Steps 6, 7, 8 and 9 at the Carry This Message group in West Orange, NJ

I'd like to now introduce our guest speaker for the month of June I'm getting good at

he will be speaking on sixth seventh eighth and ninth and this is Greg

everybody I'm an alcoholic my name is Greg

like I think Greg was vegan you know he said

one little thing that reminded me of something you said that alcohol made made us do silly dangerous even criminal things and I was trying to paint a picture of these last couple weeks and I did those things will help helpful you know I mean so where is the fault line you know

in keeping with the format I know the program is done in sequence

it's designed to bring about a conclusion

and all that much I can tell you no group here but I'm staying in I don't mean I trying to figure out something happened when I do these things

I remember that I'm at the point now I did report separated the fifth step I don't feel one this with my fellows I mean I feel part of

I'm not that close to the guy I mean I'm a little bit closer related things I would normally do the reading the writing the praying I did those things the old ideas are starting to cast aside

and one thing I really I remember when I look at step six to have these things removed and stuff and I just really don't have to work too hard on this one because I have a ten step you know when I I know

when I'm wrong I'll admit it but I can keep on doing this one for a price I'll keep on doing the same things and later on I'll take care of

yeah

and in preparation again

doing my footsteps

I got a whole bunch of pamphlets

now from this group from that group from Hazleton from this place and that place and a and I said this last week so I really get confused about a lot of things

you know one thing I remember the Hazelden guide

was the sixteen seven steps

are the forgotten steps

and it stuck with me

and if you look in in our our program that's written in a book it's only two short paragraphs

only to show Paris

so it's easy like I said with a mindset like I got and you know we're looking at these things and

you think you're coming out of a you get an awakening and although I'm doing is I'm coming out of the loop

now I I don't I'm like moving into denial you know what I mean

and if you look at the word delusion alike and I had a look of a lot of words and I was fortunate enough somebody would and we had a college student and you can buy yourself a dictionary supplements so they can I just want to read some of these things

as we talk about in the early chapters gives awards illusion delusion insanity and all that other stuff and it says the illusion and Andalusian go together

now an illusion is a false impression based on wishful thinking

how many times about yeah wishful thinking if you're going to get better and that bad and all that stuff

and then you go to the Lucian

every first to a false belief held without reservation as a result of self deception

and that's what I've been doing all my life an alliance of myself believe in a land line to myself and believe in what I was doing there's nothing wrong with what I was doing nothing wrong at all and I went a little further because I know dictionaries are different

and so it began giving other definitions allusions something that deceives the eye or the mind in my case it was my mind something that he's make up this evening

I'm mistaken perception or belief

and delusion false beliefs a plus system for mental conception of the fax

as they really are

hello now

self deception the act of misleading

and the stronger of all those I just gave his delusion because it's usually associated with on

hello I'm doing to myself and believing that I'm not doing any harm to anybody else

I'm not just not so now I'm on the six seven looking at the thing that I'm out of the loop

yeah

I conclude my fact myself even to this day I did it to myself

what I've learned to

looking at this I can live with a lot of stuff

I live all my life for like guilty more she put any name you want on it

yeah the whole incident on other people you talk about being one to be someplace else you know the restlessness and irritability and discontentment unhappiness and we're just looking at all these things

I got all right with this

yeah I got cold like a callous I wore off people I got it right with this to force believed it

nobody knows anything I knew so much when I came in that wasn't true it had I had a hard time learning anything else no and when we look at this

