The 34th Midwinter Conference in Midland, TX

Thank you, Meg. My name's Keith Lewis. I'm an alcoholic. And in the spirit of the wonderful recovery that comes out of Texas, by the grace of God and a fellowship of alcoholics anonymous in a succession of 3 pretty tough sponsors, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since May 13, 1973. For that I am very grateful.

I just love West Texas. I love coming here. I love the kind of sobriety you have here. And I really wanna thank Bill and, the rest of the committee for inviting me. It's such a privilege to, to be here and to carry the message, as halting as it is of, my recovery in this marvelous organization called Alcoholics Anonymous.

I, left the, bed of one of my best friends, yesterday morning. Alcoholics Anonymous has, given me everything. When I came to AA, I was the most isolated, self absorbed, self centered human being, I have ever known. It was always about me, and it was my pain and it was so intense. It's all I could think about.

And, I was sober pretty close to a year and ended up carrying the message, as part of our, public awareness program in the Washington DC area. We we would go to churches and talk about Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and I I ended up going there with a very funny man who had everybody laughing. And it was a Baptist church, and that's no mean feat to yeah. Everybody laughing.

And, and, when it was all over, we went for a cup of coffee. And, his name was Mike Way. And and, and he said to me over this cup of coffee, he said, would you be my prayer partner? Well, you have to know, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, one of those religiously anti religious types, you know, the kind, you know, sitting around just waiting to be offended. And, and, you know, it doesn't take long in AA.

And, and and and and I said to him, I said, I'm not much into prayer. And he said, well, that's okay. He said, I'll pray, you partner. And, and I began a relationship that, this lasted now. It'll be 30 years next month.

And, and he's he introduced me, down in, Rosas River, 2 years ago. And, I continue to discover things about myself and about my friends in Alcoholics Anonymous. And he introduced me, and and he told a story I had never heard after all these many, many thousands of hours we spent together. He said when he was 8 years old, his mother went to hospital and promised to bring him back a little brother. And, and unfortunately, the baby was stillborn.

And, she came back, and he said, where's my little brother? And she said, he went home to see god, but, god will god always pays things back, and god will give you a little brother. And, and his little brother, was still born in August of 1943, and I was born August 22, 1943. And he told that story, and, and he said, so God gave me a little brother, and I couldn't talk. And, Mike is very near the end.

He's in hospice. And it's just a privilege to have had friendships like that, this guy who came in and didn't want anybody and didn't need anybody. And now I'm a human being that's totally dependent upon God and the people around me. I generate nothing. An old friend of mine, Buck Doyle, who who's been gone for some time now from Washington DC, said to me one time, he said, he said, you're a college boy.

You're a pretty bright boy. He said, the book said God has all power. How much do you have? And I said, none. He said, you're a genius, kid.

You're a genius. So I wanna dedicate, as I've dedicated my life to Alcoholics Anonymous, I wanna dedicate this talk to my my big brother, Mike Way, who may or may not be there when I get back. What I have had this last week is a privilege of spending hours with him every day, and we truly become prayer partners. And we read scripture together. We go to church together.

We've done everything. And, it's been my privilege to hold his hand and we pray our daily rosary together. And, and there's a grace emanates from that man. He's he's always been someone who's totally dedicated to service and to doing things for others. And, I would love to spend whatever time I have left emanating him.

You know, I was born in a small town in Ohio. I always like to say, if we have anybody from California, I always like to remind him that that's where AA started. And, just kidding, Donna. And, Donna's our speaker tomorrow. She carries a wonderful message.

And, but, but I'm the, eldest son and the second child in the family of 11 children. I'm Irish. I won't tell you what church we went to. But, I had I had something to do with bingo, but I'm not gonna say anymore. Okay?

And, and, and I would have told you that I grew up in poverty. And, you know, nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing could be further from the truth. You know, I had a mother who every day, I let her would hug me and kiss me and tell me she loved me. And I had a father who every day I let him would spend time with me.

And, but I was born selfish and self centered, looking out for number 1. And, and I miss so much. Thank God I have memory, and I can go back and replay it. Nothing's lost forever. I can go back and replay those marvelous times, and we had some odd things.

We did some odd things as a family. Every night we prayed a family rosary together. Before dinner every night, my mother, who never finished high school, would give us a grammar lesson. And, I remember, some years back, shortly before she passed away, she went in for surgery. And we were all in Pittsburgh at the hospital, and we're all standing around.

