La Hacienda Reunion at the La Hacienda Treatment Center in Hunt, TX

Hi. Good afternoon. My name is Billy Noonan. I'm an alcoholic. Good evening.

By the grace of God through Alcoholics Anonymous and, a lot of action I probably didn't wanna take. I've been sober since January 5th, 1990. I gotta say some things straight from the start because, sometimes, there's a lot of confusion about this piece of wood that I'm behind. The first confusion is is that I'm not on it, on top of it. I don't speak for AA.

I'm not some AA angel poster child. It's a podium, and there's a human being behind it. And, I have to be honest. You know, there's some days I can be a good little AA and be the front of the room with my book open, And then some days, I can be in the back with a cup of coffee next to my best buddy judging the hell out of everyone else there. I mean, you know, that's just me.

And, I'm not some nice guy that started drinking and got into trouble. That's not my story. If it's someone else's, that's okay. At about age 12, I learned about the cedial so called bad, dark side of life. Since 12, I was attracted to the seedy, dark, bad side of life, before I ever picked up a drink.

That side of life has always looked more fun to me. When I was 12 years old, I did not think about being in the honest society, going to West Point. That looked boring. That looked not fun. So I know one thing, you know, that I love Chris's humor.

I I know I've spoken in Texas before, so I know I won't say it's good to be in the South because the last time I said that, some guy waited all the way online after the meeting. And when he got up to me, he said, Billy, I'm sure you don't know this, but the South is East of Texas. So I know that now. You know? I know the south is east of Texas.

You know? And one of the things that I appreciate about Texas is that I live in New Jersey, but, I am a New Yorker. I was born there, raised there. I assure you, screwing a New Jersey license plate on my car took a lot of, like, prayer and meditation. Because I'm an arrogant, stubborn New Yorker who believes that why would anyone live anywhere else, you know, but in New York.

I really appreciated the speaker this morning, and I'm gonna do what the book tells me to do, which is to share in a general way my experience, strength, and hope on what it used to be like, how I got here, and how it is today. And what I can't do here today is I can't take you through the book and give you a spiritual experience. What I can urge you with if there's anything else that I could say today is that if you have not done that, when you leave here, find someone. Find someone who's gone through the book with someone else who's gone through the book. Don't work the book or try to work the steps in a meeting.

You're gonna have to take the time because these miracles get worked over kitchen tables and in diners and 1 on 1. You know? So that's the really only you know, I I have to say that. If I can give someone some hope of how you can be a pathetic, malcontent, antisocial, violent tendencies, the whole list is long, And how you can kind of get your life back together a day at a time depending on your spiritual condition, that I can do. That I can tell you about with my bad examples.

I'm not here today to be the poster child. I have some really bad examples of my conduct in sobriety and the bad consequences that have come as a result of them, and how I've had to get my head out of my you know what and tell someone honestly where I am and go through the process again. I mean, I'll say a couple of things this morning. I wrote down 2 things when he was talking. The first thing he said is I love I don't know.

It's probably I came to AA when I was 15. You're not a good kid if you wind up in AA at 15. You know? It's just a rule of thumb. You know?

Even if you're not an alcoholic, if you wind up in AA at age 15, life's going a different direction than your parents planned on. And, but the speaker this morning said, there's nothing worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of AA. Now I say yes, unless you're a chronic teenage alcoholic. If you're a chronic t chronic teenage alcoholic, and I think I saw a few here, there is one thing worse. That's a belly full of booze and a mom's head full of black belt Al Anon.

That is a horrible combination. A horrible combination. If if you drink like I drink and you like to behave the way I like to behave and you like to not follow rules and hang out with bad people, Al Anon is evil. It interferes with my right to have a good time. It interferes with my right to drink the only thing that's ever made me feel whole.

And Al Anon and I noticed probably members of Al Anon here today. And I gotta tell you that I really love Al Anon. And I gotta tell you that my history as an alcoholic is that I'm too nice to alcoholics. I tend to be too compassionate to alcoholics. I tend to not wanna let them fall.

