Northern Rockies Pockets, Helena MT

Hi, everybody. My name is Doug Rowell, and I'm a grateful alcoholic. Hi, Doug. And, I'm delighted to be here. I wanna thank, the committee for inviting me.

I wanna thank Richard for calling me and, Deborah for emailing me and, Don for picking me up in his badass truck and driving me around today. And and I also also wanna thank the people who had to do with putting on this skit. I, I I'm from actually, I'm from Tujunga, California. Don thought he was pretty slick getting away with saying Southern California. He actually could have said LA, and and it would have been pretty close.

But, Tujunga is in the San Fernando Valley, and every year, San Fernando Valley, we put on a show, a musical comedy, because we're in LA. We got all this talent down there, and it's easy to guilt them into, you know, hey. Well, you know, can't you give something for your sobriety? You know? And we get all these people to all these professional musicians and singers and dancers and, you know, stagehands and so forth that come in, and and we put on these shows.

So I appreciate the show. I appreciate what it takes to, to put on a a show like this. And, and besides that, I'm I'm, I'm recently retired. Well, not recent year and a half retired from from working in television. And I, the last 7 years, I was a prop man on on The Price is Right.

You know? So and I'll tell you something else about LA. There's a lot of sober people in LA. There's 24 100 meetings a week in Los Angeles, and there's every kind of meeting there. You know, it's like, there's some meetings where you are expected to wear a tie and a jacket if you're gonna be at the podium, and there are other meetings where you're expected to park your motorcycle inside the room.

And there are but in in a lot of people work in the business in in LA. Nobody in around the country, the business means different things, but in LA, it means showbiz, you know. And, so there's a lot of people working in show business and there's a lot of sober alcoholics. So almost any show that I I spent 25 years working in that business. And, and the last 7 years working on The Price is Right, okay, I was the head prop.

There was a guy or a a woman on on my crew who was sober about 2 years behind me. We had the art director who was, let's see, about, he was new. At this at this point, I'm gonna tell you about he was he had about a year of sobriety, and then there was, the scenic artist who had, 17 years of sobriety. So there was a a lot of us around him. And, you know, sometimes the meeting would just be, you know, we walk into the through the hallway doing your job going, hey, one day at a time.

You know, keep it simple, something like that. You know, easy does it. Yeah. And, but occasionally, we'd have a little coffee break. We could, you know, get together, you know, it'd be like a real meeting all of a sudden right in the middle of work.

And and, one time, the art director who was fairly new, you know, it was a year sober compared to to the rest of us, he was fairly new. And and he had a stress job, you know, and and he said, he said to us, tell me something, you guys. How do you keep from getting frazzled from this thing? I said, what? He said, how do you how do you let the stress, you know?

And the kindergartner said, what stress? And he said he said, you know, when you how long does it take you to to leave this stuff behind you when you go home? And I said, I don't I don't take this home with me. I'm usually okay by the time I get to my car. And and he said, how do you do that?

How do you do that? And at that time, at at CBS, it was in West Hollywood at the corner of Fairfax and Beverly, and there was one wall was all window at that time. And you could look out of the corner of Fairfax and Beverly and see, you know, the the world out there. And I so I took him over to the window. Come here.

Okay. Here's the deal. Life, game show. And, you know, and and the thing is, he thought it was clever. I thought it was clever too, you know, when I heard myself say it.

But it's one of those things it's one of those things that that your sponsor says to you, or you hear yourself saying to somebody, you sponsor it. Because because some of that stuff that that, that we say that has the ring of wisdom really doesn't come from us, and I and I and I have had to use that myself on a number of occasions since then. You know, when I get stressed out over something, go, oh, wait a minute. This is one of those life game show deals. And so so it's a good metaphor for me to to, keep things straight.

Anyway, I don't I don't even know why I I brought that. Oh, yeah. Because of your skit in the game show. Okay. So we're done with the game show portion of this.

