Sue D. from Yorba Linda, CA speaking in Victorville, CA

I am very grateful man many on on family groups today because I live an alcoholic

now I think yeah and the online committee for inviting me to participate

in this convention

and I want to commend you all on doing a great job

this feels like a convention is supposed to feel thank you very much

it seems to me that the focus is back on the program and its plan is just a by product of this way of life

and then

one of the best conventions of intensive in California long time

I woke up this morning went on with gratitude

number one last night

we had a great speaker John K. my husband sponsor

and then my husband invited me to go with him and I sponsored to dinner

and then

yeah for my husband want me to do something like that with him somewhere around a living so much sober

and I don't ever forget

eleven so the games are just in our home

and then I thought about all of her friends

all the people that are here this weekend the because can I absolutely did not have any experience with me that this program

he

the only way that I

nightly news to explain it is abundance

and Brandon said lagman independence of friends today because of this program without this program it all goes away

and although the way in the

and then she does enjoy John last night when he learned of my

he is so funny

we were brand new in the program in

I heard him talking to my husband

and then and I heard him say

if you keep on drinking will end up like me and I quit right away

but I love alcoholics in my life everybody moves around holiday

and then

I don't think there's any greater love than one alcoholic friend heather

can I see it around like this all the time

and it's a very special thing that I get to see in

I love it I love the loyalty that alcoholics after each other

the compassion and love lance region I love the loyalty and the compassion that Allen is not made a hand with my husband yeah Illinois is that way

it was kinda like I used to be very revengeful and I was like this lady she was gone shopping in Swindon hardware store and there was a study thing laying on the counter

NCSS dying and there's the clerk what is that he says there's a Burger

she's killing

he has now she says so cute online

he said no

he won't do anything that a woman tells it to do it

she said that I want

he said Melanie the element

he said that we want to make those bigger curtains and jumped up on the curtains ran it just ripped the curtain yes that's what I want he said it won't be like you say subtract so she gets bigger curtains

just sit there she was great I want

he said no why would you want he said look

you better carpet gets down on the carpet and disintegrates the carpet he said see there's only this one man says she goes on

he said why would you want them she goes you don't understand

my husband's a drunk and he does not pay attention to me at all

and I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna take them home and I'm going to set it up America

and he's now look at me and he's gonna say what is that

and she said I'm going to say it's a burger and he's gonna go burger my ****

this is a little bit the way I was before I got here

this is Allison and a bar

Anna this really doesn't describe me

and then

they're just mind our own business and this guy comes in and he walks in the

he looks at the bartender and he slapped her hundred dollar bill down on the counter and he said that

on a bottle of Jack Daniels and don't ever let it go dry

in the bartender said well looks like you're gonna hang on one hand on the ground

he said I am I just got out of prison

and this is where we find he said kill my license back and goes whoa we only takes up to delete the ballot Jack Daniels little girl looks at this guy and she goes down she said on the empty but I still next thing she goes so I hear you're single

and that's what happened to me

so but I mean day one in the day it's already been great

we had the

morning meditation

and second guess eastern this fine thank you

the nineteen year round we had about fifty ladies in there

the morning meditation together and then the big businesses aspirin can join you

related

and then afterwards one of the ladies I sponsor since what I need for you to talk to me and my sponsor a because if somebody didn't talk to us I'm gonna killer

no problem

and that was probably listening in the whole convention

and then

then harder whenever an interest payment to finance them violent and didn't

the somebody gave her a role and I said listen I think he came to break bread with mass

hello this is kinda Nixon

and just like the ones down the sentiment listening

in

I love working with newcomers they light up my life literally light up my life

he said person that came from where I came from

even care about anybody else's America online

and I believe that my god loves me and that

he couldn't get my attention

and he Love Me enough that he knew that I was going down a path of destruction

never a put an alcoholic in my life

so I can do everything that I had to do in order to find you in order to find mine down

celebrate something and I believe that those of us that are lucky enough to make it to these rooms are done tremendous debt of gratitude

given us a second chance at this line

and given us the steps I'll be so grateful Alcoholics Anonymous for recognizing that the families of

we just say because they'll call

then the program he was the

secretary of the meeting down Dan I'm a lot of great men we used to give them the address and remove any morning like there was a church

here we go down there and our daughter and I we get behind the counter and we'd be serving coffee they'll be sober alcoholic

him they would say what are you doing behind that counter your non alcoholic here in Allentown and I said I need to be here and I don't know you didn't drink you're not as sick of this and I know you bet IBM and I'm already with alcoholics that I was sicker and then

and then they finally accepted as I said you know you don't ever have to go in a bar liquor store ever again if you don't want to

