Steps 10, 11, and 12 at the Carry THIS Message Group in West Orange, NJ

I would now like to introduce our guest speaker for the month James opened over and he was speaking out that's ten eleven twelve

even everybody have a great welcome my name is James okay give unemployed got fly me another day clean and sober

it's always good to be in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous pressure free anything like I am

because I usually like to say I'm a hopeless drug

I sat down to five help

so don't get excited I may appear a little somber to you but I'll live it up sooner or later I think

A. as a way of doing that to me

I believe up to this point

ride

two is playing that

found out that I had a bodily and mental problems

which put me in a dilemma to needing a power greater than myself to turn my will my life over to

I recognize that I had to make a search of Phyllis more liver Tory about whole life I was living so that I can get all the hardware building the new one

out out that I needed to get some obstacles out of the way and come to find out that I couldn't do it by myself so I had to humbly ask god to help me to remove it I've come to realize that I had to be willing not only just to look at the stuff in my four step list that I needed to take care but there was some people that I had to become willing to make right with that was around some of those people too the card is aimed at my list a little bit

I had at least become willing to do that and then I had to make some direct me into some of the stuff that I found out of five when I sat across the table from the man who helped me to see the other half of the truth that I didn't see

and now I'm standing at the point now where I'm starting to get some results because I was willing to do just about everything I can imagine that victory over alcohol

and as a god's grace even for J. not to have found it necessary to drink since June eleventh nineteen ninety full that big do we still be lost to one of the one only for my call how powerful my call got

so that's the shield of mastering

so now face that that test that that that ten area of of of of of my work now and for a long time I used to sit in meetings and I used to always listen to people talk about the tenth that like it was to go to bed that

and then I used to wonder why I used to have so much turmoil in my sleep

now if you think I'm kidding maybe you can relate to this

remember your active drinking

remember being in the sub conscious state some of us like to call the sleep

and find yourself popping up on your sleep in the middle of the night with sweat beading over your brow your hands real clammy and then you reached out of the bed for it

thank you cracked the top you take a hit

there you go

well I've come to realize if I do what the book says

and I am prompt about trying to make right new mistakes as they crop up I tend to do like it says in the in the commentary to sleep on the couch

I don't wrestle as much with myself when I'm sleeping at night

now we all got stuff you know but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff you know I I came today to learn to live life so there's gonna be some days where you know like right now I'm in the middle of doing a roof

so on a rainy night you know my eyes can

you know what I mean listening for drips when I'm not talking about that kind of stuff I'm talking about the kind of stuff that had to do with my selfishness my dishonesty my resentment about fear

and these are the things that I must ask god to remove from me at once so no wonder he he he collaborated this step for me it said propped

you know I know when I did something wrong to you and I kind of was leading up to that last week and I want to take a time out to tell you all that last week

in a moment inspiration I decided to come clean or some things that I normally wouldn't talk about a meeting because I have a tendency to feel real comfortable that that you know I haven't done anything to anybody that that the statue of limitations has not subsided you know what I mean I haven't her I don't believe that I ever took a life of another human being I said I didn't want to but I did

so I want to clear that up which and that was not to present myself as a guerrilla killer of any kind

the truth of the matter is is that like day I could not take an inventory of myself because I did not look

the vital six it wasn't there

that I kind of have now most of us who have done this process know what I mean by the Bible's expect

you know I've been telling this guy over here how much I didn't like that guy in the media

now see the guy coming across the room and I know I could feel inside that I'm going to behave in a manner there's going to be unacceptable

