The 20th Annual Singles Conference in Lake Murray, OK

Hi, everybody. My name is Susan Dillon. I'm an alcoholic. What's up, Susan? My name is Susan Dillon.

I'm a very stiff alcoholic. I wanna apologize in advance if I knock you in the head or step on your toes or anything. I had surgery a few weeks ago, and I'm pleased to announce that it's not the result of a drunken mishap. Because I have to get some some things done on my I've been sober by the grace of a very loving god since September 9, 1997. For that, I am truly grateful.

And I just have to tell you, I feel like a really big deal with this water up here. This is really nice. I wanna thank the committee for having me. I'm very honored and just thrilled to get to be here with you and thrilled to get to make new friends. So thank you, whoever was responsible for that.

I always feel the need in the beginning to go ahead and apologize upfront because the the first part of my story is tough for me to say, and it's tough to hear. Most of the time, everyone's looking at the floor in the beginning because they don't quite know where I'm going with this, and I understand that. But I just wanna tell you that I don't know how to, truly describe the miracles that God has done for me without telling you what I was like when I came to this program. So, stick close together and hold hands and you'll be alright. I was born to a a very sick mom and dad.

Crazy sick, very abusive, very dysfunctional family. And I mean, like, way dysfunctional. In fact, Laura wasn't kidding when she said she almost drank when she heard my fist step problem. I we we lived a life. I had 3 older siblings and I was the youngest and I was the worst type person to be born in that kind of family because I was very, and still am, very sensitive, got my feelings hurt easily, I cried if a bug died, you know.

I it just wasn't it wasn't a good match for this group. And so I had lots and lots of tragedy in my life. And and on top of that, to be it, I was just extremely sensitive and it really, I believe, destroyed my life and truly believed that there was no hope forever being happy. And most people that I encountered through this journey joined me in that belief if I just threw out one little little tidbit of information. They're like, you're screwed, you know, I don't know what to tell you.

But, I I didn't go to school very often because I was too beat up to go to school. I was on this kinda homeschool thing and, I I started I don't have a first drink story. I don't have a time in my life I don't remember drinking. My father gave me alcohol because he thought it made me more cooperative when he crept into my room. I went to school once and I was I was walking funny and I had, like, stuffed paper towels down my pants and was walking funny.

The teacher called my mom and we told her I had a foot condition. We were always lying. Hell, I didn't even know what the truth was. We just made up stuff all the time and we could rattle those lies off like he would not believe it. So my mom started giving me Valium so that I could walk across the room without drawing any attention.

Now, I thought these were the reasons I was an alcoholic. So I thought in order to not be an alcoholic, I had to make those reasons not be. Well, I would be screwed if that were the the way you got sober because I can't make those things not be. They're always gonna be. When I was 8 years old, I don't know exactly what happened, but my father was arrested for sexually abusing me.

And he got out on bail and that my brother and I came home from school and found him shot in the head. And, like and he had written this note and it said that he knew it was time to to quit when his own little girl turned against him. And I took that and I put it down in my pants because I was afraid if someone read it, I would go to jail. I took responsibility for for everything like that. And, I had an older brother who also committed suicide and a mother who committed suicide.

And I just I just need to tell you, if you ever go in a psych hospital, you might wanna not mention that because they will take your shoelaces right off the bat. That's a big red flag when you go in there, but, I when I was little, we had this thing that my parents called bad girl jail and there was a a thing cut out of the floor and it was underneath the house. And I would be in there for I don't even know how long. It seemed like forever and bugs and yuck and gross. And I would do this thing where I would pretend this whole story in my mind about when I grew up.

When I grow up, I'm gonna have a nice house. It's gonna have wood floors and a garage door that goes up and down. I was fascinated by that. It's gonna have big trees. I'm gonna have lots of friends who I love and who love me back and I would just for hours just go through this whole thing, this pretend thing in my mind.

And the most important pretend thing I said was I was gonna be a mother and in my house, no child would be afraid or would be hurt or would ever have to walk around in fear and we would be they'd be safe and happy and I would just go, finally. So I was a very good student, luckily, because I'd probably not be standing here. I'd been killed if I hadn't, but I was a very good student and I got through school easily and quickly. Graduated from high school before I could drive. I went to college, got lots of master's degrees.