I'm gonna read from here

I just all we now ready to like got removed from us all the things which we have omitted or objectionable now if you look back any for this alcoholic self centered in this extreme you know all those problems of his own making

they'll be usually doesn't think so I was still there

no easy doesn't think so even though I had that this that the the written form in front of me the fourth and the fifth step in and I I share these with another guy I still was not out of line

you know my my kid but but but you know we've done a lot when you walk in the room yeah bye

then I'll say you don't understand

different

and sometimes I'll even I'll use it in the cell center yeah but you don't understand I'm different now I mean

so I had to really I mean right off the bat you see something objectionable really deal which you know they're against a lawyer on will fuller against my beliefs you know right away they didn't know that there's no

get over the fact you know some of those things

now again I told you I had a big problem raised Catholic had a big problem got here had big reason hello no I mean no reason was I was really angry and proceeded to the things I want to do I was under the bridge because and then it was all my plates were because of him

how to be somebody there somebody else to blame there's no pants nobody knows nobody around have like somebody might well be god can seem anyway right he sent me to school so what they're trying to tell me in the six that

we get away from blaming and we get into a sentence

you start to get into acceptance except

my life

was the one on doing

you know I mean every fact that happened to me all my life was not like my fourth but in most cases the silliness the dangers that the criminalist I put myself in those positions because the water what the what I was gonna do we outweigh the consequences it's just a matter which I was gonna get that a point would get matter anymore

so now I'm here

thank god I hate these things for me

okay a lot of

no problem here

and I'd still be acting the same way you know this doing saying stupid things being confuse being this and

having your

not

well I

and something

we don't often talk about

is the basic intellectual life which I never knew about like in the outbox and honest my basic instinct

you know what I thought about myself when I think other people think about me my ambitions my goals my desires

as I said now my desires for the future if anybody messes with my pocketbook you know I mean in financial things and I didn't know these things so again here I am

I'm still my first year at a institution I'm still working a part time job I still have a driver's license I still can't get anything in my name no credit

when I got some work for me anything I found I was doing my first ever had the willingness

you know the politicians and had great you cannot run your own life

you know you can't do it

I think you can't you haven't done it let's put it that way so I'm looking at the state

and I I for a long time I never see this I never seen this if we still cling to something that will not let go we ask god to help us be willing

yeah and I was told I had the willingness but I also tell you had trouble bringing

now my my night my set was if I pray to god you know where I am

you know he'll know where I am now

I had to change a lot of old ideas you know we look at

my inventory we look at the columns

and the greatest thing I told you how my inventory what you wish animals but I've learned I started the process I've learned how to do it better I learned how to do a more thorough I learned how to be more honest and then they'll be more open as we go along more things come to my mind

but it's the same thing I have to keep looking forward to looking towards one of my dorm why are these things happening now and I found out people in situations will always affect me will always affect me no I don't I think I got god on my side or not something will always picking up the basic instincts always be affected in any situation

so now when I said in the first step we turned it over thirty seven I don't want my free will he gave me as a gift you don't want you don't you want my alcoholism but he is an alcoholic he doesn't need it just go about your business I have one this is your life you can go left you can go right you know I heard is that when the song by Mick Jagger this is a pre conference approved it

Mick Jagger sing the song he went to the deadly little Buddha and all the families G.

NGH a circus show this latest figure at his jump for joy makes a noise I remember what I said

so I had no concept of what god was teaching us but with the philosophies like weather was brutal weather is general there only to me I had no idea you know and here I am looking

I got a friend I don't know this is the god's honest truth at that point in my in the sequence I didn't know what I was going to because I want I didn't want to scrap metal HM and when I'm playing it though and sometimes today

I suffer still suffer from strange mental blank spots in the nobody gets to know me real well they'll they'll they'll know you know any line

and the thing is this today sixty seven step guide on willing

I'm ready

but yet he instincts come

eight hundred eight seven driven even today your my our forms of fear self pity self centeredness everything is self driven by me