You know, I love the footsteps prayer, but I love the Al Anon version more if you've ever heard it. And that's the one where the guy looks back at his life, and he says, hey, god. I thought you were, with me here. How come there's only, you know, one set of prints there? And and, you know, god answers back like the prayer says, well, that's where I was carrying you.

And he says, well, what's with 5 feet later where there's a big, like, hole in the sand? He says, well, that's where I dropped you on your ass. You know? You know? And and what I've learned in AA is that this is a family disease, and I will talk about the family disease.

I will not talk about the family disease that it made me an alcoholic, so let's make that clear. I suffer from the condition that's described in the doctor's opinion in the big book. I have the physical compulsion. I've never not had a second drink. I have a lot of great war stories, but they all have one thing in common.

I was never able to not have the second drink. But I come from a family wrecked with alcoholism. And I'm gonna talk about that a little bit. Now the other thing the speaker said is we all have things in AA that bother us the most when we hear them. Right at the top of my list now is I put myself on the top of my amends list.

That's my personal favorite right now of how a guy like me who has destroyed lives, gone through like a tornado, lied from you, stolen from you, cheated on you, the whole list. How a guy like me could put myself at top of the list. I mean, that's that's what I love to do is put myself on top of the list. So I'm gonna say I'm sorry to Billy before the 1,000 other people whose lives I've wrecked in the last 24 years. I mean, I hear that and I just say, god, where does that stuff come come?

Because it's not in the book that I read. And, you know, I said, I grew up Irish Catholic. That doesn't make me an alcoholic. You know, it might make me a little bit more thirsty and a little bit more guilty, but it doesn't make you an alcoholic. You know?

It just doesn't. It doesn't. And I I come from a house with 42 first cousins, you know, and that's not a lot where I come from. You know, in my family, the birth control is if you are pregnant, you can't get pregnant. You know?

So that's just the rule of thumb. And and I'll explain how that big extended family that big extended family I love today, but there's one thing we don't believe in or admit exists, and that's alcoholism. There's a lot of rules I was raised with, and they are not the 24 set of spiritual principles on the wall over there. I assure you. In fact, they're almost completely opposite.

And I just need to say something before I go on with my story and that is, I will say something today that will be offensive, and that's because I led an offensive life. At my very nature, I'm offensive to be around, I'm offensive to bring home to your friends' families. I'm offensive to go out with. I'm offensive in public, and I'm not a nice person. That's just the I mean, it sounds funny, but if you looked at my inventories, you would know that it's true.

So when I say a couple of things today, if they sound kinda harsh, just wait until I finish because I probably set them for a reason. You know, I have a great life today, and, that's only because of Alcoholics Anonymous and God and the work through the steps. You know, I I just wanna say this. You know, it's it's nice to go around and speak at conventions. It's it's nice to meet a lot of people.

But as I I was telling a couple people today, I, last Friday night, I went upstate New York to speak at a convention, and somebody said to me that night, you don't look overly excited to be here. And I had to really be honest with him. And, you know, through my inventories, I found that I am a people pleaser at the very nature. Some of my biggest forms of dishonesty is being people pleasing. And so I'll say whatever it is to fit in or be popular.

And I had to tell this person last Friday night, I'm honored to be at your convention. I'm honored to show up for Alcoholics Anonymous. However, 3 hours ago, all my sober buddies went out to dinner. Right now, they're all in the meeting I usually go to. An hour from now, they'll all be smoking cigars and playing the Texas hold them game we play every Friday night.

But that's my regular AA life, my lifeline to being able to be a member of this program. And the day that speaking at conventions and getting on a plane to speak at a podium in front of a big crowd is more important than just being one of the guys in AA. I need to get my ass off a plane. I mean, that's just the bottom line. That's the truth.

