Steps 6, 7, 8, and 9 at the Carry THIS Message Group in West Orange, NJ

I would now like to introduce our guest speaker for the month

James L. from Dover and he'll be speaking on that's always the same six seven eight nine thank you

I believe that everybody all grateful dropped my name is James

I'll stand on the sidelines and I ran into frame barefoot build enough thought to come up and introduce myself as bear hit James

I didn't think that it would be you know take off as well but it's really good to see him I've seen him in awhile

I'm excited me although every time I come down here this is a neat deal because I see people like you know

up to this point

before I open my mouth

like Tom said because of god's grace

good spots should people like yourselves I haven't found necessary to drink since June eleventh nineteen ninety four for that I'm eternally grateful

and through many people I've learned through experience lately I've come to realize I can't take any credit you know and

that kind of a kind of bothers me sometimes

the

up to this point I believe

this is best as I could what information that was exposed to me over the past couple weeks I believe that I shared with y'all that I was so powerless over alcohol

that I couldn't manage it changed my whole mind

and I was forced to come to believe in the power greater than myself and they become willing to turn that my my will and my life over to that power to the point I was willing for the first time in my life to take a truthful look or search for the truth in my life so that I can come to somebody and tell them the exact nature

and last week I tried to tell y'all some of those hidden things I used to go on to my self consciousness that nobody could put their finger on a touch

and that's why I like towards the end of the one not really told Dan but somewhere in the middle of into action you will read where it talks about how we deceived ourselves by miss given misinformation to good men and women

like I brought up the fact of how we treat the cycle analyst when they were sitting there and it was saying

James

it was really hard on you how to treat you in the cattle

it might hit me motionless yeah

you're right

and they had to have to expose that to somebody who knows about function like that I was fourth with nothing else but to admit the exact nature

they hate the hidden the hidden thing that drove me to do what I was doing

now but now I'm at the point now where I've already went through that little experience would be that told me take I would tell myself reflect back on what I've done up to this point

and I'm calling you know reminiscing on it

getting that funny feeling like they know you know and only he knew at the time but I felt they knew

and and I'm realizing for the first time in my life I actually had a human moment

do you know what I mean like you know I I used to always be one of those guys you know like love love those movies of the cowboys are watching one this morning

you know you know how like you know they had that rough exterior well tough guy cowboy was talk to the other tough guy cowboy where he had a gun on him and and he said you should be scared he goes

I am

and I'm looking I'm looking for I'm looking for Truman what what what I was seeing was the same kind of experience I was having with response to what I was talking about the terrible things I was doing he was gone yeah

yeah and I'm thinking you don't know that you don't get the ghost yeah you know it's kind of like that you know

and and and and I don't know about y'all but that gave me a human experience

but when I left him with fear would have normally kicked in

but what is it I felt like some kind of auch wie was built

for the first time in my life I could come in front of people like yourself or with an individual and exposed me to the point that is okay

but now I'm not quite okay with it because I I'm now looking at step six in the book

and now I got to do something funny all that I've never done before and that is to emphasize the willingness

to change the defective trains and the somehow tried to remove the obstacles that have been blocking me from having more of those kind of human experience

now the commentary is that twelve gave me a good a good

idea what it was I should be trying to work on like

if I lust do I wish to commit rape god knows I don't want to do nothing like that you know what I mean but yet if I'm lusting in my mind to the point that nobody knows and I'm stalking you

you know what I mean so so how do I remove the things that drove me to have more than one

I can barely L. one I don't want to do a full

remove those type of things well I don't know already exposed to to the sponsor you know what I mean but now what am I willing to do and it told me that willing this was one of the indispensable things in the top three things about that I must learn to apply on the day to day basis

in a set anything until I'm willing to accept I find for myself that the sentence is the byproduct of willingness

how many times have you seen it up all the come in the room is that set that I'm an alcoholic but show no willingness to stop drinking

so no wonder people want to tease us those of us big book enthusiast or not see that I don't think it would be a not CIA would hit low like that

you know

especially with the map we've done that and you know let me know

well I'm trying to go is is that they want to try to call six and seven hidden steps

but if you have honestly did five there's no way you can avoid them no matter how short we look in the book

because I know I got defective traits I know that fear shot through every aspect of my life