That was my plan was to fix myself by by going to school. So I've learned whatever I needed to do to fix it. So, I always felt the need to apologize when I first started telling my story. I always felt the need to apologize because I was never arrested or went to jail and I would and like somehow that I wasn't qualified to be here. So I just need to go ahead and own that right off the bat.

I haven't been to prison, but, I have actually gone to jail and this is an important thing to to tell you because it it really does describe the kind of person that I was. I wrote hot checks. I know that's a shock to many of you, but I wrote hot checks. And one time I had to go to this place called Lou Stearit to pick up a hot check. I didn't even know what that was just to show you how ignorant I was.

That that was jail. And so I got there. I thought I would, like, take care of it at the desk and be be finished. And and she said, no. You have to be processed through jail.

And I cried so loud and so hard that they sent me to the jail nurse. I didn't even know they had a jail. And she said, are you on medication? And I said, yes. And I started listing all these antidepressants that I was on.

And do you know that I got to sit in the hall? They never even made me go in that cell. I got to sit in the hall. And that is a perfect example of how I got what I needed and what I wanted. I never fought with people.

I, in my lifetime, only have one memory of ever even raising my voice at a person. I wasn't violent. I was I didn't scare people in that way, but I did get what I wanted and what I thought I needed, but I did it through the back door by being real pitiful. And by by giving the impression that any minute now I could just fall to pieces. And you all better be real careful when you walk around next door.

Now I managed to do that without telling anybody any specific reason why. I just everybody just knew that there was something and it must be big and I was real fragile. And the the most pathetic part of that is that is also where I got my significance in this world As I thought that that's what made me significant was all that yuck, drama, trauma was all I had that I thought made me important. Now that's a bad day, guys, But that's what I thought. And even as I tell you about this being pitiful, I need to also tell you that that was not intentional.

At the time, I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. It was the gift of this program and these steps that showed me those things, but at the time, I didn't know that. I am also a drug addict and recovered bulimic. I'm I respect the AA traditions. I am gonna stick with my alcohol, but those were also a very big part of my life.

I was I've been in treatment, certainly in therapy 11 years and really had a lot of resentment about therapy when I did my 4th and 5th step, but it and then when I got to that 4th column, it I was aware that it does help to mention something about the truth and and all that. And, you know, I couldn't say whether it would help or not because I had never ever said a true word. I have I worked in the field of mental health which I think is pretty ironic now, but, I I did diagnostic testing for children and I worked in a psych hospital. That's called the blind leading the blind. And I was real good friends with the med nurse and just really this whole time, all the stuff the stuff, I never I always had a good job.

I always made a good living. All those things. Only thing I ever wanted was a child. That's it. That's all I ever wanted and I just wanted to to be a good mother and to somehow fix all that.

And, I distinctly remember when I was in this bad girl jail praying and it was the only time in my life that I ever remember even having an unselfish thought. And I chalk that up to the innocence and preciousness of childhood that I had. I prayed to God that if I were gonna be the kind of parent that my parents were, that he'd not give me a child. And if you consider how much I wanted 1, that was a truly unselfish prayer. So, I became in the hospital, in the treatment centers, and in therapy, the the therapist real quick and learned how to maneuver the whole group.

Nobody really asked me much because either I'd start teetering on a big spell and everybody get nervous or I would kinda throw it to another person because I knew how to do that. I was very manipulative and I knew through my schooling how to do things like that. I mean, I have a lot to have to just go, I'm wondering what your what's going on with Patty today and then we'd all be off on what's going on with Patty today. When I first heard about this program that there there's this selfishness and self centeredness and this ego, I was I laughed out loud because I never believed that I had any of that. I certainly didn't think I had a big ego for the love of God.

If you can't even look in the mirror, how can you have a big ego? But what God showed me was when I was constantly thinking of myself, I was thinking you were laughing at me and you were making fun of me and you were out there were talking mean about me. And, if I walked across the room, the whole place was looking at me and trying to figure out what it was. And people really weren't that interested in me. I mean, that but I thought they were.

