La Hacienda Reuninon

Here you go. Adam, alcoholic. Adam. First of all, I'd like to thank Chris for asking me to come out here and and talk. It is, it's always an honor and a privilege to be asked to to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous in my recovery.

And, ultimately, it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me. And I wanna welcome anybody that's new here, or returning to to to recovery. I I was new in in AA for, what seems to be eternity now. And where I come from, they give you little chips for your various lengths of of sobriety, like 30, 60, 90 days. And, I had had so many chips in the end that it it was like I mean, I could've played poker with them, you know, and just all these chips.

And people were like, just sit down. Don't even bother. And and what happened in the end for me is that I I I started coming to meetings drunk. And, you know, that's a pretty ugly place to be. And the thing is about coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous drunk these days is people are like, what's he doing here?

You know, because of because a lot of the treatment centers, you know, they you fatten up for another run. And by the time you come to AA, you look great. And so, it was hopeless for me. And I and and for many, many years, I I was one of those people that just could not get sober. And and if and if you're in that situation or you're in your last 30 days, you know, I hope we can we can inspire you a little bit.

There's always somebody in their last 30 days here. But, you know, I'm an alumni from a couple of places. I I I went through treatment. And, as a matter of fact, I went through treatment 28 times. Now that I'm not gonna go through the whole list, but it would be safe to say that I'm an alumni from everywhere.

Now I told my sponsor that. I said, you know, I I went through treatment 28 times, and he said, it doesn't make you an alcoholic. And I thought, you gotta be kidding. And what he said is he said, no. It means you paid half a $1,000,000 for a big book.

For many, many years, I looked at all the despicable disgusting things that I had done when I was drinking, you know, the emergency rooms and the treatment centers and the jails, and and I thought that that's that's what made me an alcoholic. And I got around a group of people that started to help me understand some of the causes and conditions of this disease. And I and and eventually, I had to look at that. So there I was one more time in one more detox, £120, totally lost, broken, and absolutely hopeless. And I'm, you know, I'm sitting in the circle in detox with my fellow associates, you know, a vision for you.

And, this woman comes in. We have a thing called HNI, which is hospitals and institutions, and and she comes in on her AA panel and her business suit, you know, and and she's looking us all up and down and she said, if I could give you all the gift of recovery, I wouldn't do it. And I looked at her and I looked at my friend and I said, what a bitch. And then what she said was something that was eventually to change my life. She said the reason I wouldn't do it is because I wouldn't rob you of the journey.

And all of these years later, I understand that that journey to recovery, like that journey to surrender is something that's very, very personal. And nobody could give me that. I can't transmit something I haven't got. I obviously can transmit something that that you don't want. But if we're both sitting in this room and we do have a message that's grounded in the truth about this disease and there's people in these rooms that are are are are are seeking that solution, then we we we have a a common problem and a common solution.

And it took a long time for me to really have some clarity on on what that journey was to recovery because who am I after being a newcomer for 17 years, you know, to judge some guy that can't get this? Or to say, well, what what are you doing wrong? Or what happened this time? And it's like, I had to walk that path like all of us do. Some people have said that Alcoholics Anonymous is the most expensive club on the planet.

And if you really think about the cost of admission, you know, losing the house, the job, the car, your self respect, all of that stuff that we have to get to to come in here and be willing to do this. You know, it's a heavy price to pay. And the interesting thing about this is that what I discovered is there's a relationship between surrender and willingness. And for many, many years, I didn't understand the word surrender. I would hear it, but I never understood it because it's not an intellectual concept.

And I do a panel over at the VA, and these are soldiers. Talking to soldiers about surrender is not a popular topic. But it was one of the greatest illustrations of surrender that I'd ever heard. Because if you ever watch a soldier surrender, you'll see that soldier take the rifle, lay it down on the side of the road, sit down, and wait for someone to tell him what to do. He doesn't throw down the gun.

He doesn't sit on the side of the road and look back at the gun thinking about, you know, what he's gonna do with it because someone will shoot him. And, you know, there's a guy by the name of doctor Harry Tebow who was one the contributing members to some of the information that that we use in the big book and Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's a big difference between compliance and surrender. Compliance is I'm doing this to keep the family, to keep family services off my back. I'm doing it to satisfy my PO.