I will talk. I, you know, I love doing this. It just tickles me to no end that somebody can call me from Montana, you know, and say, Hi, you don't know me, but would you like to come to Montana and talk about yourself for an hour? Yeah. Yes.

Yes. I would. Yeah. How much is it gonna cost? Oh, no.

We'll pay all your expenses. Money. And and you you know, and usually when you when you when you arrive, somebody meets you and, you know, and says, can we get you anything? You know, are you hungry? Are you we we got we've got you a nice hotel room and you got me a beautiful hotel room and and I wanna say, you know, I didn't, I didn't invent anything.

You know? I just like I just like spent a long time in my life, hurting everybody who ever cared about me, you know, falling down, breaking things, and losing things. Yep. You're the guy. Alright.

So So I'm I'm you know, it's sure. I'll do it. And yet, I know some people in Alcoholics Anonymous. I know some very, very good speakers who hate doing it. They they hate being asked, but they do it anyway.

I'm not like that. I I don't even know if I'm a good speaker, and I couldn't care less. But I love doing it. You know, I I, I wanted to be the speaker at the first meeting I ever went to. And, yeah.

But they didn't ask. I was a little drunk that night. And, you know, and it's pretty rare that they ever go, hey. Let's get the drunk guy to talk. And, so so I remember some stuff about that meeting.

There was, when I went to my first AA meeting, I was, I was a little embarrassed for you all, you know, because, I didn't, I I didn't know. I knew you could get my grandmother was a Pentecostal minister, and she ran a Skid Row mission in San Pedro, down in the docks of Los Angeles Los Angeles Harbor, and, on Beacon Street, which is a real tough area of the Los Angeles Harbor. And, my grandmother ran the Skid Row Mission down there, and she helped drunks to get sober, feed them soup and Jesus. So I knew you could get sober on soup and Jesus. It just never seemed worth it to me.

And and and, of course, I had I had friends who got sober in AA, and they never said anything about that god thing to me, you know, So I thought that AA was like the secular way to get sober, the way that the smart people got sober without God. I just assumed that. Nobody ever told me that. It just seemed like that to me. And so when I went to AA and I saw all these stuff about God as you understand him, and higher power and power greater than yourself and and trust God, clean house, help.

Oh my gosh. I thought, oh, man. Oh, no. And, so but, you know, I I stayed anyway, and, I didn't sit down. It was a, it was a meeting.

The first meeting was a meeting of about 50, 60 people, and there were empty chairs around the room and, places I could sit down, but I just it seemed like if I sat down, it would be like, oh, yeah. I'm joining up, you know. Like and I'm not a joiner. You know what I mean? I, I'm I never fit any place in my life.

I knew I wouldn't fit here. I I I never I didn't fit in in school. I didn't fit in the workplace. I didn't fit in my own family. You know, I I just I just didn't fit.

When I was in school, I played football. I loved playing football, but I wasn't a jock, and I knew it, and the jocks knew it. And and, I I surfed. I like I like surfing. I used to go down and surf all the time.

Surfed with the surfers, but I wasn't a surfer. And I knew I wasn't a surfer, and the surfers knew I wasn't a surfer. And and I I like to ride motorcycles and build motorcycles. I did that since I was 15 years old. It was an obsession with me, but I wasn't a biker.

And I knew it, and the bikers knew it. So, so when I came in here, I knew I wouldn't fit here because I never fit in place in my life, and I was used to not fitting, and I like not fitting, to tell the truth. I had no idea that I just walked into the biggest because you didn't appear to be misfits. You all appeared to be people who used to drink, but now you don't drink anymore, and you're real happy about that. In fact, you're just delighted about it.

And so I, wasn't like that. I wasn't you know, so I didn't wanna sit down. I kinda leaned against the wall in the back, crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, and there was another guy who leaned against the wall back there. It was a cool section. You know, here's some stuff.

You did some stuff at that meeting that that was very, very lame. It was real lame. In fact, I don't know if you have some places in the country, they don't have birthday cakes. In Southern California, they have birthday cakes. They if you My home group is called the Winners Attitude Adjustment Group.

