The 18th annual Spirit of Houston

Yeah. We're we're off to a great start now, buddy. My name is Chris Raymer. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Chris.

Can y'all can y'all hear me alright? Thanks, Dave. Thanks anybody that had anything to do with getting me here. I'm I'm honored to be here. And, I there'll be people in this audience that will love this talk and this room is full of people that I have known for years and love dearly and there's some people in this room that will never come back, and they will be they will be quite irritated.

Please, I need to thank the committee for letting me come up and do this. It's an honor. I'm gonna try to watch my language and make sure I don't cuss too much tonight, because I know we got some young ones in the audience. And I'll probably feel miserable at that, but I'm gonna try to do it anyway. And I, I wanna thank Pandora a bunch for getting these arrangements ahead of time and doing this stuff.

We've, travel has gotten to be kinda nuts since 911, and it takes a lot more to do these things than it used to and scheduling and blah blah blah. She, scheduled this ages ago, and I was honored to be able to set to to fit this in. It's it's a I get I get to travel a lot. I was talking to a a cat earlier and I I think I offended him. I I need to make some stuff clear before I get started because I wanna make sure we're all on the same page.

I I travel a lot. I I speak a lot. And, I don't speak a lot because I have an interesting story. I speak a lot because I'm pretty pretty controversial. I I I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and I nearly died getting to this fellowship.

And, and once I got to this fellowship, I I nearly died again. And and and some of the stuff I'm gonna talk about tonight is gonna make some of you feel a little uncomfortable. And and if that if if that's the case, so good. You you probably need to feel uncomfortable. I mean, you know, let's look at let's look at something real quick.

Give me a minute to get cranking here. Let's look at something real quick. I'm keeping an eye on a on a clock too, because I and I know exactly because I don't wanna keep you very long. If you guys can last about 45 minutes with me, you get a little purple hearts, you know. It's like, something something something.

At some of these, we bought. We just read it. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnest in our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old our old, time, just read that.

Our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. And I'm gonna tell you guys, just because you're an Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't mean that you've gotten rid of all your old ideas. And a lot of you cats came to us via treatment centers, via therapists, via maybe some groups that weren't exactly on the page. And so some of the stuff I'm gonna talk about tonight is gonna seem a little controversial to you. You cats on this side of the room, guys, listen.

If you see him rushing me, warn me. Okay? So I can because I can't I'm I'm I'm pretty quick. I gotta tell you. I can I I usually catch you, but usually all my buddies sit over here and all my enemies sit over here so they can You see, if I don't do anything stupid this time next week, I'll have 15 years of sobriety?

And and I Yeah. I, I, that's an amazing thing for me. I'm I'm a cat that could not not drink. And, again, I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna be around all week long, and so some of the stuff I'm gonna talk about is gonna be offensive to you, then then please, by all means, come up later and and and I'll eat crow and and make amends to you.

I won't I won't really mean mean it, but but I'll make amends to you. I just think we're all adults, you know, we have to look at some stuff. I mean, I I gotta get down to brass. I mean, I almost died getting to this fellowship, and once I got here, I nearly died again. I mean, I listened to the stuff in some of our meetings just scares the the bejesus out of me, you know.

And it's like everybody looks around and says, well, it's okay. It's part it's AA. It's AA. Let me let me be the first just to tell you from the podium, it's not AA. I mean, let let we gotta give, like, one more thing.

We'll get and we'll get moving on this. This will be good. On page 34. Alright? Alright.

Y'all brought your books, didn't you? On page 34. I'm getting blind. I gotta use the little cheaters. These are pretty fine looking glasses, don't you think?

Buddy, I'll tell you, I just got back from New York, and they gave me a raft about these glasses. They just filmed laughing about those glasses in New York. They think everybody in Texas is or fruitcakes wearing these kind of glasses. I don't know. On page 34, here's what it says.

Now nobody talked to me about this. I went my to my first AA meeting about 1980, and nobody talked to me about this. So I'm I I but I'm I'm reading it every time I go to a meeting now, because I'm I need to need to get straight with this. For those who are unable to drink moderately, the question is how to stop altogether. What a concept.

We're assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Now I'm sitting up here from the podium talking to a bunch of drunks in this room, and I'm gonna tell you, that's an assumption. I don't assume for a second that everybody in this room wants to get sober and stay sober. You're not all on the same page with me, and that's okay. That bless you.

