The Sacramento Spring Fling in Sacramento, CA

bye bye

god's graces program sponsored by about a message take a drink and second June nineteen eighty one and for that I am truly truly grateful

I want to thank the committee for asking me to come out I I K. the spring fling when I was I lived out in Sacramento from ninety two to ninety seven and the first spring fling I went to was that yeah I think ninety two was over at the other places this is a time of change and embrace it because it

it's what it is so you might as well embrace it you know I remember that you all didn't do it the way I was used to people doing it when I got here ninety two

and but I came and I continue to come and I tried to participate as best I could and the upshot of that is is that now I get to stand before you some years later

and I know a lot of

see so don't worry about the change because what's still the same on the basis and the people that are sitting around you next to you in front of your behind because no matter whether you have it here or there or in the tent on the parking lot

it's still the people

still the people

still that's not a message get care

still to be and I'm glad that somebody all the still here that the people that I I'd that touched my life when I got here I want to thank the committee for would be a really consistent enough to get me up but down here

you know it's a lesson the love it's a mess it's a whole deal I have I've met with folks on the kick off speaker was great yesterday making vinaigrette fantastic job thank you I would have to say no and I can just entertain this

we all got the message okay you know what you gotta do

you know she said so I like I do now to tell you some stuff is gone Mike this off I don't care

my story you know there's all time in the media I go to a Sunday's it in Omaha he said the only thing you got is a story in your name

okay is my story so we all heard before I think so we all do better not do it

yep they

but he has wears glasses the do it

I just want to thank god I thank god so you can pick me up mmhm and yup it's really real well it's nice to be back in Sacramento's nice any rain in the day you know

it really is it's a good day it's a good day to be sold I want to how many people in the room right now this over a year or less could you just raised a hand

all right

all right

it's safe to say that most of you probably weren't here last year

welcome to the spring fling

welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous get to know some of the real nut cases that are walking around here

because if you stay in a a you will see them again

and you may be sitting across from one of these round tables when you're going through some crisis or some situation that is completely unmanageable to you and that person that you thought was just a car carrying lunatic

I will say something that'll turn it all around for you

do give you a tool that will work in your life

and you will get relieved from that session

that's what this is all about

do people come in here broke all the time

and we give them tools and ways to try to recreate their lives like it says in the book recreate yeah how many times you try to recreate your life

I know Sunday mornings I was always about recreation

because Robert sure was talking on the on the television she was looking at me asking me questions I couldn't answer I wanted to recreate my life right then and there

and by that afternoon I was back at that bar doing the same old stuff

never was successful in recreating my life well that was then nineteen eighty one and this is now and I can tell you that I have been completely turned around just like Megan said

I'm the deal now

mainly because I've hung out with people didn't really didn't look like they had an answer when I walked in the door

definitely not the my problems because all they look like me Yalden act like me your work me and it is all about me

now my full name is sterling David Holmes a third

yeah that's some

when you got a woman who will be in your name you will get a country to run

I want my country

I understand that the group I always thought that it was I thought as a kid coming about what we might make it I feel different in school is different in the world I thought there were two groups me in all the all you know I mean I did but I always thought that I wanted to be loved you know just about this movie

if they could just Love Me I'll be love I wanna be a baby

I love the guy and then they do it

I want you to do what I want you to do when I want you to do it

intermediate late

that was the way I was eight six and I will probably be the way I'm going to be at sixty

because I'm like that I'm selfish

and I'm self centered

then I got this thing going on the side of my head thank god all you all here today because I listen to this talk all day long

what about all this number that a blow my brains out a long time ago

because the deal is when I shared with you I get to see it for what it actually is it's crazy it's insane

but that's okay because you taught me how to take actions

you taught me how to do stuff different you know I mean I came up to school in and of course I felt uncomfortable my god put me on the planet with talents I achieve something and I failed at some things and every human being on the planet has that experience but I took it personally