And I never drank in public in front of anyone unless I was on an airplane. This is logic. Because once you got up in the air, no one was coming on. So if I could look around and I didn't know anybody, I'd start drinking. I mean And I also never started to drink until I knew I was almost where I was going, because I also knew that once I started, I was not going to stop.

Okay. Check. If when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, check. You are probably an alcoholic. Okay.

I never and this is this is the part that's so amazing to me. I never went one day before I got sober without drinking ever. And I mean, we're talking through treatment centers. There's ways that you some of you know, there are ways to do those things. When I was in the Texas girls choir, we would go on a summer tour and we all had to dress alike.

And so they checked your luggage to make sure you had the checklist of things. Well, I couldn't put Jack Daniels in the luggage. So that was the only time that I didn't have alcohol accessible to me. And I didn't I would drink people's toiletries and they're like, I drank someone's compound w wart remover. That is not right.

And I I knew something was very wrong and I had no idea. I was always helping people look for things like and if if you know there was a common denominator I was somehow always around when the perfume was missing or something. And you know, I had no idea that I had a physical craving for alcohol and once I put it in my body I had to have more. I thought, I swear to you, I thought there was something about the smell of that that I just had to have it. And so, I mean, like, I I didn't understand why my hands would start shaking.

I'd be like, god dang. Where's that smell? I got to find something. And I mean, this is But I intuitively knew that this was not normal, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea to say, I'm sorry, it was me that drank the compound w. So I just had this big charade and be working with everybody.

I I truly don't remember ever speaking a true word in my life. Everything I said was a lie. Everything I did was a lie. Everything about me was a lie. I had this whole pretend life that I could rattle off without a second thought.

We told everybody that my dad died of cancer. To this day, I forget and I found the man. I mean, it's really, and you know, alcoholism is a progressive disease and anybody that believes there are things that they would never do truly don't yet have an don't for children. I mean, I'm just they can walk across the room and I get all weepy. I just really I have spent my life in service to them and have always been able to care for them and and educate them from a God given gift and if you had ever told me that I would say or do anything to jeopardize a child, I would have laughed at you.

But, this disease steals from us and it will steal from you. That's the only thing that I thought was decent about me. And this disease will steal everything from you even the very last thing you consider to be decent about yourself. Well, I managed to get through And and you know, here's the other thing. These I can tell you so many times that I would be laying there and so drunk this is before I started having blackouts, which I called not paying attention, but I and and I would be all drunk and have eaten all these pills and just knowing I was about to die.

And I would pray and I would say, god, if you will wake me up tomorrow, I swear to you, I will never do this again. And I'd be in the same place doing the same thing the next night, but the truth is, I really did mean that when I said it. And I have heard so many people say, well, they just hadn't had enough fun yet and they hadn't hit rock bottom yet. That is not true. I had had enough fun.

I I totally knew several times in my life to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and that I was screwed and truly, truly wanted to be better. But I had no tools. I had no map to get there. So I'd get there. I'd do I mean, I'd have a big surrender and then but the problem with that is that the book says after you've done your 30th anniversary, next we launched into a course of vigorous action.

I wasn't launching anywhere. I didn't know where to launch, so there I'd be. And then, you know, the next day I'd think, well, I must not want it bad enough. And that wasn't true. I did want it bad enough.

And I knew I was hurting everybody around me. I lied to everybody, my family. The biggest lie of all is I'm only hurting myself. How many of you have said things like that? And my mom, after she killed herself and my brother and sister and I, there were 3 of us left and we were in the funeral home crying, hugging each other.

We all promised each other that we would not do that to each other. It's too hideous. It's just, it's it's a very, very difficult thing to to live through. We we swore to each other and I meant it then. I swore like everybody else that we would never do that.

If loving somebody could make you sober, I would have been sober because I could not have loved those people more. They're they were my whole life and if if just I didn't, you know, if I just loved them more, that's not what it is. I couldn't have loved them more. I just didn't have the I didn't have a launching thing to go to. I had been to AA.

