The Alano Club in Reykjavík, Iceland

my name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic hi

I'm really glad to to be here I

I somehow recovered from this

hopeless hopeless place I got myself to

I'm from includes a lot of my home group is the Monday night men's meeting and my sponsors a runner from Iceland

and and this whole trip I got I got on my subreddit is may twenty third two thousand two

and

the I guess they can can start with that I started drinking when I was about fourteen

it was first it was you know mere and I felt good and I think in any trouble and then and then I drink some gin and I remember something happened I remember I felt I thought this beautiful beautiful way about life and then and then I I want to stay that way forever and then I overshot it

and I got in a fight with my dad and there was blood everywhere and the police were there and

they decided that they were going to put me in the car and I didn't want that and then there anyways

and

I woke up the next morning in a

enough is this early in the cell and I wondered you know how can I drink without without winding up in jail

because it was it was it was beautiful I mean I love to drink I love the thought that way then it made me feel last night was

as I can answer that I wanted my whole life and never and never got back from the talks about in the book and that it felt at ease

and I I try to find out again throughout the whole

and it worked for a little while and then I would get in trouble again

and within a live real short time I was in I was in it and the center for a year

because of drinking

and I I got out and I've been sober for a you know almost a year and I thought that at every alcoholic does that after a little bit of time so that you can learn again how to drink and I'd pass that I passed that

the line and really quickly I was drinking more than I ever had and I was coming a practicing alcoholic

I I did that for about five years and when I was

when I was twenty I had become everything that I never wanted to be I became a person that bye bye under the lows I've became

this solo of a of a person that

that I swear I was gonna change my life the day that day and I would I would pick up a beer and I would drink it and I would be dumbfounded while I was doing it because I didn't understand and I always used to say I would quit drinking but I wanted to and then I just really wanted to and I couldn't I had no I couldn't I couldn't do it I had no control I know power over it

and

I wanted to I wanted to quit drinkin and I didn't know how and so I thought that maybe trying to kill myself would resolve that because drinking wasn't working

and I had this huge because

in my house

hello I thought you know maybe you know maybe this is bill the wait to get out and and I don't have any ammo though and then the next you know the next more playing with his gun and pulling the trigger and and

and the next morning it comes in my house this is I got I got ammo for the gun and and I I shrink so small because I'm I'm I was afraid already everything in the world and my world to come to my basement and I was and I was uncomfortable to go anywhere already and then and then I couldn't even live there anymore

and that was a good place for me to be at home for alcoholic because I was at the jumping off place and I knew I needed something more than than what I had

I am I

I shortly after that I conceded to minor myself that I was an alcoholic that I had something was with my body different than other people that when I put out a hole in my body it it it it did it differently and I would get developed this cravings and I couldn't stop drinking more and I already knew about them the you know my mind thing I mean it was obvious to me so when I came today and is that was the first step

it was really easy to accept that you know I I knew I was an alcoholic hi I went to one meeting and then and then a bunch of kids watching missing over there and all I could do was cry the whole time as they bullshit their way through the whole meeting and talked about you know all kinds of things that I did that I knew that I wasn't there for

and then after you know what I was that they were done done bullshit and I was done crying a guy came over to me and he said you know I just don't drink tonight and come back you know there's a meeting tomorrow you can go to you know he gave me he gave me I got a schedule and at the next meeting I went to I got a temporary sponsors and

I went out I went out and they did the first three steps with him within ten days the beans over

and then I went to

a minute meeting it was a mistake beginners meeting and and when I first saw it as a dark room and then a lot of and there's this guy there with in a black leather jacket and black clothes in the middle of summer and it's a dark room and there's this dark corner there and he's he you know he there people are sharing and you know he's laughing at him interesting people off and

and and then and then he turned his attention to me and that the end of the meeting and he's asking you are you your kid is that what you know and I'm like because I'd I drink to much and things get messed up

and

and then he's able to try some control drinking and you know I tell me a little bit of more of a magic I'm like you know I'm I'm the kind of guy that buys a cake and we go out to the valley and I end up with my might be all beat up my trucks messed up all my friends left me in no more beer and I spent the whole of the money to put the whole thing on and and he's like yeah you're hopeless and I'm like yeah I wasn't the the support that I was I was looking for here