And they'd given her the the joy juice before they took her into surgery. So she was somewhere out there, and they're they're willing her into surgery. And she said, stop. And she and she got up on one elbow somehow, and she said, boys, look at me. She always said that when she really meant it.

You know? And she said, never never never end a sentence with a preposition. And the doctor said, I never heard anybody say that before going into surgery. So I I I just I lived in a home that, it was chaotic, of course, when you have that many little people running around. It's gonna it's gotta be chaotic.

But it was marvelous, but I could never see it. I had this this this spiritual illness that that causes blindness that, meant that I couldn't see the magnificent things around me, the love by which I was surrounded. My mother would, every night, our house was sort of the house that all the kids went to if things weren't good at home. And, if if dad was drunk, the kids would come running to our house. And, and my mother would, line us up when it was time to take baths and showers, and the girls would use the bathroom upstairs, and and the boys would go through the shower down in the basement.

And she had bins, and we throw our dirty clothes in. And she'd wash clothes at night so when the kids got up, they'd have their clean clothes to put on the next day. And then we'd all be in bed. There'd be 2 or 3 of us in a bed, you know, and, and she'd come from room to room and read us a story and pray with us. And, she loved to read particularly poetry.

And and one of her favorite poems was, Thomas Lowell's vision of Sir Launfold, and that was a marvelous, story. But we never heard the end of it because she could never get past one particular phrase. It was about a knight who had it all. He had the best castle and everything, and and he was gonna go and search the holy grail. And he was a very proud man, and he had the best armor and the most magnificent horse.

And, and he left his castle, and there was a beggar there, and asked him for some help. And he tossed him a gold coin because he was important, and he had to be on his way. And, things didn't go well for him, and 20 years later, he came back totally defeated, old and sick and broken and, on a very rickety horse. And, and it was a beggar with leprosy standing outside the gate, and he got off his horse and he used his wooden cup and he dipped water out of the stream and gave it to him, and he shared his bread with him. Then he cut his cloak in half and put them around him, and, and, and a beggar turned into Christ.

And and there's a line that says, not what we give but what we share. The gift without the giver is bare. And my mother could never get past that. She'd break into tears and we'd all break into laughter. And, yeah.

Tell us one about the night, mom. Uh-huh. You know? I I was also a kid with a horrible speech impediment. No one could understand anything I said except people who love me the most.

And we didn't have things like speech therapists and things. I guess they had them, but we sure didn't have them in Martins Ferry, Ohio. I can tell you that. So, so I had a very there was a very kind nun who was my first grade teacher, and, and she would spend time with me and have me do these exercises. I'd wrap my tongue around a pencil and try to say words.

And and then finally, she took me over to the public library and and and she, told the library I was with her. And and, we told her we wanted records of someone who spoke very good English. Now they were they had, red records, and, you could get great people's speeches and things. And, and so this lady said, well, there's a man named Winston Churchill that does a reasonable job with English. And, so I got 3 big records of Winston Churchill's, and and I go home and I play a sentence and I pick up the arm of the the I'd like to say stereo, but then it was a victor.

And, I'd pick up the arm and I'd repeat it, and then I'd play it again, and then I'd repeat it. And, and I was the only kid in the Ohio Valley with a British accent. And then I I guess I have to tell you about my first drink. I think it's important to talk about drinking. You know, there if you haven't had your first drink, hard to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, there's some people I have my doubts about, but that's another story. But, I had my first drink when I was 5. And, I didn't go I wasn't I was at home. I didn't go out a lot when I was 5. And, and, my mother was away.

She was either to bingo or having a baby or something, and and, dad was watching us. And, and I was with my brother, dumb Denny. He's a year younger. And, and, and I guess dad thought it would be funny. We rarely had alcohol around the house because my parents had parent both had parents who would qualify to be here, I think.

And so there was really alcohol around our house, but there were some beers in the refrigerator. And I guess dad thought it would be cute, so he we all had a beer. And, nothing happened to me. Denny, on the other hand, was having a spiritual awakening. And, and I remember he slid out of his chair, and he's rolling around under the table, and he was singing Mary Had A Little Lamb and other drinking songs.

And, and and I my father panicked, and he wrestled him into his jammies, and, took him up and put him in bed. And, and I went up and got ready for bed, and Danny was singing and carrying on. He was standing up in his little bed singing and everything. And I'll never forget this. Danny urinated on her bedroom floor.