I was horrified that anyone should imply that I ought to go there because I would not admit to alcoholism because I don't know what in my mind, I thought that was worse than bulimia and drug addiction. I don't know why. So I'd fess on up to those things, but I would have held on to the alcoholism. And I actually, I admitted to those things because I got caught doing them and I really had no choice. Up to this point, I hadn't got caught till I started doing my men's and then I found out everybody knew anyway, but at this time, I didn't think anybody knew.

Eventually, my disease progressed to the point that I couldn't make it through the day without drinking. And you really can't have a big drink in the psych unit of a hospital. They frown on that. So I couldn't get through the day anymore. I used to have a fine time just doing working really hard and doing a great job and then I knew on my way home what was gonna happen, that mental obsession, where am I gonna get it?

Where am I gonna be? How much? Where do I have it? That's all that was going on in my mind. You know, you don't I didn't have the ability to look out there and help anybody because, love of God, I was too busy trying to figure out and make sure you weren't laughing at me and figure out where my boobs was and when I was gonna get it, how I was gonna get it, and I had to stop by and do this and that.

So I never ever thought much about what you might need from me. And if I did think you needed something, I certainly didn't think I had anything to help you with. Have you ever heard that I can't even help myself? It's funny because the only way you're gonna help yourself is to help somebody else, but, you know, I didn't get that at the time. And I just distinctly remember in therapy making a choice at one time because there was like this road.

I saw those steps on the the wall and it looked like a little too much like taking responsibility to me. And then there was this other road where we could all sit around and talk about everything anybody had ever done to us and that I voted for that in the beginning. And I kid you not, you know how I don't know. I'm sure at least half this room's been in the treatment center that you you had to write things and read them out loud. Anybody ever had to do that?

I could write things that would make you weep, but they weren't ever true. But, there was a doctor that worked at the hospital that I worked at who was have gonna have a baby. And she asked me if I would if they would match my salary. Her and her husband were both very successful busy doctors. That they would match my salary if I would come and work for them and take care of their baby.

Well, hey. That sounded like a perfect deal because I could no longer go all day without drinking and I was gonna get caught drinking in that psych hospital once pretty soon I knew I was. You know, all those things you think, I'll drink vodka because it doesn't smell. You know, all that stuff. And so I said, yes.

And so by this time, I had been abused so badly that I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I was very young, and that was a very bad day for me because I felt like I threw in the trash the only thing I'd ever wanted in my life. So I thought, okay. God is putting in front of me a chance to be a mother. Not thinking, okay.

Hello. This was not my child, but it's what I needed, so I jumped right in there. And from the day that little baby came home from the hospital, for almost 3 years, I was her pretty much her sole her sole caregiver. And, I couldn't have possibly loved that child anymore had she been my biological child. Her parents were very busy doctors and they had hobbies and they were gone all the time and I could drink and do the thing I wanted more than anything and pretend to be this child's mother and she she was as attached to me as you could be attached to your mother.

And, that is the time that I started having blackouts. And I don't even remember the month of August. We we I have 11 nieces, nephews, and godchildren and they like 7 of them have a birthday in August. We went to every single one of those birthdays and I have absolutely no memory of it. And this is what this disease did to me.

I drove that baby around in my car in total blackouts. I would be rocking her and almost drop her. I would be so passed out that I couldn't have possibly heard her had she needed me. And, you know, this thing about your rock bottom, I'm sure there are people in this room that can come up with a much bigger story of what their rock bottom is. But, when you get that far away from what you believe is right, you're in trouble.

Because that was about as far away as I could get from what I believed to make me a decent person. I may as well have been killing people every day. That's I mean, it was What I believed and what I believed to be right and what I did were not they weren't congruent at all. And I hated myself. I mean, I slept with all my clothes on in case I had to get out.

I don't even know what I thought I was getting out of. I mean, I'm talking socks, shoes, the whole bit just in case. I that's the way I live my life. Any day this whole thing is gonna fall on top of me. I was afraid to look in the mailbox because it might be in there.

I don't know what it was, but it might be coming in there. Or if I heard sirens, I'd be, here it is. I'm going to the penitentiary right now. I mean, I was afraid of everything. And if you told me that you loved me, I didn't feel that.