I know right from wrong

I know Laura I know breaking laws and I could still do some

motions the fleeting

they wear off

and then I have a conscience

yeah

so the preparation for this and you read the twelve and twelve

it separates the men from the boys

on billing process two paragraphs in here

that's why I refer everyone that I sponsored

this is where you get the directions in a program that's written in the book information passed on from one person to another through the written word and that's what I try to pass on to my sponsor but I encourage them to read the twelve twelve with

bill with more families will more it is a Friday working with others knowing the human frailties the human personality any elaborate more on that it says out

read these things and handsome and makes a heck of a lot more sense

it's an on going process

no

T. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but that's next week sometimes he just walks

adjustable parameters stated in a meeting right my great

I'm not willing to sell all of the good and the bad

she I sat in the room the way for a long time when you get good

before we can do this work and I

the circumstances maybe try some different now

the willingness the pain of being a great enough

so god loves me longer than I had to get that concept you know he loves me when I put my hand out of the door over here whether I'm sticking somebody else was using

it's a great concept I couldn't get with

our

it's a great concept

take me going back

a lot of good means a lot of bad

founded by the host donated their scorecard

I pray they remove me every single defective character

I had no apparent direct

I really have a chance

so I'm just here I'm trying to bring myself back there if you knew or even today

I still want to head into this program even though I don't understand even though I don't have a loving caring god you know like first of all I got god on my side and I am so grateful to the people of this

hello I'm grateful to all my I want to get out and I want to shake up you know the one two three judge I out the door you know I got god now things are gonna be fine I didn't have that I didn't have a working phone

and it says here which stands in the way of my usefulness to your to my fellows now if we go back

and I have to look I was useless at everything I mean I drove myself to the under the ground I drove myself under the bridge I drove everybody that loved me away from me I always said leave me alone I know what I'm doing I'll be fine

eventually they left me alone

I don't know what I was doing and I wasn't fine

now so now on I will do what it uses I could have a relationship with anybody male cream I could have friends my best friend might from little league my best man at my wedding I almost killed him with a baseball bat because he borrowed some money and I wasn't there to give it to

he stole it from in other words

we got that okay I had a really loud right

right one of his parents house read his wife too I just wanna get my money back this has got to be tracked I could be useful anybody was all about me don't mess with my you know just don't mess with me

read me strength what we say is running as one of the opening

I opening things I got somebody gave me of so many practical I the full version of this or any threat

living one day at a time enjoy one moment time accepting accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

it is the way the card read at the time taking as you just did this sinful world as it is not as I would have been interesting he will make all things right away so the two is well I told you somebody give me a first opponent cornerstone agent who can tell the things that hit me and it doesn't or usefulness to you with my fellas

we all got that I'm showing you a lot how can I help anybody how can I be of service how can it be used anyway look at mail how can I do this now that's the strength I need my daily bread consist of what we need for that day at the food we consume what we needed to give me this day our daily bread give me what I need for the moment take away my defects of character for the moment then I can remove her lifetime and she I had that concept everybody comes in and warm while meeting in a meeting you know just doing these things and you have the facts and then you get the promise of an eighty three eighty four and your total you know everything

we give the wrong conception and especially to stick my like me I told them just get that illusion here I'm still and I'm still stuck with the wishful thinking

that's why we have sponsors

maybe you don't have it and you don't have a sponsor please get one

and another sponsor that's willing to encourage you to read this book response you can't do the work for you

get another sponsor

don't do this alone

that's why public service message

it goes on sale main purpose to defend ourselves

the people on this now somebody once told me

struggling to get closer to god I got it god you know thank god

you want to get closer to god it's close to his people

his will work to be done here's what it works out to be done

I just go with that concept just leave it at

and I told you I had trouble being in somebody else may have trouble being alone this is only when I'm around people now I mean

sometime today at

sometimes today I still do

I got a little cardiac

maybe you get a kick out of it I don't know this is the accepting steps six and seven the tools of change

got this in the tape

acceptance of the defective packaging shortcomings that were not removed is very difficult considering my immaturity my grandiosity

okay

now we talk about eighty nine

this is funny it says here I'm gonna read it because I like the way it is right that faith without works is dead let's look at that site nine we have a list of all the prices we have gone to home where Meg willing to make amends

