Cape Atlantic Intergroup's Unity Night in Galloway, NJ

I'm getting ready to introduce you to a fellow that I met many, many, many, many years ago. I attended a conference called Garnet and I still do every week year a conference called Garden State Young People's Conference. I went there when I had just a little bit over a year of sobriety and I was just a mess of a young fella. And after a few years, this fellow came along, always had bare feet, always walking around the wooded terrain. And

I got a chance to hang out with him.

My best friend's wedding and

you know, we become friends. He shares with me here and there. He sent me some books one time on defects of character. I'm not sure what that was about,

as he says, loving me from a distance, whatever, but

but I think you're all in for a real nice joy. Please give a warm South Jersey welcome to Barefoot Bill.

And the sound crew,

uh,

heal.

My name is Bill Ash. I am an alcoholic.

Hi everybody.

I would like to suggest that the coffee maker is in question because there's way too much energy going on here.

I gotta be honest with I'd rather listen to the guy with 49 years talk.

I have readings. I don't know if I'm going to include them.

I realized something today.

I've heard it said that the way meetings get started is with the resentment in a coffee pot. And there's a lot of meetings in New Jersey, so

figure that one out on your own.

This is what I think about. I don't know about anybody else.

What a what a cool night.

I want to begin with a joke.

Very often I tell jokes to impress the women. This one is to impress the men.

This is called meeting her needs.

Pay attention.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but she eventually said, I don't feel like it, I just want to be held. I said what? What was that? So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear. She said you're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She then responded to my puzzled look by saying can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I can do in the bedroom.

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, we talked for a few minutes and then I went to sleep. The very

the very next day, I opted to take off from work to spend some time with my wife. We went out for a nice lunch and then we went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her for a while and she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy all of them.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked on or she put, she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I had never heard that expression before, but I'm sure, I'm sure living down the shore. You've heard that before, right?

I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop though when I said that's fine honey. She was almost near sexual satisfaction from all the excitement

that was laughter of identification,

smiling and excited anticipation. She finally said, I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out No honey, I don't feel like it. I.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled what? And then I said, really, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to

let me repeat that.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.

And just and just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added. Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things that I buy you?

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

I just had to share that.

Having said that,

I'd like to ask my higher power to put the words in my mouth, to put love in my heart and help me speak the truth.

At some point in my talk, I'm going to cry. So those that are Co criers get out your tissues now.

I, I, I, I when I, when I get real, I cry so

over it.

I really love the, the topic that you guys had and, and the skid and it was, it was hysterical. It was very, very cool.

I I appreciate weird stuff and that was very weird. So

what you say?

I especially love the, the

program unity and service. It's a big part of what I pass along to people that I work with that for a long time I thought that don't drink and go to meetings was a, a solution to alcoholism. And for 3 1/2 years I was incredibly miserable, progressively getting more miserable as time went on. And I couldn't understand why. And I was going to a lot of meetings and I was cleaning up ashtrays and I was, I was making coffee and I was leading meetings and

I was dying inside.

Basically,

if you had asked me how I was doing, I was doing great. You know, I was doing better than I had ever been. You know, I wasn't getting arrested anymore. I wasn't is obviously and as blatantly obnoxious toward other people. And then something kicked in after 3 1/2 years, and that's called pride. And after 3 1/2 years, that's pretty substantial here in a A. And, you know, you can't really tell people that you're, like dying and you're thinking about killing yourself

because you're still doing all those things that you always did,

except you're just not drinking. And I would not wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. And

hopefully my message tonight will convey the fact that with as many people as are here, I'm sure some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way.

And, and, and for me, that's why the, the, the three-part solution to a three-part problem, physical, mental and spiritual is, is a key to what I practice and a key to what I pass along to people I work with. That, that the base of the triangle, you know, the circle and triangle, that the, the symbol that used to be on our literature

contains the, the program unity and service, the three parts everybody talked about tonight. And the program, which is the base of the triangle, which is the, the, the, the recovery, the program, the steps is the base of the program which everything else is built upon. And then the left side of the triangle is unity, which is fellowship and going to meetings and interacting with other AAS and that has 12 traditions involved with it. And the right side of the triangle, which is service,

which is the the giving back, expecting nothing in return.

And then we repeat that expecting nothing in return

has the 12 concepts and warranties and all kinds of cool stuff that most people don't read very much. And I was happy that it was talked about tonight because it's sort of a missed piece. And, and just like the steps, the traditions and the, and the concepts can be used as a personal way of life when understood and when practiced. It's an incredible 3 fold solution to our problem.