I knew that my self centeredness had me stepping on the told the people in the company kept hurting me without provocation I'll go back to the first illustration of what I had to be entirely ready to remove I told you as a young man by the

all the men in my past told me I had the so mild

so I felt I didn't do anything wrong if you did that right

so therefore maybe she will

and then I wondered why all the young girls got together as a team member don

coming in a room filled in shame fear I wonder what they're saying about me what do they think of me you know I'm I'm walking around like that

so can you understand why I became defective

because while managing about went to a job interview and one of you ladies with their

do I turn around at the door leave

probably

because I'm going to think as soon as you go in that man's office you're going to tell them just what I'm like

so I lived most of my life in those affected trees I can do I want to be you know such a a braggart you know to the point to where yeah look at me sideways upside you can make your day go against all

I don't want to be seen that way but I am going to still be human some people think I'm takin a yet I am not talking about me in a I don't drink

I want her to overtime in the meeting said this program muscles simply almost missed

and as soon as one of us get it which is considered somewhat defecting compared to the don't drink and go to means

and so you know I mean if they're not defective because I say that a work or it appears to you that I'm being cocky I'm not being cocky I'm doing exactly what happened to the man in in in in in the doctor's opinion this today was was brimming with confidence he was he was he was confident that this thing could work

so some of us are just like that I've always been allowed now playing the person

so but that's one of the glaring defect that everybody in this room who ever had any personal contact with me know that I'm excited about a loud about it sometimes it notches and I will hold you hostage even if you're a volunteer not

I'm not going to walk around I'm defective because I want to talk about A. as much as I talk about don't

and without a I might not have no doubt

so I'm not going to you know like put eight to the side and say well you know let me let me take it a little low key for you why because I've done that most of my life now you tell me if this defective the not me let me just to make you better

that's active

so now let me share what come to realize that that theory works for me my horse that was done in the fall column like most

but most of my fiction several work came out of my third call

I given illustration

I had recently with my ex wife

here was one of the calls

she always had me spending my money

I was

that was the call to me like we have bills to pay but it always seemed like I was taking the deepest like he would dig in our pocket I'll call the doctor can you know

that kind of strain and stress on me now we were sharing the situation in the modern society most Thomas knows a two income household you know we raise our children trying to make ends meet and I'm trying to meet my responsibilities the best I can with what I head over exceeding myself and I'll become a reason

so when I got to my third column understood that my my self esteem was affected because I knew there was days I wanted to tell her look you know he's workbooks

but she needed that money for what she wanted so I would put all the work and now I will see you with a brand new pair of red wings and I'm pissed

so now here I was in the third column recognize that my self esteem was affected I recognize that I was full of fear that if I say no she may leave and all of these different kind of thing just like bill describes it in his third call I felt personal sexual relations coming up in me you know on the negative side like my personal relations without the man was it was hard for me to work two jobs and a half and they go up to somebody say a man on Sunday and I'm a man on a bar forty I guess you guys get to work all week H. working two jobs yeah you know about the slow short

you know or or or extend my credit card for the day they can go because I gave her all my cash so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything when I came in the door