And I remember watching him thinking, you know, there's a kid who's powerless over alcohol and his life has become unmanaged for you. And, you know, it's a sad story, but Denny just never made it. You know, there are some people who have great potential and they never develop. And, there might even be 1 or 2 people in his room like that. But, he just never made it.

It's a saddest story. He grew up and did the oddest things. Then he went to 1 university. It gets worse. He had one major.

He graduated in 4 years. I never heard of it. It just say graduated in 4 years. Yeah. And and and he he was offered like 8 jobs and he took one.

And, you know, and about 8 years ago now, he retired as a senior vice president in a large international corporation. And the strangest thing of all is he married one woman. Here's a guy I had to roll in the palm of his hands when he was 4 years old. He just let it slip through his fingers and, I had to work at this thing. I was, I was 21 years old before I urinated on a bedroom floor for the first time.

And so You know, I I I guess at a time like this, as I think about my brother Michael and and and things, I guess I think about the people who've been in my life and and and, you know, Don's talk, this morning and, and Sherry last night and about the how we god does line it up and how he puts the people in our lives. And and and, you know, and without a doubt, that's true for me. There there was a a woman who was a nun who, was our librarian at the little high school I went to in Valera, Ohio, and her name was Sister Victoria. Sister Victoria is one of these really strange birds. She had a concept of life that was absolutely foreign to me.

She had no idea how bad things were. She would run around saying things like, every boy is a prince and every girl is a princess because we have a father who's a king. And of course, we'd laugh at her behind her back and things. And, and she was our librarian. And and when you serve detention, which I did a fair amount, you did it in the library.

And I I was they termed me mischievous. I think if we'd had any money, I think I'd have been diagnosed as an acting out adolescent. We were poor, so I was just a punk. And, and and and what we did when we served detention was we made rosary beads. You know, those are things that Catholics pray on, and so they give you wire and pliers and beads and and all this stuff.

And you sit back and make rosary beads, and then they'd send them to the missions. My rosary beads were unique. I spent a lot of time in Sister Victoria's library, and, and she used to put me behind a magazine rep. She said I was a prince, but I was contagious. And, and I provoked other students And, so I'd sit back there and make these rosary beads, and I got quite good at it.

And, my rosary beads were different. They're supposed to have 10 beads in every decade. Mine had 11. And, and, you know, in 4 years, I had 100 of mutant rosary beads all over the world. And, and, you know, I was supposed to I it's time to graduate, much to everyone's surprise.

And, and, I had to tell her what I've been doing. You know, you can't do that and not let them know because it would be as though you wasted 4 years of your life. And so I went to her and I said, Sister Victoria, you know what I've been doing the last 4 years? And she said, yes, you sly little prince. She said, you've been making rosary beads with extra beads in all the decades, and I know why you've been doing it.

And I remember thinking, I hope she tells me because I have the foggiest notion of why I do this. And she said, people all over the world are praying extra prayers, and God's gonna give you all the credit. Don't you just hate people like that? And, I I I had the privilege of speaking at the, Kentucky State Convention, the year before last or last year. I'm sorry.

And, and a lady came up to me and said, I've been saving this for you, and she handed me an obituary of sister Victoria Shea who died at 101 years of age. And and, she was everything in my life because she was the first person who confronted me with the reality that, god had a job for me. And, that day that we talked about the rosary bead, she took both her hands in my hands and she looked me in the eye. She's, she was an eye person. A lot of those around AA now and on but, I was a shoe person.

I like to look at at shoes and, but she looked me in the eye and she said, you're a very special child of God, and one day he's gonna use you to go around the world and tell his children how very much he loves them. And I was terrified. I was terrified and, she scared me to death. And she showed me that on her beat, she had put a medal, medal of Saint Jude, who was a patron saint of difficult cases. And, and, and she said, I've been praying, my beads and every for the last 4 years, and every time I get to this to this meadow, I say a prayer for you.

And, and I don't know why she picked me out, but she did, and I'm so profoundly grateful. I don't know why people pick me out, but they do. They've always been there. Mike asking me to be his prayer partner. I mean, it's just amazing things.

There's things that just can't happen. Our friend, Happy Harold, from Washington, DC, who stopped me walking by his table, going out maybe to die. The people have always been there, and I am profoundly grateful. I, joined the Marine Corps because, I didn't know what else to do. Actually, I took an inventory, and I was 5 feet, 1 inches tall, and I weighed a £113.