but I was I was I was beat down so bad and I didn't want to about what I had anymore I want something else

and

and so I I followed him around and he asked me to go fishing with him

so so I showed up out in Bristol bay

you know worried about my warrants and flying on the planes and all that those those things that that come up you know to try to stop you from getting well

and I I went out there and

and you know there's room are smiling when I showed up and they have been so long and my license some have been happy to see me somewhere

and

you know I I got to work on on that boat and we talked he's like you can't complain

noticing no whining

and and that's what I did you know and we talked about spirituality we talked about god we talked about you know all kinds of things that you know got me fired up about it we talked about minutes maybe talk about a lot of elements means that he got me stoked about this idea of a men's meeting and I don't know the oppressive and cry

yes I

so I was like I got

I got excited about this whole idea but a spiritual experience and live in a situation where life is I I knew from being a little kid I wanted as I always wanted to have a

a deep rooted kind of spiritual life but I never know how to get it and I was always so like just unable to live with wife and but I wanted to be connected I wanted to be whole and I don't know what that was I didn't know how to do that though

and and then you know I I got this book and it gave me simple simple directions on how to do that for a person that like me that has a spiritual malady I I'm I don't not right I'm not comfortable with myself and I have a five physical allergy to alcohol the one I put it in it I mean it makes me feel awesome and then I want more and and I can't and then my mind when I'm not drinking I can't stop wondering

and with all these things combined it's a lethal combination for me I mean I can't beat it by myself

so I think you know I get this opportunity to you know I mean sure I'm powerless over alcohol I mean the police proved that time and time again I mean the guys to come through that time and time again I mean just you know I proved it taken last time timing and I've run into walls I mean I you know I I just I was my own worst enemy

and

and then and then you know I get the solution so I do that you know I've already done the first three steps no I said do whatever kind of higher power is out there you know sure I'll accept that and out there on the boat you know I had I got time to kind of develop my own understanding of that I mean I don't even understand it more I just got I guess more to believe in it and more to make that decision but this is the decision that I make that change my life from here on out you know I'm not just going to not drink today I mean I had to tell myself that you know the first few days the ones I had two weeks which is longer than I'd ever been sober from five not for myself but you know just over in my life without people put me in a room you know without alcohol I mean I was sober out in the world and you know there's the the captain's drinking booze and you know there's there's alcohol in the ball with me and I'm not I'm not you know I'm not freaking out want to go drink it

guess for before you know I mean

the not I quit drinking I try to give my dad a fifth of booze and say Hey dad hi this from me I still boosting them in my whole **** life and I'm trying to tell him to hide it from me and you know I'm like this isn't how does this is going to you know I was like he can do a good enough job when you want to keep it from so I was like he's not good enough

is that all of those on the table and I'm just like you know I'm on my cell phone towers over and I don't wanna I wanna drink three beers and I was I was you know finishing up this bit and I and I didn't know why I didn't know how

and it

it overwhelming

so you know I I sit by myself you know I can't figure this out

and then and I get into the steps and then you know so I've done the first three and I get a I get a different sponsor for whatever reason and

he makes me wait a while to do the steps you know maybe I'm six months over and I finally get around to do the four stuff which is way too long if you ask me I was crazy for too long it's just you know I've I've I recommend doing that discusses possible and not have to wait around with that

September the uncomfortable idea of of having to write all that stuff out in the knowing what it is and not you know being able to just sitting on it I mean it's it's

the only thing is that we got me closer to god is to empty out all that stuff that I got I mean you were and are still on the boat time and time again you know the only known yeah I mean you can get well regardless of anyone provide you clean house and trust god and and that's what I I needed to do next and so I looked at all you know all the things that all the people done to me and all my resentments and I've seen you know where I'd been I thought in my part and we we work we work those out you know I did it out of the book and you know I got I got to tell somebody and I didn't really know if I trusted him or not but I was like you know I don't really know who this is punk dude is but I'm I'm gonna do this and if it comes back you know I just knocked it couldn't they probably isn't going to be worse than what I've already been through sorry had to live through that stuff once the people known about isn't that bad because you know I mean they knew about the beginning