I yeah with me

now I'm not going to stand here and tell you some surface stuff so if you could feel warm and fuzzy like I told you last week I didn't come in for that I came to tell you the truth the truth to set you free

the first is the issue all

my grandmother you say god don't like ugly you need to crazy about this pretty was the

and I'm a tell you the truth and now the reason I'm I'm spending a little time in sixty so that I can let you know why the importance of seven was for me to not hold back nothing

how can I possibly tell y'all I apply the seven step by hitting my knees and holding back nothing from god when I can expose the you

if I don't feel the love of god in my life enough

the after I exposed it to him that can expose it to you can't make it any different if I live about a mile

yeah with me so far

are you permission to go all so what happened was is now sixteen seven works in those affected areas

what I had to do was become entirely ready to tell her I don't agree with with the plan that you come up with and this is what I can do

this is what I can do up to the point to where two thirds seven eight what I have you could take and do whatever you want with it but from here back I need this to sustain what it is I'm trying to do and I could no longer let my fear keep me from doing that five years later we were divorced

sometimes I ain't always make things easy

because what happened was just like you told me in the family afterwards my family started feeling like they had a mortgage on

like I had a debt that was totally unplayable

I wasn't good enough I'm blessed enough to good enough to work at what I was trying to change so that my children somehow stayed in fellowship with me but she could no longer do it because it wasn't working for her like she wanted it to work she will go to Alamo

so there I am still trying to deal with my so called defects of character not always would like to use these lighthearted defects like for example everybody will know me who ever have a time to talk to me no I grew up in the urban environment I'll give you the short version that is the hood

okay and for a long time in the hood I would not leave the hood because I felt that it would take all this kind of money in order for me to get out of the hood because people say oh you got to be able to do this if you ain't got that in there what do you think you may have

that's all walking around thinking that the virus by which I have some pool was okay when I felt totally uncomfortable

so at some point what eight did for me is six and seven it taught me that I had some value because god showed me that yup they come up with that would you know if you can relate to this you probably like I

remember when you were take a drink of bulls and it will hit your belly and the next discretion they came out of you with you know I bet you any amount of money if you take online trump

all night show me about something is bothering you and hold back enough I bet any amount of money when you stand up the nexus pressure to come out to you is

yeah I need a miracle that we don't

because that happens to me when I found myself in a conflict with my fiance accomplished with my children a conflict at work or conflict with another brother or sister what I mean that turmoil

and I know I can't do nothing to change

so I see that my shortcomings have failed me in the past what was my show comes on the what I'll do

I already fell short yeah I know what I'll do already fell short because I had already learned back in page sixty eight also that I need to have my depends upon something that we can improve it and not something that was fine

and there I have confessed to the fact that term I will live my life over to the care god but I'm not willing to apply or like if they didn't begin the six up at six in the big book I wasn't emphasized the willingness

thank god you don't know I'm not gonna tell you any flow the stuff you know and you just let it go

I have my fiance here tonight and and I'm grateful that I have someone here who knows me

and I'm okay I've got not as true love my high positive man testifies for himself by himself his testimony is not valid

how do I live day program best of my ability

and what did I do that I don't do that you show up with a brag people what I'm trying to tell you if you know who else can do that for me my sponsor

you know what I can do that for me the people who I work side to side with well good brother like like Michael or barefoot or anybody who's active members of St James you want to participate with us and they let me practice my inevitable right to participate as an active member about false alarm so I needed to do to do that for a moment for me to let you know that I'm standing here trying to tell you to god's honest truth

I'm not here to you know a lot of you like I told you last week I'm not gonna lie tonight I'm not gonna play games on the Gold lolly gag and now the reason that I did that is now you understand why I had to become absolutely willing to make a list

while I was forced into a position to go back a step for step a lot of people sometimes misinterpret certain things bill said you already have the list

now I want to ask you a question

how many people you think were affected around the people U. haul

hello

so I've got a list already

right here in front of me I can see oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah you know and I'm looking at but then I go to do

my ex wife whom I had a reason the way that I hold no particular means in all the areas by which I had problems in some places I didn't do anything to her but I couldn't see my sponsor revealed to me when I saw a real resentment and what I exaggerated one