I sleep with my obsession

try that one

test

it's not easy

in the

and I love the people in this program the ladies they get down on or the gentleman that get talent on that still lives with practicing in the program that they were

I don't ever take somebody for granted my home

but I sponsor lady this year and the other nine are meeting

and it's so typical of India

India should always lined on both cruises go on boat rides and all that kind of stuff and she shared with him that time in a few weeks it your family is going to be together in Italy and he'll probably be on the ground a lesson learned it was her birthday

her husband when she get this program was passed out on the floor in the living room floor

and so then the nine she went home and it was her birthday the mother with a flower

close your eyes

I need to route back to the swimming pool that they have that and when calling for ever

an indictment brought about from somewhere

any baby Lloyd one to go on a boat ride

and he rode her around their swimming

now

only a drunken thank god that only an

calling somebody and they're not right minded

but it's not letting

in that let me

I was told when I was in this program that I would care if I would

if I would try the lab with all the intensity that I used to hate with

okay

and I am so grateful for strong sponsorship

in I tried to do that the best of my ability and because of that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous I can see the gifts

in those kind of drops today I can see the gifts and the things that my husband used to do for me

and still left it is so funny we are so still a lot of ways like we used to be he can plant a seed

and I'm offering to

and then he won the new headboard with it our bed set for ever

about a week ago he said I'm tired of this old man is ready and has fallen apart model of law and we need a new headline how long one will live shows and K.

and boy did I find one

it only took about fifteen furniture stores

and then I finally found a furniture factory to one of the girls that I sponsored tell me about this place and I go there and then we part ways is it Keith went with me to look at

and I said do you like and he said yes because we never shopped again

and I said what do you like this one he says because we're here

I mean I can give is obsessed and John talked about it last night the things out to get us all the time I can get just as obsessed with something like that is anything else

and so for a weekend been obsessed with finding this had more

can I get it and they're delivering that that might

and all the arrangements made and I get home

and I think my messages off the phone with

there was a message from a lady that we've known about ten years in this program

this lady is trying to work the program

for a long time now

this has never been one hundred percent now on on

she's tried other programs should still try and psychiatry chemistry do better medicine the whole bit

and he calls me all the time and leave messages on my answering machine

and she's always up

and I took her message Johnson she said god so I'm so excited

J.

many social workers

has finally found me a home for assisted living and then I can go into I don't have to live in my car anymore

she's been living in their car for the last four months

and he said I'll have toilet facilities and I won't have to wear diapers anymore because I'm home

and I said thank you that

does remain bringing me right back to why I am here and what's real and what's their purpose

I just spent a week obsessed with the headboard and this lady is excited because you then have to sleep in her car anymore

that's how easy legal

I just and god only knows how to get to me to make me right back transmissibility

and that's what this whole thing in the mail

it's about recognizing what we're dealing with

this is a deadly disease

yeah and you do not even have to drink alcohol to get there

so hard sometimes with their owners because you can't smell on

and it's not always so great

and now

what do you give up

bring it up it's very obvious without knowledge the news is is that we have the disease of alcoholism the ETS have the disease of alcoholism and I believe

then once the alcoholics give up the booze

during our lunch inside me

since then we have all of the issues to work on

same ones

and thank them for them Alcoholics Anonymous but giving us the twelve steps

in this program my sponsor Thailand started me to the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous because you see online and have them

Hey gave us your steps and now

I wonder why they left I am powerless over alcohol

desperately elements

when palace of alcoholic in particularly that I didn't like it anyway

and I wouldn't

I didn't I wouldn't drink wouldn't want to

so why did they leave that in the

S. is Basha life was unmanageable

and I knew

my life was unmanageable I knew that I was a second rate citizen

I knew that I didn't count I knew that I was down and I was stupid

because you see alcoholism in telling me that for years but how is my palace around him I love reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is not Allen on conference approved literature and I know that

and I'm gonna say something a long time I told me if you're in now online you don't have to read that book most basic if you want to

because R. Allen on literature tells us to learn everything we can about the disease of alcoholism

and what a better place to find it in the basement of Alcoholics Anonymous

one considering that step I had to write a line and I

I like to write and I like to go beyond I don't want to be a surface I don't want to be half measures I would never have majors before I got here and I don't want to be half measures with this program

and I want to know why about me

not be alcoholic me I want to grow I'm interested in this thing where do I fit in this world where do I fit in this program what is my responsibility

and I did my writing and I gave it to my sponsor and and I'm gonna do my sponsor and the lights went on

read them in

I am powerless over alcohol because I tried to change what alcohol is doing to my husband

and I am happy

and it made me insane

I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home so little lady like me doing in a place like this because you were telling me that once you are trapped into the alcoholic personality he would always be attracted to the alcoholic personality and already have multiple marriages

he's got me and he was stuck

yes the boys are dead

he had two assists

and I love him man so we're

my telling me well I know that if you go out and be active and you might end up dead but because I'm right behind you and the **** and I express our