I might be doing it for a 100 reasons. There's a 100 reasons why I might be doing this. There's a big difference between compliance and surrender. And there's a lot of information that that that was brought to my attention about that soldier laying down that rifle because that actually is a completely unconditional act. Done.

And I had to be completely exhausted of self will and self reliance and really get to that place. And it's funny because there is a direct relationship between surrender and willingness. You ever notice how willing people are when they first come in here and they're calling every day to try to get a bed or, you know, they they first come back to AA after they've been severely beaten by alcohol or or some of the other stuff around here. They'll do anything. 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, they're willing to do anything.

And 30, 60 days later, they're like, you mean I gotta go to a meeting every day? You know, it's like a prize fighter that takes the the towel and throws it in and says I'm done, and then starts to take the towel back one little piece at a time. And and I did that over and over and over again. And I could not I I just couldn't get to the place where I could surrender. You know, the the the the concept of powerless really comes down to not the fact that I can't drink again.

Powerless really means to me that I will drink again and that I've lost the power of choice. And Bill Wilson obviously thought that was pretty important because the first third of the first 164 pages, he's still talking about step 1. That, you know, I can't bring to consciousness with sufficient force, you know, the memory of a few days or a few weeks or months ago, and that I have no mental defense. And I had to start to look at that that, you know, because you hear people in AA say, well, just don't drink no matter what. No.

No. That's great, but why don't I just join Nancy Reagan's merry band of winners and just say no? You gotta be kidding. I drink no matter what, and I gotta look at that. I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't live without it.

And at some point, I have to look at that too. A friend of mine used to say, if you're a real alcoholic, maybe alcohol isn't the problem. And he said, if it's just alcohol that's the problem, maybe not a real alcoholic. Because if it was just the booze, a lot of us would have recovered a long time ago. You know, there was something much deeper and I wanna talk a little about that because I thought for years that it was alcohol and I couldn't understand every time I stopped, you know, why people were saying you ought to drink, man.

And and I wanna talk about that a little bit. It's there's a big difference between admitting I'm an alcoholic and really, really accepting it. And, you know, it was real easy to admit it. I could admit it in in in the school yard, you know, in 7th or 8th grade. It was easy to admit it.

I could admit it every time I checked in the, you know, treatment center, every time I was in county jail, every time I was in an emergency room, easy to admit it. But to truly accept it, to accept that I'm bodily and mentally different than my fellows, big difference. I can't sit there looking at a guy drinking a half of beer and start to debate why I can't do that. You know, I start having that debate, I lose. And, you know, for me every time I pick up a drink, you know, there's a rock at the bottom of it, you know.

I knew that gets somebody. I every time I pick up a drink, it's an emergency room or handcuffs. Every time I pick up a drink, I might as well check-in in one of these facilities because for this type of alcoholic, I have to be physically removed from alcohol. Once I start, I cannot stop. And I'll drink until I'm dead.

And it's like, that's baffling to me. And funny enough, with all this information, it's doesn't mean anything. The information is excellent to transmit a message that's grounded in the truth, but in and of itself, it was insufficient to keep me sober. And and I really truly had to look at that that, you know I mean, I look at step 1, it's like getting in a cage with a with a gorilla. You know, you have sex with a gorilla, it's not over till the gorilla's done.

Right? You know, and then you get the gorilla back in the cage. Right? And he starts looking at you with those loving eyes again. I'm lonely, you know?

Remember how it was in high school? Please let me out just for a second. Come on. Because I won't do it this time. I promise.

Just just let me out for a second. You know, the same thing occurs over and over and over again. And I'm brutalized bit by this thing. It's not enough to keep me sober. It's like life had its moments and because of the I spend the rest of my life trying to recapture those moments.

It's like I'm sitting in the high school gym, 20 years later, the band's gone, the lights are out, I'm all alone, and I'm thinking, where's the party? You know, there's nothing worse than sitting in a bar out there with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze. You know, it's an ugly place to be. And what I found is in that situation, I'm separate, different, and alone out there trying to drink like normal people. Just like if I'm in sitting in these rooms in AA and I'm not doing the work.

I can be just as separate, different, and alone by nature in these rooms not doing the work as I am sitting out there with a head full of AA and a belly full of booze. And I had to there were a lot of very interesting parallels that go on here. And it took a long time for me to have some clarity to really see that and to really understand that, you know, I will drink again unless I find a spiritual solution. And, you know, fear won't keep me sober. I I really, at some point, have to look at that.