And whatever else I was, I was a born killer. That was clear to anybody. And so I joined the Marine Corps. And, I had no no earthly idea. I I didn't know anything about anything, and I didn't think you could ask.

I thought I was supposed to know. So, I just acted like I knew what was going on. And and what I did was I'd watch other people, and I did what they did so quickly. It looked like we were doing it together. And, and I I went over and and to Wheeling, West Virginia and went and saw the marine recruiter and signed up.

And, and I forgot to tell my parents. I meant to. It just slipped my mind and, didn't seem important at the time. And, so the recruiter showed up at my house because my parents had to sign I wasn't yet 18 years of age. And my poor mother almost died.

She just came apart. And, my dad said to me, you sure you wanna do this, son? I said, dad, I've been thinking about this a long time. You know, an hour and a half, I thought about it. And, so they signed, and, and my mother cried all night.

I'll never forget. I could hear her in the next room and she kept saying, Scott, they'll kill them. They'll kill them. And my, dad kept saying, don't worry, Pat. They won't take them.

So with that vote of confidence, the next morning we'd we didn't have a family car, so we took a taxicab over across the river to Wheeling, West Virginia, and I got on a Greyhound bus and went to Pittsburgh, which was 60 miles away, and it was the 2nd longest journey I'd ever been on. And, and there were 3 guys from Pittsburgh who also joined that day and, but they knew what was going on. And, we were sworn in and we had about 12 hours before the train left. And, and so I went, they said, kid, we're gonna go over and have a sandwich and a couple of beers. And I said, that's just what I was thinking.

And, and so I went with them and I went into a bar and, that of course is where my life changed. Somewhere between the second and third drink, my life changed. And it changed in a way that was to dictate the terms of my life. All that fear left me. That sense that I didn't belong was gone.

Everybody who's alcoholic knows that feeling. Incredible shift. It's a monumental dynamic shift. You heard it described beautifully last night at the meeting. And I knew that I was okay.

And I not only I was okay, that I had a lot to give and I was running around that bar in Pittsburgh explaining life to people. I was, you know, explaining about men and women, about God, about the Marine Corps. The only thing I knew about the Marine Corps is they took a certain number of men down to South Carolina and drown them in a swamp every once in a while. That's all I knew. And but I was just explaining it to him anyway.

I made it up as I went. And, and so and then we went and got on the train. Now that's an assumption. I assume I got on the train because I woke up on the train and, I was lying on the floor of the Pullman coach that the Marine Corps had been kind enough to provide me with. And, someone had wet the floor I was lying on and whoever it was, they had wet me too.

And, so I got up and changed clothes and got off the train, and we're in Washington, DC. And, the guy said to me, what are you gonna do? I said, I'm gonna go find something to drink. I'd become a leader. And they followed me over.

We found a bar that served booze early in the morning and, we drank till the train left. And then I drank on the train till I got to South Carolina and I fell off the train in a place called Yamasee. If you hadn't been there, I wouldn't bother. But, somebody moved the bottom step. I don't know what happened.

I fell across the next set railroad tracks and it was a very rude man they'd sent to greet us. And he was hurling obscenities at myself and the other young men who went down there to die for their country. And, and I got up and I brushed myself off and I tried to explain grasp what it was I was trying to get across to him. He, but I they say you can learn from everything. And what I learned from that is you can do a lot of push ups drunk.

That's what I learned throughout the year. In case you're interested, you can do push ups and throw up at the same time. And, and, and the next morning, they, put us on a bus and they took us across a bridge a place called Perris Island. And and I have to tell you this, if there was any doubt about my sanity before this, this will wrap it up. I loved it.

I loved everything about it. I'm not kidding you. And I often wondered why. I mean, I took to it like a Doctor Water. I won Dress Blues Award, Outstanding Man's Award.

I mean, I just cleaned up on Parris Island. I grew about 3 inches and gained £30. I mean, I've just took off. And, and I decided I'd spend the rest of my life in the Marine Corps if they'd have me. And, it was magnificent.

And, and I I I think I discovered after I got into Alcoholics Anonymous why that was so. You know, I didn't realize this, but, my whole life, I'd been a guy who'd been looking for someone to give directions to. And I think that's why I took off in Alcoholics Anonymous, because I I had always been looking for directions. And I didn't realize that. I didn't know that.