I already know it

but am I going to I am I'm gonna listen to that vital six that's still and quiet voice in my head this is now you know how to behave

so when he comes up to shake my hand I want to get a little jealous

but then wonder then wonder a day later a week later when I run into him again why I feel so uncomfortable in his presence you know the commentary is not a big thing I like to talk about the commentary did give me some insight a little thing that I will read out the big book of accomplished there the commentary told me it said that the reason that I will fall into certain areas like that is I could not recognize that you too will go with the growing pains

it was just like you said in a big book back and pay sixty four sixty six when we were looking at our inventory that he was right when he said we have seen others is wrong this but that is about as far as we weigh

you know what I mean and then I clambered for victory you know I look for the way to to win the battle and just like you said it was short lived you know there I was walking away now because now the spiritual lifestyle

the spiritual theory I am trying to live and I can't be what I was and also live this thing that is not a theory

because I come to realize now that there is not just an idea in my head that I can that this young man this man who went through what you heard I went through is now trying to walk a lot and walk of life that is trying to be at that maximum benefit to my fellow man about to create a we've got what what god has given to me up to this point it may not be much to some but it may be the only thing that another drought will have in that moment with me and him that god took this thing that was considered a waste that made it to get to somebody else

so the the sort of spiritual life is not a theory

so here I am best at ten in the one thing that we always love to hear it I love this actually more Rhonda thrown around in the don't drink to go to meetings meetings

is that how do you maintain growth

you mean to tell me you want to know is growing

but you want to maintain

so I'm going to tell you I'm going to go I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a do a light confession to you as soon as you start telling me that I'm able to achieve a certain spiritual place I tell you I'm working on it

that's how I maintain me not having to look at this part of the inventory lasted yet I was selfish with this person

so I'm just gonna I'm just going to say you know I'm sorry right now you know

what I really know that I might need to go deeper than that and ask them what can I do to make it right they were the ones that was offended at what will it take for us to be in harmony again you know I don't want to sometimes go to that date so I'll maintain that area you see I'm going to take care of it but it tells me that when I'm having difficulty like that at all I simply had to do was say not my will but I will be done and the founders said to me that this was the proper use of the will meaning that once once thought to this this this this ongoing attitude about an inventory the same one that you told me way back in that hole that he told me to use to get me to this point now he told me I could use it on a day to day basis I can use my inventory as my walk around

I can process something now a lot quicker than I could prior to Alcoholics Anonymous before I did not know how to stop in the middle of my day and take one sheet of paper a piece of scrap at a crayon

I make four columns and go oops

and cut right back around like today I'm a little quicker than that I can set my headset

the name

I believe that this is what caused it

I'm affected like this

yeah I did do that

excuse me can I talk to you man

I don't like the fact that in one moment I wanted to strangle you

and the next moment I'm standing there knowing that we're all

so I had to say not my will that will be done the same way my higher power is that if it's possible that there's been a Cup because what he had to do he did feel like doing but then he recognizes that nevertheless not my will that will be done and today I got a high powered by which I could believe

now I realize that and and I'm in this in this place where I don't know how to go any further than that

and then it tells me that I got more action to do

so then I go to sleep with that kind of inspiration in me from this step walk around that where I'm trying to watch my step and I'm trying to

to be somewhat on a spiritual point contingent

all the way I want to be conditioned

how well do I want to be condition I mean I don't know about you if I got some badly soiled clothes I don't just want you to rental

I think I need to be a little third

I'm I have to scrub a little bit of work at

you know what I mean and that's what got me at this point now this while I'm at it like you now looking at step eleven at night and stuff for them to tell me I'm not going to always be inspired to do these things

and then he tells me that god gave me brains how I should use them and then he actually told me how to wake up in the morning

he told me to get rid of the self seeking motors and stuff like that to wake up with something on my mind other than me

you know but then also he's you know I believe that that that that was going on here is I kind of have an idea will build and lead me and no wonder is really easy for people to stop thinking that ten eleven and twelve is making is that