so I did I did that this stuff and

and then I wasn't sure that I did it right the first time so I did it again with another guy and and I started getting a little more relief and then I did I did you know this the the six and the seven and you know I spent I spent more time on my my seven trying just to make sure that I didn't want to

the skimp on this because this the talks about you know we're we're building this this archway that we're gonna walk through a street person free from this this all of this is you know life that I wanted and

and that you know I didn't I didn't want to have a would be little arch

when it was something that was solid and that you know I could get through and it was going to be good I didn't want that some kind of

I have program because I seen it around I mean I seen a lot of ice in a lot of sick people in a still and they were getting well and you know I've seen this guy in on I'm I'm getting you know thirty sixty ninety days and I see this guy just keep on calm stuff a newcomer and you know I'm like **** that I mean it was it was not for me to come back in a time of time again I mean I'd I'd knew that when I came in here I made a decision for my life I mean it wasn't it wasn't just other secco is doing today I mean it was it was just so bad and and and when I when I needed a a power I needed a miracle I wasn't going to like just be going back and forth with that

so I did I did the seven step you know night I'm like you know these things that I do that to make people mad at her people on the people that I love particularly you know I I just I ask for them to be taken away

and you know I think I think most of them had you know sometimes my fear crops up

but you know I'd I'd ask you know I spent the time and I did that I said please you know remove these things

and then and then came back in the other list of all the people that I harm and I you know I took it from the inventory I made and I made a bigger and added a lot of a lot of

financial amends

I I had a box of rubber checks and I used every single one of them

and the and you know they keep track of them they got your name on a

and I I

I made almost made it halfway through those in two years and it was about four thousand dollars or so far and I got about four thousand more to go

and you know I made some headway and you know it was just all I can really hope for to do I mean I drink for for five years so I hope that in on for five years I have that we pay

and then I I got to address some about it almost two years over maybe a little over a year depend on you know some of them in the making and now my father and this time he's an active alcoholic we used to drink together every day and

I know I have a lot of resentment against that man from the beginning to the end and I'd I'd accepted you know that he's part of the backdrop and then you got to treatment in the us over and over coverages yeah you know I I write in my men's median we got to him and say you know I was I wasn't sure what you know what how I was going to go but you know he's working the twelve steps and and I had this this you know nice to to do things that a lot of a lot of bad things to them and I did a lot of things the sun should do no matter what their fathers do and so I had to go and clean up my side of the street because like I said I made a decision to get a new life I don't want to change my old one and upgraded a little bit I just wanted to scrap it and start over

and I was I'd I'd you know I'd like to talk to my I asked him you know I told all the things that I thought that I did wrong ask the money to do to make it right and he was able to hit art he done his nice step too so we got a kind of a speech James nice lives at the same time and you know my

my life kept on getting better you know I I I was able to apologize to my mom and repair the relationship that I had with her is actually a few in there with her for a little bit and she didn't trust me before and I was fully able to regain her trust and I kind of be a good person just need to make a living images not not comment on the Milan I drunk screaming at my parents being bad parents and you know not making any more wreckage

I

I got to a

the kind of clean up and all these things I thought about about that maybe about the may be a less the person that I didn't want to be

and the the relief that I felt from doing those was it was lifting the weight off my shoulders but I just didn't even understand my life is getting better and all kinds of ways I got a job at a school that I probably you know like I almost went into a fight and get institutionalized and I have the seven pages of of criminal record that you know I'm walking in with to go apply for this job and I just know they're going to turn me down and yet they're they're caught up on the phone like we just need a letter with your your record collection to get hired will would search on payroll and you know I'm I'm all full of fear and they're just common to just come on just a letter just explain a few words just write it down and and I was like two weeks you know I'm just dragging my heels I'm just full of fear and I write this letter and the like okay start Monday

and I'm just like you know I'm not there I am working with little kids you know like kindergarten through twelfth grade and the twelfth grade ones are you know they're just like me and you know I can relate to a lot of them I I know a lot of them around the holidays and I kind of talk about that I mean just talk about whatever they want to talk about I'm working with these kids and I just gonna going to play basketball with them a lot of times and you know there and then I'm like what does work start you know out there on the basketball court running around and you know life had gotten it was it was good manageable I was getting I was doing these things and and it was it was changing I don't have fears as much anymore I was I was starting to see these promises