That's okay. You don't have to be on the same page with me. You might like it, but I don't know. Let's just see. Here, here's the kicker, and I'm gonna read it twice because it's gonna go right past you the first time I read it.

It did me. Whether such a person can quit on a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he's gonna drink or not. You with me? Whether such a person can quit on a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the ability to choose whether he's gonna do it or not. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it, the under the utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.

Now, folks, that's alcoholism. If you stopped drinking because you got in trouble with the law or because the little wifey poo asked you to stop and you and you quit, you're welcome in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're welcome in my meetings. But I wanna be the first to say it from the podium, you better be careful what you're saying in my meeting because you don't need spiritual intervention to quit. That means that you don't need to work the steps, and it means you don't need to follow the traditions, and you can do it any way you want.

And shame on you for sharing that in meetings and killing alcoholics like me who have to have the spiritual experience in order to get well. That's the one that had the Spanish flying it. I know what it should be. Alright. You can tell you're back in Texas.

They didn't understand the Spanish fly joke in New York. I don't understand. Okay. So the bottom line is here here. This is the most controversial thing I say from the podium, and I'll get on with the business.

And then you you guys that that were ready to get up and go ahead and leave, go ahead and smoke a cigarette, and then it was nice nice getting to see you this weekend. Well, let's let's do breakfast in the morning. Okay. If you believe it's your God given right to walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and say anything you want, you're not gonna like this talk. Please go smoke now.

I mean, I I mean, really, I'm giving you a chance to back out of here instead of just grinding your teeth. You know? I mean, I I don't know what to tell you. You know? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I got sober, in 1987, and I went to my first AA meeting in 1980. I lived down in Ingram, Texas. It's a little old country town down around Kerrville, which is just west of San Antonio.

Y'all know where San Antonio is. It's down in the sheep country, in the camp country, and there's a lot of tourists down there. I work for a treatment center down there. I do clerical work for treatment center. No.

I don't break traditions. I don't get paid to carry the message. Dig. I don't wanna hear any of that tonight. Okay?

Here's what I do. I do clerical work. I run a little store and in the process of doing this, I get a chance to come across a bunch of the alcoholics and addicts that come through there. I get a chance to do some some big book work with them. And that and it's such an honor to get to do that, to just sit down with somebody that's fresh in the program, who is who is dying of a of a fatal illness, and then we get a chance to give them some hope.

And I'm gonna tell you something, folks. I I I went out there initially to work for a few few months, you know, just to make ends meet. And I've been there 9 years, and I and I hope I'm there 9 more. I I don't know what to say. It's it's an honor to be a a a part of that institution.

But the message I'm carrying tonight, it I think one of the reasons that I'm so passionate from the podium, I have a tendency to raise my voice a little bit, is that not only have I have I nearly died in this fellowship trying to get here, but I watch a lot of these cats come into my my my hospital, the fellowship. I mean, we get these cats come through there. We get we get about a1000 a year through this hospital, and I get a chance to rub elbows with every one of them, and I get to ask them the questions. And and and the stuff out of their mouth for 9 years has been the same. Buddy, how come you didn't stay sober in Alcoholics Anonymous?

I mean, I got sober in AA. I didn't get sober in a treatment center. I got sober in AA. Well, how come you didn't get sober in AA? You with me?

Without exception, war stories, too many war stories, and people whining about their problems. Ain't that great? That was so good. That was not that was great. I hope that shows up on a tape.

I that's it. That's that's great. But you see, most of us in this room are on on the same playing field. See? But I'm gonna talk about it tonight, you know, and it's not like I haven't ever done it, buddy.

Listen. You're looking at the consummate victim here, buddy. I mean, I've used AA as a dumping ground since 1980. I mean, I buddy, you can't get a date. You you can't get a job coming to AA in Hawaii in a while, and I guarantee you somebody will have pity on you.

I mean, I'm gonna tell you. I mean, it's the best gig in if that's all you got, it's the best deal in town. But see, this is where the confusion is because a lot of you cats have come to us through treatment centers, and you were told to do that. And a lot of us came to AA and we were told to do that by the people that that sponsored us into the fellowship. All I want you to do is the old idea I want you to get rid of is that maybe maybe as a fellowship, we're not on the same page.

Maybe we've gotten off the track. Maybe that wasn't the intended message that Bill and doctor Bob and the first one hundred had in mind. Maybe. No maybe to it. Pick up the book, read the archives, and it'll tell you.

