Step 10, 11 and 12 at an AA and Al-Anon workshop titled

hi I'm Linda month grateful member of Allen

okay rinse step ten

I told you before earlier that when I first came to the program there were steps that I liked and stuff that I didn't like

in September was one of the steps that I liked it was chosen staff

for a lot of the wrong reasons but it was still a step that I liked

I found it very easy to say I was sorry

and

I use that term

things over for years

it was just the password I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that I'm sorry

it was a word that kept it was a phrase that kept peace

it was a phrase that sort of got me off the hook it was a phrase that I thought made you feel better I over used

I remember hearing one time and Alan and speak and she said she felt that she was indirectly responsible for World War two

and for that she was very sorry and I really really related to that because I I used it for all the wrong reasons so when I got to step ten I thought I could do it and I also like to because I thought I could do it better than Bob could do it

was one of the steps that I thought I had I was a little bit ahead of him

my second sponsor

I had two sponsors for a period of about seven years and I chose the second sponsor because my first sponsor quit going to meetings and one of my rules

that I need to have a sponsor who attends meetings regularly has sponsored works the steps and so my rule started got jarred a little so I had the second sponsor and one day she and I were talking about step ten and I was telling her how well I did it and how easy it was for me and she said Linda you know I don't see anywhere in there that it says your sorry

it just says when you were wrong promptly admitted she said from now on when you are making amends and you are doing step ten I want you to use the words I was wrong

well let me tell you

the difference between I'm sorry which could just roll off my tongue two I am wrong

was profound it was like somebody hit me and took all the wind out of me it was so difficult to do

and we also talked about you know taking responsibility and saying you're wrong when you're wrong that just to smooth things over we talked about the whole thing but anyway that wasn't of a real big difference for me and now when I do say that make amends to people I try not to say I'm sorry or I try to say it in conjunction with but I always say

I was wrong I wish I hadn't done it that way or I was wrong when I did that I'm sorry about that but thanks to Marcy I I cannot do that step without saying I'm wrong

there's now become a new phase of it for me and the new faces

I was the kind of person who when you are wrong

especially one Bob or the kids were on

which of course wasn't very often

but when that the slight chance that that would occur

I was the kind of person who would rub it in

and make it very very clear to them

that not only were they wrong but that they had inconvenienced me

and I started to grow up just recently on that one and realized

that once it's happened and now I'll tell you I still it is not that the inclination or the desire has gone away it has not gone away at all I still would love to rub your nose in it when I get a chance but I try very hard that is a new part of my program

but I'm trying very very hard not to do

so when you've done something wrong I've had to do something different because of it

my new plan of attack not to tell you

to allow myself to be the person who handles it to take the responsibility and nap in other words for like next thank you you know you spilled the milk you know and

it's very difficult but I like it a whole lot nine to turn it over to Bob

you're wrong so often you think you would be more used to it

continue to take personal inventory when we arrive promptly minute

most of us have a sense in the system

Kevin really clean house you know that we we we really have a computer sells out

and this is a way to not feel ourselves back up you know most of us if we are careful we just keep throwing rocks and knapsack

and I can find our soul waited down again if we aren't careful and this is a very appropriate tools for not burdening ourselves as we go about

our business recovery and again I want to say this not being a radic about these things should all take real inventions and go deal with them I think people who are on a spiritual walk and are looking for growth and looking for the full measure of recovery

continuing to take an inventory continuing to examine continuing to question ourselves and a healthy not non neurotic waiting

is one of the greatest tools we have not having to be right

I'll tell you there is nothing sweeter than you know like

one being right you know I mean it it is

for a lot of people that's what life's about looking good and being right you know and if you're careful there's those you know those are the booby prize would you get if you're right if you don't get relationship you know a lot of time you want to maintain a relationship being right or something that you have to

subjugate put in second position to go do that

so I I again it's an attitude that I think we look to ourselves only question

both are motors and our behavior

and I think it's a manager that will stand us in good stead you know something that will guarantee or at least allow us to have an opportunity that we don't revert initials

the eleven structures after premeditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we

I understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will for us the power to carry that out

our book

I believe that as we become more recovered

we've become closer to our god

I believe that the process of finding it is a process of coming home

I believe that much of the angst that we have in life is being separated from god in the first place

and that you know kind of the

you have great mythology and Iceland you know some of the Bible you know and I don't mean to offend anybody is also considered by some to be mythology when we talk about the Adam and eve event on original so

and

some people think that the original sentence just that the because the whole concept of being separated from god and that are missing journey is to come back to god to rejoin ourselves

to find our whole to restore our integrity

and that most of us in that process

are experiencing the pain of separation

the sense of loneliness the sense of

different you know that our eagle you know only two choices either of your ego and intellect running the show or you have your god centric okay when your ego and intellect are running the show you're different you're separate

you know and you're in opposition to everything around you and you know and all of us in life or trying to reduce pain and goes towards pleasure

okay it doesn't work but I mean that is our programs you took most human beings what we're trying to do is avoid pain and move towards pleasure okay now we get into the western way of thinking and you know most of us are looking for our redemption most of us are looking for our solution most of you know in things you know in a person you know if I get the right person I forget the right house to get the right car for work the right clothes if I have the right body if I have you know there's always something

you know we're looking for what's next what do you want I'm just a little bit more

you know we are people that go to it all you can eat place for five dollars we want ten dollars there may there is I mean I'm not is only a concept we have never experienced enough

another

does not exist for us

yeah I don't know there's so many things you know I just kind of one step eleven and twelve maybe to be kind of a rapid source but

but in a sense

we are people who are I believe that started out

perfectly intact and whole

nothing mission complete

but what was complete and whole was like this perfect magnet and we have dragged this magnet through the junk yard of life

it's a very powerful magnets and when we showed up in a it was just very

with pieces of metal and pieces of junk that we have accumulated

in the process of love in our lives

that we should build layer after layer after layer of protection

that we built a machine

for our protection from paying for our protection from looking up things that we didn't want to see

that's the process of finding god in the process of finding peace in the process of finding joy is one of removal not of addition

that would take away the barriers that are between us and our experience of a higher power

that you know by action by action aid we take off a piece of metal off that big ball on Sunday we will see as a shine of light come through from that perfect place

that underneath it all we are whole and intact with nothing missing

that our spiritual journey is one of coming home to homeless not

repairing

and these are just words because in some ways we do repair in some ways we do improve in some ways we do change but the fact is after thirty six years of my being in a I'm the same guy

I'm old and gray and fat but I'm the same guy yeah me inside I'm still thirty two thirty three I don't know what the number is but it's it's in the thirties

and

make sure your spirit doesn't change you know your outside agents you know but your spirit doesn't age and most of us have been so used to looking at each other like we're our Chevrolet

you know so what we want to do something to feel better we look at the Chevrolet pain we put the wheels on it we get it painted we get a politician we forget we're not to Chevrolet with the driver

and all the drivers are the same

when they step out of the Chevrolet all the drivers are the strangest

they're not different the same

and I think that every once in awhile we get a sense of that every once in awhile we get touched in a way when we come in the program

that

we know the answer has something to do with a power greater than ourselves

that we know that the answer doesn't have to deal with

the new watcher the new culture the new house for the new boyfriend or the new girlfriend or the new

something get all even though we may be attracted to that that somehow we've done enough of that