Also, the circle and triangle used to represent body, mind and soul, wholeness or oneness. It was a spiritual symbol that represented body, mind and soul. All three parts of the full human experience that if we can grow, you know, where we take the body physically, where we go is to meetings, where we take the mind is to the steps. And that helps us awaken spiritually. And then the way we grow spiritually is by working self sacrifice for others in the service area. So it's a full, it's a full 3 fold solution. And first of all,

it was news to me at three years that there was a three fold solution. I had never really heard that before. And I was grateful for the people that came into my life that explained that to me because I saw my problem was I was only involved at meetings. I wasn't working any steps and I wasn't really involved in service. And then when I did start doing those two things, my life exploded in an incredible every area of my life improved.

And the amazing thing is that I started to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I had never experienced that before. So, you know,

I'm really grateful that they talked about three parts because not only do I have to realize that there are three parts of the solution, but I need to ask myself, am I currently involved in all three parts? Because I've known people that were going to a lot of meetings but kind of got away from step work or stopped going to meetings were heavily involved in service. And I've known people like that that went back to drinking. But I've never known anyone that was working all three parts of the solution that ever went back to drinking. And I don't think that's a coincidence. And for me, that's really important, all three parts. We need to emphasize that a whole lot more in our meetings,

and I'm grateful that it was emphasized here.

I want to thank the committee.

Today was really very cool for me.

I can't wait to hear what I have to say.

Robbie mentioned it. I just got back. Oh oh oh, just so important. Tomorrow is my 13 year anniversary.

Tomorrow marks the day of 0 because for from 17 to 30 I drank alcoholically and now I've been sober for 13 years. So now I'm, I'm zero. I can, I can, I can do whatever I want now I can.

And what's cool is I found something here that that

how could you ever give it away? You know, I mean, I can't relate to people that say that, you know, I came to A and I got my life back. I never had a life, you know, somebody had mentioned it, you know, drinking and living was two full time jobs. I mean,

and and then lying, that's a third full time job and then, you know,

you know, keeping a front that's a whole, you know what I mean? Like it, it was a horror. It was a horror life. I'm not really a big junk log person.

I sometimes the way I describe my story is that when I was 17, I went to this party and when I was 30 I came home from that party.

Or another way of describing it was that at 17 I was I was an alcoholic and AT30I realized it.

That's a little bit closer, I think.

And

I just came back from being in Russia for 10 days and. And

what is wrong with this world when 80 year old woman on her knees is begging because you can't have food that day?

I don't know about you, but I can't walk by stuff like that.

And it was interesting because we contacted,

I told you I was going to cry.

We contacted the Moscow Intergroup and we we were in Saint Petersburg and we asked

how many meetings are in Saint Petersburg? Where are the meetings at Saint Petersburg? We want to get to a couple meetings and the gentleman said there's ten meetings or there's ten groups. I'm sorry because most groups have more than one meeting and there's only two that they know that are solid. And a, A A has been there since the mid 1980s.

That was scary to me

because someone like me needs to get to a meeting.

But we met some wonderful people and

it was a very cool experience. They did something at the first meeting that I went to that was really beautiful. And I want to do this

whenever I get a chance. I want to mention this because I thought it was really cool. I'd like to if I ever started a meeting someday or participated in, started a meeting out, I would like to include this that that the, the leaders asked if anybody was there for the first meeting. And this gentleman raised his hand and she said, so that person, you know, do you have a desire to stop drinking? And that person said yes. And they said we would like to welcome you to this meeting

and we would like to welcome you to all AA meetings in Saint Petersburg. And we would also like to welcome you to all of a in the world. You belong here

and I had never heard that before. I thought that was really cool.

I love that. I love that.

It's interesting because this fellowship called AA and this at first concept in our relationship called God

accepted me at my worst

when I hit my physical bottom

where I couldn't deal with drinking anymore and I couldn't deal with life anymore. Bless you. I came to this fellowship and you people welcomed me and I was at my worst. And that was also the same period of time that my higher power put people in my life and that my journey of this relationship with this power. Because I think there's a big difference between the concept called God and the relationship and conscious contact with that power

began. And again, I was at my worst

and this power came into my life at my worst. And I can only imagine what this power

would do with me as a tool to reach others

like myself or like I used to be or however you want to word it.