It's a it's a 1 hour meeting. We meet at 7 AM every day of the year in the Little Brown Church in Studio City. And, and you can come to our meeting, walk in there, nobody's ever seen you before, we don't even know if you're sober or an alcoholic, and say, I'd like to take a cake. And the secretary will bring out a cake and put candles in it, and we'll sing to you, and then you can talk for as long as you feel like you need to talk. You might talk 15 minutes into a 1 hour book study, and then we say, thank you.

Keep coming back. You know? So that's what we do with birthdays or anniversaries, as they call them in some places. But it so my first meeting in Southern California, I went and I didn't know about that birthday thing. Nobody none of my sober friends had ever told me about it.

It. And they said, Ruth is celebrating 18 years tonight. So I'm looking around for some 18 year old tiny hiney to get up and, you know, oh, that's nice. Ruth's having a birthday. And, and this woman got up.

Ruth was 50 if she was a day, and I thought, she's 18. She ought to stop drinking. She yeah. Yeah. Because it's not working for her.

And and, so but then, then I realized what it was. It hit me. Oh my god. They're what they're celebrating, of course. This woman has not had a drink in 18 years.

And while I'm soaking that up, they start singing, happy birthday to you. And I'm looking around and everybody's into it. I'm I'm not. I'm in the cool section, you know, and, keep coming back. And she blew out the candles, and I'm thinking this is some level of lameness that I could not have imagined.

I I if I was gonna make stuff up about to make fun of AA, I wouldn't have thought of that birthday thing, and So Ruth gets up, and she says, I'm Ruth. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Ruth. And she said, I want you to know that over this last 18 years of sobriety, I have attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day. See, somebody said, wow.

You know, a lot of people in that room said, wow. And I have to I didn't. I oh, I sort of did. Wow. But I thought, well, you, you kind of dumb, ain't you?

Yeah. You're a little slow, ain't you, honey? Because, see, I'm a quick study. I'm like a a few bars and I'll fake it kind of guy. You know, I I I don't know how long it's gonna take me to get this thing, but I know that it's not gonna take every day for 18 years.

Just convinced of that. And, so good for you, Ruth. That's good. And I but I'm back there leaning against the wall in the cool section, and this other guy who's leaning against the wall, I thought he was cool, but he wasn't cool. He was a newcomer catcher.

And, you know, I didn't know you had them. And he comes over and he nudges me, goes, hey, I'll tell you what, you say sober a year, we'll give you one of them cakes. Really? Well, just just don't drink for a year. Can I eat a cake?

No. I I'll tell you, I'm I'm not a big, pastry eater, And if I wanted one, I'd, you know, I just, like, stop at Safeway on the way home. I mean, actually, I'm gonna stop get a 6 pack. It wouldn't even be out of my way. But, but thanks.

You know, I I knew he meant well, and I I was I was happy for all of them. But I'll tell you a couple of things that happened, though, at that first meeting. That was one that stuck in my mind. And another one was at the coffee break, 3 separate people, 3 individuals, and not together, 2 men and a woman came up to me. No, not like not like walking by, hey, how you doing dude?

You know, came up to me. Hi. Put out their hand and said, you're new. It wasn't a question. They said, you're new.

And I said, yeah. And they said, keep coming back. 3 separate people came up to me, put out their hand, and told me to keep coming back. And, we were talking about that tonight at dinner. You know, you remember people who do that to you, And yet we do that to people.

And sometimes we're not I I you know, I was telling Dick tonight, I might be saying, hey, listen. It's good to have you here. Keep coming back. Meanwhile, I'm looking at at cookies over here going, what kind of cookies they got? You know, those Oreos with chocolate chips?

But the person who I'm saying keep coming back to may remember years later that I welcomed them to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. So it's it's always good to put out your hand. But nobody nobody was telling me keep coming back. You know, people who who genuinely cared about me were saying, stay away from here. You know, don't don't come over here, Doug.