I'm sixty years old I just turned sixty a couple months ago

I cannot believe that number that number just doesn't seem real to me

and I'm sort of retired I'm sort of my son is not working with my partner my partner is older than my partner has forty years of sobriety

we've been partners for thirty two years

thirty four well thirty four years and he grew up two blocks away from me

and his younger brother was my best friend and younger brother is twenty three years right

my partner called on all three of our children to bring them in the program when all three of our kids

yeah it's got on fire they want to talk to Jerry you know so we are

we have always been connected with the connected in face of women connection program in the first fellow I knew in recovery

and it is venom it has been a big deal

show

the bad news is that we have a disease if you don't

deal with it is going to kill us

and it's going to ruin the lives of four to ten people around each

the good news is that in order to get well from what you have to learn how to live

you have to force yourself to learn how to live you have to force yourself because of your illness to put spiritual principles in action in your life

those results of putting spiritual principles in action your life you'll have about most of us will have a better life than we would have had had we never had the disease

because we will be forced to do things that are good for us that we would not have the discipline to do if we didn't have the motivation

I'm having a disease that would kill us if we didn't take the action

now most of us

have a very old idea of god

most of us have personified got

we have an idea of god as a person

but we don't have but by the time we have gone through this program

one of the great things that we have now as we start to have an experience of god

not an idea of god not a believe of god we actually have a number of ways that we can know Ole god not about god

that we control god

if someone says who is god that's ahead question

everybody in this room has had

some experiences where we know god not about god not who god is

we know god

okay

and that is the process of connection that is a process to homeless that is the process of

I've been center okay

now when we increase our praying only for the now you know looking to increase our conscious contact with god as we understand them frame only for the knowledge of his will for us the power to cure that out

I believe that we have to do some scripture reading and although I have been a member number number member of the men's room for the last seventeen years and there are a dozen men in that group in Rome and all the three of us are recovered alcoholic but it's not in a group and it's a girl for spiritual growth which a group called we called quest when the spiritual quest

and we take different books and I am most of us have been sober twenty plus years you know so we're not grabbing newcomers you know we're not grabbing people at you know three weeks of sobriety and put them in this group

because I don't think you we should do that you know we're we're looking at all but I think once you've got a few years of sobriety I think picking up books like sermon on the mount and picking up books that have been historically accurate important to note coalition on a mission picking up a road less traveled the book I told you about you know places a scare you

broadening yours you know all of us get stock from time to time when you're stuck to something that you've never done before go to a group that you've never done it before read talk to someone and getting good advice on a book that might

help you in your spirit if your attitude is good those books are going to hurt you and they're gonna you're gonna stimulate you to do something that I think that many of us don't have enough stimulation

if you don't think you're being program

the average person watches in our our country don't know what it is anymore is like four and a half hours of television

you are forever is a television you get fifteen thousand commercials

a year

I think that maybe a month it is just astounding okay no the messaging that is you're not okay your body is not okay your bank accounts not okay your house is not okay

you're not okay until you have this product shuttling our whole system of consumerism is a subtly make us unhappy insecure and not okay one social

just you wonder sometimes why you're a little slap

I mean that message is everywhere

and the messages you shouldn't have to suffer poor baby you're having a tough time take a pill

our

but but but the idea is

if you're suffering something's wrong

well the fact is is life is sometimes hard

that's not

pessimistic it's just a fact you're going to have your turn in the barrel you can't be sure over for thirty years without having to turn in the barrel you can't be married for a long time without having to really tough patches that's what Blazers

you know in your survival **** strong sometimes just hang up and and and and then during a period of time you don't look very smart and you don't look very good during some of those times but that's just life and if you've got a good sponsor every once in awhile they'll tell you just hang on

this is a really tough stretch

you're a good kid you've done a great job just hang out I can my sponsors told me that a couple of times I'm sorry you're having a tough time doesn't always say you know what you're having a tough time because you do this wrong and that wrong and sometimes she would tell me that but sometimes I'm just the circumstances are tough you got a circuit in your you know all of a sudden the deal yes I was going to go through work doesn't go through there are tough times

but if you're not doing something to maintain your spiritual condition and in three or four places in the big book the book talks about maintaining an enlarging or spiritual condition let's talk about Jim the guy would drink to scratch the car salesman initially drank because he failed to a larger spiritual condition

one of the great questions I ask myself with about eight years of sobriety around the time I have this spiritual renaissance was you know the ABC you know a that we're all Colligan couldn't manage your own lives to be probably no human power could relieve their alcoholism but she god could and what if you were shot