I love that concept of a higher power that at my worst, you know that one of the things that I got emotional about in Russia was

we went to,

they have these incredible places in Saint Petersburg. The czars had these buildings that were just unbelievable

palaces and and squandered of wealth. I want to say squandered, but just, you know,

the way the buildings are and the way the rooms are and every way everything's painted and the way the outline of the wood and the floors, it was just unbelievable. And my favorite spiritual story of all time. There was a painting there of it and I had, I had seen it somewhere, but I had never really seen it. And I was in front of it. And it was the story of the prodigal son,

which is our story, everyone, everyone's story. And

I immediately bought a poster and

it's my absolute favorite spiritual story because

at this boy's worst, the father accepted him and ran and took him back. And that's my story.

I love a history. I brought a little story. This is from Doctor Bob and a good old timer. So another book that nobody ever reads,

anybody who perhaps at some time might get into a history talk to Bob in a good old timers is the book I would suggest people start with. And in this story, in this book, it has this cool story. I love stuff like this. I've I've started to accumulate interesting and numerous a a stories from from the past, from early a a because there's there's a whole bunch of these really cool stories that are just, you know, it's it's the it's the famous, it's the famous experience of, you know, a truth is just so much better than anything that can be made-up. You know what I mean? It's just

the truth is just so much more far fetched than anything anybody can ever think of. You know what I mean? I remember hearing somebody say one time that that all wisdom is plagiarized and only stupidity is original. You know what I mean? And that is just like so true. That's I mean, I can only speak for me. I don't know about anybody else. But and this is the story. It says that there was a man named Bob who was brought to the program just as he was about to do himself in A few days later, Bob went on a 12 step call with Walter C. The prospect they went to visit listen

them and said what do you have to say is very interesting, but I don't think it's for However, I have a friend whose brother could really use your help. Who is he? Asked Bob. I don't know his name, but his sister's name is Edith M Why That's my sister, said Bob, who had just been advised to make a 12 step call on himself.

OK, that's all the readings I have until the end.

Like I said, I'm not really a junkalog person.

I also have no idea what time I started so maybe you can keep an eye on the time because I can only go

maybe an hour or something.

The CD only goes 80 minutes, so you don't have to stay past that.

There's a word that pretty much covers

my first 30 years, and that word is,

I can't think of it now.

No, that's not it.

It had to do with my inner condition of all that fear and all that disgrace and all of that discomfort and all of that

insecurity. That's the word I used to sometimes describe it as, you know, just a ball of fear. Just a sense of being different, not being comfortable in my own skin.

But I heard someone talk about insecurity one day and I was like, that's it. That's the word. That's, that's the 1st 30 years of my life. I, I always felt on the outside. I always, I always felt different. I, I remember hearing somebody at a meeting one time say that, you know, I always expected some UFO spaceship to land next to my house. And then the aliens walk in and say, OK, Bill, it's time to go home because that wouldn't make sense. You know what I mean? Like, I just never felt comfortable here. I never felt a part of I, I, I came from a very wonderful, loving family.

Truly. I came from the Brady Bunch. And I don't mean that in any disrespectful way. I literally came from an incredibly loving, incredibly wonderful, religious, supportive,

nurturing, wonderful family.

And you know, like what happened to me, you know what I mean? Like it pretty much. It pretty much expels the theory of, you know, if only my family was better or if only, you know, I had wealth or you know, if only I was supported and loved by my parents. Believe me, it made no difference in my life whatsoever. I hated me in the insecurities were rampant and it didn't make any difference in my life so whatsoever. And I certainly played, I certainly saw that the major part that I played in that as soon as I started taking inventory,

which is another thing that isn't talked about a lot of meetings. But

what I've seen in early AA and what I've seen in working with people is, is our our literature talks about getting into the process immediately and quickly.

I don't understand the theory of, you know, wait a while, you know, wait to get better and then get into the steps. I didn't get better until I got into the steps

and it's taken me a few times through the steps now. Starting with the first step. Not just going to four, but starting with the first step and recommitting myself through the process and having a deeper experience and finding whole other areas of my life that need to be looked at. That, you know, three years earlier when I did my first four step didn't really seem to be that important or that I didn't really want to look at at the time. That has brought me to a place of just so much freedom and so much,

you know, besides the insecurity thing, there was one thing that drove me crazy even even halfway through my recovery period. And that was that

I wasn't able to convey love to people that I cared for, that they never lived. They never acted the way I want them to. And therefore now I need to act inappropriately. I need to yell, I need to, to, to manipulate. You know, I, I, I, there are people that I cared for, but in many cases, except for a few, you probably wouldn't even have known it because of ways I had just recently acted. You know what I mean?