Okay? You know, it's like, hi. It's Doug. You know, you guys gonna be home for a while? No.

No. We're not, Doug. No. We're we you caught us that we were just going out the door. We're we're not gonna be here for a long, long time.

Okay then. Love you, mom. You know? And and, Maybe this will, give you the picture. I was uninvited to a wedding.

I was disinvited to a wedding. I had been invited. I was invited. I I RSVP'd. I bought him a wedding present.

The wedding was a few days away, And my friend Bob called and he said, Doug, Carol and I have been talking about it, and we decided to ask you not to come to the wedding. Now you think most people most nonalcoholic people would say, oh, why is that, Bob? You know, something I did or, did you just overbook or, you know, and it didn't even occur to me to ask him. I just said, oh, okay. Because I I knew why.

I whenever there's a function where there's drinking around, I'm not my behavior is not predictable. And, and so they didn't want me screwing up the the most important day of their life. And also, we had been at a wedding the weekend before, and, all of us in, you know, my circle of friends. And I, long story short, I I mooned the bride's mother and, you know, it's considered a social faux pas in in some circles, and and I, I didn't I didn't go there to moon the bride's mother. I'm sure, It just you know, it's not like I was driving over there going, boy, boy, I can hardly wait to moon the bride's mother over there.

You know? But it just I was drinking and everybody was having a good time, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny to show my ass? Why, you know? Why people would say, man, that dog is crazy. And, of course, they did.

But it it didn't have the connotation that I I was hoping for. But, and people will come up to me and I'll say, what's wrong with you? Could you moon the bride's mother? Sorry. Yeah.

It's like thought it was the groom's mother. No. Come on. Hey. Hey.

Lighten up, man. God, it wasn't at the ceremony. It was at the reception for, what am I, an animal? You know? And so that's when I got the nickname Doug Scusting, and and, that stuck that stuck for a while.

And, so what I'm saying is for for 3 strangers to tell me to keep coming back, I remember thinking, I you know, I think these people see my potential. And the, the secretary of that meeting said, she said, if you're new here tonight, don't leave here without this book. So I left with the book. I bought the book, and I took it home. And, I I read the well, I I didn't read it, but I I poured a drink and sat down and thumbed through it.

And, I have this ability to to look at the title of any chapter in any book and and know everything that's in the chapter. It's a, you know, it's a gift that I have. And, so I'm looking through this book, and I got, you know, doctor's opinion like I never had one of those. Yeah. You ought to not drink so much.

Okay. I know what's in there. Bill's story. Chapter 1. Bill's story.

Who cares? Chapter 2. There's a solution. Oh, I know what that is. That's a sales pitch.

Hey. There's a solution to your problem, young man. Okay. I know what's all that. More about alcoholism.

I'm sure that's fascinating for a later read. And, and then I got to chapter 4, we agnostics. And my alcoholic brain perceived this. Here's how the smart people got sober without God. So I read that chapter, and I got done with that chapter, and I said, I, must have spaced out because I, I'm I totally totally missed the whole smart people stay sober without God thing.

So I poured another drink and read it again, and, and I did this about half a dozen times. Evidently missed the first paragraph where it says, if when you honestly want to, you find you can't stop drinking entirely, or once you start, you have a little control over the amount you take, then you're probably an alcoholic. And if this be the case, you may be suffering from a disease which only a spiritual experience will conquer. You know, where's the smart people thing, you know. But I read that chapter several times at night and some stuff started to leak in, started to soak into my brain.

One of the things was about the 5th or 6th time I I got I read it, I saw this subtle little sentence that I think I think it's so subtle that most of us miss it, at least on the first read. It says, we have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him. Isn't that an interesting thing? It's real subtle, isn't it? We have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him.