I always thought I wanted to do it my way, but what I was was too afraid to ask. And the Marine Corps has a real clear sense of what it is they want you to do, and they're not a bit shy about sharing it with you. So, and I've I've discovered it. I'm a doer. That's what I I am.

I'm a doer. And, and I'm not some creative genius or anything. What I am is a doer. And if somebody says, go do that, I go and do it. And I've had sponsors who say, go do that, and I go and do it.

The Marine Corps is real big on, go do that. And I went and did it. And, you know, I I spent 4 years and, every promotion I got was a meritorious promotion. I came in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd in every school I went to. I volunteered for every combat, assignment there was.

I was in Cuba during the missile crisis, Santo Domingo crate, all over the place. And, every time something was happening, I wanted to go there. I volunteered for Vietnam in 1963, but I was still a teenager. And, they said we can't afford to get teenagers killed over there. They changed their minds a few years later.

But, but, but I just always wanted to be where the action was, and I just loved the marine corps. And what I've discovered about my disease, this thing called alcoholism, is that what I'll do is fall in love with a way of life. I'm you know, we're an enthusiastic lot of people. And then gradually or not so gradually, I'll violate every principle associated with being, whatever that is. And then I'll leave whatever it is and I'll blame them for what happened to me.

And that's what happened to me in the marine corps. I ended up leading a patrol and combat in a blackout. Took fire and returned fire, I'm told. And, nobody was hurt, fortunately, but but it terrified me. And so I got out and I blamed the Marine Corps for what had happened to me.

And then I went on and I went to work in a steel mill. And a few months later, I left that and ended up, working at a Jesuit theologian near Baltimore. And I was tutored and went to school. I mean, it's just there's a man who's still a professor at, Ignatius College, and, but he was at, he was finishing up his studies, for the priesthood. And, he was a geneticist, PhD geneticist, and a PhD Athhesian.

And I'm just a genius, PhD theologian, genius of a man, a Jesuit. And, basically, he took me under his wing and taught me so much. He not only taught me genetics and chemistry and things like that, he taught me how to order a meal. I had no idea what came first. I didn't know that you started on the outside with the utensils and worked in.

I didn't know any of those things. You don't learn that stuff when you grow up in poverty. And, he's a kind, wonderful man. And, he was a man I worked for when I hit bottom and, got help. And had I worked for anybody else I know, I'd have been gone, long gone.

You know, I, I met and, to the best of my ability, fell in love with a woman. And, we were married, and we had a beautiful little girl named Kelly who had a good sense to be born in the afternoon and her her dad was sober. And then we, 9 months later to the day, 9 months later, our second daughter was born and she didn't have the good sense to, to be born in the afternoon. And matter of fact, she was 3 months premature when she was born. And, her father was passed out on the living room floor in his underwear watching the test pattern on TV, which was one of my favorite occupations.

And and it and this little thing decided it was time to be born. And, and her mother was in a panic as you might imagine, and she was trying to wake me up and she threw water on me and everything. And finally, she called the neighbors who came over to help wake me up. And I was mortified and angry and in a rage. And I put her in a car and I sped across Washington DC with the blinkers going as dramatic as I could make it and charged into the hospital where I worked at Georgetown University and, demanded they take care of my wife, which was a joke.

It was a drunken sod who brought her there, cared only about himself. And, and that little thing was born and she weighed less than £2. And, and, I did what I knew how to do. I left and I went home and I went to bed. And, my wife called me in tears and said, please come back.

Our baby's gonna die. I need you. I need you here. And I was so angry. I couldn't believe it.

What I understand now is is, there was nothing left inside of me. Alcohol had washed away all the decency I've been taught by those wonderful parents and those wonderful priests and nuns and the wonderful people that surrounded me my entire life. And alcohol dissolved all the decency inside of me, and I knew nothing about how to deal with life. And and I stormed into the hospital, and the chief resident, a woman named Mary Kate Dabbit, and and I knew Mary Kate as Mary Kate Witte because Mary Kate was the valedictorian of my high school class. And here she is, not in Ohio, you know, but in Georgetown University, the chief resident of neonatal nursery, where my my new baby was struggling for life.

And she said, Keith, she she called me aside and she said, we have an experimental machine. She said, it just came in a few days ago. And we got together with the engineers and we put it together yesterday, And we'd like to put your baby on it. She said, no, I don't think it'll make any difference. She said, I don't think she'll live in either case, but we would like to try.