I thought I was gonna blow rap because I got the family that I got I wanted the Donna reed leave it to beaver kinda line I grew up in the projects in New York

and I thought that I should head out of the lifestyle I'm going to meetings of of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous all over the country in a couple few foreign countries and and their people to sit in there that had that split level a frame house and had the long it had the paperboy delivering it always landed on the porch and all that you know they had Donna reed for a mom and dad was an engineer and you know they solve problem you know I mean all of that they had a new just as screwed up as I am

so it wasn't my environment it isn't a malfunction in my DNA chain that put me in Alcoholics Anonymous

hi Megan said I have an allergy the body I ingested alcohol at thirteen years old and it transcended my perception of the world around me

if I had discovered a tall chemical forty five at thirteen you have somebody else here

because I was one of those kids that was long

inside my own head when you inside your own head you long

because you are by your damn self

eight no more room with anybody but you in there

so I was a lonely kid and if I had not gotten out of that I had a ball out of bounds so lonely and so sad and sold this tragic that I to look for a permanent solution to a temporary problem

and I to blow my brains out so thank god for talking go forty five thirteen because it changed my perception of the world around me he gave me what I thought were abilities far beyond normal men

it didn't change my perception it made me feel like I could speak as well as Jesse Jackson play sports as well as Reggie Jackson dance as well as Michael Jackson that's the way it is

it don't do that the most folks

if you sit in this room right now and you ain't got much time and you're trying to you're trying to figure out what the hell you doing here and who the hell am I and what is all this about and why am I here and all that good stuff if you sit in it if you go back out and do the stuff that you think you want to do the work for you you know why because he he

what we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is two things love and true

love interest will love you we'll tell you the truth

we'll tell you the truth we'll tell you what happened to us we'll tell you how much it hurt how badly felt we'll tell you how we changed all of that we'll tell you how we succeeded how we fail to live in our lives one day at a time and once you walk back out that door was going to screw you up is that information

because they nothing worse than walking around with a head full a and a belly full alcohol

Hey none worse than that

and that's we will give you if you know what I call it's not with us and you will get from us we'll give you all kinds of advice they will teach you how to say stuff and we'll teach you how to read stuff will do a lot of interesting things

what what all we really have is love in truth

I got my story it is not because of an allergic reaction to strawberries and I stand before you

I don't have any other allergies in my life that I know of that I continually used even though the harm

my sister is allergic to peanuts peanut oil peanut and you couldn't force my sister the go into Kroger's or to Raley's or whatever and buy a bag of peanuts and foresaw the eat them in the call

because you say I'll die

but every one of us has had that experience we walked into the liquor store grocery store or wherever we went knowing that the thing that we were purchasing all stealing

I was going to kill us

and we did it anyway

so if you know what I've always loved just sitting in a room full of people who are crazy

and the only reason that they are here today breathing in and out and smiling at you with that stupid grin we always have our faith with them up to you

is because they've had something profound happened in their lives what happened is at some point in time to some circumstances they don't even understand god intervene and change them at the cellular level

because what was eight illegal immoral bizarre individual is now somebody to walk around with a button Smilin and got a little taste of love and

you can get this person to show up in a court date

now all of a sudden they're here two hours early to do right

that is called a spiritual awakening

now I know you don't understand it

because I did sometimes I don't today I'm just baffled by you know how can we get us to do this stuff

when Y. as in parole officers and judges and cops and all the teachers any authority figure you know it says the finances the characterization of alcohol yeah definitely you know the wind if you tell us to do it that's the first thing we're not gonna do

then there are people in here have sponsors and all kinds of stuff

relationships it was thought about relationships this

what we sell seven how to hell you will have a relation

when my first wife I'm always the hope college don't we all day we got a we got to

yeah

that's that's

what is the truth I mean we see the object the whatever it is we want whether to drink or person or job or money or whatever it is our digital camera with

the deal is we pursuing personal person would resume and motivate all of our energies towards getting that thing was we we we we got a guy

what this

since

if you do stuff like that you are busy

so you knew it was not as you think about trying to get that Lexus

thank you and you have your checkbook has like seven cents in it

postpone that for twenty four hours

hang out with us

we might have a better idea for

that's the deal

sometimes considering another alternative is the hardest thing for an alcoholic like me to do

because when I pursue that relationship I wanted I wanted to have a wife because I figured a wife see I was so sudden extreme market what both sides and I Love Me so much what would help me Love Me is a relationship

makes sense

the problem is when you have a relationship with another person that person then the relationship to

and that person also happens to be one of god's kids

and if you're selfish and self centered in the extreme you're gonna do a lot to harm that other individual in the relationship and then a right because you both got kids yeah I noticed that

