nora. Ask him. No worries. I think I'm really trying to get a date. My sweetie.

Well, after hearing that, she's taking a big chance, don't you think? Now we laugh at that. Some people might even say that's psychobabble, but you know what? It's in our book, and I'm gonna tell you why I need to know that. Newcomer, you're gonna hear those symptoms at every meeting you go through.

I promise. I give you my word. But here's how you're gonna hear them. I don't fit in. I don't belong.

I don't feel a part of. My god, what's wrong with me? My case must be different. And then I begin to attempt to validate those statements of difference to the actions I take. Now it makes that alcoholism and our 2 speakers earlier today appointed to that.

Silkworth says in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, drinkers like me, abnormal drinkers, drink essentially because I like the effect produced by alcohol. And that's why precisely why I'm willing to chase alcohol to the gates of insanity, death, and beyond. 1st, I wanna tell you this, The feelings I had, I've had in my whole life. The best way to describe it to you is when I was 8 or 9 years old, I'm at home, I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm thinking to myself, Butler, it's too bad, pal. It's gonna be a long life.

And it's gonna be lonely because you are blood ugly, pal. I don't know where that came from. My mom never set me down and said, oh, you poor little son of a you know, just out of mercy alone, I'd put you back if I could. You're so ugly. That's not what my mom said.

That's what I heard when she said, Wayne, I love you. Isn't that interesting? And you could have not convinced me of any different. That's what I heard. And I spent my whole life trying to validate those things that I didn't understand.

What makes that alcoholism here's another extension of that fact. Apparently, people like me had the inability. We're powerless to change the way we feel by the way we act. I act the way I feel. If I feel bad, I I act bad and I take people with me.

I felt retarded. So apparently, I acted retarded. You know what will happen if you act retarded in school? They'll diagnose you. In 9th grade, I got diagnosed severely retarded.

I got put in retarded class and I improved. Do you know I stayed in a retarded class before I graduated high school? I never left. It was great. There was 11 of them so I used to lie and say 12 so it'd be more programmatically acceptable.

See, I found out retarded kids to go to the bathroom and not get detention. The girl's bathroom. You know what makes me alcoholic? When I was 17 years old, Tom, who used to take us retarded kids on field trips, not making that up. Lived in a group home.

He took us kids on a record he he took us recorded kids on field trips and he I was the leader. He said I was brighter than most. You know, I was bragging to my sponsor one time when I thought he was putting me down from what I was hearing. And I said, well, you know, Barney, I was their leader. Tom said I was brighter than most.

And Barney says, yeah, pal. You know what happens to a light bulb? When it's brightest, it burns out. Tom took me to the senior dance. I'm 17 years old.

I'm 6 foot 3, weigh a £120, and got pimples where god never intended pimples to be, and I knew you knew it. Tom took me to that dance, and I'm watching everybody mix and have a good time. Tom walks over and brings this long brown bottle with a red, white, and blue label called Budweiser. He said, here, drink this. It'll make you feel better.

I drank it and I said, Tom, that tastes terrible. I want a Pepsi Cola. Tom said, that's okay, kid. You'll get used to it. Now you know what Tom meant?

Like anybody else that was drinking for the first time, I'd probably drink too much, get dizzy, probably get drunk, try to go into the bathroom, probably pee in my dresser, but I would come through the next day and learn to drink responsibly. That's basically what Tom meant. That's not what happened to me. Something happened in my mind that is bodily mentally different from the average temperate drinker, moderate drinker, heavy drinker. It doesn't happen to any other drinker but the alcohol.

I had an alteration in my perception of reality. I know that was what it was today. All I know is somewhere between 4 or 5 Budweisers, I got the good look and I couldn't stand it. I looked down. I did.

I went from 6 £320 to 6.3240 and I was bulletproof. I looked out on the floor and I eyeballed me a blue eyed blonde dancing with some loser. I walked right up to her and asked her to dance and she said, sure. She we danced. Found out later that night sex meant 2 people.

I didn't know that. Threw me into a life threatening depression. Needed sex therapy first time out of the gate, and I'm gonna tell you why. I was having sex since I was 13 and I thought I was pretty good at it. She ruined the whole deal.

If you've been there, you know what I mean. Yes, sir. I went back to retardant class. Few weeks later, my dad called me and said, pal, we got a problem. I said, what's that, dad?

He said, you know that girl you was with? I said, yes, sir. He said, you know, she's 16. I go, okay. I'm 17.

And he said, she's pregnant. I could tell that wasn't good. And I said, dad, what's that mean? Well, see, in the state of Illinois, there's a little law if a boy 14 or older has sex with a girl 17 or younger, it's called statutory rape. And I said, dad, what's that mean?

He says 20 years to life. I said, even if you're retarded? Found out if you're married, you don't go to jail, so I fell in love. I'll tell you something. I chased that moment.

That is what I chased, that illusion. And so forth says in his opinion that the effect produced by alcohol though to the alcoholic, it's real. It's in fact an illusion. To the earth person, you know, John q normal, he doesn't see that going on inside. Boy, I do.

I feel normal. They use a big word called extemporaneous in the 12 and 12 which simply means that when I drink, I feel normal. And you know that's the great obsession of my mind is if I drink enough alcohol, I will be able to act and react normally. And you know I still have that same obsession in my mind today. 22 years, 4 months, and 9 days sober, I wanna be normal.

I'll never get to be normal because I'm bodily mentally different from my fellow man. And from that day I took my first drink till November 8, 1977 when I took what appears to be my last drink, I was chasing that same effect produced. When I get restless irritable in discontent, a little computer chip kicks in and reminds me that when I drink Budweiser, I get a sense of tending ease, comfort, and normalcy. And you know that computer chip is still in my head. And if I go around out calling anonymous and don't participate in what we all participate in, I'll begin to feel like I don't fit in here too.