Evidently, the finding is in the seeking because this is not what I heard at my grandmother's mission. My Pentecostal grandmother indicated to me, anything I say about organized religion is not an indictment of organized religion. I'm talking about my alcoholic drunken perception of what organized religion was. But it seemed to me that my grandmother's church said, if you want God to even hear your prayers, you must be baptized. You must be baptized.

Oh, yes. And not sprinkled like some damn Methodist either. No. No. No.

I'm talking about soaked. I'm talking about dumped. Talking about washed in the blood of the lamb coming up, shaking your head, putting me to get me a towel. And I you know, but, here was Alcoholics Anonymous saying God doesn't make too hard terms. I had a girlfriend who was Catholic, and it seemed to me that she had to go to communion and confession and all whole bunch of other things, only not even to talk to God.

She still couldn't talk to God. She could just like talk to his mom, you know. Hello. Hello, missus God, you know. It's Patty.

I'll tell him I love him, you know. And I, and my friend Michael was Jewish. See, I had a I had an eclectic, religious upbringing. My friend Michael was Jewish, and Michael and I would go out to lunch and he would order a BLT. Hold the bacon, please.

Dude, you just ordered a salad on toast, you know. I don't know what that is. Well, I don't wanna get God pissed off at me, you know. It's like so, you know, and then beside then there were Buddhists and Hindus and and Muslims. Oh, my.

And and it just seemed like everybody had a different way that you had to approach God. And so I it just it over the years, it just I had way too much education in LSD to to believe in God and or anything the least bit mystical. And I and I made no distinction between Mother Teresa and Osama Bin Laden, you know. If it was mystical, I don't want anything to do with it. And if anybody, by the way, is is offended that I mentioned, drugs, I would say I just did in an AA meeting, my apology.

I, it's it's just that it's part of my story, and I didn't know, you know, what my story was gonna be or where I was gonna use it and, you know, if, like somebody would say, you know I mean, I if I had known if I had known, I mean, those first time somebody said, hey, man. Try this. I would have said, you know, thanks, but I'm gonna be speaking at an AA meeting in 30 years and I don't wanna piss anybody off. You know? So, but I only I only used every drug I ever heard of, except for ones that I've heard of since I got sober.

And, and I'm curious. Ecstasy. That's a nice name, isn't it? That sounds like something I would like, you know, but that's why we have newcomers. Good to talk to newcomers.

Did you ever try that ecstasy stuff? Yes, I did. How was it? Well, I'm here. Okay.

Alright. That's all I need to know. So here was Alcoholics Anonymous in the big book in chapter 4 saying, we have found that God doesn't make too hard terms on those who seek him. So we found. So that got my interest a little bit.

Then I went on to read it, one of my favorite sentences in the book, written about me, I'm sure, before I was born. And it says, to be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face. Got a couple giggles. This is, this is a sentence designed for alcoholics to read. Because when we do, we go, that's right.

That's a pretty hard decision to make. Alright. Alcoholic death or a spiritual life. Now, I have yet to meet an earth person who has a hard time with this decision. In fact, here's one you can test.

You know, get yourself a clipboard and go stand in front of a Walmart sometime. Really. And stop people when they're coming out. Excuse me. I'm taking a survey.

Would you rather die an alcoholic death or live a spiritual life? Yeah. And see what the normies have to say about it because they generally don't have a hard time. The very, very curious normie might say something like, now when you say alcoholic death, you mean the one where you puff up and turn yellow and choke to death on your own blood and vomit? Your esophagus erupts.

Well, yeah. Yeah. But not right away. You know? Yeah.

I know you gotta lose everything first. You gotta hurt everybody ever cared about, but, yeah, that's the yellow pop up thing later on. What do you think? Now go get them a long line. You know, they all will.

In fact, if you do this survey and somebody and you ask them, excuse me, alcoholic death spiritual life and you get this. Are you gonna be here tomorrow? You know, they're on our team. You know? Yeah.

Tell what do you do on Saturday night? You wanna go someplace with me Saturday? So so this got my attention. It's got my attention a little bit, reading chapter 4 over and over and over, but I didn't stop drinking. I I I went to AA for 8 months.