And I said, what did her mother say? And she said, look, and her mother is walking up and down the hall with a 1000 yard stairs, essentially in a state of shock. And I said, well, do whatever you think you need to do. And, so they put her on the machine. And the next 3 days taught me everything I needed to know about myself.

We had an office across from the neonatal nursery. I I was a supervisor of the genetics laboratories there then. And and, we had an office that we used because we did so much work in the nurseries. And, I sat in that office at night with the lights out and the door slightly ajar watching periodically go in and reach inside and touch her little girl. And periodically go in and reach inside and touch her little girl and sob and sob and sob.

And I knew what to do. So, yeah, my father was the greatest father who ever lived, and I know what he'd have done. Scott Lewis would have gone in and he put his arm around his wife and he just said, Pat, with God we can do anything. So it isn't that I didn't know. It's just that I didn't have anything inside of me.

I was totally without anything inside of me. And, and I watched my wife go in and baptize a little angel because they didn't think she lived through the night. And, and I ran down to a chapel. I hadn't been in a chapel in a long time. Because I had figured God out if there was a God.

God waited to find out what you really wanted, and he took it from you as some sort of a cruel joke. And, that's how sick and cynical I have become. That's how I know alcoholism is a spiritual illness. But I went into this chapel and I got on my knees before the tabernacle, a place that I spent a lot of time as a kid because I loved the concept of God being present to me and listening to me. And because I knew he no matter how bad I talked, he could understand me.

And, I begged God to change save my little girl's life, and I begged him. And I said, if you'll do anything, I'll I'll do anything if you'll save her life. If you save her life, I'll never drink again. And I was drunk in 12 hours. And I never wanna forget that I drank when I thought drinking would kill my little girl.

Am I powerless over alcohol? You bet I am. And, you know, I, later took a degree in philosophy and theology, and, and I studied a philosopher, a Frenchman, and mathematician named Blaise Pasquale. And Blaise Pasquale said God created man in his own image and unfortunately, man returned the favor. And I had returned I had created a God who would kill a little girl cause her dad was sick and that's not the god I serve today.

And, she didn't die. She lived and and, we were told she'd be retarded and and, you know, she's an honor graduate from Auburn University. I like to kid her and say, I think you can be retarded and be an honor graduate from Auburn University, but She's this marvelous young lady who, who's married to a wonderful young man and he's a dentist and she's a teacher and, they have 2 beautiful little daughters. And, you know, when her second daughter was, she was carrying her second daughter, I was speaking down in the Florida Panhandle and, and, I called her to see how she was doing. And I live in Alabama in, Fairhope, and I called her to see how she was doing.

And she was crying, and she said, daddy, she said, I have, kidney stones, and it's causing contractions. And and I think the baby might come early, and I'm afraid she'll be like me. I was able to say to her, if she'll be like you, you're the luckiest parent in the world. And, an AA member loaned me her car, and I drove 4 hours. And I got to hold my little girl, and we prayed and we talked.

And, and then I drove back just in time to speak. The committee was a little nervous. I, and her second little daughter was born, and she's absolutely perfect. Just wonderful. Just like her mother.

It's clear that, that you can't live like this for long. And one day, my wife asked me to leave, and and I remember I was hurt, and I was also greatly relieved. And I went to where I needed to go, which was the Skid Row section of Washington, DC. And I was living in the basement of a house. And one day, May 13, 1973, I got up for, what, I got up and went into, what, passed for a bathroom.

And I had a medicine cabinet full of drugs. I, I know this will break some of your hearts, but, I could get all the drugs I wanted and I never took them. I know it's the saddest story ever heard, but, I thought if God made anything better than alcohol, he kept it for himself. And and but I decided I'd take everything. And, and, I screamed out loud.

And I understand now that that prayers come in all forms and God hears desperate people. Whatever they say, he hears it as a prayer. I'm convinced of that. And, I said, I'm 20 29 years old. At least it'll be over.

And a woman spoke to me, and it was as clear as anything I'd ever heard in my life. And it broke through the fog, and this voice said, your 29 is just starting. And I was almost shocked awake, and I remembered that my, estranged wife had given me a phone number and said, I can't help you. Maybe these people can. And I had no idea who they were.