I ask myself Bob how much time have you spent seeking god

no I don't want an answer for that but it's a powerful question

nice going to held meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous you can go

but I think that can also be a rationalization I think once in awhile we should do something specifically

that is shaking a

I don't know exactly what that is I don't know if that's going to church I don't know if this read a book I don't know if this talking to a minister I don't know if that's having a conversation spirituality with your sponsor but if you're going to maintain a larger spiritual condition

ask yourself from time to time what you're doing to maintain the largest virtual condition to improve your conscious contact

because when you're going to change when you're running through the very first thing you have to do is to tell the truth about something

yes the labeling yes the name

so I tell you when I name my alcoholism it made an enormous difference in my life

but most of those named most of us admitted we were alcoholics things change

the next thing you do is you raised in your consciousness no longer out of the garage it is in front of

what you can see and be with you can't manage what you can't see I'm happy with managers you

what I could not be with my alcoholism if managed me

once I could admit my alcoholism and raised in my consciousness and was in my catches attention I can start to deal with and manage

my recovery

with help

then I direct my wheels like I do in the third step

transaction

goal that I have of not drinking towards the goal that I have a increase in my spiritual contact my growth

now when you do those three things you have your put in place the beginning steps of change and improvement

tell your name much

you tell the truth you know I want to increase my conscious contact with the god of my understanding

your raisin in your consciousness reported up above the table so it's not under the table out of sight and then you direct your attention and intention

George which is what we do and all the things that we do in the program

just kind of direction your will charge

and when you do that you start to them have that when the trucks in the book

page ninety two ninety three but that that second stops about have being the contact with god but we have to start to have ways of knowing that into that into that sort of thing not just the mind servicing

that we start to have a sense of knowing this beyond the mine

and when you do that what most of us are looking for you know if if you look at someone so what do you want should I wanna be happy

I like a distinction that a man a well known author today should just recently

the author of the book that

we're talking about

and he said happiness is dependent upon your perception that the circumstances in your life for positive

but joy and peace are not contingent upon your perception that the circumstances in your life are positive you can have joy and peace

regardless of the circumstances in your life

you can have joy and peace regardless of any other person in your life that is available to you at all times

those are not contingent upon circumstances happiness

is often the way we live the way we use the word happiness I finish

so without knowing that a lot of us don't pay much attention to our spiritual condition and our spiritual practice

in order to maintain our recovery you need a practice

you need to practice a meeting if you need to practice a sponsor you need to practice a sponsor news need a practice of reading the book but you need to practice of increasing your conscious contact with god praying only for the knowledge of his will for us the power to carry that out

meditation

this is one of the most profound way is that one of that we can maintain our spiritual condition

it often is difficult with those of us who have very busy minds

I have I had an on again off again relationship with meditation for thirty years

I've got church radio well innovators rides I have not done an adventurous right until

what's the last three years I have had a very steady especially maybe the last five years of every study practice of meditation

I think more of us would meditate if we have less if we had a little bit more information about the process and one when I'm talking about meditation I'm talking about sitting in a chair much like that I have questions and I have a special room that I sometimes do whatever most of the time I'm just seated in a chair with the straight facts with my feet flat on the floor with my spine straight up and down with my hands on the I'm on the top of my size