When someone says, am I a circuit speaker? Well, I say, well, that depends on if your definition of a circuit speaker is someone who's willing to fly halfway around the world, but not willing to walk 10 feet across a room to say hello to a newcomer. If that's your definition of a circuit speaker, then I am not. You know, I told you I grew up in this family, and I come from a house destroyed by alcoholism. My dad was a deep cover undercover narcotics officer in the seventies, buying a lot of heroin, working inside organized crime, not home for days, weeks at a time in foreign countries.

My mom was an untreated Al Anon, and, we had one big happy family. And, you know, let me tell you about some of the things that I need to tell you because the work that I've done in the book, I'd love to tell you that I had to spend a lot of time on learning new things, but I'm unfortunately, I need to report to you that I've had to spend a lot of time unlearning what I learned, learning what was taught was normal and true. You see, I was raised to be a racist. I was raised to be antisemitic. I was raised to be sexist.

I was raised to be homophobic. I was raised to basically hate everyone that's not an Irish Catholic, New York cop, fireman, electrician, pipe fitter, something like that. If you fit in that little box, we like you. If you don't fit in that little box, just stay out of our life. So that's the truth.

If I were to say here anything different, it would just would not be true. Now in that household, I learned a lot of things. You see, I learned the number one rule in life when you come from a family like mine, and that is what happens in the house stays in the house. If you don't live there, you're not privy to the secrets of the house anymore. That does not make me an alcoholic.

It doesn't. It has nothing to do with my membership here of suffering from the disease as stated in the doctor's opinion and more about alcoholism. However, my character defects grew by the 100 in what I was taught and learned. They don't make me an alcoholic, but I'll tell you this. My alcoholism, me picking up a drink, plus those character defects equal a raging tornado.

That's what the math equals. You to put those kinda learned behaviors together with my alcoholism was a disaster. And you see, so I lived in this house, and let me just give you a glimpse of the Newnan household. Dad's been away all week. God knows where.

He comes home in a different car every day. He comes home in a Corvette some days. He comes home in a power company truck. He comes home in a New York telephone truck. That was his life, and he was very good at it.

And like I found me to be, he was hated by those he lived with and was closest to and loved and like the guy's guy outside the house. That's who he was. That's who I became. Now on that Friday night or Saturday, whenever he choose to come home, let me just describe something for you. See, on January 5th 1990, the guy you're looking at didn't show up to AA.

Let me tell you who showed up to AA. A 23 year old boy who never lost a fight, never cried a tear, and was afraid of nothing. 14 years later, I'll tell you who showed up to AA. A guy that got his ass kicked more often than not. A guy who cried, but never in front of other people.

And basically lived his whole life in fear and afraid of everybody and everything. But that's not who showed up on January 5, 1990. On January 5, 1990, I was convinced you people were gonna have to write a new book with a new chapter called the worst case to ever come to AA. You know? Because that's how grandiose I was.

You know? The toughest guy ever to get sober. Some ridiculous nonsense like that. See, on on a Friday night in my house, if I would go to bed, I would wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning because I would usually hear a wedding picture being shattered or somebody falling down because they were thrown. And you see, I would be crying in the corner of my bedroom praying that my dad's weapon would not go off, that he would not take his own life, that he would not kill my mom, that my mom would not kill him.

See, but it it's miraculous if you live in a household that's filled with the family disease of alcoholism. See, because 6 hours later, at 10 o'clock in the morning, I would get up to go upstairs. My mom would be whistling making pancakes. I would think like I dreamed what went on because it didn't go on. That's the party line.

What happened at 4 o'clock in the morning last night did not go on. My dad would be sitting in his favorite chair listening to the Emerald Society bagpipe band album, drinking Johnny Walker already. And we would get into the state. See, when you have 42 Irish Catholic first cousins, it makes the springtime a very interesting time of year. See, the springtime with 42 First Cousins is a revolving door of baptisms, first communions, confirmations, graduations.

