YANA on Hilton Head Island, SC

I'm done with that no not at all

and Brody date is March ninth nineteen ninety two and I'm a member of primary purpose group as farmer bonus group of men and women I've ever spent time with and I hope I get time by the end of this thing to tell you a little bit about I try to do so anytime looking at

I'm told that I'm supposed to be in a general way when I was like what happened when I'm like now so you know I'm only my office did not make a fist about this thing and get into much detail and I'm also told that I am to tell you this tell you how I came to form a relationship with our powerlessness over

and I'll do my best long time but I don't get that very well because I had a really hard time with that you know I came on this program last night and did not find out very easily in little bits and pieces of someone long is not one for me

so I'll just get started and see where we go from here I was born in Pascagoula Mississippi and

stay there for a very brief time lived on the South Carolina all the time I was three years old

you know practically my whole life I've been in Spartanburg except for in our school my counseling and grown up you know I I when I started in this morning I would have told you I had this horrible childhood and all these things that went on but you know I've listened enough this often enough time with people that real bad time to know that I was really pretty lucky but there was a lot of yelling and screaming and a lot of being told that I was stupid or lazy and things like that really kind of thinking and you know in the end result of it was you know I was a kid it just didn't feel like he fit are measured up anywhere

and I had that feeling lonely sock remember my earliest memories of being or being embarrassed for me in a comfortable you know not like the heavy open the Christmas presents but the billion uncomfortable wherever I was and I you know you hurt my pride and I'll remember it forever

just how was

up there before and you know I feel I always felt like I walked into a room will look around when I was in the flooding you know just

and that's where I came in here you know

but you know it's just not built and

so you know by the time I spent on alcohol you know I was ready I was ready one of the things that don't matter though I found a solution prior to alcohol and in it was something that I've come to know the solution is today you know it's funny trying you know I found it on my own because I got really involved in the church and I was real involved in Boy Scouts is located and you know what I found was the service for the projects that we did for underprivileged kids and things like that or something that made me feel right about me made me feel closer together and closer you

and strangely enough us a solution I got today to and I found that what happened with that was by the time I was about twelve years older so only small projects I have done for the hospital children's unit got some attention you know local news and it was announced at the school I was and I was humiliated yeah that was not cool it was not cool to be a voice down the hill from people of all things and and I was really embarrassed and I quit all that at that point you know I just drop that drop your truck dropped all that and shortly there after final call got it got to be honest with you first thing I found with marijuana it was illegal so it's a lot easier for located yet that was alcohol in a in a lot of that and my story

roads are there all the time you know the whole time and I don't hear that a lot about that this is all about

also you know I don't hear about that from my own addict I was confused about that when I came in today I had a lot of people convince me otherwise and I realized you know I dropped all that simple decision to stop and change people are hanging out with

never worked with alcohol you know that had nothing to do with my drinking and so you know shortly after doing that we got through an alcohol the ones on the phone by accident you know we

I heard that that worked and I we got together with a friend sister we're going a little a little school lands

and you know feeling like I failed I want going to dance to easily anyway you know and I and we we found a sister that would would buy something for us and I had my first drink and what she got was what she thought little kids could drink pretty well you know something that would go down these list my first drop below Malta

which which was all the stuff that came either in four eight packs of Plymouth for Paxton it was rated in place or what

what happened to me that night was a one of the things around the doctor's opinion that happens to people like me we call our holiday is you know after I go ahead mediate Lee upon getting enough in me to feel that I got a craving for more the sign

and I drank all ahead of the kids with me

by Dr what they could you know the direct what they couldn't nine fell down and got no control we'll have more money was when I drank all ahead I got

you know I was immediately okay how I walked in this little place where I would not have been comfortable felt like I belonged

and man that was a solution rather than you know I would benefit personally that at every possible opportunity you know because it worked and it worked quickly you know and so on this and all throughout school I was a pretty regular drop early only a little harder to get but

as I got into high school I was pretty regular golf you know not daily but

but not in less than four five times a week and and arrange things in such a way where I could do so part time jobs work with alcoholics I can drink there and things like that and in the meantime things are getting pretty bad at home it had been