I close my eyes some people do not close your eyes

I

and the thing that I hold my attention I was my brother

I watch I I pay attention to my outbreaks now there are

literally hundreds of books on meditation how to meditate there are tapes about how to do this it is not complicated a lot of friends of mine have gone to TM have paid someone to instruct them I think that that's great I think it's fine there

their practices of meditation I use my interest but I'm telling you that the very first thing you will find out when you try to meditate

is how busy your mind

because most of us feel the process of meditation is to quiet your mind

I'll tell you baby that is like a durable track there is some going through that is like a Grand Central station trains going through that in every different direction every second of the day

it is a

and I think were under the illusion that we can control our thinking

where is the illusion that we think and I think

that it controls us

okay

because if you control it

turn it off

and if you don't if you have tried to meditate you can't turn it off

okay what about what you can do is attach yourself from as a friend of mine said this like meditating in a river you sink to the bottom you grab a hold of the weeds and you let the boats go by

you do not have to get on every train that goes to the station you can not there like clouds in the sky and let them go by you do not have to interact with them but most of us do every once in a while one's got velcro and grabs it should work

you know office in Nassau okay

but what meditation allows me to do

rather than just quiet my mind with my mind has become

more quiet over the period of time is I'm actually able to see how noise in my mind is I'm actually able to see my mind and be somewhat detached from my mind

I I can't tell you that I was a guy

when I thought it I did it

okay it was printed on my eyeball there was that was my reality the thought came out it was my ria it never occurred to me that it wasn't accurate then it might be seen it wrong

I just thought it was my gift from the universe that was I had to go with me

well when every idea you have is printed on your eyeball not your reality there is no choice

but now what happens to me is I get the thought comes in it's out here

I get to look at it and I get to say holy cow I haven't had the admin that nuts in quite awhile okay

but I just thought reaction stop reaction thought reaction I was marking on the string you put a quarter million push B. five I played these five

okay

but now when you put a quarter in man you push me five I get to choose whether I'm gonna play these five

that's like being let out of jail I have a gap

between the thought in my actions

and in that gap I am a human being

I don't think I have that gap for the first fifteen years of my recovery

I have thought most of my life like I am holding back a team of about six horses

and not all that successfully

it's just you know that's just the way it was

and today

I feel like it's down to three

and I'd like to get down or I don't feel like I'm holding anything back but I still do feel like I'm holding back for yours

and

it isn't perfect today it's just quieter today is more peaceful today I must I must be devils today meditation is one of the biggest pieces of that

if I you know if I can encourage any of you to start the practice of meditation I think you will be greatly benefited as our program supports and reflection you have anything you want to talk about the

I got a lot of stuff going on this stuff costs

yeah

having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps to try to care this much a draw college and the practices principles in all our affairs

okay

show what is the process we have a spiritual awakening a result of the work we've done in the preceding stops

and I'll tell ya I've just said those words hundreds of times over the last number of years and it's only been the last ten years were really paid attention to the fact that it's telling me that I'm more awake

if you want to know how the girls happens in the program I believe it doesn't by waking us up

I believe that when I struck my children I did it when I was asleep

I'm responsible to please don't hear that I don't but I don't but I'm not responsible I was responsible for but I believe I was walking in my sleep I wish when you wake up you don't do things like that

you know Chuck chamberlain one of the great men of our coalition on a much

is is going to have quite a number of years on the west coast I remember him looking at me one time he said the man on the street committing grave crimes right now is doing the best she knows according to his own life

and he has more life he will do better

so what we do in a as as we get more light as as we become more conscious

as we become more aware

now all of us know people that are just flicks are unconscious they just they walk in a room and they just like there's no I tell the guys a sponsor your shoes are shadows out there those are people

I mean it's like there's no one else there okay

and then that's how self centered many of us are you know I don't have much time well just just talk about me you know me we just it means it is we are just obsessed with ourselves we cannot literally and and everybody else is just a player in our drama we only see other people as they are reflected

in related to watch

as we take the steps as we do this work as we inventory as we become more honest as you know as the picture as our picture of reality becomes more realistic

we become more awake

when you become more awake

you then start to have a choice about what you do and what you put in your life

when you're completely asleep there is no choice it doesn't you you're marking on a string

that's just all there is

when you're surrounded

what you have done is you have now subordinated your ego if it's a true Selander surrender your ego collapses it's not there it's not home

when your ego collapses yours teachable as you've ever been in your life you are like a open slate people can write out it is just your your clearing