I came in that relationship we had a kid number my grandmother passed away and I went crazy would drink it would deal with anger with frustration I don't know how to live life on life's terms I'm in my mid twenties I'm in the chair for the United States Air Force and stationed overseas I got responsibilities I got commitments I've got a up and coming young career I got all the stuff going on and I got no tools do not that all I got is the stuff that I learned in Catholic school what I read in the books and what I think John Wayne taught me and every one of the movies he ever made

about being a man that's it and I got all jumbled up in this thing that I call a brain

and in the book they say I'm not balanced

they might just the fine and I'm going to places I'm drinking a northern Japan and I'm falling asleep and pass it out yeah I'm driving on the wrong side of the road I'm doing all kinds of stuff

and the boost in the people that are in charge of me got very worried because society we would we do what we do best

and they say we've got a solution for you

a lot of times I solution requires that they put us in a room with a door knobs on the other side

what a dress up in outfits with leaves a very very long any wrap all the way around

then they usually give us a sponsor

because if you've ever been behind in the back of a police car would have because you've been sponsored

if you had to stand before judge job role observer report to a finance company or whatever you have been sponsored actively

so you know when a company borrowing those spots to tell me what to do we come in here we got the call

we're being told what to do

welcome to all of you to have cards

you are now sponsored

congratulations

now some of the spots that I'd rather be sponsored by somebody that has my best interest at heart

because I don't think the department of corrections really has my best interests at heart

you know I don't even know my wife has my best interest at heart

I can honestly tell you I've been sponsored for a long time by the German by name Reggie a

regs always have my best interests at heart

and he never asked me to bring the car to know me

that's the deal

you won't get has to be signed a health card sign when you get a sponsor an Alcoholics Anonymous which you will be asked is that you do whatever that sponsor has done

that's what sponsorship should be about it maybe a lot of other things we add to it but that's what sponsorship should be about it somebody walking a path as somebody walking a path behind it because he likes the way this guy's traveling

that's what it's all about that's why it takes people it ain't the place is the people

we got a message for you here with a loving truth

we tell the truth about ourselves and we love you until you understand enough to be willing to do what we do so you can live the way we live so that you can go and sell somebody else

that's what this is all about

I didn't notice I'll get my **** kicked by alcohol I was finding myself dropping that kid on a regular basis because my father was more important and bottle

I remember my my wife took pictures of beautiful beautiful shots of of of her husband and father of her child I came home drunk dressed up in a suit and

I thought before I actually got completely undressed in the pants around my ankles and here I was laying on the bed in the fetal position in the full three piece suit with my pants around my ankles and she thought that this would shock me into maybe changing my behavior so she drop these little tidbits of you know these photographs all me one one Sunday morning and I was embarrassed and I was mortified knows you know I continue drinking

I was almost over a year before he gave me those pictures

I tore my

but that's what you got to see all the time

this is the person that I wanted to have a relationship with

yeah I drop my kid I lied to folks I took money I stole money ever since I can remember having hands

so the deal is I'm a liar cheat with the

and when they put the hammer down when they put the screws to me and they said sterling either you do this for your job is over your marriage is over this that the other I felt betrayed

I feel like always good for you know because I grew up in the south Bronx if you have a book a mother like I had a you have a family like I had you lived in the neighborhood I live you be drinking too

you know Colin Powell lived a mile from where I did

you know a few years before I came along but he lived a mile from where I did

so obviously wasn't environment

so that excuse paled in comparison to the bizarre behavior that I was exhibiting to my fellow man the deal is