the bad but it started getting bad when I started drinking because I started reacting when things got nasty little lot of fighting a lot of anger and what kind of work was you know what that it hit me I'll hit my brother and we all get on my mom and I just like that all the time and you know I'll starts been a lot of time away from home drinking

by the time I got in college you know I was free

my drinking changed for me was

I didn't have to hide anything they want anybody there to tell me what to do when to do it really and I've been getting away with drinking because I was an honor student you know I was one key is supposed to do very well and any little trouble I've gotten in high school was excused away because I was one of the

one of the kids I live in one of the ones that were supposed to do really well and I carried that on into college on scholarship students a large student at university of Georgia you know and I got a lot of I got a lot of excuses for my drinking behavior there because our students are supposed to be kind of goofy you know and

and our house was goofy you know and

and you know I was wonder good students I wanted to do well so if there was a problem late excuse it for me you know at least for a while please for a while

so I really started bottoming out my drinking by the time I was nineteen and twenty the physical stuff started showing up by the time I was my thing I was drinking every day and I was drinking most of the imbalance I'm I was about nineteen or so I started waking up with what we get you know the shakes and the sweats and then the just not knowing what's happening back crawl out of my skin and realized took a drink in the morning everything we all right you know that that it made the day okay and I got over it and so you know by that time I was doing that drinking around the clock not twenty four seven but drink when I get up and do what I had to do drink at lunch to what I had to do and you know drink all night although slowly

that was pretty much pretty much the routine didn't take but about a year that drinking careers not real long twelve years old at the beginning to realize I need without someone pointing a nice look with them but I knew I had a problem with alcohol the owner of my

but by the time I was twenty one I will go to class and

dearest friend I had in the world she she came to me and says I don't I don't I don't know what to do you know when I don't have a hill

but maybe these people can help and give me a cordless at Alcoholics Anonymous you'd written it down a phone number and I drank on that for a while I don't know that might have been a day or two but you know thinking about it because I knew you know this one had intended to go through college and

in a call that one night not total again over older gentleman answered the phone

god bless this guy I know he is doing the best he can have the I'm not and I told him for a little while and see you know what I'll do it as me and I

is that what we drink coffee we tell

okay we talked a little while he said you know we really don't have anybody shows you in our group

and I thought that's just what I needed to hear I was too young to be an alcoholic I had suspected that because I'm an alcoholic really pretty old and he confirm that for me that's all I needed to hear

and also will thank you and good night that was last Monday on the Alcoholics Anonymous for at least another six years I managed to get on through college

do what I need to do in

run it only by by some doctors that are used like ghostly and things like that on occasion

got another scholarship and went on to graduate school and drinking with me in the game changed up there you know down in Athens is arguably a UV art can be constrained in drinking classes stuff like that

I get at least in North Carolina and that's a pretty conservative bunch and and like look cross eyed at me when I started moving a refrigerator in my studio and I'm supposed to be one graduate assistants and and I thought as I do that and I had no idea what okay you know I didn't only real happy with my

and what happened up there was the thing that used to be my solution and enable me to do things I couldn't do you know because of like this I had a history of being terrified of talking in front of the people still live you know to some extent

and so I would drink you know go to class and lick your drink or anything any time I had to do that kind of thing

well there that didn't work and it became the thing that kept me from having to do all the things I needed to do

it didn't take very long before you know even though I was doing very well in school I needed some kind of solution unveiled out of that I found a solution and come home and get married

that make everything better and on this one I did I came home and and merry girl I've been dating

drinking just as I had them

I work in you know not really doing a lot of pain selling smart work American thing and I

some changed about my drink internet to as I became became everything I hated you know not only was I having to drink when I got out of just be okay enough to get on with the day