I cannot tell you the truth if you look at step five in the commentary when I think commentary I mean twelve and twelve the cliff notes of the steps

okay no disrespect to the twelve and twelve in any all the bill tell you in the big book that the big twelve twelve is in an interpretive commentary it was never meant for me to use the application to give me some ideas of what I read the big book and how to better practice what I just read it so what does what I used at what bill pointed out to me well paid fifty eight after he told me a definition of humility will want to recognize what they could be and no one won't recognize who they are and what they could be with a better expression of the ability that I can show you that the definition you gave that's why I cringe at me and what people go I feel sometimes that I have not I have experienced humility but I don't know what it is

do you know I feel a sense of humility by by exposing myself to you

it's hard to do what we do when they

those of us who have the capacity to be honest

it's hard to come up here and expose your inner self to somebody especially a room full of people

so now I'm looking at step eight then this is another thing made me cringe when it comes to stepping up in those units that eight to twelve twelve meeting some house that night get caught up in the conversation

or somebody get wild to save well if you have a problem with the one you do wind and go back to the one you just did

I want to know about what you do here so bill gave me some some some insights more in the big book he gave me a lot of different things to look at he told me how to make personal like

relational

ideas of remains how to prepare for why it's necessary to put you on the list for example he gave me one what made it a friend thirty

you know what I mean a friend somebody you call a friend somebody you work with side by side and he taught me how to approach that in a proper way

in an improper way

so now I took that idea and put it into a personal relationship like with someone who you know share life with or good friend or or work in but you know because it was real person leave the people who I was regularly see it on a regular basis and I knew I could be Frank but I had to be careful to not lead with the spirit to change

just try to be a better person though I had some of the same characteristics that they always all my life but I wasn't light born in your wallet when you've got the truck

you didn't know that but I did and I thought to sit next to you with a little more confidence than normal and I wanted to leave a press the spiritual creature quickly to USA you know I found god and I will take out your wallet anymore

what to do

you know

well this is somebody that you bet they never knew about and now you think that it makes you more stand up more writers that you could expose it got you to block that night come to the room to go above may remove

that's fine if you want to do that whatever floats your boat but I found for me that those secret things what I got still there let god be god

I watched you change because I kept my mouth shut and just made different behaviors in myself that caused you to behave differently and build told me at some point there now that the confidence level between me and you have got better now I can just pulled myself without having to feel bad that you told me about myself

bill told you that in the in the in the now

he says in a step with the twelve and twelve he said that most of my garbage was hidden underneath the conscious so when I read that in the common area went back to the big book itself now understood what he meant when that know who they want to go running up to the judge

be safe because after being on the way out was for so long I couldn't wait to run up to just go yes I tons of child support

do with me you read

an old Tom gin they always told us get your **** off the cross has already been done

yeah I heard that will

I had no time to tell me that

to get off the cross is already been done

and I went over

global world

yeah me too it takes time for me to mature to a point where I'm ready

to be direct

yes I believe was that eight is all about preparation

they'll give you everything you need to know he tells you what to do in a personal relationship like being in partnership with a woman or man

why would I go and expose something to her if I was all by god's grace I met don is a bright

and I don't have any conduct today I don't think it's any ladies in here they can go to the other told all that did anything with them that I wasn't supposed to do

that's pretty good

two to one thousand

what I'm trying to say to you is that while we had bad behavior with one of the ladies in the in the house

and now I feel like it's time for me to be righteous

and not even think about what is going to do to her emotionally and going to supposed to her ill gotten behavior

and then have her say

I thought so

right after I take them the verbal possibly what's the next question I'm at

who wish

even though that third party had done no more than a ten day and then fall into a trap that my modem modem modem modem modem modem was about