I didn't have a home group, you know, I didn't want to get really too close to anybody, but I started like falling in love with AA, really. Because I started to realize that this I do feel I remember once when I was still drinking, I went to AAA, and people were sharing, and I identified with everything everybody said in the room, and I thought, God, I'm in a room full of Dugs. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm joining up.

And and I was going to meetings, but I didn't wanna get really too close. And I didn't have a home group, and I didn't have a sponsor. And I didn't read the big book except for occasionally chapter 4 looking for loopholes. And and, I didn't have a commitment, and I didn't take the steps, and I was drinking every day. But other than that, I had a pretty good program, And and, I I was I was I I went home one night from a meeting.

I very often, I would stop and buy a bottle of whiskey on the way to a meeting. And it's it's not a good thing to do, I guess. I would think, you know, like, okay, if it's a good meeting, then I won't drink it. You know, I'd leave it sealed under the seat and go to the meeting and then and then there wasn't any good meetings in 1986 And, fortunately because then I would had to throw away a perfectly good bottle of whiskey. So, so I would go home and drink this bottle of whiskey, and I did this on a regular basis.

So I I I, I went home one night after I've been going to AA for 8 months. I did an experiment one time. Actually, before I before I came to AA, I somebody had told me that if you don't drink for 3 days, that all the alcohol is out of your system in case you have to have some kind of test because, you know, you're gonna get tested for something. So I thought, oh, that would be an interesting thing to try and see how if I think I could go 3 days without a drink. I never tried it.

You know, I like drinking. And, so, I at midnight, this one day, I decided, okay. Starting midnight, I'm gonna go 3 days without a drink. So midnight, no it's midnight, no more drinking. So I went to bed pretty early that night, and then, I got up the next morning, I'm in my coffee, and I started to get out the whiskey to pour in the coffee.

Oh, that's right. 3 days without drinking. I'm gonna be sober, you know. So I just drank my coffee, and I went to work, come coffee break. It's like I really wanted to get a beer or a half pint or something, and I but I didn't.

I just, you know, had coffee and talked to the guys and stuff and then at lunch, guys were drinking beer at lunch, but I didn't. I just drank soda and ate my lunch and went back to work, and then we are done at work and at 4 o'clock. And I started home, and I'm thinking going home. God, you know, but, I haven't had a drink since midnight. Midnight to noon is 12 hours, and then to 4 is what, 16:16 hours, almost 18 hours.

18 hours is, 3 quarters of a day, And, 3 quarters of a day is almost a day. And, if I can go one day, I can go 3 days. So I might as well just get something and drink it. And and so, so that was the only time I ever went, actually, 3 days without drinking it, which lasted 16 hours. So so that's probably had to do something with the reason that that I was I was a little skeptical about stopping drinking.

I really didn't care for it. And, but this one night that I went home and I I had my 5th whiskey, and I was laying on the floor drinking and watching TV, and I passed out. And that happened all the time. I woke up about 3 o'clock in the morning, turned off the TV, got my half a bottle of whiskey, crawled on my hands and knees across the living room through the hallway into the bedroom to go to bed. And when I got in there, I, I stood up to, take off my clothes, and I had this bottle in my hand, and I lost my balance.

And I fell on my knees next to the bed, and I spilled this whiskey in it. Picked up the bottle real quick, and there was about this much left in the bottom. But most of it was spilled on the bed, and, it was making its little puddle. You know, it's making this little whiskey lake in the middle of my bed and I I watch. I set the bottle down in a safe place and, grab this bedspread and I started sucking the whiskey out of it.

Just sucking it for all I was worth. And at some a voice in my head said, amen, that ain't right. You know, and I I that's yeah, that's true. There's whiskey in the bottle, man. Are you thirsty?