I became a violent angry person when drank in just about every time our strength you know my my first reaction to that was stopped drinking brown liquor because I knew I was going to kill somebody if I drank brown liquor anymore at least you know at least white liquor and beer didn't have me jumping up and down on somebody's car in traffic light brown recorded

and so I did that but as we went along what happened

was

you know I've been blaming everybody for my problems I could I could pretty much get about whatever happened drawn by blaming it only in WROC aw I was drunk everything's all right forgive me or whatever

home

at some point during the sling wanted while drinking water you know and there might be people in this room like us all right you know and that's okay you looked at but that was one of the things that you know this girl's Bafut Annika pounds and I couldn't really get it the next morning the lack that was okay I couldn't find some sort of way to blame that on her

you know I can find some sort of way to just say well I was just drinking that was no longer okay it's no longer an excuse I've done some I can live with a look in the mirror without wanting to throw up

and you know I mean I knew I knew I had a drinking problem but I thought you know generally I was all rights will change later on that one okay

and

you're not alone three point here's Lana went Alcoholics Anonymous and everything was wonderful but that's not how it happened for me I started a few years ago a couple years of trying to not drink without the aid of Alcoholics Anonymous because you know I don't go to any lengths to avoid I did not want to get a told me I was lazy yeah and I knew a lot of mentors and I knew it was related and I didn't want anything to do with that so I went to the doctor and sold more than going home and you know what probably a little bit honest with them about what happened happened and I need to stop drinking

and he looked at me and he said well you probably did when I let me let me give your prescription to help you I stopped drinking he wrote me a prescription for Lennix

yeah

now one honest enough to tell him I've been taking that anyway

and I was also warned against it you know when you look at the side of the ball is going to read labels warning out home intensify the fact that took that is instructions

not as a warning and and it didn't last very long I mean that intake you know we didn't take a day or two with that to make me wandering badly as it always did

and things got man things got worse now it's just as ugly and nasty and I came back to the doctor again analyzed amounts that are

don't you have something that will make me sick about Iraq you know I really I really need to stop drinking and so we had it on his calendar views and I want you to read all this week through all this paperwork at me and I read it in the bottom line was a civil hearing it like you you could drink on

and also give you the drug that's good that's what I wanna know won't don't want drinking about drinking that good okay

and I started taking my interviews

and what happened I don't know how long I don't know how long it was because I was taking my interviews and drinking coffee and doing some one on the east coast and

and at some point you know what happened to me is what the real problem with alcoholism is for me you know the squiggly writing in the book

as I was playing around all my interviews actually not drink and start thinking more I wonder how much you'd have to drink for it kills you

in half again probably my only period of like social drinking that I've ever had you know was slipping on a beer to the point I started Feelin and abuse Allen's of and not girls want to set up an ad until I feel it's not turned beet red all the scars on my body would light up and if you like my family right here and I start swinging

and then ID's back off and then when Maddie's up drink a little bit more and I missed that one home for weeks and weeks that was my social drink

and will have my go out with friends and most of my friends Warnock a holic you know most of my friends were normal decent people it would drink on weekends you know one stop when they wanted to buy my over during a time or two you know what and they go out with me and I'll be doing my interview stricken alleges laugh and they come up they are you enjoying that David not just because

you know and just having an awful time and I did that for a while because that's it you know the problem I have got brown alcoholism isn't that when I take a drink I get a craving for another drinking can't stop it is not that when I take a drink you get a craving for another drinking and stop I give our

go to jail

or throw a perennial are kind of things it's the details over a start thinking like that

you know not wanna drink and taken something that hopefully would kill me if I take a drink I start thinking well how much can I drink only

and proceed to trial that's the problem against the squiggly right and then the third chapter you know we're suddenly he's all you know another

that's the problem okay you know I'm gonna move from around alcohol honestly the truth around I'll call you know I had lost the power choice and drink you know one about PF Jones today I'd lost the power choice and drinking just like the book tells me

and and I would start thinking crazy stuff and it would seem okay yes Leena I'd be doing that and but at some point I realize you know this is the same abuse and reckons going kill me and I quit taking abuse

and it was a very long before the wife would take any of that and she left and then I realized well you know she's kind of a problem anyway so I can drink and one loan for the please pick me up again and thought well you can't drink

and went back and went back to the doctor went to the candles for and started seeing a counselor to talk about my drink and knowing you know who figured out what was wrong when I stopped drinking if I understood me better was a blue collar self knowledge might make it a little bit better

and started talking to cancer but like I told you I'm nervous around folks I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know specialist I won't talk about me so I would drink a six pack