I don't want to continue to maintain something that I know could be brighter more beautiful as long as I'm willing to continue to do it again

so I believe in cycle the steps I believe that what I heard mania all of experience eight eight people who have applied this principle to the live talk about what I really would like to be able to to one day be able to honestly confessed to you is that I am now living in a place of emotional stability as spiritual maturity

that's what I want to be one day that's my goal in there yet my goal today is not to be the greatest copper speaker of all time

it is not

my goal is to be able to wake up in the morning and know that my god Love Me enough

not to allow me to find it necessary to pick up a drink that could all not only destroyed me but destroyed my relationship with my woman my kids my friends with you guys my employer

and that vision that y'all said that was for me I'm no longer had

I no longer see that your suggestions are going to work for me

because John not inspiring me like you used to stop putting all this responsibility all other human beings what is told to me a long time ago way back in the beginning that I can no longer place my dependency upon things you and now he's telling me when this top Boston decision that all I got to really do is hang in their trust and listen for god's will and if I listen close enough I will always god will will always be a supposedly and therefore it would only do one thing and one thing only to improve me consciously what my connection to my god

it will guarantee anybody ever tried

and the first thing he tell you he said let's see what is let's see what these religious people were right

okay now Microsoft a few eight people well let's take a look at the way right he wanted people to go through the same things that I used to go through

they used to have holes in the in the middle of foreclosure

they sat families almost near separation but there they were

in this in a meeting place

asking a power greater than themselves to restore the

and they were patient they were hard working and they were caring for the guy next door who was going through his stuff as soon as later god will of god even if he liked it or not

this year will prove me right there

because the my whole problem was way back like it says that three I was running around trying to play god all my circumstances and situations so if I'm still running around trying to play god in all my circumstances situation I'm not really improving my conscious contact with god is on the stand

absolutely not so now I understand that you know these things that my father was teaching me to not only teach me was showing me to do I no longer could tell you I didn't want to do it so if I look back if that kid they told me that love and tolerance was out cold Dr Bob if we wanted to speak to that he said he said that everybody in this room knows what love and services

I don't remember when I heard you say that was like whoa you know yeah I kind of do you know what I mean no matter when I was at that day when he said that I do understand what you mean that we all know what level of services I clambered all my life looking for love and looking to be served and there was times that people in my life it showed me what love was and it was time that people had served me so I knew what it was

but I was almost running around here the father being capable of ever given

and if something wrong with that I'm over here somebody one time say you know how can you ask for something that you are willing to give

you know what I mean and I understand what he meant by that call the principal back there and it was always these kind of like the opposite were set those kind of moral psychology that always seem far from me so no wonder prayer was necessary for me no wonder I needed a petition I needed to speak before god to god why am I constantly walking around here thinking that just because my fiance said to me no that I need to go out here and take a drink so I could tell her why

you know what I mean why is it that the boss told me things are slow right now and I need to lay you off that now want to burn down the factory

you see that I could not present the things of god to god help me to see what I need to see it the man simply said he did all he could do for me up to this point and most bosses who are badly we all had said this to me said James

I'm sorry to have to announce to you that

all things are slow here at the factory right now we're going to have to lay off a few people

and the first thought my mind was

may

and then I wanted to turn

what my finger at people who I thought

deserve to be laid off of it to me

not realizing that up to this point they got it provided for me what do you have provided for me up to that point and that now the inspiration that I came in to work with every day now seems to be gone

it seems to have been gone

so again here it is in the big book that I'm learning these things and now I'm at the point where I'm thinking all may how do you how do you how do you meditate

I know much about meditation I remember walking past churches YCC creatures sitting on chairs at the Senate you walk by like at eleven o'clock in the morning and then you come back body around one o'clock in the still sitting there

did seem like he moved much delay like the expression on his face change what they look like no I don't see anything blowing around the more any fireworks or anything but I seen a man that had a look upon his face as if you he was hearing something

and I kind of have those moments that I promise you will wish to let you know while coming from about two years ago I would I had just gotten one I've been at my old my job that I'm at now for about a year

and I had never had a job that that that compensated me for my labor like this one all gave me the opportunity to to express you know my my ability for whatever it was worth

and I'm now having some changes happened to me now thought to be able to buy other people the sandwich

and a Cup of coffee I am now able to kind of like you know slide a brother twenty when you need one you know and and and I'm realizing that I was on the other end of that not too long ago