And, and, and when you got to a lot of that going on in your head and and you see that, you know, people always said I had potential and I always, I always hated that, you know, I had potential. You know, what does that mean? You know, I'm never, I'm living up to it. What are you, what are you talking about? You know, I have potential. What does that mean?

Now I see what that means. And the interesting thing is that we all have potential because we all have a higher power than us.

And I never really saw that. I always saw a higher power as up there, over there, over there, you know what I mean? Like out there, you know, it's when I first came here, I really didn't want to pray because then God would know where I was.

And now there isn't a day or a moment that I don't want to pray. You know,

you can't get there from here. That's my story. You can't get there from here. You know what I mean?

So I'm trying to get through life. I'm trying to get through life and it sucks. It just sucks. Life just sucks. I don't, I don't get it. It's not clicking, it's not working. I and I, I wouldn't consider another way besides my own, which I think is another key principle in a is that we need to consider another way besides our own. Because my way didn't work over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It didn't work,

but I never noticed that

and then

I found alcohol.

Yes,

alcohol is cool when it works, alcohol is wonderful when it's working and you're in alcohol, it's wonderful. It's super it's dependence. It's it's it's the elixir of life. It quiets the voices. It quiets the voices to 1 voice and that's drink more. You know what I mean? That the guilts kind of just the fear kind of subsides the guilt that the devoid. Do you know what I mean? The committee connect just goes to sleep for a little while and, and, and

everybody all of a sudden looks good, you know, all of a sudden I clicked with the people around me. All of a sudden everything's OK, you know what I mean?

The problem was that,

like I said, at 17, I went to this party and I30, I came home from that party. You know what I mean? If you interfere with my drinking, I have a problem with you. You're not around much anymore because you don't understand. Because these were non alcoholic people, they weren't having the same experience I was having. They didn't find the elixir of life when they drank. They didn't. It didn't quiet the voices that maybe they didn't even have the voices, I don't know. But when I drank, I felt comfortable in my own skin. When I drank, I was comfortable talking to you. It didn't matter who you were if you weren't talking to me when I was drinking,

I felt bad for you. If you weren't talking to me when I wasn't drinking, I understood. You know what I mean? Like there was this there was this transition that occurred within me that only only an alcoholic experiences. And you know, all know what I'm talking about. And and

you know, people made statements like, you know, I don't want another drink as I'm feeling the first one, you know, like I'm feeling the first one. That's why I want to go have, you know what I mean?

And the thing was is, you know, I look at them stage, I look at me strange. They go home, they have a normal life, they're happy. I stay at the bar, I have money and it's open. Why would you go home?

Yeah, my wife said to come home too. But you know, what difference does that make? It just,

you know, the voices are quieted. Now let's stay here for a while, you know what I mean?

And then, and then you go home and you got to deal with all that and, and you make stuff up and, and there were times that I went home and, and started an argument so I could go back to drinking, you know what I mean?

And then I wondered why my wife wanted me to go and my dinner inventory. And I realized if she had treated me, I treated her, I wouldn't have wanted to be with her either. And then I felt bad because up until that point, she was Satan. And then I did inventory and all of a sudden I'm Satan. You know what I mean? And I want to, I want to apologize to this woman because I treated her like dirt and I had never seen that before. I did inventory. She was Satan up until that moment,

and I'm grateful for that because the process that it steps

acquainted me with something that I was not familiar with, and that was something called reality.

So drinking helped me with my life.

I'm grateful for drinking. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find alcohol.

I might have taken somebody else out. I might have taken myself out. I got to be honest with you, from what I've read,

the inner condition of an alcoholic, which is relieved by alcohol is the same inner condition of those people that I hear about every once in a while that go up to the top of the building and start shooting at college students because, but they don't have anything to to, to relieve that inner craziness. We drink and that relieves the inner craziness for a short period of time when it's working for us and then when it's not working for us, then now what are we going to do?

Because going up to a building to shoot college students isn't an option for me,

and it looks bad on a resume.

And on and on it went. People came in and out of my life. I had these nightmare experiences. I couldn't face myself. I was about to lose, lose another job. I went into one rehab. It was an outpatient rehab. Those kind of things don't work for people like me.