I'm nuts and society a lot to handle it nobody knows what to do about it the asking me questions I cannot answer

because I do not have the knowledge I don't know the truth about me

they sent me to treatment because they figured that's the only place they could do it every twelve weeks for a month that was a month

maybe a little more it's on everything you could possibly learn about al dollars

my head put all information every new movie also a father Martin at a salon treatment

you know and I thought I'll quit tomorrow and the days of wine and roses and oh man I feel really bad for you alcoholics really good

and I will make a contribution because our sorry lot

I take it personal

twenty something years on intelligently on my gum and educated young adult before ever college

well I would agree in any but affordable

do you live I know what I know what I know

scared to death don't have a clue try to live life on some old archaic ideas and some stuff that I misunderstood in Catholic school

but I know what I know when I know you all gave me a card to me go that little room right next to the rec center call they had a little Silver Age you know they they would blow a a symbol on it the blue circle with days on it they had it right over here next to the rec center and I went in that room and I met you for the very first time and he was smiling from ear to ear

you had those little things up on the wall thank thank thank first things first this too shall pass easy does it

but for the grace of god

at fifty two oh I got

twelve twelve

and he was smiling and you when you seemed genuinely happy to see me now I have screwed up my life

I totally jacked it up I'm in trouble up to my eyeballs I feel like crap

and and I walk in a room full of people that are happy to see me so you know what happened I immediately got pissed off

cause of the fire how did you Love Me more I Love Me

did you know how serious this is

I have been committed to Alcoholics Anonymous

in New York alcoholics had a puddle in front of them they let a long overcoat and he drank stuff out of a paper bag he was saying I'm just like those failures in those bottles because I am an Alcoholics Anonymous it didn't occur to me until I was going to have a couple three weeks there's nobody in there ever have a long overcoat or a paper bag and then you know they were everyday people that I've seen on the base

and another thing they seem to have something going on in there are they seem to have some going on in the face it was just phenomenal

they were at peace with themselves

because what they were doing was sharing their experience strength and hope with me they would tell me some terrible things I get embarrassed the means for people to be talking you know because they would start about this and laughed and laughed at that you know then the twelve treatment centers and you know that I was at one time I woke up naked on my front lawn

you should see stuff like that

what will be will

I wonder what they was thinking when I was you know being dragged through the day the NC okay because I was too drunk to drive and I couldn't log in to my friends with dragon meat though you know I mean it was the same behavior but I don't want to talk about it

what they didn't talk about the missile similar to what I had done I thought my wife and called them and told them that I was you know

I know was it was a scam it was it had to be

to be because it was just too compelling

and there's a reason why I was so compelling for me and I suspect that there's a reason why so compelling for you because when people like us talk to people like us there's a relationship that is a symbiosis that takes place

because if I'm talking to somebody that doesn't have a problem with alcohol and I'm telling them about my problem with alcohol they'll be polite

and they will be may be attentive and they might even be somewhat sympathetic but they won't relate

they just small relate

I was sitting in a room full of people who knew they were armed with the facts about themselves and they were winning my trust in a few hours

that's what happened that's the magic if you're a new Alcoholics Anonymous that's what we try to keep your **** here for to happen that's what we're waiting to see take place is that the miracle is you sit in here and we'll go on and on and on about whatever we go on and on about we waited for the hit you so that we can see that miracle take place so we can be reminded that it took place in us

so that we can look into

so that we can love you

so that we can learn how to be lovable in here so that we could be lovable out there because we sure as hell weren't very lovable there

and they know what they are for every person in here it is ten to fifteen other people that can attest to what kind of **** you were when you were out

that's the deal

I came after years of I mean you know of course we talk about god if you knew about all these numbers I don't make him comfortable

as we say god crap in the same sentence it's weird

it's weird I know

but they will talk about god and I knew you know since I going to Catholic school and done a few things and different religions I knew that where that was going because I knew the young going to try to jump me Jeez what's make you say my head so books airport you know I knew that

because this is a call

this is a scam this is the date

but what you did was you scared your experience strength and hope what you did was you talked about a personal relationship with a power greater than yourself you left the door open for whatever I had about god or religion or whatever because you were frightened that