I don't know if you guys remember a thing called scared straight, but did that work for you? You know, getting a 3rd strike, living on the street, being homeless, losing my family, losing my teeth, living in poverty, none of that is sufficient to keep me sober. Now a problem drinker, given sufficient reason, can stop or moderate. Big difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic. Now, you get the problem drinker and the real alcoholic in a drunk tank for drunk driving.

Problem drinker's on one side of the cell, and he's thinking, you know, I knew I shouldn't have drank that 5th beer. Why'd I drink that 5th beer? Real alcoholics on the other side of the cell thinking, why'd they take the 10? Right? Problem drinker's wife says, you know, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you.

Problem drinker tries to clean up his act. Right? Get a little Visine, straighten out a little bit. If my woman says to me, if you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking about single life.

I tell you, you're a real alcoholic. The first thing we realize you know, I I know about one day at at a time. Let me get drunk today and I'll go to jail tomorrow. You know? But at the same time, I realized that I had compromised everything in my life to keep drinking.

If anything got in the way of my drinking, it was out of my life. The woman got in the way, the career eventually, there was nothing left but alcohol. It took it all. And understanding that today and looking at how we live and this design for living in Alcoholics Anonymous, I have to look at the fact that if anything gets in the way of my recovery today, it's out of my life. I hate to say it.

It's kinda harsh. But, you know, I remember saying that. If a woman gets in the way of my recovery, she's out of my life and there she was. You know, the next day it's like, you know, she appeared. And I had to make a decision.

If a job gets in the way of my recovery for this type of alcoholic I see a lot of guys around here with huge jobs and little tiny programs. They never stay the test. They don't stand the test of time. They don't endure, you know, the changes that a lot of us have to go through. I just haven't seen it in my experience.

I've been around these rooms a long time. And in reality, you know, when people ask me, well, what do you do for a living? And in my mind, I don't tell them this, but in my mind, I stay sober. Oh, what do I do for money? That's over there.

If I get those mixed up, I'm drunk. And then nothing matters. There's nothing left. Again, I'm left with, you know, that bottle. And I had to really look at that and be very very clear on that.

There's a big difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic, and I had to start to look. The book is very clear on that. And, you know, knowledge won't keep me sober. It took a long time for me to get some clarity on that because, you know, I told my sponsor, I said, I had a degree when I came in here. And you know what he told me?

He said, thermometers have degrees. He He said, you know where they put those? He wasn't impressed. You know? So, you know, there I am one more time, you know, I'm on Skid Row like, behind a dumpster drunk, and I'm reciting chapter 5, You know, ruining my associates high, you know.

And, I'm crying my eyes out. I'm crying my eyes out because I can't get back here. And I've got all this information. I've got all this information and I can't get sober. And at the end of every meeting, where I come from, they say keep coming back.

It works if you work it. I've never been to a meeting where they say keep coming back. It works if you know it. So if you're new and honestly, you really think that you're gonna get a couple of classes, little information, maybe an annual follow-up, and you're never gonna drink again, maybe you will. Our experience is that this is a program of action.

It's a set of spiritual principles. They have to be applied in my life every day. And until I understood that and I came to terms with some of those facts about this disease, about the common problem and the common solution, there was very little hope that I was gonna recover. And and I really, really had to understand that that, you know, this information is excellent, but I if we don't have a common problem, we don't have a common solution. You know, I go into meetings of AA and you've got alcoholics, you've got addicts, you've got alcoholic addicts, then you've got addict alcoholics that are somehow different.

Right? Got a few dope fiends in the back. They're worse than all of us. Right? And, you know, there's ultimately 412 step programs and they're all identical except for the first half of step 1.

I can play musical poisons all day long in the first half of step 1. If I never really dealt with the spiritual malady, which is the second half of step 1 that I wanna talk about, there was very little hope that I was gonna get back here and understand what the problem really was. I love it when you say think it through. That's my favorite. Think thinking.

Now that's that's great. The idea is good. But think it through, you know, just play the tape through. I think it through to Skid Row and you know what my head tells me? It wasn't that bad out there.

I get a cardboard box and a toothless honey, I can make it out there. Think it through, it doesn't work for me. I'm sorry. It just does you know, but a problem drinker can stop or moderate. Fear, knowledge it through will work for them.