and I'm driving to work early in the morning

I mean this early

like six thirty in the morning and and and and I would like to say that my charismatic magnetism and all that stuff listen to the gospel that I like to listen to played a part in it but that wasn't it because I have for the first time really experience what it's like to tap into

the other unlimited low

and at that moment whatever god would ask for me I'll be willing to give

and I never I like a thing of I said I would like to be able to feel like that every day

and as I'm driving the car I'm I'm listening to my heart

and all of a sudden I had to pull over on the side of the road and tears of joy just ran down my face

for the first time in my life I have felt value without a woman given herself to me

also Cadillac

or some you know procedure some honor I was given a something like that just with the sheer moment of knowing that god was with me I had to pull over because I was unable to drive and all I could do was hold my hands in my lap and cry

that's kind of hard to tell you guys this is basically be a six foot two two hundred thirty five pounds you know I'm sorry I thought this breath moments like that you know what I mean and to have that kind of stuff in the twenty point that that made me the most is that I was in one of those places where that normally happens to me you know one place with a quiet rock in the background you know what I mean an amazing creatures you knowing that you've done the motions to kick in and I get that moment of inspiration and the joys of my higher power picking them all to go wide open and I'm crying because I feel the convictions of the world laying down on the night talking about that I'm talking about the kind of inspiration that told me that my sobriety was all worth it

regardless of how you value to it but at that moment

everything that was given to me make something

and nothing at that moment I felt like that now head media I guess we can call them spiritual experiences in this that the other

it was gold kind of moments that lead me into chapter seven because without that kind of

we have been in

driven joy from inside it is hard to go to a man who smelled like Bourbon

you call over a

thank you my call

I'm appalled that women

I'll take ya heard

it is hard

out side of having that kind of contact with god

they have a man who smell like Bourbon

you call over

and urine is bridges and you put him in your car

I can't do that today

any other time

I look

and I don't know where that come from but I know that because I was able to do that just like it says in that paragraph I did not miss the miracle

you don't miss it

even if that guy asked you to be a sponsor or not

you won't miss that miracle happened right before your eyes

I was the guy

the old time is used to look at and say come to me when you get series

because I will come here for a short period of time to go back out

just keep coming and the call back out until finally a man stepped into my life it understood the seventh chapter

he didn't call it a poke around in Prague in my life

you simply state is helpful to me as we possibly could you know now some people like those who don't like big book thumper said you know like the books and you know it opens it is booked all right away

well the point is if you read a little further it tells you talk to him the same way that you read about in a chapter about apple's

so therefore indirectly I'm going to talk about

because like I heard someone else said I did not come in here with this knowledge

so we all had the first carry a message to me

and then that message is what gave me that experience that morning when I finally packed in the guide to meditation because I used to always try to practice meditation

you know I'll always knew how to do devotion be enough of man of Judeo Christian practices the allergies

I always knew I'd have to look devotion that would lead me into a meditative thought of the the reason the ideas and the concepts by which this word of god is trying to inspire us and I would meditate upon that but just to be riding down the street

at B. meditate about the goodness that I heard somebody mention like me personally I heard old Thomas it doesn't come

I didn't get what I deserve

I've never been a this past ten years almost ten years have not gotten what I deserve

because the father gotten what I deserve I wouldn't be here tonight

so the mercy

and the forgiveness that my god has given me I tried to see that in my self love this

now my stand up here sometimes and talk about things I see in this light like I said I'm not judging I'm just relaying the facts

you know what I mean and the point of what I mean by that is that step twelve is it is it is it is not like it used to be

and I don't mean to step on nobody's told but the truth of the matter is is that you know we like to kind of get rid of a little quicker than we there we used to be able to

we no longer have to sit

and there's a guy like we used to have the nurse

so I twelve that work is not as hard as as as as the one they might be

because the rehab and detox they take them in as frequent as they used to

interview with anything like I was there told me on the phone it was like been there and done that you know of and this last time around it was real hard for me to find a place that would take me in so I needed people that were willing to carry this message believe me I've I've been I was I was fourteen years coming around this room before I even got to this point what was even introduced to the process as outlined in a book