I don't mean no disrespect to nobody again I'm just trying to be honest

I can't get comfortable

at her expense the book tells me that my purpose is to become of maximum benefit to have

so she can't make me be a maximum benefit to her I have to become willing enough not to create no harm to her anymore so that I thought they emphasized that changing me so they should never have to worry about one young lady's called out there James there

that might be funny it's funny now

but have you ever been in that situation really funny

it may give you a nice story to tell your buddies six months from now but what is going on I'll tell you the emotions that come out of it and guess what happened just like you said the twelve and twelve I've become cold for

what a

callous

my fear is kicking in and I think it's okay she might leave me so let me all all my money

she suffered

but I feel better

the coming year me raise my hand

it talks of spiritual about the levitate around the world

they had all say no right no checks which amount okay right

these are principles that you didn't see on the wall how do you save in the making of the slogans I've been here a slogans from the Kamakhya remember

my grandmother had a slogan

one time my grandmother told me my mother my mother she got my grandma I think you're going to tell my daughter I got Tuesday black pay taxes

well with low remaining

I'm on the mobile on the ground welcome to tell my mother she need a mom opens grandma retaliate we want her slogan my mind is my business

nice day in the slogans is a bad thing I'm just saying I've never read No Way Out worked with here the slogan we work which is never written

I never read

but there is a powerful stuff

and they may come in handy but if you use an unmanageable as I am

and like I told you all the while back in my power sharing when I was driving down the highway

bone dry soba three and a half years in total abstinence there wasn't a slogan I could come up with that could turn the car around

see I like god

matter of fact I like him as a friend and I love him because he's late mainly all I got in order to be what I need to be to her who is important and live in a household with me and my children our children and we try to raise a family as well as his team TTL

now I'm not going to compare love to anybody to see my mother spiritual bit says love they'll seek itself they don't pop itself up it'll make it so big you know what it is love is Joe loves god loves patient loves long suffering I was reading up I believe it was the the long version of serenity prayer and he wrote in there he says he says to Sapporo puts us on a pathway to peace

no wonder drugs love to sit in the meeting is set for the first time in my life I found some peace

because the only way you're going to find that piece you got to be ready to be direct

I don't know about job when I made certain demands is when I walked off from that man

L. a peace that surpasses all my understand

many times if you anything like I was would you like to steal stuff and you're walking past a store

you walking down say when I'm shopping stores see I used to do I had a better life in chemistry as well as alcoholism so we had a little thing was the call run this match no we've called booster cables you know like you know maybe go shopping we had no money but we say that a job because you need to get the money so we can go shopping what you're paying so what we have to do is run in the store to grab all full of stuff

that's some got caught in something I happen to be some of the ones that know that you called her and I'll I got sober

I will be walking down that strip

and I would walk company passed one store

what path the hot dog wagon with confidence and then I would see that store go like that you know what I mean hoping that nobody in that school would spot me and and and no wonder

I walking around through the like you know

I like the tees SA I was so tight that I cooked up a brick on the wall I mean you know I would just like every time I will come into the circumstances well I was about to be exposed for what I do because I'm walking around and not making it right now you owe me no disrespect I hear people taken great lengths for correction of amend

I got some I got some wrongs in my life that I could never fully made right

yeah can help me later on after the meeting tell me how to do this tell me how you go to a house

when you arrive in a call with three other men

you had a problem with their son

maybe this

okay

we'll step going to sneak a sophomore

say hello to your girl in you and your crew god let him know what's up

so you go home and get you

they say Roland what

okay I'm done getting the call

roll down that block real slow

you've got to

any friend of that because the lady about doing

the window go down

and your friends go

thank you holding your hand because they went pop pop pop guess what they want you to do

and if you don't go pop pop pop the turnaround of that single pop pop pop so you go

you don't know what happened

so you mean to tell me

in order for me to be a part of what ya got going on I got to go to that woman's house and go

I don't miss Johnson

I expect that chin out there like this here

and now it's just me trying to hear how sorry I am apologetic

because the I. pace partial price already because I had a lifestyle that was being conducive to a community of anytime

and the legal system

put me in jail for quite a while for that kind of behavior

but now wanted like a sick person to return back to that behavior but because of y'all I have made some of that a man's directly because now I'm a tax paying hardworking citizen and I don't own a gun yes I do