I thought, if you really knew, you would not be saying that. I never felt loved by anybody. The men that I dated. You could be the biggest killer in the world. And if you said something nice to me, you look better to me right away.

If I did have some clarity at one time and thought you know I'm either gonna have to buy a helmet and learn to tuck and roll or I've got to start making some different choices. This is not right. I mean, If there was a decent man around me that showed manners like opened a door, I thought he was like some kind of god that he would do that. I mean this You just don't get any worse than that and you It's so ego driven and so self absorbed to believe that I had that much significance. That like tonight, I think you guys would all have a meeting later to talk about me.

You know, you've got things to do here. You can go sing and go out in the lake, but I sure was sure you were all meeting about me. By the grace of god, I got fired. First time I'd ever been fired from anything. And I got fired because they knew.

They found out. They'd call it night. I'd be slurring. You know what we do. And I left that house.

They had to pry that child off of me. She was screaming and crying. That is that was so painful that I have a hard time even calling it to my memory. I felt that was the end for me. So I forgot about that promise I made and listen to this.

This is the epitome of selfishness and self centeredness. I went to my sister's house and I ate every pill I could find, and I drank all the booze I could find, and I laid down on her bed to die because I didn't wanna die by myself. Oh, that's nice. I didn't think, she's got 5 children and she's gonna come in here and find me dead just like I have had to do before. And I I was too selfish.

They'll be better off. You know, all that stuff. And I said, I didn't die. She She came in and found me and I ended up in the hospital. And by this time, nobody was interested in what I wanted to do or what I thought was a good idea.

Again, I'm there. I'm conceding to my innermost self. I'm screwed. Help me. Help me.

I meant it. I meant it. But I had nowhere to launch. Okay? I could I could tell you word for word, I could say how it works.

Rarely have we seen a person fail. I could do the whole thing because, you know, you do that every day when you're free. But it didn't mean anything to me. I did not connect if that meant I was supposed to do something. We were just all gonna recite that at the beginning.

And, so I my family sent me to a place and and they the hospital, she had to sign an affidavit that she would not leave my site. For her to get me out of that hospital, I was like some killer. She had to I mean, we had to go on the airplane and she had to be right there with me the whole time. And my sister's very rural oriented, which I have no concept of, but she tells somebody she's gonna do something, that's what she does. And so I went to a treatment center there and I came in and I went to a thing called Big Book Study and I thought, oh, Jesus.

You know, where's the therapy? That's what I need. My case is different. You know, I do not need the same treatment plan that you do. I've never been to jail.

I've never you know, I've had all these horrific experiences. Somebody's got to come up with a different treatment plan for me. And here's the interesting thing. This was my 4th treatment center and every time before now, everybody in that place joined me in that belief. And I had had special accommodations everywhere I went because because nobody wanted me to have that big spell.

I was teetering on it in a moment. This time I I went to big book study and I was late because when you have issues, you're late to fix. So I came dragging in there and there was this man who looked mean up there. He had a patch on his eye and he was yelling and swearing. And, he looked me right in the eyes and said, Susan, big book study starts at 9 o'clock.

He was obviously misinformed. I was so offended and that man terrified me because the little bit that I heard him talking about sounded a lot like that stuff on the wall and it sounded a little bit too much about taking responsibility and everyone certainly knew that because of my history, I couldn't possibly do those things. So I went to my counselor and I said, there's something about that man. I don't know what it is, but it reminds me of something. And everybody got nervous.

They all thought, oh, god. So I got permission to not go to that group. So that was the first time I'd ever heard a little glimmer of what you needed to do to get sober. And I turned my back and I walked away from it. And so I I was writing a letter that said goodbye to alcohol and drugs, and it was beautiful.

It made you weep. It was very pretty. And then when I finished that letter, I knew right then, I've I'm not gonna say goodbye to alcohol and drugs. I will have something to drink before this day is over. And, so I tried to kill myself.

And let me tell you something, they frown on that in treatment centers. I mean, they may as well have put liability right here across my forehead. I mean, I used to work in those places. They do not like when people do that. And this time, it was the real thing.