Alcoholics Anonymous right now has the worst success rate in in in 67 years of its history. We have our worst success rate. Everybody's so busy pointing finger at the drug addict. It's them damn drug addicts. No, it ain't.

This is it this, it's that, it's this, it's that. No, it's not. It's that the message that we heard back in the early days when success rates were 75% and better back in 1940 when we had a very clear message. You know what we talked about in 1940? God in the steps.

You know what we talk about today? Who knows? Thank you. Thank you. Who knows?

We still do it. I'm gonna tell you something guys. We've seen a big movement in this country though. A lot of people getting sick and tired of that stuff. And what they're doing is they're changing the formats of their meeting to not allow it to happen.

And we're starting to see a whole bunch of people talking about the literature. Let me tell you what happened to me. Okay? 1972, I went to to here to Houston. I'm I'm I spent about 10 years on and off here in Houston.

I absolutely adore this town. I I I know a lot of y'all can't wait to get out of here, but I just I'd love to move back. I just I just I don't know what to say. Love it. Absolutely love it.

Don't remember a lot of it. I was drunk most of the time, but I love it. I I lived down in Montrose when it was cool, and I worked at the Warwick Hotel for a couple of years. I mean, I do it was just a cool place to be. And and, I moved to the to Houston, as an apprentice.

I was in a food business. I wanted to be a chef and I got an apprenticeship program at at the then the old Houston Oaks Hotel. And I and I started working over there and I was quite successful in that business and I and I started making a little money and but, you know, the depression was kicking my, you know what, my my dad had been an alcoholic and I and I knew that the beer was gonna be a problem for me, so I was trying to stay away from that. But the only thing that alleviated the depression that made me okay inside was a couple of brewskies, little vino dig, and and and it started getting out of hand because I've got the physical allergy, and I can't control it once I start to drink it. So sometimes it would just get a little bit away, and I'd over drink a bit.

You know what I'm saying? My first wife used to say, you you seem to get so thirsty. It was like, you never quite put 22 together. It had nothing to do with the thirst, You know, and it had nothing to do with the taste. You know, she drink that drink a beer that I drink.

She's, how can you drink that nasty stuff? It's because it's cheap. That's how I come to do it. And it's got the same amount of alcohol in it as your nice, you know, whatever you're drinking. I said, you know, it's it's economics.

Shit. I started doing a bunch of geographicals. I went to Austin for a period of time. I went to went to Atlanta. I went to Vernon, Texas.

It was a dry county. You know, you had to get you had to drive 60 miles to get a beer in that stupid town. It was nuts. We we we did it a couple of times a week. You know, we would go go buy cases of beer and everything.

See, what alcoholics how can I put this? What what normal there's I know there's some people in here that are not alcoholic and addict, and they they'll they might understand this. But I think it's the toughest thing that we have to do when we explain to when we're talking to the family members is that alcoholics and addicts are different than normal people. You'll follow us? I mean, there's an industry out there that wants us to be real real weird.

I mean, it's just different, you know. But in one area, we cannot control the stuff once we put it in our body and given sufficient reason just I just read it. We can't stop. So you think family members think, well, when it gets bad enough, they'll quit. Guys, death is when it's gonna get bad enough because we don't remember the consequences.

We just keep going back again. I stop for short periods of time and and start fooling myself, thinking everything's gonna be okay, and then I start doing it again. And that's why I need the spiritual experience in order to recover from this ridiculously, tragic illness. It's a disease, folks. If you're wired this way, you got it.

It's fatal and you're gonna die from it if you don't have the spiritual experience. Nowhere in my book does it say, if you finally work through that issue, you're gonna get well. It says, if you have the I'm not knocking the issues. I think we need to work through the issues, But I'm saying what we need to focus on is the spiritual experience. See?

And that's what nobody would talk to me about when I finally got to this fellowship, because we were too busy trying to fix Chris Ramer. I'll tell you about it. 1980, I'm married. I'm living up in North Texas. I have, sent my first wife to, she had a nervous breakdown as a result of living with me.

She wasn't drinking, and she wasn't drugged. She was just living with somebody that was absolutely certifiably crazy. And, bless her heart, as a result of that seeing that counselor, that counselor there in up in North Texas sent me to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I went to my first AA meeting. And that was to be my beginning of my journey. I had guys, I was a functioning alcoholic.