Every weekend, you go to a different one. And when you show up there, you might be the channel 7 after school special family when you get in the station wagon. But wherever you get to, whether it's 2 miles or 20, you better be the Brady Bunch when you get out or there'll be a price to pay. That's just the truth. I made the mistake one day of telling kid on the neighborhood what happened the night before in my house on the bus stop.

He went home and told his mother. His mother ran into my mother in the supermarket and asked if she was okay that she had heard. My mom told my dad and then he beat the living hell out of me. I never did that again. Him beating me up does not make me an alcoholic.

You know, I just wanna tell you my favorite line in the big book these days. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. It's my favorite line. Because how I was raised, how my day is going, how hard my life is, has nothing to do with the fact that I suffer from the illness described in the big book. However, my inventories and I use the plural on purpose, meaning that many of them have, unfortunately, that last column, I can't say I was drinking.

That's a hard pill to swallow sometimes when you're 14 years sober and doing an inventory, and the same pattern is on there that's been there. And it's not really what you did, but why you did it. I mean, I like to call that column sounded like a good time idea at the time. You know, that's the story and history of my life sounded like a good idea at the time. Except the spiritual consequences, whether I am drinking or not, grow if I keep acting like that.

And in my household, I learned a lot of rules, and they're not all good ones. But I learned that when we got to that party, men go here and women go here. And that my poster child alcoholic uncle Frank always brought the poker chips, $200 worth of singles and quarters, and the bookies phone number if it was New Year's Day at thanksgiving so we can make last minute calls into the football bookie. I mean, that's how I grew up. See, See, by the time I was 12 years old, I talked about the seedier side of life.

By the time I was 12 years old, I knew an upside down shot glass knew my dad had a drink coming. I knew my dad kept his money on the bar and the bartender made it change. I remember when I went to a bar for the first time as a teenager, and my friends bought beers and put their change in their pocket, but I knew to keep my money on the bar that the bartender would make change for me. You know? I mean, my parents did not write books that you find in Barnes and Noble on how to raise a healthy family.

You know? I love them to death, but you're not gonna find their book published there. I knew how to play 8 ball, 9 ball, all the rules of darts. I knew what points on a game meant. I knew how to fill out the little weekly football card.

I knew all that stuff. And first drink. You know, I can only tell you what first drink in my family means for this alcoholic. Splitting a beer with my dad at Yankee Stadium is not my first drink as per my family's definition. Going on a fishing trip with my dad and having a beer, that's not my first drink.

You know, my first drink, I can identify with no problem. You see, my mom kicked my dad out of the house by the time I was 13, and I hated her for it. And I hated her for a long time. A long time. I always side with the active alcoholic.

If there's 2 people involved in a dispute, I always side with the tragic, drastic tornado. You know? I have a little sympathy for that person. The normal so be regular person, they just like to kill a little fun in my opinion. So my mom kicked my dad out, so I hated her.

You know, I got I started to get into trouble in school. You know, I hear people say, well, you're mentally and physically different. Listen, my book is clear. I am not mentally and physically different from my fellows prior to January 5, 1990. The person who is talking to you today, me, is mentally and physically different from my fellows.

I am. Physically, I suffer from this disease called alcoholism. I cannot safely take the first drink. Even when I wake up completely sober the next day, my brain sometimes tells me to take the first drink. I suffer from that disease.

Mentally, it's not even a good topic from the podium as far as today. I'll give you a quick example. I travel a lot for work. I was away with 2 people recently. We all got a rent a car.

I usually travel alone. We got to this rental car place at 10:30 at night. They had one car, a very fast car. Now, the guy who was driving, we got out of the lot. I knew where we were going, so did they.

There were 2 choices, highway, local. But my brain immediately says, hey, aren't you gonna take this thing on the highway and see what it can do? I mean, that's what I said out loud. You know? Like, why would we have a car like this and not see what it can do?