so to go talk to a counselor about stopping drinking

and I did this twice a week I think week after week you don't drink a six pack go talk about not drinking do it again

more the squiggly writing messages you know at St okay you know Leslie mark that was normal the same one that was a a way to go about this and I think what it was the same problem had later today because I thought he was going to say something magic

that was the only the answer

and I just lose a desired during bam you know well that didn't happen and at some point I guess I drank enough to forget to go one and went on like that

you know ourselves don't try to get a hacking the belief in god in this thing and I I you know what I've come to understand is I I have come to a belief in a higher power working in my life looking back you know by evidence of him being there when I wouldn't paying attention and that's kind of what started happening for me you know as I I found that all the people I needed worked right place at the right time

you know things I could've missed by ten seconds happened right when I needed to when I was ready and that's what happens shortly after this counseling experience I try to I try to minister and that didn't work out much better drinking talking here and but I was

I was going down to get the paper and driveway and a guy came back

I've worked with this guy while I was doing the interviews experience and he laughed at that he just love that in a but it also shared and shared with me at that time that he was a seven member of Alcoholics Anonymous he didn't tell me I needed to get he just said you know I found this works for me you know while I'm doing interviews and drinking on it and

the only did he just told me what he had done he told me a little bit about what he had been like he shared a lot of stores hills and then when I left that lost that job left not right I loved that job and moved along I lost touch he moved out of town and and I moved somewhere else in town had no idea where this guy was one of them had a calling when I was down get the newspaper one morning after another bad time yeah I've gotten involved with another woman to fix it and that balance I brought into that she was just that amount chooses that amount without drinking and it was ugly you know it got ugly from day one I hope you understand his bartender you know

what better person you know she didn't understand and what was going on there was you know while we were doing what we were doing organ five knocking each other down her little twelve year old girls land back in the back listen I'm not aware

and just like that hidden that life is hard to wake up next morning thank us okay to have her go through that and I you know one only way that could make it okay stuck a drunken it happen all over again

well that time all that was happening at all I could stand to me you know I'm just analog stand me go down get the newspaper and this data shows up you know he just happens to drop back in the misty mountains that gets you to never known I was there and he stopped all

and

how intimate time everything's going awful

he hadn't eliminated during and I couldn't stop them all this kind of thing

we just kind of it just kind of put him where he needed to be in a couple days later things got bad and worse MacCallum tell us that you know what I'll do at those meetings saying be my going to a a question was what L. do it of me

and and he he gave me an answer that one when you big book the one profile

all he did was he knows like David you know why do you go to Mars and I gave him every answer other immediate draw us would you know be around people I got something in common with he had to have some friends and I have to hang out by myself and people to talk to and so that's how we doing today we just don't drink while we're doing

nothing profile and and I agree to get you know civil you type in one of those millions

the next day he showed up in his own remarks please carpet mania

and drug me down the place downtown in man of lotus I walked in and heard the messaging gas over one like this is another couple years

but I and I don't remember what Winona you know it was bright that's what I remember was brightly lit my hit her talent was yellow with that and

and I think I picked up on those chips when I offered him and I think it was probably because he went

and I went for a little while though you know I wanted to go back the next day I'd soon I guess there was a solution where I knew my mother I've used up everything I knew I mean doctors ministers girlfriend's family everything I've used up

you know

so I started trying to go into you know one thing I failed to mention that time to

is right about that time with my family things got worse than they ever thought they could and

and it was about my twenty six maybe twenty fifth birthday

and my dad now celebrated in front your about beating each other up you know justice by right on a driveway that was the whole deal that was the thing that happened just before this guy showed up

can kind of put me ready I've used a family they won't have any more money after that just used it all up and I started going to those meetings

in my experience you know years ago out of told you you know maybe I wouldn't rating

you know maybe I'll just one ready but I don't know about that looking at it now I went into a group of crazy big and

it was an Alcoholics Anonymous group that full crazy people and other people are hooked up was like all crazy people came to me and offered me hill

and I and I thought this was great you know I thought man this is good you know these these people care about me you know they're concerned about me and they're offering the Hilton scrape and never had a place like that