all you was trying to do is show me up have

what did you take it and that you knew what was going to be on the other side and they help me do a lot of stuff I have still grappled with how my higher power manifests itself in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is a part of the book what he says when trouble comes

kapple take it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence

cheerfully

how many dollars here we take it as an opportunity to demonstrate to them that when god's will comes in my life

because I got to go

I want to run things

one of the bay

that's where she was wonderful because I had no knowledge of what was happening is what he gave they took me to places they did stuff with me they made me coffee make I make terrible coffee still do

still do make bad cop

they made a call to make a two weeks they drag my rotten called

I had a lot of cream in children

but they thank me for my service work they Love Me at a year so backing back to the states and I knew that I was going I was on fire about I've always loved the love to people you did so much for me you help me stay sober you know you've done a lot of loving things will guys in their mandate that went out of their way with the kindness and the patients and the tolerance

so I was on fire but I've always numbers I just knew I had to fix something that was wrong with a

just a few improvements you know just tweaking the whole bill so that we can run more efficiently

you know this is one of the black vote today and I was looking to get some more black people in

because I want the picture up on the wall

the problem is

and if you're not there you go you know the I know some major problems with AA and I've just been waiting to find my little core people so we can really going here in Round Rock this thing through let me clue you in on a couple things

Hey Hey works

B. you're on a fixed

well I what I came back

so when I get back to those days up out of the black people and I've always loved it and so belong to me piss me up

because I got a legal problem

I would like to tell you that the the first several years of my sobriety was still a bit more

not by a long shot

five years my I was going to means are going to means of going to means but I was the motels I certainly wasn't working the steps I did a four step

think how long does it take to do a four step and a night that's my theory however long it takes and a night took me two years before I got too crazy but I had to do something I did a four step that night this is that we're pres

because I knew maybe an ex Catholic I knew the date they couldn't talk

most the work because I'm still here

by the time I got the five years of sobriety I was having my second pitiful incomprehensible demoralization I was feeling like crap on the inside I hate you I hate me I hated them could stand the work I was doing couldn't stand a family I have good standards of the four squares I was standing on things were getting really serious

you know to the point where I was looking at maybe permanently solving a temporary problem

so I think I need to kill myself get a sponsor

equally tragic decision

I with the more temporary of the two I decide I'd kill myself later if this guy doesn't work out

god with a sense of humor set me to Bellevue Nebraska doesn't sound like a Mecca but it was for me gentleman walked up to me and he gave me a meeting schedule the circle to meetings in that meeting schedule he said if you don't want to hide in Alcoholics Anonymous go to these meetings that was five years old

and I walked into this fellowship of people that smile from ear to ear and put it into a white guys you know twelve to a whole deal

you know and I really resented that I resented him and I resented that whole operation you know and I'm a tell your local you know some of you got a resentment towards somebody today sits on the U. that's on you know I've always known this and you take their inventory that day you take the remote or the next day you take them toward the third day

what you need to do a bit of same sex union will have a sponsor or sponsor

they will spend the most time aside did everything clean some stuff up while they're

sweep the cobwebs out you know

bush away to mold ID is

because you got to give up some stuff you got to make world in a you gotta make room if you know what I'll call its non was today are you sitting here you've taken the started making some room given some of the stuff that how do you out and put in some new stuff in we're going to do a tune up on your spirituality

we want to hear

yeah

would you got a letter here

because we will do this

we will have no credit checks we don't do no background stop

we will give it to anybody some of the walk in here and sit here for an hour

because we do it in the vain hopes that one or two or three or four of you will get

that's the first year of sobriety we don't want

once you're wondering whether or not everybody thinks you're cool

because that's not a way to get

I almost killed myself the first five years because all I did was hang around in the fellowship not input any substance into what I was trying to do which was met live my life one day at a time I needed tools I was cool with I had no clue as to what I was doing with my life

surrender then I ask that man to sponsor me and he did not just brow beat me with the big book what he did was he sold me how the steps to decisions and principles of accountability and responsibility works day to day

that's what I've always been looking for

me so that I can deal with situations that scare the living you never been so scared that if they put a piece of coal and you'll but you make a diamond