we made a list when we took inventory

I threw it out

I remember

the list member we throw it out

right into an

I will try to give rest of your time

it says here we subject ourselves to drastic self appraisal and I was distressed because I could be at that time and I really wasn't that drastic it was just a thing that would keep that way get me at the time get me at the time get me at the time a lot of real things

a lot of things are left behind in an institution for thirty months they pounded me they pounded me a potted meat and they had to get to me I told you I was going to get let back I was gonna get

discharged because I wasn't participating verbally I wasn't communicating with him so when they finally got to me

they got to me I remember we had this thing I want to spend too much on the institution but I will anyway because I like the way I tell a story

we had what we called

we had what we call the patrol

now a probate is

we were up at eight o'clock normal business normal daily hours

and they decide

they're gonna pick a certain amount of people

we're going to go to like the rooms like a mafia used to deal with put tape over the windows we put mattresses on the floor and we would stay there

until they went through each and everyone of us

counselors music

no really gave us a break to eat I don't know how long we were there but you gotta remember we were up at six o'clock in the morning we went to the next day except you know and when you're tired

you have no defense

I have no defense I have to watch it even today but I work nights I have to get my sleep

looking forward to going into this room I really was I'm in a phase where I'm comfortable with myself Benny there about seven eight months I said a little prayer because I like to the institution when I got in about my past criminal dangerous silly things I did just to get in that it might get thrown out

and I said the lord please help me to be honest but don't let me tell this don't let me tell that don't don't let me tell this

I was curious as to how I wish your

we think they picked on first name were you thinking about the things you didn't want to tell

now

now

self breast at what I was saying is some of the stuff I left behind no one really burning hatred for my family my mother and father live through this fellowship I've grown in terms of understanding

I've come to know and love them

in the last couple years that I had with them

the first thirty eight thirty nine even forty years

driving force it was the root of my my problem is the the reason is we just piled up and they were they were really silly ones

a really so once again they were unrealistic expectations of what I think they should be doing for me it's what they should be doing for me

again read the twelve and twelve

now I have my own little place

the guy was living with we got a lease he moved he bought a house

I had to get a lease and I don't recall this I I need a room in a confined room me

at the time I was dating I was thirteen step by one of the women the fellowship and don't give me good you know use women's go that

I don't hear that

I tell you how the spiritual and good I was trying to be she said to me eventually we're gonna end up in that

and I said what are your motives what do you motives

I don't know what else to say now

what do we mean by that looking at the moment I'm married to a woman today

so he came up the idea of moving with a

now and the cell drastic you know

read the twelves well I'm looking at the screen and it says at one point I couldn't stay there anymore I was going to a point I had a bill but again I have nothing in my name I can't get nothing in my name

so the twelve steps that we should be winning from my parent's loner now that guilt is coming back I need help well yes yes my parents there wasn't much but I you know

what do I do when I know I can see the situation in Iraq I get out of my own for once in my life on the line

I'm torn between staying the guilt of leaving

the guilt of asking and now I'm still a hallmark to put out a card no guilt the gift that keeps on giving now

I'm doing all these things on drastic appraisals and I shouldn't be this I should be that

no I hiring a man you know all that other stuff

the first thing is yeah I got a dressing up role I got to be willing to come back today sometime maybe

I actually got the money I got my own place

finally got my license back he gave me her old car no more guilt I left the store give me a call

all the little kids stuff and sensitivity anything in my doing the right thing like is using her what are my motor what I'm my motives now

I got my own place and everybody remembers I used to hate to go home with the kids

now here I am I'm thirty nine years old I got a call independent

a point I hate to go into my own house and it was nobody else there

thirty something on the line I don't know it's a

our woman or child stuff and I don't really care no it's just the way I was at that time I had trouble being alone only when I'm with myself

at this point

I gotta become willing to do the things that I look past the weeding and this and that and this and that back and forth

and I said this and I'll say it again I'm going to a lot of staff meetings and one day the scorecard to me how I can find the me my dad never conversations it really wasn't any chemistry between is the only thing the what's new with my dad I was

may twenty came up with an idea of what I could say don't

dad I'm sorry were an **** all your life

and after I heard myself saying is that I know that ain't right

I know that Aaron this is supposed to be about me on his we bought my side of the street which is accumulated over my living on life itself well hello