and then at this pathological liar that couldn't get one honest word out and it was to the point where you know I am unsolicited come up until the last note I got moved himself into my house tonight the last bit of food I had in the fridge brown is dealt with in

then there's another gathered offered me help and I really needed to help you know I'm drunk again and I called him and he said and told me where it was and said come on down I'll talk with you know I got down there now is a little hole in the wall bar and he's in there drinking and told me he'd go pick up a ninety day chip tomorrow

no that's not right

yeah I really don't wanna drink you know I don't drink and I know that's not right but you know I think his counseling you get the groups that have strong sponsorship is crazy people run wild and take advantage of the free you know I got some pretty definitely learns about that nowadays

but you know it didn't take long before the girlfriend that I've been fighting with who really wanted me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous felt like I should stop going to Alcoholics Anonymous kind people are still meet and hang out with she didn't want me to have what they had

and I mean I agree with their nonstop and start drinking again and I went on drinking for about another

maybe six months or so really bad drinking you know can

again that you do when you don't want to be drinking you just got a major

and what happened I went through some had never gone through before I've been through this morning jitters I've been through sickness I've been through

violence and anger and hurt nearby they were cared anything about money but I hit something new that I didn't know about which was detainees you know I found out about quit drinking too quickly still have

and you know and I spent an evening crawling around in the floor here's our ins and

trying to get telephone just Colin ambulance you know what I could to dial out of doing it you know when I was just hearing screaming in ambulances and that kind of thing it got my attention

you know and I and I woke up and fell on the the Calais in a game

and

another thing that happened for me and I think you know when god puts people and the where he where he needs them for warming up like what it is is a woman yes is this man that took me my first making introduced me to introduce me home first day in this guy handed me a business card with his name and number on

and you know

as I kept that in my wallet and I call this guy that day when I got ready after those detainees and he was there and he was still server Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn't realize at that time what a miracle it was because this got one ninety days over when I met him and I didn't realize the turnover rate we have an Alcoholics Anonymous at that time I do now I know it was an absolute miracle and male still so

because we like convince ourselves were more successful than we are but we're not

and a large number of people sitting around here today are gonna be here next year and this guy having a base over my calling us they cannot come back nobody listening when you quit

in a

he talked to me said yes and we hooked up he became a first officer

like I say I got sober at one like that at all you know I drank for another year and a half

and we'll have more money out try to make some effort some steps and and I I would drink it like I'd make it three days and then I make it a weekend right and then I make it two days and drank and I keep thinking of light yes and I make it thirty days and I get brilliant you know and just start sharing and and take drunk on the way home you know

and you know picking up white chips to list up clapping for you know they just kind of gotten

or you know the family reached point where I figured why tips were the problem I just quit picking them up you know that I I obviously was a problem you know

but I just can't come back you know if I didn't do anything else right I follow that one instructional keep coming back

you know and what I think now the problem was was not in the water problem once you know I didn't know what I had I thought I did I thought I walked into a and understood I had alcohol is

I don't know what that meant I really did start out this thing thinking it meant when I take a drink after like two minutes and that's it I didn't understand a loss of our choice insurance

I didn't have a choice I was here people tell me things like you know choose not to drink today and didn't realize asking

it's not possible for me

make a decision not to drink had no bearing on whether or not drunk that day

you know remember your last August and realize what else me at this time and place I'm not gonna be able to do that it's good to win it works but for drunk like me who don't have any choice I get in this weekly writing you know and then suddenly I think and I forget what happened that made me won't stop drinking

play the type three didn't happen

didn't happen when I was ready to drink too late you know plan type three didn't happen for me

no will power based solution was going to work for me but I didn't know what I had I didn't know what it have a choice and only find him for me as I got most

you know what even even tried you know I've got a girlfriend and I

over here and

Tuesday is over and I wouldn't know until she was stands over that hill you know should she and I are going a lot of meetings together she's doing well

Anna nothing was working in results about a year and a half ago when ninety days couple times to let me cheer mate and then I get really integral

all that was you know I just got miscible height of men laid off from a job store to drink and I was supposed here Friday evening speaker may