I don't ever want to trade in

can I get a sense of my sponsor and find out some things about me and one of the things that I found out about me

because I'm very stubborn

seven steps that we give all of our defects of character to god so what's left

I turned it over and I work on the positive side of

I am so seven I do not want this disease to give me time

I refuse to let this disease get me twice I'm gonna be stubborn enough to have my my self in a seat

all

possible to keep that disease arrested

I'm gonna make those phone calls is often as possible not one two weeks

in may I am twenty seven years in this program allow online and I talked to my sponsors three no less than twice a week

because I always need to hear what she has to say

I learned a long time in this program and how strong they gave it away to me in the very beginning

because they said that you can't afford to do it any other way

we don't carefully hurt his feelings you know how to handle that we're here to save your life

and I'm grateful for those people in my life in a long time

that will be for

and set the pace and I believe that our responsibility to those people is to give it away exactly the way they gave it to us and not wanted this thing down

we have a tremendous responsibility to the new people walking in the store at this convention is not about karaoke

this dimension is not about the dance

it's not about the decorations that's only a byproduct of medium right here in a meeting

whether it's marathoner speaker meeting or whatever and if you go to a marathon meeting and somebody's running crap out shut him up

why get sick with

you have the right if you have the knowledge you have the responsibility

I told

can I get some of the girls direction IRA after money meditation this morning about people walking in and out of this meeting and they had not alone in my home group name on their tag

and they were walking in an alley here when everybody at this table have thirty plus years

and I they deserve the respect of you said in your **** in last year and stayed there until that meeting is over

because those are the people that set the pace for us

it is very rude and disrespectful to run in and out of this room

and this is saying when our local me

I was taught when I was named you get to a meeting but thirty minutes before the meeting so you can get your coffee and go to the bathroom and find your seat

and then you say after the meeting thirty minutes so you can talk to other people and get to know people and and meet people during the break

and I was told to send them

and shut up and listen

I am very strong direction wishin and

Iran has allowed a humbling experiences when I was there it is not easy being a newcomer because everybody picks on

we thank

and the main part is is that they're not picking on

good morning

they're trying to teach us things that the disease of alcoholism took away

we all have the knowledge of being courteous

polite

that's cool but when I came into my life

that went out the window here on your own I have no time for you my focus is on him

can you give me my way and you die

because that's not gonna

and like I said I didn't grow up in a home with alcoholism pretty normal home

tell we moved all over western Kansas Oklahoma and then

Texas panhandle

we live in a trailer house my dad's phone bill rate is around me all fields and I've called oil field trash a lot

when I went to five and six seven schools and one year never felt like I belonged anywhere himself on one of the tension

I had to make it

negative

I said I didn't care

but if you have my way I'll let you know on them because I had to make my own

somebody stood up for me or any of that kind of stuff

and then when I was a teenager

fifteen years old

my father passed away with cancer Madeleine my mother my younger brother at home together my sister had already gotten married and had her family

and after very time my mom started dating and I resented her for that she's been there for all to my father

and I started rebelling and I ended up in a nine one mother's home in San Antonio Texas

and I stood there for a day at a time and I give the child up for adoption today I am very grateful that I did that because at that age now where was I ready willing or able to be responsible or be a parent

and now

and then there are never heard again till I found you know

god uses people to help other people

use me as an instrument of some people have a child that they couldn't have

and I accepted then I went back home and I didn't like running around with the kids that I'd run around with they were born

and now my mom asked me one night if I want to go to this party Congress and I said you bet

can I get there and oh my gosh I'll never forget it I walked in and it's noisy rowdy people are finding the music is loud people are custom and open and

while I'm home

hi I love to

and Alexis Campbell a movie room and I thought he had a lot of courage to do the stuff is when it's starting fights

information instead of fighting he came running past my nieces honey let me know when the fights over and he took me into the women's restroom

and I stood there like a good potential Alan I'm on duty

and when the fight was over I said okay camera you can come out

he came out he asked me for the last Nancy Meyers dancers usually a slow dance for you to grab up against each other and get ready to go home but this is a fast dance and you just can't get faster and faster and faster we never missed a letter and I loved it