I'd tell the eleven step

and meditation I tried every morning I try to try to turn my will my wife over and ask for guidance on being here has been has been awesome Carly eight hours difference from Alaska so it's like get up earlier I don't know what the deal is we got twenty four hours a day right there too but it's just I don't know if it's more powerful here's something

and at seven OO to get up early in the mornings and just kind of premeditated and and find my conscious contact which is pretty easy when you're on so many people that are in recovery is I don't understand why my sponsor told me to come here at the beginning I I I don't understand why said you had to come back in two months if you stay longer than any diseases he set me up totally I mean to see how strong but we know what what I gotta do to care this much see how it's being done over here is just phenomenal to see so many young people and and recovery form from this just not it's not the same there's there's little pockets and videos of my home group but I I came here and you know I was I was greeted and I've been welcomed and it's been a

spent something else you know god has has entered my life and like the book talks about he says that you know he's he's gonna be my principal and I'm gonna be as agents so I'm representing this higher power the spirit of the universe and and and has my duty or responsibility or or actually privilege you know I get it I get a show you know like the thirst of says you know take away my difficulties that victory over them bear witness to those are help with I love that power in the way of life

and that's a lot of him you take away my difficulties I had a lot of them I mean I could complain for hours about and you know just to go on and on and on about them and someone will little and some were big in somewhere outside issues and some radicalism and and but you know what you already have on all of them when I'm in god's life are taken away

and the and I get to

I get to be that I get to be that experience the guide can can do so much for some for someone

and you know I don't like to talk about what about all my my drink in a drug and I did but I mean

you know people see me now and and they meet me now and then I start to tell him about you know that the times that I was I was doing you know oxy cottons and shooting up and I decided was that already shot up that I should maybe try here once I didn't and I needed to prepare the two and then there's a logic in that you know since very irregular people don't understand and the guy that I was the guy that I was that I was picking the girl up from you know he's like why are you doing this and I think it doesn't make sense to you it makes great sense to me

and you know just all these things that you know I do in life that that were killing me you know but I don't really see if they made sense because I was so I had this disease I was I was disconnected from

from any kind of a balancing point

you know Sundays I'd be happy off the walls and then other days I'd be depressed and I couldn't I couldn't find any kind of any kind of medium and and I always try to

of make it work with alcohol but then you know I I'd punch holes in the walls and you know steal money from my dad and you know get in a fight with my girlfriend and you know all I wanted was to kind of have

you know some kind of regular life and no clue as to how to do it

and by coming to Norman I was I wasn't sure that it was gonna be able to solve all these problems you know I was like I knew drinking I mean that in these five years I'm like okay so where's drinking you know I would I need to solve this I need to solve that but this drinking thing I kind of wanna hold on to that because that's like my only the only thing that really helps me deal with all this rich you know this all this reality I mean if it wasn't if it wasn't so

it wasn't like it was I mean I mean maybe I could not drink I didn't understand that you know that this whole disease and how it pretty much and taps me into if I don't if I don't find a spiritual experiences spiritual awakening spiritual way of life that I'm gonna die miserable alone in jail

you know just a life that I mean it's a cruel sentence to to have no answer to

and so I so I you know I charge this road and you know I go looking for a new guys I go to treatment centers I go to work often wears institutionalize that Messi staff members that are that are used to you know locked the door and and and you know say good night and day and now they're on now they seem to come back there and I get to try to carry the message that the the U. center there and I got approved as a as a you know a cert volunteer you know and then you know when I I called up to six months and they're like you know not