Every single urine test that they surprised me with, I failed

every single one. But I didn't have a problem. And I wasn't there because I thought I had a problem. I was trying to get my wife back. I was trying to get my parents off my back. I was trying to to, to look like things are doing well so I could borrow again. You know what I mean?

And

I was an AA for a year and three weeks and I went back out because I had gotten into a relationship that I wasn't. I was suggested that I not get into which as a

a person with alcoholism that's still running on self will when you tell me not to do something, that's why I do it.

And it's interesting because with Sponsee's now, I, I, I, I work with that. And I'll say to people, don't read the big book

because I know they'll probably do it just despite me.

Little did they know I wanted them to do that to begin with. But

I couldn't do with the emotions of a breakup of this relationship. And the only thing that ever helped me with that was drinking. So why wouldn't I drink? Because I didn't find any solutions here. I hadn't changed my life. I hadn't come in contact with reality yet because I was still doing all those things that I always used to do, cheating and lying and scamming and and total disregard for everybody pretty much.

Self will run riot to an extreme.

So I went back

and it started as if I had never stopped for that year in three weeks.

Within a month, I was partying more than I was the year, a year and three weeks before I had stopped.

And then five months after that passed and and I was again at the point where I wasn't getting invited to family functions and I was finding out about weddings after the fact and I was about to lose my job again. And nobody. I found out about parties after the fact, which pissed me off because of course I'd want to be there

as long as they had enough booze.

And I finally went into my second and third attempt, my second rehab and my third attempt at this thing called, you know, how do you not drink?

And that was a rehab called Clearbrook and Wilkes Barre, PA. And I'm grateful to that place. And, and to be honest with you, there was nothing different about that place and other places I had been. The only reason why it was different was because I had surrendered.

I let it work. That's the only reason why it worked.

And I did all the things they asked me to do. And

it was a very cool experience. I cried about stuff I thought I'd never share with people. I did many things in that place that I thought I would, I would bring to my grave. And

something I always like sharing, which a lot of people have told me they can relate to, is that, you know, the first week that I was there, I had a lot of fear because, you know, I had, I had tried to stop before, but I, I wasn't sure if I really meant it. I just, you know, you have kind of fear associated with, oh, you know, it's just another one of these things. I don't even know if I'm really going to try. And then the second week I had a lot of fear because I started remembering some of the stuff I had done, which was a nightmare. And then the third week, I had a lot of fear because I wasn't sure if I was taking full advantage of my time there. And then the fork wreath, I, I had fear because I was leaving

in a couple days and, but it was a really wonderful experience. And, and there were some really key conversations that I had there. And before I went there, a gentleman who drove me that, that he came two hours and 45 minutes to pick me up in Dunellen, NJ from Wilkes Barre, PA. And I don't remember anything this dude said except for just before we got to the place he he suggested that I try to

act as if I don't know anything and to start over. Don't try to build upon that lame foundation that you thought you had after a year and three weeks.

Start as if you don't know anything because obviously what you thought you knew didn't work for you. So you need to start from .0. And that was really great advice that that absolutely set the tone of my my period of time in that rehab. And I'm grateful for it. And then I left and

I got involved.

My family. This isn't the truth, but this is just kind of how I see it. My, my family kind of has to love me. But I came into this, this fellowship and you people really didn't want anything from me. And you really did want me to come back. And I hadn't experienced that in years. You know what I mean? I mean, why would you want me to come back? I mean, I, I sucked the life out of everything I get involved in. And then and, and you know, I'll, I'll rip you off in a heartbeat and then help you look for it.

And I felt something here that I had never really felt. And, and my family was very wonderful and loving, but I didn't love myself. And, and I kind of felt like they had to kind of treat me that way. And I came here and you people did that magic, something that that,

but uncritical acceptance in that unconditional love. That

helps you a whole lot more than it helps me. But it helped me a whole lot

and I'm grateful for it. You know, I had said earlier about the physical, mental and spiritual,

and then I started looking at a little bit more closely and I started seeing that it it really is all spiritual. That that's certain something that we experience when we come to these meetings and that that interaction of wisdom and and that somebody's having a problem. Let's go over there and talk to him and that that welcome and that that sharing from the heart. That's all really very spiritual.

I don't know how regular people do it, You know what I mean? Like we have a place to go. A lot of people don't have that and maybe they get it, you know, in their families or friends or whatever. But it's just a mind blowing experience involving ourselves in the fellowship. But it's really all spiritual. That heart to heart, that feeling, that sense of acceptance and all of that that we do in the fellowship is really all spiritual. It's really incredible.