For me, it was insufficient to keep me sober. And I really, really had to look at what it was that was really driving me back to drinking again. I always thought it was the alcohol. I heard this great joke. I'm I'm sure there's some hunters in here.

This guy gets this rifle and, it's been told before, but he gets this rifle for his birthday and he always wanted to hunt a a polar bear. So he goes up to Alaska and he shoots this polar bear and he's going over to look at his kill and there's a tap on his shoulder. And he looks behind him and there's this bigger polar bear and the polar bear says, you just shot my son. And he's, like, terrified. So the polar bear says, you got 2 choices.

You either let me have my way with you or, I'm gonna maul you to death. So So a couple weeks later, he's healing up in the hospital. And now he's got a resentment. Right? So he goes up there looking for this polar bear.

And, you know, he he sees this bear, looks just like him, he shoots him, goes over to look at his kill. Same thing, tap on his shoulder, Bigger polar bear. Same thing. Have my way with you or I'm gonna maul you to death. Healing up in the hospital.

This goes on and on and on. And, he's got a resentment. Finally, he goes back up there, and this is the biggest polar bear he's ever seen. He shoots him, and sure enough, he thinks it's over. There's a tap on his shoulder and this huge polar bear says, you know, we've been watching you.

Says, you're not really up here for the honey, are you? I always thought that it was the alcohol. I thought that it was because it made me feel good. But in reality, I was drinking to solve a spiritual malady. I was drinking because it created a change in me.

What a sad thing that all my life I had been doing this because I thought I was having fun. And in reality, I was looking for a spiritual experience, and I didn't even know it. And there's so many people out there that don't know it. And you see them killing their selves. And they think they're having fun.

And until I got something better through this process, I didn't know any better. I just did what I knew. And, you know, it's a sad thing because you see a lot of people come into Alcoholics Anonymous. The doctor's opinion talks about some people that are normal in every respect except the effect produced by alcohol. Meaning that the phenomenon of craving is really the common denominator that ties us together.

Whether we're periodics and we go out at, you know, in one night and destroy a family or a marriage or we do it every day, I can't stop once I start. I can't control the amount I take. But, you know, some people come in here and they drank just the way I did. They did all the disgusting, despicable things that I did when I was drinking, like peed in their brand new girlfriend's underwear drawer or threw up all over their best friend's car or, you know, we have we got some great stories around here to write a book on it. And the thing is, they did all the things I did, and I've seen these guys come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and as soon as they put the drink down, everything works for them.

They fit in, they're part of, their career welcomes them back, You know, and they'll come to meetings once a year and never take a, you know, they'll never take a step. Their life will get continually better. And they'll look at us, they'll look at me, and they'll say, you drank again? My experience, every single time I put the drink down, the first thing they'd say to me is, boy, you need to be on medication. Why are you so angry?

Why are you so emotional? Why can't you sit still? You know, and I'm crying at dog food commercials. And at some point, I had to start to look at that second half of step 1 and understand that when I wasn't drinking, I had a whole another set of problems. And our book is very clear.

I hate to cite pages, but page 52 talks about untreated alcoholism. It's really describing the spiritual malady. And when I'm not drinking, I'm a prey to misery and depression. When I'm not drinking, I can't control my emotional nature. When I'm not drinking, I can't manage my personal relationships.

When I'm not drinking, I'm full of fear. When I'm not drinking, I'm of no use to other people. When I'm not drinking, I'm basically unhappy. Now the way that plays out for this type of alcoholic, again, when I'm hanging in there and I'm not drinking, is I don't fit in, I'm not part of, you don't understand me, life doesn't treat me right, I'm underappreciated, they're not paying me enough, everybody's in my way, She's cheating on me. For God's sake, I got a drink.

And as soon as I pick up a cocktail, I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle. Right? You give me a couple more drinks, my whole attitude and outlook upon life changes. 3, 4 more drinks, fewer people and economic insecurity lead me. I'm buying a whole bar of drinks.

Better looking too. Right? You give me a couple of viking and I could comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. Give me a little cocaine, I wanna start a business with you. Right?