I don't know and I call it you know I was like I was going to call you back again I was like and then I called back in nine months and I don't know if you know and I just got longer and longer sobriety and eventually the like okay in six months we'll give you six month waiting period and then you come back up like all right I'll be back from Europe that and you have a little bit of resentment ego how could they turn you down

you know I'm you know I'm carrying this message and

and yet you know I I got to go in and I got to talk to a few those kids

and really you know it it made me feel probably a lot better to

to walk out of that center without a guard without a probation officer holds you know walking out you know I was in there for a year and so that that feeling

that was just you know guy just was shining on me the whole time I was walking out of there you know just phenomenal because I'm you know I mean they don't blame being in jail there and

you know it's the kind of mine's been a guy that was in and then ended up being the warden of it I mean hello I was able to turn the turn the table on the on the other side of it I've lived I've lived in the misery of it and

and because that out of my my first meeting was when I was institutionalized a guy came in and he said that when he was sixteen he drank like this he said that he went to the meetings of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous he got sober and I remember when this drug counselor who I didn't yeah I mean I knew she was you know for treatment so I don't really believe her but I remember when she told me to go today it just brought me back to this guy who told me that he got sober when he was sixteen

and you know what I can remember that and also my sobriety and then you know

one night I finally meet this guy on the seventh of the year he has a seventeen years and you know I got to give me his corn for you know for for that and because he he I mean he carries the message we planted that seed you know when I was fourteen I didn't even you know I knew I knew I was an alcoholic but I mean I just didn't have enough knowledge or something I guess I would be satisfied with the misery or something

and just so you know I think a little more and and yet you know he carried the message and it down in there and and for me to be able to maybe do that and do it he

at least to when I was I was at that broken point than I was at that I was at that little kind of that low where you can you can break through all the fences that we we make for ourselves and all the confusion that we make other people in there trying to help us I'd I'd go to counsellors and psychotherapists and psychologists and you know I love talking with them and they want to fill me full of drugs or or I hate talking to him and I just cried the whole session and feel like worse at the end of it and just embarrassed that I even went to do it because you know I'm I mean my life was so bad and they got going on try to get a job and I was like you know they had no idea what how how deep these things I mean the job was going to fix what I would you know that the pistol that I wanted to put in my mouth I mean it wasn't a financial and security that was that my life was initiatives such as virtual bottom

that

I needed I need a miracle thank my sponsor says he goes around now and and

yes people do you feel like you need a miracle

and and when they say yes you know it's it's kind of it's kind of cool and now it's been around for two years now my home group

and I get to see guys who used to come in and there's just talk is just talk and I wouldn't hear word they said because they weren't saying anything that differs is talking and then suddenly it changes what they're saying and they're talking about you know what's really awesome when you get in here and getting in to see a guy that was her in and do something and you seem wake up and you seem to get a spiritual experience and when he's saying that you know he's talking about some other duties but I'm seen in him and that must mean that you know somebody might have seen it in me because you know that's how we it says in the book that's how we noticed that you know who knows other people's lives are taken off and we're gonna notice other you know other people or other people noticed us before we do

and it was

this is these gifts that keep on being given to the to the fellowship I mean I thought that is I'm drinking to the beautiful thing for me you know chemically in my mind it was I got relief I mean I can take a drink and all the tension in my back they would just go away that you know hours yoga barely touches

and and so I needed you know like a sufficient substitute

I needed I needed a place to wear you know my my life you know I wouldn't be in a certain book plans as stupid boring long and love coming here I stand I know you guys are what got a lot going on here it and it's not about you know being being righteously I see some people back at home in a that are trying to be right just on me and you know I just don't can't really have any of that I mean I don't come here to be to be you know is in the region nice you know axes to grind or people to please no lectures to be entered and that's the the methods you find most effective and so can I come in here tonight and I love having a fun time in a I like going out I love bringing new guys with me in just going and doing different things after the meeting I'm always I always try to assure communities early you know bring you guys if I can if I for their looking for a ride

going to treatment centers and and and pick them up just anything I can do to make you know my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous more fun and add to the experience of someone else is going to have has it's just awesome to see you know a kid to get out of treatment and you know when I had no place to go and no one to turn to no one to talk to you know at least he has a chance you might not stay sober but at least you know I've I've I've made it the effort and I you know I try I do enjoy you know me doing so it's it's

but I think it's bill's writing on tradition five it's a self preservation duty and love

that that fuel my life now and you know at times I slipped out of that and you know I I started getting back into self in my ego and all that but then you know I get pulled right back into it and you know I go to my meeting and I see I see you know my friend have a spiritual experience and you know it's it's just awesome when when I when used when I stick around long enough to see you know a guy that is just you know he's he's not around for six months and then something happened today and then he still there at ten you know and then he's gonna is your chip and it's like you know how did that happen I mean we have our did I really stay around this whole time

eight and this whole thing because I never finished anything before and I never I never could you know finish school finished nothing I mean anything that I mean there's the blues and everything but I mean