You know? I'm telling you, this is couple months ago. You know what he said? It's fascinating, the brain of a normal person. He turned around in the car and said, you know, I don't wanna get a speeding ticket.

Now, that's a nice answer, but if you're a guy like me, let's just play out that story. Let's say I was driving. Let's just say I got pulled over for speeding. If you're a guy like me, having a valid license, registration, and insurance card is like winning Powerball. Having having having 3 of those things with my name on it that are all valid right now, You know?

And I wish it sounds funny, but it's the pathetic truth. You know, Chris asked me how old I was. Let me tell you. A couple of years ago, I lived in Chicago for work during sobriety. On my 34th birthday, you know, your driver's license expires on your birthday.

Of course, being an alcoholic, it was the day before my birthday I went to motor vehicle. But let me tell you the revelation that went through my mind. I was a 34 year old man supposedly, and that was the first time in my life I ever renewed a driver's license. How do people do that? How do they keep one for 4 years without it getting suspended or revoked or you know, like I had never made it that whole 4 year period in my lifetime.

And you think like that is pathetic. That's crazy, but that's the truth. I never made it until I stayed sober because I lost mine for a good period of time for a while, and I'll get into that. So, you know, that's the kind of thinking and family I come from. And, you know, so I hated my mom.

My dad was my hero, and he was a raging alcoholic. And one night I went you see, I tried sports. I tried Boy Scouts. I tried everything to not be home, to be out of myself. I couldn't even tell other people that my dad didn't live home anymore.

I was so devastated by him not living there. But you see, at 16 years old, I pulled into a 711 parking lot with, like, 5 other guys in the back of a Nova or a Monte Carlo or Dusto, whatever the car, the early eighties, late seventies was, listening to Sabbath, having a good time, and somebody bought me my first 8 pack of millers, those small bottles. That night, the ease and comfort that it talks about in the doctor's opinion occurred for me for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life, I felt equal to everyone else. For the first time in my life, that hole in my stomach was gone.

Now that sounds hokey to other people, but to somebody like me, I have been searching for that. So I gotta tell you, it took me, like, 15 years to find that. I wasn't ready to get rid of it easy. You know? And I I discovered a couple of things.

If you're new, I tell this all the time. You know, the step says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. The big book says you need to concede to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic. And I tell people all the time, if I wasn't an alcoholic, I'm not doing the other 11. I mean, that's just me.

I'm not a nice kinda let's be merry, believe in God kinda guy naturally. You know? It's that first step gives me no choice but your way out. And, you know, as my good friend Tom I says, the level of your surrender in step 1 will be equally proportionate to the level of your results in steps 2 to 11. And I believe that wholeheartedly.

You have to know what your problem is before the solution will work. And so if you are new and you don't know if you're an alcoholic, I suggest you sit down with someone. Because, see, I know today things that make me different. See, at 16 years old, I was the lunatic who shaved his football number in one side of his head and the name of my team in the other, and I thought I was a good guy to bring out if you were gonna get into a fight with another town. You know, my high school yearbook had that section that says, I predict in 20 years.

I never, you know, if you're the chronic teenage alcoholic like I am, let me talk about the progression it talks about in the big book. When I was a 9th grader and I went to school on Monday morning, the only thing that consumed my mind was what's going on Friday night. When I was a 10th grader and I went to school on Monday mornings, really, the only thing that went through my mind is, what are we doing Thursday or Friday night? By the time I was a junior in high school, the only thing that went through my mind is I can't possibly wait till Thursday or Friday night. That's the progression of my illness.

By the time I was a senior, I rarely was in school on a Monday morning to begin with to even worry about that, but that's how my progression went. When I look back at my drinking, especially with the aid of an alcoholic who's been through the work, I know what made me mentally and physically different from my fellows. You ever put I see. I don't know when I'm in different parts of the country, but drinking games always killed me. Up north, we play a game called quarters where someone bounces a nice little quarter off a table, and it goes in a shot glass.