I want to live but the truth is I do have one

Amy do you

if you could find a call

I'm not saying that Charlton Heston you got to pull it from my dead cold air you can find it you keep it but the truth of the matter is that something I got to get better with not a lot of that's my mom a lot the mother knew about rate lock

and I tell ya you got me to do that the truth of the matter is I don't have it in my home anymore

save

because I I can't have it there

now I know some people might not feel that that might not be the last choice of saying guess what if you ain't got no right to cross my gate we got the right to search my house

I don't commit crimes I try not to

and that's why I got rid of the gun

you say

so what where where did that come from that came from the fear of me going

let's go fellas

I knew that wasn't right so I had to get it out of my house

we see the same

because I knew that the only way I can make that right is I can't go back to live in that way

save but I believe three things

I believe what people have said a long time ago you five tough guys and two placed

in jail and in the graveyard but guess what you should arrive a long enough you'll find a few of us were

and it was because of god's grace

and I'm okay nothing more than that but I chose not to live the way I used to live anymore there was a time in my life I mean kidnapping about shoes

and right now there's some people in this room that has seen me experienced people walking up to me in a a meetings and some of y'all even thought mattered to me back when I try to try to tell you about the big book

it will take me about just like this you don't know nothing

and then my old ways that would have been enough for me to say you know fellas

gotta have some business

just because you did it

this is not a joke

and it's not just about my drinking

I was a very sick man for a very very long time drunk and sober

there was a time I was more dangerous than my sobriety that I was in my drinking days

I will walk in these meetings knowing that I had unfinished business the brothers like gene brothers like a few of the men and women in the room who was there to change you all right going to punch that man in his face not to you know understand what he did to me

this is no joke I had a man in a one time shake my hand this is still having some problems with somebody who's treating me in a very bad manner and I wish you would talk to your project he shook my hand and said maybe this'll cultural indifference

right

how you ask yourself

how do I make that right

the gate

but it took a long time

James Hambro they worked

I couldn't just

let it go

you know why I couldn't just let it go

because like I told you I had a list when I went back in my pool I have some principles and institutions in my past that meant me home

this man representing

a picture of people who told me that I didn't even have the right to drink the same thought Lee was drinking from

hello job when I first started sharing that I was born February sixteenth nineteen sixty three and billing South Carolina

the last state to integrate schools

now coming up north here and I've got people thinking it's cool to have some prejudice

I was dating that she obviously I'm black

and my fiance is a European descended three

Hey guys walking around telling people where you don't run around with them in anyway

like I'm blessed day

yeah I wonder why I'm talking about this that's what made me reluctant to be direct

K. chassis which I did to me

what I need to make it right with them

the world holds me back

you went to what I would

what

I don't drink enough

you know you should be glad

but I did make some opinions

I told y'all in back in when I was share with my fifth how old

the back child support

how much nama

that's all I'm a gene may I broke

James Leviton was off me jeans to listen but I got to work for your monthly

other brothers around age who have worked hard in that game I put food on my table for me and my family

yeah I want to watch all the way out to

and I was sold

and just like I said in the in the seventh chapter this book the scene that I would do everything in my power to stay sober date or time and they supported me and helped me to be a better man and today I could do the same thing for somebody else I had some people come a mile so they help me a mild and I came up on the day's pay on this day's work

and I wouldn't know how to do that if good men and women in the room had not done that for me at a time when I needed them to do it rather than say just let it let it go

so I knew I owed something

so the book was right when he said this some wrong second level fully make right so I might have to do with the will that and sometimes in my case postponement was necessary I had to pull people knocking on the door saying I participated in a very valid at that may have I don't know what he did still to this day I don't but I know of that kind of stuff what can happen in the terror that it put in people because they happen to me

sitting in the living room and also

so I know what it puts in

but I don't know I don't know how I'm ever going to do that right so not all getting people called for god who doesn't talk about that

how do I know not to do that with the book told me to be what sensible tactful and considerate

never survival scrappy

because as god's child I can stand on my feet

all before no one

he said he gave me some time to talk about the promised

I just gave you a promise you insulted me and you still breathe