Kalau brilliant at that point Nicolette Jennings Anna and I showed up drunk to Jeremy

and shared it

if I had the power doors and drink I would draw on the way home not only there you know

and what happened was you know

but other than that from me my friends you know in a light you know I've had enough my family no longer believe that it was my last latest

I didn't see that work in new AA didn't work for me I had been doing what I said I went every day

and and it did more

and I got miserable because I've made some good friends over that year and a half or so I've met people that are really cared a lot about like here about me and my wrist lands over not one

and and that's a really lonely place today are cut out to drinking buddies all I had was me

and that was a really bad place to be and they lost on doctor on

my mother's coming up to visit not decided well almost ice over just long enough for her to find him okay

and I couldn't make it till ten o'clock that morning

someone may brokenness toned out drunken she got there the smile

you know I need some kind of help I have been resisting him lock me up somewhere because I had a lot important business and

things on the to do were I a was all I needed and learn a lot made up somewhere and she picked me up took me back to Alabama and

if I had my choice I'd been in a treatment facility ET three mechanized meals a day talking about my issues and

god gave me what I needed not what I wanted and I was in the psych ward in a place down in Alabama people have problems far greater than what I had because I didn't have a solution for what they

and what happened was god put before me people I needed to make it and I work

special alcoholics who had a great message here you know one was a little girl named Natalie who

have they allow calls on drums he looked like he was about seven which is really the thing she won the only okay and it was for drinking and it wouldn't her fall and she is weak it

my friends with another little girls about twelve looks a lot like the daughter that girl I mentioned earlier she just come out of a body cast from being thrown down a flight of stairs viral calling father and she was in there you know and I was alcohol at one her fall in nineteen have anything to do with that

I am not

and you know a lot of people like that you know I'm a lot of people abused by other people stricken you know and then somehow or another that made a real impression on me

and

this is why I left that place you know they roll guy in a wheelchair and he was talking a lot of A. slogans

a lot of good help with sound around discussion made

and adult and payments over twenty five years in Alcoholics Anonymous and

and moved down there and and really like how they did it and and quit going one too long that you know be an elder's wife passed on he began drinking they couldn't even wall he knew what to sign but if you want even more

and the tension you know I still load I gotta do this at least twenty five years you know I got the that you know had had a drink since that time either

and what was different this time you know I thought about it a lot more than that you know I don't know first of all some and they broke it when anything else give me you know something and suddenly had bright

that thing in me that thought I could avoid the next right

and it left an opening where I needed to find a higher power

they want anything else when I came back here and you know during that last remark I talked to a couple of gas one big black prison guard nine Hilton who intimidate the hell out of me and in a little biker names dish that intimidate the hell out of me you know both of them here made this and I called him round the clock and they tell me every time and I mean you know what hello it's time for them to go to bed then when I and I drink all night and then I knew okay they're getting up at six after calling again and I talk to me every time not once did those ghastly

call me when you're sober

you know they knew I wouldn't drinking because I wanted to play and I knew I was drinking because I had to stop my tell me when I got back I got listed last a more spit he got me over this house Nicholas lying out ways that I'll start reading and and strangely enough when you don't go through the doctor's opinion is get the how it works you find out what you got and explain to me that an alcoholic like me didn't have any choice and drinking and I was gonna have to find a higher power around here to drink again

and he spent some time explaining that million understood at this time he also shared with me so these doing Charlie today but I listen to you know drew for love and listen type thing over again and they tell me the signs line now called the multi plan have power tools and drank a better on our power by using the steps of this program and they explained in such a way where I understood it and they would tell me things a one here in certain round every class but now they were telling me exactly what I had

they're some of the problem the solution and program of action to bring about that solution and real simple why and and that's what IT is

you know on I didn't have a real belief in god

what I read was all I had to have was a willingness to believe in god to get started and that was all I needed you know I've been trying to start with a thought in

have you know we were saying you gotta have faith I didn't have belief in what was on the

and this thing tell me I just had to be well enough will

an alcohol made me Willis and and I was willing to do that and and I personally don't which is the willingness to believe in the power out in Louisiana

and I got one again two thirds that might just it like it's you know got all money