And then the process of the steps is really all spiritual because you get real and you start taking inventory and you start

trying to move in a certain direction. And, you know, the being of service is, you know, pure spiritual practice. And I just started seeing it's not a physical, mental and spiritual solution. It's a spiritual solution

and I believe that.

And I've cottonmouth.

I still drink too much

and that's certain. Something happened to me and you and you people drew me in and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that were in my life at the time and I'm I'm grateful for all of that. It was an incredible experience. But you see, I really thought that alcohol was my problem, so not drinking was my solution. So this step stuff and this

over involvement of service, it really just doesn't apply to me. It's for you hardcore people, you know what I mean? Like you quote UN quote, you know what I mean? It just didn't seem to apply to me. I, I had seen principles like that before in my religion. I had practiced, tried to practice some of them. It, it just, what does that have anything to do with what my problem is? You know, I mean like, it just didn't seem to apply. It just didn't seem, you know, I I often say that the steps are intellectually insulting.

You know what I mean? Like my you know what? I would come up as a theory for how to deal with this stuff would be so much better than the steps. You know what I mean?

But guess what, my way never worked. So why am I even thinking like that? You know what I mean? I, I remember I was down in Arizona at a, at a rehab speaking and, and I, I, I said something that I'm sure might have been kind of rude, but I meant it. And what it, what, what I said was that, you know, if, if a new, if a, if I start working with a new person, I have to assume that your plan sucks. You know what I mean? Like your best thinking got to hear you know what I mean? Like my best thing got me here three times. I mean,

you know, I mean I

but I wasn't considering another way besides my own. I just wasn't drinking

and I thought that was really all I needed to do. And that was when I talked about earlier about the 3 1/2 years of just

spiraling misery and going to meetings and getting involved and it not,

you know, it just touching the surface of what the real issue was. And now I see that alcohol isn't my problem, to be honest with the alcohol is my solution that my problem is, is alcoholism. My problem is the way that I don't adjust well with other people and live with life and with my own emotions and all of that, that that's my problem. And that's why I drink. Drinking helps me with that. Drinking is my solution. It's not my problem. And that's why I need to do a whole lot more. And, you know, I don't have a problem with this saying, but I see it at a deeper level now that that

the expression one day at a time that

our literature says throughout that what my commitment needs to be is is to not drink for the rest of my life and to live one day at a time. That if if I just need to not drink one day at a time. And that's a really good concept for a beginner and for, you know, somebody that needs to get through a day. But

if

if I'm just looking to not drink for today, I don't really have to do much to do that anymore. But if I'm trying to not drink for the rest of my life, there's a whole lot I need to be doing on a daily basis in order to achieve that. So I just see that slogan at a much deeper level now and at a little bit of a different level now. And I don't disagree with the basic concept of not drinking one day at a time, but I just see that slogan a little bit deeper today in that I need to do a whole lot of things if I want to not drink for the rest of my life. And that and that's my goal,

but I didn't realize it at this time in my story.

It's interesting because I shared some of my inner insanity at a meeting and afterwards a couple of people came up to me and said, you know, Bill, it sounds like you need to get into the steps. And

I just, I really didn't think the steps applied to me. It just seemed kind of

not really what would get at my problem. And I went to another meeting where I didn't know anybody and I shared a little bit of it there and come some people that didn't know me count to me after the meeting and said, Bill, it sounds like I need to get into the steps. And

I thought the people from the first meeting told the people at the second meeting to tell me that.

And I talked a little bit of my sponsor and he kind of said the same thing. And some people that I respected and, and I started getting into the process of the steps and I kind of, I didn't have a falling out with my sponsor, but we kind of started drifting in different directions and I wasn't even sure if he was going to meetings anymore And, and we weren't getting together when we were supposed to and it just wasn't working. And although I had started writing a four step, I made the tragic mistake of putting it down for a little while.

And for those of you who have ever done that or for those of you who are currently doing that, what you'll find is that you begin to start reliving that nightmare that you wrote down on that piece of paper because you've brought to your consciousness certain things of the way you were and certain memories. And you start to relive that stuff. And it has to be processed. And it needs to be processed as quickly as possible because it's a nightmare. And I put it down for a while and I did start to relive some of that stuff

and I started to act in some of those old ways even worse than I had up until the point that I had started writing inventory and, and