I suffer the paid a dear price for that and the reason that I'm telling people that if you knew if you struggle the reason I'm telling you that is because I don't wish that on nobody

to have to know that you know that that you could feel the way I felt that day I know that I put it aside for fourteen years out of that yes I did this year in the bill would be to be willing

no more

no wonder Herbert Spencer said they could leave the within the state ever lasted eight north it almost did in my case I was content prior to investigation I would say it is a yeah man

my work in my work this person that person this stuff but

all right with all that

you know especially in the in the condition that I was there so it really took somebody with this brutal awakening who can see beyond my sickness in the yama nonsense behind my my state of ignorance this to just be willing to hang in there with me long enough because they were able to take that unlimited low the bad and he was a list of the time you want to yeah the whole thing

and that's it now the largest just give me that bit right

Hey

because somebody who is real intelligent what that what they told me take what I will leave the rest

that

oops

take what you want and leave the rest

there's things that I hear sometimes that scared me a role

stuff like this

I come to a a

because stop working

we think about that a minute

I'm not calling the agent stop work

I thought they could move were real good

and if you think I'm lying

there's a little spot down the street where I think they serve beverages which your dinner you walk in it is guaranteed one jobs with no to little beady eyes and if you ask the liabilities do a real good right about now

I will be going to be doing later

but I know that if he's anything like I am that elixir is working for him for the moment and I'm not here to play the boogie man about Booz

because the book don't tell me to talk about booze in a bad way it tell you the last couple of paragraphs of chapter seven if you approach the newcomer that way if I get a little ticked all

now the other thing like I did before you

in the parking lot

when you talk bad about alcohol

that's like talking about one of my girlfriends

I might not care much about

I might not even be with all of my favorite things about you do it

if you were a real alcoholic

the twelve step also in chapter seven tells you if you are now convinced that he is a real alcoholic and now it tells you how to present yourself

but up to that point it is not up to me to print out that anyone be called up all

because I know for a fact for myself this some people in here that eight real out all

maybe not here yeah listen to me I'll show some of the people that

it is double impunity bodies that they're going I'll really particularly care for this guy

and the reason that I'm saying that I learned way back in my step one reading in this inclusion that there was people who stumbled of found a way in here who could take it or leave it

they could take it or leave it

they may not tell us that in the discussion meeting but they'll show it to us about ninety days into the program

for the essay I'm coming back

if you're real after all that like I am you're terrified of the idea of allowing yourself to be misguided by that idea the first drink

and your coming here so you can hear the truth about alcoholism

apple is located in a beach up real good

the bulls Acadia dead if you're real hold

booms again it certainly got a hard drinker coming here yeah I know what talking about

he's the guy you know they said may physically and mentally imperil may even kill a few years before his car

or you might come in and say man that thirty W. out

that taught me a lesson

they they talk about taking my license for about ten years man and I'm a real alcohol is sitting there saying well I only know like the drop

it might be funny but that's the god's honest truth I drove around a long time without it we were going to be a movie full of life and it was driving drunk when I would never read

because I was too lazy to go out and read the book take the test get a life so what I did I told Joe

total Mara to go back on Monday

and I drove it around her license and everything

we

the cop pulled me over they would pick it meant I had to catch up

then a total call that's article get McCall

not knowing that I'm putting her in a worse the damnation of all

and then have the make that right really sucks

because I had to really do some things for her that I really didn't want to have to do

because I felt that you know she got paid you know

see how do you how do you help somebody like me

you know you gotta be really knowing the real cold of love and tolerance but there's some people that were real patient with James and you had to have had that not having one you can't be

in the wake of the why you work with James

because you need to be able to tap into it in a resource at any god given moment with me drunk also

you know I may be going through some sort of stuff in my life for it my personal relations or whatever and you tried to help Jayden low level went way way way way way way

the book even said that we should be careful going to mental spiritual matters for you know not how much you know