I left

and as I look back I know today that he did for me I want nothing else has ever done for me he got me in downtown in the fast lane right now

he did for me probably what alcohol does for alcoholics

previously he was migrated to

and then he called me up the next day and asked me out on a date night my mom said no you're not alone with him was in trouble all the time he's been married before and he's older than you and I said I don't care

he came to pick me up we walk outside there's no car

hi this is no way to minimize the premium cars he said you don't understand I've lost my driver's license for ever and I totaled my car and I don't no problem I got a car

and into the drive in movie and exactly who would not want to do you sit there and you just mentioned something up to minus

now let's celebrate Keaton we're watching the movie and I'm long well this must be what it's like to be with a more mature me

select dell ran him and he's got a six pack of waste in the twenties like seems more interested in than me

and that set up that obsession

I want to be number one in that man's life

and then about killed me for the next fifteen years

the main number one and that man's life

we started dating and then there's times he wouldn't show up

and I think he doesn't know who his son do the self righteousness that came up in me

and I got a telling reminder let him know he can't treat me this way

they call me the next day and I go four were you last night and he did a lot of wine

and I said that because we were supposed to have a date there's no problem picking up tonight

okay

and then I get really mad because I didn't tell him all the stuff I've done telling them how lonely now telling mental just showing him so I just don't know the few beers before you got there and I'm showing

can you run me in my house they look at me and you know you're not gonna go why not because you're drunk

how do I go with you and your grant he goes I know you hang out with Gramps item

we did stuff like that all the time

we used to build the Oklahoma panhandle in the Kansas he Hannah

the bank that they're late payment when eighteen yet but he was

and now we've done those honky tonk that there

when I we gonna fight because he wasn't paying enough attention to me now I know how to make a man pay attention to me

if there was another guy

and when you see the other day paying attention to you and then he'll go yeah you know I got to pay attention to her

I did not know that alcoholics work in office since

he just got angry we had this big fight and fighting over who's going to drive home

and he won his only in the car and we start back across the Oklahoma panhandle we get the state line and they have greater set up there and he's man we're gonna hunter miles an hour

and he does remind us that the kids will never see the sun again

I said no problem I'm never had a ticket so we switched places meant cars on a hundred miles an hour

Dandenong with me

until we get down the other end of the state line may hit a roadblock set up for us now highway patrol came out the window and he said we don't know how you down and the realtors correct as you weren't back under there when we collected

but we've checked on this crime is reported stolen

so we're taking you in

my last term in my hand testing and they told me to follow the sheriff's car forty miles to the county seat so they could arrest me so I did

and the

manner fingerprint in the look at me

and I said you make one phone call

he said I want to speak to the district attorney and I thought well I remember something your friend I'm thinking wow this man goes to the top

I am so impressed

really should have a way of being the network says

and then pretty soon this guy walked in and he was mature gray here and had on a winter coat with a fur collar turned up and he was so cool and I was immediately attracted to him today and now it's because he's an alcoholic

he introduced me to my father so for the first year we dated I was interested in my future father

and then when we started out this happy rather destiny we dated for two years

my girlfriends are talking about their boyfriend how they would come over and watch TV with them and their boyfriends were doubled over him and then sit on the couch and then smooching kissing how wonderful that way

when my boyfriend was coming over he was falling asleep

I didn't understand pass out

he would make me so angry

he had long hair and a long beard and I did not like it

and so one night he came over and pass out on me and I took a razor to shave half his hands happy face off

he came back the next night and they look the same

and we don't break mainstays back when you grow up main street we go down main street one way and he turned this way new build clean shaven look down right along here and then like any of the people in this town thank them to face

can I just laughing you know and I think he was so cute he was he was my entertainment light

in

get a draft notice and we decided we couldn't live without each other and so we ran off camera on we got married

and then Uncle Sam than learning so I got to keep them

Hannah his grandparents and I decided what he needed was go back school had been going to school many years never got a degree because he just went from one school to another and that kind of stuff and I know that I had what it took to making stay put

his family moved to Stillwater Oklahoma and Keith and rolled in college in

and now surely after that we had a little girl Symon

and I remember when they handed me that maybe

thank in thank god she's a girl

because you see he drank his dad was a drunken is branded with the town ground I know if we had a boy who would carry on the family tradition I did not know that alcoholism doesn't care what six color race or creed you are he will take you to the gates of insanity and Helen you don't even have to drink booze to get there

transcontinental along his face just need to have two beers because after awhile I started working

he says we're paying three still and then I was working on the same program land the groceries in case this is going to school

quick enough

at ten

he said this is too humbling for me

I just go out and have to be

and I think we are in trouble and needed and he'd say I want this time I promise

then you go out in the doorbell and running after a few hours and I go to the door and they're making the call