for learning it is one of the what we talk about that like the honeymoon in a

it is one of the best periods of tests like that early process of falling in love your ego just collapses and you just you just melt into each other that's no that's erotic it does not last

it is just for the propagation of humanity in all reality returns in a relatively short period of time

as it does with our collapse over you go when a okay

what if we have a program if we have a practitioner's enough humility in the way we practice that your ego can state as a junior partner

you're never gonna get rid of your ego that's your space so you gotta have your space to to take the trip you can't take the trip trip

without your special

but it could be junior partner your god centeredness and your intuition not your intellect your intuition can be the guiding forces of your life and that connection to your higher power so having had a spiritual awakening

so as a result of taking the steps we are now

more awake and more conscious as a result of being more aware and more conscious we live our lives

in a elevated way compared to how we lived our lives before

and for those of us that have in summer ten or fifteen years

we know that we're more aware of that we were only for three years so

and that every year maybe not every year but over a period of time incrementally

we gain if we're doing some work incrementally we gain awareness

that's a spiritual awakening it is very cool it is very profound it is the source of everything that you do that's how you change you don't change by resistance to change by waking up

you wake up by doing the work

and the work is described in our book

and the workers we when we are in a community of people who support us doing the work

sometimes we're in very nice to each other but almost always we want each other to do well in our recovery

I think that that is an extraordinary thing to have available to each other that we're in a village they were in a community

the running community where we want each other to do well in our recovery

almost never do you ever hear anybody say I hope that person gets struck once in awhile you might

you're the most of us don't feel that way we don't want that we might even be man of someone we would never want to we want

we want good for each other that's a wonderful thing to have available to us on that we have that in our meetings and in our community and it's a treasure

so having had a spiritual awakening resolve these tests we practice these principles and so we try to hear the message other alcoholics

it is

the opportunity to hear the message other alcoholics is one of the greatest opportunities that we have

sponsorship and doing twelve step work is as good as it gets

one of the reasons that my program such as it is is run in places that I sponsored people and and when you sponsor people they keep you honest

in order to tell them to read the book you have to read the book

Virginia tell them to go to meetings you have to go to meetings

in order to tell them how they should treat their children your street your children better

so what happens to you is that in a in a phony way you start improving so that you can tell the people you're working with to do the correct thing because you don't want to tell them to do what you can do it

so I mean and that's the way it is always worth it it is just it is just the best it is it is M. and all and almost always you're getting conversations to help people you get people to come to you that you have a conversation with them that you need to have with yourself

okay one of the great wonders is that you're on a call stop caller you're working with this fancy and all of a sudden something comes through your mouth

that is pretty profound absolutely right on and you never knew it until the moment you start

and you came through you not from

and you get to have that experience in just

it is you just go wow

you know

very cool

and it is very cold because at that moment you weren't there

at that moment the universe came through you at that moment god went right through you to the other person that you were there and you weren't the best times of your life you're not there

and that stops the moment you are aware of what happened

that moment close

and becomes unconscious

our tradition of carrying our message to the practitioner calling our tradition of sharing our experience strength and hope another ideology matters psychology not a sinking but our experience

is the bedrock

of our fellowship

I don't know of a place that we could go that you can find the combination of spirituality and practicality and accessibility there are places that have spirituality

but there is not as accessible to me as it is in a you can almost touch it in a

you on a regular basis get to see miracles to get on a regular basis you get to see transformations not just improvements you get to see transformations I mean you just have to run a docking go to Damascus to see what you can seen regularly in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings

show

and all you have to do in those types of work share your story share your life help someone befriend someone

sometimes this is the speakers are coming back to your sponsor twenty or thirty years many many people it is not for everybody to sponsor a lot of people but it would be nice if everybody has a chance to sponsor one or two

okay that didn't grab a newcomer who we know is no one doesn't know many people and just buy a Cup of coffee

and if you do that over a period of time you'll