Get me down on my last $20 no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I'll show you how my experience will benefit others. We got a plan. You know, the the sad thing about that is if you really look at the promises, the 12 promises that they're outlined in the book, at the end of the promises, what it says is we finally saw that God could do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. My sponsor said, well, let's look at alcohol when alcohol really worked. Not in the end, but when it really worked.

And when booze really worked for me, it solved that problem. And I just proved it by showing you that when alcohol worked, it did each and every one of those things for me. And at some point, I had to look at that fact that, you know what, the conclusion there is there's a relationship between God and alcohol, and I never saw it before. Alcohol gave me the illusion that my life is manageable. And the relationship between God and alcohol, as a lot of us know, if you get to the ghettos in this country, you get to places where there's absolutely nothing left.

There's 2 things that always stick out, churches and liquor stores. Why do you think that is? Because they both give man hope. They both give man hope. You take the booze away from me, the one thing that gave me the courage to ask that pretty girl out, the one thing that gave me the guts to go after that big job, the one thing that made me connected with myself, with you, and with this power in the universe that made me 1.

You take the one thing away from me that gave me the wings to fly, and you don't give me something better, you think I'm gonna stay in these rooms? Just don't drink no matter what? Not a chance. When I'm not drinking, I'm chasing you 4 exits past my exit on the freeway. Right?

Got a few of those in here. When I'm not drinking, I'm counting your items in the checkout line. You know? When I'm not drinking, I am so separate, different, and alone by nature. My own mom is like, for God's sake, drink, son.

You were nicer. I'm hard to live with. Insanity. I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results. You hear that a lot in AA.

But a little deeper than that, real insanity for us is doing the same thing, knowing exactly what's gonna happen, and doing it anyway. And surrender, like I was talking about with that soldier that lays down that rifle, the first surrender may be to alcohol around here, but somewhere further down the line, there's another surrender to the will of god. And, you know, God's a topic that I've tried to avoid for a long time. Because I had a lot of old ideas. A lot of old ideas about God.

And I don't wanna offend anybody today, but I didn't wanna pray. I didn't want God to find out where I was. I had a lot of old ideas about a punishing god, about a condemning god. You know, a lot of old ideas. Like, if you get in a closet and pray for a hot dog, you know you'll starve to death.

Or you'll hear, god can move mountains, but please bring a shovel. Or, you know, there was another one, I believed in a Santa Claus god for a long time. And if I was good, I should get a reward. And what I had done is I had given finite human conditions to an infinite power. I tell my Spotts East, don't pray for women.

God's not a pimp. Right? Carl Young wrote a letter to Bill w about the relationship between spirits and spirituality, and he goes back to the relationship between God and alcohol. Alcohol was an artificial means to a spiritual experience for people like us. These 12 steps are a practical means by design to a spiritual experience.

I can't take the booze away without having a spiritual vacuum. I have to put something in its place. You'll hear people in AA say, oh, it's it's not for people that need it. It's for people that want it. I beg to differ.

It's for people that do it. I wanted it for 17 years, just like I wanted to change. I wish I could've changed. Why can't you change? They used to say that all the time.

Now, you know, then then there's a contradiction. If you don't change, your sobriety date will. But how do I get to that change and how do I understand what these old ideas about God mean? There was a guy named Chuck See that used to talk about, really, there's only one problem and one solution. He said the problem is a conscious separation from God.

The solution, a conscious contact with God. Steps are over there. And I had to start to understand that there was a bridge from that conscious separation back to a conscious contact with God, and that bridge was the 12 steps. And until I really understood what the problem was and had some concept because it wasn't just alcohol. It was that conscious separation from God.

All of those old ideas, you know, and Bill w talks a lot about that. You know, he talks about the actor trying to be the director. And he's forever trying to arrange the lights and the ballet and the scenery and all the players. If everybody would just stay put, my life would be fine. One of the things that I saw in there that all of my life, I had also given God a role in my play.

And when God didn't meet my finite human expectations, I created that separation. And some of these steps will actually show me how to face and be rid of the things in myself that are blocking me from that. And it's a relationship of cause and effect. If I take these actions, I will get a result. Now a good friend of ours used to talk about the Eskimo.

If you ever heard this this story, the Eskimo or or that concept, this person was my Eskimo. That comes in the story of a priest and an atheist and they're in a in a bar in Alaska. And the priest says to the atheist, why don't you believe in God? And the atheist says, oh, I tried God once. Then the priest said, well, what do you mean?