in a sexual keeping here this time we will not rest

and like everybody was giving him to me it's like he was my responsibility and I started taking that responsibility very seriously

and we stayed there for four years so he can get a two year degree typical alcoholic

and then

they took all the credit

because you see alcoholism and started telling me that I was nobody answered I didn't count that I listed

in the alcoholism and me started

in

he came home one day and said they don't want to move to California and I'm not moving to California to crazy out there I will never raise children in California

he said maybe you do not understand we've been going to the honky tonk should been drinking out of paper sacks have been getting in fights

when items like in those bars to

I mean I would go to the bathroom we may dance unless they're going to go to the ladies room

you know said Nambucca and stay there don't fight its down

and I don't want to catch you find one and come out okay

and I come out of recession there's a big fight going on in the middle of the dance floor and I know darn him

I push my way through all those nineteen ninety eight right middle somebody stop me in the face and fall down the floor and then picking me and they're gone where did she come from and I looked over and keep it in the list

you never know you can never predict an alcohol yeah

flex with my man there is this Galentine's his keys and

she really upset me

he don't bother my man

unidentified maturity a plate glass window I have a face off

about six weeks later she came back and said look what you did to me they had to take skin off my hip to put my face back together

no compassion

no caring

nothing

wow you got a new name your name name in that space and that's when everybody started calling after now

and it's like you don't mess with me or mine

I'm so grateful that Allen teaches us release

I do not own another human being can you see the thing about that that but I understand that people long timers in this program has taught me

chamberlain used to tell a story about the little bird in the hand

Ameriprise in your hand then you close it like this it will suffocate and it will surely nine

but if you love it with an open hand they will fly away and if it's meant to be it will come back

can you say I was the one

the

and it's negative and it pushes people away it makes them hate me as much as I hate me

I didn't understand things I thought I was helping

I thought I was fixing

I didn't have a clue that you can't fix alcoholism

the Californian the disease progressed and it got worse

and I don't ever want to forget them

well I am here to come home and I'd be right door

don't you ever do that again

yep and then yelling and screaming and shaking the finger and all that kind of stuff and it's nice to get out of my face

can I take one step closer images B. last name they haven't had say so if you don't get on my face and then hit

and I take one step closer and hit him and then that number again it was on

and with fine until last man could stand

because you see I had to prove that I was right

thank god that almost killed me

when we get this program are dire mentality

Human R. nine start facing should say you're right mom you're right first

that I hated that

but it was the principal

and she was letting me know and then that her own way with program

and I'm not always right today I know I'm not really sure how

but with the disease in man so insane and caught up in the insanity I know there's one more thing I can do

Berlin scavenger hunts throughout the bottles and best phone number to honor Hegan runs on water a lot

all that stuff

he tried to do the right thing by the right glasses teaching on how I can I'm doing for you and gather these glasses he won't get done if we get along you know how can we do this you know get up on Sunday morning or Saturday morning and say okay I'm going to be a good one can't let them join them we'll have bloody Marys with breakfast online dot

that started off the weekend and ended up in jail time

if I'm gonna call the neighbors are gonna come up just a moment phone calls because we gave them fight by Saturday night it was living hell of our house

I just wanted to teach him how to drink right

and we fought with guns and knives all the time

when the site was again and I didn't get to my butcher knife in time and I just had the holster and moving ahead catechesis assessor anyone out in the garage and I'm throwing out there and I'm being anymore at this post in the neighbors would call the cops

Henry drive up to our house in mango you know where you're going I said I don't know he's got that in

and I don't know all of the commotion is going on here you have the holster and I said no this is my weapon they go yeah right so I had to give them a demo

conflicting interests on me

the jail and they'll write hot checks the mailing manager

thanks that's fine

but it was the only time that I ever could ever get any sleep is when he was in yeah the only time

he thought it was and then all the time and it's like you don't do that to me I'll show you

and I picked up a butcher knife and I spend five minutes with that between

many many times and the site was and then I could put them right on the end of my nose his face if you know shut up I'm going to switch and I stick my my friend has them and then say you go first

what do you mean you will face questions you're dead

and I said I know but when the bullet hits middle

Amy go backwards momentum and make the money goes towards him about that the same time so go for it in his words and meaning that you're crazy

in a way

yeah

we had a big fight one night and I fell down and I was always going to get a divorce

the whole side of my face kicked in and I went to work that day and everybody says does your husband be

and I said nothing ever laid a hand on me and believing

because you see the denial of the disease and try and move it out loud I don't do something about it and I have no answers