I need to explain it to you real quick because I had some times when I was I I was I was talking to somebody earlier. I was I was eating out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas. Things got a little tight here, you know. And, but I had sometimes that I was living in a penthouse downtown too. I mean, I you know, it's like, I get a got a lot of money.

I got no money. And it's like, you know, I'm I'm flush, you know. It's nuts. The depression is what I couldn't get past, folks. The depression is what I couldn't get.

And so I'm going in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous trying to get better. And I and I I come into your meetings, and the first thing you wanna do is start with your stupid war stories. Now now, guys, I'm in your AA meeting. I'm here. The book says that there's a place for your 12 state your your your war story is a thing called a 12 step call.

Can you can you all say that? 12 step call. That means when you go to Denny's and there's a dunk in there, you know, and you sit down at the booth with him and drink a little coffee and talk to him about how you got, you know, what your life and so they can get a little identification. And then we get the guy when he says, yeah, I want what you've got. Then we get him and we bring him to a meeting.

At that particular point, you don't you you don't have to tell him anymore war stories. He's here. They got these people all the time. All we have is our story. Listen, let me tell you something, buddy.

If that's all I got is my stupid war stories, then shame on me. If I think for a second that you listening to my stupid story of eating out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas is gonna scare you into sobriety. If you're a real alcoholic, you're not gonna buy that stuff anyway. Y'all with me? My book says on page 17, we all have a common problem, but we got the common solution too.

And that's what we need to talk about. I'm gonna talk about the common problem at Denny's, and then I'm gonna bring him into a meeting. And now we're gonna talk about the common solution because I got him here now. I need to keep him here. What a concept.

Did we do that? Nope. Not for Chris Raymer. We sat there and tried to scare his little skinny butt to death. And I'm listening I've talked about this for 10 years from the podium, folks.

I I can remember it like it was yesterday. I'm sitting there listening to all your stupid war stories and we're going around in a circle and you're giving me this. Well, I had 2 DWIs. I've never had one DWI. Check.

Well, I've been to the federal penitent. Check. I was in 6 car. Check. I blacked out.

Check. I piss my pants. Check. Check. Check.

Check. Check. You know what I'm saying? I mean, this is nuts and stupid. I mean, what do we assume that everybody in this room is on the same page with that nonsense?

You got a businesswoman that just comes in. Right? She She's drink she's going out at lunchtime. She's got a little wine cooler out there. She's drinking.

She got a bottle of vodka. She's coming apart at the seams. She's she's she's got a husband and kids, and she's never been in the liquor trouble, but she can't stop drinking. Because when she stops drinking, she comes apart at the seams. Y'all with me?

And she comes into a meeting and then she's gonna listen to me tell my story again about the dumpster. And we sit there and let it happen. Unbelievable. Show me in the book where it says, there's a chapter back here. So show me in the book it says, in the scare.

Show me where the chapter is, where we're supposed to to to to initiate a bunch of fear into the newcomer. That's why we can't keep the newcomers. That's why we can't keep the young adults in our meetings because we're too busy trying to scare them in here. My book says we're supposed to pull them with a vision Pull them with a vision of how great, absolutely great life is. That's what we're supposed to do.

Are we gonna do that? No. No. We're too busy trying to scare you with a bunch of stupid war stories. We gotta stop.

And you know what happens when we finish with the war stories? You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take off the old AA hat, and we're gonna put on the old junior therapy hat. Because all god's chillin's chillin's got troubles, and Mike and my group is gonna help you get well. We're gonna we're gonna help you with every every problem you've got.

We're gonna try to help you with it. I was in a meeting in San Antonio, Texas 2 weeks ago, and I'm telling you, they knew I was in the room and they started the meeting like this anyway. They they they did Read the preamble? How it works? Nice meeting, steps on the wall, traditions, everything cool so far, everything's great, setting up to be a good meeting.

Chairperson, well, I didn't have time to pick a topic today. So much for being a responsible member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have time to do that. Of course, I had time to do everything else under the sun. Thank you very much.

Didn't have time to pick a topic. So anybody in here have a problem they need to talk about? Good. Come on, guys. Who doesn't have a problem in here that they need to talk about?

I'm gonna run this by you one more time. Alcoholism and drug addiction. Alcoholism, dig right here, is a disease, genetic in nature. You You have a physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession. The underlying reason for this whole thing is a thing called a spiritual malady, and it doesn't have a rat's butt thing to do with your problems.