I I never I never you know maintain the commitments I had and you know I was you know they they made me secretary of mine at the men's meeting there and in anchorage

and you know I I they say you're supposed to be there for six months and somehow I hung on for eight

and I you know I got to kind of be a centerpiece of something and and talk to people about it and be involved in it and not be a part of something not the head not the tail just in the middle of it and when and when not you know you hear good things about that meeting you know you someone to invite tunes that have heard good things about that meeting you know and it's like you know that's that's you know I'm not going there I know that that's where I belong my my home group hi it's it's a it's a spiritual place I mean as a sacred place for me to go to a haven I mean I get all twisted out of shape it any day of the week and you know I go in there and you know I sit down and there's there's someone I know and and they're talking about this program about getting spiritual experience that that changes them from being a messed up person that can't stop putting chemicals in the body to someone that's focused on on passing on a message of hope

as for a long time yeah I don't have any hope and there was nobody I could go to thank give it to me it could transmit it

and somehow this is alcoholic

we're able to to uniquely touched me in a way that that the you know other people can I mean there's there I gather the mentors but the intimacy that the alcoholics have of knowing this one to go so far down just for for a little bit of pleasure and relief from from a substance I mean it's

some people understand that some people don't but the ones that do the ones that understand what I'm talking about when they're talking to your drink Listerine and I'm like no but I've I've inhaled the hair spray and in the larger for three minutes and I know you're an alcoholic you know when when I can can fly halfway across the world and you know meet person person to person and you know have this drive

of these

this program at this fellowship and and not you know I mean I haven't I haven't picked up on on which chapter was you know with read the same thing in my home group you know more about alcoholism you know I heard that the cognac and of the either name out different things I try to do so in a street thirty five dollar cognac when I'm on the street

over

the the the home you know sophisticated drug

hi is there was a all these different things I tried to do and none of them you know they often the messed up somehow despite my best intentions of trying to have a good life

and

find out

and now you know life is

it is good I mean this

this program you know them well and and you know come here I get I get a little bit later I get a stand I guys room we went but he has all these the speaker tapes on the computer and then you know I'm just listening to one after another and I listen when I'm sleeping and I'm but just as you know Hey by osmosis and it's then I wake up and he's talking about you know spiritual experience and it's just so cool that to come to a place that's just so rich with this this message I have

yeah I know that I have a purpose in life now and then when I came to alcoholics anonymous I knew I belonged I knew I had the symptoms but I didn't I didn't you know talk about the fellowship and it says it'll come to me you know I want to teach I want it now I wonder that that day and but it was you know it got built slowly you know the the the home group I have a list was six guys at first and then you know it was fifty five this winter so I mean this is happening in their

and

you know I got to do is show up and see where I can add to and put my hand out to the new guy that is this just as hopeless as I was and just as broken and just scared and and he doesn't he doesn't know if he wants to quit drinking he doesn't know if he's an alcoholic you just you know he's just like me you know it for six months I don't know no matter what you're asking no matter what it was I mean did I all I could utter was I don't know I was taking you know handfuls of anti psychotics and blacking out for twenty hours a day and sleeping for the others you know just trying to not even be in reality and I see guys come in you know with that scared us and and you know I know it is I noticed tonight I mean and when I start talking about it to them you know if they can you know they they're like man you know this dude he's been there that that you know I'm only as alcoholics and to understand that loneliness of of when we really get down there and we really get lonely and you know there's no one else bids were so distant from god I mean it doesn't really you know makes a so alone is just being so far from god and we try to depend on people I mean