I prayed again for the willingness

but I still put my forcefulness in because whenever wherever possible so I had a wherever possible day when my sister was going to be there my mother was going to be and my father was going to get this plan I don't know how many times we rehearsed it and we went over this we subtracted we dug back in

everything worked out the plan like a mother alone

on the system and it was nice and I talked to worked out

one

voice word came out of my mouth

well again the guilt and also how can I ever repay had put up on my crappy seventeen months of her not knowing where I was

you know the deterioration of all she should drive for me

I can say it now

I can say now

of exhausting survey and I can say and the only thing the conclusion I came to the only thing I could be a good sign

it's like every

do things I never did as a kid when she asked me to call I can call

I can't even call in here and ask me to I can let you know are you I could be a good time I could send her a Christmas card

not not because of this fellowship I'm thirty nine years old I never knew my sister's birthday

I learned my sister's birthday

in the car I don't forget to visit our call I can only be Gregory L. all those words and all the things I did want to say and

all my family wasn't like that I wasn't like that at the time you know the only thing I've learned to do with my dad

so my level

I've never heard those words I never told him all the years growing up

the last the last three years that

first reason was right last three years of his life of that with some of them every time I was working every time I hung up the phone

and not once

I want to say that

but I deleted

I know we did

he just couldn't do it just that I couldn't do certain things he just couldn't do it

you know

you get to talk afterwards with my sister and my mother was still around and

and other friends still

that new

you guys always brought me is always bragging about me

but I know in this you know

the guy

before I start the journey was a bomb

I need my mother's words this is where we get the point across and then I form my own opinion based on me

L.

he was a bomb

and I believe that

until I became a mom

apple tree but I am playing my dad never forced entry to my child he bought me a drink when I was twenty one years old and

what is limited pocketbook eating when you drink beer has many challenges

Mendel during via

the guy was brought in a guy like me even though I can never tell me this and he tried his best to immediate the same affliction and I have

you can even give excellent I was always amazed by that

and I believe I remember as a kid if you die you gonna start drinking on the street

the member destruction

yeah forty days a month I did my penance understanding and so he is

on the waste away and I remember the day he was in the hospital

was being in the semi died on December

I was gonna say seven

I know the date seventeenth

having trouble my god

and I was having him home is that you know he was going in and I didn't do what I want to tell and one of my big things was I didn't want to sit down to write a letter and stick it in his casket like I've heard other people in the fellowship deal so this thing is driving me and yet I still own the willing and I pray for Williams

now but one thing I learned about prayer is I gotta believe I have

the scientific way brain is what I asked for I I gotta believe I got an actress Courtney act as of right now and I do got it

now

I couldn't make it up my colleague broke

I postpone the couple days I started the journey with Michael about halfway up the block we had to turn around the circle

do you know who needs Kerr Peggy offered me the car and I can't make excuses and this and that so the day I just decided I was going to go up by the government take back he's gonna

I woke up about five twenty

simultaneously the phone rang

my was my love my Daddy died

so the first thing I did I sat down and wrote them a letter

saying the words on paper that I could take on file

and I didn't put it in the casket

and there was some healing yeah it was that

but I always striving for

it was all right you know it's not what I wanted to check out more it was all right and it's still all right to this day HM yeah I'm the one who told me put on a baseball bat

however once while I pick up a bag with a sock in it or something you know something soft I leave the battle when I did what I didn't do I cannot change and that's what they tell us in this fellowship yesterday's god going remember don't even remember eight

now

the only remember

my mother was a different story numbers got a cavity just like me should I put I hate to tell you what thanks you know so she was a little bit easier a little bit easier now really I'm