I mean, how painful is it to wait for some moron to get a quarter and a shot glass to point at me so I can drink, you know? And I'm supposed to believe that I'm being punished because you're telling me to drink. I mean, I never really got that concept. I still today don't understand the whole drinking game thing if you're an alcoholic like myself. You see, I'm the guy who, when I go to your mother's refrigerator at 11:30 at night, I take 2 beers, not one.

I put 1 in her tub of wear drawer, not tinfoil drawer, wherever. Because, see, when you're 17 years old and you're like me, you can be in a blackout listening to Sabbath, but that air going dry in a keg, I could hear that 50 feet away. You know what I mean? And at 2 o'clock in the morning, if you're a real alcoholic like I am, I cannot be 17 years old and have it be 2 o'clock in the morning and not have my own supply of alcohol. That does not equal out for a guy like me.

It's it's not a good idea. So, you know, I'm the kind of guy that, you know, other hard drinker teenagers, you know, let's just you know, you're listening to Ozzy. You're going to a party. Somebody's parents are away. There's gonna be 5 kegs there.

The 4 of the guys are happy. You see, I have to manipulate some way to go to 7:11 because I want the ease and comfort. See, I wanna be able to go get a backup 6 pack. I like walking in your parents' backyard and putting my 6 pack in your bushes where no one else knows it is. See, because I like having a keg hose in my hand, and I like having the ease and comfort that when this runs out, I'm okay.

That's the ease and comfort that I'm talking about when I'm drinking. Otherwise, my mind is obsessed with, this is gonna run out. And I can't have that happen until I black out and pass out. You know, I always say, as a 17 year old alcoholic, the 2 worst sounds in the world are a dry keg and a siren. Other than those two sounds, I'm okay.

But either one of those sounds has ruined a lot of good nights drinking of mine. So I know I was different. You know, back in the eighties, I date myself, metal detectors really weren't in yet. And I had this great 3 quarter length army jacket. It had all these inside pockets where you could fit like a 6 pack.

It had the Hu Quadrophenia symbol painted on the back, you know, and that was my winter attire. In the summer, I switched to my Levi Ozzie oil painting on the back of my dungaree jacket. But in the winter, I stuck with my green army jacket. And, you know, before metal detectors at concerts, they invented these things called pat down lines, where you would go through, like, this gauntlet of guys who would take you down. See, if you're a heavy drinker and you're 17 years old, and you're going to Van Halen or you're going to monsters of rock, See, it's more important for you to hear the music.

To you, the music is is top priority. If you're an alcoholic of my type as described in the big book, I love heavy metal, but I can't be inside there and depend upon someone else to keep my disease running. So I'm willing to risk the pat down line, you know, I'm willing to not make it in. And what I found out, and it still confuses me today is, when you get kicked out of a concert, that's a pretty fun crowd to hang out with in the parking lot. You ever hang out with them?

The 3 or 400 other people who haven't been allowed in. I mean, that is a good crowd of people. That is a good time. You know, I've had a lot of great nights in the parking lot of Giant Stadium and Brendon Burn Arena because I'm not a nice guy. You know?

I tell you that. Let me give you an example of my alcoholism, where it takes me. I remember Def Leppard, dead drummer, had a tragic accident. He lost an arm in a car accident. I was a teenager.

I was hammered going to that concert because once I start drinking, I cannot stop. Inside that concert, there was some guy sitting in front of me who was, like, had his own drumsticks with him and was playing the drums, and I was making fun of. He thought I was, like, he thought I was impressed. In fact, at one point, he turned around and gave me a set of drumsticks, like, I wanted to play along with him. Like, anyway, I had a long sleeve shirt on at the time, and I took my left arm and I put it inside my shirt to kinda make fun of the drummer who lost his arm.

And I knew this guy in front of me was such a big fan. That's a horrible thing to do. There's nothing kind or loving about that. There's nothing kind or loving about getting in a fight with your arm inside your shirt either. Let me tell you that.