Like, they had those paddles and we're going, boom, boom, you know, that stuff. It was bad. And I'm like, was really pretty much dead. I've been dead a long time, spiritually. But so I'm again in the, intensive care unit and then I can remember exactly I couldn't move because if I moved, my heart would start fibrillating or whatever that's called.

And so the woman in the that was sitting about as close to my new friend as you are would say, please don't move, miss Stowell. And I couldn't do anything because I just had to let and I kept looking at the door waiting for my family to come rushing in. And I'd look and nobody's coming. I'd wait a little more and nobody's coming. They brought a phone in.

I called my sister and she said, I will be just fine without you because I have my family and I can I'll be just fine without you. Just devastated me. How could she say this to me? This is somebody that I walked through. Together, we walked through a living hell.

She was in how could she say that? But, you know, you can provoke someone to a point that they have no, you know, you can provoke someone to a point that they have no other option but to detach from you and that's what I had done. I had scared her. I put her on a roller coaster my whole life and she was done. And today, I understand that.

And I said out loud, in that bed, god, you're gonna have to come down here because I don't know what to do anymore. The word anymore cracks me today because I never knew what to do in the first place, but I was in I was all out of ideas. So I they sent me to another place. This is like my dream come true. Somebody finally thought I was crazy.

I've been trying for this for a long time. And here I was. I was in a place that they were really crazy. And, I've been there 10 minutes and a lady came walking down the hall in my nightgown. I mean, they were not right.

And I didn't know what to do so I, like, French braided their hair and, I taught them little songs and, and that I thought I was like, god told me, you could this could be your life forever. And the sick part of it is there was a part of me that was attracted to that. Talk about no responsibility. I can just lay around and be crazy all the time. But I got bored with crazy.

That was my problem. I try it for a while and I get I've tried every diagnosis in that book and I get bored with it and I don't really have it. So I was there for 11 days and every single day I was there, I called this other place where this mean guy was and asked and begged for them to let me come back. Because I knew in my spirit that there was something that that man had that I needed. And, that was the reason I wanted to go back and they weren't gonna let me come back liability.

Remember? You need a more specialized program and there were I used to be flattered by statements like that. But all of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I was trying to not act crazy. I was like the Rorschach test. I was talking about rainbows and moonbeams and stuff, you know, and just trying as hard as I could to seem stable and god, you know, like, I just kinda steered away from blood and death and stuff because those are when they get nervous.

And I try all these little cheerful things that those blots meant to me when they held them up. Well, here's the here's the miracle, one of many that I can't explain, but on 11th day when I called that hospital they told me I could come back. You go explain that. I don't know. It's a gift and I just accept it as a gift.

So I went back there. Now here we are. Here is a person who is ready to do anything. You tell me what to do and I will do it. And if you are like me and you have this little alcoholic mind and body, there is a window of time there that you have to tap into that.

And if you don't start taking some action, your ego will come right back. Here's my window of time. I wouldn't have done anything. I came in there like the wrath of God. I had bruises on my arms from all these pills they would give me.

I didn't have any shoelaces. I couldn't pick my feet up because my shoes would come off so I'd just slide around like this. And for some reason that I still don't know why I had a key around my neck, I don't even know why I had that. But I'm walking around there and I was not there 10 minutes and I started looking around and said, I think I can help these people. You know, We could restructure this to where, see, my ego started to come back.

Gratefully for me, I also set my butt on that front row, and every day that I was there and I was there 4 months. I used to be flattered by things like that. I needed to be there longer than everybody else. But, I sat on the front row and I listened and I placed myself in the same place that everybody else was. And I started working these steps, like the book says, with the desperation of a drowning man.

And god, I was reborn. I can tell you this story today because I don't even feel like I'm talking about the same person. If you had told me that not only I was gonna tell somebody all that stuff, but I was gonna stand up and talk about it and be on a dad gum tape, there is no way I would have done that. When I when I told for the first time, I hid under a blanket. I was so ashamed.

And I kept checking and going, are you all right? I mean, I truly thought those words were gonna just pass somebody's gonna pass out. That's how much power I had given those things. And what I learned through these steps is the most precious gift I have ever been given is it doesn't matter. You don't have to deal with that to get well.