Not thirsty. I'm frugal. And I saw myself sucking this whiskey out of the bedspread, and I just felt wrong about it, and I felt alone and lost. And I thought, I've been going to AA for 8 months, and I have not learned how to not suck whiskey out of a bedspread. I I'm not paying attention.

And, you know, I mean, I really did feel lost. I can joke about it, but but I just felt absolutely lost. And, and I did something that well, I don't think it was very smart. What I did was I, I said, god, if you're there, please help me. And I meant it.

I absolutely meant it. I didn't think there was anybody listening. It's not like all of a sudden I came to believe. I just didn't know what else to do. It was a prayer of desperation, and I can't even say for sure if I knew it was a prayer when I said it.

But I said, god, if you're there, please help me. And I just surrendered. I I went to bed. I went to sleep. Now I didn't quit drinking.

The next day, I got up and I went to, work. I went to my favorite liquor store, my neighborhood liquor store on the way home from work. And I went in to get a half pint, and there was a guy from AA behind the counter of the liquor store. That couldn't happen. I knew everybody was ever behind the counter of that liquor store.

But there was an AA guy behind the counter. Hey. What are you doing here? He said, what are you doing here? And so then I and I I was in a restaurant a couple days later and and, started to order a drink in the part of town that I wasn't used to being in, and the waitress was somebody I knew from AA.

You know what? Hey. And I'm I'm in the market in the liquor department, reaching up for a bottle to put in my shopping cart, and there's a gal from AA pushing a cart towards me. Hey. One day at a time.

Keep it simple. Isn't it a beautiful life? You know what I mean? And, and and these kind of things were happening every day, every day for a couple of weeks to be these AA people. And and one day, after a couple of weeks of this, I was on the way to work, about 6:15.

I just killed a half pint of whiskey, and and, I don't keep empty bottles in the car. They're illegal in California and, they're useless too. And and, so, so I rolled down the window and there's a guy from AA driving towards me at 6:15 in the morning. And, he waves, and I throw a bottle out the window. And and I thought, what?

Where are these people coming from? Everywhere I go, there's these AA people. They're like cockroaches. They just come out, you know, like, the sun comes up. Hey.

Let's have a meeting. Where are we? We see a person there. You know? And And I thought, you know, it's it's like those miracles that they talk about in meetings.

And as soon as I thought the word miracle, soon as the word miracle came into my mind, it was sort of like I could hear God laughing. You know? And, and I remembered that I had been on my knees and said, God, if you're there, please help me. And I thought, I'm a victim of miracles. I asked for help.

I got to help just like they say. And, and it's and it's the moment that I came to believe. It's the moment that I came to believe. You know? I I I can't express it any differently than that.

And it's the moment that I started to hear the music of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I like to talk about the music of Alcoholics Anonymous because the lyrics the lyrics are very confusing. You know, when you're new, when I was new, I I must say, the lyrics were the words, just the words, you know, when they all those regular things they tell you like, well, you gotta surrender to win, you know, like, okay. And, you gotta give it away to keep it. Well, I know what that is.

That means put some money in the basket, you know, that, give it away to keep it. And, you know, and I hear people say, it's a couple of people say, well, the road gets narrower. And I so I asked this one guy, what is that what is that road gets narrower thing? You know, is that a good thing? You know, it's like I don't know.

It seems like it would be inconvenient. You know, I I I did a lot of one eye driving and it's, you know, it seemed like it's something you wouldn't want. And he said, no. No. No.

You know, it's here's an example. He said, when I was when I first got sober, I I used to smoke, and I would be driving down the street, and I throw my cigarette butts out the window. I did it all the time. And then one day, it just hit me. I don't know if it was from God or what, but I just realized I could start a fire.

You know, throwing a cigarette. I need to be responsible and throwing them out the window. And then I realized I'm also littering. Okay. It's just a cigarette butt but it's contributing to the litter of the world.

And so I started putting them in the ashtray, and I dumped my ashtray in a trash can. And and eventually, I even quit smoking. He said, so, you know, it's I think that's what it means. Now I understand that. Once somebody explained it to me, I understand that.