And the atheist says, well, I was out in a blizzard. I was out in the snow, I couldn't see my hands in front of me and I was I was stumbling around and I knew I was gonna die, so I got on my knees and I said, well, God, if there's a God, please help me, I'm gonna die. And the priest looks him right in the eye and he says, well, you must believe in God. You're sitting here. And you know what the atheist said?

He goes, no, you don't understand. Right after I got off my knees, I bumped into this Eskimo and he showed me the way back into town. So if you're new if you're new here and you you may not want what we have, but if you don't want what you have, Try to find some people around here that are doing this, that are not only you know, they're here and they're abstinent, but they're living the dream and they're having fun and they've got relationships that work. And ask them what they're doing. There's people around here that'll that'll go to the end of the earth if you wanna stay sober.

If you wanna drink, you're probably gonna do it alone. But we will help you and and that's why we're here. My sponsor told me that. He he really he was mean. He said, if you're not willing to help others, you're gonna die.

I mean, that was it. It wasn't like, you know, any deeper than that. But I but I had to understand that and, you know, I had to start again to look at some of those old ideas. The the illustration about the Eskimo really comes down to the fact that initially for us and this relationship with God is an evolutionary process. But at first, it was a group of drunks, g o d, the Eskimos that show me the back into town.

Eventually, that became good orderly direction. It became a set of actions. In some of the original literature, it used to say rarely we've seen a person fail that's thoroughly followed our directions. You know, they were they were they were very strict about the way that some of the writing was done. You know, like in step 3, it's like if you're not convinced, throw the book away.

It's gonna be a waste of time until, you know, being convinced of 3 certain things that, you know, I really wanna talk about. Because it points back again at the end of chapter 5, the reading, we always say our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas. The first of which is that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my life. And I'm thinking, before and after what? Before and after I put down a drink.

See, the problem drinker comes in here and looks at the unmanageability as being based on his drinking. When I was drinking, I couldn't make it to work. When I was drinking, I couldn't show up for Little League. When I was drinking, I couldn't pay my bills, make my commitments. And what we're saying again is that before and after I put down a drink, I've got a whole another set of problems.

And those are the ones that that are described on page 52. And drunk or sober, I couldn't remedy that. Just like no human power in reality can keep me sober. I spent 17 years in these rooms drunk. And peep and until I really did the work and made that bridge from steps 4 to 9, there was very, very little hope that I was gonna recover from this.

And, you know, there's a big difference between faith and trust. If there was a high wire across this room, say for example, and a tight rope walker started walking across the the tight rope, like pushing a wheelbarrow, we'd all look at him and we'd think, well, he's up there. He'll probably make it. That's faith. You know what trust is?

You go get in the wheelbarrow. Big difference. Oh, yeah. Big difference. See, in the 3rd tradition, you hear the only requirement in AA is a requirement to stop drinking.

That's the only requirement for membership, a desire to stop drinking. That may be the only requirement to sit in this room. I don't let any in here. Right? There's another huge requirement in order to stay here.

On page 25, it talks about none of us like the leveling of our pride, the soul searching, and the confession of shortcomings that the process requires for its successful consummation. There's 3 elements in there. One is process, one requirement, and one is consummation. The process is steps 4 through 9. It's getting in that wheelbarrow.

It's a requirement for a real alcoholic to stay here. And consummation means completion. It's implying that 29 has to be complete. Really, what I think they should say, and I don't wanna change the rules around here, rarely we've seen a person fail that's done steps 4 through 9. Rarely we ever seen anybody do 4 through 9.

Right? 1, 2, 3, drink. 1, 2, 3, drink. 1 it's called the AA Waltz, if you don't know. Until I started to understand that I had to have a a spiritual awakening, a psychic change, a revolution in my attitude.

There there there was very little hope. And there's there's there's different ways that I became motivated to really do that and and to understand a little bit about what God's will was. I I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Turn my will and life over to, you know, something I've been trying to avoid. You know?

One of the greatest analogy I I had heard was the ship's in the ocean. It's going across the sea, and it sees this light on the horizon. So the skipper gets on the on on the radio and he says, turn your course 10 degrees to the north. Couple minutes later, there's a reply, no, you turn your course 10 degrees to the south. And the next thing you know, they're in this argument and, you know, turn your course 10 degrees to the north.