I don't know. I can look I don't know I don't know how we can get any clearer than this. I mean, guys, I've done this, and every time I've ever done a talk for the last 5 years, I feel just compelled to do it because you guys are great audience. I gotta I gotta do this. How many of you guys drank a drug when you had a lot of money in your pocket?

Let the record show every hand in the house is up. How many of you drank a drug when you didn't have a penny in your pocket? How many when you lived in a big beautiful home? Burned out trailer? When you had a great job?

Crappy job? Same hands. Here's the kicker. How many when you was in a great relationship with somebody that you truly loved? How many when you was dating Satan's offspring?

It's the same. It's the same. I love it. I love it. Guys, it doesn't matter if if I'm doing that in in Canada.

It doesn't matter if I'm doing that in New York or Phoenix or wherever I'm talking. It doesn't matter down in Mississippi. It's the same every place. Everybody guys, there's a line great line in in the book. In Fred's story, he says, it was it was the end y'all know Fred's story in there?

On page 3536 in there. He says, it was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. Next paragraph. He gets drunk. It's like, no.

Guys, how can how can we beat it was the end of a perfect day. I mean, not a cloud on the horizon. I mean, how are we gonna defend ourselves from that? We're not. We're not.

That's the that's the strange mental blank spot. That's the mental twist that the book talks about. The only way that I'm gonna survive this crazy insanity is to regain some sanity. How do you do that? You have a spiritual experience as a result to work in the steps.

Bill Wilson wrote a little little, pamphlet that Alcoholics Anonymous produces it. It's called Problems Other Than Alcohol. It's a great little pamphlet. It's got some pretty good stuff in it, especially some of you cats in here that are that are having some problems with pills and stuff. Some good stuff in that little pamphlet.

But one of the key lines in there, it says sobriety dash freedom from alcohol dash through the teaching and practice of the 12 steps is the sole purpose of an AA group. Groups have repeatedly tried other activities and they always fail. Sole purpose of an AA group is to try to help you stay sober. Guys, I I no. I don't understand how we can do this.

Excuse me, bud. I started to speak in tongues there for a minute. I'm trying to be real conservative. I ain't trying to change my image here. Listen.

Listen, guys. How do we do this? We walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting tonight anywhere anywhere in Houston, Texas and some drug addict will come in and wanna start talking about crack cocaine. And there won't be an an AA meeting in here that won't shut him down. And listen, I'm gonna tell you something.

I believe in single and some purpose and I believe he should be shut down. AA is for alcoholics. I'm I don't have a problem with that. But, you know, we don't have a problem doing that. But yet you come in there, wanna talk about your stupid divorce one more time, and nobody wants to say anything.

Well, that's okay. Go ahead. She she needs a place to share. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a fact. She needs a place to share. Does it have to be in my AA meeting? What What about the guy over there in the corner that's dying of alcoholism, he's got the d t's, he's trying to detox in your meeting, he's never been married. Now what kind of help is he gonna get?

But he came to your meeting to get help, to learn how to have a spiritual experience. But they're not gonna have time to share that information with the cat because we're too busy trying to play junior therapist with this woman with a divorce. And it could have been a man. Come on, guys. I've heard it a 1000 times.

We wanna talk about the job. We wanna talk about the money. We wanna talk about the kids. We wanna talk about the cat that scratched the stupid chair. We wanna talk about I'm just I'm just here's here's my favorite line.

It just absolutely makes me wanna I'm just having a bad day. I just need a minute to share a minute. Listen. Come on, guys. Who in the hell do you think you are?

I mean, really? Really? And we've all done it. I've done it. I'm gonna ask you point blank.

Who do you think you are? What do you think this is about? The newcomer that's coming in detoxing and needs some help, he's having a bad day. We're supposed to be there for the newcomer, but you're gonna share about your bad day. I suggest very strongly that you look at your sponsorship lineage.

I suggest very strongly that you call your sponsor and try to visit with him a little bit about that. And you might wanna read page 62 where it talks about selfish and self centeredness being the root of my problems. Unbelievable. Selfish and self centeredness is the root of my problems. It's always been about me.

Forever it's been about me. Y'all follow what I'm saying? For just a second though, Chris Ramer, can you not think about yourself and just think about them for a minute? Gosh. You know the best days I've got are when I'm so deep in work with another newcomer, it's not even funny.