What does that mean anyway? I spent so many years trying to deal with that and own it and taking the bubble baths and looking in the mirror and reciting things. You know, I am a worthwhile child of God. And I, you know, if that's what made me an alcoholic I have no hope because I can't make that not be. And if you had told me that those circumstances did not create my alcoholism, I would have been mad at you at one time.

But that's the best news of all because what that tells all of us is it doesn't matter what you've done or what anyone's done to you. That is not who you are and that does not it's not what's gonna help you get well or not or keep you from getting well. And all the stuff. And, when my sobriety is not contingent upon the behavior of other people. Otherwise, you hear all that, avoid your triggers.

Oh, severed thing's a trigger to me. I'd have to sit in the closet and lock the door. I couldn't go anywhere. You know, it's Groundhog Day. Let's go.

That is not what this book says. This book says I can go anywhere on the face of this earth if I have a good reason to, And I will be protected because I am walking safely in the grace of God today. And I can sit anywhere. I can be with anybody. And you can totally lose your mind and act like a complete fool and I can still stay sober.

Do you realize if this program were the way I thought it was, that would mean I'd have to make a list of all these people and go to them and say, would you straighten up so I can get well? It isn't gonna happen. You know? And the greatest gift that got you know, the book says lack of power was our dilemma. That is all I focused on.

Oh, I'm so powerless. Let me tell you how powerless I am. I'm so powerless. But that was our dilemma. If if we're gonna walk in the solution, you don't have that dilemma anymore.

God gives you all kinds of power. I don't have a desire to drink today because I'm gonna tell you something. If I had a desire to drink, I would be drunk. There wouldn't be a power on this earth that could separate me from alcohol and in 5 days I'll be 6 years sober. I and the other thing, once I started getting involved in AA, I thought because I I heard a lot of stories of all these horrible things and then boom, I got sober and I hadn't had a bad day since.

So the first time I ran into it you know, the book says those certain trials and low spots ahead. The first time I ran into one of those, I thought, oh, dear God. I must be doing something wrong because, you know, everybody's perfect when they get sober, but I've had some bad days since that day. You know, I've had some very powerful reminders of the bad old days. I've had to have surgeries and things because the direct result of being so abused as a child, and that would have been a great trump card for me at one time to start teetering on a big spell.

Oh, I'm remembering things. You know? I mean, really. That would I have had doctors look me in the eyes with tears in their eyes and say somebody has hurt you really badly. I would, one time, would have wanted to write that man a check.

That would have been a, you know, oh, yes. I'm so and I owe my life to that man with the patch on his eye because he is the it takes a lot of courage to tell someone like me the truth, especially in a treatment center. Because let me tell you something, if I had had a big breakdown, which there was a big chance I would've, there would have been I would somebody would have been pushing me too hard. Or, you know, all those things. It takes a lot of courage for someone to look someone like me in the eye and tell me the truth and I will be forever grateful for that day and several days following that.

Since that day, let me just tell you this. I am surrounded by people that when they tell me I love you, I believe them and I feel it. And I have the ability to, for the first time, to look up and reach out and give far beyond anything I've ever had the ability to do before. I live in a house that has wood floors, and a garage door that goes up and down. Lots of trees, and I have a 4 year old daughter.

I got to go to the Ukraine and and adopt a little girl that needed me just as much as I needed her. She was in an orphanage and we I got pictures. So check with me. And my little girl doesn't have to be afraid and she doesn't have to walk around in fear because nobody's gonna hurt her, and nobody's gonna mistreat her or put her in danger. And I know that as long as I stay on this path, God has given me the ability to be a good mother to her.

The fact that some adoption agency would even give me a child is not explainable. I mean, really, it's not. The only explanation that I have is that I took myself out of this special group that I've been trying so hard to be into and I made myself work these steps just like everybody else and today my significance comes from being an incredible miracle child of God. Not from bad, awful things, but from the grace and the miracles that God has given to me. And and to watch him give other people those miracles, I mean, this grace falls equally on all of us.