But let me tell you, after he kicked my ass, then Brendan Byrne Arena Security kicked my ass. And then I went out to parking lot and got a beer, and I was okay. Yeah. You see, I suffer from a problem, and maybe some other people can identify. See, when I drink and I black out, by 3 o'clock in the morning, I pretty much lose control of just about every muscle in my body except for my mouth.

My mouth my mouth has the exact opposite. It's amazing. My mouth works better, more often, louder. So, you know, I told you that high school yearbook, I predict in 20 years, that nice hokey section that I was too cool to fill out. Well, if you got my high school yearbook, I could show it to you.

There are 2 about me. One says, Saint John's Hospital will dedicate a wing to Billy Ann, and the other says, Billy Ann will have broken every bone and torn every muscle ligament in his body. Now at the time when I was 18 or 17 years old and read that, I thought that meant I was a cool guy. I thought that meant I was the life of the party. I stand here today.

I have no left kidney. I have no spleen. My ribs have been kicked in because that mouth doesn't stop working when I'm laying on the concrete floor behind Patrick's Pub, and someone is kicking me and I have to get the last word in. Stitches, broken bones, the whole list. It's horrible.

It's horrible that 2 people had that great an insight into my life and that my disease had absolutely no idea. You know, and I'll end my drinking story by telling you this. I know, you know, I know why I drank. Just read the book. I don't need to do an hour stand upon it.

But I can tell you this, See, no matter how bad the consequences ever were, when I woke up the next day and stumbled it to to a 711 and maybe got a big gulp for my sore throat and a new pack of cigarettes and a Nestle's Crunch bar. I mean, because I needed nicotine, caffeine, and sugar. I lived on nicotine, caffeine, and sugar when I first woke up, which was usually, like, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. See, when I look back at the night before, my problem is is that I can always identify 15 minutes or a half an hour where drinking did for me what I wanted it to do. I look back at the night before, and there could be 14 hours of carnage on either side of that 15 minutes.

But inside that 15 minutes, I'm who I wanted to be. Every guy I thought was afraid of me or wanted to be like me, Every woman want to be with me. That 15 minutes, the figment of my imagination that it was, no matter how bad the consequences were, I couldn't live sober in my own skin. I was not comfortable in my own skin. And, you know, I'd love to tell you that that part of my life went away, but I wanna tell you a quick little sobriety story.

I'd wish I could say it's 13 years old. I'd love to say it's 13 years old. It's not. It's 4 years old, 5 years old, around 4 or 5. I had 2 knee surgeries in sobriety.

I went to the knee doctor for, like, my final visit, and he said, Bill, you should quit playing softball. I said, you're right. Just like I used to tell the probation officer, the social worker, the guidance counselor, you're right. I should quit drinking. You're right.

I should quit softball. I shouldn't play anymore. And what he was really saying was, Bill, you should grow up. You do not have the knees of an 18 year old anymore. Well, anyway, I showed up.

I was so proud of myself. All these meetings I went into in Chicago, you playing softball this year? Nope. Not me. I'm done.

You joining the softball league? Nope. I'm done. You're playing co ed? Nope.

I'm done with softball. So I'm walking to this AA picnic, and I'm walking down Lakeshore Drive, like, 6 months later. And I see what I can make out to be a pickup game. Like, there's a empty box of hamburgers for 3rd base all squished. There's somebody's shirt for 2nd base.

There's something else for 1st base. And you know what the first thought that went through my mind was? He was talking about league. He was, you know, he wasn't talking about a friendly game among members, AA. But let me tell you, I've been sober for 14 years.

I have yet to meet a friendly game among recovering people anywhere of anything. I don't care if it's spades, yukka, monopoly, trivial pursuit. I have yet to meet one of us that doesn't like to win. I'm looking for that person, but I I seem to be involved in a lot of games of a lot of us where we like to compete and we like to win. So I'm walking to that baseball field and, you know, it's amazing when you do enough inventories.