Those are the happiest moments of my life, because I'm not worried about guess who's taking care of my stuff while I'm taking care of your stuff? God. Listen. I need to move on with this because, I'm a run out of time, but Let me let me make a make a point because sometimes I I have a tendency to get a little confused here. I wanna make sure that everybody in this room, everybody from that side right over there clear back over to this side over here, and anybody listen to these tapes, I want them to understand exactly what I'm saying.

Every person in this world has got issues. And every person in this world, I personally believe this is an opinion of mine. If you're an Alcoholics Anonymous right now and you're not seeing a therapist occasionally, you're probably screwing up. I think I think good listen. AA is not a catchall for every problem you've got.

I think a good therapist can help you with a lot of things, and I think you need to see one. What you don't need to do is come into my meetings and try to get it for free. I need to tell you, I see one today. I see one today. I I I went through a a rough divorce last year, and, and there were some pieces in there that I needed to really look at.

And I I needed to I doubled up on some meetings and I worked with some drunks, but I also saw a therapist. And I'm grateful that that therapist was there. There was a cat back in 1976. This guy was named Bob Bacon. And, he's a delegate from Northeast Ohio.

Supposedly, he's passed away, so I broke his anonymity. But here in this little article in here, it was a it was a it was an excerpt from a tape. This delegate, 1976, some of you guys weren't even born then. Are we to content that our AA meet see, are we, in the content of our AA meetings, getting away from AA's basics? I believe we are.

Alcoholics Anonymous is growing at a faster rate than in any time since the forties, and I suspect we are not ready for such growth. Have we gotten a little complacent and smug in our well-being? People today are coming to Alcoholics Anonymous in far better shape physically and mentally than most of us did. We need to show them how we learned to stay sober. If our meetings consist mostly of drinking experiences, our ideas and opinions and opinions and opinions.

Do we now? I know we're gonna fix them to find out. We are not doing our jobs. Doctor Bob said our program was boiled down to love and service. I mean, that's what's our what's our job?

It's to show somebody to have a spiritual experience. Guys, I walk in Alcoa Synonymous 1979, and nobody told me how to have a spiritual experience. They told me, don't worry about the god stuff and easy does it. Take your time to work the steps. Now that's what they told me in 1980 1979, 1980 when I got here.

And I did exactly what they asked me to do. I didn't worry about the God thing, and I didn't do the steps. Consequently, I didn't have a spiritual experience. Consequently, I lost that wife and I lost the 3rd and 4th business. And in 1980, I tried to commit suicide.

And in 1987, I tried a little harder. I went home one day after work and, cold November night and took a bottle of pills and a bottle of booze and went to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw. I was not who my daddy raised. I was raised in a great wonderful home, a lot of love, and I was raised in a church, I need to tell you. But the person staring back at me was not the person that I intended to be.

And I did what so many people in this fellowship and in this room tonight have tried to do. About halfway through that experience, I heard a voice that said, don't do it. I don't know what I heard. We laugh about it. It could've been the guy's vacuum cleaner next door.

I don't know what I I don't know what I heard. What I heard was, don't do it. Go back to AA. And I'm sitting there, guys, inebriated, arguing with God. You know, it's like, you know, God, buddy, we've done this AA stuff.

We've done it. It didn't work. I'm still drunk. 7 years in and out. I'm a I'm a poster boy for the idea that meeting makers don't make it.

People that work the steps make it, but I didn't know that. I I boarded the attempt, and the next day, I got a doctor that gave me some doggy downers and helped me detox. And that night, I went into my first AA meeting. It was a long stretch there that I hadn't been going. I went back into Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was a different group that I'd ever been to before, and I've told the story a 1000 times, folks. I'll make it quick, but it was it was pretty simple. It was pretty poignant. I walked in the back door of this of this AA meeting, and I walked in the back door, and there's about 40 people in the room, and they're all laughing and smoking cigarettes and they're having a good time. And I'm gonna tell you something, folks.

I listened to that laughter, and I hated their guts, because I hated myself so bad it wasn't even funny. I knew I needed to go in there. I knew that that was the last house on the block. The antidepressants weren't working. The therapy hadn't worked.

The job changes hadn't worked. The women hadn't worked. The money hadn't nothing had worked. Because at the end of the day, I was left alone with me and what's inside, and I wanted to die. And I walked in that room, and there was a I'm telling you guys, there was a little girl that got between me and the door and wouldn't let me out, because I started to back out about the time they started laughing.