days with the pucker factor was about to

these solutions when I'm in that kind of fear

the deal is that's what that man gave me

he gave me solutions things that I could put in the action

his work he's he's freaking out what they

it's okay

do you think the calls me all the time he gets his stuff all the time

and the deal was he sold me

do his life to the actions in his life we just celebrated his twenty not twenty eighth anniversary

he's been married to this mode same woman since I've known him

his child is grown his relationship with the sponsor is exemplary

he's a man I admire he's a man I trust he's a man I love

I love this man that is my sponsor not because of all of the the the cute little episodes we've had we've beat me up emotionally or you know what told me to do stuff I didn't really want to do but because he has allowed me into his life into his home and he has shown me what a profound spiritual awakening looks like

because I know the man he was fifteen years ago and I asked them to sponsor me and I know the kind of man he is today

and I watch that process and I have been amazed

I think that's what they meant when they said that sometimes the person doing the helping is getting more help than the person getting them I don't necessarily see it that way when I first heard in the discussion

but I have watched miracles of Alcoholics Anonymous from my sponsor from his sponsor from his sponsor all the way down I've got the opportunity to sponsor people I spent several years in Omaha Nebraska learning how to become a part of the fellowship and therefore sent me out here to Sacramento where I had to learn how to become a part of another fellowship and I didn't want to do because you people frighten me

how many people in this room right now I have over ten years of sobriety region

Colorado

now talking Neil

I got here I got scared because all we're doing it right

I got real scared and when you get scared it stops what have you doing stops when you get scared

I got scared and I thought of the judge and when you get scared and you start to judge you usually leave

what do god's grace and a nut case they called me up to compete with big Britain commits suicide

I ended up coming back into the fold of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sacramento California that first spring fling was the loneliest spring fling I ever did

and I was around about folks

I even got chastised by one year old times for hitting on Dorian

I wasn't but you know the the perception

but the deal was that was a lonely it's one I ever did the reason being because I got involved not because I'm a wonderful guy I'm an ****

I am

but I knew what I needed to do I had to make room I had to get the stuff out of me then make room for the sunlight of his spirit and that involves listening to you doing for you K. in this message sharing the experience that I had acquired however meaningful meaningless it was to me because it's up to him to give it to you and I don't have nothing to do with that

and I did that I vacuum the floor the cathedral

I sort of said they hand out traffic cop all while

I did all that stuff and somebody approached me about joining C. CFA

was it but it's always easy to

No Way

I said sure

I got involved in C. C. FAA and we were reinventing the wheel all over again and we will do it this little change some stuff out there

I had to climb into the book I got people in that case is asking me to sponsor a mixed martial and asking me questions I can answer not available

the book

the solution to the problems in my life are contained in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous every solution to the problems of my life not that not solution to the problems in your life there is a book for you out there somewhere

but we also re write hours just to suit you

sorry

we got a thing called single nickel singleness of purpose the reason why we have that is because that's the only thing we really got to do well

we can't fix marital problems but we can keep the person that's really **** up the marriage sold

we don't know how to work your finances what we could teach the guided suppose we write the checks on a regular basis how to do that

that's the deal so yeah we recreate allies in here because we take simple actions and the simple actions I had to learn to take against Sacramento was to get out of the way to learn how to be available to big to grow where I plan to be with my hands are to stay on the four squares and I'm standing to institute these ideas that I learned in the traditions about being self supporting and minded my own damn business about how you want to do the right thing and live your life and the practice these principles and all my affairs and you will my affairs and they are my affairs everybody on I. eighty is a part of my affairs there you know the deal is that's what it's about I'm not doing this to look good I'm doing this the same mark book because I remember what I heard last night from last night's speech

that loneliness

that agony

that pain

all that I remember

I'm reminded of the when I work with somebody new and sometimes in the three o'clock in the morning my suicide our I remember

I don't want

I don't need

I didn't put me on this planet the habit I was looking for that kind of pay

since I've been in this program I've had the deaths of family members I lost the marriage of gave another one I've got grandkids I got crazy **** sons that are living with me again I've got all kinds of stuff