It's amazing and horrible depending on which way you look at it, and how your life is going. Because so there I am in left field, and there's a guy up at bat, and it's a 3rd inning. And what do I say to myself? Well, number 1, I don't like this guy. I've never met him, but I don't like him.

Now, what do my inventories tell me about that? Well, he's good looking, and my ego is given even the stretch that he could possibly be almost as good at me as softball. Like, that's the kind of chronic ego that you could have that I have in my head. So I don't like him at all. So he's up and he rips a wicked line drive.

Now if you've played ball as long as I have, you would know that you're gonna catch this on one hop and throw it to the 2nd basement, and he would be stuck at first. Now this is not an exaggeration. This is the truth. That night, about 5 hours later, as I was limping severely to my car with dried blood all over my knee and my sock and my shorts. And my knee was, like, this big, and the empty ziplock bag that the hamburgers were in.

I now had an empty and stuff with ice and duct tape around my knee. And as I was walking in severe pain, the only thought that went through this sick mind was that may have been the greatest catch I have ever made. You know? Really. It's the only thought that went through it.

And I said to myself, and it's worth all this pain. You know? No different than my drinking. You know? It doesn't matter how I woke up.

It doesn't matter what happened the night before. Consequences will never stop me from picking up. And, you know, I I love the first time I met Chris and heard him speak. I'm not afraid to talk about the good things that happened to me in recovery. I'm not afraid of going back to jail.

I'm not afraid of eating room service room food off of a room service cart that someone already ate. That stuff is survival. We are survivalists. I often say if I had my own country and I had a special forces, it would be made up of alcoholics because you can't kill us. You know, it's it's it's amazing.

You know? It's amazing. Amazing. You know? And and some of us die from this disease.

And and and my heart goes out to the people who died from this disease. But it is amazing those of us who should have died many, many times. And, god, do we just keep coming back for more pain and more pain. And, you know, I came to AA when I was 15 years old. AA is not like the attractive place when you're 15.

I remember being 15 years old, sitting in a church basement, somebody flicking out the lights, this, like, old person at the time was 40 something came out with a sheet cake on their arms with candles, and all these adults started singing happy birthday. And I was like, this is exactly what I thought AA was and exactly why I want no part of it. You know? Like, I had no idea. You know, when I heard a guy say one time in AA, he didn't get hangovers anymore.

So I was like, woah. This is why I'm here today. I need to learn this, whatever he's gonna say, because I break ice cube trays on my mother's kitchen table on beach towels and roll them up and put them on my head I'm so hungover. And he said, he doesn't get hangovers anymore because he doesn't drink a day at a time. That seemed a little drastic for a case like me.

About a month later, I met this really hot bartender, and she told me that I didn't prepare to drink good enough, that I didn't coat my stomach, I didn't put a big glass of ice water on my nightstand. I didn't put 2 extra strength Tylenols. That seemed more workable for a guy like me. Except, I loved what he said this morning about insanity. I love that knowing what's gonna happen and doing it anyway.

Because how many nights did I go out doing that? And the next morning, the water spilt. I don't even know if I took the aspirin. There's 2 empty tall boys, a Budweiser that I'd stopped at a 711 for travelers on the way home. There's empty white castle boxes.

I mean, that you know, but I'm gonna try that again. I'm gonna see if it works because, you know, I just and what I learned in AA, AA is an amazing place. You see, if you're a young alcoholic like I was, you start to learn that your life is not going down the yellow brick road. And so the first time I got sent to outpatient treatment, I noticed the guys who threw out the slang, the a slang, they seem to get a little bit of leeway. I seem to always get picked on.

Like, they would say, oh, yeah. I went to a big book meeting. I went to a beginners meeting. I went to the meeting after the meeting. I'm working the steps out of the book with my sponsor.