And she slapped me on the leg and pulled me down on the chair next to her, and she said, sit down, buddy. She said, sit down, cowboy. And she slapped me on the leg, and she sat me down. It was up in North Texas. That girl was 19 years old.

And I'm a tell you right now, if you're a young adult in this fellowship and you don't feel apart, you hear this. If it hadn't been for 19 year old girl, I'd have been dead today because I was gone. And I sat there in that room and the chairperson said, let's go around tonight. Let's don't do the usual first step stuff. Let's go around tonight and let's share a little bit with old Chrissy because they'd seen me up in North Texas for years.

I picked up desire chips by the 1,000. And I could I I had drawers full of them. And they said they said, we're gonna go around the room and we wanna share a little bit about your experience with the steps. Share a little bit about how your life is better today as a result of God. I'm gonna tell you something, guys.

They all went around the room and there wasn't any long winded speeches. They all shared little vignettes of how their life had changed as a result of working the steps. And I'm gonna tell you something, folks. I don't remember everything they said, but I remember the tears in their eyes, and I remember the joy in their faces, and I remember the absolute concern for me that they showed me. They weren't mincing any words, and they didn't really care if I went I mean, there was none of this mincing around, you know, easy does it stuff.

They would say, Chris, buddy, you're dying. We can smell it on you. You need to make some changes. You need the spiritual experience. And the old timers got around me.

The next morning, we did a 3rd step prayer, and they gave me the stuff for the 4th step. And 2 weeks later, the the Friday after I'd come in 2 weeks after I'd come in, from that suicide attempt, I had a completed 4 step in my hand and I'm laughing with my sponsor because I was seeing stuff in that 4th column that took my breath away. Those people hadn't screwed me. I'd screwed myself. I wasn't a victim, I was a volunteer.

Yeah. And I had an appointment to do that 4 step 5th step with the sponsor, and I went home that night. Guys, I'll never forget that night as long as I live. I cranked up some rock and roll on that old beat up AM radio. I'm telling you, it was cool.

The windows are all busted out and it's colder than hell in that truck and I'm driving home and I'm hiring that kite. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. And I get out of my truck in the same apartment complex in the same parking lot that I took all those pills in and I pulled down the tailgate of my old truck and I sat on the tailgate and it wouldn't a breath of air outside. It's crystal cold. The big old full moon coming up and I'm surrounded as a liquor store and a 711 and a and a Circle k thing, a stop and go.

There's 3 convenience stores. My drug dealer lives in the apartment complex where I live. It's Friday. I got a pocket full of money, and I live by myself. I don't wanna drink.

And I sit on the end of that truck and cry like a baby, because I'm gonna tell you something folks, that was 15 years ago and I recovered from alcoholism at that point. I wouldn't even finished with the steps and God had removed the obsession for me to use. And I was an alcoholic that could not not drink. He took the obsession to use away. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what happened.

Chris, spiritual experiences what happened. God's God's greatest gift to me next to giving me my life. The obsession to do cocaine left at the same point, in case anybody's interested. And I was off on a journey, guys. And I tried to stay as active as I could.

And every time I tried to pull back from the fellowship to reenter the mainstream of life, my life would go to the toilet, and I would come back in, and I'd start doing the work again, and I would be back on track. Y'all follow what we're saying? I think some of y'all have experienced that. See? My job says we're supposed to stay as close to this business as we possibly can.

Let me say this and I'm a wrap it up for you. One of the reasons that I'm so passionate about Anonymous is that I know quite well that it's our only hope. I know treatment centers have made great strides in helping us with lots of things that we do, but, but but there's up to this point, no pill that will take the obsession to use away. I get calls every day from people that talk, what do you think about this anti craving drug? What do you think about this anti craving drug?

I think it's great. Craving is not Chris Ramer's problem. You see, that's a physical thing. Once I'm detoxed, there's no more craving. That's not a problem for me.

It's the obsession that's driving me bat nuts, you know. So what I gotta do is I gotta get something that's gonna remove that obsession. And God, we know, takes care of that. Everybody see Everybody wants to put the cart back before the horse. You know, it's like, I wanna get my life all ordered, everything great out here and then and then and then I'm gonna volunteer for inner group.

And then I'm gonna go do service work. Ain't that right, Tom? You know? And then I'm gonna go work with a newcomer. You know, that's not the way they did it.