And so I'm now I'm walking around AA going, well, the road gets narrower, you know. You wanna know what that means, you know. Well, it was when Bob before Bob used to smoke, you know. It's like and and I one day, I I said there there was a guy, he wasn't even talking to me. He was talking to some guys he sponsored and he said, you know, I'll tell you what, Alcoholics Anonymous is full of beautiful women.

Beautiful in every way. You know? They're beautiful in the way they dress, the way they look, the way they act, the way they talk. They're smart, funny women, sexy women, but I don't play. I leave them alone.

I'm a married man, and I don't play. And I said, the road gets narrower. And he and he and he said, excuse me? I said, the road gets narrower. He said, where'd you get that?

See, he I shouldn't even have been in the conversation, but I thought he'd be happy for my input. But, so where'd you get that? I said, in the big book? Well, I didn't. You know?

But I I I heard a lot of people get away with a lot of crap, you know, saying it came out of the big book. So, I said the big book and he knew the book and, so I shouldn't have said that. He said, because my book doesn't say anything about the road getting narrower. I I thought I we have the same book. Maybe you got a different one because my book on page 55, it says, why don't you come and join us on the broad highway?

Not the narrow road, the broad highway. And and then on 75, it says, you're gonna feel like you're walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe, guess where, on the broad highway. Yeah. Don't say nothing about no road getting narrower. Where'd you get that, son?

I said, you know, I was just trying to help. And I was embarrassed, and Guys were laughing at me and but I hadn't started to hear the music. Once I started to hear the music, the words started to make sense. I could dig the lyrics. You know?

When I took my first honest 30 day chip now I don't know if they have chips here. In Southern California, they give chips to help you, you know, so you feel good about, you know, 30 days 60 days 90 days 6 months 9 months. And so I had taken a lot of different chips. One time I took a chip at a group, I had never been at because I heard somebody at the coffee girl talking to her friend said, my sponsor says I can't have sex for 6 months. So I took a 6 month chip at that meeting and, you know, just in case I might get lucky.

I wish I had a picture of me at that meeting. I couldn't have got lucky in a women's prison with a pocket full of pardons, you know, but just in case. So what I'm saying is, but by the time I got sober, I had enough chips to open a casino. But when I actually had 30 days and got up at the Burbank Group to take my first honest 30 day chip, and they said, anybody for sober 30 days? And I got up and I took the chip, and I said, my name is Doug.

I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Doug. And I felt like part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I felt like part of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time. And I sat down and I was just just glowing.

And I remember feeling just as happy about this guy who I didn't care for taking a 9 month chip as I was about my own 30 day chip. And I thought, what's that? What is that? You know, and people took cakes. And, and I was part of this thing.

And I at the coffee break, I started to get my coffee, and there's a guy stopped me, and he said, congratulations on your 30 days. I said, thanks. And he said, you know what the secret is? I said, no, don't drink, I guess. And he said, hang on.

Just hang on. You think you can do that? And I said, yeah. Yeah. I can do that.

I've been doing it 30 days now, you know. And so I go get my coffee and there's a guy at the Burbank group named Jim Bee, he's one of these gladhand and backslapping alcoholics. I've seen him all over AA, all over the country, you know. Said, son, congratulations on your 30 days. And I said, thank you.

And he said, you know you know what the secret is? I said, yep. Hang on. And he said, nope. Let go.

Alright. So the secret, hang on. No. Let go. So but I didn't care.

I'd already started to hear the music. That's why the words didn't bother me. I know the guy that said, hang on. He's talking about keep coming back. He's talking about stay close.

You know, and Jim that told me, let go, he's talking about let go and let God. Because once you start to hear the music, the words, it's cooked, the way you can, you know, I'll give an 86, Dick, you can dance to it. You know what I'm saying? In chapter 5, it's read at most meetings, Jason read tonight. It talks about honesty a lot, a lot in chapter 5.