I had guys come up to me try to tell me about my apologies he also would slow it down but

this is brother here tell you meant that you know what you think about what the big both old thought that

you know what I mean because I'm probably one of those people that did not reject the idea of religious denominational ideologies of the allergy I have no problem with that I'm not presenting that to you either what I'm trying to talk to you about is the message the a program of action that went along with this I believe that I had that I got a result

because just like someone said earlier I had a whole lot of fate good move

I would like to take this out of the rolling stones you know what I mean I wasn't joking you know I mean this in store storefront preaching you know what I mean and talking about the next five minutes I go to church on Sunday morning what we all

about two o'clock we had little effect on the back

that's a shame that was a lot of internal pain

at this point now

I went to my first cycle

and now I'm walking around a whole lot

I've had a spiritual awakening

the real good that I had completed the cycle of steps and thought that I didn't need no more of an experience because I have people tell me that what number I have it on a

so now what was happened was I was introduced to stop some of the concepts of ours well some of the principles like a tradition the concept that it that that detail that I now take a different approach at the step of the way and about alcohol the staff had to work for me and a lot of different areas I'm not talking about those first three I'm talking about the inventory list that they help me to process a lot of different things in my life in it and it and I'm talking about how that helped me to be able to be work with the same way I work with others

I had to tell guys who I got came up to me and asked me to sponsor the who had for five years already and nobody never really introduced into the process how do you help a guy like that

you know he's coming up to you I had a guy I have more time to me one time but he won an experience with the big book how do I help it

say you know as a as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous always have my focus on the guy that came stumbling into the meat

at one time almost got put out of me one night when I said I got so upset about this list we always write what about dragon new drugs in it when we got to put this right

in the car and and an old timer got

well I want

you know I just got your retainer because that's what they were doing it was like they were sold we don't we won't most of us we spoke to members in the room and some of the dialog that was going on in this cold discussion meeting with practical everyday events that nobody was picking a spiritual approach to actually try to give advice on how to maneuver and manipulate people to work in a condition by which they will want to

and when you sober you kind of see if you go

but god forbid if you that person like one of us they say

I'm a short name James

sounds like fear

then after the meeting I wasn't talking about fear I'll just talk about the fact that I might not get the job

all right

that's where we go from

you know and and and and and you know but the message is needed

but the hardest place of all that I ever had to apply the stick with them all home

making it the Tories are all

because I gotta live with it

you know it's always easy to be properly you

because I I you know you may see me later

they see me all the time

yeah mama sometime with Bob is

sometimes I'm hesitant about this about

say it I'm sorry

sometimes I have to do that

sometimes I have to be just pop with her because I'm willing to be with him

but I figured Hey it's a give and take thank you know

but the truth of the matter is

I'm just sick puppy just try to get better

and I don't want to get so big in my own mind I gotta remember what my first sponsor California Helton told me

alcon said to me he said the day that you take

they you have the only message

is when you went back to sleep after being awakened

I'll never want to get them and

so I continue to seek out people like you know barefoot and change

few brothers like Mike in Philly all the kitchen the parking lot

we get excited and pumped up

and it's not that I'm a teachable or anything I'm just decided when the dialog stock

I was always one of those people could you gotta walk you know I wasn't one of those drugs that came in the room said

so full of the first ninety days yeah I was never I was never like that man and the people that told me that that I have sponsors who said that they couldn't read the book or they couldn't comprehend the book I will go by the house in the morning to pick them up for a meeting and then it was the kitchen table sipping coffee read the paper

I think you got him in the car you drive did you re when I told you to read

okay

you know you you like Clinton is there will your heart

I really like it because you know that the reason that he was willing to read the paper because that had an interest

and everyone was coming into me talking about I need a sponsor I need to go through the steps but I have no willingness to read the doctor's opinion but all the willingness of the world if you've got locked up last night