The reply, turn your course 10 degrees to the south. It's coming closer. So the captain gets on the ship and he says, I am the captain of this ship. We demand you turn your course 10 degrees to the north. Reply comes back, I'm I'm a seaman.

No. You turn your course. And, you know, the final radio address is, we are a battleship. We demand you redirect your course 10 degrees to the north. And you know what the final reply is?

I'm a lighthouse. Now I can't understand what my will is until I have certain facts about my longitude and latitude, my nautical speed. There's certain facts I have to have to change my course. And those facts are in steps 4 through 9. And until I was able to plot that course and really understand what I was dealing with, there's no hope of my recovery.

Because I'm so separate, different alone by nature when I'm not drinking based on my old ideas. I have no other course but to drink. And it took me a long time to understand what they were talking about. That that third step decision you know, if there's 3 birds on a wire and one decides to fly away, there's not 2. There's still 3 because a decision means absolutely nothing unless at once followed by action.

And the book's very clear about that. The 3rd step has little lasting effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things that are blocking me. It doesn't say face and cope with, face and deal with, face and go to therapy over, face and whine about from up here over. It's just face and be rid of. The word rid of is used several times coming up to, you know, the 4th and 5th step.

It's amazing if you you look where they talk about that. I have to be rid of the things in myself that are blocking me. And, you know, I I've heard some very interesting ways to motivate people. If you tell a little kid, I want you to go in your room and straighten out your room, he doesn't wanna do that. You tell that same little kid, I want you to go in your room and throw out all your old stuff and we'll buy you new stuff.

2 minutes. And when I started to understand inventory from that perspective, my motivation to do 4 through 9 changed. Completely changed. It wasn't so much about my deep dark secrets, but it was about my resentments, my conduct, and my fear. And I had to look at it and the book is very explicit on a set of directions that will create a result.

Cause and effect. You take these actions, one will get an an effect from that. I had to look at that. I had all of these old ideas. One of the greatest analogies I heard was a guy that used to talk about baby elephants.

And in Africa, what they do with these baby elephants is they take these big chains and they chain these elephants to these trees. So every time the elephant tries to run away, it feels the pain. It actually comes to believe that it can't get away. It believes it because the chain is holding it to this tree. When the elephant grows up, they grow up to be monsters.

I mean, you couldn't get one in this room. All you have to do is take a little wooden stake and a little tiny rope and tie it around that elephant's leg. And you know what? It will die where it stands. There could be a fire in that jungle.

It will die right there. And that elephant could pull down a house. But a belief system that's been established so strongly like us. When we talk about the the 3rd step prayer, we talk relieve me of the bondage of self. Alcoholism is the only prison where the key's inside.

And all of my life, I look outside to solve a problem that was really within us. The fundamental idea of God being in every single soul. It's within all of us. And in order for me to find it, I have to face and be rid of the things in me that are blocking me from it. And the book talks about 7 aspects itself.

Esteem, don't you know who I think I am? Pride, don't you know who I pretend to be? Security, don't you know what I need? Ambition, what I want? If anything harms, threatens, or interferes with those seven aspects itself, I immediately go to resentment.

In last resentment means to refill. You know what I do with it? I take poison and I hope you die. Lies the puck and the stick. You know?

And it it just keeps beating me back and forth. And it's like, until I was clear on that that, you know, I most people are intellect over emotion. People like myself are emotion over intellect. And I had all of these old ideas. You know, it goes back to that play.

Bill talks about the actor trying to be the director. You know, I can look at those 7 aspects of self in the 3rd column the same way. Esteem is the role I assign myself, pride is the role I assign others, security is what I want I need out of the scene to be okay, ambition is what I want out of the scene, And it's like I have all of these old ideas and every time harm, threatened, or interfered with, I immediately go back to resentment. My life's like Groundhog Day, you know, because I refill it, rethink it, relive it, and reenact it in every area of my life. It's like I got a button on my forehead.

It says push me. And then I do an emotional dance. You step on my toe, I wanna break my leg to show you. You know? You tell me to go left, I'll go right even if there's a cliff there, and then I'll blame you all the way down.

Defiance is is is my primary characteristics, and I think most of us come from that place. And I I had to start to really look at that, that I had some defective thinking. I had a lot of old ideas, you know. And and I'm I'm asked to look that. I'm asked to look.