And I went out and I pulled the drawer out and I fell on the floor and I'm crawling around on my knees sobbing like an idiot terrified and find this number. And I called and it happened to be a little treatment center that was started by my friend Ernie, the attorney. And, and he did it because he loved alcoholics and, and I had the privilege of going up and doing a retreat for them a couple years ago. And, there was a lady on the other end of the phone named Dorothy who had a British accent. And, I don't know why I always felt comforted by British accents.

Maybe it's because I The Red Record, but, you know, we had to run them out of here a couple of times. And, but, she knew how to talk to me. And, and I, they told me that they could take me in 3 days. And she said, do you need help stopping drinking? And I said, no.

And I turned around after I hung up the phone and I looked. There was nearly a full bottle of scotch on my draining board. And, and I ran over and I grabbed it and I began to pour it out and I knew I wouldn't. But I knew if I took one drink, I'd die and knowing I would die would never keep me from drinking. And I stepped back and I hurled the bottle as hard as I could and it shattered in the sink.

And if the, bottle had bounced, you'd have a different speaker this morning. And and what I, what I did was, I discovered the most important lesson that I've ever discovered except that God loves me. And that is that if I take one drink, I'll die and no now die will never keep me from drinking. This morning, I ran back to return a call that my wife had told me about last night from a young lady, and she was telling me she's sober a year and a half. And she said, I I go to church and I go to AA, but I feel like I'm being called to church.

So I thought I'd leave AA. And I was able to say to her, I'd say, you know, I go to church. I'm very active in my church. And I said, well, you know, my church doesn't treat alcoholism. I said, AA treats alcoholism.

And I said, I do get to 12 step some people in my church, but, AA is where I get to carry the message. And I said, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. I just finished listening to an Al Anon talk so I had to You know, I knew. Couldn't tell her what to do. Right, Dawn?

And, yeah. And, but I just said to her, I said, I'll pray for you, and I said, I'll be glad to talk to you anytime you wanna call and talk to me about it. I said, but I don't think it's an accident that God puts us in Alcoholics Anonymous and gives us a year and a half sobriety. Because I remember a year and a half is a very dangerous time. You know, it's I was going to leave and go and become magnificent and, be the greatest researcher who ever lived and all the rest of it.

And and something intervened. It's again, it saved my life. A woman intervened to save my life. A woman who had had the same experience and drank it a year and a half and was able to share it with me, and it terrified me. And from that day to this, I've never been tempted to leave Alcoholics Anonymous.

But at any rate, I just fell in love with this place. It took me about 3 weeks. We came back from a meeting one night to that treatment center, and I said to my said to my roommate, I said, I love those people. I said, I wanna be just like them. And he said, My God, they brainwashed you.

I said, Thank goodness because if anybody's brain needs washing it's fine. And, you know, but but I discovered that if I take one drink, I'll die, and knowing I'll die will never keep me from drinking. The only thing that keeps me from drinking is is the maintenance of spiritual condition and sharing what I have. I sponsor a fellow who's sober coming up on 5 years now. He's been really struggling.

I've been sponsoring him about 9 months now. He's really been struggling. And, and he's one of these people who's absolutely convinced if he can just figure out and solve his problems, that he'll be okay. And the minute he gets his problems figured out and solved, then he can help somebody else. And, I told him I said, when you get your problems all figured out, come and sponsor me because I haven't done that yet.

What I do is you get old enough, you forget your problems. But but what's happened, of course, is that, I got him interested and involved with working with other people. And and I told him I said, you know, we don't know what we know till somebody else needs it. And, we don't know what we have till we see someone who doesn't have it. And he's he's come on fire.

He's just he's just taken off. He's on fire. And, you know, I always thought that, that, sobriety was about solving problems. I go to meetings where they'll actually start the meeting. Anybody here have a problem?

You know? And I like to put my hand up and they go, oh, no. And I said, I got alcoholism. I said, anybody know what to do with alcoholism? And, you know.

You know, it it makes me crazy. I mean, it's like, you know, problem solving meetings. Anybody have a problem? Yes. Mother had a square nipple.

And, you know, you know, 50 untrained psychiatrists take a shot at it, and and, and, you know, and people will say, well, when I go to meetings and I share, I feel better. I said, of course, you feel better. Your ego has just been stroked. Of course, you feel better. You've had people pay attention to you.

Of course you feel better. I said, if you didn't feel better after people paid attention to you, you wouldn't be an alcoholic, you know. I was lucky, you know. I I I came out of treatment, and and and I I ended up going to a meeting, and I thought now treatment's a wonderful thing. I love it.