I'm not a community

I

I'm not a community of guy I don't I don't talk I'm only feeling I didn't talk about my feelings I what basically I didn't know what I was feeling now with mostly anger fear

so for me to sit down my mom

and then when I was thirty six years old

I'm still somewhat functional and my mother was still tell me how to get my hair cut like a dress since I'm on thirty six years old you know this is only gonna act like it

my mother no no my god this fellowship was like I was like five years sober and stuff and we were sitting down and talking **** to me his you know Greg pushing away story does she know him among

he has a batch of all the things you lost you miss your mind the most

it is vital those handicapped she loves me she loves me will a lot

no I send some people give impassable lane able meaning namely whatever I ask for the money even when I was out there

my mom believed what I was saying or she thought she was she wanted to believe that it was going to do these things I was going to do the right thing so she and a woman she was torn on whether we supposed to feel taking care of a kid

I don't

so so nice to have somebody sit down my mom and I was

the tele and I didn't like what but I get a nice this is what I don't like when you do these things

it makes me feel certainly

I really do have a message here and I got the ability to tell the whole family does

and she says okay I'll take a look at that

and she did and she got

she got a little sad it made me feel a little sad because somebody was pointing out something the hardest pointed out a long time ago but

this is my opinion

but I remember I got today I got the call on and this is about this is in the

early spring of ninety five and I know this because it's my mother's death date and stuff and

and at the same time I had a friend of my living in the house

Kevin got some late HIV and could no longer live in his family's house and we made a little green he was going to die at eight AM simultaneously at the same time my mom back president Kevin guy

but I my mom got rushed to the hospital

and she had everything she shouldn't smoke little lady and I told you all the nerves will

all the stuff that happened to you because of me being homeless and how she worried any anxiety and everything else it was it was taking a toll on she was up in the seventies and what was in the spring of speeding the process along so we got to the hospital and something delegate in the intelligence you just now one moment market as well

so I got to sit down and they were

emergency room last month look

if you gotta go

it's time to go it's okay

yeah no I but I worry about you are you gonna be alright you're so far away from family does now on down the freeway area

he's so far away from everybody this is my first time my life I'm gonna be alright and I know when we write

I see I even mention dean's name Christine met dean if you time this I got dean that Jack other buddies and stuff and

I said I'm gonna be alright

number nineteen and she goes with that I guess I can go now

he man he really is

he would last about five days and I I like to say I'm not afraid of dying

but I've never been face to face with death

until I see my mom and my other buddy my mom's warning it should be going on the respiratory whatever you call that resuscitation he don't want to have the respirator put on

adamant about it

but as soon as she could and grabbed her breast

and they opened up the long started to run along you know if you want you want to go so the fear that

don't talk to me about

so that was my little parting of the ways my mom

and long like I said I was

I was being assigned to

yeah I was being sent away and then the damn doctor took me my sister and he smoke

motor city in his

is your role model

your role model

I still smoke despite

I'm files of an exterior

somebody once said Minnesota should help point

grapevine representatives are you one of them manage

he is what's the problem

he turned you will you level the canton

he let me get away from this guy

well

and to this day I can't get his head is thought I still see sense

I remember early on Friday we

trying to quit cigarettes remember Braintree obsession to be listed as I'm lighting a cigarette I've been using our

going to work

yeah

I'm just pointing out that you know he's reading today and and and I'm gonna give you example I want you to please listen to what I say

because I want to go back you just want to say I don't have to do this this guy said this in and sometimes just praying for the willingness

eliminates a lot of things

for example of people cannot be seen

whether alive you can track them down and I remember I haven't seen my ex wife

a long time you know she left she only would discuss like some other speakers are saying my wife left because she had to leave

he even changed the voice lawyers because she didn't want to screw anyone nothing she took now we know all the clothes

she didn't take any furniture she don't want not on my insurance like I said